Deathspell Omega Sues Ministry of Magic

Deathspell Omega conducting a witchhunt last year. (Photo: Bozo)

Deathspell Omega conducting a witchhunt last year (Photo: Bozo)

POITIERS, France — Bible metal group Deathspell Omega filed a lawsuit against the Ministry of Magic (MOM) for trademark infringement Sunday afternoon.

In a strongly worded sermon delivered at the Post-Christ Church of Blackened Genesis today morning, Deathspell Omega alleged that the MOM, for an improved version of the infamous Killing Curse, has stolen their name.

“It’s ludicrous, the Ministry of Magic has no right to call their new Killing Curse ‘Deathspell Omega’,” the French group said.

“The likelihood for confusion among Muggles and Wizards is high. Just yesterday, two teenage witches walked in during our service, thinking that it was a mass exercise on how to use the improved Killing Curse!”

Under the Madrid Protocol of 1989, to which France and the UK acceded, trademarks registered in any member country automatically gains protection in other member countries, too.

But this only applied to Muggle societies.

After the tragic Second Wizarding War, which claimed multiple Muggle and Wizard lives from 1997 to 1998, diplomatic relations between Muggle and Wizarding societies have vastly opened up. And the Madrid Protocol was revised to also apply to Wizarding societies of member countries.

When contacted, a MOM spokesman said that the Ministry is aware of the lawsuit, and has hired Muggle lawyers to represent them in court.

“It is the first time we have encountered such a peculiarly Muggle problem, so it’s only natural that we have hired the relevant Muggle professionals to assist us,” said the spokesman who wished to remain anonymous.

He added that “Deathspell Omega” was suggested as the name for the improved Killing Curse — a life-extinguishing flash of light coloured blue instead of green to induce calmness before death — by a MOM marketing communications intern to give the curse a “classy” feel. The name also phonetically dissociates the curse from its previous green variant, known as “Avada Kedavra”, that was widely abused by Dark Wizards such as Voldemort during the ’90s.

Responding to queries about the morality of improving the Killing Curse, the MOM spokesman said “Deathspell Omega” is a humane tool meant to be used on death row inmates at Azkaban Prison who opt out of the Dementor’s Kiss scheme.

Deathspell Omega’s lawsuit, which is the first of its kind, has drawn attention from Muggle lawyers.

DLA Piper lawyer Parry Hotter, 30, said that the lawsuit would likely set a dangerous precedent for current tort law governing both Muggle and Wizarding societies.

“Note that ‘Deathspell Omega’ is not actually a registered trademark, but a well known mark,” said Hotter. “So under the Paris Convention for the Protection of Intellectual Property 1883, bible metal group Deathspell Omega can only appeal to the tort of passing off to argue their case. But even then, it’s debatable whether or not an underground group like them is ‘well known’ to Muggles, let alone Wizardkind.”

Hotter added, “If Deathspell Omega wins, numerous bands that sound like spells would try to sue Wizards who name spells after them by accident. And if the MOM wins, bands like Deathspell Omega whom coincidentally have dangerous spells named after them would probably get boycotted by moronic Wizards and Muggles in a hurry, or be conveniently banned by right-wing Muggle government officials.”

Echoing Hotter’s sentiment, Deathspell Omega expressed censorship worries at the end of their sermon.

“What if the Muggle governments, French or not, restrict or halt circulation of our compositions, thinking that they are audiobooks that teach people how to use the improved Killing Curse?”

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Supreme Court Rules Man Has Right To Marry Vinyl Copy of Dokken’s “Tooth and Nail”

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When 49-year-old Charlie Ronce first heard Dokken’s seminal metal record “Tooth and Nail”, he knew loved it. Now, thanks to a 5-4 decision by the United States Supreme Court, he has the right to marry it.

As predicted by conservative pundits and politicians, the Supreme Court’s decision to allow gay marriage has opened the floodgates to all sorts of marriages between men and inanimate objects. In Paraphiliacs United vs. Cleaver, the court ruled that Ronce and any other depraved weirdo can do whatever the hell they want, anytime they want, to anything to they want without facing any repercussions whatsoever.

Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote the landmark decision, which has cleared the way for an orgy of godless, disgraceful acts that will bring a quick, painful end to the existence of the United States of America. “No love is more profound than the love of a man for whatever gets him off.  Now, go do whatever sick, disgusting stuff comes to mind without regard to decency or hygiene. It is so ordered,” wrote Kennedy in words that will forever embolden perverts everywhere.

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Ronce’s courtship of “Tooth and Nail” began when he purchased the album at a Sam Goody in Yonkers, New York in 1985. He casually dated the album at first, still having relations with other albums including Kix “Blow My Fuse” and Sleeze Beez “Screwed, Blued and Tattooed”. However, by the 1990s, he found himself connecting to “Tooth and Nail” on a spiritual level and wanted to demonstrate his deep, abiding commitment to it.

