Metalhead Forced To Remove Artificial Leg With Megadeth Tattoo Before Boarding Flight
Posted by Keith Spillett in The Politics Of Catastrophe on April 1, 2014
The Limb Only Moments Before Takeoff (photo by Matthew Germain)
The greatest threat to Americans today is the looming spectre of terrorist attacks. After all, most people in other countries hate Americans for their freedom and easy access to bread and other such luxury items.
In the wake of 9/11, airport security increased dramatically in the hopes of preventing water bottles and other weapons of possible mass destruction from causing the interruption of commerce and annihilation of innocent human life. That’s why it should come as no surprise to anyone who believes in the values that America stands for that alleged metalhead Mohammad Nidal was detained for 15 hours and eventually forced to surrender his artificial leg at New York’s LaGuardia Airport before he was allowed to board a flight to Akron.
“We’ve seen this sort of thing before,” said TSA officer Ryan Goebbels. “A metalhead takes an artificial limb filled with C-4, brings it on an airplane and boom! Next thing you know airports all over the world close and the airlines and their investors are deprived of millions of dollars of revenue that rightfully belongs to them.”
While most metalheads are harmless neckbeards who spend their time protecting online metal forums from spam and off-thread references, there are a small number of “evildoers” who wish to do genuine harm to others. From not picking up a fallen child in the mosh pit while they are being trampled to death by wild hellions to potentially murdering thousands of innocent shoppers through the use of improvised explosive devices only days before Christmas, these so-called metalheads have been responsible for many of the worst crimes in American history.
The tattoo of Megadeth mascot Vic Rattlehead is also widely known to be a symbol used by metal gangs who have been known to kill innocent Americans for nothing more than whistling a Michael Bolton song in an elevator. Metal cults have popped up through the Southwest where kids as young as eight years old are drugged with meth and forced to worship images of Slayer vocalist Tom Araya, listen to Venom’s first three records backwards and read passages from the Koran. Ritual sacrifice and infant eating are common Saturday night events for these godless heathens. It is estimated that over 1 million people have joined these cults and gangs in the past six months.
Nidal, who was tied to a chair and questioned under bright lights by several FBI agents, revealed that he owned every Slayer album including “Hell Awaits”, which he had on vinyl. He also revealed plans to listen to all of Death Angel’s “Frolic Through The Park” during the flight. Death Angel’s music is so violent that it has inspired several horrific acts including the attempted assassination of then-President and current saint Ronald Reagan by former Raven drummer John Hinkley.
However, in spite of the danger this menace posed to society, Nidal was released after repeated beatings meant to help him overcome his addiction to this decadent and depraved lifestyle. Not only was he allowed to fly but he was provided generously with several in flight amenities like beverage service and a movie (things that he certainly would not have provided his victims with). He was also given back his artificial limb and metal-ridden iPod when he arrived in Akron. We are, after all, the freest country on earth.
The Federal Reserve Set to Expand Quantitative Djenting
Posted by Maximus Frank in The Politics Of Catastrophe on March 31, 2014
The Federal Reserve plans to scale up its Quantitative Djenting program in the second quarter of 2014, Chairwoman Janet Yellen announced at an appearance before the House Financial Services Committee Monday. “We still predict slack in the economy going into the Summer, so we will continue with the program to try and cut it off at the pass,” said Ms. Yellen.
“Quantitative Djenting”, or “QD,” is a subsidiary initiative of the Fed’s controversial Quantitative Easing program. Since the beginning of the financial crisis in 2008, the Fed has been injecting money into the financial bloodstream to purchase things like treasuries, securities, and mortgage-backed securities. Although meant to stimulate job growth and economic recovery, the program has come under intense scrutiny by critics who claim that the program could lead to inflation, while providing cheap money to Wall Street firms.
Included in the program, but buried in a subsection of dense legalese, was a plan for Quantitative Djenting. “QD” is a rather convoluted financial process whereby the central bank bankrolls recording contracts, studio fees, publicity, merchandising, and tour support for the structured investment vehicle known as “Djent.” As the output of these “bands” tends towards “0000” sub-prime Guitar Riff Derivatives, the Fed was able to achieve synergy with the program by lowering interest rates to near-zero.
