Archive for category General Weirdness
Exclusive: New Photographic Evidence Links Lemmy To The JFK Assassination
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on June 28, 2013
Exclusive Photo of Lemmy Shooting Kennedy From The Grassy Knoll
November 22, 1963 was a day that few Americans could ever forget. On a visit to Dallas, John F. Kennedy’s motorcade was fired on and the President was killed. His alleged assassin Lee Harvey Oswald was murdered a day later leaving investigators little time to find out who else might have been involved in the plot . In spite of an extensive study by The Warren Commission, which claimed that Oswald acted alone, a good portion of the public remains unconvinced of the official story to this day. Last week, a private investigator working for the Tyranny of Tradition obtained clear and compelling photographic evidence that Oswald was not the only shooter on that dreadful November day.
One of the main reasons that many have believed the case was unsolved was what is known as the single bullet or magic bullet theory. The account of the assassination put forth in The Warren Commission report was that the bullet that killed President Kennedy also caused several wounds to Texas Governor John Connelly, who was in the car with him at the time. Scientists have long held the belief that this is almost impossible and means there must have been another assassin firing at Kennedy from another spot. Some witnesses, including members of the Secret Service who were guarding Kennedy, claimed they heard and saw gunfire from an area known as the grassy knoll. For years, there has been much speculation as to whether this was true and, if so, who was the shooter on the grassy knoll. We now can conclusively state that Ian Fraser Kilmiester, known to music fans and friends alike as Lemmy, fired the fatal shots from the grassy knoll that day.
Lemmy had a rather normal early childhood in England. He was extremely bright and known for being a remarkable shot. He spent a good portion of his days studying military history and learning to play bass. When he was 10, he went to live abroad with his “Uncle Alvin”, a shadowy figure who was not actually related to his family but took a strong interest in young Lemmy.
Very little was known about “Uncle Alvin”, except that he was an American who traveled throughout Central America extensively. Alvin often took Lemmy on these trips with him. Lemmy has refused to say much about “Uncle Alvin”, who he lost touch with when he turned 19, but through careful investigation, we have learned that “Uncle Alvin” is none other than CIA superspy E. Howard Hunt.
A high-ranking former CIA agent contacted us a month ago with this story. In a three hour meeting with our editorial staff last week, he detailed how Lemmy first came to Hunt’s attention when he (at nine years old) mailed a plan for how to overthrow the government of Guatemala to the CIA. Hunt was so impressed with the plan (which came to be known as Operation PBSuccess), he used it to remove President Jacobo Arbenz from office in that Central American nation. After using the plan, he began a friendship with Lemmy that lasted throughout his teen years.
At 15, Lemmy became an integral part of planning the failed Bay of Pigs invasion in Cuba. Both Hunt and Lemmy blamed President Kennedy for not calling in air support and letting the plan fail. They wanted revenge and on November 22, 1963 they got it. Beyond being motivated by their lust for vengeance, Hunt was working on behalf of several sinister high level agents within the government who felt Kennedy’s presidency was weakening the United States and leaving us vulnerable to communist infiltration.
Lemmy and Hunt met Oswald during the planning stages of the Bay of Pigs. They struck up a friendship and later, came together to commit the most shocking crime in American history. Oswald was to fire from the book depository building while Lemmy was to shoot from the grassy knoll, essentially creating a death trap from which the President could not escape. Hunt was responsible for the set up and for getting the two out of Dallas after the assassination. While Oswald was captured and eventually murdered by Jack Ruby, a guitarist from one of Lemmy’s early bands, Kilmeister was dressed as a hobo and snuck out of town in an outbound train car.
Hunt cut ties to Lemmy in order to keep the murder a secret. Lemmy returned to England and got involved in the rock scene, first as a roadie to Jimi Hendrix, then as a member of the space-rock band Hawkwind, and finally as leader of the band Motorhead. An unnamed CIA agent who hoped the band could be used to infiltrate Soviet bloc countries and steal information while on tour introduced Philthy Animal Taylor, Motorhead’s drummer, to Lemmy. While it is not known whether this spying took place, it is clear that Philthy Animal was a CIA asset as late at 2001, when he faked his own death to hide his role in the government of Ugandan strongman Idi Amin.
