Posts Tagged Children’s music

Rock The Cradle of Filth

Scream For Me Kindercare!!!!!

Reconciling your life as a headbanger with your life as the parent of small children is not always easy.  Questions like “Should I play my 3 year old the entire Bathory discography before he starts kindergarten?” or “Should she really be wearing that Gorgoroth onesie to her 2nd birthday party?” are standard fare for metalheads who have decided to become parents.  Thanks to the wonders of capitalism, there is a purchase that solves nearly every possible human dilemma.   This case is no exception. A company known as Rockabye Baby! has lullaby renditions of some of your favorite metal and hard rock artists.   If you want to fill your child’s head with Black Sabbath, Tool or Nine Inch Nails songs as they drift off into dreamland, you can do it!

I recently picked up the crown jewel in the Rockabye Baby! collection, Lullaby Renditions of Metallica.  The description on the website said the following…” Say your prayers, little one. Tonight these gentle versions of Metallica’s essential masterpieces of metal will gently rock you to sleep. Enter sandman.”  I had to buy it.  Immediately.

Funny thing is, it’s really a great record.  The songs hold true to the originals without scaring my children into hellish nightmares about bats eating their brains.  The version of “Fade To Black” is downright wonderful.  I catch myself listening to it before I go to bed from time to time.  I think I like the interpretation of “Wherever I May Roam” on here more than the one on the Black Album.  Michael Armstrong, the composer of this album, is a Metallica fan with the rare ability to write beautiful children’s music.

The record contains mostly Metallica hits, although Anesthesia (Pulling Teeth) makes an appearance.  It’s not a great take on the tune, but it will be nice car music for our first trip to the dentist.  As a whole, however, the song selection is a bit lacking.  I was really hoping to have the chance to indoctrinate my children to the wonders of “Trapped Under Ice”, but alas, that may never happen.  He did have the good sense to not put any Saint Anger songs on. The last thing I need in my life is having to tell my son or daughter “Stop humming Invisible Kid or you are going to your room!!!!!”

The full Rockabye Baby! catalog looks like it might be worth checking out.  I bet the Pink Floyd one sounds great even though the Syd Barrett years are completely ignored.  There are a few records in the catalog that would be good to have around if you run out of syrup of ipecac and your child swallows a quart of Drano.  Nothing would induce vomiting faster than having to hear the lullaby sounds of Coldplay or U2.  On their website, they actually have a place where you can request what band they will cover next.  I’ve spent the better portion of the morning recommending they do an Emperor cover album.  After about 500 times I stopped, but I plan on getting back to it later today.   I Am The Black Wizards as a lullaby…think about it!  If you have a moment, please drop by their site and submit as many votes as you can.

Rockabye Baby! site (type Emperor and help teach young children to love Black Metal). A few hundred thousand hits should do the trick.

, , , , , , , , , , ,

4 Comments

Down With CMOBD: A Survivor’s Story

Digging my way out from mega despair

“You can watch them all day and never know why…”

-The Mighty Machines Theme Song

I’ve spent the last 43 hours and 12 minutes with a song from my son’s Thomas the Tank Engine video in my head.  The song is called “Accidents Can Happen” and, needless to say, it’s not very good. They tell you about a lot of things before you have a child, but they never seem to mention the debilitating effects of children’s music on the functioning of your mind.  There was a point in my life where I was able to have a normal flow of thought.  That time is over.  In less than four years, my mind has turned into a Ringling Brothers sideshow act.

There was a song on a Blues Clues DVD called “Bebop A”.  My 2 year old daughter spent the entire car trip from New Jersey to Atlanta screaming “BEBOP A…HEY, HEY…BEBOP A…HEY HEY!!!”  Once or twice is very cute.  Heck, 50 or 60 times isn’t bad.  But after a while, the stuff gets into your blood.  You can’t go anywhere or do anything without thinking of it.  It’s like graffiti on your cerebral cortex.  You zone out for a minute and there it is.  Over and over.  When you lay down and close your eyes in a 30 dollar a night Motel 6 somewhere in Southern Virginia and you see Steve from Blues Clues staring at you with that smug, goofy look shouting “BEBOP A!!!!” you really get how far gone you are.

There are three stages of CMOBD (Children’s Music on the Brain Disorder).  The first is a general acceptance of the song.  You hear the Clifford the Big Red Dog theme and you don’t think much about it.  You go about your life pretty much unhindered. Occasionally, you notice that you are humming it, but you are nothing more than slightly amused that you remember it.  This is the denial stage.  Maybe you’ve been hooked before, but you think…not this time.

The second stage is where you start to lose control.  It’s when the song starts to consume you.  It runs through your mind constantly.  Sometimes it’s just the chorus, sometimes it’s a just a phrase, but it starts to take over your life.  You are driving a car. Suddenly, you realize you are headed in the wrong direction on a highway. You realize you were singing the awful Aaron Neville theme to The Little People.  Something about how Aaron says “little people and we’ll always be friends”.  Perfect.  You are lost in it.

You are an air traffic controller and someone asks you  “What runway should we land that DC-10 on?”  You reply with a blank stare.  You were thinking about the music at the beginning of Dinosaur Train.   Hundreds of lives hang in the balance and you are thinking about dear old Mrs. Pteranodon.  You have lost all orientation.  You are a CMOBD zombie headed with a one-way ticket to destruction.

Then, there is the third stage.  Complete withdrawal.  Blinding rage.  Utter confusion.  You are angry at the world because they can’t hear what you hear.  You don’t care whether they understand you or not.  You know that there is no thought that is more important than the Teletubbies theme. You close your eyes and you begin to understand that the smiling baby inside of the sun is looking at you and only you.  You crave Tubby toast.  You start to feel angry that the Tubbies have spilled things again and forced the Noo-Noo into more backbreaking labor.  You can no longer distinguish the world from your own personal CMOBD purgatory.

Many recover, but a relapse is never far away.  A CMOBD sufferer need only here a few notes and the whole vicious cycle starts again.  The confusion.  The hysteria.  The shame.  There is no known cure for CMOBD but we as parents must be vigilant.  I have spent three and a half long years suffering from repeated bouts of CMOBD, but I have not lost hope.  I know that a brighter tomorrow is just around the corner.  Won’t you be, won’t you be, won’t you be…my neighbor.

, , , , , , , , , , , ,

4 Comments

%d bloggers like this: