Keith Spillett
I have a lot of strange debris rattling around my mind that I need to work out in a useful way.
Homepage: https://tyrannyoftradition.wordpress.com
An unInterview With King Diamond That Never Happened
Posted in Excessive Cruelty Towards Strangers on July 22, 2014
Just Look At This Guy
(editors note: At no time during this unInterview did I unInterview King Diamond. As far as I’m aware, he has no idea this unInterview has taken place. Even if he did, I’m guessing that since he is in his early 90’s, his memory is starting to blur. He would probably either not remember it had it taken place or thought he was talking to Abraham Lincoln)
I did not get a chance to talk to with King Diamond recently. We were not on his tour bus before the concert talking for an hour and a half while he was putting his makeup on. He did not have me come up on stage and sing the chorus of “Tea” with him. After the show, King Diamond and I did not go to a 24-hour Denny’s together and get Moons Over My Hammys. He did not call me later in the week to play racquetball.
Tyranny: Let’s get this straight, Kim. As far as I am aware, America is not a monarchy. Therefore, I will not be referring to you as King at any point during this unInterview. We are both grown men. I’m not going to play the make believe game with you where you pretend to be this dark ghoulish satanic overlord and I pretend to be your frightened minion.
I will be referring to you by your birth name, Kim, throughout the duration of this unInterview. That okay with you, your highness?
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: DO…YOU…NEED…ME…..TO…TALK……LOUDER!!!!
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: Kim, I wanted to ask you about the whole being short thing. I read somewhere you are a wee little fella. About 5’4 it said. I heard you used to model for trophies. And that you used to play handball against a curb. And that you can hang glide on a Dorito.
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: When you choose what musicians are going to play with you on a tour, is height a factor? Let’s say, for example, you were to have had the late Peter Steele play bass live with you. He was 6 foot 6. You would have looked like a little marionette next to him. Or like a tiny, painted Chihuahua.
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: Kim is a girl’s name, isn’t it? Were your parents trying to do some sort of Johnny Cash “A Boy Named Sue” thing to toughen you up?
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: What’s with your voice anyway? You sound like an angry Muppet.
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: You seem like a pretty bright guy. Do you ever look back on your life and think that you could have been a doctor or a lawyer instead of a grown man running around a stage in a Halloween costume?
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: In an earlier article I said some pretty insulting stuff about your age. I want to take a moment to apologize for that. As a gesture of goodwill, I want to offer you this tube of Fixodent and a coupon for the early bird special at the local Sizzler.
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: Back to the height thing for a minute. When your band mates are angry with you, do they put your skulls, candles and fingerless leather gloves on high shelves so you can’t reach them without getting a phonebook or a chair?
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: I heard you kicked your bassist Hal Patino off the tour because he threatened to leave you in the bathtub with the water running.
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: If Satan were real, don’t you think he’d be embarrassed by the silly way you are representing him?
(place where King Diamond would have responded)
Tyranny: Don’t cop an attitude with me. What are you going to do? Put some voodoo spell on me? Bury a human head in a graveyard with a lima bean in its mouth in order to have locust descend on my home? I’m about a foot taller than you. I’ll take your copy of the Necronomicon and force you to eat it page by page. I’ll smack the paint off your face, son.
Oh…c’mon! Where you goin’? What’s a matter with you?!?! I was only kidding!!!!!
SLAAAAAAAAAAAYERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted in Totally Useless Information on July 15, 2014
SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!
SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!
SLAAAAAAAYERRR!!!!
SLAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SLAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!
SLAYERRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(slayer?)…….SLAYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR.
slaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYER!
SLAYERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAYERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYER
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
S
L
A
Y
E
R!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
awwwwwww….slayer……..
SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Or…………..Public Discourse In The 21st Century)
An unInterview With Tommy Christ Of Scatterbrain and Ludichrist; Though This Be Madness, There Is Method In It
Posted in People Who Were Willing To Speak To Me on July 14, 2014
There have been many greatest moments in my life. The birth of my two children, my wedding day, the first time I saw Jodorowsky’s “Holy Mountain”, the time my high school basketball team came back from 8 down to win the league championship, the first time I saw an x-ray of my foot, defending my family from alligators and nuclear waste fueled swamp mutants after our plane crashed into the Everglades….
