Keith Spillett
I have a lot of strange debris rattling around my mind that I need to work out in a useful way.
Homepage: https://tyrannyoftradition.wordpress.com
Dissecting CARCASS’ Heartwork-Seventh Incision….Arbeit Macht Fleisch
Posted in Notes on Carcass Heartwork on March 1, 2012
This is the seventh in a series of articles analyzing the lyrics from the 1993 Carcass album “Heartwork”.
Prognathous gears grind
So diligent and serrated they mesh
Toothed cogs churn
So trenchant, against soft flesh
Worked to the bone
Up to the hilt, depredated
Raw materialism
To stoke the furnaces
Toiling, rotting
Life slowly slips away
Consumed, inhumed
In this mechanized corruption line
By mincing machinery industrialized – pulped and pulverized
Enslaved to the grind
Blood, sweat, toil, tears
Arbeit macht frei/fleisch
Grave to the grind
Inimitable gears twist
To churn a living grave
Stainless cogs shredding
Scathing pistons bludgeon and flail
Stripping to the bone
Retund mandrels levigate
Just raw material
Your pound of flesh for the suzerain
Toiling, rotting
Life slowly dissipates
Consumed, inhumed
In a corruption line, mechanized
By mincing machinery, industrialized – crunched and brutalized
A grave to the blind
“I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.”
-Winston Churchill
The ghoulish, omnipresent nature of the Protestant work ethic is everywhere you look in these last days of our dying empire. It’s offered as the panacea for all that ails the American spirit. After all, those who worked hard built this great land. If we simply do more, exert ourselves we can attain our dreams. That house with a trampoline in the backyard and the smiling kids and the really big television can all be yours. We go to our jobs, acting out our lives, pacing, stammering about how we’ve been here since 6 AM, afraid to appear to be idle even for a moment, repeating our actions over and over with terminal efficiency. All the while we run headlong towards our own demise, with only the better mousetrap we’ve built as proof of our worth. If one takes a step back from the banality of modern life they might quite honestly want to ask the question, “Is all this effort worth it?”
This question is at the core of the Carcass song Arbeit Macht Fleisch. The title is a play on words based on the expression was emblazoned above the gates of Nazi concentration camps like Auschwitz. The original expression, Arbeit Macht Frei, translates to “work will make you free”. While I strongly doubt Carcass was looking to compare the Holocaust to life in the modern world, I believe the deeper idea is that work is often mindless drudgery that can, over time, deprive someone of the experience of being human. It is a series of meaningless, mechanistic actions that create nothing more than the need for more meaningless, mechanistic actions. Most people are familiar with the rags to riches Horatio Alger stories so deeply engrained in the myth of America. A person who works hard will eventually attain the American Dream or so the story goes. In this song, Carcass proposes another horrific possibility. They offer the idea that work will not make someone free, but it will make one’s flesh (fleisch) a part of a great senseless pageant. Certainly, all work is not pointless as all jobs are not mindlessly dull, but it is fair to say many careers are built on the endless drive to create things that are simply not needed based on illusions that, held up to the light, hardly seem worthy of a lifetime of stress and strain.
If this idea has a measure of truth to it and those experiencing it recognize this, what makes them move forward and continue to show up day after dreary day? One possibility is the sheer power of the mythology that surrounds work. In America, work has taken on nearly chimerical significance. It is often assumed that those who are the most successful are those who have worked the hardest. The perception of someone’s work ethic has become, on some level, the measure of a man or woman. Those who possess the least resources are perceived to be lazy and apathetic. Those on top of the ladder seem to be entitled to whatever they own because of their Herculean fits of labor. Sure, there are your occasional lottery winners or millionaire heiresses, but the system itself is basically fair. When a persons worth becomes defined by a characteristic they are motivated to push harder. After all, no one wants to end up like “those people”, the ones who give no effort and are rewarded with lives of poverty and destitution. They are the ones who deserve blame and scorn. They are the ones who have failed the American Dream; it certainly has not failed them.
Being able to buy into this myth, and it most certainly is a myth, comes with a cost. The cost is paid in hours, minutes and seconds. We are given so little time to be alive, a pittance in the larger flow of endless time. So much of this time is spent chasing a fantasy, not just the delusion of material paradise on earth, but also the promise of worthiness that indeterminate spasms of labor supposedly grant. However, we can never prove ourselves in this arena because the finish line keeps moving forward. Just out of our grasp. So close we nearly taste it, but never close enough to touch.
I doubt that Carcass intended this song to be a complete renunciation of the importance of work. They are talented musicians who must have spent untold hours honing their craft to the point where they could create a masterwork the likes of “Heartwork”. However, the elevation of work to the central position in the lives of people and its use as a defining characteristic in the worth of the individual is a driving factor in our sustained race to nowhere. Our value should not be based on what we create or do for a living, but rather for the very fact that we exist. Each life, regardless of what it is used for, is a life worthy of respect, adoration and esteem. It is this outlook that offers us access to compassion and empathy for those of us traveling together through the formidable struggles, terrible humiliations and unyielding indignities that comprise life in our world.
7 out of 10 Republican Voters Believe Mustaine Endorsement of Santorum Is “The Most Important Factor” In Presidential Race
Posted in General Weirdness on February 28, 2012
In a recent Rasmussen poll of Republican voters, over 70 percent cited Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine’s endorsement of Rick Santorum as being the critical factor in their choice of candidates. Mustaine’s endorsement ranked ahead of the economy, international terrorism, the myth of global warming, contraception, electability, a woman’s right to vote, the return of the messiah and abortion as being the most important factor in who they will choose to represent the Republican Party in November. In spite of Santorum’s recent flood of absurd, borderline insane comments and Mustaine’s later remark that he had not, in fact, endorsed Santorum, the Megadeth connection has the former Pennsylvania Senator leading in the polls by as many as four percentage points.
Mustaine’s role as Republican king maker started back in 2004 when he announced his intention to vote for George W. Bush. Bush was victorious. Since then, many Americans have turned to Megadeth albums to help explain many of the difficult problems that face the nation. Mustaine, whose recent record Endgame railed against wireless tracking chips being put in people’s heads and Americans being forced into FEMA concentration camps, has become the snarling voice of the moderate wing of the Republican Party.
At a town hall meeting in Michigan, people were still abuzz with the news of Mustaine’s “endorsement”. “I feel like Mustaine and I have a lot in common,” said 83-year-old Jane Summerville of Ypsilanti, “We both support a candidate who doesn’t follow the instructions of the New Ways Evil Book of Rules. And that man is Rick Santorum.”
Agnes Murphy, 63, of Auburn Hills was even more impressed. “I have been unhappy with many of the Republican candidates this year. It’s like I told my husband, ‘If there’s a new way, I’ll be the first in line. But it better work this time!’ Santorum has some radically new ideas. I don’t care what the liberals say; it’s still we the people. Right?” announced Murphy while pacing, foaming at the mouth and waving her arms wildly.
According to James Sullivan, Santorum’s campaign manager in Detroit, Mustaine’s endorsement gives them an excellent chance to vanquish Obama, their hated foe. “Obama is like the Pied Piper, leading rats through the streets. And Americans are dancing like marionettes,” howled Sullivan at a room full of shrieking, Megadeth tee shirt wearing Republicans.
Mustaine’s foray into politics may be the most successful attempt for a metal artist to influence a major election, but it certainly isn’t the first. Quorthon, of Bathory fame, actually spent much of 1984 away from music helping to run Ronald Reagan’s Presidential campaign in Utah. Back in 1956, Slayer vocalist Tom Araya made history by supporting Adalai Stevenson in his battle against Republican incumbent Dwight Eisenhower. And who could forget when Tom Angelripper of Sodom threw his weight behind Rutherford B. Hayes in his election campaign against Samuel Tilden in 1876.
