In Defense of Rob Dukes
Posted by Keith Spillett in Existential Rambings on February 19, 2013
I believe it was Henry Kissinger who once said, “There is no soup like the milk of human longing.” Or was it Lacan. I’m not sure. Irregardless of redundant words that don’t actually exist or simply restate words that could be a heck of a lot shorter, Kissinger meant what he said. If he did say it. Which he didn’t.
I’m reminded of a time before radar. A time where planes needed to fly below nothing to be hidden. They simply didn’t exist. A time where whales walked the earth and the band Earth performed in Wales. Or neither.
You wanted him to be Souza. You pretended as only the pretentious can. But he was not and you cried. Tears of horror. You lifted your copy of Fabulous Disasters towards the sky and you shook it. You demanded God reformulate Himself in your image for once so that He could understand the grave misfortune He had bestowed upon the world. You swore allegiance if He only would bring back the mighty Zetro.
First, there was denial. Then, anger. Then, bargaining. You listened to their cover of Elvis Costello’s “Pump It Up” and started telling random strangers, Jehovah’s Witnesses, anyone who would listen how it was an unappreciated classic. You walked into a supermarket wearing an outfit made out of Australian Herring. You began gargling diet soda and spitting it on children. You bought a ’76 Dodge Dart and painted the lyrics from Manowar’s “Bridge of Death” all over the doors. You joined People For The Ethical Treatment of Animals. You sent poems and toenail clippings to all the living members of the Bar-Kays.
You began attending lectures at Emory University about the history of the sciatic nerve. You moved to Norway. You became a vegan. You began accusing high-ranking government officials of being Freemasons. You disavowed the use of salt. You fell in love. You became convinced that people were out to get you.
You stopped reading this article. You began biting your cousin’s arm hair. You went to your window, opened it and began shouting all the lyrics from the first five Venom albums. You joined the Peace Corps. You learned to play bass. You became convinced that you had killed John F Kennedy in spite of the fact that you were born 12 years after the assassination took place. You started being mistaken in public for Marilu Henner. You tried a new type of shampoo. You spent 37 dollars and 29 cents on a used copy of an Atrophy album only to find that it had decayed. You ate all of the rolls. I know you did. I saw you. Don’t lie. You did. And now you are not admitting it. You are a dishonest person.
As Rick Pitino once said, “Paul Baloff isn’t walking through that door.” Or was it Hegel. I’m not sure. I think we can all agree on one thing, violent video games are the cause of nearly all of our current problems. That, and misogynistic, violent metal lyrics. And cell phone towers. And terrorism. And disco goregrind.
But, if I know one thing, it is this, Rob Dukes is a talented man who has brought stability and a brutal new sound to Exodus. Or maybe he didn’t. I dunno. But, if I know one thing, it is this, Rob Dukes is emblematic of how heavy metal fans have become ill-equipped to handle even the most minor of changes without turning into a bunch of fundamentalist whiners with the undying need to prove that they were “there” first, even if they don’t really care where “there” is. Or maybe not. I dunno. All I know is this, if it weren’t for Exodus, the children of Israel would never have left slavery through the strength of Yahweh. And that, at the end of the day, is all that is important.
Supreme Court Finds Moment of Prayer Before Atheist Concert To Be Unconstitutional
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on October 8, 2012
Florida death metal band Atheist thought they were doing the right thing for their community. They had been scheduled to play a series of concerts during lunch at local elementary schools throughout the Tampa/Clearwater area in order to spread the appreciation of music and the love of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. However, on Thursday, the US Supreme Court upheld a law that prohibits prayer during metal concerts on public school grounds. In effect, this means that Atheist and other faith-based death metal bands are no longer allowed to pray before concerts at public schools.
A good number of local politicians and parents have denounced the decision, which shocked most legal experts who are used to the government letting people get away with anything they want as long as they invoke the name of the Christian God. Members of the band Atheist are particularly outraged by the Court’s ruling, which they believe prohibits their constitutionally guaranteed right to pressure young school children into conforming to wildly absurd community standards. According to Atheist drummer Steve Flynn, “if music can’t be used as a tool of forcing children into the belief that every mistake they make could potentially earn them an eternity of torment, what’s the point of even playing?”
Atheist has been known for their outspoken Christian beliefs over the past few years. They refuse to play concerts on Sundays and have been known to throw Chick-Fila sandwiches at anyone wearing satanic black metal shirts or mocking Tim Tebow’s throwing arm. They played several fundraisers earlier in the year for Presidential candidate Rick Santorum and have even dedicated their song “Faux King Christ” to Moral Majority Founder Jerry Falwell at a concert in July.