“QD was really a response to a financially-strapped metal landscape, following the collapse of the Neo-Thrash and New-Nu-Metal bubbles,” claims Trafferson Foster, of the statistical research firm, Foster & Fosterson Global Markets. “The Fed pretty much caved to pressure from Major and independent labels alike to do something in the wake of the crash.”
Although former chairman Ben Bernanke claimed that QD was never intended to expand beyond its initial investments – which included Wall Street-owned companies like Animals as Leaders, Periphery, Tesseract, and Textures – the subsidiary program has expanded each year since its inception. This has led Wall Street analysts to speak affectionately of “QD-infinity,” which speculates that like a Djent Guitar Riff Derivative product, QD has become so enmeshed in the U.S. financial system that it could seemingly go on forever.
Several prominent economists have become particularly concerned with the evolution of the products that Djent companies are selling. Like credit default swaps and collateralized debt obligations, these firms have begun throwing together Guitar Riff Derivatives in baskets, and then selling that packaged basket.
“In practical economic terms, there really isn’t a difference between these Guitar Riff Derivatives and the Collateralized Debt Obligations that brought down the financial system in 2008,” argues Simon Carufsky, president of Fairer Markets, a non-partisan regulatory reform non-profit. “These companies are selling sub-prime 0000 guitar riffs within sub-prime 0000 guitar riffs, within sub-prime 0000 guitar riffs, and then calling that package a AAA-rated security.”
The apportioning of cash to Djent companies works kind of like a bartender pouring a pitcher of beer into five mugs lined up on a bar. The beer in the pitcher is the cash generated from royalty payments that companies like Emmure receive each month, while the mugs represent the different pools of Guitar Riff Derivatives. The bartender fills the highest-rated mug first, then the second highest, and so on down the line until either all five mugs are full or the pitcher runs out of beer. If there are enough defaults on royalty payments, the fifth, fourth, third, or even second mug might go dry – and if writers’ block happens in the studio, even the first mug might not get filled. If the mugs become too dependent on being filled by the pitcher, says Carufsky, then the progression of heavy metal could be brought to a sharp standstill.
“The whole thing is like a financial Inception. It’s absolute insanity, even before you factor in the Fed’s allotment of easy cash to companies like Animals as Leaders.”
Arch Enemy Endorses Silkpro
Posted by Happy Metal Guy in General Weirdness on March 29, 2014
(Photo By Matthew Germain)
In a move that estranged longtime American sponsor Head & Shoulders, Swedish melo-hair metal titan Arch Enemy announced Tuesday that they have endorsed Singaporean shampoo company Silkpro.
The news, which came a day after blue-haired Alissa White-Gluz (ex-The Agonist) was announced as gold-haired Angela Gossow’s replacement, took everyone but Devin Townsend, Kerry King and the rest of their ilk by surprise.
“From the moment Alissa’s blue hair interlocked with my red hair, a purple spark ignited between us and I knew that we have something special going on,” said red-haired lead windmiller Michael Amott, flipping his fabulous mane over his right shoulder under the sunlight.
“And because Head & Shoulders strips away color too quickly, we decided to switch to another brand with a reputation for preserving dyed-hair color. So after thinking long and hard, we decided to jump ship to Silkpro,” Amott continued, swishing his fabulous locks over his left shoulder this time.
Head & Shoulders, known for its dandruff-eliminating ability, is popular amongst long-haired metalheads with oily scalps. When contacted, company spokesman Dan D. Ruff expressed disappointment at Amott’s decision.
“You can’t have both anti-dandruff and color preserve in one shampoo, so we don’t blame Michael for going over to the colored side,” said Ruff. “But he of all people should know that the unhealthy metal lifestyle produces greasy scalps, and greasy scalps produce dandruff. And in no time at all, Arch Enemy’s on-stage headbanging will be raining white flakes down on its audience.”
“In all honesty, colored hair with white specks in it looks worse than spotless black hair,” Ruff continued.
However, Silkpro spokesman Richard Tan disagrees. He claimed that a new shampoo with 66.6% of anti-dandruff chemical content is in the works. Code-named “Hair Eternal,” it will bestow Arch Enemy members with spotless colored hair, and hit Walmart shelves on June 10.
