Archive for category General Weirdness
Led Zeppelin Accused of Stealing Portions of Stairway To Heaven From Cannibal Corpse
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on May 20, 2014
You may have never heard of the song “Hammer Smashed Face” by Cannibal Corpse, but apparently Led Zeppelin has.
According to recently released phone recordings of Jimmy Page talking to Zeppelin vocalist Robert Plant, the two conspired to steal the opening riff from “Hammer Smashed Face” and put it in their legendary song “Stairway To Heaven”. Page, who studied the art of transcendental time travel in an ashram in Northern New Jersey in the early 1960s, allegedly leaped ahead in time in order to find inspiration for Led Zeppelin IV.
While in the year 1994, he astrally projected himself into a movie theater in order to watch Jim Carrey’s comedy classic “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective”. While watching Cannibal Corpse’s bizarre cameo in the film, he came upon the opening riff from “Hammer Smashed Face” and a rock’n’roll epic was born. Moments later, he teleported his soul to a local Sam Goody where he purchased “Tomb of The Mutilated”.
When Page returned, he played the song over the phone to Plant. The two were in the studio in a matter of hours. The rest is history.
“If you listen to the two, the similarities are obvious,” said metalhead attorney Butch Carnage. “It’s not just the guitar parts either. The blast beats are even exactly the same. Who do these guys think they are kidding?”
This is not the first time a metal band has accused Led Zeppelin of plagiarism. In 2009, Obituary charged that Zeppelin lifted a portion of “Chopped in Half” to create the song “D’yer Mak’er”. Texas death metallers Devourment have claimed that the song “Whole Lotta Love” is practically a carbon copy of “Parasitic Eruption” off of the album “Conceived In Sewage”. Nuclear Assault has also alleged that Zeppelin covered “Good Times, Bad Times” on Led Zeppelin I without properly crediting them.
We tried on several occasions to contact members of the band to get their comment. We even went so far as to hire a psychic medium to conduct a séance in order to speak with the spirit of drummer John Bonham. However, the band has yet to make a public statement on this brewing controversy.
Swedish Government Bans Windmilling
Posted by zenaphobe67 in General Weirdness on May 19, 2014
King Carl Gustaf XVI has become the next in a long list of world leaders to throw his weight behind the war to end all wars, The War On Metal. Using a medical controversy to justify his actions, King Gustaf has issued an edict that bans windmilling in public and private places until further notice. The ban effects all of Sweden, and states that anyone found windmilling will be fined 10,000 krona and will be exiled to picking up litter around the fjords wearing a rotary sensitive shock collar.
Sweden, which many may know, is famous for its Swedish fish candies and it’s ratio of 87 Viking metal bands to one synthpop band, is the windmilling capital of the world and this ban is seen as a royal overreach aimed at subduing the metal subculture into irrelevance. Many Swedes feel that this move was inspired by the recent outbreak of fighting in the hills of Afghanistan, where drone attacks are indiscriminately targeting mosh pits and corpse paint store fronts. The metal community in Sweden has been reeling from several previous attempts to link them to harmful behaviors, the last being a fabricated whistle blower hit piece in which many bands were accused of testing music on lab animals.
Several news agencies received anonymous VHS tapes with footage that can only be described as criminal and twisted, that shows scenes from inside an alleged “Sound Chamber of Satan” where hundreds of Eurasian Pygmy Shrews are strapped into very small cots and subjected to hours of death metal at a time. At one point in the video, the shrews have been moved into what looks like a coliseum and are hacking away at each other with swords and axes. Later shown to be a fraud , the tapes irreparably damaged the reputation of metal in Sweden and began to move public attitudes in a negative direction.
Capitalizing on this momentum, the Ministry of Health investigated a study done by Arch Enemy titled, “Windmill Your Way To A Healthy Thyroid” and alleged that the positive results could not be duplicated during double blind testing and they then turned their attention to similar reports released by the bands Dismember, Bloodbath, and At The Gates. The health benefits of windmilling hearken back to the early Vikings, and it is used in many holositc metal health treatments. Windmilling is said to cure seasonal allergies, planters warts, and even hypothyroidism, but is dismissed as pseudo science by the medical community.
