Archive for category General Weirdness
Obama Says Something Funny Then Announces Drone Strikes Against Former Sepultura Members
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on May 29, 2013
The Commander-in-Chief had some explaining to do!
The President arrived at The East Room at an event honoring the remaining CIA members responsible for helping to illegally arm the Contras in the 1980s with (OMG….you are not going to believe this!!!)…lipstick on his collar.
“I don’t want to get in trouble with Michelle, so I’ll have you know that this isn’t lipstick…it’s blood!!!” quipped the President to raucous applause and laughter from the fawning, ever-diligent press corps.
The President also took the moment to announce that he has personally ordered drone strikes on former members of the band Sepultura. Some ex-members of Sepultura, which means “grave” in some weird foreign language, have been linked to a sinister splinter group that goes by the ominous name “The Cavalera Conspiracy”.
The former lead singer, Max Cavalera, was involved in the 1990s with a project referred to only as “Nailbomb”. A nail bomb is an explosive device often built by terrorists out of ordinary household items. It often contains nails (or other sharp, pointy things) and can explode and cause harm to people who are susceptible to injury from flying shrapnel. They are very, very dangerous, particularly when they kill people. These cheaply built weapons, often referred to as IUDs, have caused death and injury to thousands of people, including Americans.
Max and his brother, a shadowy figure who goes by the name “Igor”, are both wanted in connection for their parts in The Cavalera Conspiracy. “The greatest threat to America, besides Michelle if she finds out about the lipstick, are The Cavalera Brothers,” trying to hold back his trademark grin as throngs of reporters collapsed to the floor and began spasmodic seizures of laughter.
Max Possibly Signaling To Other Members Of His Terrorist Cell To Commit Acts Of Violence
The President assured the audience that no current members of Sepultura would be harmed. “The United States government has an avowed policy of only killing people when they are in the way or within a hundred mile vicinity of evil people. As far as we known, in spite of their current status as Brazilians, the people of Sepultura are 100 percent safe,” said the President in a calm, confident, comforting, assuring, Presidential tone.
Predator drones have become the President’s weapon of choice because of their uncanny ability to allow for maximal destruction with minimal impact on public opinion poll numbers. Americans aren’t in the planes, so unless one of the soldiers operating an aircraft from a hangar in Nevada accidentally chokes on a ham sandwich, they harm only bad people. Even if one goes off course and destroys a questionable military target, like a hospital or school, the President could always buy a new dog and mollify the American public until the next atrocity comes along.
Westboro Baptist Church To Protest Funeral of Iron Maiden Guitarist Janick Gers; Gers Claims He’s Not Dead
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on May 27, 2013
The Westboro Baptist Church is at it again. This time, they have planned a massive protest at the funeral of Iron Maiden guitar player Janick Gers. There is only one problem; Gers believes that he is not dead.
“The whole thing is preposterous! My pulse is beating….you want to feel it,” claimed Gers to a roomful of skeptical reporters.
In spite of Gers protestations, the Internet has been filled with articles about his passing into the afterlife. Facebook has registered over 10,000 “RIP Janick” posts in the last several days. The Westboro Baptist Church has already flown 4,000 protestors to Des Moines, Iowa, where Gers’ memorial service is supposed to be held next week. Yet, in the face of overwhelming evidence, Gers will simply not admit that he is dead.
“You have to believe me! I’m alive! ALIVE!!!!!!” howled Gers as he fended off two EMTs who were trying to force him to lie down on a stretcher in order to be transported to the morgue.
The cause of death is yet to be determined and probably will not be until Gers agrees to an autopsy. So far, he has refused to be dissected. “If he’s alive, then let’s have him prove it,” said Des Moines Chief Medical Examiner Claude Perineum, “if we get in there and find out he’s telling the truth, we will immediately stich him back up and send him on his way. Otherwise, he’s just being dishonest and wasting the time and money of the taxpayers.”