Although frizzled and ridden with split-ends, White-Gluz’s rad blue hair is in good company. The 28-year-old’s hair hangs about five inches past her shoulders, continuing the band’s tradition of accepting only long-long-haired windmillers as members.
“Most people think Christopher Amott left Arch Enemy to pursue a career in Ikea, but that is not the case at all,” said dirty blonde and ex-vocalist Johan Liiva. “The truth is that Michael actually kicked him out for cutting his fuckin’ hair. Same thing happened with me when I got that Ozzy haircut.”
Indeed, follicles of the same length lock together. Arch Enemy’s latest promotional photo clearly depicts a group of five long-haired individuals, with black-haired bassist Sharlee D’Angelo’s and brown-haired guitarist Nick Cordle’s guitar necks bent towards the luscious locks in utter awe.
According to black-haired drummer Daniel Erlandsson, his instrument is not as enamored with his hair as D’Angelo’s and Cordle’s own. But he speculated that maybe it is because his hair is neither as wavy as D’Angelo’s hair nor brown as Cordle’s hair.
Undoubtedly excited about her new modeling role, White-Gluz has taken it upon herself to add more color to her life.
“Don’t believe McFly, you can definitely have more than five colors in your hair,” said the bluehead as she sat in a salon chair, destroying her hair further by getting white, pink, red, green, yellow and brown highlights.
“There is no such thing as having too many colors in your hair. Colored hair is forever, colored hair is limitless and this is only the beginning!”
Arch Enemy will tour hair salons throughout Asia this July, and will only sign empty Silkpro shampoo containers. Specific dates will be announced soon.
Halestorm Cover of “Straight Through The Heart” Causes Tear To Stream Down Face of Dio’s Corpse
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on March 27, 2014
The soon to be released Dio cover album “This Is Your Life” has already received criticism from the person who knew Ronnie James Dio the best, Dio himself. After his untimely passing in May of 2010, Dio’s corpse was preserved and put in a case at Oxford University, where he occasionally taught classes in the history of utopian socialism during his breaks from his life on the road. Dio fans from across the world have made pilgrimages to visit his body since it was encased in glass; regularly flooding the campus with some of the most unkempt, swarthy people that you could possibly imagine.
On Monday afternoon, Robert Owen, an overzealous British fan of the fallen rock icon visited the body in order to play Halestorm’s recently released cover of “Straight Through The Heart”. According to several witnesses, about 36 seconds into the song, a tear streamed down Dio’s mummified face. “Even though he was dead, you could tell that he felt terribly uncomfortable with what they had done to the song. All of a sudden, God as my witness, a tear streamed down his face,” said John Mill, a Dio fan who had flown in from New Zealand to pay his respects.
Dio’s Preserved Body At Oxford University
Reports of weeping corpses are not uncommon in England, where the average person walks around dead for ten years before being buried. However, it is highly irregular for an inanimate corpse to excrete tears after being embalmed. Many Black Sabbath fans have speculated that if Dio’s corpse does rise from the dead his preserved remains might be replaced by vocalist Ian Gillan.
Some are calling the event a miracle. The Catholic Church has sent a representative to Oxford to confirm the weeping body. If they are able to verify the claims of the witnesses Pope Francis has intimated that he would consider making Dio a saint. In parts of Central America, where a strange hybrid of Catholicism and Dio worship has become a popular religion, many are hailing this event as the coming of a new spiritual age of enlightenment.
However, many skeptics are claiming the “Weeping Dio” is merely a hoax concocted by mercenary publicists in order to promote the upcoming cover album. Several attempts have been made to cause the body to continue sobbing, including blasting the entire Disturbed discography for 24 straight hours only inches away from Dio’s ears. As of yet, no new tears have been spotted.
“Exfoliations and Exorcisms” Spa Will Clean Your Skin and Soul For $99.99
Posted by Keith Spillett in Health Tips for An Early Death on March 26, 2014
Phil Anselmo After His Relaxing Exorcism (photo by Matthew Germain)
(Soothing light jazz plays under the deep, soothing announcer’s voice)
Everybody has been there before. You have a huge party coming up later in the evening; you have oily skin, nothing to wear and the spirit of the demon Pazuzu inhabiting your body. Lucky for you, Exfoliations and Exorcisms can get you ready for that big night on the town.