The photograph obtained by Tyranny of Tradition shows Lemmy clearly standing on the grassy knoll firing the shots at Kennedy. In order to prove that it is Lemmy, we hired world-renowned dermatologist Dr. Andrew Falco to study the mole on Lemmy’s face in the picture with several other photos of Lemmy’s mole. According to Dr. Falco, he was nearly 100 percent certain that the mole on Lemmy’s face in the grassy knoll picture is the same mole he has today. Hours after meeting with us, Dr. Falco was found in his home, a victim of five self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the head.
In spite of the evidence of Lemmy’s involvement, the US government has, so far, not connected either Hunt or Lemmy to the killing. Hunt, for his part, confessed to being a part of the JFK assassination on his death bed in 2007. His confession has been largely ignored.
Many of Motorhead’s songs contain veiled references to the assassination, including the song “Stone Deaf In The USA” where Lemmy sings “You can have yourself a real good time…..You can have yourself a life of crime…Get me back to JFK.” The next verse ominously begins with the words “Down To Texas, Can’t Get Enough.”
Rumors have been floating around for years that Ace of Spades was actually the nickname he had for the Mannlicher-Carcano rifle that Lemmy, an avid gun collector, claimed to have bought for 100,000 dollars in the late 70s because of its use in a well-known, but unnamed murder. It is our belief that the famous murder linked to “The Ace of Spades” rifle is the assassination of President John Fitzgerald Kennedy and the assassin was, in fact, Lemmy Kilmeister.
3,000 Copies of New Carcass Record To Be Released On Limited Edition Goitre
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on June 21, 2013
Fans of the band Carcass have a lot to look forward to in 2013. First came the news that the band had returned to the studio to record their first album in 17 years. The album, to be titled Surgical Steel, is due to hit stores sometime later this year. Now, it has been announced the band will be releasing a limited printing of 3,000 copies of the new album on 780-gram goitre.
For years, goitres were thought to simply be swollen thyroid glands found in people with iodine deficiencies. Until recently, few music fans realized how effective goitres were for carrying high definition sound. “Goitre has a much warmer, richer analog sound, but retains that sound quality better over time,” said record producer and sound quality expert Hakaru Hashimoto, who is currently working on Neil Diamond’s first goitre based release “Banned in Boston”, scheduled to come out in late 2014.
Several bands including Portal, Jungle Rot and Manilla Road have recently released limited pressings of their new albums on goitre, but Carcass is, by far, the most well-known metal band to put out a new release in this fashion.
While new goitre records are still relatively uncommon, the re-release of earlier editions of albums on goitre has quietly become a successful way for artists to cash in. These rare items have fetched huge sums on websites like eBay. A goitre version of Metallica’s “Ride The Lightning” recently ran one music aficionado 2,000 dollars. However, with improvements in goitre harvesting techniques, it is possible that the industry may embrace going “full-goitre” as early as 2021.
Owning albums on goitre has become a major status symbol among some hardcore metal fans. Seattle, Washington opened America’s first Vinyl and Goitre Shop earlier in the spring. The store has been flooded with fans seeking early Iron Maiden and Judas Priest goitres. While many metalheads have jumped on the goitre bandwagon others, like 30-year metal veteran Danny von Hellstorm, lead vocalist from the band Albino Autopsy, claim they have gotten sick of all of the “goitre posers” that are flooding the scene today.
Growing their own goitres has even become a fashion statement among some metalheads in Florida. Congenital Hypothyroidism, a band out of Punta Gorda, became the first group to grow matching goitres earlier in the year. None of the members have consumed salt in the past 8 months in order to grow the lumps in their neck that would allow them to call themselves the world’s first “proto-goitrecore” band. Goitremania can clearly be taken too far, as evidenced when the band’s lead guitarist Neoplasm von Goitrogen was hospitalized after complications related to his attempted goitre piercing.
NSA Chief: Wiretapping Prevented Disastrous Bono/Metallica Collaboration
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on June 19, 2013
In testimony before Congress today, National Security Agency Director General Keith Alexander testified that surveillance of nearly every single person in the United States has not only helped to thwart over 50 terrorist attacks, but has yielded the added benefit of stopping an album featuring the members of Metallica and U2 frontman Bono. While Americans are torn about surrendering civil liberties in order to prevent potential terrorist attacks, almost everybody agreed that a Metallica/Bono album had to be stopped under any circumstances.
