Keith Spillett
I have a lot of strange debris rattling around my mind that I need to work out in a useful way.
Homepage: https://tyrannyoftradition.wordpress.com
Did Van Halen Cause Ebola? One Parent Thinks So
Posted in General Weirdness, Health Tips for An Early Death on October 9, 2014
David Lee Roth and Eddie Van Halen Along With Two Other Guys
As Americans come to terms with their current bout with media induced Ebola Fever, one parent is taking a stand against what she believes to be the culprit in the spread of this dreaded disease…the heavy metal band Van Halen. Eleanor Iselin, a concerned mother of two from Nacogdoches, Texas, has taken to the Internet and started a campaign to ban Van Halen’s music from radio stations in order to “save the lives of millions people who have been born and are not born or will never be born.”
Last week, Iselin was sitting in her living room listening to a news update when word of the virus hitting the United States came across the airwaves. Moments later, the very same station played “Drop Dead Legs” by Van Halen. The connection was obvious. God had spoken to her and her mission was clear.
According to Iselin, a three-pack-a-day cigarette smoker who was recently diagnosed with emphysema, the connection between Van Halen and Ebola should be clear “even to the sheeple dumb enough to vaccinate their children for mumps”.
After minutes of research, Iselin was able to determine that the first known outbreak of Ebola took place not in Africa, as many people have claimed, but in Panama in the year 1984. She went on to speculate that the album has been extremely popular in places where the virus has hit the hardest.
“What do Texas, Sarah Leon and Libraria have in common? They have thousands of Van Halen fans! Duh!”
A well-placed source in the Van Halen camp confirmed to her that David Lee Roth left the band when he discovered that Ebolized copies of the early Van Halen albums were being distributed. Sammy Hagar, who several websites have speculated created botulism in 1973, was brought in to replace Roth in the hopes of causing agony and suffering for millions of Van Halen fans.
During the years Sammy Hagar was in the band, the virus spread to thousands of new victims, further corroborating Iselin’s argument. Roth was forced to return to the band, in spite of his moral objections, when he lost millions of dollars investing in risky business ventures like the Beefsteak Charlie restaurant chain and The Zubaz Pants Corporation.
Iselin is no stranger to health concerns. Her malnourished children have both recently developed goiters due to iodine deficiencies and rickets from a lack of Vitamin D while her husband Dan was recently was hospitalized after overdosing on hydrocodone prescribed to him in order to deal with the pain associated with his eleventh quadruple bypass surgery.
Yet in spite of the terrible maladies she and her family have suffered through, Eleanor Iselin has soldiered on in her crusade to eradicate what she believes to be the biggest public health threat to Americans today.
One day in the not-so-distant future, with the help of brave people like her, Van Halen Ebola may be a thing of the past.
Ted Nugent: “Blah, Blah…So and So…Black People…Guns!”
Posted in General Weirdness on October 6, 2014
According to former musician and current intellectual representative of about half of the Western establishment Ted Nugent, “it’s not fair. So and so. Something about guns. Black people.”
Nugent, who currently receives 50 million times more news coverage than the millions of people who die of malaria each year, went on to announce, “Obama…snort….gurgle…..blahblahblah! Black people…guns…weapons….freedom…Obama.”
Nugent, who recently received his eleventh lobotomy, became circumspect when asked on his views about gun regulations, “Welfare….food stamps….so and so…guns….guns….more guns…founding fathers…less immigrants…freedom…second Amendement…conspiracy….black people..”
Nugent, who hasn’t ruled out a run at the Presidency in 2017, has been a vocal critic of President Obama. He sees America as “a cesspool of so and so and black people. Guns…laws…freedom…food stamps…my tax dollars…more stuff to rile up people who go to Starbucks more than 3 times a week…Second Amendment…some unintelligible remark…liberals are killing unborn potential gun owners….Obama…FEMA internment camps….”
Nugent Intelligently Discussing His Ideas In An Attempt To Stimulate A Wider, More Nuanced Conversation About The Balance Between The Rights of The Individual and The Power of The State
Nugent, whose new book “So and So, Blah Blah, Food Stamps, and Guns: The Liberal Conspiracy to Take Away Our Rights To Do Anything We Want Whenever We Want To Because Of Obamacare, Food Stamps and The Second Amendment” is expected out in the Fall, claimed that “for me, writing is a way to something or other, so and so, black people, Montana, liberals who want terrorists to murder kittens, unborn babies, God, country, guns, rights, freedom, the Second Amendment and beer…welfare…freedom…AK-47 assault rifles…some veiled threat against the life of the President…Christian God who hates America because of Nancy Pelosi and liberals who drink craft beers…it’s not fair.”