Stop by any of our locations in order to get your treatment today. Our trained staff of herbocologists, pharmacological nail technicians, botanists, zoologists, epidericololgical skin replicators, colonic refabricators and preachers will get looking like a million bucks without having to pay sell your soul. Just sit back, relax and be cleansed of all of the ultra-violet rays and satanic entities that have been weighing you down.
Step into an oasis of calm in a fallen world. We offer several fast, affordable treatments including holy water facials, avocado dead skin mask acne eradication, laser stigmata removal, horn maintenance, tail elimination, hoof waxing and head rotations.
Next time your afternoon is turning into a living hell, stop by Exfoliations and Exorcisms. We have 18 area locations where you can be washed in the cool, soothing waters of eternal damnation. Call us at 1-800-CALMAWAITS to schedule your consultation and pick up your free pint of yak’s blood.
Slayer To Protest Westboro Baptist Church Leader Fred Phelps’ Funeral
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on March 20, 2014
Carrying signs saying “God Hates Self-Righteous Fanatics” and “At Least Satan Has Good Taste In Music”, members of the heavy metal rock band Slayer today camped outside the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas waiting to protest the funeral of WBC leader Fred Phelps. An outspoken critic of people of other races, homosexuality, heavy metal and pasteurized milk, Phelps passed away earlier today after suffering a severe heart attack when informed that Ellen DeGeneres has a popular television talk show. He was 84.
Animosity between Slayer and Westboro has been mounting since Phelps threatened to picket the funeral of Slayer guitarist Jeff Hanneman last year. Phelps, who fronted a Carnivore cover band known as “Jesus Hitler” back in the early 90’s, felt that beyond being a group of unwashed heathens, Slayer simply weren’t very good anymore. “They have profaned the name of Christ! That is obvious. But worse, they really haven’t recorded anything worth listening to since Divine Intervention!” said Phelps in a fiery sermon 3 months ago.
Phelps’ death has sent shockwaves through the Bigot community. Several Bigots across America have planned candlelight vigils to mourn the death of the man that some have called “The Godfather of Modern Bigotry”. His passing has also saddened many closeted Bigots who are now unable able to shake their heads at Phelps’ antics while masking their own hatred in the form of polished and coded political expressions.
Bigots across the world have lost a hero to their cause. “He was our Harvey Milk,” said teary-eyed Westboro member Harvey Atwater as he heard the news. “Our President is from Kenya, it’s legal for a donkey to marry a man in most states, and Satan himself is running half of the major television networks as well as the Internet. America is going to Hell in a handbasket and our greatest leader has fallen. This is a dark day for this great nation.”
Environmentalists Fear New Nuclear Assault Will Lead To Radioactive Tuna; Death of All Living Things
Posted by Keith Spillett in Health Tips for An Early Death on March 4, 2014
The tuna industry is reeling from several published reports that a new Nuclear Assault album may be released as early as 2015. Radioactive tuna from the 2005 Nuclear Assault album “Third World Genocide” has been linked to scores of horrific public health issues around the world. Environmentalists are calling the latest Nuclear Assault release “the worst potential attack on Mother Nature since DRI released a video for ‘Acid Rain’.”
In California, over two million children have been born with multiple heads since the 2005 Nuclear Assault record hit stores. These children, known as “Connelly’s Kids”, are prone to violence, have the ability to make objects burst into flame by thinking about them and breathe through gills strategically located on their foreheads. Gangs of “Connelly’s Kids” recently rampaged through the streets of Sacramento and Bakersfield, eating hundreds of kittens and stealing the toes of elderly citizens in order to make so-called “death necklaces”.