He proposed to his copy of the album on a trip to Hawaii in 1994 after Don Dokken himself autographed it in the Honolulu Airport.   Ronce then began his mission to have a court somewhere in America sanction his fetishistic love of the record. Today, his struggle for the right to do something that no sane person would really ever bother trying to do has been validated.

Antonin Scalia

Conservative Justice Antonin Scalia wrote a scathing dissent, but was unable to read it because police detained him after he leaped across the bench and lunged at Justice Kennedy’s throat with a penknife.   Scalia’s opinion contained nearly 50 references to the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, talked at length about how much he hated the song “Just Got Lucky” and ended with the words “Drop The Bomb – Exterminate Them All!” scrawled in blood at the bottom of the page.  Scalia was released later in the day on his own recognizance.

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To Compete With Google’s “Unsend”, Apple Unveils Innovative ”Unlisten”

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While many may have been taken aback by the recent news that Apple’s new streaming service “Apple Music” will not be paying its artists during its three-month pilot period, and shocked by the announcement that they’ll now be paying artists a voucher for a free Denny’s Grand Slam per 10 million streams, and were perhaps even more uproarious about the more recent announcement that the 500 least-streamed artists on this platform will be hunted and killed by Apple’s patented T-800 robots at the end of the three-month trial, even those with the most disdain for the multi-billion dollar monolith were on their knees in worship at the reveal of their newest feature, the memory-wiping “Unlisten”.

Inspired by Google’s new feature, “Unsend”, which allows users to recant emails after sending them, Apple Unlisten’s open beta launched last Sunday, June 21st. Those who sign up for the “Unlisten” open beta will have access to an extensive database of every single song and artist they’ve ever listened to in their life, and, at the click of a mouse, users will have the ability to have any song they’ve ever listened to wiped from their memory, erasing any catchy lyrics, instrumentation, and fondest childhood memories of the dear friend that turned them onto the song that may still be lingering in their head.

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“We thought it’d be a great idea,” Apple Music CEO Craig Jonas said in a press release. “One of my colleagues came into the office one day and said, ‘Man, did you hear that new Shinedown single? Man, what I wouldn’t give to unlisten to that monstrosity.’ We just stared at each other in amazement at the idea we had just birthed.”

“While we probably shouldn’t be surprised by how easily our users have been willing to give up their social security number, credit card information, name of their hometown, brain scans, and a strand of their hair for us to be able to acquire this information about them, like damn, just how much do these people trust us?”

Listeners have voiced their unanimous excitement at this innovative new feature.

“I think it’ll come in handy,” says Andy Johnston, 20. “Now the next time one of my douche friends links me the latest Rebecca Black song on my Facebook timeline, I can know that I can listen to it without being left with battle scars.”

“I’m absolutely thrilled,” Mark “The Bloodied” James, 27, told us in between his daily animal sacrifices. “Now all my fellow metalhead friends can’t shame me for liking that latest Charli XCX album, because now thanks to Unlisten, I can just forget that that album ever existed.”

We recently reached out to Mark again for further comment after testing Apple Unlisten, and his paranoid, stammered-out response simply went, “Who are you? Who am I? What have you done to me?”

(contributed by guest correspondent Jess Casebeer from Northwest Music Scene)

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An unInterview With Eviscerated Panda Writer Sarah Tipper

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Sarah Tipper is a writer who happens to write.  Books, no less!  Good ones, too.  She is a pioneer in the art of heavy metal fiction.  She also has the power of flight and can make leopards disappear by staring at them for seven consecutive hours.  She has spent the last eleven hours wearing socks on her ears.

Me:  There has been a number of complaints from the Panda community about your use of the band name Eviscerated Panda in your work. Several pandas at the Atlanta Zoo have refused to eat bamboo for the past two months until you agree to change the name of the band to something like Eviscerated Squid or Devitalized Orangutan. How do you respond to the charges of “panda-sploitation” that have been leveled at you by the Panda community?

Her:  It’s only a very small (but very vocal) part of the panda community that isn’t keen on the name. Most of the pandas I’ve spoken to love the name, they feel it raises their profile and lends weight to the argument that they need conservation. I’ve even had a letter from pandas in Scotland asking if they can name their thrash metal band Eviscerated Panda. That’s going to be one furry mosh pit just as soon as a venue is brave enough to book them.

There’s a rumour that the Atlanta pandas had my books dropped into their enclosure by Tipper Gore, who then rabble roused them into taking action (which is no mean feat so I’ve got to give her credit for that, you ever tried to get a panda organized to protest? They’re not the most dynamic guys on the block. As for them not eating, just you check out the (imaginary) CCTV footage around three a.m. every morning. She’s sneaking bamboo flavor Marshmallow fluff sandwiches in to them.