While many in the metal world have grieved the supposed passing of Gers, Westboro Baptist Church leader Fred Phelps has been overjoyed. Phelps, who believes that America is being punished for its acceptance of gays and lesbians and its tolerance for high amounts of fluoride in the water supply, has already arrived in Iowa for the funeral. According to Phelps, “the decadent lifestyle and love of Satan preached by these British ne’er-do-wells has eroded the moral fabric of America. Iron Maiden’s singer, Ron Halford, is, in fact, an admitted homosexual!!!”
WBC Pastor Fred Phelps Prepares To Welcome Maiden Fans To Iowa
At a rally last night at The Des Moines Church of Christ The Climate Change Denier, Phelps announced that he had in his possession proof that heavy metal is a Trojan horse being used to turn America into a “breeding ground for the gay way of life”. “In my hand right now is a list of 205 homosexuals in the heavy metal world!” hollered Phelps with his grocery list grasped tightly and held over his head.
Many Iron Maiden fans plan to attend the memorial service whether Gers is dead or not. “Iron Maiden is the greatest band of all-time and, even though no one can figure out why they needed a third guitarist, this is indeed a terrible loss, if it is true, which it might not be,” said devout Maiden listener Kent Tekulve, who plans on walking over 1,000 miles from his home in Flagstaff, Arizona to the service.
Tool Vocalist John Maynard Keynes Leaving Band; Plans To Become A Yorkshire Terrier
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on May 23, 2013
Citing fears of inflation and the dollar’s weakness against foreign currency, Tool vocalist John Maynard Keynes has decided to part ways with his band of nearly 20 years. Keynes, whose work was strongly influenced by Bertrand Russell, King Crimson and the Melvins, has decided to drop out of the music scene for a while and focus on making claymation videos of economist David Ricardo being attacked by swarms of Marxist killer bees.
This is not the first time Tool has had to deal with the loss of a lead singer. In 1958, singer and former beatnik Maynard G. Krebs was forced to leave the band after being arrested for selling nuclear secrets to the Soviets. Krebs, who later went on to star on the television show The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis, is still best known for studying how the body oxidizes carbohydrates. He was 58.
Former Atlanta mayor and person who they named half of an airport after, Maynard Jackson, also briefly sang for the in the band in the 1970s. Jackson, who was the least well-known member of the Jackson 5, also played alto-sax, guitar and zither on the first Tool album Undertow. Jackson, the mercurial, but powerful rightfielder for the New York Yankees, led the team to a title in 1977 after hitting a record three homeruns in one game against the Dodgers. Later to be known as Son of Sam, Jackson was responsible for a series of homicides that rocked the New York metropolitan area later that year.
In spite of losing several singers, the band has still managed to be one of the most popular hard rock acts in the world. They gained a great deal of popularity due to their hit songs Schism and Sober along their outlandish stage performances that feature economist David Ricardo being attacked by Marxist piranhas. They have won over 17 Grammys for their 1987 cover of the Taylor Swift classic “I Knew You Were Trouble” back in 1985.
They became a major part of the American lexicon in 2006 when the members began starring with Wilmer Valderama on the popular children’s television show Handy Manny. Tool drummer and Orioles cleanup hitter Adam Jones, who plays Felipe the Screwdriver on the show, was awarded the Disney Kid’s Choice Award in 2010 for the episode “Felipe Screws The Pooch” where he deals with the accidental dismemberment of a Portuguese Water Dog by Dusty The Handsaw. I’m wearing a Belgian waffle on my forehead.
Exclusive: Ghost Singer Papa Emeritus Identity Revealed To Be Rap Legend Bushwick Bill
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on May 20, 2013
For years, the biggest mystery in heavy metal has been the identity of Ghost vocalist Papa Emeritus. Ghost burst upon the scene in 2010 to rave reviews from metal fans everywhere (including an endorsement from one-time Presidential candidate Sarah Palin). However, up until this point the band has been highly guarded about their identity, never appearing without their trademark corpse paint and hoods in public and forcing interviewers to be blindfolded and driven seven hours to a cave in an undisclosed part of New Mexico to do interviews.