California is not the only place that Nuclear Assault ridden tuna has caused problems. This winter, Atlanta, Georgia has been slammed by two massive ice storms shut the city down for nearly 10 days and caused a traffic nightmare due in large part to infected tuna. In 1989, after the release of Nuclear Assault’s magnum opus “Handle With Care”, Guatemala was attacked by hundreds of moth-like creatures capable of turning human beings into bloodthirsty zombies by stinging them. When “Something Wicked” was released in 1993, a horde of 30,000 flying pigs with bat wings killed everyone in the country of Canada except for members of the band Annihilator and noted director David Cronenberg.
Tuna fish are often the size of Volkswagens. They are a tasty, delicious treat consumed by obnoxious sushi eating 30 somethings who have nothing better to talk about than their previous evening’s meal. A canned form of the wonder fish is often consumed by impoverished Americans who would easily achieve the American Dream if they stopped wasting their time eating and sleeping and spent more time working to improve their lot in life. Many doctors believe tuna not affected by heavy metals can help people achieve eternal life if eaten on a regular basis.
Scientists fear the new Nuclear Assault could cause a death toll in the millions as well as the destruction of most major cities. According to Dr. Glenn Evans, a noted expert on the effects of radiation sickness, citizens around the world need to become aware of the calamity that might take place and get together to make a difference. According to Evans, “Critical mass will be achieved or else we will destroy ourselves. If we don’t stop this catastrophe from happening, it’s Game Over.”
God: “I Did What I Had To In Order To Prevent ‘Lulu Two’”
Posted by Keith Spillett in Excessive Cruelty Towards Strangers on February 26, 2014
God Angrily Dismissing Questions From Reporters About “Lulugate”
In a press conference outside his home in Valdosta, Georgia, God today admitted responsibility for committing “several crimes against humanity” including “ravaging Lou Reed’s body with disease” in order to stop Metallica from collaborating on a second album.
“Look, I know I created a world where many horrible things happen. War, famine, earthquakes, tornados, babies born without heads, I can live with all that. However, James Hetfield again declaring himself to be a piece of furniture is where I draw the line,” pronounced God moments before he ascended into the clouds for an afternoon meeting with rap legend Eazy-E.
God is no stranger to controversy. While he has been responsible for many of the greatest miracles ever to take place, he has also gained a reputation as a vengeful, jealous God and, by some estimates, has been responsible for the deaths of over 107 billion people throughout the course of human history. Some critics have gone as far as accusing God of the manufacture and use of several biological weapons including the bubonic plague, cancer and the Ebola virus.
Some of God’s critics claim his treatment of humans is excessive and even bizarre. Lot Markowitz, a traveling salesman from Gomorrah, Pennsylvania, remembers God’s behavior as being extremely erratic.
“He destroys two cities completely, kills everyone, but lets my family go, right? Then, all of a sudden, my wife turns around and she’s a pillar of salt. What sort of weird, sick creature would do that?!?!”
God also has been known to play the occasional inappropriate practical joke. He once told his faithful servant Abraham to climb up to the top of Mount Moriah and kill his beloved son Isaac. Only moments before the murder of this small child, God, hardly able to keep a straight face, stopped Abraham and boomed out “Just Kidding!!!”
In spite of his recent indiscretions, many believed God’s ending of the Cold War and introduction of additional cable television channels had signaled a “kinder, gentler God”.
However, according to several confirmed sources, God not only smote Lou Reed but also threatened to cover each member of Metallica from head to toe in boils and send a flood to destroy the city of Cleveland, Ohio if they released anything else they had written in tandem with the rock legend.
Many bloggers had speculated that God took retribution on Metallica skinsman Lars Ulrich by robbing him of his ability to play drums as punishment for his work on the first “Lulu” album. However, those charges have been brushed aside by many in the metal community who have listened to Ulrich’s drumming since “…And Justice For All” and are well aware that he was stripped of those powers back in 1988, well before the dreaded 2011 release.
Highlights From Albert Einstein’s Address to Congress On March 21, 1937
Posted by Keith Spillett in Pointyheaded Highbrow Stuff on February 24, 2014
Einstein Moments Before His Speech
Many people remember Albert Einstein as the father of modern zoology, the inventor of the Kangol hat and the guy who posed for all of those Apple ads, but he was so much more. He invented the Theory of Relativity, which outlawed marriage between a brother and sister, and came up with a formula for a diet soft drink so tasty it could not be distinguished from a regular cola. He inspired many great leaders, including fight promoter Don King, who borrowed his trademark hairstyle as homage to the fallen scientist.