Study Finds Listening To Djent Is Potentially Life-Threatening
Posted in Health Tips for An Early Death on February 27, 2012
Max Martin, Djent Sufferer, After Listening To The New Periphery EP
The New England Journal of Otolaryngology, the foremost magazine on ear related issues, released a study on Friday claiming that djent music can lead to several health issues including dizziness, vomiting and the odd compulsion to have more than 20 strings on a guitar. The study was commissioned last year after 52 people were hospitalized after collapsing at a Meshuggah concert in Silver Springs, Maryland. Several of the injured were also diagnosed with logherria, a condition marked by incoherent babbling, as well as Fripp’s Disorder, a rare disease that renders people unable to enjoy music unless it is in rare, obscure time signatures. The journal went on to call djent “the greatest threat to the health of the human ear drum” and went as far as to call for the arrest and caning of Meshuggah frontman Fredrik Thordendal.
While this is the first major study on the physiological effects of djent, several metalhead scientists have been talking about its dangerous effects as far back as 2002. Survivors of Djent (SOD), a group started for people suffering from djent related symptoms, started as a support group back in 2005. It currently has over 30,000 members and offers help to people on 12 continents.
The horror stories that each member has are truly sobering. Bob, a djent survivor from Manhasset, Long Island, remembers the terror that he felt when he found himself at the local music store trying to buy a 78 string bass. “I barely knew how to play bass but I kept adding strings. It’s as if I thought that people would see all those strings and think ‘Hey Bob’s a really talented musician’ or ‘Hey Bob has all those strings, it doesn’t really matter that he has leprosy and horrible breath, let’s be his friend’”
Other victims have stories about strange symptoms caused by exposure to djent. “For some strange reason, I became obsessed with onomatopoeia,” said James, a djent survivor from Des Moines, Iowa, “I stopped using real words and started calling everything by the sound it made. A gun became ‘click click boom’, my washing machine became ‘junga junga junga’, my car was ‘vrooooooooom screech’ and my daughter was ‘thump thump thump’. I lost my job, my wife left me and I got kicked out of the Van Halen cover band my friends had formed. Djent ruined my life.”
Djent Victim Attempts To Play A 238 String Guitar
Another common trait among victims is the inability to stop using technical music terms around people who have no idea what they are talking about. They often struggle to fit this type of talk into their everyday lives with terrible results. “I told the kids ‘You sound like a damned palm-muted two-octave power chord for Godsakes!’ They all just looked at me like my voice was modulating at 1.6 kilohertz or something,” pronounced Melinda, a frustrated kindergarten teacher from Duluth, Minnesota.
Many doctors believe the recent flood of anti-djent information will help bring America closer to a djent-free future. Arizona is already discussing a bill to not allow djent to be played in public on Sundays. In Alabama, where marriage among djent listeners has already been outlawed, a bill is being considered banning the children of djent fans from joining civic organizations like the Boy Scouts. Several Texas congressmen have even proposed the death penalty for any musician who creates a song that uses the time signature 15/4 or 9/8. If this study finds a wider audience, it may lead to the end of djent as we know it.
Obama Proposes Form Without Content; Buffalos Without Wings; Utter Hopelessness
Posted in Existential Rambings on February 24, 2012
(Washington)-In stunning pessimism, America forward never back truth without honesty is the medium of true messiness. Socialist polarized mobs running outward not outwitting death. Free to choose everything except what matters, no matter what the rules are. Debt beyond parents life as rebellious war against nothingness consuming reduced to pattern. Things explained are things forgotten against the backdrop of inhaled ignorance. “Wandering, wondering as their lives slowly slip through their greedy little fingers,” accordion to White House Repeater of Cliches Jay Carney.
They are as much a part of this disaster as we are. Stand up for the privilage of not sitting down. Anxiety as a rational response to unconscionable conditions. As it repeats over and over and we confuse action for motion and motion for freedom. And freedom for immortality. And immortality for meaning. And meaning for action. In a recent Gallup poll nearly two-thirds of buffalos have no wings and nearly one hundred percent of Americans are doomed to the terms of mortality. No matter what they’d like you to believe. Accordion to So and So Jones, person on the street and representative of the Zeitgeist, “I don’t even know what’s real anymore as I look into a world where I am bombarded with the constant flow of answers to questions that I wouldn’t have even bothered to ask. Drowning in a river of useless actions. Amused to death by the 24 hour 7 day a week carnival of unmeaning. Sweat my only solace.”