…the time my pancreas was featured on the Today Show in their “Pancreas of The Month” segment, the day I found out that my neighbors wife wasn’t missing, but had been consumed by him in an all-night Santeria ritual meant to bring a plague of locust on the people of Peru…
…..the time during college when myself and a couple of friends stole an 800 pound orangatuan from the Bronx Zoo, the moment I realized I had the power to become a donkey merely by selling my eternal soul to former President Jimmy Carter and the day I first learned that Al Roker was my biological father.
However, all great days pale in comparison to today. For this is the day I get to publish an unInterview with a man I’m not afraid to say that I love. His music has shaped me into the deluded, psychotic misanthrope that I am today.
Both Scatterbrain and Ludichrist helped me discover the parts of myself that were missing after I was accidentally dismembered on an assembly line in Flint, Michigan back in 1953.
Now, without further adieu (as the French say), I present to you The Man, The Myth, The Legend….Tommy Christ….
Why did you kick Slash out of the band?
Two stars keep not their motion in one sphere;
When did you first realize Led Zeppelin had plagiarized a portion of “Whole Lotta Love” from Scatterbrain’s “Down With The Ship”?
Who steals my purse steals trash. ‘Tis something, nothing:
‘Twas mine, ’tis his, and has been slave to thousands.
But he that filches from me my good name
Robs me of that which not enriches him
And makes me poor indeed.
Rank your favorite Hawkwind albums in order 1 through 983.
I am but mad north-north-west. When the wind is southerly I
know a hawk from a handsaw.
When Rob Halford rejoined Ludichrist, do you think it improved the band or do you think you were better off with Blaze Bayley singing?
And I can teach thee, coz, to shame the devil
By telling truth: tell truth and shame the devil.
If thou have power to raise him, bring him hither,
And I’ll be sworn I have power to shame him hence.
O, while you live, tell truth and shame the devil!
How come Steve Perry won’t play live with you anymore? Is it because he is short?
I have long dreamt of such a kind of man,
So surfeit-swell’d, so old, and so profane;
But being awak’d, I do despise my dream.
Do you ever wear pleather on stage? How about around the house?
What, is the jay more precious than the lark
Because his feathers are more beautiful?
Who is a better drummer Ricki Rocket or a sock puppet?
None better than to let him fetch off his drum, which you hear him so confidently undertake to do.
How did your band end up with the starring role in 2 Fast 2 Furious? And what did you do to make Bill O’Reilly so angry?
Can he be angry? I have seen the cannon,
When it hath blown his ranks into the air,
And, like the devil, from his very arm
Puff’d his own brother:—and can he be angry?
Something of moment then: I will go meet him:
There’s matter in’t indeed, if he be angry.
Did Mitt Romney get your permission to use “This Party Sucks” before campaign speeches or did he do that without asking?
O, he is as tedious
As a tired horse, a railing wife;
Worse than a smoky house: I had rather live
With cheese and garlic in a windmill, far,
Than feed on cates and have him talk to me
In any summer-house in Christendom.
That time you toured with so and so. What was that like?
Set you down this;
And say besides, that in Aleppo once,
Where a malignant and a turban’d Turk
Beat a Venetian and traduced the state,
I took by the throat the circumcised dog,
And smote him, thus.
Elderly Man In Makeup To Travel United States Screeching About His Grandmother
Posted in Excessive Cruelty Towards Strangers on July 13, 2014
Get ready America! Starting in October, a man qualified to receive Social Security benefits will travel this great nation howling like a banshee into an inverted cross microphone. That’s right…He’s Back (and hopefully he won’t throw His out)!
He’ll be visiting mostly warm weather climates to avoid a difficult winter, all the while taking advantage of the large number of early bird special meals geared towards persons of his demographic. His mornings will be spent consuming free Econolodge continental breakfasts and soaking himself in a tub of ice in anticipation of having to do the same routine in front of yet another group of awestruck admirers that He wants nothing to do with.
Tickets will, no doubt, be remarkably expensive in order to help Him offset the constant stream of costly doctor visits and potions meant to prolong his time on this condemned, dying planet. Luckily, he’ll be able to dodge the stillness and eternal silence of the grave for a few more years, a fate only slightly more appealing than complete oblivion.
Satan will be the subject of many of the songs that he will mercilessly caterwaul his way through. As most people above the age of seven know, Satan is a quaint, antiquated idea meant to remind people that it is possible that an evil exists that is even more terrifying than our elected government officials.