Einstein made many speeches. Often, they were in front of audiences, but he was also extremely talented at communicating with animals and once did an hour-long speech on hypothetical calculus to a teary-eyed den of mountain lions on the outskirts of Inner Mongolia. Probably Einstein’s most famous speech is the one he gave to Congress in March of 1937. Communism, fascism and fashion trends like the jaunty mustache were on the march in Europe and China had been broken by a band of willful 6 year-olds who had gained access to the top shelf of the cabinet in the dining room. Einstein saw what the world was becoming and issued this dire warning to the elected representatives of the people of the United States.
“My fellow Americans. Today I come to philosophize with a hammer instead of a Bunsen burner. My mind, weakened and tainted by the impurity of booze and fast women, is still capable of envisioning a way in which our world cane become a better world for our children. And our children’s children. And their children. Along with their great grandchildren. And the children who emerge from the wombs of those children. On and on south of heaven.”
“Where was I? Ah… A man becomes preeminent; he is expected to have enthusiasms. (Pause) Enthusiasms (Longer pause) Enthusiasms. (Really long pause) What are mine? What draws my admiration? What is that which brings me joy? (Pulls out a baseball bat and holds it over his head) Socialism! Godless, freedom killing, spirit destroying, human-bondage creating, wealth redistributing, nation wrecking, mind-erasing socialism. I dream every night of dragging the rich landowners into the street and stomping their faces into hamburger. But all this is not important. Today, I am here to talk about peace.”
“Many people have predicted that World War III would be really bad. Terrible. Awful. I mean, really bad. As a really, extremely smart person, I want to be clear that I too agree that war would cause both death and destruction. Because I am smart, I am able to go into a laboratory and build a portal into the future. I have done this. I have seen things. Bad things. Bats eating the gizzards of children. Children feeding children to other children. And why? War! War, ladies and gentlemen…what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Say it again y’all!” (Members of Congress shout “Good God” in unison)
“As I emerged from the portal, a giant talking eagle perched on my shoulder and whispered into my ear. Eagles are wise birds. They are the only animal in nature besides man that are capable of taking vast fields of energy, converting them into laser form and using them to melt the faces of their rivals. This wise old bird told me something I’ll never forget. Here is what he said…
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. And I know not what weapons World War IV will be fought with, but chances are after the whole destruction of society bit plays itself out, humans will be able to once again be able to rearm and create shiny new weapons of doom in order to fight World War V.”
“And I know not what weapons World War V will be fought with, but I’m assuming at this point, for World War VI, humans would be advanced enough to create giant clouds of ice that would rain flesh severing hail on all the cities of the people they hate the most. And if World War VI be fought that way, World War VII probably will be fought by cybernetic beings capable of flaying the flesh off of an entire nation with the blink of an eye.”
“And if World War VIII is fought that way, aliens will probably come into the picture for World War IX because earth is the only planet remaining in the universe that has water, an element vital in the creation of alien hover boards and automated Chinese food buffets. And World War X will probably be fought in space by planet-sized computers.”
“This will lead to World Wars XI though XVI, which will use technology that is so advanced my eagle brain and mouth are not capable of articulating what will happen. But, seriously…it will be awful. Not kidding.”
“World War XVII will actually be a period of 1000 years of peace intended to cause great suffering among the billions of people who seem to rejoice at killing billions of other people. Then, the great peace will be broken by World War XVIII, a reenactment of World War VII performed by a group of talented actors in the foothills of North Carolina. It will initially be meant to entertain survivalists and other fans of war, but it will morph into a 10 yearlong brutal, barbaric struggle control of a picture of actor Henry Winkler.”
“World War IXX will be fought from flying cars equipped with Gatling guns. World War XX, The Platinum Anniversary War, will be the war to end all wars because Romans only came up with numbers up to twenty.”
“And this is why I, as probably the smartest person you will ever come in contact, with urge you to stop making other people die. Because even if they are complete idiots, they can still recognize both pain and the absence of being alive. And no one deserves that. Even Germans.”
