An unInterview With Johnny Gorilla of Admiral Sir Cloudesley Shovell; Babies Should Be Eaten, Not Heard
Posted by Keith Spillett in People Who Were Willing To Speak To Me on May 23, 2014
I learned a few things while interviewing Johnny Gorilla from Admiral Sir Cloudesley Shovell. First of all, Admiral Sir Cloudesley Shovell is named after a famed Naval Officer. Secondly, a Naval Officer is not stationed in a persons bellybutton. Nor in an orange. Also, even though a person’s last name is Gorilla, that doesn’t mean he is actually somehow related to the animal. It might simply mean his parents are named that.
Johnny and I were locked in a mason jar on Funk and Wagnell’s porch (six people on earth just laughed, three checked wikipedia, the rest simply moved on assuming it was yet another in a series of unending, culturally obscure references that plague this site).
Both of us were miniaturized by Taiwanese scientists. 50 tiny tarantullas were placed in the jar with us. At the end of the interview, we both were bitten and died in each others arms. Like brothers in a bad Civil War movie.
Why was Stacy Keach kicked out of the band? Was it an amicable split or did you pay mobsters to kidnap his children?
Why all these bedwetters are moaning about Ginger Baker?
Soup?
If an Earwig is brown, then surely it’s only right that Turtles make Lemon Pies.
Why is music?
The next time I go out, I’m gonna go to the chemist, and then pick up some of those little ‘pillows’ full of washing liquid to pop in the washing machine. I never did like marzipan.
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What’s the difference between Napoleon and Nelson?? Nelson held his had like this, and Napoleon held his hand like that.’
In order to be ironic, do you plan on playing any concerts on the Isle of Scilly?
Scilly question.
I like what you did there. Do you think I look good in sweaters?
I once lent an old man a tissue. He grabbed more than he groped and at once I could see a wonderful human being with a lassoo for us all.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading?
It’s often said that Billy (Bill Darlington) is one of the best drummers in the world, and I tend to agree with him.
A guy once told me sherbet is made out of donkey bones. I thought he might be kidding, but then, gelatin is made out of the hooves of horses. Do you think he was being truthful with me?
There has been a lot in the news lately about rockinghorses being the main cause of shoplifting in Guatemala.
Somebody once told me that rain is just the tears of God because of all the sinning we do. I have a dog speech?
Did you hear about the baker who had brown hands? No, me neither.
Aren’t raisins stupid? Especially the tiny boxes?
It’s about time someone did something about floorboards. Silly creepy things that crawl up your trouser leg and bite you while your watching VH1. Or is that rainbows??
I hate the word “trousers”. Especially when people say “trouser leg”. I’ve felt this way for a very long time.
Former Houston Oilers Wide Receiver Yancey Thigpen Almost 20 Years Before The Band Formed
Criss Angel Mistakenly Summons Elder God That Devours Nickelback
Posted by zenaphobe67 in General Weirdness on May 22, 2014
Trent Reznor stunt double and heavy metal magician, Criss Angel, has been incapacitated after a charity performance went horrible wrong. Angel was performing illusions at a Las Vegas fundraiser to purchase several new pineal glands for Nickelback singer Chad Kroger when, literally, all hell broke loose. Those familiar with Angel know that he thrives on pushing the boundaries between normal reality and heavily edited video reality. In an effort to freshen up his act, Angel decided it was time to attempt a magic trick of epic proportions which skeptics couldn’t write off as hard rock sleight of hand.
Taking the stage before tens of tens of spectators, Angel announced that America is lagging behind other world superpowers in renewable energy efforts and that he was ready to make the U.S.A. completely free of it’s addiction to fossil fuels and chemtrails by summoning the Sumerian god of clean energy, Hexxoncoalatreius Theourge. Angel allegedly planned to trap the Great One into a salvaged Boeing 747 turbine to create an infernal combustion engine capable of supplying power to all of North America.