However, our staff of investigative reporters at Tyranny of Tradition have uncovered exclusive documents proving, without a shadow of a doubt, that Ghost’s enigmatic front man is actually former Geto Boys rap sensation Bushwick Bill.
The documents, which were passed to one of our reporters in an underground garage by a high level government official who went by the fictional name “John Holmes”, show tax returns filed by the band for the past two years along with handwriting samples from checks supposedly written by Papa Emeritus that, when analyzed by the CIA, appear to have been signed by Bushwick Bill. Included with these documents was a DNA sample taken off of Papa Emeritus’ fake Pope hat by FBI agents while it was at a dry cleaners in Provo, Utah that is close to matching the DNA of the rapper.
The Jamaican born Bushwick Bill, whose real name is Dr. Wolfgang Von Bushwickin the Barbarian Mother Funky Stay High Dollar Billstir, has had a checkered past that included being shot in the eye by his girlfriend, nearly being deported for a drug arrest, and penning the script to Superbabies: Baby Geniuses II.
He had all but disappeared from the public eye after a short tenure as the backup point guard for the Sacramento Kings during the 2008-09 season. According to a source close to the band, it was about this time that Bill devised his plan to start the band Ghost.
Few people suspected the diminutive 3 foot 8 rapper of being the singer from Ghost because of his strongly held religious beliefs. Bill became a born-again Christian back in 2006. Ghost’s over-the-top satanic imagery and hedonistic lyrics seemed a poor match for the rapper’s monastic lifestyle.
Credible press reports had even surfaced that several other people were Papa Emeritus including actor Jonah Hill, former Knicks Center Patrick Ewing and Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen. However, these reports were fabrications created by the band in order to throw the press off of Bushwick Bill’s trail.
Members of Necrophagist Found Alive in Cleveland; New Record Planned For 2057
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on May 9, 2013
Over the past nine years, one of the great mysteries in heavy metal has been the strange and abrupt disappearance of German tech-death pioneers Necrophagist. In 2004, they released the remarkably complex album “Epitaph” to universal acclaim. Then, at the height of their popularity, they disappeared. There were random, unconfirmed sightings of them at concerts and even a band that claimed to be them who performed several shows in Europe in the late 2000s, but the earth had seemingly swallowed up the real Necrophagist.
This morning, the mystery was solved. After hearing noises that resembled 64th notes, neighbor Charles Espejismo burst into the house next door and freed the band from their nine year captivity in the basement of a house on Euclid Avenue in downtown Cleveland. According to Espejismo, he was walking back from McDonald’s, eating a Filet of Fish sandwich when he heard noises that “resembled some of that crazy stuff that was on Gorod’s last two records.”
Concerned that a technical death metal band could have been kidnapped and held hostage in the basement of his neighbor’s house, he burst through the front door and freed Muhammad Suicmez and the rest of the band members from the dungeon that had been constructed in the basement. Suicmez had been bound, gagged and forced to play arpeggios for weeks on end with no food or water.
This is not the first violent, metal related attack in Cleveland, a city where musicians who employ progressive songwriting techniques are regularly beaten and maimed and hordes of torch-carrying, flesh-eating anti-tech death gangs control the streets at night. The Cryptopsy Cryps made news back in 2008 when they ritualistically devoured the several members of Dutch metal legends Pestilence after a show at the Agora Ballroom. The sole survivor of the attack, Pestilence vocalist Patrick Mameli, recalls that the Crips were eating members of the band and howling about how “irregular time signatures and fusion jazz have no place in metal.” Mameli hid in his guitar case for three days before Cleveland police rescued him.