Nugent is expected to be back in the news saying something similar by next week. He plans on saying something similar after that. Liberal groups across the nation plan to be enraged.
Heavy Metal Music Guitarist James Murphy Has The Power To Heal Seals!!!
Posted in General Weirdness on October 1, 2014
Famed metal music guitarist James Murphy has a surprising new gig!!! After years of playing music dedicated to the worship of evil in all its forms, Murphy has become a Seal Healer. He’s currently saving the lives of hundreds of sick seals at Tampa’s famed marine mammal park SeaWorld. Murphy, who is himself a mammal, has been responsible for over 239 spiritual healings since his return from a Tibetan ashram last fall.
Murphy, who is best known for his work in Obituary, Disincarnate, Cancer, Konkhra, Testament, Agent Steel, Aggressor, Artension, Abigail Williams, Death, DAATH, Firewind, Gorguts, Malevolent Creation, Nevermore, Solstice, Vicious Rumors, Captain and Tenille, Cancer, Mitch Ryder and The Detroit Wheels, Count Basie and His Orchestra, The Oakland Raiders, Robocop, George McGovern’s failed 1976 Presidential Campaign, the Russo-Japanese War and Broken Hope, was hired by Seaworld after he gave mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a Hump Back Whale named Shalamar during an August visit to the park.
After Murphy’s heroic moment, SeaWorld discovered that he was a man of uncommon abilities, able to rescue seals from certain death using a bizarre form of chanting and telepathy taught to him by famed monk and Las Vegas crooner Wayne Newton.
“James is a magician. He looks into their sad, wounded eyes and revives the spark of life within them. He is a Level 27 Cleric, a healer, a saver of seals,” said SeaWorld International President and CEO Toro Jublio.
Murphy, who was recently the recipient of this year’s Man of The Year Award from The International Ex-Seal Clubbers For Christ organization, has been quite humble about his accomplishments. “Really, saving seals is quite simple. I’d like to eventually work towards greater accomplishments like teaching advanced calculus to dolphins and instructing tuna fish on how to live happy, fulfilling lives without the need to be in water.”
Murphy plans on taking his Seal Revival show on the road this summer during his tour with the Italian disco-metal band Seventh Seal. The band will conclude each set with Murphy playing an instrumental version of Beethoven’s “Ode To Joy” while bringing a seal back from the dead. During the New York show at Madison Square Garden, he plans on reviving Stumpy, a Harbor Seal that died proudly serving his country during World War II.
Pig Destroyer plans to open for them during the North American leg of the tour.
Kate Middleton Pregnant With Spawn of Satan; Venom Singer “Uncle Cronos” Invited To Baptism
Posted in General Weirdness on September 8, 2014
It looks like the pitchfork doesn’t fall far from the tree!
After weeks of speculation about why Princess Kate has been wearing a tannis root necklace and eating raw chicken, it has been revealed by source close to the Royal Family that she is pregnant with “a child whose birth will summon a new era of wars, plague and pestilence.”
The child, who apparently was conceived by the light of a full moon during a cult ritual rendezvous with a cloven-hooved beast on a vacation on the island of Mustique, will likely take over the British throne when he reaches the age of 16. British tabloids have already begun speculating that once England is controlled by Satan, they will begin to recolonize the world in order to brand The Dark Prince’s barcode on the foreheads of all humans.
Many have speculated that the cloven-hooved beast may have, in fact, been her husband Prince William. However, the British monarchy has recently moved away from the practice of inbreeding, so the possibility of William having hooves is much lower than it would have been a century ago.
When Princess Kate officially got word of her pregnancy, her first phone call was to her Uncle Cronos (Conrad Lant). Since her marriage to William, Kate has shunned her uncle who is best known for his work in the hard rock band Venom. According to sources deep within the satanic underworld, her first words to Cronos were “Looks like our plan worked! HE shall be born! HE shall lead us! In nomine Dei nostri Satanas Luciferi, Uncle Cronos!”
In League With Satan?
The Royal Family has refused to acknowledge her relationship with the controversial metal vocalist up until today. However, Cronos has not only been invited to the baptism, but will even be allowed to dip the child’s head in the “Blood of the Elders” at the end of the service.
The “Black Mass” is tentatively scheduled for June 6th, 2015 at an undisclosed location in the Middle East. It will be attended by several heads of state, a representative of the Illuminati and will be filmed by legendary film director Roman Polanski.