Alexander was frank when he discussed the possible effects of another miserable Metallica album with the House Intelligence Committee. “We survived the whole Metallica/Lou Reed “Lulu” disaster, but another horrible album featuring a celebrity hipster warbling embarrassing vocals over metal riffs was something that threatened to tear this great nation apart.”
In a Gallup Poll, 98 percent of Americans agreed they would be willing to give up any of the Constitution’s protections in order to avoid a sonic atrocity on this scale. “Hell, I’ll give up freedom of speech, freedom of the press, freedom of assembly. You can search my home, take my guns, make me testify against myself. I’ll even quarter soldiers. Just for God sakes, don’t let Bono appear on a Metallica record,” said Helmholtz Watson, a professor of Heavy Metal Studies at Emory University in Atlanta, in a statement that echoed the sentiments of nearly every American.
According to Alexander, Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich contacted Bono last November in an attempt to gauge his willingness to be part of a project. The NSA had been monitoring Ulrich, who has been under investigation for trafficking in donkey thyroid glands, for the past 2 years. When NSA agents heard Ulrich utter the phrase “adult contemporary sounding metal album” they immediately went into action.
Ulrich was arrested and questioned for 12 hours the next day. While he failed to discuss the Bono/Metallica plot, he did confess that Enter Sandman sounds way too much like Excel’s Tapping Into The Emotional Void to be a coincidence. He was released, but detained and questioned again when he was spotted late that week in a Sam Goody’s in Venice Beach trying to buy a copy of U2’s 1993 album Zooropa.
Authorities say that the conspiracy never got past the planning stage and, in spite of their desire to “beat Bono like a redheaded stepchild”, the NSA believes that no actual criminal activity took place. Still, as a precaution, they are continuing to monitor the phone calls of every American who owns a Metallica or U2 album, as well as several Pakistani nationals living in Michigan, Ohio, and Florida.
Malevolent Creation Guitarist’s Heroic Brush With Death To Become Film Starring Jamie Foxx
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on June 18, 2013
Often heroism takes place at the most unlikely moments. In the blink of an eye, lives can change dramatically and people can do things that forever leave them etched in the pages of history. When Malevolent Creation guitarist Phil Fasciana walked into a Fort Lauderdale convenience store to buy some chocolate milk on July 3rd, 2009, he could hardly have known that the next three minutes of his life were going to be the stuff legends are made of. Now, thanks to Fasciana’s bravery in the face of unthinkable danger, Hollywood has decided to turn his life into a motion picture starring superstar Jamie Foxx.
When Fasciana walked into the store, four shots were fired at him from about ten feet away. Using his martial arts training, he did a flip over the beef jerky display in order to avoid the hail of gunfire. In moments like this, an average man would have cowered behind the rack of Funyuns and waited for the police to show up and save them. Not Phil.
Realizing that the life of the storeowner was in danger, Phil snuck up behind the assailant and grabbed him, putting his own gun to the head of the “stupid crackhead burglar” and coolly told the man to stand down. When the “stupid crackhead burglar” reached for the spare gun he had in his sock, Phil did what John Wayne, Sylvester Stallone or any other great American would have done under the same circumstance; he sent three bullets through the crackhead’s skull, killing him instantly.
When police arrived on the scene, they discovered that the “crackhead” was actually a former KGB agent with ties to the feared Haqqani Network, a terrorist group based out of Afghanistan. Boris Volkov, known by his nickname Boris The Wolf, was attempting to finance a terrorist attack at Disney World by robbing local convenience stores throughout the state.
When the police later searched his home, they found a crude nuclear device that, if properly armed, could have wiped out 2/3s of the city of Orlando. It turns out that Phil hadn’t just saved one life; he had potentially saved hundreds of thousands.
In spite of this act of bravery, Phil has said little about the incident. He politely refused a ticker tape parade offered by the Mayor of Fort Lauderdale. The only reward he accepted for his act of valor was the storeowners offer of a lifetime supply of chocolate milk. He shunned the limelight and humbly went back to what he loved doing the most, playing heavy metal music.