Notes, once hit by this rock luminary, will be missed with increasing frequency as this once in a lifetime series of concert events painfully marches its way to its conclusion in Austin, Texas. He will once again prove, without a shadow of doubt, that castrato vocals sound much better coming out of the mouth of a pre-pubescent child than a man old enough to be his grandfather.
An eager group of die-hard fans will get the opportunity to drown themselves in an orgy of nostalgia and binge spending on overpriced merchandise, temporarily alleviating the horrifying realities of a world gone completely insane.
They will emerge the next day from a brutal hangover induced by ten-dollar cups of flat beer late to the unfulfilling brutality of their mindless, soul-sucking chosen professions. That is, if they happen to be among the lucky people whose jobs have not be shipped off to a country where it is possible to pay workers less than a dollar a day to produce items that will be consumed and quickly forgotten.
As the lives those able to attend these shows wind to a bitter, meaningless conclusion, they can rejoice in the fact that they participated in an event they can describe to young people who will humor them by feigning attention, all the while worrying whether they have received a new text message in the last twelve seconds.
A great time should be had by all.
Report: Varg Vikernes To Join Israeli Army
Posted in General Weirdness on July 10, 2014
Varg Vikernes fighting to protect the Jewish homeland of Israel? Impossible, some would say. Yet according to a source believed to be Vikernes himself, he plans to do just that.
After years of veiled Holocaust denial and general disdain for Jews, Varg has come full circle and embraced the state of Israel. According to a quote on a message board called “Odinists For Israel”, VargVikernes88 declared “For years, I have thought the state of Israel was a disgrace. Then, I thought about it and realized that I have more in common with them then most so-called Nordic peoples.”
“After all, what group better epitomizes the term “Blood and Soil” more than the Israelis? Kibbutzes, segregation and violence against groups that “threaten” their homeland and way of life. Sign me up!”
Some speculated that the quote wasn’t actually from Varg, but from one of the thousands of Varg impersonators that inhabit the Internet. However, the avatar used by VargVikernes88 was, in fact, a picture of Varg, proving beyond a shadow of doubt that Vikernes was responsible for the posts.
In a post only hours later, VargVikernes88 clarified his earlier remarks by stating “Look, I still find people from other races disgusting and all. But, you gotta admit, the whole Chosen People thing comes awful close to holding yourselves above other races just like a true Odinist would.”
“Allowing valiant warriors who are not afraid to commit war crimes like Ariel Sharon to become leader of the nation. Taking ownership of land and displacing an entire people based on some ancient historical claim!!! What Odinist wouldn’t be deeply moved by these actions?”
“I wish our people were clever enough to imprison an entire group and shell civilian neighborhoods with rockets in order to eliminate enemies in the name of counter terrorism. But we have lost our nerve.”
“The best part is, Israel constantly trumpets its record of democracy for Israelis, all the while limiting the rights of Palestinians. Democratic Fascism! Only a great people could think of such an ingenious way to get away with anything they want.”
“I plan to immigrate there immediately and join in their struggle. Perhaps then I will get a chance to kill more innocent people.”
While only months earlier the French government fined Vikernes for making racist claims on several Internet sites, today they too have come full circle. The French government has decided to award Vikernes “The Charles de Gaulle Medal of Tolerance” reserved for people who strive to support the persecuted around the world.
According to French spokesman, Colonel Jean Mathieu, Varg’s turnaround is “an inspirational story that should prove that any racist can change their lives and become more tolerant as long as they find the right people to oppress.”
Were Major Media Outlets Including Huffington Post Fooled By Halford/Lady Gaga Prank?
Posted in General Weirdness, Uncategorized on June 30, 2014
An Alleged Photograph Of Rob Halford From The Interview With The Huffington Post
A Tyranny of Tradition prank might have claimed yet another series of new victims. Back on April 28th 2014, this website ran an article claiming that the new Judas Priest album, scheduled to come later this year, was a hoax. The album, of course, came out in July. Tyranny simply meant to write satire to confuse and amuse the metal loving masses.
However, this time, things might have gotten out of control.
In a recent interview with The Huffington Post Canada, Rob Halford discussed a possible duet with pop star Lady Gaga. While Halford’s love of Lady Gaga has been known for over four years, there is an eerie similarity between the Tyranny article and the Huffington Post interview conducted days earlier.