The Court has not been shy recently over taking cases involving religion and heavy metal. Last year, they ruled 5 to 4 that members of the band Deicide can be forced to do the Pledge of Allegiance before concerts in spite of the fact that they are Jehovah’s Witnesses and their faith prohibits saluting secular symbols. In a landmark case back in 2008, they ruled that the black metal band Watain was prohibited from throwing out non-Kosher animal parts into the audience during concerts taking place in a synagogue.
A Criminological Review of Lion Splicer’s “Holiday in Dystopia”
Posted by Keith Spillett in Pointless Music Reviews on October 4, 2012
I’m sitting on the side of the road on a stormy October morning. The clock reads 3:52. My car is bathed in a flood of ominous blue police lights from the car behind me. My speakers are pinned on 50 blaring “Holiday in Dystopia”, the new record from Lion Splicer. Suddenly, a loud knock on the window….
Officer: License and registration.
Me: I was listen to the new Lion Splicer record, Officer. It’s quite good. They shown some genuine progress from their earlier stuff and I already thought that was pretty excellent. They’re really thrashy with a punk rock edge. They remind me a lot of the stuff that used to be on K Records years back like Karp and Fitz of Depression…..
Officer: License….and registration.
Me: I don’t know what you think of the whole crossover scene, but I really dig it. Lion Splicer has moments where they remind me of D.R.I. or, if you are a bit younger, Municipal Waste. It’s never been my favorite scene, but when it’s done well, it’s a lot of fun to listen to. Great party music. The song they have on this record called “The Whip” really gets into the spirit of….
Officer: Listen Son. I just need your license and registration.
Me: I understand that. One of the things that really grabs me about “Holiday in Dystopia” is the band’s willingness to mix in genres you wouldn’t expect. I know a lot of bands today do that, but they really have a knack for how to make it work. The solo on the first song “Jezebel” sounds like something off of a Dick Dale and The Deltones record. Pure surf. I was blown away when I…..
Officer: Okay Son, I’ve had about enough of this talk about this Lion Slicer band….
Me: Lion Splicer. I’ve been assured by the band that they mean no harm towards animals. Particularly lions. They love lions and mean to use their music to….
Officer: Whatever. Listen, I’m not interested in whatever this is you are trying to talk to me about. You were doing 79 in a 35. That’s the issue, Son.
Me: No, no, I understand. I just think that if you went to the bands Bandcamp site and check them out, you wouldn’t be so concerned about minor details.
Officer: Minor det….Son, you were going 43 miles over the speed limit…
Me: 44 actually….
Officer: YES! EXACTLY. So let’s stop with all the talk about this Tiger Beat band….
Me: Lion Splicer.
Officer: Stop interrupting me!
Me: Sorry, I just think that the bands ability to blend bizarre, dissonant noise with catchy rhythms is unique and borders on sheer brilliance. If that’s a crime, ARREST ME! Put the cuffs on me and take me away!
Officer: Gladly.
Metallica Names 2,000 Pound Walrus as New Bass Player
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on October 3, 2012
Ending weeks of speculation, Metallica has chosen Nessie, a 2,000 pound performing walrus, to be their new bass player. The search began back in 2011 when bassist extraordinaire Robert Trujillo was eaten by a pack of feral orangutans at the Jones Beach Toll Plaza in Long Island, New York. The band had auditioned over 62,023,017 potential bass players before finally settling yesterday on Nessie. Before being selected by Metallica, Nessie has had a storied career that included a stint as halfback for the New York Jets and three years as a backup singer for the Isley Brothers.
Nessie is relatively new to the metal scene, but has already made a big impression. During a freezing cold outdoor concert in Oslo, Norway, Nessie laid on top of Megadeth singer Dave Mustaine for the entire song Tornado of Souls in order to save him from frostbite. However, not all of Nessie’s experiences with the metal scene have been positive. Controversy followed Nessie after he knocked Kerry King unconscious after a Slayer show in March. King had apparently tried to eat one of Nessie’s fins, driving him into a wild, murderous rage.
Nessie will begin his tenure in Metallica next month when the band gets to work on recording its next album, the nautically themed “A Porpoise Driven Life”. The new record will feature several exciting new tracks including “Of Wolf and Manatee”, “Trapped Under Ice Fishermen”, “The Cod That Failed”, and “Saint Angler”. They are also planning another in the long series of Unforgiven songs, this one called “The Unforgiven Mambo Number 5”.