Now that Necrophagist is free, they are hard at work on a new record. They plan to spend the next five years tuning their instruments in order to ready themselves to begin the long, arduous process of songwriting. After that, they have secured ten years worth of studio time in order to allow Suicmez to work on the solo for the first song. Finally, the band will start recording, a process that should take upwards of 25 years. The band has assured its fans that they will have something out by 2057 or 2132 at the absolute latest.
Hipster Roulette: A Guide To The Survival of The American Way of Life
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on May 7, 2013
Hipsters. Let’s face it. They are everywhere. They bring us our mail. They fix our cars. They babysit our kids. They diagnose our viruses. They run some of our Fortune 500 companies. Some have even labeled Barack Obama “The First Hipster President” (or “Hipster-In-Chief).
These latte chugging, MacBook owning quislings have infiltrated the cracks of modern American life and, like Canadians, are often able to hide in plain sight, undetected by those who wish to keep us safe. In spite of the fact that The Department of Homeland Security has invested over 100 billion dollars in advanced hipster detection systems, to date, not one actual hipster has been detained or even tortured.
The problem of hipster detection is a tricky one. Much of our society has taken on the trappings of hipster culture, so it is now nearly impossible to locate a hipster in a place where they should obviously stand out, like a Travis Tritt concert or a meeting of your local NRA chapter.
The really difficult part is that hipster culture is based on a bizarre phenomenon known as “hipster denial”. A critical component of being a hipster is pretending to be unaware that you are a hipster. In some cases, hipsters can be contaminated with the hipster virus and not even know they are transmitting their hipsterness to those around them. The minute a hipster admits to their hipsterness, the hipster spell is broken and the beast becomes human again. But….how do you fight an enemy that is invisible even to himself???
Luckily, researchers at The Tyranny of Tradition Institute in Zalaegerszeg, Hungary have spent years perfecting a formula that can, once and for all, identify the difference between a hipster and a good American. By simply completing this standard interest inventory, in five minutes you can know if YOU are a hipster. The rules are simple. Add up the point values of each of the following things that apply to you. If your score is over 100, turn yourself in for processing immediately…you are a hipster. If you score below 100, it is safe to continue engaging in normal human practices like the consumption of food or the procreation of the species.
Do you….
Own a pair of “Buddy Holly” glasses? 30 points
Own a pair of skinny jeans? 30 points
Wear a Hawaiian shirt more than once a month? 40 points
Wear headbands when you are not playing basketball or running? 40 points
Have an Instagram account? 20 points
Have a tumblr? 20 points
Use Spotify? 5 points
Wear tee shirts of products you do not use (i.e. Spam)? 20 points
Spend more than 20 dollars on a haircut in an attempt to make your haircut look like it cost less than 20 dollars? 30 points
Wonder if certain things are “hipster or not hipster”? 20 points
Wear tee shirts featuring long lost forgotten cultural icons (i.e. The Smurfs, The Fonz, Balki from Perfect Strangers)? 50 points
Own at least one album by Band of Horses, TV on The Radio or My Morning Jacket? 30 points
Try to figure out what dubstep versions of 80’s TV theme songs would sound like? 35 points
Have a favorite superhero? 20 points
Talk about dinosaurs ironically? 20 points
Hate Hipsters? 100 points (all true hipsters hate hipsters, it’s the only surefire proof of hipsterism)
Wear suspenders with a tee shirt? 20 points
Compare people to Banksy or Chuch Palahniuk? 15 points
Spend more than 15 minutes a day discussing hipsters? 20 points
Spend time making up mathematical formulas about hipsters? 20 points
Have conversations about what it would be like if one cultural icon lived in the environment of another (i.e. “Wouldn’t it be weird if the Transformers were in Citizen Kane”?) 10 points
Refer to your band as being “post-“? 15 points
Think about naming one of your children after a Moby song? 10 points
Secretly admire Bono? 20 points
Catch yourself thinking “I wish I worked in a bike shop”? 10 points
Wear one of those stupid hipster hats? 20 points
What if you suspect someone is a hipster and can’t get them to fill out the survey?