In the final paragraph of the Huffington Post article, Halford is quoted as saying, “I’ve been a huge fan of Gaga since she first burst on the scene. I just love everything that lady represents. First and foremost, her voice is extraordinary. I love her voice. She’s an accomplished musician, she plays piano really well, she’s just a great songwriter. And she’s a beacon of hope for a lot of people in the world.”
In the final paragraph of the Tyranny of Tradition article back in April, Halford is falsely quoted as saying “I’ve been her since she first burst on the scene. I just love everything that lady stands for. First and foremost, her voice is extraordinary. She’s an accomplished musician. She plays piano, oboe, zither and tambourine really well. She’s just a great songwriter. And she’s a beacon of hope for a lot of people in the world.”
The interview with Halford has been picked up by many major media sites including The CNN of Heavy Metal Blabbermouth.com. Tyranny of Tradition writer Keith Spillett has not been able to be reached for comment.
The Men From Outer Space
Posted in Existential Rambings on June 24, 2014
“King Christ,this world is all aleak;
and lifepreservers there are none:” -ee cummings
There is no Overman…only an Outerman.
We are The Outerman. They are The Innerman. Made from the same material. Subject to the same illusion. The two share nothing in common beyond circumstance.
The Outerman does not stand above the world of The Innerman, rather we are mired in it. We watch its absurdities not from a distance, but from a terrible proximity.
We bare the scars of The Innerman’s creations. We live in the demented cesspool of their need for acceptance. Adoration that will never come from the other Innermen. They are blind. Each alone in the company of Others. Each pantomiming human form. Each actors on a stage that stretches from dawn till death.
Both The Innerman and The Outerman are prisoners of the same sickening carnival, the only difference between the two is The Outerman recognizes it to be what it is. No superstition can save him. No machine can revive him. He walks to his fate with the dignity and honor of a man who will not accept the debasement of delusion.
The Outerman looks in the mirror and sees a product of alienation. An alien in a world of aliens. A jigsaw piece that does not fit. Awake among dreamers. There is no Hollywood ending for him or anyone else. There is only decay.
The Innerman looks in the mirror and hopes somehow to mold his face to the reflect the blank stare of the other Innermen. He can never get it right no matter how hard he tries. Never fast enough, never strong enough, never smart enough. Everyday he hopes he’ll see a different image in front of him. If he could just find the formula. The Man With The Answer. But there is no Man and there is No Answer.
The Innerman’s world is one of violence. Violence not in the sense of harm towards others (although some choose that path), but a violent ignorance that turns a blind eye to the suffering in their midst. The Cause portion of the equation forgotten. The Effect always a mystery.
“Why do they hate us?” they wonder aloud, never seeing the answer apparent to anyone not forever trapped in fantasy. Violence is the righteousness of the provincial and the tyranny of the obvious. The world of the Innerman is a dream inside of a dream inside of a dream, with a waking nightmare always somewhere in the corner of his eye.
The Innerman is doomed. Even God won’t save him. Why would He bother? He is too busy poisoning children with cancer, creating horrors like ebola and teaching his followers to hate that which makes them human.
He is the God of letting good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. He is not The God of Love, He is The God of Pestilence. The best thing God could be is a fantasy. For if he is not, He is a sadist.
Both The Outerman and The Innerman are bound together. They walk to the same gallows, suffocated by the same rope. The Outerman calls it a hanging. The Innerman calls it salvation.
Rage Against The Machine and Sony Records Declare War on Capitalism
Posted in HEAVY METAL MUST BE DESTROYED on June 18, 2014
Reunited rockers Rage Against The Machine have taken another bold stand against capitalism by re-signing with revolutionary record label Sony. The multinational corporate giant has made no secret of their hatred of consumer capitalism and plan to help Rage Against The Machine lead a worker revolt that will bring the current world order to its knees.
Guitarist Tom Morello announced their act of rebellion only moments after introducing the strongly anti-capitalist rock band Kiss during their induction to the Rock’N’Roll Hall of Fame. Kiss, who has refused to sell their lunchboxes, toys, and tee shirts to anyone who openly opposes the Zapatista revolution in Mexico, plan to release an anti-capitalismcore album called “Rockers of the World Unite” through Sony in the fall.
According to Sony spokesperson George Rockwell, “It is obvious that capitalism has failed. We plan on supporting America’s transition to communism by selling Che Guevara hoodies, Mao Tse-Tung denim jackets and Fidel Castro bobblehead dolls. Let’s face it, the only way to destroy capitalism is by using capitalism to sell products meant to destroy capitalism.”