Phil has fielded hundreds of calls from Hollywood studios wanting to turn his story into a movie, but had, up until this point, decided to stay in the shadows. However, when Universal Studios offered to donate one million dollars to poor refugee children in Nigeria as part of his payment for the rights to his story, he simply could not refuse.
Universal began shooting the film on Friday. Phil, who is credited as an associate producer on the film, believed that only Jamie Foxx could do justice to his story. “I remember when I used to watch Jamie on the TV show Roc back in the early 90s. I always thought ‘there is a guy who I have something in common with’. I’m a huge fan. Malevolent Creation was even considered covering “DJ Play A Love Song” on “Individous Dominion”, but we got cold feet.”
Studios are often skittish about having an African-American male play a role that seems designed for a white man, but Fasciana wanted the film break some of the racial stereotypes that he believes Hollywood perpetuates.
During his acceptance speech as winner of the Florida chapter of the NAACP’s “Man of The Year” award in 2011, Fasciana said he has and will continue to dedicate his life “to teaching others how to lovingly accept all men and women regardless of the color of their skin”. He believes that this casting decision will go a long way in “uniting America behind the vision Dr. King articulated in his poignant ‘I Have a Dream’ speech.”
“Malevolent Salvation” is scheduled to debut in theaters in the summer of 2016.
Tyranny of Tradition Is A Real Website!!!
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on June 14, 2013
There have been a great number of allegations thrown at Tyranny of Tradition over the past few days. While our record for jurnalismcore integrity should stand on its own, as leader of this vast and unimpeachable media empire, I felt it necessary to respond in order to make sure that the public understands the depths to which we will plunge to in order to expose the truth.
In an article written by Grimlock Von Myxlplyx, Edward-In-Chief of the anti-American, freedom-hating, infant-killing tabloid Universe Number Five, it is claimed that Tyranny of Tradition has printed several articles that are untrue. If I’ve learned anything from watching American politics, it is that we must first attack and slander the source of these lies, then, if we have time left over, address the charges. For, if you, the public, are able to see that the person making these charges has ever lied or done anything wrong in their entire lives, you will believe nearly anything I have to say.
First, you should know that Grimlock Von Myxlplyx is not even the real name of the fellow over at Universe Number Five. In reality, his name is Dr. Oystein Von Deafendorfer. He uses a cryptic assumed name because he is wanted in several states, as well as the country of Angola, for robbing ferrets from pet stores using a bayonet. Second, while he may be a “doctor”, his degree from Oxford University is in Rabbit Cloning. He is certainly not an expert in jurnalismcore and is in no position to critique our rigorous ethical standards.
His website has claimed things that are completely preposterous. In 2012, they claimed that the band Dying Fetus plagiarized the song “From Womb To Waste” from the 1966 Isley Brothers classic “Baby Don’t You Do It”. The independent law firm of Nixon, Rosewater, and Eichmann determined conclusively BEFORE the article was written that it was actually stolen from The Brothers Johnson’s 1977 hit single “Strawberry Letter #23”. No mention of this was made in Dr. Deafendorfer’s article! You call that jurnalismcore?!?!
Further, Universe Number Five is actually a front organization for Al-Qaeda. Most of the articles are written in a complex code, that, when translated into Yiddish, reveal critical, top-secret information on the location of important American celebrities like Dyan Cannon, George Kennedy and Lisa Marie Presley, all of whom have been considered targets for assassination by Islamic extremists. Finally, Dr. Deafendorfer has admitted to me on several occasions that he does not like Slayer.
Just so you, the public, are clear, Tyranny of Tradition is the finest and most truthful source of jurnalismcore on this planet. We have a staff over 9,000 fact-checkers who steadfastly comb through each article in order to ensure that every word printed is completely, one hundred and fifty thousand percent true. Before an article reaches your eyes, it has been inspected by some of the top trained editors on the planet from some of the most prestigious universities including Harvard, Yale and University of Phoenix. Our site has received hundreds of thousands of awards including the coveted Charles R. Ponzi Award For Truth back in 2008.