Industry experts expect the album to come out sometime in late 2015 in order to coincide with Red Lobster’s yearly Endless Crab Legs promotion. Red Lobster became the official sponsor of Metallica earlier this month.
Metallica Names Former Ethiopian Emperor Halie Selassie As New Bass Player
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on September 27, 2012
Ending weeks of speculation, Metallica has chosen former Ethiopian Emperor Halie Selassie as their new bass player. The search began back in 2011 when bassist extraordinaire Robert Trujillo left the band after being named US Ambassador to Kyrgyzstan. The band had auditioned over 30,000 potential bass players before finally settling yesterday on Selassie. Selassie, who died in 1975, was known for shepherding his nation through a war with Italy and years of internal strife as well as being a member of Ethiopia’s top Metallica cover band “Purify”.
Selassie remains a controversial figure in the metal community since he ordered Metallica to stop using chemical weapons against Megadeth back in 2009. He has always been wildly popular among large sections of the Rastafarian metal community, but is universally despised by most Italian Fascist metalheads. Selassie is perhaps best known for his speech in 1936 in front of the League of Nations where he argued that Iron Maiden, not Manowar, should be considered the rightful Kings of Metal.
Selassie will begin his tenure in Metallica next month when the band gets to work on recording its next album “Exile in Ponyland”. The new record, due to come out sometime in late 2013, is a concept album that is based on both the popular My Little Pony toy series and Dante’s Inferno. The album’s story will focus on the travels of Starlight and Bright Eyes Pony as they journey through the darkest regions of hell. On their journey, they meet and befriend several lovable, unforgettable characters that are suffering eternal damnation.
Unlike some previous Metallica bassists, Selassie will be a major part of the songwriting process. He has an impeccable reputation throughout the music industry as a top-flight songwriter and has even scored Top 40 hits in the 1970s with the song “Devil Went Down To Georgia”, performed by The Charlie Daniels Band, and in the 1990s with the song “Crossroads”, recorded by Bone Thugs’n’Harmony.
Many different bass players applied for the job, including several well-known names. Veteran actor Burt Reynolds was initially considered a shoe-in for the job, but fell out of contention last month when he and guitarist Dom DeLuise joined Corrosion of Conformity. Former Pittsburgh Steeler coach Bill Cowher, 19th century philosopher John Stuart Mill and Nobel Prize winning economist Milton Friedman were all leading candidates for the position, but Selassie was able to win out due to his leadership and vision for the future of the band.
Century Media To Sue Man For Singing Iced Earth Songs In The Shower
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on September 24, 2012
In a move designed to discourage the unauthorized distribution of their albums as well as to bleed money from their audience, German based record label Century Media have brought suit against a Little Rock, Arkansas man for illegal singing Iced Earth songs in the shower. The man, identified as David Chaste, a mechanic and father of four young children, began singing the chorus from the Iced Earth song “Wolf” while taking a shower after work on August 5th, 2012. Chaste, who did not own the album the song was on, was overheard by his wife and, therefore, was distributing property that did not belong to him.
According to Cy Ganiff, the lawyer for the company, this sort of distribution of stolen property makes Chaste liable for nearly one million dollars in damages against the company. However, Century Media has offered to make the lawsuit go away if Chaste simply agrees to pay thousands of dollars in legal costs or name his next child Napalm Death.
According to Century Media spokesman James Heister, the record industry loses millions of dollars a year on people using their products without permission. “Think about how many people sing songs by Century Media bands on a regular basis. That is revenue the label is entitled to. After all, it is our property and they haven’t paid to use it,” said Heister, while kicking a puppy and burning a baby with a lit cigarette.
Last month, Century Media brought suit against Myrtle Washington, a 92-year-old woman who was overheard humming “The Star Spangled Banner” on line at a Kroger in New Port Richey, Florida. “The Star Spangled Banner” was, of course, first used on the Iced Earth album “The Glorious Burden”. The case was dismissed as by a local magistrate because it was considered frivolous, but that hasn’t stopped the label from looking for other creative new streams of revenue. Novel new methods of fundraising, like kidnapping and ransoming the children of those involved in illegal file sharing, are being strongly considered.
In spite of the unpopularity of the suit among many fans, some have rallied in support of the label’s right to use the American legal system as a giant extortion machine. Ralph Sycophant, a lifelong metalhead, self proclaimed rebel and founder of the internet protest group called Property Over People, believes that Century Media should continue with the lawsuit. “Companies have the right to do anything they want in order to make a profit. This is America. It’s in the Constitution,” said Sycophant.