Metalhead Facebook Terrorists Across America Encouraged To Surrender To Police
Posted in General Weirdness on September 5, 2014
The New Face of Terror
America is in crisis. Race riots, wars raging around the world threatening our ability to buy gas for under four dollars a gallon, the tragic deaths of talented comedians…it seems to many as if this great republic is on the brink of collapse. And yet, the greatest threat to our great nation has up, until last week, gone completely unnoticed.
A wave of shocking, horrifying, demented, godless, communistic, bovine, twisted, fascist, macabre, demonic, ghastly, alarming, borderline anti-social heavy metal rock and roll lyrics have been posted throughout what the media is calling “the Internet”. These lyrics are passed secretly from terrorist to terrorist through socialist media websites Facebook, Twitter and Friendster.
Last week, James Evans, a 31-year-old potential terrorist, was arrested for posting lyrics to the Exodus song “Class Dismissed (A Hate Primer)”. Beyond simply posting the lyrics, Evans was accused of conspiring to possibly attempt to post more metal lyrics at a later date. Exodus’ new album “Music We Wrote To Inspire People To Kill Children and Babies” is expected to hit stores in October.
The lyrics, which may be responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people who have yet to die and might actually not be in danger, are only the tip of the iceberg of this titanic problem. Apparently, from coast to coast, children as young as three are posting metal lyrics using words like “murder”, “violence”, “cannibalism”, and “buttering”.
According to the man who had Evans arrested, Greenville, Kentucky Police Chief Arthur Smathers, heavy metal is a “gateway drug to the death of the American way of life.”
Not only does Smathers believe that heavy metal lyrics on the Internet can lead to mass murder and acts of unspeakable cruelty, he believes it can even go so far as to lead America’s youth into the clutches of living an alternative lifestyle.
“Forget about all the violence and bloodshed and death for a second. Are you aware that many male heavy metal fans are, in fact, Homo sapiens? Also, many innocent young women who have been exposed heavy metal have had their lives ruined. Why…I know of several young women who have listened to one Exodus album and immediately moved to wicked places like Greenwich Village in order to become thespians.”
The Department of Homeland Security, the FBI, and state, federal and local police departments have encouraged all Metalhead Facebook Terrorists to turn themselves in at once and have offered limited edition 180 gram vinyl copies of Metallica’s “Ride The Lightning” to the first 10,000 arrested.
In preparation for the mass arrest and quarantine of these miscreants, the United States seized Easter Island from whoever owns it and plans on turning it into a giant island sized “tolerance facility” in order to keep the public safe from potential terrorist acts of terror by these terrorists who use terror to strike terror into the hearts of Americans.
ISIS the Rock Band Mistaken for the Terrorist Group
Posted in General Weirdness on August 22, 2014
The name of the militant Islamic group ISIS is probably one of the most reviled names in the country at the moment, and that is triggering threats and hate email for a defunct post-metal rock band with the same name.
“It blows my mind that people can’t see the difference,” a representative of the band told ABC News. “I know they receive threats constantly via Facebook.”
ISIS, a band originating from Boston, Massachusetts, began playing in 1997, releasing nine albums with titles like “Panopticon” and “In the Absence of Truth.” The group moved to California before officially splitting up in 2010.
Though the band is no longer together, the ex-members are being flooded with threats from individuals who believe them to be associated with the Islamic terrorist group, which recently claimed responsibility for beheading American journalist James Foley. The group has also slaughtered Christians, Yazidis and other Muslims who aren’t members of the Sunni Islamic sect.
“It certainly caught us off guard,” Aaron Harris, the band’s drummer, told ABC News.
“Just like our fans, we’ve been watching the news in disbelief,” Harris added. “We haven’t commented on it because we haven’t been an active band since 2010, even though our music does live on. We maintain our Facebook page to keep people up-to-date on our current musical projects.”
The name of the band’s official Facebook page was changed from “ISIS” to “Isis the band,” potentially as a way to distance themselves.
Even fans are beginning to tone down their public support of ISIS the band, possibly out of fear of being mistaken for a supporter of the terrorist group.
(A big thank you to Sarah Figalora from ABC News for writing this article and saving me the trouble of having to write it myself)
Metallica To Donate 1 Percent Of Profits From Album To Victims of Being Trapped Under Ice
Posted in Excessive Cruelty Towards Strangers on August 18, 2014
Heavy metal is known as a type of music that promotes Satanism, debauchery and ritualistic homicide. For years, bands like Varg Vikernes and Megadeath have celebrated the suffering of millions in order to sell record albums. In a bold step to forever alter the image of heavy metal, Metallica has decided to take a look at the man in the mirror and make a change.