Now, here’s the paragraph about possible solutions and potential mystery. So and So who wants you to like him or her and maybe even vote that way proposes solutions that either serve the purpose of taking our eyes off the existential ball or promising something they hope we forget about in twenty minutes (which we probably will because crisis is a great substitution for crisis). So and So complains about something hoping to give us hope, or comfort, or something new to hate, or something to talk about with the other doomed fools that we are chained to, or something to buy, or something to bury. We all rally around because a recent Gallup Poll has stated, in no uncertain terms, that 51 percent of us share the same delusion.
You should write a letter to your Congressman. Because they will listen. Because they care. Because you have a solution no one else has thought of. Because democracy guarantees us the right to go on and on about absolutely nothing and replace one empty vessel with another every four years. Write that letter. Seriously. Do it. That will make everything all better. That’ll solve the issue of the sheer absurdity of the world. That’ll take the sting out of that nagging death problem that everyone seems to be conveniently not mentioning. That’ll make lions into lambs and lambs into citizens. And citizens into vampires. The world is probably in the shape that it’s in because you haven’t written that letter yet. When you do, all of your troubles will go away. You’ll see. Write the letter. Save us all.
In conclusion, eventually everything you do, every action you take will be forgotten. Everyone around you will be gone. Take comfort in the fact that you are nothing, or at least, that’s how you’ll be remembered. Besides, in a recent Fox News poll a full 105 percent of people surveyed think it’s someone else’s fault. “The solution is complete ignorance,” accordion to President Barack Obama, “that or an endless cycle of misery and fear, depression and alienation. Or government spending. Or complaining about government spending. Or endless blame. Or endless blamelessness. It’s up to you. After all, isn’t this what democracy is all about?”
Iron Maiden Plans “The Least of The Beast” 2013 Tour; Will Play All Songs People Hate
Posted in General Weirdness on February 22, 2012
The greatest band in the known universe is about to reinvent the idea of a tour. After Iron Maiden concludes their highly awaited “Maiden England 2012 Tour” they plan to go back out on the road and play the worst songs from their nearly 35 year catalogue. According to singer Bruce Dickinson, “Iron Maiden has always been on the cutting edge of heavy metal. What is more cutting edge then making people pay 85 dollars to see a bunch of songs that they can’t stand?!?”
Maiden plans to dust off some of the most cringe inducing songs from their catalog including Weekend Warrior, Holy Smoke, Chains of Misery, 2 AM, The Apparition and Blood On The World’s Hands. They plan to open with Hooks in You, a song so bad that it has been linked to the self-immolation of 12 monks over the past 5 years. In the hopes to incite the audience into riot-like fits of rage they plan on playing Sheriff of Huddersfield, Roll Over Vic Vella and Nodding Donkey Blues, three b-sides they have never bothered to play live before. They plan on closing the set with Bring Your Daughter…To The Slaughter, the song that won them the Razzie for Worst Song from a Movie in 1989 (from A Nightmare on Elm Street: Part 5).
In keeping with their more “progressive” recent style of song writing, they plan to keep every song to a minimum of eight minutes long. Instead of adding intricate soloing or creating a novel new arrangement, they will simply repeat the same chorus over and over for five additional minutes per song. If the audience has not ingested full vats of cyanide laced Kool-Aid by the middle of the show, the 19-minute version of The Angel and The Gambler should push them over the edge.
What could possibly top that setlist? How about an encore where they play the entire new Final Frontier album. Twice. Along with a 12-minute Bruce Dickinson monologue about the joys of flying backed by Janick Gers playing harmonica. It should be a night few will soon forget.
The band plans on releasing a Least of The Beast album featuring their worst songs in tandem with the tour. They also will be releasing six new DVDs in the next year, including Bus 666 disc detailing the bands trip through Central Florida on a Greyhound Bus back in 1981 and Meal 666, where the audience can have the rare treat of watching Bruce Dickinson eat a steak dinner. Nap 666, featuring Dave Murray sleeping for two hours, is scheduled for release in 2014.