Morello’s contributions to the revolution have included contributing to the soundtracks of Talladega Nights: The Ricky Bobby Story and The A-Team movie. He and bandmate Zach de La Rocha’s music were also a part of the Trotskyite videogame Guitar Hero. Rage Against The Machine’s vitriolic stand against capitalism in all of its insidious forms has even managed to infect the iPod of former Republican Vice Presidential Nominee Paul Ryan, helping him through many difficult workouts.
Sony’s President Ron Boehner has made no secret of their support for “legends of anti-capitalism like Norm Chomsky and Erma Goldman”. Sony’s corporate vision includes turning all of their factories over to the workers by the year 3071 and helping to open more coal plants to slow the effects of global warming.
Tom Morello’s side project, Rage Against The Washing Machine Sponsored By The Whirlpool Corporation, are known for their rock covers of Pete Seeger and Paul Robeson songs. They are currently touring malls throughout the Midwest.
Manowar: The Undisputed Kings of Comedy
Posted in Excessive Cruelty Towards Strangers on June 13, 2014
In The Hallowed Halls of True Satire, no comic acts have attained the lofty heights that Manowar has reached by accident. Charlie Chaplin, Abbott and Costello, The Three Stooges, Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, George W. Bush….no one is on par with Manowar. It’s not even close.
An odd mixture of Goebellsian fascist imagery, arrested pre-teen angst and Rodgers and Hammerstein, Manowar have created an act that aims to stretch the boundaries of the absurd far beyond their breaking point.
The sheer earnestness with which they fight for a cause that is not really being threatened is breathtaking. They are defenders of a faith that no one has. Protectors of a mythos so silly that it is hard to imagine that they can stand on stage for an hour and a half without breaking into fits of laughter. Yet they soldier on, without a hint of the joke that only they do not get.
If you’ve been to a Manowar show, you know what I’m talking about. What can be said of a band whose claim to fame is playing at a volume so beyond the limits of what the human eardrum can handle that one would think they were part of a secret government conspiracy to infect all metal fans with tinnitus?
When I saw them, every one of the 300 or so fans around me had their fist clasped within their hand waiving it in a salute called “The Sign of The Hammer”. Mussolini couldn’t keep a straight face. Yet somehow, Manowar does.
Joey DeMaio, the band’s bass player and spiritual center, actually came out when I saw them and read this rambling, demented love letter from a fan about the life-changing power of Manowar’s music. Even the most devout, snake-passing evangelical would chuckle at this trick. Yet somehow, Manowar does not.
The case for Manowar as the greatest comedy act is easy to make. Anyone who has listened to them can easily tick off some of the highlights. Who can forget the “letter they wrote to ‘The MTV’ and the Radio (singular)” where they say “What’s going on? Don’t you care about me?” Or the thrity one second note Eric Adams warbles through at the end of “Black Wind, Fire and Steel”?
Try the Manowar drinking game sometime. Listen to their whole discography in order and take a shot every time the words “fire” or “steel” appear in a song. You will be unable to drive halfway through “Battle Hymns”, unable to walk or speak by “Fighting The World” and by the time “Triumph of Steel” comes around, there is a good chance you’ll be in a coma.
If you can’t see the sheer comedic genius in this, the last few pieces of evidence should seal the deal for you.
Exhibit A: “Metal Warriors“
Forget for a moment that they continuously encourage “wimps and posers to leave the hall”. Forget that within the first minute of the song the Disneyesque lyric “there’s magic in the metal, there’s magic in us all” appears.
They build the song to a dramatic verse which ends with the unfathomable words “got to make it louder, all men play on ten, if you’re not into metal, you are not my friend”. In case you missed it the first time, Adams howls the same verse at the top of his lungs only seconds later.
Exhibit B: “Spirit Horse of The Cherokee”
There have been many poignant tributes to the plight of Native Americans. This is not one of them. I’m not sure what kinship Manowar feel with Native Americans. They both have long hair. That’s all I can come up with.
Still, that doesn’t stop Eric Adams from punctuating the chorus with a ridiculous made-up Cherokee war cry without a hint of irony. Or from screaming “Let The White Man Die!!!”.
Are they aware that they are white? Probably not. This is Custer’s Last Stand and they are Sitting Bull and his army of Lakota Warriors. They have taken this bizarro fantasy so far that they are actually capable of believing it.