In a full on media blitz, the Ministry of Health released a document dump of 2200 “studies” which linked windmilling to ailments ranging from male pattern baldness to spinal kyphosis. Public service messages were aired featuring so called “Ex-millers” giving their testimonies of how windmilling had destroyed their health and MP3 collections.
Arch Enemy vocalist, Alisa White-Gluz, says she is saddened by the political weaponizing of the innocuous tradition of windmilling and has begun to form a coalition of the milling to resist further stigmatization of the windmilling community. In the wake of the prohibition, small, secret cells of windmillers are springing up to provide practitioners of this gentle art an outlet to let their hair down and avoid the prying eyes of the law. Lobbying efforts to overturn the ban have begun by the powerful and influential cervical collar industry, as the criminalization of windmilling has brought cervical collar sales to levels not seen since the Swedish disco craze of the 1990’s.
Tipper Gore To Release Heavy Metal Album
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on April 29, 2014
One of heavy metal’s greatest critics has finally come around. In a striking reversal of her earlier position, not only has Gore come out in support of heavy metal, which she now believes is “a positive influence on America’s youth”, she is even working on a metal album, tentatively known as “Scream Tipper Gore”, scheduled to be released in December.
Tipper Gore’s group, the Parent’s Music Resource Center or PMRC, formed in 1985 in an attempt to limit children from accessing music with violent or sexual themes. Many of the artists targeted included Mercyful Fate, Venom, WASP and Judas Priest. The PMRC’s campaign eventually led to a Senate hearing and labels being placed on many metal albums.
In retrospect, Gore regrets her war on metal. “Honestly, at the time, I hadn’t heard much metal. Possessed was the first Venom album I listened to. Terrible. Abaddon’s drumming is worse than listening to my two-year-old niece banging a tin cup against a glass table, the solos are laughable and Cronos sounds like a porpoise gargling salt water. Later, I picked up Black Metal and At War With Satan and realized how wrong I was. Both of those are great albums.”
The album that really changed Gore’s mind was Cannibal Corpse’s seminal death metal classic “Tomb of The Mutilated”. During her divorce with former Presidential candidate and climatologist Al Gore in 2010, she turned to music as a source of strength. One day, she was searching through Youtube for new music and came across the song “Hammer Smashed Face”. “It was love at first listen,” said Gore as she revealed the recently inked “Butchered at Birth” tattoo on her left thigh.
She immediately immersed herself with metal albums and now is an expert in the genre. Ms. Gore has reached out to many in the heavy metal community and begun friendships with several noted artists including Patrick Mameli from Pestilence and Suffocation vocalist Frank Mullen.
She has become particularly good friends with death metal guitar legend and producer James Murphy. It was Murphy who first gave her the idea of recording the album. “I hadn’t really played much since I was the lead tambourine player in my church’s production of Jesus Christ Superstar. James told me if I put my mind to it I could create the next great metal album. When I started my band Inflammatory Bowel Disease, I set out to do just that.”
Gore recruited an all-star cast of metal musicians to appear on the album and even talked Murphy into playing guitar on the band’s first single “An Inconvenient Brutal Truth”. She considers herself a top-notch death metal vocalist and described her style of singing as a cross between Angela Gossow formerly of Arch Enemy and Antti Boman from Demilich.
Here is the track list from the forthcoming release “Scream Tipper Gore”:
- Regurgitation of Thyroids
- Polyuria and The Fugitive Mind
- Pancreatic Picnic (featuring Ludacris)
- An Inconvenient Brutal Truth
- Eaten By Rabbits
- Pituitary Gland Barbeque
- Infant Brutality
- Staring Wistfully (At The Blackie Lawless Poster On My Wall)
- Kitten Flavored Yogurt
- I Am Putrefaction
- Global Warming Is A Lie
- Necrotizing Bloodfunnel
“Metal Onion” Website Angers Public By Creating Hoax About Release of New Judas Priest Album
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on April 28, 2014
Tyranny of Tradition, an online heavy metal website similar to The Onion, enraged heavy metal fans today when writer Keith Spillett ran fake story claiming that heavy metal rock band Judas Priest would be releasing their seventeenth album in July. The story, which was picked up on several major Internet sites as well as on CNN, claimed that Rob Halford and the boys would be putting out a new record known as “Redeemer of Souls”. In fact, Judas Priest has no plans to release a new album.