Tipper Gore is no relation to me and I don’t condone the use of my surname as a first name.

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Me:  Do you feel like your third novel, Eviscerated Panda-Vulgar Display of Panda, was a new level for you as a writer?

Her:  I’m glad you asked and since the most obvious way to answer this question would be with every Pantera track on Vulgar Display of Power I’m going to answer it with every track on Danzig’s debut album.

By the time I wrote my third book, Vulgar Display of Panda, heavy metal fiction had me in it’s possession until the end of time. It felt sometimes like my inspiration was not of this world and, with my soul on fire I was the hunter of pleasant things (mainly cookies) and evil things to lay before my readers. I included the occasional twist of cain-like naughtiness from my character Victor and told the tale of the approval hungry character Suzy (the insatiable band manager). She rides and then asks herself “Am I demon?”

My mother was very supportive and reminded me that as a child I’d written a poem about a holiday to Bognor Regis (an English sea side town). This has been lost but I sometimes still wonder what rhymes with Bognor Regis.

And now I’ll answer this question with every track on Vulgar Display of Power. Pow! That’s just how flexible I am as a writer. It’s like I’m doing yoga with words. Writing Vulgar Display of Panda was indeed a new level. This love I have for heavy metal and for writing is something regular people might not understand. Every morning when I rise and walk to work, it’s no good trying to quiet the clamor of characters in my head, using their mouth for war, or fornicating hostile (phew! Kept it clean). Without writing I feel hollow and might as well live in a hole. I’m happy to have the compulsion to write, if you can choose your demons to suit you, then by demons be driven.

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Me:  In your latest novel, The Mega Metal Diary of Cleo Howard, the main character is 16? Have you ever been 16? If so, how did it influence your writing?

Her:  I’ve been sixteen briefly. I’d have liked to have been sixteen for longer to help with the writing process but it was a busy time in my life so I only stuck at it for ten months. I did think about going back and having another go for research purposes but there was nothing on wikiHow to help. Nothing! Can you believe that? In a parallel universe I told Stevie Nicks about my struggle to give sixteen the time it deserved. In this universe she wrote Edge Of Seventeen. Coincidence? Yes, very probably.

Me:  Also, how old is 16 in English years?

Her:  To calculate English years simply add 2 to your US years, so 16 in English years is 18 in US years. The only exception to this is if you are appearing in “Saved By The Bell”, then in England we must add 5 years to your US years to calculate English years.

Me:  In a hallucination I had earlier today, book critic Dwight Garner of The New York Times called you the “Rudyard Kipling of heavy metal fiction writers who mention pandas in the title of their books”. Do you think he’s accurate?

Her:  I’ve been called a lot of things since I started writing the heck out of heavy metal fiction including The Jackie Collins of the Riff.

Your hallucinatory Garner is broadly correct and correctly broad. I am much like old Rudders Kippers as I like to call him. Do you like Kipling? I don’t know, I’ve never Kippled, is something English people say all the time. Great moustache that Kipling guy, really sterling top lip work, sadly overshadowed by his writing. Also, Garner has such a lovely smile for a critic, really warm and friendly. Also, I once saw a picture of him on the internet holding a cat, but it turned out not to be him, but I bet he’s still a really nice guy.

Recently, scientists have speculated that human beings evolved from flying monkey-like creatures that descended on the planet from Pluto in the early 19th century. How do you think your writing will evolve in the next thousand years?

I’ve got medium sized plans for the next thousand years. I could have had big plans but I got distracted by listening to Manowar on the day I’d set aside for planning the next thousand years (Thanks a bunch DeMaio! Your anthemic metal offerings delivered from within the hairiest of pants could have cost me an amazing career).

Eventually novelists and musicians will just beam books and songs straight into the minds of the audience (U2 are (allegedly) working on this right now). Some traditionalists will still want paper books and CDs. I’m going to buy new pens around 2325 because I’ve calculated that all ink in pens now will have dried up by then. Future book covers will have more foil and PVC on them and come with free gifts, like a robot to read aloud to you, or stickers, people like stickers.

If you were only allowed to use one word for the rest of your life (you could say it or write it as much as you want, but you could only use that one word), which word would it be? And how would it affect your style as a writer?

 I’m too promiscuous with language to ever commit to one word and my favorite word changes all the time. It was spoon a minute ago, now it’s ambrosia. I’ve had a very public falling out with the word nice for trying to appear too frequently (it’s like the Kardashian of adjectives, always wanting more publicity). I’m also not enamored of the phrase “he thought to himself” because you have to think to yourself, you’d be telepathic if you were thinking to someone else.

I’m currently trying to invent a word that contains all 26 letters of the alphabet.

