Posts Tagged Pokemon

Pokémon GO: Jamey Jasta Caught in Florida for Trespassing

Jamey Jasta Caught in Florida for Trespassing

In an ironic twist of fate, renowned motivational speaker Jamey Jasta unwittingly became a potential future client of himself. The Hatebreed frontman has been captured in Florida for allegedly trespassing on multiple private properties late at night while playing immensely popular smartphone game Pokémon GO.

Jasta, 39, was caught Friday at around midnight in Tampa, Fla. Police found him inside a branch of Planet Fitness, furiously tapping on his smartphone while pumping a fist in the air, and shouting: “Perseverance! Against all opposition! Crushing all limitations!” He has been charged with breaking and entering, trespassing, disturbing the public peace, intimidation, obstruction of justice, and vandalism.

According to the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office, five police officers had to tackle an uncooperative Jasta, forcefully pin him to the ground, and wrestle his smartphone out of his hands.

“The guy was nuts. He refused to let go of his smartphone until he ‘caught Machop’,” said Officer Jenny of the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office. “After being pinned down, he was still shouting about being unbreakable, and how he was not going to faint without a Pokémon battle.”

Before his run-in with the police, Jasta was captured on CCTV inside seven other private properties (all of which are also gyms) doing the same thing: tapping furiously on his smartphone. The footage also revealed that before he left each gym, he wrote his name on its entrance statues in popular Windows typeface “Jokerman” using a black Sharpie.

Various eyewitness accounts detail how Jasta was fervently attempting to make eye contact with anyone in his vicinity while he was travelling to each gym. A victim told Hillsborough police that she accidentally made eye contact with Jasta at around 11:15 p.m., and Jasta challenged her to a Pokémon battle. When she declined Jasta’s offer and walked away, Jasta started chasing her with his fists raised, hollering “prepare for war” and “destroy everything” in rapid succession repeatedly.

Jasta, born James Vincent Shanahan, is a founding member of various motivational speaking agencies. His best-known agency, Hatebreed, was formed in 1994 in New Haven, Conn. The group has won numerous awards for their inspirational oratory and community work.

Pokémon GO is an augmented reality mobile game developed by Niantic, Inc., and published by The Pokémon Company. It is a spinoff of the immensely popular Pokémon videogame franchise, and free-to-play on Android and iOS gadgets.

Following his capture, Jasta was deposited at the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office. He will be withdrawn Monday at 2 p.m., and stand trial at Hillsborough Courthouse for his criminal charges.

In an esoteric statement to his followers, Jasta said that “sometimes standing for what you believe means standing alone,” and that he was “born to bleed, fighting to succeed, built to endure what this world throws at [him].”

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Help Us Raise $250,000 Dollars For Bolt Thrower to Play My Daughter’s Birthday Party

bolt thrower

We have always been a Bolt Thrower family.  Many of our happiest, most memorable times have been spent listening to their music.  Whether it was me soothing my son on his first trip to the dentist by playing him all of “In Battle There Is No Law” or my wife and I making the long car trips from Atlanta to Minnesota go by quicker by singing “Cenotaph” with them, Bolt Thrower have almost been like relatives.  This is why, on my daughter Jo-Anne Bench Spillett’s sixth birthday, we’d like to hire Bolt Thrower to play the party.

However, as you probably have figured out, hiring a death metal band to fly from England to Atlanta to play can be expensive.  My wife and I talked about how to make it happen financially, but short of working nine more jobs and selling the platinum grill I had made during my brief rap career, it didn’t seem affordable.  Enter the miracle that is Kickstarter!  We have seen several projects from a Veronica Mars movie to an Obituary album to a nose job for Sebastian Bach all get funded this way.  Why couldn’t our dreams come true as well?

Therefore, I am proud to announce that The Tyranny of Tradition will be starting its first Kickstarter campaign to raise $250,000 dollars to get Bolt Thrower to play my daughter’s 6th birthday party on November 22nd.  Sure, $250,000 is a lot of money, but I want to assure each and every one of you that each and every penny will be put to good use.  In the spirit of transparency, here is an itemized list of what the money will be used for.