Unfortunately, due to some questionable misinterpretations of the Constitution, you cannot legally hold someone in your basement, tie them up and force him or her to answer questions because you believe they are a hipster. You might have to determine their hipsterness in a span of seconds (this is often referred to by law enforcement officers as a “Hipster Terry Stop”). If you are only given a short window of time to identify one, you can use this simple joke in order to catch them. If they laugh, they are guilty of being a hipster. If they do not, you are safe and can take your hands off of the accused hipster’s throat.
You: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Potential Hipster: I dunno
You: One
This method is only about 89 percent effective, but if you are in a pinch and lives are on the line, it might just be the difference between your whole neighborhood starting to look like a Hello Kitty Store and you being able to incapacitate the hipster, shove him or her in the trunk of your car and dump them in a nearby lake. These are the times that try men’s souls. I know you will choose wisely.
Bat Bites Head Off Ozzy Osbourne At Black Sabbath Concert
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on April 30, 2013
In the most ironic attack in recent memory, a 500-pound bat attacked Black Sabbath vocalist Ozzy Osbourne, severing his head clean off of his body during a show last night in Los Angeles. Black Sabbath, the metal band formerly fronted by metal legend Tony Martin, were performing the song “Headless Cross” when Ozzy was accosted and decapitated by the bat.
The bat, a mutant Eastern Tubenose indigenous to the Three Mile Island region of Pennsylvania, scrawled out the word “REVENGE” in Ozzy’s blood on the stage immediately after the attack. Police quickly apprehended the bat and are holding him in a steel box on 1 million dollars bail at Lompoc Federal Prison. The bat’s attorney Ken “Iron Head” Murphy has said that the bat will not make any comments until his 5 PM press conference tomorrow afternoon. However, a police officer who interrogated the bat claims that he bit off Ozzy’s head accidentally, thinking it was made of plastic.
Miraculously, in spite of no longer having a head, Ozzy is in excellent condition. He was unable to finish the concert, but has said he will solider on and not miss any other show dates. He was even seen playing touch football in the hospital courtyard with members of the band One Direction and former Falcon Crest Star Lorenzo Lamas.
“I can’t said miss eleven quarter horse the whole enchilada, you know. On stage is where I glumfer and would never become a gorilla, at least not on purpose,” slurred Ozzy through a hole in his neck to a crowd of reporters outside of his hospital room.
Rumors have begun to swirl about a potential connection between the bat and Al-Qaeda. Supposedly, the bat had contacted other bats in a local cave about starting a “bat jihad” against infidels and vampire novelists who have been creating and enforcing negative stereotypes their species.
The bat was carrying a journal at the time of his arrest that listed plans to carry out several attacks against high profile celebrities including Stephanie Meyer, author of the Twilight books, former Batman star Adam West and musician Meatloaf, who is best known for his bat-sploitation album “Bat Out of Hell”.
Meanwhile in Washington, several conservative talk radio hosts and Republican Congressmen have criticized President Obama for not referring to the bat beheading as a terrorist attack and immediately invading Transylvania. Obama’s response has instead been a more measured approach, authorizing Predator drone strikes on caves and belfries that harbor bats that might or might not be linked to terrorism.
Danzig Escapes From The Atlanta Zoo
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on April 19, 2013
This Never Gets Old
If you are anywhere near a television, a radio, the internet, your phone, your Blackberry, or a noisy colleague who spent most of the night in a cough medicine induced stupor watching news broadcasts on one of 68,032 news channels, you have probably heard about Danzig’s harrowing escape last night from the Atlanta Zoo. Here’s a quick timeline of how the events transpired…
5:10 PM-Radio station 640 WGST reported that Danzig gnawed through the bars of his cage and ran through a crowd of terrified onlookers on his way to the Dippin’ Dots stand. He knocked the stand over and began to howl in a bluesy voice about how ice cream used to mean something.