After the band visited a hospital ward in Blaine, Minnesota filled with children who had been trapped under ice, the members of Metallica have decided to give back the best way they know how. With money.
In the last 20 years, nearly one million Americans have been trapped under ice. This can lead to hypothermia and really bad cardiopulmonary stuff. Being trapped under ice is the 179th leading killer in America today, just behind accidentally dropping a toaster in the bathtub and hoof-in-mouth disease. Awareness of this national crisis is critical in order to raise awareness of this national crisis.
According to Metallica spokesman Chuck Ponzi, “It is critical that the public understand that Metallica really cares about people. We wanted to take pictures of them at a leper colony, but that was deemed too dangerous, so instead they decided to help The National Trapped Under Ice Foundation battle against other diseases for the charity dollars of millions of Americans.”
“It’s a win-win situation. People can absolve themselves of the responsibility of having to actually take action to help others all while enjoying a fabulous new album. Also, by bringing awareness to this vital cause Metallica can rehabilitate their reputation as money-grubbing swine and make absurd amounts of money in the process.”
“The guys have been talking a lot lately about wanting to make a difference. The other day when they were at a local Starbucks drinking seven-dollar coffees, it became clear how they could do it. Starbucks gives two percent from every beverage sold to save the rainforests. Why can’t Metallica sell their brand in the same way? Let the public spend money on things they want and let them feel like good people for doing it!”
Several bands have already jumped in with ideas on how to create a better world while hawking useless consumer goods. As of today, two percent of every Immolation tee-shirt sold will go to burn victims while MOD will donate the proceeds from three percent of every hoodie sold to those suffering from AIDS. Even Kiss is getting into the act by donating a full .0000001 percent of sales of Kiss lunchboxes to help fight depression.
Robin Williams Riot In Ferguson Enters Day 5
Posted in Excessive Cruelty Towards Strangers on August 15, 2014
Rioting and looting continues to rage in Ferguson, Missouri as pro-Robin Williams miscreants destroy high quality consumer products in the hopes of avenging “the worst American tragedy since the death of Michael Jackson”.
The riots, triggered by the suicide of the beloved star of “Toys” and “Patch Adams”, looked to be quelled earlier in the week when city officials agreed to play “Jumanji” at a local theater for 24 consecutive hours offering the really bad people who are destroying things free admission. However, the malcontents began to riot again when it was announced that reruns of “Mork and Mindy” would no longer be played on Nick at Night.
According to community organizer and rioter Ralph Parsons, “we considered several non-violent tactics to bring awareness to this crisis. We thought about marching on city hall or even boycotting belts. However, when something of this magnitude takes place, drastic actions are needed.”
The godless heathens, who just break stuff because they are bitter about their inability to succeed in a country where you can do anything you want if you just work hard, have begun a recent spree of burning down Quik Trip (QT) convenience stores. The National Guard has been called in to protect the wonderful array of coffees and fresh baked goods offered at low prices to an adoring public.
Parsons, who was recently laid off and lost his home because of his laziness and poor hygiene, believes that the media’s coverage of the riots has been highly inaccurate.
“I keep turning on the television and hearing all this nonsense about the racial stuff. Sure, police often target African Americans. Sure, African Americans represent a disproportionate number of the people in our prisons. Sure, some unarmed 18 year old was shot by a police officer. But honestly, how does all this stuff compare to the sheer horror our community has experienced by having our hopes and dreams of a sequel to Mrs. Doubtfire dashed in such a cruel way?”
As cries of “It’s time to stop the looting and start shooting a remake of Hook” fill the streets, a terror has begun to grip the people of Missouri, punctuated by the question filling the mind of every American…
“When will it end?”
Incantation to Release “Backwards To Golgotha”; Entire First Album Played in Reverse
Posted in General Weirdness on August 11, 2014
In order to commemorate the 22nd anniversary of Incantation’s seminal metal classic “Onwards To Golgotha”, the band plans to release the album entirely in reverse. This new take on an old classic gives the band an opportunity to capitalize on the recent trend of metal bands milking every remaining cent out of metal’s defiled carcass.
“Live albums, remastered album, rerecording old material…all that stuff has been done to death. Manowar has released albums where they rerecord rerecordings of recordings of old Manowar songs. Mustaine wants to charge the public 15 bucks to hear the bass a bit higher on Rust in Peace. At least we are giving the fans something that sounds relatively new,” said the band’s current bass player on the condition of anonymity.
“Then again, it’s a poorly produced death metal album. Who can really tell the difference if it’s playing backwards or forwards?”