Band Compensation  $25,000

Bolt Thrower is a legendary band and they won’t come cheap.  Being metal legends, they deserve to be well compensated for their time.  They will, of course, be responsible for their own airfare.

Hotel:  $3,000

While we’d love to have them in our home for a one-time, special birthday concert, the wife and I are not particularly keen on letting them stay in our house overnight.  We live in a gated community with an extremely active homeowners association.  I’m not sure they would be willing to tolerate Baz Thomson walking out at 7 o’clock in the morning holding a Miller Lite and wearing nothing but his boxer shorts to get the newspaper.  Let’s face it, they are kind of, well, dirty looking.  Not any more than most metal bands, but certainly not the type of people we necessarily want the neighbors to see us with.  They’ll fit in fine at the Super 8 motel out in Snellville.

Permits:  $20,000

According to the City of Atlanta, I’m not technically allowed to have a death metal band play in my backyard without a permit.  Because of the potential noise and disruption, several local city officials have told me that it will be impossible to get a permit for the event.  The $20,000 will be used to bribe the necessary City Council Members needed to get us the permit or, in case they are unwilling to be bribed, to hire a private investigator to dig up humiliating blackmail information on them.

Security:  $10,000

Instead of hiring one of those costly, pretentious professional security companies, I have contacted a local motorcycle gang, known as The Disciples of Satan, to make sure that things don’t get out of control.  Not only will they be tasked with crowd control, they will need to go door to door in the days leading up to the concert and threaten my neighbors with violence or the potential kidnapping of their children should they complain to the police about the noise or lack of available parking.  The Rolling Stones used a similar approach to security with great success.

Home Renovations:  $80,000

Our home is simply not ready for a concert of this magnitude.  The backyard will need to be equipped with arena style seating, a stage and adequate bathroom facilities for the 10 or 20 children that will be attending.  Also, a hot tub will need to be added overlooking the backyard in order to allow me to help loosen up my back from moving furniture to ensure the children don’t break anything if they wander into the living room.  We will also need to add marble countertops in the kitchen and a new family room in order for us to spend quality time together.

Opening Bands:  $10,000

Bolt Thrower is an older band who probably can only do a one hour set without risking collapse.  Most parents expect these parties to go 2 to 3 hours.  So, the show will feature several talented local bands including Spectrecide, Butter Knife Appendectomy, and Dysrythmic Sphincter Valve who will perform while the kids are playing party games like Pin the Murder Rap on Randy Blythe.

Live Pokémon Characters:  $5,000

Besides old school death metal, both of my young children love Pokémon.  What would make them happier than if people dressed in Pokémon suits came out during Bolt Thrower’s set to really get the pit moving?  We’d have Snorelax, Charazard and even, during the encore, a visit from the one and only Pikachu.

Incidentals:  $10,000

It’s amazing how many things need to be rented or purchased outright in order to make something like this work.  Lights, speakers, smoke machines, animal parts to be tossed into the crowd, a cake, and goodie bags filled with Bolt Thrower merchandise can really add up.

Remaining Money For Personal Compensation:  $87,000

This is America.  No one works for free.  My wife and I plan on working hard to make this day very special for our little girl.  Thusly, our effort should be rewarded in the form of monetary compensation for our time and labor.

Hopefully, this campaign will raise the funding necessary to make my daughter’s birthday a day to remember.  If it is successful, this is only the beginning.  I am already in the planning stages of several possible Kickstarter campaigns including a $300,000 campaign to stop Megadeth from making another album, a $5 million dollar drive reanimate Dio and a $250 million dollar fundraiser to take over the nation of Botswana and declare it a Heavy Metal Republic.  So, take a moment of your time and help us to make November 22 the best 6-year-old birthday party ever.  You’ll be glad you did.

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