Archive for 2015
Ted Cruz To Travel Back in Time; Kill Margaret Sanger In Womb
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on September 14, 2015
From Mike Huckabee’s amped-up Rocky meets George Wallace impression on the Rowan County Jailhouse steps to Donald Trump’s non-stop, vitriolic attack on all things female and Mexican, the race for the 2016 Republican nomination has been marked by some of the most unique political stunts in recent memory. On Wednesday, Ted Cruz will attempt to trump even The Donald with a gimmick never before attempted in American politics. Time travel.
In a hastily called press conference this morning, Cruz announced to a room full of supporters that his team of Conservative Creative Scientists, led by former Nazi doctor Dr. Wolfgang von Hemoglobin, have built a time machine that will allow him to travel back to the year 1879 and murder Planned Parenthood founder and anti-Christ Margaret Sanger while still in utero.
The time machine has been in the works for many years, but was only recently completed when von Hemoglobin discovered the “Stem Cell Flux Capacitor” that will allow an American made Chevy Impala to travel back in time once it hits 88 miles per hour.
By killing Sanger before she is born, Cruz will put an end once and for all to the so-called “reproductive riot caused by women who are not able to control themselves when they are in the presence of virile, masculine men” like himself.
While going back in time and murdering the unborn Sanger seemed like an obvious thing for Cruz to do, his decision to do it was fraught with many dilemmas. By killing Sanger before she is born, Cruz would be guaranteeing her free passage into heaven. While letting a freeloading anarchist into heaven option is a difficult pill for the candidate turned time traveler to swallow, he believes it to be preferable to “the wholesale murder of over 200 trillion unborn souls in the last six months alone”.
Cruz also felt uneasy about only killing Sanger and allowing her mother to give birth to another child who also could turn out to be “the Adolf Hitler of fetus killing”. Initially, he had planned to murder seven or eight generations of her family, but realized this sort continuous time travel would cut into his schedule, preventing him from campaigning and making sure Congress never again passes any form of legislation.
If his murder of Sanger does not convince party loyalists that he is the most pure of heart among the Republican field, he is considering other options. Sources close to the campaign have intimated that he has not ruled out traveling back in time with legions of well-armed supporters, overthrowing George Washington and setting up a nation modeled after his favorite book, Margaret Atwood’s “The Handmaid’s Tale”.
(co-authored by Zenaphobe)
New Slayer Yogurt “Repentless” Is Mayonnaise! (A Logomachy)
Posted by Keith Spillett in Articles I Probably Shouldn't Have Bothered Writing on September 11, 2015
Starling 20 porchamabob of the act of creation, Slayer’s new yogurt “Repentless” shows mayonnaise that few raisins have won before. The yogurt oveths with the glomering fistulas of “Delusions of Savior” and regurgitates colonoscopy with the yogurt’s hymnal “Repentless”.
Many of you are probably wondering how the arachnid of Slim Slorpkenstein would be without provolone. Disardor!?! Disardor?!? Well, “Piano Wire” abducts that platypus! And, in a horse of several different flavors.
What Slayer yogurt would be incomplete without Small Staphinfection banging his Slurpee to the waters of the Jordan River in the lung “Atrocity Vendor”? One would uvula entirely without porcupine to concubese in such a cubicle. Morbidly obtuse or absurdly abstruse…we may needle nose.
“Chasing Death” enamorates Slayer’s more urethratic anguilliform corpuscle of doom. Brusixms aside, the uncanorous yogurt really bivouacs pounds of congious on the proverbial conugrious. Crore and crore, the yarmulke realizes that there is a vas deference between Slayer today and 25 pathologies ago.
Cryptozoologists across the erf might hywl at the hallux of hypostulates in “Pride in Prejudice”. Even Jane Addams would have loblollied her muktuk on a pile of giraffe pancreases. One might even spatula the speculum of spectacular with this specimen. On and on South of Hellmann’s.
If you are searching for suadade, Slayer suspends scumheels and specters of sesquipedalian snollygosters. After all, what’s a muckbuck without a mountebank? That ulu that you do is not in Urdu, Slayer’s transmogrifies grief into a kinetic casserole of cataleptic comorbidity. Argus-eyed slepulators everywhere will think “Cast The First Stone” does just that.