The article went so far as to manufacture an interview that never actually happened with guitarist Glenn Tipton. Tipton did not claim that, “sometimes in the past we may have come under fire for being too adventurous musically – so we have listened.” He went on not to say, “from start to finish, Redeemer of Souls is 18 songs of pure classic-Priest metal,” in spite of what this Onion-like website claimed.
Fake Artwork From The Judas Priest Album That Isn’t Coming Out
Metal fans were not amused. Some of Priest’s biggest supporters threatened violence in the wake of the hoax. “For the first time since 2008, I felt genuine happiness. I started thinking about the joy I’d feel at getting a chance to hear new material from my favorite band. Then, I realized that it was some stupid troll making stuff up in a website that’s like The Onion only about heavy metal. Now, I just want to get this writer ‘Keith Spillett’, if that is REALLY his name, and knock his teeth down his throat,” announced Cyrus Necrovomit, head of the Northern Idaho chapter of the Judas Priest Nation, in a press conference this morning.
Hundreds of threatening emails and thousands of hated-filled comments were posted on the site. The article was taken down an hour ago after Spillett found a human head in a bag with a note attached saying “Tak The Articul Down Or Dy! -Preest For Lif” on his front porch.
No one has claimed responsibility for placing the head on Spillett’s porch, but many experts have been left by a shadowy terrorist organization simply known as “The Bangers”. The group is wanted in connection with several random attacks on posers throughout the Southeast, including the beating of an 87-year-old woman who had just purchased an Asking Alexandria shirt at a Hot Topic in Atlanta. After the woman was knocked to the ground, she was held down by several of the group’s members while a tattoo of Eddie, Iron Maiden’s notorious mascot, was etched onto her forehead.
Meanwhile, Rob Halford is in talks to collaborate with pop star Lady Gaga on a yet to be named project after he finishes the Judas Priest album that doesn’t exist.
According to Halford, “I’ve been into her since she first burst on the scene. I just love everything that lady stands for. First and foremost, her voice is extraordinary. She’s an accomplished musician who plays piano, oboe, zither and tambourine really well. She’s just a great songwriter. And she’s a beacon of hope for a lot of people in the world.”
Otep To Re-Release Classic “Blackwater Park” Album in July
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on April 7, 2014
Next month, Oscar nominated artists Otep plan to re-release the album that redefined the boundaries of progressive metal, “Blackwater Park”. The band, which is named after the Greek Sun god Otep, has become one of the top selling metal acts in world since the album’s release in 1983.
The band’s lead singer Otep Night Shyamalan, a noted thespian and director of the popular film “The Sixth Sense”, has become extremely well known for her outspoken political views. Her strong opinions have made her an important figure both in and out of the world of heavy metal. She was a noted speaker at the Republican National Convention back in 2008 and was cited several times by then-Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin as “a positive voice for values and the traditional American way of life” during campaign speeches.
This summer Otep will be headlining the Mayhem Tour. Bassist Mikael Akerfeldt has hinted that the band plans to play their seminal “Rust In Peace” album from beginning to end on several tour dates, but has not indicated which ones. During a recent concert in Antarctica, the band went back to their roots and played several songs off of their first album “Show No Mercy”.
The band’s well-known singer Oprah Shamaya, whose Grammy winning television talk show went off the air back in 2011, recently issued a controversial tweet on MySpace where she called into question “fake news sites” like Tyranny of Tradition and cnn.com. In the tweets, she referred to herself as a “cultural arsonist” and threatened to set mimes on fire. Our reporters contacted several mimes that refused comment.
While the mimes have been silent on this issue, a representative from the heavy metal rock band Slayer indicated that everything that has been written in this article is completely untrue. “Anyone who knows Slayer knows that none of the members of the band Otep would even THINK about protesting the funeral of former Yankees and Mariners first baseman Ken Phelps,” said Slayer publicist and PMRC spokesperson Josephine McCarthy.