(Thanks to Brutal Brad, Metal Matt, Jive Time Jimmy Camiby, Nansen Von Deathmetal and Corporal Punishment in the Tyranny of Tradition Research Department for your help breaking this important story)
Danzig Gives Birth To Identical Twin Girls
Posted in General Weirdness on February 20, 2012
When rumors first came out a few months back about Glenn Danzig taking a break from touring because of his pregnancy, most people thought it was just a publicity stunt or a very strange joke. However, on Friday at 5:34 AM, after being in labor for 18 hours, Danzig gave birth to two beautiful daughters. The girls, Christina and Sistinas, both weighed nearly seven pounds and were in great health. Danzig, overcome by the beauty of the moment, broke into an soulful, impromptu version of “Mother” as he lay prone on the operating table.
While male pregnancies are not common, thanks to medical technology they are becoming a bit less rare. Danzig, however, needed no help from doctors in order to spontaneously grow a womb and ovaries. He simply willed it.
Danzig, who is planning on creating a master race of Danzig children all sharing his superior DNA, knew that he couldn’t rely on his wives to help create perfect beings. In spite of the fact that he is currently married to 64 women, including actress Meryl Streep, he claimed in a recent interview that he refused to “diminish his essence” by procreating with others.
Danzig is not a stranger to bizarre birth stories. He was, in fact, born in a laboratory in Lodi, New Jersey in 1955. Dr. Helmut Neumann, a German scientist who immigrated to the US after World War 2, created Danzig by mixing the DNA of blues singer Robert Johnson, Russian mystic Rasputin and an Alaskan Grey Wolf. The result was a human who carried a nearly godlike voice, the ability to make women fall in love with him by simply breathing and the power to control the minds of feral animals. Some Danzig fans have claimed that his sweat is capable of curing lupus if ingested once a week for two consecutive months, but this has yet to be independently verified by scientists.
In spite of the fact that they are only three days old, the Danzig girls have already not only exhibited the ability to talk, they have already learned how to deny the possibility of a full Misfits reunion. The twins have received a great deal of attention around the nursury for their famous father and their matching devilock hairstyles. MTV has already approached the babies about doing their own reality television show called “The Danzig Sisters” which should be on television starting in the fall.
The Danzig Girls Moments After They Were Born
Day of The Expanding Man
Posted in General Weirdness on February 16, 2012
The Future Meets The Past
Over the past hundred years, human beings have grown dramatically in both height and weight. Many of our greatest Americans, including George Washington and Thomas Jefferson, stood less than 2 feet tall. Some scientists believe that our recent growth spurt is because of hormones and steroids in our milk, while others believe that better nutrition and health care have been the major factors, but it is an incontrovertible fact that humans are becoming enormous.
The average American male today stands 5 foot 10 and weighs 190 pounds, while his female counterpart is around 5 foot 4 164 pounds. If you look at the numbers in 1900, it may surprise you. Did you know just over 100 years ago the average male was a mere 3 foot 8 and 90 pounds? Women were even more diminutive, standing a shade under 3 foot 3 and weighing 64 pounds. This amazing statistic grows frightening when graphed on a curve. By the year 2025, it’s expected that most American men and women will be larger than 8 feet and over 500 pounds.
A larger sized American will mean the need for more food consumption. Several solutions have been proposed, but the most commonly accepted possibility, proposed at the UN only last month, is the eating of all natural born German citizens. Germans are high in protein and contain the most calories per human of any possible cannibalistic meal. Not only is a diet high in Germans filling, they are also extremely healthy. Germans contain more Vitamin D than any current race and, as we know, without Vitamin D most humans quickly devolve into bloodthirsty, raging werewolves.
Some doctors are proposing radical solutions for the recent trend in human size. A shrinking procedure, first created by Doctor Julius Sandberg in 1998, has allowed giant people to reduce their height by as much as 5 inches. The procedure, which involves humans beings trapped in large machines similar to dryers and put on spin for over three hours, has produced reliable results. Another more controversial technique, which involves eating the pituitary glands of baby elephants, has gained some popularity in the news but has yet to yield the same results.