I often see comments attached to Tyranny articles saying things like “Dude, you know Tyranny of Tradition is a fake website, right?” These words make me the most angry, because Tyranny IS a real website. We have a URL address for godsakes! If you look at your computer screen the site is REALLY there. I am not a magician. I can’t go to your house, get inside your brain and make you see things that don’t exist.
I know the Tyranny of Tradition is real because it is, in fact, made of molecules. Now, I know molecules aren’t important to the people of this generation, but I come from a time when molecules really meant something. To slander molecules by claiming they are not real is an insult to myself, my family and those who have served in the armed forces to protect American molecules from the invasion of foreign molecules.
I leave you with the words of my colleague, the esteemed scholar and quote writer Ralph Waldo Emerson. When Mr. Emerson was asked what he thought of our fine website he simply shook his head and replied “Tyranny of Tradition is the truth, the American public is the illusion.”
Yours in Truth, Justice and The American Way,
Reverend Keith Spillett
Edguy-In-Chief
Tyranny of Tradition
Texas Representative Louie Gohmert Claims Moshing Violates God’s Law
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on June 13, 2013
Louie Gohmert has taken on a lot of brutal adversaries in his time on Capitol Hill. His bravery in the face of so-called “terror babies” and “radical Islamists who are trained to act Hispanic” have made him a pillar of the American Right. Now, he’s turning his energies to fight against a problem that he believes is “the greatest threat to the health and safety of America’s youth”. That problem, according to Gohmert, is the mosh pit.
In a press conference on Monday, Gohmert spoke in depth about “the recent phenomena referred to as ‘pitting’ by young people”. Gohmert claimed that thousands of young people are injured or killed everyday in this “circle of ungodliness”.
He went on to discuss stories he had heard of mosh pits breaking out not just at heavy metal concerts, but also in daycare centers and hospital emergency rooms. He told the story of an unnamed 87-year-old woman who was crushed to death when a mosh pit broke at a Perkins restaurant on Seniors Pay What They Weigh Night last month in White Bear Lake, Minnesota. “What happens to the innocent when they are caught in a mosh? Who speaks for them!” Gohmert thundered to reporters.
In a Fox News interview yesterday, Gohmert took his anti-moshing rhetoric a step further. “If you know your Bible, you would know that the Book of Numbers 16:30 clearly states ‘they that go down quickly into the pit; shall understand that they have provoked the Lord.’ Men and women who enter mosh pits are sinful and are, in fact, provoking God’s wrath. Pitting violates God’s law.”
Gohmert concluded the interview by claiming that, while most people think that heavy metal fans created the mosh pit, it is actually based on Sufi dervish dancing. “People may not realize this, but wild, dangerous Sufi dancing is part of the Muslim tradition. The same tradition that has declared war on the West and its Christian values. While metal fans think they are simply pitting to noisy, violent music, they are, in fact, praising a God worshipped by people who want to destroy us.”
While Gohmert believes that passing anti-pit laws is not the solution to this national crisis, he does see a viable alternative. “If you want to stop pits from breaking out, the quickest, most effective solution is the widespread distribution of M4 assault rifles to all red-blooded, patriotic Americans. If every good, God-loving man, woman and child carried one at all times, we would be safe from these heavy metal hooligans.”
Metalcore World Rocked By Stunning New Evidence of Hatebreed Singer’s Dark Mouseketeer Past
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on June 12, 2013
For years, Hatebreed singer Jamey Jasta was thought to be one of the baddest men on the planet. Jasta, a bandana wearing, tattoo-covered wildman, fronted one of the most rock’em-sock’em groups in the metalcore universe. Hatebreed was a name that inspired fear in the hearts of men, women and children alike. When Jasta howled the lyrics from songs like “Destroy Everything” and “In Ashes They Shall Reap” God-fearing, stability-loving citizens of this Great Republic cowered in terror. All those years, Jasta was carrying a secret that threatened to shake the very foundations of the metalcore world. Jamey was a former Mouseketeer.
Many of today’s top celebrities emerged from the 1990s version of The All-New Mickey Mouse Club. Keri Russell, Justin Timberlake, Brittney Spears, Christina Aguilera and Ryan Gosling were all part of the shows star-studded cast. There was also a quiet, well-mannered, golden-throated young man by the name of Casey Shanahan. He was only on the show for the 1990 season and is best remembered for a duet version the Ben E. King classic “Stand By Me” he performed with Spears. His contract was not renewed and “Casey” disappeared into obscurity. At least, that’s how the story goes.