Pastor Ken Phelps Only Moments Before Tyranny of Tradition Made Up Lies About him
Arch Enemy Endorses Silkpro
Posted by Happy Metal Guy in General Weirdness on March 29, 2014
(Photo By Matthew Germain)
In a move that estranged longtime American sponsor Head & Shoulders, Swedish melo-hair metal titan Arch Enemy announced Tuesday that they have endorsed Singaporean shampoo company Silkpro.
The news, which came a day after blue-haired Alissa White-Gluz (ex-The Agonist) was announced as gold-haired Angela Gossow’s replacement, took everyone but Devin Townsend, Kerry King and the rest of their ilk by surprise.
“From the moment Alissa’s blue hair interlocked with my red hair, a purple spark ignited between us and I knew that we have something special going on,” said red-haired lead windmiller Michael Amott, flipping his fabulous mane over his right shoulder under the sunlight.
“And because Head & Shoulders strips away color too quickly, we decided to switch to another brand with a reputation for preserving dyed-hair color. So after thinking long and hard, we decided to jump ship to Silkpro,” Amott continued, swishing his fabulous locks over his left shoulder this time.
Head & Shoulders, known for its dandruff-eliminating ability, is popular amongst long-haired metalheads with oily scalps. When contacted, company spokesman Dan D. Ruff expressed disappointment at Amott’s decision.
“You can’t have both anti-dandruff and color preserve in one shampoo, so we don’t blame Michael for going over to the colored side,” said Ruff. “But he of all people should know that the unhealthy metal lifestyle produces greasy scalps, and greasy scalps produce dandruff. And in no time at all, Arch Enemy’s on-stage headbanging will be raining white flakes down on its audience.”
“In all honesty, colored hair with white specks in it looks worse than spotless black hair,” Ruff continued.
However, Silkpro spokesman Richard Tan disagrees. He claimed that a new shampoo with 66.6% of anti-dandruff chemical content is in the works. Code-named “Hair Eternal,” it will bestow Arch Enemy members with spotless colored hair, and hit Walmart shelves on June 10.
Although frizzled and ridden with split-ends, White-Gluz’s rad blue hair is in good company. The 28-year-old’s hair hangs about five inches past her shoulders, continuing the band’s tradition of accepting only long-long-haired windmillers as members.
“Most people think Christopher Amott left Arch Enemy to pursue a career in Ikea, but that is not the case at all,” said dirty blonde and ex-vocalist Johan Liiva. “The truth is that Michael actually kicked him out for cutting his fuckin’ hair. Same thing happened with me when I got that Ozzy haircut.”
Indeed, follicles of the same length lock together. Arch Enemy’s latest promotional photo clearly depicts a group of five long-haired individuals, with black-haired bassist Sharlee D’Angelo’s and brown-haired guitarist Nick Cordle’s guitar necks bent towards the luscious locks in utter awe.
According to black-haired drummer Daniel Erlandsson, his instrument is not as enamored with his hair as D’Angelo’s and Cordle’s own. But he speculated that maybe it is because his hair is neither as wavy as D’Angelo’s hair nor brown as Cordle’s hair.
Undoubtedly excited about her new modeling role, White-Gluz has taken it upon herself to add more color to her life.
“Don’t believe McFly, you can definitely have more than five colors in your hair,” said the bluehead as she sat in a salon chair, destroying her hair further by getting white, pink, red, green, yellow and brown highlights.
“There is no such thing as having too many colors in your hair. Colored hair is forever, colored hair is limitless and this is only the beginning!”
Arch Enemy will tour hair salons throughout Asia this July, and will only sign empty Silkpro shampoo containers. Specific dates will be announced soon.
Halestorm Cover of “Straight Through The Heart” Causes Tear To Stream Down Face of Dio’s Corpse
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on March 27, 2014
The soon to be released Dio cover album “This Is Your Life” has already received criticism from the person who knew Ronnie James Dio the best, Dio himself. After his untimely passing in May of 2010, Dio’s corpse was preserved and put in a case at Oxford University, where he occasionally taught classes in the history of utopian socialism during his breaks from his life on the road. Dio fans from across the world have made pilgrimages to visit his body since it was encased in glass; regularly flooding the campus with some of the most unkempt, swarthy people that you could possibly imagine.
