Posts Tagged Black Sabbath
Metalhead Immolates Self In Protest Of Rolling Stone List Of Top 100 Metal Bands
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on September 21, 2012
The war over Rolling Stone’s list of the Top 100 metal albums of all time just got more heated. On Thursday morning, metalhead activist Steve Dalkowski lit himself on fire in his living room in Asbury Park, New Jersey in an attempt to show his anger at the recent Top 100 list. The fire consumed two-thirds of his house and his entire collection of Pig Destroyer live DVDs. According to a note left by Dalkowski, he could “no longer live in a world where Borknagar’s 2012 release Urd is not given its proper respect by metal fans and the media as a whole.”
Dalkowski’s note, which railed against several notable omissions from the list, was scrawled on the back of a gatefold vinyl copy of “Anthems to The Welkin At Dusk”. It included a scathing critique of the list, which he noted “failed to include anything by Darkthrone, Mayhem or any of the early Gorgoroth records.” Further, he added that “the doom genre got totally and completely ignored. What sort of Top 100 list would leave out anything by St. Vitus?” He finished the note by excoriating the writers at Rolling Stone for “not even knowing which Death album James Murphy was on.”
Rolling Stone’s list has been criticized by many metalheads for including bands that are not traditionally considered heavy metal. Number 23 on the list, for example, was Bob Dylan’s “Blonde on Blonde”. The Shins “Oh, Inverted World” and Kanye West’s “Late Registration” were also considered worthy of being in the Top 100 causing great consternation among those who follow metal. Still, Dalkowski’s reaction is considered extreme.
Dalkowski’s self-immolation is the latest in a string of metal related self-disfigurements. Two months ago, Nevada metalhead Jim Loudermilk doused himself in sulfuric acid to protest Cryptopsy’s failure to use fretless bass on their recent self-titled album. Last week, metal fan James Riley drowned himself in a giant vat of mustard in order to voice his displeasure that Bolt Thrower is not being allowed to play two sets at this year’s Maryland Death Fest.
Dalkowski is currently in critical condition at Mount Sinai hospital with burns over 90 percent of his body. Doctors expect a full recovery but believe he might never again be able to grow hair on his tongue.
Obama Removes Bill Ward’s Image From Mount Rushmore
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on May 21, 2012
Ward Allegedly Used To Be Between Roosevelt and Lincoln
In a move aimed at making Americans forget the achievements and contributions of former Black Sabbath drummer Bill Ward, President Barack Obama has taken the unique step of having his likeness removed from Mount Rushmore. Ward had been on the monument between Roosevelt and Lincoln since 1978.
The de-Wardization of Mount Rushmore comes at the end of a traumatic week for Ward, who has seen his image removed from the moon landing picture, the painting of Washington crossing the Potomac and even the website of his former bandmates Black Sabbath. Ward has remained mostly silent on the matter, but many insiders believe that there is an ongoing conspiracy in place to make the American public forget that Bill Ward ever existed.
Ward’s contributions to America are nearly unmatched. Who invented penicillin? Ward. Who was the first person in space? Ward. Who was the 23rd President of the United States? Ward. What President made the treaty with aliens from the Uhreih Galaxy and began a period of unmatched peace and prosperity? Ward. Who eliminated the use of anti-matter death rays? Ward. Who infiltrated Satan’s dark underworld and ended his grip on the souls of all mankind? Ward.
However, if you asked most Americans, they wouldn’t even know these significant events had taken place. A few might remember he was the drummer from Black Sabbath and little else.
Obama’s decision to wipe out the final link to Ward runs deeper than most people even know. The Obama administration has taken the rare step of removing all mentions of Ward from history as well as any pictures or paintings. They have even gone so far as to remove him from his own baby pictures.
When asked for comment about the matter in a press conference on Friday Obama remarked “Bill Who? I’m not aware of the person you are speaking of. Wasn’t he a drummer or something?”
Black Sabbath have also denied knowledge of the existence of Ward. Their official website now claims that Vinny Appice played drums on all of their early records. Singer Ozzy Osboune claims he knew an auto mechanic named Bob Ward once back in Yorkshire, but hasn’t spoken to him in 30 years. The rest of the band have denied even knowing that a person with the last name Ward has ever walked the earth.
Black Sabbath Without Original Drummer Vinny Appice
No one seems to know why Ward’s existence is being hidden from the human race. It is impossible to get an answer from anyone because the minute Ward’s name is mentioned, people who should have known him for years pretend they don’t know what you are talking about. Even his children now deny he existed.
The sudden disappearance of Ward’s image has led many to speculate that sinister plans are being made to completely eliminate Ward from the minds of people. Known conspiracy theorist and Ron Paul for President National Spokesman Art Bremer claims that the U.S. government is currently in development of a biological weapon that, once released, will wipe out all memory of Bill Ward.