Metalhead Immolates Self In Protest Of Rolling Stone List Of Top 100 Metal Bands
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on September 21, 2012
The war over Rolling Stone’s list of the Top 100 metal albums of all time just got more heated. On Thursday morning, metalhead activist Steve Dalkowski lit himself on fire in his living room in Asbury Park, New Jersey in an attempt to show his anger at the recent Top 100 list. The fire consumed two-thirds of his house and his entire collection of Pig Destroyer live DVDs. According to a note left by Dalkowski, he could “no longer live in a world where Borknagar’s 2012 release Urd is not given its proper respect by metal fans and the media as a whole.”
Dalkowski’s note, which railed against several notable omissions from the list, was scrawled on the back of a gatefold vinyl copy of “Anthems to The Welkin At Dusk”. It included a scathing critique of the list, which he noted “failed to include anything by Darkthrone, Mayhem or any of the early Gorgoroth records.” Further, he added that “the doom genre got totally and completely ignored. What sort of Top 100 list would leave out anything by St. Vitus?” He finished the note by excoriating the writers at Rolling Stone for “not even knowing which Death album James Murphy was on.”
Rolling Stone’s list has been criticized by many metalheads for including bands that are not traditionally considered heavy metal. Number 23 on the list, for example, was Bob Dylan’s “Blonde on Blonde”. The Shins “Oh, Inverted World” and Kanye West’s “Late Registration” were also considered worthy of being in the Top 100 causing great consternation among those who follow metal. Still, Dalkowski’s reaction is considered extreme.
Dalkowski’s self-immolation is the latest in a string of metal related self-disfigurements. Two months ago, Nevada metalhead Jim Loudermilk doused himself in sulfuric acid to protest Cryptopsy’s failure to use fretless bass on their recent self-titled album. Last week, metal fan James Riley drowned himself in a giant vat of mustard in order to voice his displeasure that Bolt Thrower is not being allowed to play two sets at this year’s Maryland Death Fest.
Dalkowski is currently in critical condition at Mount Sinai hospital with burns over 90 percent of his body. Doctors expect a full recovery but believe he might never again be able to grow hair on his tongue.
Chicago Teachers Strike After Venom Is Banned From Classrooms
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on September 18, 2012
Chicago’s pro-Venom teacher strike has entered its second week with little hope of a quick resolution. The strike, started by teachers in response to Mayor Rahm Emmanuel’s order to shelve the controversial “Cronos In The Classroom” program, has left parents struggling to find childcare and students ecstatic over not having to be crammed into overcrowded classrooms while being pushed from standardized test to standardized test like a mindless herd of cattle.
Chicago teachers began using Venom songs to help students improve in reading and mathematics. One unit of the program, “Algebra with Abaddon” teaches 8th graders by using problems like this: Chuck has 25 human heads collected for the Dark Lord Satan in his basement while Li has only collected 12. If Li collects 5 heads a month and Chuck only collects 3, when will Li have more heads than Chuck and get to wear the Mark of the Beast?
The program, started by former Flesh Eating Head Wound bassist and 9th grade Chicago public school English teacher Matt Strobe in 2006, was meant to teach basic skills in a way that is fun and engaging. “Much of what students see in the classroom feels disconnected and alien. Many of our students are heavily involved in Satan worship and animal sacrifice. The program was meant to speak to them in a language they understand and can relate to,” declared Strobe during a recent interview with the Chicago Sun Times.
The program was being used in fifteen schools when Emmanuel pulled the plug on it. In spite of being wildly popular with the students and being cited as a major reason that attendance has dramatically improved, Emmanuel felt the program had to go. “Obviously, there were issues over the content of the Venom songs being used. Satanic murder rampages are not something a school should endorse. Still, that wasn’t the main issue. We stopped the program because test scores in math and reading had declined,” said Emmanuel in a press conference last Monday.
The program has been replaced with one called “Consumer Magic”, a series of units meant to teach test taking skills and breed mindless obedience to authority figures and corporations. “Consumer Magic” has been tested in several cities and has led to higher test scores and a stronger willingness by students to engage in positive social activities like shopping and repeating what well-educated adults have already said.
For teachers, the end of a program like “Cronos in the Classroom” was enough to send them to the picket line. One possible compromise is the introduction of a program called “From Bathory to The Boardroom”, a mix of satanic, death-affirming values, corporate ideology and time tested learning strategies. The program is being considered by both the teachers union and the city and might offer a way out of the current impasse.