Pills Against The Ageless Ills
Posted by Keith Spillett in Existential Rambings on February 23, 2014
When I was a kid, there was no better experience than walking around a toy store. The smell of bicycle tire rubber, metal trucks that could be transformed into omnipotent robots, GI-Joe men packaged in plastic tombs waiting to be reborn and liberated in the cause of fun, the locked bulletproof plastic case behind which Atari games were buried in case of looting. Aisles and aisles of endless possibility. Never ending fun at every turn.
Then, I became a man and put away childish things. Toy stores turned from bastions of joy to cheap consumer hells. There is no mystery left in toys for me, only price tags and the endless howling of a barbaric wolf pack of brainwashed children who have long since been figured out by the Skinner Box charlatans that wile away their days mastering the art of monetizing dreams.
Surprisingly, as my body decays from a temple of purity to a temple of doom, I have found there is another place that fills me with this same childish wonder that Toys’R’Us once provided me. That place is the local CVS in the Toco Hills section of Atlanta.
I walk through the sliding electric doors and a chill runs down my spine. I immediately make a beeline for the back of the store where the all the serious remedies are kept. I am transfixed by visions of how much I can fix. Rows upon rows of aspirins, antacids, probiotics, fiber enriched gummy bears, earwax cleaners, toenail clippers, vitamins, tooth care products, skin softeners and everything else you could possibly imagine.
The irritable stomach aisle is my favorite. A regular Disneyland for the dyspeptic. I feel an odd pride to live in a nation that has figured out so many possible ways to deal with heartburn. One of the happiest moments in the last year or so of my life was the day I discovered the new antacid flavor chews. I go through a bottle of 250 on a weekly basis. I have more calcium in me than a medium sized herd of dairy cattle. They look and taste like gigantic Skittles. But Skittles with a deeper purpose. Skittles that can alleviate the endless, lava like pain that exists deep in the smoking pit that is my stomach.
After this, I migrate over to the tooth care section. I find myself taking a particular interest in the different varieties of dental floss that come out with startling regularity. There are people somewhere in an office who spend hours upon hours brainstorming ways to obliterate the plaque that accumulates around the edges of human tooth. A life well spent, in my opinion. They have these toothpicks that have a plastic sharpened tip on one end and a small brush on the other side. I think about them constantly. I own roughly twelve packs of 500 of them, which are scattered throughout my house and car. They give me great solace, even on the darkest of days.
Depending on what nagging pain or irritation is top of mind for me guides the next fifteen minutes. Am I waking up in a cold sweat at 2 AM with the usual round of life drama induced night terrors? The sleep section offers me everything from melatonin to Valerian root to the new Nyquil sleep product (inventively called “Zzzzzz”) that makes me feel like my brain has been danced on by elves wearing soccer cleats.
My eyes are itching and my nose is watering (or something like that). Can I be cured? Certainly! A quick visit down aisle 16 will convince anyone who is paying attention that there are enough allergy medications to dam the mighty Mississippi. The true connoisseur of allergy products understands that these are usually useless and if you want to feel any comfort whatsoever, you have to get the pharmacist to go in the back and get you a batch of those pills with pseudoephedrine in them. Great stuff for allergies, but after about three weeks of the maximum dosage Mother Theresa would start firing rounds off of a Texas bell tower. I’ve been taking the stuff for close to ten years and need very little explanation as to why meth heads often lack teeth.
I find myself experiencing an odd, unexplainable form of jealousy as I walk the perimeter of the store. I still have years before I can experience things like a Sitz bath or know electronically what my glucose level is. I cannot reasonably explain spending 50 bucks on a knee or back brace. My eyeball has not been scarred and, therefore, I am in no need of the varieties of eye patches that are offered. I am denied some of the basic freedoms that people with infirmities worse than mine are allowed to experience. Still, there is so much for me that I never feel this longing for very long.
There is comfort to be found in this odd place. A strange feeling of control over one’s ultimate fate. A feeling of wild empowerment over the forces of decline and despair. Backaches, headaches, joint pain, germy hands, smelly feet, chronic everything…all curable, if only for a few hours. Relief only a transaction away.
The Tyranny of Tradition 
