Archive for category General Weirdness
Rob Zombie To Open Chain of “More Hunan Than Hunan” Chinese Restaurants
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on February 3, 2014
You can now add restaurateur to the list of the many accomplishments in the career of former White Zombie vocalist and director Rob Zombie. In 2017, Zombie plans on opening ten heavy metal themed eateries in major markets including New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, and Billings, Montana.
These upscale, casual restaurants will be known as “More Hunan Than Hunan” and offer the best in Chinese cooking. A similar venture known as “Say You Love Szechuan” opened 10 years ago by Immortal frontman and gluten-free cellphone creator Abbath recently went bankrupt after human skull fragments were found in a plate of moo shoo pork.
The recent trend of heavy metal themed food items and dining establishments have become highly popular over the last few years. Iron Maiden’s Trooper Beer has generated a major buzz in bars around the world. Danzig Burger, a new chain in the American Southwest, features several types of burgers all marinated in wolf’s blood. Even some Wendy’s are getting into the act by test marketing a Lemmy Burger. The hamburger, which features a liquid grain alcohol center, has gotten rave reviews from critics.
Zombie, known more recently for his reputation for creating violent, gore filled films, is actually an ethical vegetarian and has been since 1982. Because of this, he plans to offer a strict vegetarian menu using an assortment of creatively hidden mock meats. However, one out of every thousand customers will be slaughtered by an angry group of redneck clowns in order to amuse the other patrons.
Mott The Hoople Inducted Into Rock And Roll Hall of Fame For Seventh Time
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on December 17, 2013
English rockers Mott The Hoople headline a star-studded cast of bands that will be inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame in a ceremony to be held in Cleveland on April 10th. Best known for their rock classic “All The Young Dudes” and some other songs, Mott The Hoople are a band that, according to Rolling Stone reporter Ralph Dullard, “changed the landscape of modern music”. They have been so influential that the Hall has decided to induct them again, even though they have performed this same ritual on six previous occasions.
Mott The Hoople are not the only legends to be going into the Hall. Several big time acts including England Dan and John Ford Coley, Right Said Fred, Joey Lawrence, Van McCoy, Spandau Ballet, Quarterflash and The Georgia Satellites round out the list of performers being inducted. Several key figures in the industry will also be enshrined including Mark Jameson, Mick Jagger’s longtime gardener, Stone Billingsley, Keith Moon’s drum tech during the Quadrophenia tour, and Arnold Weisman, the record executive who tricked Miles Davis into signing a lifetime contract that deprived him of most of the royalties from his music.
One name that was not on the list are heavy metal legends Iron Maiden. Their had been a campaign among many metalheads to get the band inducted this time around, but the Hall felt that the band was simply not significant enough to make it. “Look, I know a few people really love Iron Maiden and they are a talented group, but we can’t induct a band based on one well-known song. In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida is fantastic, but really, what else have they done?” said Joel Peresman, President and CEO of the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame Foundation.
In spite of the passion of their fans, Iron Maiden wasn’t even the closest runner-up among the Hall’s voters. They finished well behind .38 Special, Sir Mix-A lot, The Strawberry Alarm Clock, Lou Christie, Dexy’s Midnight Runners and Detroit Tigers pitcher Jack Morris.
The ceremony, which will be attended by some of the best-known arrhythmic, tone deaf, middle-aged hacks in the industry, will be broadcast on HBO about 46 times in April and May.
Tom Araya Hints At Retirement In New Slayer Songs
Posted by birthad1 in General Weirdness, Totally Useless Information on December 14, 2013
LOS ANGELES – Kerry King aired his frustration about the lyrical direction of the next Slayer album in an interview on the Fuse Network today, stating that frontman Tom Araya won’t stop submitting song lyrics about retirement.
“Tom keeps writing all these lyrics that at first seemed weird and dark,” said the famously grumpy guitarist, “but now I’m not really sure what he’s really trying to say.”
“This early one, ‘The Final Sleep’, sounded cool and promising,” he continued, “but then he started handing in stuff that started getting way off-base.”