5:20 PM-CBS News reported Danzig was surrounded by police. Desperate and frightened, Danzig took a three-foot marmoset hostage at gunpoint.
5:47 PM-ABC News reported that Danzig threw the marmoset at police officers. The marmoset exploded into giant ball of light temporarily blinding the officers and allowing Danzig to escape the park.
6:08 PM-Several witnesses claimed Danzig ripped his shirt off and stole a broken down 1995 charcoal grey Ford Focus with a “Who Is John Galt?” sticker on the bumper.
6:09 PM-CNN reported that the Ford broke down and Danzig was left to escape on foot.
6:16 PM-Witnesses spotted Danzig in a BP station stealing boxes of beef jerky while bellowing the lyrics to “Sistinas”.
6:25 PM-Danzig stated unequivocally that there will be no Misfits reunion.
7:26 PM-Fox News reported that MARTA cameras identified a well-built, naked man fitting Danzig’s description running through the Vine City station. Fox anchor Brit Hume went on to conclude from the footage that it is clear that Danzig is a Muslim terrorist.
7:34 PM-Fox retracted the earlier MARTA story and confirmed that the naked man was former Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue. However, they continued to claim Danzig is affiliated with Al Queda.
7:46 PM-CNN reported a SWAT team has surrounded a Waffle House in Downtown Decatur and that Danzig was eating a plate of hash browns and talking to the waiter about the occult roots of Nazism.
7:58 PM-A SWAT team stormed the Waffle House and arrested the suspect.
8:09 PM-CNN reported that the man in police custody is actually Arnold Horseschaker, a Danzig impersonator who had, hours earlier, played a 5-year-old’s birthday party in Alpharetta.
10:38 PM-AP reported that Danzig was spotted on a Vincent Blackshadow motorcycle riding up I-85 at speeds of up to 120 miles per hour, his hair gently cascading in the wind.
10:43 PM- According to AP, Danzig’s flaming motorcycle leapt over 25 police cars while flipping multiple times through the air. He escaped again, unharmed.
10:56 PM-AP changed its earlier story and claimed only that Danzig was photographed on a motorcycle in 1985.
11:07 PM-Danzig’s apartment on Stewart Avenue in Hapeville was raided. Several highlighted copies of Catcher in The Rye were found along with 45 fishnet shirts.
11:13 PM-According to Fox News, a man fitting Danzig’s description was arrested in Osaka, Japan. The man was carrying a copy of the Koran, 5,000 pounds of plastic explosives and Bill Ayers autobiography. Fox announced it is a “100 percent certainty” that the man arrested is Danzig.
11:17 PM-Fox News announced the capture of Danzig in a bar in Tupelo, Mississippi. He was carrying a small nuclear bomb in a suitcase, reading out loud from a copy of Das Kapital and wearing an Obama for President tee shirt.
11:19 PM-The Drudge Report announced that Danzig is actually a Kenyan national named Hussein Abdul-Jihad.
11:38 PM-Various media outlets reported that Danzig and an unnamed accomplice, Glenn Doe Number Two as he’s referred to, were seen breaking into an exotic pet store in Marietta in order to liberate all the pythons, ferrets and tropical fish. The two quickly left the store with several animals and were chased by police.
11:54 PM-WSB-TV in Atlanta reported that police have shot a suspect fitting Danzig’s description only feet away from the Chattahoochee River. The man, who authorities are referring to as “the guy who probably isn’t Danzig but looks slightly like him”, was attempting to throw a bag of tropical fish into the water.
12:01 AM-CNN reports the man shot by the Chattahoochee River was actually Ron Ziegler, former Press Secretary to President Richard Nixon.
12:05-4:30 AM-Most media outlets, realizing the audience was quickly losing focus, began to speculate on the nuclear capabilities of North Korea and the possibility of the Ebola virus being spread through Wendy’s hamburgers.