Update: I wrote this article last night, but for some reason I can’t remember who this “Bill Ward” person is. I fell asleep at my keyboard and woke up with some strange story about a guy I’ve never heard of and all of his amazing achievements along with a terrible headache. I think he might have been a character I made up or something like that. Everyone knows that Vinny Appice was Black Sabbath’s first drummer and Benjamin Harrison was America’s 23rdPresident.
New Book Claims Nixon Considered Assassinating Black Sabbath Members
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness, Pointyheaded Highbrow Stuff on March 16, 2012
For years one of the great mysteries in American political history was what President Nixon said in the missing 18-½ minutes of tape that was “accidentally” erased before it was given to investigators. A new book may just answer that question.
According to Nixon’s story, his personal secretary Rosemary Woods erased the missing section of tape when she was trying to transcribe the details of the conversation for the Watergate Hearings. In a new book, “Knowing Dick: My Mother’s Time Under President Nixon”, Petey Woods, Rosemary’s eldest son, claims that she revealed to him that Nixon had detailed discussions about assassinating members of the metal band Black Sabbath on the deleted section of the tape. He also claimed that his mother was asked by the President to destroy the section because he worried about “a wave of heavy metal coming over to the U.S. from England and spreading lawless, godless communism.”
The book claims, Nixon, who has also been rumored to have encouraged the assassination and overthrow of Salvador Allende in Chile, wanted to see a similar fate for Bill Ward, Tony Iommi and Geezer Butler. Nixon was much less concerned about Ozzy, who he felt was a drag on the talents of the rest of the band. However, Nixon was concerned that “Sabbath might go ahead and get someone like that fellow Dio from the band Elf. Then, they’d all have to go or they’d be unstoppable.”
Nixon believed the CIA could be enlisted in plans to get rid of Sabbath. “After all, we used them to overthrow Mossadegh in Iran and Arbenz in Guatemala. They helped get rid of Trujillo in the Dominican Republic, Diem in Vietnam and Patrice Lumumba in the Congo. They even tried to kill Castro 8 times for god sakes. Getting rid of a bunch of angry, power-chord obsessed Brits should be no trouble whatsoever for the boys over at Langley.”
“The President was deeply concerned about the potential dangers of a style of music that loud and that intense,” says Woods in his book. Apparently, most of the 18-½ minutes is an anti-metal rant that featured the President raving about the future of metal. “Eventually they’ll be bands that play a style called speed or thrash metal. They’ll have names like Slayer and Demolition Hammer and they will corrupt the young. I can envision a world where kids run into each other in a dance they like to call “moshing”. They’ll be encouraged to kick their friend in the head and have a ball. Is this the type of America you want, Haldeman?”
One of the most shocking revelations about the tapes is Nixon’s Nostradamus-like ability to accurately predict the path of heavy metal. At one point, he allegedly referred to a style of metal from Scandinavia that he believed would be called “bleak metal” and would feature band members wearing corpse paint and playing fast, angry metal filled with high pitched screams. He then allegedly went into graphic detail about his concern that there might be a so-called “death metal” scene in Florida in the early 1990s where bands like Death and Morbid Angel “could completely warp the minds of an entire generation with satanic imagery and blast-beat drumming.”
Nixon even went as far as saying that if Black Sabbath isn’t killed, we’d see a future with bands like “Suffocation, Pig Destroyer, and Goatwhore telling our kids god knows what”. By “taking out Sabbath”, Nixon believed he could strike a final and decisive blow against the forces of heavy metal. “All we need are a few bullets, a little arsenic in their beer and a car bomb or two. Then the kids will start listening to positive stuff like Anita Bryant and Bing Crosby again. And just what the hell is a Goatwhore anyway?”
However, if Sabbath was successful in their metal mission young people would “fall like dominos” and eventually America would be filled with a majority of “black tee-shirt clad, long-haired maniacs who live to thrash all night and sleep all day.”
Later in Nixon’s life, he slowly began to accept heavy metal and even was rumored to have listened to Pantera’s “Cemetery Gates” on his deathbed. However, his willingness to use the power of the Presidency to kill members of a heavy metal band is deeply troubling for the remaining twenty or so Americans who believe that America doesn’t have the right to go around the world murdering people who are a perceived threat.
Rick Santorum Declares War On Heavy Metal
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on February 10, 2012
Rick Santorum has been on the offensive lately, but his target has not been Republican frontrunner Mitt Romney or even President Barack Obama. For the past week, Santorum has been using his campaign to take aim at an issue he feels to be the single most dangerous force in America today: Satanism in heavy metal. “If you listen to the radio today, many of these brand new, so-called heavy metal music bands like Black Sabbath, Venom, The WASP and Iron Maiden use satanic imagery to corrupt the minds of young people,” announced Santorum at a 10,000 dollar a plate sock-hop in Valdosta, Georgia on Thursday.