The chaos started when Angel guided the blindfolded members of Nickleback into the center of a pentagram he had drawn on the stage with a mixture of crude oil and muskrat pancreas. He then commenced to sounding out words from the Necronomicon while moonwalking back and forth across the venue until a cloud of coal ash began to materialize above the crowd. Three loud thunderclaps rang out and Angel stared in disbelief as several members of the audience burst into green flames and the rest of the mob of panicked attendees fought to hide in the trunk of his nearby Prius. Suddenly a vortex of pitch darkness opened up behind the stage and tentacles began making their way towards the stunned magician.
Angel was observed throwing playing cards and colorful handkerchiefs at the gibbering entity that began to emerge from the vortex and he appeared to confuse the beast with a squirting flower and a Rubik’s Cube while he strategically placed the members of Nickleback between himself and the creeping abomination. In what appeared to be a moment of calm, the beast enveloped the members of Nickleback in a mass of writhing limbs and pulled them into a parallel universe where their hit song, Something In Your Mouth, is the theme song of the Spanish Inquisition and Tipper Gore is Pope.
I Voted For Heavy Metal and All I Got Is This Lousy Country
Posted by Keith Spillett in The Politics Of Catastrophe on May 21, 2014
Americans vote for a variety of reasons. In some cases, they are concerned citizens who believe they can use the ballot box to change the direction our nation. In other cases, they do so because they feel an obligation to participate in the rituals of the democratic process. Not me. I vote every chance I get in order to amuse myself to no end by voting for my favorite metal artists.
It usually takes me a half an hour to vote. I go through the races I’ve followed closely and am able to intelligently evaluate, like Senatorial or Congressional elections, and try to pick the best person for the job. I know I’m being hustled here and am sure that nearly any candidate I pick is a shill for some multinational corporation, but I saw “Mr. Smith Goes To Washington” one too many times and allow myself the illusion of “making a difference”. Once that nonsense is out of the way, I get to the fun stuff.
Often in elections, you are given the choice of candidates you have almost no hope of being able to evaluate. For example, how on earth can I possibly determine who would be the best Head of the State Department of Agriculture? I don’t know a thing about farming and wouldn’t have the foggiest notion of how to pick the most appropriate person for the job. I don’t even really know what they do. That’s when I start voting metal.
Georgia offers the write-in option in all races. Therefore, if you want to vote, like I did, for Venom’s gravel throated frontman Cronos to make the state’s agricultural policies, you can do just that! I felt bad about leaving the rest of the original Venom crew out so Abbadon and Mantas received my nod for seats on my local school board. For County Sheriff, I voted for Sodom’s Tom Angelripper. After all, shouldn’t the saw be the law?
I stand there typing in metal artists laughing maniacally. I have voted for Ronnie James Dio in every election going back to 1998 for positions ranging from Superintendent of Schools to Federal Judge. Confused people peer over at me and avert their eyes when I look back at them. They probably think I’m a madman. I’m merely a Surrealist-American doing his part to bring this nation one step closer to the golden age of weirdness that has come to be known as The Freak Future.
Usually, you have about 20 different judges to vote for. They often run unopposed, so unless they happened to give you a night in jail for going 15 miles per hour over the speed limit or get caught in a brothel covered from head-to-toe in ox blood, you are going to vote for them. I see this as a great opportunity to pack the courts with metal luminaries ranging from Quorthon to Lemmy. I voted “Slayer” for a seat on the Bench. The whole band. I struggled mightily with the question of whether this would mean the original Slayer lineup or some of the later incarnations. Who would be the Court drummer Bostaph, Lombardo or Jon Dette?
Sometimes I get bored and switch to other weird possible candidates. One year when the ballot was particularly long, I began voting for excellent defensive shortstops. Mark Belanger, Ozzie Smith, Omar Vizquel, Rey Ordonez…on and on.
Mostly I stick to voting metal because this is America and I have been told I can vote for what I believe in. I have been fed an endless supply of bromides and hackneyed platitudes about what size the government is supposed to be or when a baby is truly alive or how a marriage should be defined or what this nation should stand for. Politics is about who gets what and how much of it. At the end of the day, I’m really just voting on whether Wal-Mart, Exxon Mobil and Boeing are going to receive larger tax breaks based on the size of their contributions.