On Monday afternoon, Robert Owen, an overzealous British fan of the fallen rock icon visited the body in order to play Halestorm’s recently released cover of “Straight Through The Heart”. According to several witnesses, about 36 seconds into the song, a tear streamed down Dio’s mummified face. “Even though he was dead, you could tell that he felt terribly uncomfortable with what they had done to the song. All of a sudden, God as my witness, a tear streamed down his face,” said John Mill, a Dio fan who had flown in from New Zealand to pay his respects.
Dio’s Preserved Body At Oxford University
Reports of weeping corpses are not uncommon in England, where the average person walks around dead for ten years before being buried. However, it is highly irregular for an inanimate corpse to excrete tears after being embalmed. Many Black Sabbath fans have speculated that if Dio’s corpse does rise from the dead his preserved remains might be replaced by vocalist Ian Gillan.
Some are calling the event a miracle. The Catholic Church has sent a representative to Oxford to confirm the weeping body. If they are able to verify the claims of the witnesses Pope Francis has intimated that he would consider making Dio a saint. In parts of Central America, where a strange hybrid of Catholicism and Dio worship has become a popular religion, many are hailing this event as the coming of a new spiritual age of enlightenment.
However, many skeptics are claiming the “Weeping Dio” is merely a hoax concocted by mercenary publicists in order to promote the upcoming cover album. Several attempts have been made to cause the body to continue sobbing, including blasting the entire Disturbed discography for 24 straight hours only inches away from Dio’s ears. As of yet, no new tears have been spotted.
Slayer To Protest Westboro Baptist Church Leader Fred Phelps’ Funeral
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on March 20, 2014
Carrying signs saying “God Hates Self-Righteous Fanatics” and “At Least Satan Has Good Taste In Music”, members of the heavy metal rock band Slayer today camped outside the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas waiting to protest the funeral of WBC leader Fred Phelps. An outspoken critic of people of other races, homosexuality, heavy metal and pasteurized milk, Phelps passed away earlier today after suffering a severe heart attack when informed that Ellen DeGeneres has a popular television talk show. He was 84.
Animosity between Slayer and Westboro has been mounting since Phelps threatened to picket the funeral of Slayer guitarist Jeff Hanneman last year. Phelps, who fronted a Carnivore cover band known as “Jesus Hitler” back in the early 90’s, felt that beyond being a group of unwashed heathens, Slayer simply weren’t very good anymore. “They have profaned the name of Christ! That is obvious. But worse, they really haven’t recorded anything worth listening to since Divine Intervention!” said Phelps in a fiery sermon 3 months ago.
Phelps’ death has sent shockwaves through the Bigot community. Several Bigots across America have planned candlelight vigils to mourn the death of the man that some have called “The Godfather of Modern Bigotry”. His passing has also saddened many closeted Bigots who are now unable able to shake their heads at Phelps’ antics while masking their own hatred in the form of polished and coded political expressions.
Bigots across the world have lost a hero to their cause. “He was our Harvey Milk,” said teary-eyed Westboro member Harvey Atwater as he heard the news. “Our President is from Kenya, it’s legal for a donkey to marry a man in most states, and Satan himself is running half of the major television networks as well as the Internet. America is going to Hell in a handbasket and our greatest leader has fallen. This is a dark day for this great nation.”
Rancid Set To Record Their First Ever American English Language Album
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on February 21, 2014
After spending the better part of 20 years uttering a completely indecipherable mixture of portuguese, broken English, latin, spanish, urdu, punjabi, swahili, clicking noises and grunts, ska punk band Rancid plans to record their next album “Songs That Kind of Sound Like The Clash” in pure American English.
The band’s “singer”, Tim Armstrong has spent the last six months in an intensive American English language immersion program that will allow him to sing in a way that is moderately coherent to the people of The Greatest People on Earth.