Casey, who went by James when he wasn’t on the show, started a hardcore band with some of his friends back in New Haven, Connecticut that became one of the top selling metal acts of all time. He claimed that during the time he was supposedly on the show, he was a mild-mannered high school student who listened to a lot of Slayer and avoided pop music like the plague.
CNN’s Picture of “Casey” Jasta. He Is The Blonde Kid Standing Up In The Back With The Striped Shirt
Jasta has been hounded by rumors of his connection to the Mickey Mouse Club for years. In 2005, a fan at a concert in Dallas, Texas, was arrested for trying to sneak backstage at a Hatebreed concert to get his Mickey Mouse Club tee shirt signed. The fan, Dutch Engstrom, claimed in an interview with police that he had remembered “Casey” from the show and simply wanted to congratulate him on his success. Hours later, Dutch reportedly hung himself in his prison cell.
Pike Bishop, a reporter with the Washington Post, was ready to run a story on the Jasta-Mouseketeer Connection when he was told it would not be published by his editor. Days after the story was killed, Bishop died of a mysterious bacterial infection from consuming tainted shawarma at a Middle Eastern restaurant in Georgetown.
Deke Thornton, a stagehand on the 1990 Mickey Mouse Club show, contacted a publisher about potentially writing a tell-all novel about Jasta’s role on the show in 2009. Minutes after his phone conversation, his San Antonio home was destroyed by a stray missile accidentally launched during a US Army training exercise. He and his entire collection of 53 flat-tailed spider tortoises died instantly.
Finally, on Monday evening, CNN’s Wolf Blitzer ran a story showing clear, photographic evidence of Jasta’s time on the popular Disney channel show. After the broadcast, Blitzer and his golf caddy Freddie Sykes were mauled to death by zebras in the CNN parking lot. Police are calling the attack an accident.
Jasta himself has remained silent on the matter. He has yet to comment on the CNN story or any of the other reports of his involvement with the Mickey Mouse Club. However, his image as a warrior of true metalcore may never recover from the stories and pictures of his misspent youth.
Scientists Discover “Fear Factory” Gene In Mice
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on June 11, 2013
A Fear Factory Mouse Attack Captured On Film In Hudson, Wisconsin
Chances are you’ve seen them rampaging through the streets. They range in size from 6 foot 1 to 6 foot 4 and usually weigh between 245 and 270 pounds. They have excessively large foreheads, surprisingly short arms and enormous kneecaps. They are usually relatively intelligent, slightly clumsy, and uncommonly strong. They are Fear Factory Mice and they are the greatest threat to the American Way of Life since the creation of Social Security.
They pour forth from the faces and body cavities of the lower animals and consume all that is in their path. These mice replicate at incredible speeds, often breeding with donkeys and fish. They are capable of incredible kindness and unspeakable acts of cruelty. The wilderness is full of them. They stalk campers and hikers, toying with them by bellowing the lyrics to Fear Factory’s Top 40 single “Martyr” before ripping them apart. Yet, in some cases, they have struck up remarkable friendships with their human prey, occasionally exchanging Tupperware products with their victims before devouring their bodies.
This is why we must, under no circumstances, EVER, leave the house again.
Sometimes, they make their way into cities and battle local Mice Control Workers (MCWs) for control of poultry-themed fast food restaurants. These MCWs are often equipped with the latest in taxpayer funded, anti-mouse laser death rays. However, a swarm of them can quickly overpower a team of MCWs. At that point, the government’s options become limited. In some instances, like in the case of the former city of Phoenix, Arizona in 1998, the full-scale use of nuclear weaponry is the only conceivable way of preserving what is left of the American Dream.
In 1991, when The Great Mousehunts began, scientists were baffled the ability of the Fear Factory Mice to regenerate their wounded bodies and learn from previous defeats. While regular mice would lie in their cages and allow the doctors to poke, prod and dissect them in the name of building a better world for Americans, these Fear Factory Mice would rise up, reassemble their body parts and fight against the scientists, sometimes taking whole laboratories hostage. The mice took to the hills after being decimated in early battles with the Army, but quickly regrouped and, after signing a mutual defense treaty with Fidel Castro and the Cubans, have become a constant threat to commerce and the safety of average citizens.