The horrible truth is that climate change is causing environmental catastrophes everywhere. We are engaged in an endless stream of costly, bloody foreign wars. Politicians are empty vessels who have become nearly indistinguishable from mattress salesmen. America is circling the proverbial drain and there doesn’t seem to be anything we can do about it. When someone asks me how I believe we should handle these problems, I look them square in the eyes and I tell them the only thing I can say that makes any sense to me anymore…
“Don’t blame me, I voted for Heavy Metal”
Led Zeppelin Accused of Stealing Portions of Stairway To Heaven From Cannibal Corpse
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on May 20, 2014
You may have never heard of the song “Hammer Smashed Face” by Cannibal Corpse, but apparently Led Zeppelin has.
According to recently released phone recordings of Jimmy Page talking to Zeppelin vocalist Robert Plant, the two conspired to steal the opening riff from “Hammer Smashed Face” and put it in their legendary song “Stairway To Heaven”. Page, who studied the art of transcendental time travel in an ashram in Northern New Jersey in the early 1960s, allegedly leaped ahead in time in order to find inspiration for Led Zeppelin IV.
While in the year 1994, he astrally projected himself into a movie theater in order to watch Jim Carrey’s comedy classic “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective”. While watching Cannibal Corpse’s bizarre cameo in the film, he came upon the opening riff from “Hammer Smashed Face” and a rock’n’roll epic was born. Moments later, he teleported his soul to a local Sam Goody where he purchased “Tomb of The Mutilated”.
When Page returned, he played the song over the phone to Plant. The two were in the studio in a matter of hours. The rest is history.
“If you listen to the two, the similarities are obvious,” said metalhead attorney Butch Carnage. “It’s not just the guitar parts either. The blast beats are even exactly the same. Who do these guys think they are kidding?”
This is not the first time a metal band has accused Led Zeppelin of plagiarism. In 2009, Obituary charged that Zeppelin lifted a portion of “Chopped in Half” to create the song “D’yer Mak’er”. Texas death metallers Devourment have claimed that the song “Whole Lotta Love” is practically a carbon copy of “Parasitic Eruption” off of the album “Conceived In Sewage”. Nuclear Assault has also alleged that Zeppelin covered “Good Times, Bad Times” on Led Zeppelin I without properly crediting them.
We tried on several occasions to contact members of the band to get their comment. We even went so far as to hire a psychic medium to conduct a séance in order to speak with the spirit of drummer John Bonham. However, the band has yet to make a public statement on this brewing controversy.
Anti-Metal Revolutionary Comandante 666 Endorses Paul Broun For Georgia Senate
Posted by Keith Spillett in HEAVY METAL MUST BE DESTROYED on May 20, 2014
(This letter arrived earlier this morning at The Tyranny of Tradition Offices in Atlanta, Georgia by carrier pigeon)
Dear Army of False Metal,
I write to you today from an undisclosed location in the mountains of Cleveland, Ohio. Using intelligence supplied by the CIA, Manowar’s drone strikes have continued in Afghanistan tens of thousands of miles away from our hideout. Our War Against Heavy Metal continues! We will fight in the air! We will fight in the sea! We will never surrender!
Today, I come to you with a political message. While the American democracy has pretty much become the laughingstock of nearly anyone who doesn’t drool while they speak, we still believe the process can help us attain our ends….The Full Scale Destruction of Heavy Metal. This is why I, as a registered voter in the State of Georgia, have decided to support Senatorial Candidate Paul Broun in his quest for victory.
Why support a man who should probably be institutionalized for comments like “evolution is a lie from the pit of hell”? After all, Broun is so far to the right he makes Ronald Reagan look like Abbie Hoffman.
No political labels apply in The Freak Future. It doesn’t matter if you are a conservative or a liberal. We are only concerned with whether you have what it takes to help us remove heavy metal from the earth once and for all. Paul Broun is that type of man.
