Rock The Cradle of Filth

Scream For Me Kindercare!!!!!

Reconciling your life as a headbanger with your life as the parent of small children is not always easy.  Questions like “Should I play my 3 year old the entire Bathory discography before he starts kindergarten?” or “Should she really be wearing that Gorgoroth onesie to her 2nd birthday party?” are standard fare for metalheads who have decided to become parents.  Thanks to the wonders of capitalism, there is a purchase that solves nearly every possible human dilemma.   This case is no exception. A company known as Rockabye Baby! has lullaby renditions of some of your favorite metal and hard rock artists.   If you want to fill your child’s head with Black Sabbath, Tool or Nine Inch Nails songs as they drift off into dreamland, you can do it!

I recently picked up the crown jewel in the Rockabye Baby! collection, Lullaby Renditions of Metallica.  The description on the website said the following…” Say your prayers, little one. Tonight these gentle versions of Metallica’s essential masterpieces of metal will gently rock you to sleep. Enter sandman.”  I had to buy it.  Immediately.

Funny thing is, it’s really a great record.  The songs hold true to the originals without scaring my children into hellish nightmares about bats eating their brains.  The version of “Fade To Black” is downright wonderful.  I catch myself listening to it before I go to bed from time to time.  I think I like the interpretation of “Wherever I May Roam” on here more than the one on the Black Album.  Michael Armstrong, the composer of this album, is a Metallica fan with the rare ability to write beautiful children’s music.

The record contains mostly Metallica hits, although Anesthesia (Pulling Teeth) makes an appearance.  It’s not a great take on the tune, but it will be nice car music for our first trip to the dentist.  As a whole, however, the song selection is a bit lacking.  I was really hoping to have the chance to indoctrinate my children to the wonders of “Trapped Under Ice”, but alas, that may never happen.  He did have the good sense to not put any Saint Anger songs on. The last thing I need in my life is having to tell my son or daughter “Stop humming Invisible Kid or you are going to your room!!!!!”

The full Rockabye Baby! catalog looks like it might be worth checking out.  I bet the Pink Floyd one sounds great even though the Syd Barrett years are completely ignored.  There are a few records in the catalog that would be good to have around if you run out of syrup of ipecac and your child swallows a quart of Drano.  Nothing would induce vomiting faster than having to hear the lullaby sounds of Coldplay or U2.  On their website, they actually have a place where you can request what band they will cover next.  I’ve spent the better portion of the morning recommending they do an Emperor cover album.  After about 500 times I stopped, but I plan on getting back to it later today.   I Am The Black Wizards as a lullaby…think about it!  If you have a moment, please drop by their site and submit as many votes as you can.

Rockabye Baby! site (type Emperor and help teach young children to love Black Metal). A few hundred thousand hits should do the trick.

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  1. #1 by Rincewind on May 8, 2011 - 1:21 PM

    have no small kids bit this a great post for whenever I get there. I have 2 nephews and was getting slightly miffed that one of them was just listening to Rap (I’m ok with Rap but no too much) and the other one never really had a music sense but was jumping of joy when they came to see me and I just had a quick gander in the non-music persons phone and noticed great music like Slayer, AC/DC, Iron Maiden and Metallica so have now got a favourite nephew… 🙂

  2. #2 by Keith Spillett on May 8, 2011 - 3:50 PM

    Nice! Hopefully my kids end up listening to cool music. Right now, they like The Wiggles and the Thomas the Train soundtrack, but you can’t expect them to be perfect overnight.

    • #3 by Rincewind on May 8, 2011 - 4:55 PM

      ohh the devils music that is 😀 give em time and they will be headbanging next to you. I only have to get my rapping nephew a lesson in music and then I will be a proud uncle…

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