As King leafed through the stack of material, songs with titles like ‘The Charade is Over’, ‘End of the Line’, ‘How Much is Enough’, and ‘Let Me Rest’, were all visible, and the condition of the pages became visibly more ragged as newer entries were examined. Finally he arrived at the most recent submission, which was simply a cocktail napkin with the word ‘STOP’ written across it in black magic marker.
“What am I supposed to do with this?” asked King as he held up the napkin, “and look at this one – ‘401K’? What the hell? I originally thought it was another serial killer reference, but now I’m not so sure.”
Araya and the late Jeff Hanneman were known for collaborating on some of the band’s most memorable lyrics, and many fans had already voiced concern about Slayer’s direction in the wake of Hanneman’s passing.
When asked about the outcome of the next album, the lead axeman remained confident, stating, “I have written plenty of lyrics for Slayer, so it’s not like I can’t handle this myself. Tom’s welcome to contribute, but he’s going to have to give me something better than songs about driving an RV, fishing, or spending time with family.”
Tom Araya could not be reached for comment, as he was reportedly at home and watching television while stretched out on the couch.
CIA Confirms Jon Bon Jovi Was A Spy For The Soviet Union Until 2012
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on December 10, 2013
In a stunning announcement, several top CIA officials today verified Monday’s New York Times story that claimed that former Bon Jovi singer Jon Bon Jovi was a spy for the KGB from 1983 until 2012. The Soviet Union, as well as the famous heavy metal singer, have denied these charges but several highly placed sources within The Agency have confirmed that Bon Jovi used several of his albums to leak highly classified documents to “The Evil Empire”.
The most shocking charge was that Bon Jovi aided the Soviets in a failed 1986 plot to kidnap former President Ronald Reagan. According to a source within the agency, the song “Wanted Dead or Alive” was actually written in a code that was meant to give secret information as to the whereabouts of Reagan during his trip to Berlin in July of that year.
The verse “I’m a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride”, is actually meant to indicate that Reagan (who the Soviets codenamed “The Cowboy”) would be aboard Air Force One (the “steel horse”). Later in the song, Bon Jovi states “I’ve seen a million faces and I’ve rocked them all”. The letters to this incredibly asinine lyric actually correlate with a 1980s era KGB code that gave the time and date that Reagan would be flying over Spain. At that point, the Soviets were planning to intercept the aircraft using several skydivers who would plummet from a secret Russian space platform, land on top of the plane, board it at gunpoint and hold Reagan hostage until he agreed to give the Soviets control of the entire United States nuclear stockpile. The Soviets eventually cancelled this plan fearing it was too risky.
Bon Jovi’s spy activities did not stop after the Soviet Union’s fake collapse in the late 1980s and early 90s. He helped plant information in the media that helped convince most Americans that the Berlin Wall had fallen and that the Russians had abandoned communism.
It was on his secret visit to Russia in 1997 for a “concert” that he met another Soviet spy equally committed to the fall of the United States. This agent would eventually become one of the most powerful figures in America. His name is Barack Hussein Obama.
While Obama, a former member of the American terrorist group known as the Weather Underground, urged the Soviets to use violence in order to overthrow the government of The Greatest Nation on Earth, it was Bon Jovi who proposed a much more gradual approach. He felt that the America could be slowly destroyed from the inside by electing communist agents into positions of power. These officials, after gaining the trust of the American people, would introduce legislation designed to turn the United States into a communist dictatorship. The cornerstone of this plot was to introduce a sinister program later to be known simply as Obamacare.
Bon Jovi finally dissolved his connection to the KGB in 2012 when he caught the original version of the movie “Red Dawn” on television late one fateful night. He was so deeply moved by the courage of the brave young “Wolverines” who defeated the Russian Army that he decided it was time to come clean. He immediately revealed his crimes and, in exchange for playing a series of fundraisers for the Democratic Party during the 2012 election, was secretly pardoned by his former comrade, President Barack Hussein Obama.
Protests Erupt As Pantera Singer Announces Same-Sex Reunion Tour
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on November 25, 2013
Fourteen activists were arrested yesterday afternoon in Muskogee, Oklahoma during a rally to protest Pantera’s plans for a series of heavy metal same-sex reunion concerts. The protestors were enraged by comments made by singer Phil Anselmo during a press conference last week. The controversial singer announced an eleven state arena tour in which all members of the band on stage would be male (including a yet to be named male guitarist who will fill-in for Dimebag Darrell).
The “Far Beyond Homogeneity Tour” will feature the members of the band in tight tee shirts and jeans dancing provocatively while playing songs like “Domination”, “5 Minutes Alone” and even “Hard Ride” from the oft-forgotten Power Metal album. The tour will be supported by metal legends Sodom.
The announcement sent religious groups into an immediate furor. Anthony Perkins, President of The Family Research Council and star of Alfred Hitchcock’s classic horror film “Psycho”, was particularly appalled by the announcement. “Four men, writhing and squirming on stage in the unholy bonds of a heavy metal performance is not what God intended. It’s perverse. Metal should be between a man and a woman.”
Same-sex metal performances are illegal in 39 of 50 states. A few states like California and Iowa have recently passed ballot initiatives to allow these sorts of gatherings, while other states have grown more restrictive.
Recently, Mississippi outlawed same-sex water fountains while Alabama has gotten rid of same-sex bathrooms. Georgia has gone so far as to decree that men cannot use the same hairbrush or eat from the same buffet at Golden Corral. The Kentucky State Legislature is currently considering a bill that would restrict same-sex consumption of funnel cake.
While some states have adopted radical stances against same-sex metal, others like Nevada have taken a more cautious approach favoring “don’t ask, don’t tell” legislation that does not require bands to disclose the gender of the band’s members. Many politicians within the state, including gubernatorial candidate Ernest Rohm, believe that same-sex metal is fine as long as bands don’t go “waving their gender all over the place.”
In an October interview with Billy Graham’s Witchhunt Magazine, Rohm went so far as to claim he likes some heavy metal, has a few same-sex heavy metal friends and once employed a gardener who loved metal. “Honestly, with all that long hair, you can’t really tell, in most cases at least, the gender of metal musicians. I mean, Bon Jovi was my favorite band in the world until I realized Richie Sambora was a man.”
Emperor Reuniting to Record Twerkcore Versions of Classic Songs
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on November 20, 2013
Emperor in 1994
Emperor Today
It’s the reunion album that every black metal fan has been waiting for since 2001. Emperor was a band that forever changed the landscape of heavy metal music with their raw, earthy production, crushing riffs and high-pitched, guttural caterwauling. Now, they are back to reinvent the genre that they helped to create.
In a press released issued this morning from their mountain chateau outside of Trondheim, the band announced plans to release “Anthemz 2 Dat Welkin at Dusk”. The album, which is expected to come out late next year, will blend demonic black metal with the high energy, repetitious, vapid mainstream hip-hop that so many Americans have grown to love.
The album will feature several re-recordings of earlier classic hits including “I Iz Dat Blak Wizardz” and “Dus Spoke Dem Nightspiritz”. Emperor also plans to cover “Whistle While U Twurk” by the Ying Yang Twins and “Donkey Butt” by 12 Gauge. Guests on the album will include Rick Ross, Silkk The Shocker, Mystikal and Dhavie Vanity from Blood on The Dance Floor.
The album will be produced by hip hop legend Luther Campbell, best known for his work in legendary group 2 Live Crew and winning the Nobel Peace Prize in 1998 for his 90 day hunger strike to protest Myanmar’s imprisonment of political dissident Aung San Suu Kyi. When asked what this new record is going to sound like, Campbell commented “imagine Emperor made a party album in The Dirty South back in 1991. Think goths in bikinis shakin’ that thang.”
Many metalheads are excited about the band taking risks and doing something unique. Heavy metal fans are a tolerant bunch of people extremely supportive of their favorite bands when they take a new approach to their music, as was the case when Morbid Angel released their 2011 smash hit album “Illud Divinum Insanus”.
Still, there are a few Emperor fans that have expressed confusion and disappointment at the new direction of the band. Lead singer ‘Lil Ihsahn was quick to defend the band’s sonic experimentation. “Peeps be like, why you not keepin’ it real? Yung Samoth and me just be like, we just tryin’ to get folks crunk. Get dat party started. Ya know?”
FDA Approves Use Of Arsenic To Treat “Heavy Metal Dependence”
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on November 13, 2013
You’ve probably seen them before. Unshaven, lacking in basic dental hygiene, often having so-called “long hair”, clad in tee-shirts with pictures of murder, cannibalism and other anti-social acts condoned by some the leaders of our secular government. This horde of axe-wielding maniacs and welfare recipients often refer to themselves as heavy metalheads and listen to bands with names like Gorguts, Bestial Walrus and Pungent Stench. Some heavy metalheads listen to as many as seventeen hours worth of this music per day while participating in acts self-mutilation and animal sacrifice. But now, there is hope.
In an attempt to cure these poor, wretched people of their dependence on this vile assault on good taste and middle class sensibility, the FDA today approved the use of arsenic in an attempt to treat what doctors have referred to as “heavy metal dependence”. The term, first coined by Tipper Gore’s personal physician Dr. Sigmund Rascher, has been diagnosed in 3 percent of America’s youth and, if left untreated, can be fatal.
In clinic trials, arsenic, when administered in large doses and coupled with strychnine, a natural herb recently approved by the FDA to fight inefficiency in the workplace, has been nearly 100 percent effective in curing heavy metalheads of their disorder. Mikey Melanoma, bass player from the band Malignant Cataplexy, recently emerged from his coma to talk about the powerful impact this new wonder drug has had on his life. “I used to listen to Obituary, Death, Morbid Angel, Slayer…whatever I could get my hands on. Now, all I really want to hear is soft piano music or the calm, soothing voice of my nurse bringing me apple juice. I’m cured.”
Some concerns have been raised by doctors about the use of arsenic in treating heavy metal dependency. Patients have reported blotching and severe skin rashes right before they slip into eternal slumber. However, applying doctor prescribed topical ointments usually clears this up within 24 hours. In spite of the side effects, the FDA stressed that arsenic is all natural, thus completely safe.
More help may be on the way next year. The FDA is looking into special carbon dioxide masks that can help those averse to swallowing pills. Special behavioral enhancement chambers are even being designed to cure hundreds of heavy metalheads at a time though the use of the carbon monoxide treatment. Also, special behavioral modification chairs are being designed to zap thousands of volts into the brains of the afflicted in order to help them become less of a drain on the millions of taxpayers who support these disease-bearing mongrels.
Varg Vikernes Arrested In France On Suspicion Of Flushing Oranges Down Toilet
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on November 4, 2013
In the early hours of the morning on Saturday, black metal legend and media icon Varg Vikernes was arrested by French police on suspicion of being the mastermind of a devious plot to cause mayhem in France. Vikernes, who was staying at L’Hotel Aisselle in Paris, purchased a bag of oranges and flushed one down the hotel’s toilet “in the name of Odin”. The event, which led to Vikernes’ arrest and incarceration, caused him to be immediately suspended as host of the top rated Norwegian children’s television show “This Little Quisling”.
By flushing the oranges, Varg hoped to destroy the hotel’s plumbing causing untold confusion and panic in the city, eventually leading to the collapse of the French government. In the ensuing chaos, the government would be replaced by a proto-fascist black metal dictatorship. After the first orange was flushed, Vikernes was captured by an alert member of the hotel’s maintenance staff and detained until French police arrived. During a 47-hour interrogation, Vikernes revealed he was planning an orange flushing spree throughout the city of Paris that would “rival the German invasion of France in the 1950’s”.