While I’ve never actually heard Broun comment on heavy metal, his four-pronged decision making process is possibly the most decisive and simplified method of determining policy since Robespierre started using the guillotine. It is so simple a three-year-old child could grasp it. Broun asks four questions. If the answer is yes for all four, he votes for it. If the answer is no to even one, he votes against it.
The questions are:
- Is it Right/Moral? (in the Christian sense, of course)
- Is it Constitutional?
- Is it Necessary?
- Is it Affordable?
Putting aside the fact that many highly intelligent people disagree on whether certain things are moral, constitutional, necessary or affordable and only a mentally defective farm animal would not know that, it is clear that this system can be of great benefit to the Anti-Metal Revolution.
If you run heavy metal through Broun’s Guillotine, it is clear that he is our ally:
- Metal is clearly immoral. Anyone who has looked at the cover of a Cannibal Corpse album or waited patiently for the new Rotting Christ to come out has to, on some level, recognize that metal is the music of Satan. Now, I don’t actually care about this and rather enjoy its demonic nature, but if we want to bring back The Tipper Gore Show Trials, this is a wonderful tool to get us there.
- Metal is clearly unconstitutional. When God wrote the Constitution, I am sure He didn’t mean for the whole free speech thing to protect longhaired heathens. The first Ten Commandments to The Constitution surely do not protect the enemies of freedom and liberty.
- Metal is not necessary. You can’t eat heavy metal to provide the body sustenance, you cannot breathe heavy metal in order to not suffocate, and you cannot drink heavy metal to quench your body’s natural thirst. Unless it is necessary to keep human beings making over 100,000 dollars a year alive, it is not necessary in Broun’s world.
- Metal is not affordable. Anyone who has paid 80 bucks to see Iron Maiden play “Lord of The Flies” and a bunch of other songs that everyone hates or has picked up a second mortgage on their home to buy the 9 disc Immolation box set because of the rare, unreleased Molly Hatchet cover on it knows exactly what I’m talking about.
Bingo…4 for 4! Truthfully, none of these points actually matter, it’s just a gimmick to spare voters from actually pondering the meaning of the critical issues that affect their lives. The truth is, Broun’s Guillotine is nothing more than a Trojan horse to smuggle in almost any agenda that he and his campaign donors want. And one of those things could be the annihilation of heavy metal! Maybe even a few metalheads in the process!
The Revolution Will Be Lobotomized! We Are The Freak Future!
Heavy Metal Must Be Destroyed!
Venceremos,
Comandante 666
Swedish Government Bans Windmilling
Posted by zenaphobe67 in General Weirdness on May 19, 2014
King Carl Gustaf XVI has become the next in a long list of world leaders to throw his weight behind the war to end all wars, The War On Metal. Using a medical controversy to justify his actions, King Gustaf has issued an edict that bans windmilling in public and private places until further notice. The ban effects all of Sweden, and states that anyone found windmilling will be fined 10,000 krona and will be exiled to picking up litter around the fjords wearing a rotary sensitive shock collar.
Sweden, which many may know, is famous for its Swedish fish candies and it’s ratio of 87 Viking metal bands to one synthpop band, is the windmilling capital of the world and this ban is seen as a royal overreach aimed at subduing the metal subculture into irrelevance. Many Swedes feel that this move was inspired by the recent outbreak of fighting in the hills of Afghanistan, where drone attacks are indiscriminately targeting mosh pits and corpse paint store fronts. The metal community in Sweden has been reeling from several previous attempts to link them to harmful behaviors, the last being a fabricated whistle blower hit piece in which many bands were accused of testing music on lab animals.
Several news agencies received anonymous VHS tapes with footage that can only be described as criminal and twisted, that shows scenes from inside an alleged “Sound Chamber of Satan” where hundreds of Eurasian Pygmy Shrews are strapped into very small cots and subjected to hours of death metal at a time. At one point in the video, the shrews have been moved into what looks like a coliseum and are hacking away at each other with swords and axes. Later shown to be a fraud , the tapes irreparably damaged the reputation of metal in Sweden and began to move public attitudes in a negative direction.