Santorum’s popularity in the polls has grown substantially since he began speaking out against metal and its assault on traditional values. He has spent much of the past week in the Midwest encouraging young people to stay away from metal artists and listen to performers like Michael W. Smith and Pat Boone. In a recent Gallup Poll, 87 percent of Republican voters think that the biggest problem in America today is “the demented bloodlust of teenagers caused entirely by heavy metal music.”
In the past, Santorum has accused heavy metal of being the cause of some of the worst crimes in American history including the attempt on the life of Ronald Reagan in 1981, 9/11 and the passage of Obama’s Health Care Bill. He stepped up his rhetoric in a speech on Wednesday when he implied that heavy metal is the cause of many forms of mental illness as well as lactose intolerance.
It’s probably not a coincidence that since he began his crusade against metal that his poll numbers have been surging upwards. Picking out a small and unique group, singling them out as “other” and using them to frighten the masses is a proud tradition in American politics. However, many commentators believe that his call for metal internment camps goes too far. Santorum has openly advocated the forced re-education of metalheads. They would be forced to endure 30 days of non-stop “values based” music that promotes the American way of life as well as the free market. In order to leave, they will have to sing the chorus to at least one Celine Dion song.
In response to Santorum’s metal onslaught, Mitt Romney officially denounced his earlier position of “tolerance towards all fans of extreme music”. This, in spite of the fact that GWAR played his inauguration as governor of Massachusetts back in 2003. But things have changed since 2003 and embracing heavy metal music is about as popular selling baby organs on Ebay or clubbing seals. Romney will need to begin pretending to be something else if he plans on facing Obama in the general election in November.
Rock The Cradle of Filth
Posted by Keith Spillett in The Poetry of Death on May 8, 2011
Scream For Me Kindercare!!!!!
Reconciling your life as a headbanger with your life as the parent of small children is not always easy. Questions like “Should I play my 3 year old the entire Bathory discography before he starts kindergarten?” or “Should she really be wearing that Gorgoroth onesie to her 2nd birthday party?” are standard fare for metalheads who have decided to become parents. Thanks to the wonders of capitalism, there is a purchase that solves nearly every possible human dilemma. This case is no exception. A company known as Rockabye Baby! has lullaby renditions of some of your favorite metal and hard rock artists. If you want to fill your child’s head with Black Sabbath, Tool or Nine Inch Nails songs as they drift off into dreamland, you can do it!
I recently picked up the crown jewel in the Rockabye Baby! collection, Lullaby Renditions of Metallica. The description on the website said the following…” Say your prayers, little one. Tonight these gentle versions of Metallica’s essential masterpieces of metal will gently rock you to sleep. Enter sandman.” I had to buy it. Immediately.
Funny thing is, it’s really a great record. The songs hold true to the originals without scaring my children into hellish nightmares about bats eating their brains. The version of “Fade To Black” is downright wonderful. I catch myself listening to it before I go to bed from time to time. I think I like the interpretation of “Wherever I May Roam” on here more than the one on the Black Album. Michael Armstrong, the composer of this album, is a Metallica fan with the rare ability to write beautiful children’s music.
The record contains mostly Metallica hits, although Anesthesia (Pulling Teeth) makes an appearance. It’s not a great take on the tune, but it will be nice car music for our first trip to the dentist. As a whole, however, the song selection is a bit lacking. I was really hoping to have the chance to indoctrinate my children to the wonders of “Trapped Under Ice”, but alas, that may never happen. He did have the good sense to not put any Saint Anger songs on. The last thing I need in my life is having to tell my son or daughter “Stop humming Invisible Kid or you are going to your room!!!!!”
The full Rockabye Baby! catalog looks like it might be worth checking out. I bet the Pink Floyd one sounds great even though the Syd Barrett years are completely ignored. There are a few records in the catalog that would be good to have around if you run out of syrup of ipecac and your child swallows a quart of Drano. Nothing would induce vomiting faster than having to hear the lullaby sounds of Coldplay or U2. On their website, they actually have a place where you can request what band they will cover next. I’ve spent the better portion of the morning recommending they do an Emperor cover album. After about 500 times I stopped, but I plan on getting back to it later today. I Am The Black Wizards as a lullaby…think about it! If you have a moment, please drop by their site and submit as many votes as you can.
Theme From An Imaginary Grindcore Album: The Birth of UnMusic
Posted by Keith Spillett in Articles I Probably Shouldn't Have Bothered Writing, UnMusic on February 5, 2011
Today is a landmark day in the history of music. On Saturday February 5th at 10:37 AM a new genre of music has been born. Welcome to the world of UnMusic. Many times I have read the song titles on albums and thought to myself “This album has great song titles, it’s too bad the songs are horrendous.”