Vikernes is no stranger to controversy. Back in 1992, he was arrested in Trondheim for feeding seagulls Alka-Seltzer in an attempt to cause them to explode. During a 1993 sleepover, Varg was accused of putting warm water in Mayhem vocalist Attila Csihar’s hand in an attempt to cause him to wet his bed. Charges in both cases were dropped for lack of evidence, but in 1994, Varg was given six months in prison for putting a whoopee cushion on the chair of Trondheim mayor Marvin Wiseth’s chair during a press conference moments before he sat down.
While in prison, Vikernes dreamed up the musical project he’d be best known for, Burzum. Using a diabolical mixture of raw black metal and elevator music, Vikernes’ has inspired a generation of talented, potentially employable young people to pursue careers in creating poorly produced, inaudible music for almost no one. His music, which is both deeply personal and horribly unlistenable (much like the poetry of an alienated, disaffected 6th grader), pays homage to Varg’s two greatest influences, Adolf Hitler and Andrew Lloyd Webber.
The threat of oranges being flushed down the toilet is not only considered a major concern in France. In an effort to protect Americans from dangerous orange flushing related activities, the US government today banned all oranges from domestic and international flights, wiretapped the phones of twelve Carmelite nuns in Arizona suspected of “orange-growing activities” and used drones to attack a village in Pakistan.
“Help!!! Pantera is Making My Son Dumber!”
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on October 16, 2013
Often at Tyranny of Tradition, we receive strange emails from people. From being asked which metal band performs the best on stage animal sacrifice to getting lectured on how we are not a true metal website because we have done an article about The Devil Wears Prada, we thought we had seen everything. However, this is, by far, the best one that has ever graced our inbox.
Dear Mr. Spillett,
I write to you today to seek your help with a problem relating to my youngest son, Todd. I found a few articles from your website “The Tyranny of Tradition” while making a routine search of his computer and noticed that you are both a heavy metal fan and a parent. This may seem like a strange request, but I’m concerned about Todd thought you might be in the position to give us some assistance.
Up until 6 months ago, Todd was a truly talented, wonderful young man. He had a 4.0 grade point average and was in line for a lacrosse scholarship. He was an esteemed 11th grader at the illustrious Chatsworth Academy, the finest, most competitive prep school in Northeast. He was on his way to an Ivy League school and perhaps a successful career with a Park Avenue Law Firm or as the manager of a multi-million dollar hedge fund on Wall Street.
He was being invited to the best parties and making friends with some of the future leaders of this great nation. There were even some hints that he might be accepted to Pi Epsilon Kappa, a secret society for the most elite members of the Chatsworth community. Then, one horrible day, he picked up an album called “Vulgar Display of Power” by a band referred to as “Pantera”.
At first, Todd Sr. and I didn’t think it was that big a deal. After all, both of us have gone through our rebellious phases. Many of my closest friends don’t know this about me, but I went to a Bee Gees concert back in the 70s. In spite of this, I’ve gone on to be the President of our Neighborhood Association in one of the most exclusive gated communities in Connecticut. We just figured he would outgrow this dark and vile music quickly and get back to being the great American we all believe he can be.
Well, we were wrong. Lately, he’s gotten rid of his collared shirts and neatly pressed khakis and been wearing these “Pantera” shirts and jeans out in public. One of the shirts has a picture of a man being punched in the face, another has a picture of a drill going into a human head and one, which I have since thrown in the trash, had an unmentionable profanity in front of the word Hostile.
He’s been hanging out with a new crowd. Many of them are loud, unshaven and look like they haven’t taken a shower in quite a long time. Several of them look like they just robbed a 7-11. He seems less interested in his studies and even refused to go sailing with Todd Sr. in Kennebunkport last Saturday.
Honestly, we have no idea what to do. If this continues, his earning potential will decrease dramatically. He could end up one of those bums on skid row, in jail or even on his way to the electric chair. He’s talked about getting a tattoo that says “RIP Dime” on his back….God knows what that is a code for!!!! We think it might be part of an initiation to some heavy metal, biker gang or possibly part of a ritual from some satanic cult.
