In a sign of President Barack Obama’s increased isolation and mental instability, he announced yesterday that Kiss frontman and star of the Oscar nominated Rutger Hauer film “Wanted: Dead or Alive” will take over the position of Surgeon General vacated by Regina Benjamin early last year. The appointment comes days after his appointment of Poison drummer Rikki Rockett to the position of Attorney General.
Conservative leader Ted Cruz responded to the appointments by claiming Obama was part of a vast left-wing conspiracy to turn the United States from “capitalism to glam-unism”.
Sources close to the President have voiced concern about his recent schizotypal fixation with Kiss. His bizarre appearance at a recent fundraiser for Georgia Senatorial candidate Michelle Nunn while dressed in Peter Criss kitten makeup has been cited as a sign of his mental deterioration. While rumors earlier this week that he planned on naming Ace Frehley head of the Joint Chiefs’ of Staff because of his work with the Kiss Army were unfounded, many pundits have speculated that Obama is nearing a “complete break with reality”.
Obama, who recently endorsed a horse named “Love Gun” in the race for Republican Pat Roberts’ Senate seat in Kansas, has been seen wandering the hallways of the White House during the middle of the night while singing songs off of the 1984 Kiss album “Animalize”.
Although the Simmons decision has called into question Obama’s sanity, some experts believe that this move is actually a stroke of genius. Former Surgeon General C. Everrett Koop rose from his grave on Sunday morning to endorse Simmons as “America’s only hope to stop the spread of Ebola”.
Other commentators have noted that while the decision is reminiscent of the final days of Caligula’s reign in Rome, the nomination of Simmons was meant to be an olive branch to Republicans. Simmons has all the marks of a politician acceptable to today’s Republican Party. His unfailing narcissism, ability to grab headlines by saying things that are meant to provoke the public into drooling fits of rage and general lack of knowledge of how government actually functions are all thought to be positive traits among rank-in-file conservatives.
Simmons, who was recently named to Rolling Stone’s list of the greatest living average bass players, immediately accepted the position in an interview on Fox News minutes after his phone call from the President.
According to Simmons, “If my knowledge of infectious disease has kept me clean after 460,000 intimate relationships with the opposite sex, I think I may be the guy you want to talk to when an outbreak rocks the nation.”
Simmons, who has been dubbed “The God of Plunder” by several media outlets, announced the “Kiss Ebola Goodbye Initiative” during the interview. The program will involve the government purchasing 1.4 billion dollars worth of Kiss merchandise along with all of the remaining issues of Gene’s short-lived men’s lifestyle magazine “Tongue” in order to help curb the outbreak of the deadly disease.
“I’m glad folks think I look different,” the 45-year-old Academy Award winner told People after she became a trending topic on Twitter, some blogs deemed her “unrecognizable,” and there was speculation that she underwent plastic surgery. “I’m living a different, happy, more fulfilling life, and I’m thrilled that perhaps it shows.”
The Katy, Texas, native, who picked up an Oscar for 2004’s Cold Mountain, says that her new look is due to her new life. Her last movie to hit the big screen was 2010’s My Own Love Song. But she’s been enjoying life and love, dating guitarist and producer Doyle Von Frankenstein since 2012.
“My friends say that I look peaceful. I am healthy,” the Bridget Jones’s Diary star said. “For a long time I wasn’t doing such a good job with that. I took on a schedule that is not realistically sustainable and didn’t allow for taking care of myself. Rather than stopping to recalibrate, I kept running until I was depleted and made bad choices about how to conceal the exhaustion. I was aware of the chaos and finally chose different things.”
Now, she’s making better choices, saying, “I did work that allows for being still, making a home, loving someone, learning new things, growing as a creative person and finally growing into myself.”
Zellweger, who was recently arrested for attacking and eating a stray dog in Central Park, was seen last Friday at a benefit to raise money for the debilitating effects of skin wrinkles on the careers of aging actresses. Her Grim Reaper cover band “See You In Rock You To (All) Hell Let Loose” will be touring the Europe in the Spring.
“People don’t know me in my 40s,” said Zellweger. “People don’t know the new healthy me. Perhaps I look different. Who doesn’t as they get older?! Ha. But I am different. I’m happy.”