Capitalizing on this momentum, the Ministry of Health investigated a study done by Arch Enemy titled, “Windmill Your Way To A Healthy Thyroid” and alleged that the positive results could not be duplicated during double blind testing and they then turned their attention to similar reports released by the bands Dismember, Bloodbath, and At The Gates. The health benefits of windmilling hearken back to the early Vikings, and it is used in many holositc metal health treatments. Windmilling is said to cure seasonal allergies, planters warts, and even hypothyroidism, but is dismissed as pseudo science by the medical community.
In a full on media blitz, the Ministry of Health released a document dump of 2200 “studies” which linked windmilling to ailments ranging from male pattern baldness to spinal kyphosis. Public service messages were aired featuring so called “Ex-millers” giving their testimonies of how windmilling had destroyed their health and MP3 collections.
Arch Enemy vocalist, Alisa White-Gluz, says she is saddened by the political weaponizing of the innocuous tradition of windmilling and has begun to form a coalition of the milling to resist further stigmatization of the windmilling community. In the wake of the prohibition, small, secret cells of windmillers are springing up to provide practitioners of this gentle art an outlet to let their hair down and avoid the prying eyes of the law. Lobbying efforts to overturn the ban have begun by the powerful and influential cervical collar industry, as the criminalization of windmilling has brought cervical collar sales to levels not seen since the Swedish disco craze of the 1990’s.
There is Nothing Fun About The Fun-Sized M & Ms
Posted by Keith Spillett in Uncategorized on May 19, 2014
One of the worst parts of being a part of a culture based on mindless, endless consumption are the hustles you have to put up with on a daily basis. Look, I’m a grown man. I walk around America with my eyes wide open. I know that someone is always trying to get a hand in my pocket. These are the rules of the game and unless I plan I on some grand Henry David Thoreau move to the hinterlands of Mongolia, this is the game I get to play. Fine. Just don’t puke on my back and tell me its warming lotion.
There is nothing fun about the fun-sized bag of M & Ms. All it is are M & Ms in a smaller pouch. If I want to have fun I might choose to go play basketball or go to a carnival or maybe sit under a tree on a sunny day. I certainly don’t plan on deriving my pleasure from a tiny bag of chocolate. Yet, those soulless vultures at the M & M Company try to convince you that eating roughly 12 M & Ms is a regular party in a bag.
I’m not saying eating chocolate isn’t fun. It’s great. I can’t get enough of the stuff personally. A regular sized bag of them is kinda fun. I could have a fine time with one of those gigantic bags that look like they could strap it to a horses’ face and feed it for hours. But, the M & M schmucks don’t call those “fun”.
Those miserable frauds lie to you when they don’t even have to. What would be wrong with calling it “the little bag” of M & Ms? Would that somehow demean the product? Would I somehow be having less fun?
If they were just to level with you about the thing you’d know what you were getting and there would be some integrity in the act of consuming them. They have to suck you into to some worthless, disgraceful lie about the type of experience you are going to have. I only want a few M & Ms, therefore, I’ll get the small bag. Seems reasonable. But everything has to be celebration. Even getting a tiny bag of freaking M & Ms, which is really one of the duller experiences a person can have in the general scope of things.
The worst part is, if you want a small bag of M & Ms, you have to participate in this con. I ate one of them earlier today and couldn’t shake the feeling that some retired scumbag ad executive is sitting on a beach somewhere thinking about the millions of dollars he has collecting interest in a bank in the Caymans because he thought up the idea of calling a little bag of M & Ms “fun”. I hope a shark eats him. In front of his grandkids.
I want to drink a soda, not an “icy cold Coke”. I don’t want to “Just Do It”, I want a pair of sneakers. I don’t want to be “the best a man can get”, I just want to use a razor from time to time so I don’t end up looking like The Unabomber.
Just leave me the hell alone. If I want something, I’ll buy it.