As his parent, we are worried that all of this “Pantera” music is simply making him dumber. We have considered locking him in his room on weekends, forcing him to have electro-shock therapy and taking away his music listening privileges until he stops acting like an animal. Todd Sr. even suggested hiring a group of barroom hooligans to slap some sense into him.
From some pictures we found of you online, you appear to be one of the cleaner and less dangerous of the metal thugs. You are able to write in complete sentences and you don’t have rings in your face. Because of the fact that you have children, we thought you might be able to identify with the concern we feel about Todd’s future.
We would love it if you wrote a letter or even talked to Todd (by phone) telling him about how listening to Pantera has destroyed your life and turned you into a degenerate. If we tell him about the dangers of this sort of behavior, he’ll simply ignore us. If one of you people tells him about how this perverted music has ruined your soul and chances for a happy, successful life, we think he might listen. We’ll be glad to pay you for your time.
Thanks,
Trudy Carrington-Smythe
President
Worthington Estates Neighborhood Association
New Canaan, Connecticut
Lil Wayne Opens Up About His Relationship With His Father, Late Metal Church Vocalist David Wayne
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on October 15, 2013
Much of Lil Wayne’s life is an open book. From his early work with The Hot Boyz, to his stunning rise to prominence as the self-proclaimed “Best Rapper Alive”, to his year long incarceration in Rikers Island Prison, to his much publicized feud with famed singing legend Wayne Newton, the public has followed each aspect of Lil Wayne’s soap operatic life with keen interest. However, one area of his life that he has kept hidden from the public is his relationship with his father, former Metal Church and Reverend vocalist David Wayne.
Lil Wayne rarely talks about his most intimate relationships publically, but in a revealing interview to be published in next month’s issue of Rolling Stone, the top selling rapper in music history talks on the record for the first time about being the son of one of the greatest metal vocalists of all time. “Growing up on tour with Metal Church got me ready to become the man I am today. I owe much of my success to having watched my father perform in some of the greatest venues in the world, from Columbus, Ohio to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.”
Lil Wayne even claims that David Wayne inspired his legendary series of albums “Tha Carter 1-4”. When Lil Wayne was a young boy, David introduced him to his all-time favorite movie “New Jack City”. He was known to quote Nino Brown, the reputed crime boss played by Wesley Snipes, on a regular basis. Before he would go out on stage each night, David would look at Lil and repeat the famous line “We’re taking over The Carter” before exploding onto the stage.
After David’s horrible, untimely death in 2005, Lil Wayne went into a severe depression. During that time, his father’s close friend and former Reverend bassist Birdman stepped in as Lil Wayne’s mentor and “spiritual father”. In 2008, Lil Wayne recorded “Like Father, Like Son” as a tribute to the two men who had been most instrumental in his life. On the album, Birdman raps and makes his trademark birdcalls. Many of the songs also feature prominent samples of Metal Church classics like “Beyond The Black”, “Ton of Bricks” and “Watch The Children Pray”. While the album is one of Lil Wayne’s lesser-known releases, he considers it his most personal.
Lil Wayne has sold out the largest arenas in the world, dated some of the most beautiful women on earth, appeared in movies and made millions of dollars. However, his favorite memories revolve around some of the special moments he spent with his father. “I’ll never forget when I was a small child and would wake up with nightmares. He would hold me in his arms and rock me to sleep singing a soft lullaby version of “Battalions”. It’s times like that you never forget.”
The closeness between a father and son is often an important factor in the growth and development of a young person. Its presence can inspire a wellspring of confidence that a person can fall back on their entire lives while its absence can be an obstacle that a person spends their life trying to overcome. The impact of Lil Wayne’s relationship with his father has carried him to great heights, a fact that he testifies to in the liner notes of his groundbreaking album “Tha Carter II” where he dedicates the album to David with the simple inscription “To My Father DW: It Was Youuuuuu…Whoa…Whoa…Ohhhhhh!”
The Tyranny of Tradition 