The greatest band in the known universe is going on tour. Again. After Iron Maiden concludes their highly awaited “Numbing of The Beast 2014 Tour” they plan to go back out on the road and play the worst songs from their nearly 35-year catalogue. According to singer Bruce Dickinson, “Iron Maiden has always been on the cutting edge of heavy metal. What is more cutting edge then making people pay 115 dollars to see a bunch of songs that they can’t stand?!?”
Maiden plans to dust off some of the most cringe inducing songs from their catalog including Weekend Warrior, Holy Smoke, Chains of Misery, 2 AM, The Apparition and Blood On The World’s Hands. They plan to open with Hooks in You, a song so bad that it has been linked to the self-immolation of 12 Tibetan monks over the past 5 years.
In the hopes to incite the audience into riot-like fits of rage they plan on playing Sheriff of Huddersfield, Roll Over Vic Vella and Nodding Donkey Blues, three b-sides they have never bothered to play live before. They plan on closing the set with Bring Your Daughter…To The Slaughter, the song that won them the Razzie for Worst Song from a Movie in 1989 (from A Nightmare on Elm Street: Part 5).
In keeping with their more “progressive” recent style of song writing, they plan to keep every song to a minimum of eight minutes long. Instead of adding intricate soloing or creating a novel new arrangement, they will simply repeat the same chorus over and over for five additional minutes per song. If the audience has not ingested full vats of cyanide laced Kool-Aid by the middle of the show, the 19-minute a cappella version of The Angel and The Gambler should push them over the edge.
What could possibly top that setlist? How about an encore where they play the entire Final Frontier album. Twice. Along with a 12-minute Bruce Dickinson monologue about the joys of flying backed by Janick Gers playing harmonica. It will be a night few will soon forget.
The band plans on releasing a Least of The Beast album featuring their worst songs in tandem with the tour. They also will be releasing six new DVDs in the next year, including Bus 666 disc detailing the bands trip through Central Florida on a Greyhound Bus back in 1981 and Meal 666, where the audience can have the rare treat of watching Bruce Dickinson eat a steak dinner. Nap 666, featuring Dave Murray sleeping for two hours, is scheduled for release in 2017.
Heavy metal legend Glenn Danzig is currently working on an album of covers of classic Elvis Presley songs. Danzig, who is referred to by many as Black Elvis both for his dark, Elvis-like voice and his love of New York City Hip Hop icon “Kool Keith” Thornton, has been planning to do an album in homage to the King of Rock and Roll for many years. In 2015, the album will become a reality.
Danzig, who began his singing career at age 12 as an Elvis out front of a Shoprite supermarket in Lodi, New Jersey, has modeled much of his look, attitude and trademark lip curl after Elvis. He even considered wearing a tight-fitting sequin jumpsuit during a concert in Toledo, Ohio in 1993 in tribute to his idol, but was forced to change back into a mesh shirt and black jeans by local officials who were concerned about the “hypnotizing, potentially mind-altering effect of his protruding pectoral muscles” on women in attendance.
There are literally thousands of Elvis cover albums out, but Danzig plans to cover many of the lesser-known songs by the legendary crooner. “Everyone does “Suspicious Minds” and “Jailhouse Rock”. Glenn wanted to reflect a larger body of the King’s work,” said Danzig spokesman Larry Wainwright.
Danzig plans to re-record “It Ain’t My Fault”, a B-side of the single “Hound Dog”. That song was later popularized in the late 1990s by hip-hop legends Silkk The Shocker and Mystikal. He also has created a medley of “Whomp! There It Is!/Dayzee Dukes/C’mon ‘N Ride It (Da Train)”, recorded in 1974 on The King’s oft-forgotten “Shake Dat Thang, Heffa” album.
A rumor that Sunn O))), Slash and Linda Ronstadt would be joining him for a stirring rendition of “Lawdy Miss Clawdy” has been confirmed by several anonymous sources close to Danzig. A collaboration between Danzig, Cat Stevens, Doyle Von Frankenstein, Julie Andrews, Suffocation and Jimmie “JJ” Walker, star of the 1970’s television show “Good Times”, on the song “I Forgot To Remember To Forget” is also being considered.
Reports are sketchy on what other songs might be covered, but several websites have speculated that Elvis songs like “Breadfan”, “Stone Cold Crazy” and “Die Die My Darling” will be on the record.