Meanwhile, several bands have also gotten into the sucking blood from a stone business. Metallica plans to rerelease “The Black Album” in the fall with a trained chimpanzee playing drums. Testament is currently in the planning stages of a new version of “The New Order” with Chuck Billy singing after inhaling helium from a balloon. Slayer is in talks to put out “Reign in Blood 2.0”, a recording where all Kerry King’s solos will be replaced by a chainsaw cutting through a series of oak trees.
In an attempt to reclaim their role as genre defining innovators, Incantation plans to follow this remake by moving away from their death metal roots. The band is in the process of creating a musical comedy called “A Funny Thing Happened on The Way To Golgotha” about the crucifixion of Christ. Several of the musical numbers, including one featuring Jesus and a Rockettes style line of people being crucified, have already been completed. Singer and guitarist John McEntee, who bares an uncanny resemblance to Jesus, plans on playing the lead in the show.
“The integration of Stephen Sondheim style songs and showmanship should hopefully put the last nail in the coffin of heavy metal,” said McEntee in a fictional interview conducted at his home last Friday.
“I mean, folks…it’s over. Go home. Metal is in the final death spiral. We are the Roman Empire besieged by hipster Visigoths. In 10 years you’ll be spending a thousand bucks to travel to Wacken to see Attack! Attack! headline. And it’ll still be better than watching Ozzy get wheeled out on stage to screw up War Pigs for the 8 millionth time.”
Utter Chaos: New Heavy Metal Words For 2015
Posted in Pointyheaded Highbrow Stuff on August 8, 2014
Language is an incomplete, ever-evolving method of communication. Few people realize, for example, that in Japanese there is no word for “goreslam”.
There are thousands of situations that there simply are not words for. Rich Hall noticed this in the early 1980’s and addressed it with a brilliant comedic bit called “Sniglets” where he attempted to create words for experiences that had yet to be named.
Heavy metal fans are often faced with events, circumstances and personality types that have yet to be named and, therefore, remain in a strange limbo between the tip of a person’s tongue and reality.
Here are a few terms that should help you identify things you’ve seen but can’t properly express…
Botulizing The Necronomicon-The habit shared by many death metal bands of improperly using medical textbook terminology and mixing it with satanic themes in order to sound both intelligent and sinister
Cairomaniac-A lyricist who writes song lyrics exclusively about Ancient Egypt (ex. See Karl Sanders, also Karl Sanders)
Dialectic Unrealism-The act of arguing that people should pay for albums when they can illegally download them for free
Disciples of the Swatch-People who mix ridiculous 1980’s fashion trends with heavy metal tee shirts (ex. Mixing Flashdance leg warmers, pink neon sunglasses and an Iron Maiden “Killers” tee-shirt)
Eight-Trackers-People who believe that metal albums sound better in a lower quality format
Finntrolling-When someone won’t stop sending you links to novelty metal bands that make them laugh but annoy you
Hellowhining-Complaining about falsetto vocals in power metal songs
Iron Maven-Any person who claims Iron Maiden got worse after Paul Di’Anno left
Lulufying-An album that seems so terrible in concept that you can’t imagine listening to it (ex. Morbid Angel’s follow-up to Illud, in which they plan on mixing death metal with yacht rock, could be the most lulufying record of the year)
Maidenflation-The bizarre phenomena in which a metal record, no matter how weak it is, improves in people’s eyes as it ages
Merzbowing Out-Risking life and limb by running to flip to the next song when the one 52 minute noise song you have comes up on random
National Socialist Anxiety Disorder-Fear that skinheads will stab or strangle you in a mosh pit
Norse Code-References to obscure Scandinavian mythological figures in black metal songs
Oldbangery-Claiming to have seen bands like Venom and Iron Maiden minutes after their careers began in a club with 5 other people
Queenswrong-When a band attempts to create something that sounds similar to Queensryche’s “Operation Mindcrime” and instead make boring, yuppie metal records (see the last 3 Geoff Tate Queensryche albums)
(See also: Righting A Queenswrong-Kicking a singer out of a band because he draws to much attention away from the actual music)
Scamburglary-Shoplifting a Scatterbrain album
Slambologist-Someone who can discuss, in detail, the difference between the first two Suffocation albums
Slamborghini-A beat-up, broken down car that has a series of heavy metal bumper stickers strewn haphazardly on the back
Vikermaniac-A person, who cannot stop mentioning to anyone who will pay the slightest bit of attention, the details of Varg’s murder of Euronymous
The Tyranny of Tradition 