These solutions, however, have come at a great cost. Over 40 percent of those who participated in the size experiments have began taking on mime-like qualities, including a pale face, inability to speak and the unnatural urge to pretend they are in an invisible box. Several patients have spontaneously exploded while on airplanes during takeoff. One patient even had her forehead expand rapidly until it was more than 5 feet long and 3 feet wide.
The rapid growth of human beings could cause untold suffering to people as they struggle with the aches and pains of a frame and a world holding well more than it is supposed to. However, the economic benefits that would come from the aggressive augmentation of the human form far outweighs the problems. Doctors, hospitals and insurance providers will make billions as bones snap under the pressure of the added size. The construction industry will be revitalized as buildings are reshaped to house the new race of giants. A whole new economic boom based on the resizing of nearly everything could create a golden age for these gravity-taunted monsters. The future is sure to be very big and very bright.
Satan To Metal Bands: “Stop Writing Songs About Me Already!”
Posted in People Who Were Willing To Speak To Me on February 15, 2012
Satan During Last Friday's Exclusive Tyranny of Tradition Interview
Last Friday, we got a chance to catch up with Satan over at the Starbucks in Alpharetta, Georgia. The Dark Prince and I sat down over Frappuccinos and discussed his life and career. He was remarkably candid with me about the challenges that he has faced as the most powerful force of evil in the known universe. We also discussed the current state of heavy metal. Here are some highlights from our interview….
Tyranny: So, Satan, what are some of your proudest achievements?
Satan: Well, I’m particularly proud of greed. Watching people gets so worked up over the stories they tell themselves about lifeless material is really a joy to watch. I’m also very partial to vanity. It’s the best gateway drug ever invented. If you can get people to believe that there is something remarkable about themselves that they have and others don’t you can get them to do just about anything to protect it. Who needs to fill a church with demons and ghouls when you can simply fill one of the ministers with an over abundance of self-interest? You give me twenty seconds and a mirror and I can do pure magic.
Tyranny: As the devil, you face many challenges. Tell me about a few of them.
Satan: Well, human beings have a remarkable capacity for love. They are often willing to give of themselves when they are clear they will get nothing in return. You see it all the time if you know what you are looking for. You have no idea how frustrating this is for me. Sure, I’ve managed to convince some people that all acts are essentially selfish. I’ve planted the idea of human nature in people so they think they can never be any better than those who came before them. But, some people simply choose to ignore this and try to turn the world into a place of empathy and compassion. Those people make my job a nightmare.
Tyranny: What do you think about the current state of heavy metal?
Satan: Honestly, I’m just tired of people writing songs about me. Stop it already! Please! I mean, when Venom or Bathory were doing it, it was kinda cool. I was flattered. After 30 years and literally thousands of songs about my powers, I’m just tired of it. Slayer fans are the worst. I can’t even go to their concerts anymore because people just scream my name the whole time. You try enjoying the drum solo in Angel of Death with a bunch of bearded lunatics screaming your name over and over. It’s annoying.
Tyranny: Do you think this stems from a general lack of creativity in metal?
Satan: There is plenty of creativity in metal; it’s just that the audience often prefers the comfort of what they already know. Some of the best experiments out there fall on deaf ears. I try to discourage creativity because it can lead to joy and freedom in the minds of humans. It’s one of the things I’ve never been able to beat out of people. To fight it, I have had to come up with some very unique solutions. Case in point, every once in a while I plant a bad creative idea in order to discourage bands from thinking outside of the box. To show them that their ideas could lead them to being humiliated. Then, I encourage legions of angry and sad people to savage them on message boards in order to drive the point home.
Tyranny: Can you give me an example?
Satan: Sure. The Metallica/Lou Reed thing was my idea. That should set creativity further back then The McCarthy Hearings.
Tyranny: If you could leave the reader with one quick idea, what would it be?
Satan: Vote Gingrich!!!!!
Tyranny: Thanks for your time. By the way, thanks for your help promoting the Santorum article!
Satan: No problem! And thank you for your soul.