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I’m not a very good interviewer and I want people to actually know about the great stuff you are doing, so I’m just going to shut the hell up at this point and actually let you talk about your work, which is probably more interesting than the question I was going to ask you about whether you’ve ever eaten a moose before…

I heard you got a certificate of merit from the association for interviewers that don’t ask the obvious dull questions but it got lost in the post. Also, in a future book I write, all five members of Eviscerated Panda have small tattoos on their buttocks so that when they drop trou and line up it reads “Keith Spillett Is A Great Interviewer”. They only have small tattoos because large ones wouldn’t be believable.

I’ve eaten chocolate mousse and lemon mousse, mmm…one so sweet, and one so tangy, (oh, sorry moose, no but I once dated a guy with antlers, anyway that’s a story for another day…)

I’ve written six books of heavy metal fiction and have achieved a small and delightful cult following, mainly in England but also in the US and Canada.

Two of my books are diaries, covering 1997 and 1998. If you are ready to relive your teenage angst, plus doing all the truly exciting stuff for the first time with the backdrop of the late nineties metal scene then these books are for you.

Four of my books are about Eviscerated Panda, a thrash band struggling for success. I don’t focus only on the band, their fans, friends and girlfriends are all present too, being in a band doesn’t stop real life from happening. The same characters are in all my books and I promise you if you like metal you’re going to recognize yourself and your friends within my pages.

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Mike Browning Rejoins Morbid Angel, Announces Split With Band

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Former Morbid Angel drummer and vocalist Mike Browning has rejoined and since left Morbid Angel, according to a press release earlier today. Browning’s lasting contribution to the death metal group was his appearance on the band’s shelved first album, Abominations of Desolation, which was subsequently released after Altars of Madness.

“It was really great to be back in the fold for 10 hours,” stated the drummer, “but it was clear that financial and creative differences were untenable, and I cannot participate in Morbid Angel any longer.”

In a dispatch from the Morbid Angel camp, Trey Azagthoth said, “We really appreciate Mike’s efforts in the band, and we hope that he finds success in his future endeavors.”

At press time, former drummer Wayne Hartsell was spotted heading into Morbid Angel’s studio for an audition.

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New Iron Maiden Album Cover Pays Tribute To James Franco In “Spring Breakers”

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Iron Maiden set the metal world ablaze this week by releasing the cover art from their soon-to-be-released double album “Book of Souls”. While many fans of the band were impressed with the artwork, some were surprised to learn that Eddie’s new look is based on James Franco’s performance as the drug dealing hooligan known as Alien in Harmony Korine’s 2012 film “Spring Breakers”.

Some die-hard fans of the band were angered by the Maiden’s unwillingness to bring back Derek Riggs to create the new cover. Protests were planned in 12 major American cities on Saturday to bring back Riggs.  However, much of the uproar died down and the protests were cancelled when it was discovered that legendary street artist and 2014 Hipster Hall of Fame honoree Banksy created the new Eddie.

When asked about Eddie’s new crunk-for-2015 look, the band spoke about how the watching “Spring Breakers” launched them in a new creative direction. While the band says many of the tracks are the classic, straight ahead Iron Maiden you would expect, don’t be surprised if you hear a little of what Dave Murray cryptically referred to as “Dem Ruskin Arms Trap Beatz” on the new record. The band has even hinted at collaborating with Yung Jeezy on a crossover song tentatively called “Trap Somewhere in Time”.

There have also been rumors swirling around the Iron Maiden camp that “Book of Souls” is actually a concept album in which a mad scientist fuses Eddie and Alien’s DNA to create a new creature, known as “Crunkenstein”.   The monster goes on a wild rampage through St. Petersburg, Florida during spring break searching for the one thing necessary to his survival, the souls of methheads.  Unable to find any that hadn’t already been sold to Satan, Crunkenstein lays on the beach and spends his last moments alive singing an eleven minute power ballad about the life of Aliester Crowley.

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Franco, meanwhile, was unable to be reached for comment. He is currently somewhere in the mountains of Guatemala working on a new book of poems titled “Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue: Meditations On Things I Was Thinking About While Watching Full House” that is set to be released sometime next year.

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Trey Azagthoth Parts Ways With Morbid Angel

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Founding guitarist Trey Azagthoth announced today that he is parting ways with death metal titans Morbid Angel. The news follows in the wake of the dissolution of the current lineup, with bassist/vocalist David Vincent, drummer Tim Yeung, and guitarist Destructhor all dismissed by Azagthoth. Now the only continuous member in Morbid Angel’s nearly 30-year run plans to depart as well.

“The situation in the band has become untenable, with musical and financial considerations remaining unresolved. I can no longer commit to participating and performing in this fashion,” stated Trey, “I wish [returning bassist/vocalist] Steve Tucker the best with Morbid Angel, and I am looking forward to new endeavors of my own.”

At press time, sole remaining member Steve Tucker is sitting in front of his computer with a stunned expression and his mouth hanging open.

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