Manowar Uses Drone Strikes To Assassinate Anti-Metal Revolutionaries In Mountains Of Afghanistan
Posted by Keith Spillett in HEAVY METAL MUST BE DESTROYED on May 13, 2014
The War on Anti-Metal has begun. The opening salvo of a campaign to capture and kill members of PMRC (The People’s Metal Revolutionary Committee) started early this morning when Manowar launched drone fighters to bombard the anti-metal stronghold in the mountains of Afghanistan.
The PMRC, a nonviolent movement of insurgents known for scathing anti-metal satire and their bizarre manifesto “Heavy Metal Must Be Destroyed”, have taken to the hills to “eradicate the tired, stale traditions that have rotted away a once great form of music and rebellion.”
Several members of the PMRC sleeper were arrested last month by the FBI in connection with an attempt to pass out One Direction shirts to fans attending a Slayer concert. A similar arrest was made after two PMRC members took over the airwaves of WRAT, a metal radio station in Toledo, Ohio, and played Mariah Carey’s song “Hero” continuously for three straight hours.
The strikes, known as “Operation Black Wind, Fire and Steel”, are an attempt to root out the Enemies of True Metal. In a speech earlier today, Five Star Metal General Joey DeMaio stated that the strikes are meant, “to destroy The Axis of Posers”.
The laser guided precision bombs, similar to those used by the US military, were dropped on the caves of Tora Bora. 4 out of 30 hit their targets, breaking the record of 3 out of 30 set by the military back in 2003. Two of the bombs that went slightly off course did significant damage. One hit a village outside of Bangalore, India while the other destroyed a hot dog stand in Sacramento, California.
Metal Emperor Eric W. Adams announced the attacks on television last night in front of the Congress of Metal Gods. “The evil ones have roused a mighty nation of metal warriors. However long it takes, I am determined that we will prevail. And prevail we must, because we fight for one thing, and that is heavy metal, and the freedom of metal heads everywhere.”
In a rousing conclusion to his speech, Adams brought the crowd to its feet for a 10 minute standing ovation. “Ours is the cause of metal. We’ve defeated metal’s enemies before, and we will defeat them again. We cannot know every turn this battle will take, yet we know our cause is just and our ultimate victory is assured. We will no doubt face new challenges, but we have our marching orders. My fellow metalheads, let’s roll.”
Comandate 666 (Keith Spillett) During His Videotaped Message
Comandante 666 (a shadowy, demented propagandist named Keith Spillett) is the leader of the PMRC. Manowar has offered their entire discography on vinyl along with an autographed Karl Logan guitar as a bounty on Spillett. If his head is brought to Manowar in a burlap sack, they will also provide the assassin with a pair of drumsticks used by Rhino during the Triumph of Steel studio sessions. However, most of the merch, which the band paid the Halliburton Corporation over 10 million dollars to produce, will be awarded for Spillett “dead or alive”.
Spillett and the PMRC released a videotape to the major cable news networks from an unknown cave in the mountains of Tora Bora, located somewhere between Pakistan and Cleveland. In the tape, he announced a “Holy War against Manowar.”
The ten minute recording was highlighted by Spillett’s pronouncement that “metal has become cliché ridden nonsense. Corpse paint, Vikings, Lord of The Rings references, random band names taken out of medical textbooks, mosh pits, recycled trends and arguments about ‘who is more pure’ are pretty much all that is left.”
“Metal should be about rebellion from cliché and breaking away from the ridiculous standards placed upon us by a culture gone mad. Instead, it’s about elder worship, paying 80 bucks to hear some album live that you’ve heard eight thousand times and writing RIP next to the names of a bunch of ‘fallen heroes’ in order to show allegiance to ‘the cause’. Destruction is the only form of creation left to us. I love heavy metal with all my heart, that is why I believe it must be destroyed!”
“The idols of metal must be smashed! Its clichés must be annihilated! In its destruction, we shall create a new metal! A freak future! A new art completely outside of the traditions and rituals of our post-modern nightmare of a world. We shall capture and live in the moment we broke away from the conformity of society and discovered ourselves as metalheads. And we shall construct a new reality!”