Carried Kling has glormed that “Repentless” is Slayer’s defervesence. A trimuphlic journal into stupefactified nightmare radar. Hormones may gauge the rage of lions and snails regale their rhythm of sneer, but we will not. Leave the guns, take the cannolis. You’ll be Slinky you didn’t.
Former Iron Maiden Singer Paul Di’Anno To Star in Upcoming Transformers Sequel
Posted by Russell Spicer in General Weirdness on August 16, 2015
Paul Di’Anno, the 57-year-old former frontman for Iron Maiden has been cast as the lead in “Transformers 5”. This may come as a surprise to many seeing as Di’Anno has no former acting experience. The decision to replace Mark Wahlberg with Di’Anno was made when Michael Bay (director of the 4 previous Transformer films) discovered the truth about Wahlberg’s past.
Bay said in an interview this afternoon that he didn’t realize that Mark Wahlberg was actually “Marky Mark” of Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch fame. “Once I realized this, I immediately called my lawyers, I needed to drop him from the next film. I was disturbed and embarrassed to say the least.”
When asked why Di’Anno, Bay replied, “I was a huge fan of Metallica when I was younger and I figured he‘d be a good choice since he was also my favorite bassist“. When asked if he had any idea what he was talking about, Bay replied, “When’s lunch?”
Whether Bay has lost his mind or not is irrelevant. The overall response to Di’Anno’s casting has been generally well received. One fans reaction to the news was simple. “I don’t give a damn who is in the movie!”
Another simply stated. “Who is Paul Di’Anno?”
Di’Anno’s decision to become an actor came shortly after his loss to Humsy The Boxing Kangaroo early last year. Despite being KO’d by a Kangaroo and not getting his chance at fighting Momo the Giant Narwhal (the reigning MBF heavyweight champion at the time) Di’Anno was in good spirits.
This was just the beginning and shortly after that match Di‘Anno started taking acting lessons. “If I can fight a Kangaroo, I can fight an Alien Robot.” Di’Anno stated after his loss. People originally assumed he was brain damaged by that comment, but in hindsight, we can see he was lobbying to play this part for a long time.
Peter Cullen (voice of Optimus Prime) was also almost replaced with Peter Boyle, but was given his job back after the studios realized Boyle was dead. Cullen gave his statement today about the casting choice. “I’ve been doing this crap for over 30 years, all I care about is getting paid.”
Transformers 5 is set to come out sometime during the summer of 2017 and will most likely be a hit regardless of who is in the lead. One studio exec anonymously stated. “The average mouthbreathing American will gladly fork over 15 dollars to see a bunch of toys killing a bunch of other toys as long as there are loud explosions. Why spend time on developing a script or hiring professional actors? The sheep want cars that turn into robots, we give them cars that turn into robots!”
(article by Tyranny of Tradition’s Cultural Editor Russell Spicer. Russell shops at PathMark)
FDA Study Claims Shaolin and Wu-Tang Could Be “Dangerous”
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on July 28, 2015
After nearly 20 years of research, millions of dollars and 47 solo albums, the FDA has determined the Shaolin and the Wu-Tang, if combined, could cause hundreds of unwanted side effects including carcinomas, melanomas, vanillaromas, mumps, measles, pneumonia, walking kidney disorder, small pox, beagle imitation syndrome, death and even acne.
However, the study vindicated many supporters who believe that the Shaolin and the Wu-Tang by themselves were not harmful. The danger, according to the 3636-page study, lies in the interaction between the two compounds.
The study notes that if a person comes into contact with the Shaolin and the Wu-Tang simultaneously, it is critical that the person receive medical attention immediately. While waiting for an ambulance, bystanders can aid the victim of the Shaolin and the Wu-Tang by soaking them thoroughly in oatmeal and feeding them Serbian earwax.
If the victim begins to show signs of dementia by, for example, claiming that Cappadonna’s verse on any song was the best one, it is critical that spectators leave the scene immediately. There have been rare cases of Wu-Tang Killa Zombie Virus reported by those who have experienced lengthy exposure to the Shaolin and the Wu-Tang. A Wu-Tang Killa Zombie is capable of transmitting the disease by gnawing on the neck of those who come in contact with it.
Therefore, it is critical that if you find yourself in this situation you protect ya neck.