Metalheads Protest Santorum Visit To Tacoma
Posted in General Weirdness, Uncategorized on February 14, 2012
In a bizarre but effective demonstration, scores of enraged metalheads showed up last night to protest Rick Santorum’s fake anti-metal agenda last night in Tacoma, Washington. The protestors, well aware that Santorum hadn’t made the comments about metal that were first reported on this website, decided that he had said and done enough repugnant stuff in his time on the national stage to deserve their wrath anyway. Santorum, who was speaking only seconds away from the Metalheads and the Occupy Tacoma Protestors, spent most of the night ignoring the protestors and saying essentially meaningless things to the crowd who applauded wildly for no reason in particular.
Photo By Glen Casebeer
Glen Casebeer, writer for The Northwest Music Scene, who was at the rally noted that the evening was “volatile at times”. Protestors, packed together like sardines, spent a good portion of the night arguing with wild-eyed Santorum supporters who were emblazoned by the full moon and scent of human blood. The night featured the predictable glitter bombing of Santorum along with Tacoma’s shock troops getting a chance to use their tasers on a few people who were practicing their First Amendment right to free assembly. All things considered, it was a fine night for the democratic process.
Photo By Glen Casebeer
Varg Vikernes Creates Secret Weather Control Device; Threatens to Destroy World
Posted in General Weirdness on February 13, 2012
After his recent release from prison for the murder of Mayhem frontman Euronymous, Varg Vikernes seemed to be saying all the right things. He was going to retire to a quiet life where he would write music for his band Burzum and work patiently in his garden on his prized daffodils.
He had become a devout reader of Nicholas Sparks novels, particularly “The Notebook” which he called “the most bittersweet, poignant tale of young love he had ever encountered”. He had bought a farm just north of Trondheim where he planned to work with sick goats and even open a petting zoo for young children.
People had thought that the bizarre, horrifying saga of Varg was finally coming to a quiet end. They were wrong.
Last Wednesday, Varg sent a letter to the Sandefjord Daily Examiner, claiming that since his release in March 2009 he has been secretly working on a weather control device that could “rain the fury of the gods upon our world.” The device, which he referred to as Odin’s Hammer, is capable of creating tornadoes and hurricanes, along with other types of obscure and bizarre weather events.
As a show of its strength, on Monday Varg claimed to have caused the freak blizzard that covered Riyadh, Saudi Arabia with 12 inches of snow. He also claimed responsibility for the freak frog storm that interrupted Saturday’s football match between Manchester United and Liverpool. “I’ve shown you I can make frogs fall from the sky,” said Varg in a letter released on Sunday, “you will bow down before me…..YOUR BLACK METAL GOD.”
Interpol has been tracking Varg since the first message made it to the newspapers. Several sources claim that he has slipped out of Norway and hidden in North Korea under the protection of the slightly bloated leader of that nation, Kim Jong Un.
Another source claims that Varg had originally offered to sell the device to Iran for 100 million dollars, but decided against it when he learned that several prominent Iranian clerics preferred more mainstream black metal bands like Dimmu Borgir.
Varg claims he will not use Odin’s Hammer if several demands are immediately met. The list of demands range from the slightly bizarre to the unbelievably ridiculous. First of all, he wants a fleet of 200 World War 2 Sherman Tanks at his disposal at all times. He has asked that Wednesday be renamed Heimdall, in honor of the Norse God whose horn will announce the end of the world. He demanded a worldwide ban on the use of ukuleles.
Finally, he asked for the ruins of the Roman Coliseum to be filled with 500,000 pounds of gluten-free cupcakes. Authorities are confused by Varg’s request and some believe that it is possible that these requests might, in fact, be signs of mental illness.
In America, one of the targets for potential attack named by Varg in his last letter, responses were mixed. Several prominent politicians called for an immediate program creating billions of dollars in subsidies to corporations that create gluten free cupcakes.
However, some politicians, like former Presidential candidate Scott Walker were not impressed with Varg’s threats. “We all know that it is impossible for human actions to affect the weather. That’s just preposterous,” said Walker in Wednesday’s interview on The Sean Hannity Show.
The Tyranny of Tradition 