Exhibit C: “Guyana (Cult of The Damned)”
If you ever want to illustrate Manowar’s talent for ridiculousness to the uninitiated, this is the song to do it with. Long before they were rallying Native Americans to slaughter white men, they managed to write a song meant to highlight the horrors experienced in the 1970s during the mass suicide by Jim Jones’ People’s Temple in an event known as The Jonestown Massacre.
Only Manowar would have the temerity to begin a song about such a somber topic with the line “Thank you for the Kool-Aid, Reverend Jim”. And only Manowar could finish this seven minute catastophe with the haunting words “MOTHER! MOTHER!”
Exhibit D:
Although this article is clearly meant to mock Manowar, it is also meant to be a genuine tribute. They pull this nonsense off seamlessly and with a sense of timing that some of the greatest comics could never match. Few have ever scaled to such imaginary heights. Few have ever soared like eagles to this proverbial “rainbow in the sky”
There is only one Manowar. They are a gift from The Gods of Heavy Metal to remind us of the feats men can achieve when completely detached from reality.
Blue Oyster Cult Members Beat Heckler Into A Coma With Cowbell
Posted in General Weirdness on June 9, 2014
It all started innocently enough with a Saturday Night Live sketch featuring Christopher Walken back in 2000. Since then, the Blue Oyster Cult have been besieged by swarms of people all shouting the same thing “More Cowbell”. At first, the band enjoyed all the attention. “We thought it was hysterical,” said Cult front man Eric Bloom, “we were huge Walken fans and loved the whole cowbell thing.”
As time has worn on, the sheer repetition of the same joke has taken its toll. Bloom cannot go anywhere without hearing the same joke over and over. “I go to the supermarket and am in the frozen food aisle. Some fool runs by me and yells “More Cowbell”. I go to the 10 items or less checkout line…some idiot behind the register yells “Here’s your change….More Cowbell!!!”
“It happens everywhere. I’m at my proctologist the other day and the guy keeps shouting “More Cowbell” during my exam. At funerals, people come up to me as I’m leaning over the casket and shout ‘More Cowbell’.
“We are basically this generation’s Fonzi, with everyone coming up with their thumbs up shouting ‘Ayyyyyyy!’. It’s no wonder Henry Winkler got up on that bell tower and shot all those people.”
“Do you know how many bad Christopher Walken impersonations I’ve heard in the last month? 500 or 600, easily,” said Buck Dharma, the band’s lead guitarist. “We loved the attention at first, but people just won’t stop. The other day, somebody spray-painted “More Cowbell” on our family’s Labrador retriever!”
“Everybody wants to be part of the same joke. Everybody wants to prove they get the same stupid cultural reference. Everybody wants to be laughed at. Everybody should be covered head to toe in boils and left in the sun to rot.”
At a concert on Tuesday night in Akron, Ohio, things got out of control. The audience began screaming “More Cowbell” at the opening act “Yah Mo B There”, a local Michael McDonald cover band. Before Blue Oyster Cult came onstage the crowd chanted “More Cowbell” for nearly an hour. During every single song, the audience howled “More Cowbell” accompanied by raucous laughter.
Bloom was progressively becoming more annoyed. “We are doing ‘Harvester of Eyes’, they kept shouting it. We are doing “Career of Evil”…same thing. “Burnin’ For You”….again and again. Endlessly. We pleaded for them to stop, but they kept going.”
One fan, Zelmo Beaty, shouted the same line in a Christopher Walken voice for the duration of the show nonstop. The band had heard enough. They decided to take action.
They leaped from the stage taking drummer Jules Radino’s cowbell, held Beaty and took turns beating him over the head for five minutes the instrument, Dharma was heard shouting “How funny is it now?!!! You want anymore cowbell?!!!!” as security wrestled the bloodied cowbell from his hand.
Beaty emerged from his coma on several occasions rambling about how funny he thinks Jimmy Fallon is, how much he loved the Hunger Games series and how he thought Miley Cyrus’ public display of twerking was inappropriate.
No charges have been filed against the band by local law enforcement.
According to Akron Sheriff Will Kane, “This sort of violence is not normally tolerated in our community, but in this case, we can really understand. In America, people say the same ten things over and over again. No creativity. No originality. Just the same stupid lines ad nauseum. What The Blue Oyster Cult did was wrong, but can you really blame them?”
The Tyranny of Tradition 