An UnInterview with Josh Elmore From Cattle Decapitation; I Bought My Kidneys At Costco
Posted by Keith Spillett in People Who Were Willing To Speak To Me on May 12, 2014
This Is Josh Elmore. He is in Cattle Decapitation. He is wearing a green jacket.
As General Douglas McArthur said only moments after the Battle of Norway at the end of World War 7, “why interview someone when you can ask them questions that they are asked to ignore and answer anyway they want?” I fully subscribe to this philosophy and have tattooed these words on my inner thigh along with a picture of Bob The Builder wearing a Slayer shirt.
Cattle Decapitation is a band and Josh Elmore is in it. He agreed to be unInterviewed only if I promised not to mention him by name or say what band he is in. He claims to play guitar in the band in spite of that fact that I insisted that he played saxophone for Spiro Gyra. I met him to discuss the band and his time as a professional male model in Botswana in the 1920s outside of a Starbucks coffee that he had set fire to only minutes earlier. The last few questions were asked as we were hiding from the police and several walruses under a canoe in the back of an elderly person’s house.
There are 34 different breeds of bunnies. One is called the dwarf bunny. It fits in the palm of your hand.
1. I have heard Cattle Decapitation has the lowest prices. How would someone join?
Fans can wait about a year from now to be entertained by Cattle and the Decapitations fresh new “effort” which the band is apparently half way through writing at present. Expect less blatant late-90’s JL America roster rip-off artistry and more straight up Mordred worship.
2. My uncle has cholera?
It’s a seemingly odd but consistently observable trait that certain males like to project a tough guy image, yet always have at least one element to their persona that is a bit dandy. Maybe it’s some genius strategy to put off potential rival males vying for power, a mate or status. When you’re getting beaten up by some guy from Connecticut who’s wearing an Orlando Magic jersey, copious amounts of Dep and a Defiler flat-brim, it is hard to not laugh when all you can picture is them telling their mom that they’re just taking this one semester off or that they don’t know anyone who “does coke.”
3. If?
I’ve become more convinced that people who label themselves as Libertarian are just living in the stage of suspended animation between youthful liberalism and fully embracing their parent’s reactionary small-business conservatism. There’s a totally different generational mindset, y’know? I have lots of black friends.
4. How is a thing made round?
Do you think Ron Rinehart eventually hooked up with that blonde chick he was macking on during the Ultimate Revenge 2 show? I think she might’ve just been being nice.
5. My back hurts when I lift heavy objects?
There is no middle ground with metal dudes. Either they are simultaneously working on 10 different musical projects while pursuing their doctorate in existential philosophy or they’re looking to celebrate their promotion to shift manager at Auto Zone by downing some beers and cranking some METAL. At least that’s what Facebook told me.
6. If one day you found yourself trapped in cellar in Des Moines, Iowa with only a crowbar and a copy of Time magazine from 1947, what album would you listen to?
Ever notice how “the Midwest” is the new “the South?” Apparently the newly defined geographical location of said “Midwest” is anywhere east of Vegas and west of Philly. Talk to any 22-year old from Orange County for more than 5 minutes and they’ll be sure to mention that they’ve been to Bhutan 6 times but never east of Phoenix, cuz like, why? LOL
7. Do you have? If so, why?
The Internet has been the death of finding stashed pornography in a ditch or at the forest preserve. This rite of teen male passage is now extinct. It makes me want to slug Al Gore in the feedbag.
8. The Middle East?
Have you ever had camel’s milk? All I could compare the flavor to is a combination of that burnt pasta smell/taste and the odor of grandma’s recliner.
9. Sometimes, when I’m alone, I stare at a picture my grandmother painted back in 1963. I’m pretty sure there is another painting underneath, because it looks like there are additional arms coming out of the body. But, sometimes I wonder if she INTENDED it to look like. Almost like some sort of optical illusion. Like Escher, but not as detailed. Honestly though, that’s quite inconsistent with her style as an artist. But then, Picasso went through many phases as an artist. Maybe this was just some sort of experimental thing she did one time, but never repeated. Are you wearing pants?