Early on in his career, many music fans believed that Rancid’s enigmatic singer was attempting to gain a distinct sound for the band that allowed them to stand apart from the other 7,000 or so bands who came out around that time and sounded exactly the same. Others were concerned he had accidentally severed his tongue. At first, Armstrong was troubled by these accusations, but later he learned to brush aside many of the criticisms.
He told Rolling Stone magazine in an interview last year this year that “sema cunna sima, heh heh, the new kid is blacajema, sayin’ like a hema slucka jem-inon, heh, Yeah! Sa…YEAH!”
While Rancid’s fame has diminished over the past few years, many fans still fondly remember when they rocketed to fame on the heels over several hit singles including “Ruby Soho”, “Roots Radical” and “Semi-Comma Henem Draaba”.
Armstrong At A Political Rally Last Fall
In 2004, they recorded the critically acclaimed “Ehhh..Guple Dema”, a poignant reflection on Tim Armstrong’s difficult divorce and his lifelong battle with cerebral moosebumps. After that, they all but disappeared from the music scene. Now, they are back and ready to make sense. They parted ways with long time concert translator Michael Stepanac and plan to rely solely on words that can be understood by a good portion of The Hardworking and Pious American Public.
Rancid had faced protests at concerts back in the early 2000s from nativist groups who wanted to deport Armstrong to Iraq for not speaking, as Moral Majority Leader Jerry Falwell referred to it, “The Language of God and Freedom”. Many Americans, particularly in the southeastern portion of The Land Our Savior Has Smiled Upon and Granted Endless Bounty have taken a break from getting worked up about the many satanic spells buried in the Obamacare bill and have become deeply concerned about this new assault upon Our Way of Life.
Lawmakers in Georgia have considered passing legislation that prohibits Armstrong from speaking anywhere in the state. In Texas, many Righteous and Upstanding Citizens of This Great Nation are concerned that the new album will begin in English and then veer off into “one of the many mud languages spoken by the terrorists who live in other countries”.
According to former Texas governor Rick Perry, “This new album is like that Trojan Horse that the Romans used to defeat the Germans in World War The First One. It will pretend to be in American English, but if you play it backwards, it will be no different than their earlier stuff.”
Watain to Cover “Let It Be”; Kill Remaining Beatles
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on February 17, 2014
In what may be the most bold and audacious publicity stunt in the history of heavy metal, black metal superstars Watain plan to murder the two living members of the band the Beatles to coincide with the release of their next record “Death’s Dark Darkness Darkens”. However, in tribute to the most famous band in rock and roll history, they also have planned to open the album with a black metal reworking of the Beatles classic “Let It Be”.
Killing both Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney will certainly not be a simple task, especially since the band has announced its intentions in advance. However, according to lead singer and former Mossad assassin Erik Danielsson, getting to Ringo might not be all that difficult. “Honestly, if you look at the guy, he’s about two glasses of wine away from renal failure. He’s in such bad shape, the other day he asked Lemmy if he could borrow his liver.”
That being said, getting to McCartney could be much more difficult. Immediately after plans for his execution by Watain were announced, he moved into an underground bunker guarded by former Secret Service members along with twelve members of the Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang. In spite of the obstacles, Danielsson feels that the band’s high level training in urban combat, guerilla warfare and carjacking will allow them to overpower the guards and “have McCartney’s head on a stick on the roof of our tour bus by July.”
Watain are no strangers to assassinations. Guitarist Pelle Forsberg was a member of Seal Team Six, the group responsible for the murder to noted terrorist and blogger Osama Bin Laden. According to recently released CIA documents, drummer Hakan Jonsson orchestrated several attempts on the life of Cuban leader Fidel Castro, including trying to send him exploding cigars and planning a misguided endeavor where Castro would be trapped in his bedroom and drowned in thousands of tons of frozen yogurt.
Danielsson remains confident in the slaying abilities of Watain. “Look, if we could get to Robert Kennedy, Malcolm X, Whitney Houston and the drummer from Hanoi Rocks, what makes you think we can’t put that little twerp McCartney in the ground?”
The Tyranny of Tradition 