4:33AM-CNN reported Danzig was captured only feet away from his cage at the Atlanta Zoo. He had been hiding behind a tree.
Guns N Roses Fans Told To Boil Copies Of “Chinese Democracy” To Avoid Salmonella
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on April 15, 2013
The problems with the Guns and Roses album “Chinese Democracy” never seem to end. First, there were the years of production and exorbitant cost. The album was expected in the late 90s but didn’t come out until 2008 with a whopping price tag of 13 million dollars. Lawsuits, lukewarm reviews and tepid sales followed. Just when it appeared that the seemingly cursed album had finished its run of ignominy, it was hit with its latest calamity, salmonella.
As far back as 2009, Guns and Roses fans had complained of adverse reactions to eating the “Chinese Democracy” CD. However, over the past three months, nearly four thousand people have ended up in emergency rooms with salmonella symptoms from consuming the album.
Salmonella, a meat disease usually found in chicken, can cause fever, abdominal cramping and sudden clucking sounds to emanate from the mouths from those who are affected. In some cases, victims of salmonella can begin to grow feathers and lay eggs.
Some of Guns and Roses biggest fans have been severely afflicted by the album. “I’ve been listening to Guns and Roses since the 4th grade,” said Janet Watkins from her sick bed at Mt. Sinai Hospital in Dumfries, Maryland. “I loved Use Your Illusion 1 and 2 so much that I ate them 20 minutes after I bought the albums and felt great. I ate a vinyl copy of Appetite for Destruction as well as four tapes in one sitting without any problems. Chinese Democracy has nearly killed me.”
For Mark Watkins, of Flagstaff, Arizona, Chinese Democracy has been a nightmare. “I couldn’t wait for the album to come out. I ate my copy moments after I first listened to it and felt fine. By the next morning, I had grown a beak.”
Watkins was forced to leave his job at Chik-Fila because the owner thought that it would disgust customers who didn’t want to think about actual chickens while eating their chicken sandwiches. He has been unemployed for the past 5 years, searching desperately for an employer that will overlook his disability. “Looking for a job in this market is hard enough without having to explain to a potential employer why you have wings and feel the urge to make loud crowing noises at sunrise.”
Geffen Records, the band’s record label, has stated that while there have been some problems with digesting the album, most people who have eaten it have been fine. Axl Rose has supposedly consumed over 500 copies of the album alone and has had no adverse effects. However, the label has encouraged people who own the album to boil it in water for twenty minutes before eating it just to be on the safe side.
A Hypothetical Review of Black Sabbath ‘13’
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on April 12, 2013
I was one of 60 lucky people who were able to hear the new Black Sabbath album ‘13’ on Wednesday at its premiere in Hollywood. Ozzy and I have been close since we served together in the Korean War and I often get invited to these big Black Sabbath events. I don’t like to make a big deal about it, but I took a bullet for him as the two of us charged up San Juan Hill. Back then, he liked everyone to call him Sparky.
I introduced him to Tony Iommi at a VFW function in the ‘70s. His father and mine were traveling pudding salesman in Yorkshire. Pudding was a huge industry in those days. Tony and I both had part time jobs at the pudding mill up the road from our high school. When the mill closed, Tony considered moving to Pittsburgh and becoming a professional buffalo hunter. I knew he was a good guitar player and Ozzy used to sing really well in the shower in our bunker, so I put the two together. The rest is history.
The event, which took place at the Herve Villachaize Theatre, was attended by some of the top names in journalism. I was lucky enough to be standing in line directly behind former CBS news anchor Walter Cronkite. Old Uncle Walter was sipping off a mug of paint thinner and orange juice and raving on and on about how it was Bill Ward’s fault that we abandoned the Gold Standard all those years ago. Pretty soon, he had gotten completely out of control and was escorted out by security, but not before he had invited me to an afterparty down in Crenshaw at MC Ren’s house.
We were escorted through a long tunnel into the basement of the building. There we were all strip searched by former Sabbath singer Tony Martin and forced to bathe in ox blood in order to make sure we had no audio equipment and were free of what he called “impurities”. It was all quite weird.
Finally we reached a cavernous room filled with medieval torture equipment and a buffet table featuring all sorts of Black Sabbath themed appetizers. I avoided the Rat Salad. Ozzy was in the midst of an in depth conversation with several reporters about which brands of freezer bags are best to preserve the ear wax of small children when I caught his attention. We talked for a minute or two, then he got that far away look he gets that makes him look like he is receiving signals from the planet Melmac. I knew my time with him was up.
I wandered around for another 15 minutes trying to find Tony, but when I finally caught up with him he was locked in a heated debate with former Happy Days star Tom Bosley over whether aerosol cans were actually a technology created by aliens. Tom was getting pretty heated and said some stuff about the breeding practices of the British royalty and Tony stormed off after threatening to have Tom’s legs broken by a gang of soccer hooligans.
After sitting through some opening comments from Ozzy’s son Jack about the importance of proper dental hygiene and watching Geezer Butler pass out face first into a bowl of tomato bisque, they played the album. The whole thing was terribly awkward. A group of strangers shuffling around in their seats watching other people listening to music. Everyone casting nervous glances at Ozzy, hoping they wouldn’t chuckle when he turned some simple lyric into an incoherent noise that could only be deciphered by a team of top-flight linguists or a pack of geese.
The whole experience took a turn for the worse quickly. The album started off with the pseudo-ironically titled “End of The Beginning”. A catchy song that seems slightly longer than director’s cut of Apocalypse Now. The guy next to me began to doze off and was audibly snoring through the last 12 minutes of the song. Ozzy start walking over with his mouth gaping open, pointing at the guy and looking ominously like Donald Sutherland at the end of the 70’s “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”. A security guard instantly grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and jerked him out of his seat. Two other guards pulled him to the back, beating him on the head with a truncheon as they walked.
Next thing I know, the second song lurched forward muffled by wild howling and jeering from the press as the wheezing miscreant was dragged out of the room for some sort of 14th century torture at the hands of Ozzy’s goons. The song was embarrassingly titled “God Is Dead?” and, unfortunately, is not a Carnivore cover. And then came the next song. And the next. And on and on.
It sounds like a Black Sabbath album. What else was it going to be? It’s not like they were going to shift gears in their late seventies and start sounding like England Dan and John Ford Coley. Everything sounds vaguely like Children of The Grave. Tony tunes down to Q flat minor for most of the record and Ozzy’s voice floats its way through hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of production equipment in order to sound like he’s in tune. It’s all assembly line stuff at this point.
The thing about the record that is unique and somewhat horrifying are the lyrics. I was astonished to see a bizarre homage to MC Hammer’s gangsta phase in the song “Age of Reason”. “Pumps and A Bump, I liiiiiiiii-ke the gi-rrrrrrrrls with the Pumps and A Bump” bellowed Ozzy in a hideously uneven chorus that would shame even the most ardent of Sabbath fans. Then, there was the whole part where Ozzy starts mumbling about the dangers of poison sumac in “Damaged Soul”. I can’t begin to explain what he’s talking about there. The albums high point, oddly enough, is the uncredited cameo rap verse that OJ Da Juiceman lays down about halfway through the album’s final track “Dear Father”.
The record ended and a chorus of applause cascaded through the hall. The band said a few things and the press, several members of whom were greedily jamming the remaining trays of bat-shaped chicken fingers into their Sabbath ‘13’ tote-bags, anxiously filed out trying to get home in time for the night’s airing of American Idol. In what felt like seconds the room was empty of everyone but Tony, who sat alone in the corner with his guitar playing notes to no one in particular.
The Tyranny of Tradition 