Besides the significant difference in height and common “sleeve” tattoos worn on the arms of the Fear Factory Mice, it is almost impossible for the average observer to tell the difference between the two breeds until it is too late. Reactions have varied from city-to-city, but the most common response has been to move to high ground and wait for inevitable death. Conservatives have taken to storing up thousands of rounds of ammunition, stockpiling anti-mouse weaponry, praying and watching Bruce Willis movies until it is safe to enter the cities again. Liberals have started community based Mice Awareness Groups (MAGs) and eco-friendly, cruelty-free Mice Education Programs (MEPs) in the hopes of tolerating the animals to death. Until Friday, it seemed as if no one had an answer to the single greatest issue of our time.
However, thanks to the expenditure of billions of taxpayer dollars and the generosity of several of our top corporate leaders, science has, once again, saved us from the abyss of mass extinction. Years of research has led to a breakthrough of fantastic proportions. Without going into all of the science-y type details, it is clear that some mice possess a gene that causes them, upon hearing a Fear Factory song, to become enormous, flesh-thirsty beasts. By simply destroying all remaining copies of Fear Factory’s music, bathing regularly in fresh chicken blood and sacrificing one infant human on a bi-weekly basis, the threat of these killer mice will be eliminated by the year 2039.
Surprisingly, the answer to the great mystery lay in the journals of former President Calvin Coolidge. In his last days, Coolidge claimed to have been visited by men from the future that foresaw the mouse epidemic and gave him a specific set of plans to isolate the Fear Factory Gene and destroy the hordes of ravenous rodents. Coolidge tried to warn several people of the terror that awaited humankind, but no one believed him because his habit of drinking iodine had caused a rapid deterioration in his mental condition. He was killed on the night he planned to talk to a sympathetic reporter from the New York Times when a hummingbird flew up his nose and caused a brain aneurysm.
We were saved because we believed hard enough in the menacing green light, the orgiastic past that explodes from our mouths every time we scratch the surface of reality. The forest advances year-by-year, no matter how hard or how fast we strike our axes against the trees. Sure, the mice didn’t get us this time, but that’s no matter. Tomorrow, we will run away faster, flail our arms harder and eventually slip on the ever-looming banana peel, falling to our collective deaths….
So we beat on, building a better mousetrap, born to ceaselessly regurgitate the past.
Fear Factory….Before They Caused The End Of Life As We Know It
Deicide To Record Yet Another Yoga Themed Satanic Death Metal Album
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on June 6, 2013
Here we go again! In the hopes of cashing in on a trend that seems to never go away, Florida death metal legends have become the 318th band to record an album focusing on the obvious connection between Satanism and yoga. The album, tentatively titled “Hellward Facing Dog”, is scheduled for release in September in an attempt to not coincide with the hundreds of satanic yoga albums due out this summer.
Since the release of Virginia Republican Lieutenant Gubernatorial candidate E.W. Jackson’s 2008 book Ten Commandments To An Extraordinary Life: Making Your Dreams Come True, which claims that yoga opens the soul to tampering by the devil, a nearly endless stream of Satan-themed yoga metal albums have come and gone. “The connection is so obvious it seems passé at this point,” said lifetime yoga practitioner and devil worshiper Billy “Gore Tornado” Yee, “it’s obvious that if you engage in a spiritual practice that in any way steps outside the Western religious tradition or that seems, well, weird, you are bound to have your soul turned into Swiss cheese by the Dark Lord himself. It was just a matter of time before the metal world caught up.”
Boy, have they ever caught up! Satanic yoga metal classes have moved from fringe exercises performed by a legion of hate mongering savages to a regular activity taught at your local YMCA. Morbid Angel’s yoga video “Sweatin’ With Satan” was the number 3 workout video in the country in 2009. The classic “horns-up” metal salute has been jettisoned in favor of a Buddhist hand mudra. Moshing, once common at metal shows, has been replaced by groups of angry, tee shirt clad metalheads reciting mantras while seated in lotus position.