Metalheads Storm US Embassy in Cleveland; Demand End To Opeth Song
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on September 14, 2012
Chanting “Death to King Crimson Influenced Prog Metal”, thousands of enraged metalhead protesters stormed the US Embassy in Cleveland last night burning, looting and thrashing everything in sight. The protestors, enraged by a 4-year-long performance of Opeth’s “Black Rose Immortal”, tossed copies of Opeth albums along with several mellotrons onto a burning pyre just inside of the embassy gates.
Opeth began performing the song at Cleveland’s famed Agora Ballroom back on September 12th, 2008 and have been unwilling to conclude the song in the years since. The song was meant to be the finale to a highly successful show, but it kept going on. First for hours, then days, then weeks, then years. The crowd, which was filled to capacity at the start of the song, began dwindling. By December of that year, only 7 fans were left in the building, but the band played on.
Alfredo Garcia, the head promoter for the Agora, has tried everything possible to get them off of the stage. The sound was unplugged, the lights were turned out, a court order was issued to remove them, the local police attempted to tear gas them, he even hired a gang of hooligans and disgruntled Browns fans to rough the band up, all to no avail.
The people of Cleveland had finally had enough. Groups of wild-eyed protestors camped out in front of the Agora to try to force them to stop. When that didn’t work, they marched on the US Embassy and held over three months of boisterous demonstrations imploring President Obama to call out the National Guard in order to end the song.
Frustration and anger finally boiled over when a popular local Cleveland radio station made the mistake of playing Opeth’s “The Leper Affinity”. Several metalheads began scaling the walls of the compound and a full-scale invasion took place. Miraculously, only one person was injured, a 34-year-old man whose bullet necklace exploded while he was helping to set a car on fire.
In an exclusive interview with Tyranny of Tradition, Opeth frontman Mikeal Akerfeldt claimed that the band would eventually finish the song but “hadn’t yet gotten to the bass solo or the 2-year-long piano outro.” He was stunned by the chaos the song had caused. “We have to be living in a pretty ridiculous world to have music cause this level of violence and hatred. You’d have to be a highly deluded fool to attack an embassy based on one piece of artistic expression,” lamented Akerfeldt right before he launched into an unprecedented 1467th acoustic guitar break.
Billionaire Sheldon Adelson to Open Exclusive Black Metal Only Golf Course and Country Club
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on September 12, 2012
In a move designed to give committed black metal fans a break from having to spend time around people who consider Dimmu Borgir a true black metal band, billionaire casino owner and former Marduk bassist Sheldon Adelson plans to open the world’s first black metal only golf course and country club. The club will be meant to provide recreational and networking opportunities to those who are true to the cause of real black metal. The club will not allow any fake metal posers to join or even play as guests.
Adelson, a multi-million dollar contributor to political campaigns and groups that deal with social issues, has always felt that the cause of black metal elitism was close to his heart. He has given over 12 million dollars to Black Metal Listeners for Decency, a group that has lobbied the US Congress for several years in order to pass a law that force music retailers to only sell black metal albums to those who can provide valid proof of metal purity. Proof would include a signed letter from Fenriz, pictures of the person burning down a church or skull fragments from Euronymous.
The country club, set on 300 plush acres in the hills of North Carolina, will feature a course designed by legendary golf architect Robert Trent Jones. In spite of the traditional location and set up, the club will feature some unique and somewhat bizarre rules. Only those in corpse paint will be allowed to enter the clubhouse. In order to play the course, members must wear golf spikes as well as an authentic tour shirt from a black metal concert that took place before 1994. The only languages that will be spoken at the club will be Old Norse or Burzamtine, a language developed by Varg Vikernes during his time in prison.
Several poser rights groups have come out in opposition to creating a country club that practices discrimination. Arnold Vespesian, Director of Posers For Equality, and 100 of his followers have descended on North Carolina Sunday and began protesting the opening of the club. Vespasian is appalled that in this day and age a country club could be allowed to restrict its members based on their taste in music. “After all, aren’t people supposed to be judged on the content of their character, not the contents of their IPod? This is America!” announced Vespasian to a cheering group of kids in Cradle of Filth shirts outside of a Hot Topic in Charlotte’s Northlake Mall.
In spite of the protests, the course is still on track for a Spring 2013 opening. The course opening is expected to be attended by some of the top names in black metal and golf including Secthdamon, Tiger Woods and Destructhor.
Black Metal God Sheldon Adelson
The Tyranny of Tradition 