If you are as sick of dealing with ill-disciplined stump-broke calves as I am, it would be wise to appeal to the animals’ more base appetites in order to modify and eventually squelch the defiant behavior. Swirl your finger in about a tablespoon of blackstrap molasses and then let the calf satisfy itself with the viscous treacle. You will have a domestic beast that is now all too willing to pursue your task regimen (both in the field and repertory) in hopes of a sweet reward.
10. If you had to tour with one band on the planet, would Gandhi still be alive today? If so, would he look like Eli Wallach? If not, will you recognize the People’s Republic of China?
(Editors Note: At this point, Josh provided a link to a video as a way of not answering this question. If you click here, you will see it. If you don’t click on that last sentence you won’t. You will be missing out and will be racked with guilt and emptiness for the rest of your natural life)
11. Satan? If so, Gary Coleman? If not, elephants have babies, why can’t plants?
It is time to put a stop to this lemon in the water trend at restaurants. Did I ask for that? No? Then get that disgusting thing out of my water. People have said; “they’ve always done that.” LIES. In my nearly 4 decades of existence I cannot remember any time except the past couple years that lemon is in everything. Do I throw a carrot in your Dr. Pepper? NOPE. I don’t want to smell that citrus reek on your fingers or stinking up the break room at work. The next person I hear say “but it’s so refreshing” is getting a roll of quarters to the jaw.
Danzig To Sue Everyone On Earth
Posted by Keith Spillett in Excessive Cruelty Towards Strangers on May 7, 2014
You’ve probably heard of him before. He’s part wolf, part lion, part ubermensch. He is possibly the most evolved being in human history. He is Glenn Danzig and He is suing you.
In a stunning declaration of war against the entire human race, Glenn Danzig has filed a lawsuit in Manhattan Federal Court against over seven billion human beings. Danzig, who is acting as his own attorney, claimed in one of the over 40 billion documents brought into court by an entire fleet of Federal Express trucks that “He has been done wrong by everyone including Misfits bassist Jerry Only, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, actor Eli Wallach, NFL quarterback Sam Bradford, Frank Oz (the voice of Yoda) and everyone else on this godforsaken planet.”
While some of the suits have been thrown out by the Court as frivolous, over two and a half billion cases will be heard over the next five centuries. Danzig, who is immortal and has over 35,000 defense points (ten times as many as Snorlax), plans to argue each case “with the passion and burning rage of a thousand suns”.
Judge Marvin Barnes labeled many of the suits “patently absurd and possibly indicative of a severe break with reality that could signify mental illness”. For example, Danzig attempted to sue everyone in the country of Azerbaijan for erecting statues in his honor without properly compensating him for the use of his likeness.
His lawsuit against the 1.6 billion citizens of the People’s Republic of China for building thousands of environmentally hazardous coal plants without consulting Him or giving Him proper credit for the invention of coal was also considered not worthy of the Court’s time.
Here’s The Picture of Danzig Buying Kitty Litter For Absolutely No Reason
Barnes begrudgingly agreed to hear 2.5 billion lawsuits because he “greatly admired Danzig’s first four solo albums and even a few songs by Samhain.” Danzig’s five hundred thousand dollar suit against Carol Mosley, a tax accountant in Boise, Idaho, for listening to “How The Gods Kill” without headbanging during the part where the song gets really heavy will go forward.
His 1.2 million dollar suit against Edward Callahan, a construction worker in Sacramento, California, when, in 2011, Callahan laughed hysterically at Danzig’s famed discussion of his book collection where He talks about the crimes of Jesus, clay people and the occult roots of Nazism will also see its day in court.
Danzig’s six hundred million dollar claim against The Tyranny of Tradition for implying that he gave birth to identical twin girls, a suit that would bankrupt myself and my progeny for the next three thousand years, is also proceeding. Danzig also plans to sue this website for having to waste time filing a lawsuit. Finally, Danzig will sue this site for having to file a lawsuit about filing a lawsuit; again wasting valuable time he could be using writing songs about being the nephew of the Devil and his general disdain for having been born.
The Tyranny of Tradition 