If you have had that thought from time to time, then UnMusic is for you. UnMusic removes the irritating and grating music that is on albums and merely gives you song titles. I give you the song title, what your imagination does with them is up to you. Think of the possibilities? Music without the limitations of actually having a song! I’m not even going to give the album a cover with artwork. I feel like that would be selling out. You, the listener, have complete artistic freedom to imagine what we would have sounded like had we actually recorded the songs.
For the purposes of marketability, the music will (not) be recorded by my band E.T.A.F. (Eats Things that Aren’t Food), who are known for their top 40 single “Jodie Meeks”. This genre is deeply influenced by grindcore (particularly by the band A.C.). Grindcore is a style of metal that often features hysterical song titles and horrifically unlistenable songs. Why bother with the songs?!?!?!
I was thinking about grindcore when these songs were (not) written, and actually believe this album better fits into a subgenre known as UnCore. That being said, I don’t want to limit your imagination, so if the songs sound in your mind like Michael Bolton or Earth Wind and Fire when you think of them, go with it.
Band: E.T.A.F.
Album Name: Unfriended By Life
Songs:
1. Obligatory 2 Minute Acoustic Guitar Instrumental Intro
2. Tipper Gore Told You To Throw Out All of Your Judas Priest Albums…But You Didn’t Listen
3. I Got Scolded Because I Made Fun of the Drummer From Winger
4. You Hung Out With The Band Skindred in A Parking Lot
5. If Lincoln Were Alive Today, He’d Be Angry They Buried Him
6. Stop Staring At Me…I’m Not Going to Talk to You
7. You Have Children
8. Mubarak Has the Best Interests of His People In Mind
9. “So…Wait….Now You Are Saying That You Are Not A Doctor?!?!”
10. I Follow People Around Malls
11. You Like Tomatoes, But You Don’t Like Ketchup
12. You Met Your Wife At A Viking Metal Concert
14. Ketchup Is A Vegetable
15. You Lost Your Children’s College Fund Because Jerome Bettis Fumbled
16. You Missed a Meeting With Your Parole Officer To Go To An ICP Concert
17. You Sent Your Son To School With Head Lice
18. Choose Life…The Lesser of Two Evils
19. You Learned to Speak Latin In Order To Sound Arrogant
19. You Gave Blood
19. There Are 3 Track 19s on This Album
20. You Were Unfriended By Soccer
21. You Voted In Florida And It Didn’t Count
22. Two Tens For a Five (A Tribute To Goldman Sachs)
23. You Have Restless Leg Syndrome
24. No One Follows You On Twitter
25. You Are Allergic To Dog Dander and Milk
26. You Live In Buffalo
27. You Were Unfriended By Bacon
28. My 98 Year Old Grandmother Just Compared Municipal Waste to D.R.I.
29. You Live In Buffalo
30. “No Officer, A Sound Did Not Come From My Trunk”
31. You Gave Your Son Cortisone Shot So He Could Play In A Little League Game
32. You Have A Bank Account
33. People Don’t Take You Seriously Because You Have A Mustache
34. You Pay Taxes Because You Think Its Patriotic
35. If It Wasn’t For All The Crime, Miserable People and Decaying Buildings, Gary, Indiana Would Be a Great City
36. Sucks to Be You…You Play Soccer
37. Soccer is The World’s Most Popular Sport
38. You Own A Copy of The Movie “Space Jam” and You Don’t Have Any Kids
38. HA! HA! HA!!! You Voted For Obama…and He Lost!!!
39. You Went On Strike Until Your Company Agreed To Show Jerry Springer In The Break Room
40. You Live In Buffalo
41. You Are An Organ Donor
42. You Know How To Properly Use A Semi-Colon
43. You Quote Ayn Rand
44. You Hope That Iron Maiden Plays All The Songs From The X Factor At Their Next Concert
45. Your Kids Don’t Talk To You Because You Have A Mohawk
46. You Think That People Are Smiling In Commercials Because They Are Happy
47. Nobody Goes To Your MySpace Page Because Your Band Does Lionel Richie Covers
48. Spellcheck is Wrong…Grindcore is One Word
49. No One Knows What Barney Greenway is Talking About
50. I Listened To The First Carcass Album and Became a Vegetarian
51. You Are So Metal That You Were Into Ozzy Before He Joined Black Sabbath
52. Raggacore Is The Next Big Thing
Hidden Tracks:
52. You Think It’s Ironic To Have Song Titles Without Actual Songs
53. It’s Funny Until You Start Talking
54. Some Random Cover of A Band I’ve Never Heard Of Like Budgie
55. A.C. Can’t Sue Me For Stealing Their Idea Because They Can’t Afford A Lawyer
56. Even Spammers Ignore You
The Tyranny of Tradition 