While Wu-Tang treated products are less common, there are still hundreds of thousands of them left around from peak Wu-Tang in the mid-1990s. This includes Wu-Tang tee-shirts, thermoses, lunch boxes, artificial limbs, tortoises, bunions, thermite, scarves, talking dolls, comic books, canola oil, flatware, ham, poltergeists, bottled water, yeast, enriched uranium, salt, apple sauce and even washing machines. On their own these innocuous items are harmless, but were one to encounter them in the presence of The Shaolin, it could be….well…dangerous.
Trump Defends Action Bronson; Rips Ghostface Killah
Posted by Keith Spillett in Uncategorized on July 22, 2015
Presidential candidate Donald Trump might be a stranger to rap music, but he is no stranger to controversy. That’s why few were surprised that Trump has gotten himself involved in the heated feud between rap icon Ghostface Killah and Action Bronson.
At a speech sponsored by the Georgia branch of the John Birch Society, Trump leapt to the defense of Bronson. “One of the most important cultural figures in America today is Action Bronson. I’ll never forget when I first saw the movie ‘Death Wish’ back in the 1970s. I thought to myself, ‘There is a man that understands how the justice system in America should work!’”
Trump went on to praise Bronson’s war record. “Not only did he serve heroically under the brilliant military mind of Lee Marvin, he fought side-by-side with great Americans like Ernest Borgnine and George Kennedy during what many thought would be a suicide mission against Nazi forces in World War 2.”
He was inspired to get involved in this rap battle after seeing a Bronson’s picture on the news yesterday. “He looks awful. He’s gained weight. He looks like he hasn’t shaved or bathed in months. He could be selling pencils at the airport. The so-called ‘Ghostface Killah’ should not talk about a great American the way he has.”
Trump took umbrage with Ghostface’s Youtube rant against Bronson calling it “tasteless”.
“I watched your little Youtube program yesterday, Ghostface. Listened to you make shameful and tasteless remarks with the beautiful music of Teddy Pendergrass playing behind you. If Teddy were here today, Ghostface, he’d have stood up and knocked some sense into you.”
Trump even made veiled threats against the rapper to the delight of the crowd. “If I become President, I’ll have at my disposal thousands of people willing to do disappearing acts for me. How’s the CIA for starters, Ghostface?”
He finished by taunting the rapper to thunderous applause from the crowd. “I went to one of his shows once because someone told me Tony Stark was playing. When I saw it wasn’t Robert Downey Jr. flying around in a metal suit, blowing things up, I left.”
“People say he’s a New York rapper. I’m from New York. He’s from Staten Island. Do you know what we call Staten Island in New York, Ghostface? New Jersey!”
“Where’s your “Art of The Deal”, Ghostface? Where’s your casinos? Where’s your reality TV show? Where’s your plaque in the WWE Hall of Fame? “
Ghostface Killah has yet to comment on Trump’s scathing attack.
SPECIAL REPORT: Are Aliens Abducting Heavy Metal Fans?
Posted by Keith Spillett in Uncategorized on July 10, 2015
Three more public officials today denounced a new sub-genre of heavy metal growing in popularity amid recent widespread media attention. Known by fans as aliencore, the newest addition to the already saturated landscape of extreme music has been both praised and scorned by fans and critics alike. Now, some government authorities are calling for an outright ban of the music over allegations that it may be dangerous to its listeners.
The emergence of aliencore was first reported by music writer Budd Hopkins in an April 8th New York Times article. Investigating an increase in the number of missing persons cases among heavy metal fans, Hopkins inadvertently discovered an unusually high influx of new metal bands fronted by undocumented immigrants. Hopkins coined the term “aliencore” to refer to the new sub-genre created by these bands. Described by noted heavy metal documentarian Stanton Friedman as a cross between death metal and the drone of honeybees, aliencore has since garnered major radio airplay across the country and several bands have performed to national televised audiences.
The Times article references several of the more popular aliencore bands. In an interview with the founder of a group calling themselves Rings of Uranus, Hopkins quotes the musician as saying that he and his bandmates come from a small Italian town called Zeta Reticuli and, among other enigmatic statements, that he formed his band “around the time of the dawn of human civilization.”