Deicide frontman Glen Benton, a “satanic purist” who had previously claimed to have no interest in the yogafying the band’s sound, has recently embraced the ancient art and even appeared on the television show “The View” to do poses with host Elizabeth Hasselbeck. During the show, Benton admitted he was wrong about yoga and had never really taken the time to consider how sitting quietly in meditation and reconnecting with his body would allow him to unlock the “Satan within” that he had been seeking most of his adult life. Benton went on to say that Deicide was considering using the next tour to promote even more controversial satanic practices like playing soccer and eating yogurt.
Heavy Metal Television Listings in The Alternate Dimension of Blargh
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on June 5, 2013
Every Sunday night between 5:15 and 5:17, thanks to a mixture of transcendental yoga, Nyquil and Shiatsu, my mind travels to a dimension similar to our own. This parallel universe is known simply as Blargh.
Many of the details of The Blargh Dimension are similar. For example, the San Francisco Giants have won two of the last four World Series there as well. However, there are also some major differences. For example, in Blargh, the Giants best pitcher is a 14-foot tall polar bear with 11 arms.
One of the most extreme differences between their world and ours is the role of heavy metal in their lives. The average resident of Blargh listens to roughly 22 hours of heavy metal a day. By the age of 11, all Blarghian children are tested on Venom and Slayer lyrics. If they make even one mistake, they are fed to one of the thousands of giant lobsters that live in tunnels below the cities.
I have been trying to convince people of my travels for years. However, the story is a bit far-fetched and proof is hard to come by. However, this Sunday, I was able to rip out a page from the Blarghian TV Guide and smuggle it back. Here is the evidence of the existence of this world, along with a good sampling of what the average Blarghian watches on network television (President-For-Life Agnew banned cable TV in the 1980s and, consequently, they only have three channels).
CBS
8:00-9:00 Marduk, She Wrote
Everyone’s favorite 276-year old detective Angela Lansbury teams up with Swedish metal blasphemers Marduk to solve mysteries and promote neo-fascism.
9:00-9:30 Jeff Walker, Texas Ranger
After leaving Carcass, metal legend Jeff Walker uses his extensive knowledge of human anatomy to fight crime and poor hygiene in Texas.
9:30-10:00 Touched By A Morbid Angel
A heartwarming show that features David Vincent giving fake messages from God to strangers and making them do really horrifying things to their loved ones.
10:00-11:00 The Dukes of Biohazard
Brothers Bo and Spyder Jonez speed around a post-apocalyptic Brooklyn in a car with a confederate flag painted on the roof while trying to avoid police officers and members of the Baseball Furies gang.
NBC
8:00-8:30 Leave it To Believer
Jerry Mathers stars as an Kurt Bachman, an 8-year old musical prodigy who writes Christian death metal songs and gets into all sorts of mischief with his brother Wally.
8:30-9:00 Powermad About You
An aging Minneapolis thrash band fall head over heels in love with Helen Hunt and attempt to marry her in violation of New York’s ban on polygamy.
9:00-10:00 In Battle There is No LA Law
Seven-time Emmy winning actress Jo Bench and the members of Bolt Thrower star as hip Los Angeles attorneys who drive around in sports cars while dressing as characters from Warhammer.
10:00-11:00 Falconer Crest
Lorenzo Llamas stars as a power metal vocalist who tries to wrestle control of a winery from Ronald Reagan’s ex-wife.
ABC
8:00-8:30 All In The Manson Family
Marilyn Manson is a crusty but benign racist who argues incessantly with his leftist son-in-law and humiliates his “dingbat” wife.
8:30-9:00 Newhartwork
A spin off of Jeff Walker, Texas Ranger. Walker retires and opens a bed and breakfast in a Vermont that is visited by traveling grindcore bands and Elvis impersonators.
9:00-9:30 Fantomas Island
Mike Patton, Dave Lombardo, Hervé Villechaize, and Ricardo Montalban are trapped on a magical island that is haunted by the ghost of Henry Mancini.
10:00-11:00 Highway To Hell
Bon Scott stars as a demon attempting to force wayward souls to make bad life decisions and end up condemned to eternal suffering. Michael Landon and the scuzzy looking guy who always wear the Oakland A’s hat co-star.
The Tyranny of Tradition 