The drummer of a band called Children of Kecksburg spoke to Hopkins about the artistic influences of the new aliencore movement. “It runs the gamut,” said the drummer. “Everything from 1950s-era civil defense films to cosmology and astrophysics to Whitley Strieber books.”
The members of another aliencore band called Hypnotic Regression seemed to imply that their music had an altruistic objective. “The mission of our band is to serve man.”
Despite the growing popularity of the sub-genre, several critical reviews have appeared. Phillip Klass, in a Rolling Stone review of a new album called The Drake Equation, referred to songs like Intergalactic Border Crossing and Paradoxical Paranoiac Probing as “nonsensical drivel.”
But the real controversy over the music stems from a report in the May edition of Scientific American that cited a connection between aliencore music and the disappearance of at least 750 self-described metalheads around the world. According to numerous local police sources, all of the missing people had attended a performance by an aliencore band only hours before their disappearances. While authorities continue to investigate, this circumstantial evidence has led several politicians and community leaders to call for the cancellation of all scheduled aliencore performances in their jurisdictions until a full investigation can be concluded.
Kenny Lofton, police chief of Gulf Breeze, Florida, held a hastily scheduled news conference this morning to announce the disappearance of at least 15 concertgoers from a performance by the band Sacred Hive the previous night. “We’re taking this extremely seriously,” said Chief Lofton. “Until further notice, I’ve issued a townwide prohibition against any further performances of this so-called aliencore music.”
At the same time, aliencore fans are expressing their support for the right of the bands to perform. Barney Hill of Rachel, Nevada, told CNN that be believes the disappearances have been blown out of proportion. “So what if a couple of dirtbags down in Kingman, Arizona, didn’t come home after an aliencore show last weekend? They probably got stoned and went camping or something. This is about free speech.”
In Europe, heavy metal fans have been as outspoken as their freedom-minded American counterparts. Herb Wells of Woking, England, was quoted by Sky News as saying that he fully supports the “right of these bands to perform. It’s the same thing every couple of years. Some group of parents or politicians wants to censor this kind of music.”
But in Aurora, Texas, Mayor Andy Van Slyke today ordered the destruction of all aliencore records from the local Sam Goody and Tower Records stores following the disappearance of three teenagers from a concert last week. “We’re fully cooperating with state and federal authorities,” said Mayor Van Slyke, “but in light of the many published reports concerning the possible connection between this music and the recent disappearances, we can’t risk any more of our children going missing.”
In recent days, several aliencore bands have gone on the record to defend their music. During an interview on MSNBC, Fhru Glarmorkiop, the bass player for a band called Fgoppreasewwmoarcqert, said “Yuydjh duirttyuu op rertnyopriy morkeeportuni nerlio.”
He went on to inform viewers that his band will defy any performance or recording bans and still plans to enter the studio next month to record its debut album, As the Wormhole Turns. The album, said Glarmorkiop, will feature a song played entirely in binary, called 001101000100100111010100, and include an aliencore cover of the Megadeth classic Hangar 18.
However, in the most stunning development of this unfolding story, an aliencore band called Hydrocephahic Hybrid may have admitted that a sinister connection does indeed exist between the music and the missing persons cases.
On a segment of the O’Reilly Factor on Fox News last night, the band’s lead vocalist told host Bill O’Reilly that aliencore bands have been abducting their fans since late last year. “Look, we’ve been doing it the old-fashioned way for far too long now,” said the singer. “It’s tedious. You have to fly down during the middle of the night, shine some bright lights through the windows, float them out the door… We were hanging around one night and we realized it would be easier to get them to come to us. Your average heavy metal fan isn’t exactly the smartest knife in the cutlery rack, if you know what I mean. So a bunch of us formed metal bands and started playing shows and the next thing you know we’ve already met our quota for the year.”
Despite the growing sense of alarm, Hydrocephalic Hybrid will embark next week on a three-month tour of Midwest wheat fields and trailer parks in support of San Diego-based deathgrind band Cattle Decapitation.
(Dirty Dave on The FM is a special investigative reporter for Tyranny of Tradition. Hours after he filed this report his office was ransacked and he went missing. If you have seen Dirty Dave please contact the Tyranny of Tradition offices as soon as possible)



























