FDA Study Claims Shaolin and Wu-Tang Could Be “Dangerous”

Wu-Tang Clan

After nearly 20 years of research, millions of dollars and 47 solo albums, the FDA has determined the Shaolin and the Wu-Tang, if combined, could cause hundreds of unwanted side effects including carcinomas, melanomas, vanillaromas, mumps, measles, pneumonia, walking kidney disorder, small pox, beagle imitation syndrome, death and even acne.

However, the study vindicated many supporters who believe that the Shaolin and the Wu-Tang by themselves were not harmful. The danger, according to the 3636-page study, lies in the interaction between the two compounds.

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The study notes that if a person comes into contact with the Shaolin and the Wu-Tang simultaneously, it is critical that the person receive medical attention immediately. While waiting for an ambulance, bystanders can aid the victim of the Shaolin and the Wu-Tang by soaking them thoroughly in oatmeal and feeding them Serbian earwax.

If the victim begins to show signs of dementia by, for example, claiming that Cappadonna’s verse on any song was the best one, it is critical that spectators leave the scene immediately. There have been rare cases of Wu-Tang Killa Zombie Virus reported by those who have experienced lengthy exposure to the Shaolin and the Wu-Tang. A Wu-Tang Killa Zombie is capable of transmitting the disease by gnawing on the neck of those who come in contact with it.

Therefore, it is critical that if you find yourself in this situation you protect ya neck.

Man In Early Stages of Wu-Tang Killa Zombie Transformation

Man In Early Stages of Wu-Tang Killa Zombie Transformation

While Wu-Tang treated products are less common, there are still hundreds of thousands of them left around from peak Wu-Tang in the mid-1990s. This includes Wu-Tang tee-shirts, thermoses, lunch boxes, artificial limbs, tortoises, bunions, thermite, scarves, talking dolls, comic books, canola oil, flatware, ham, poltergeists, bottled water, yeast, enriched uranium, salt, apple sauce and even washing machines. On their own these innocuous items are harmless, but were one to encounter them in the presence of The Shaolin, it could be….well…dangerous.

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Trump Defends Action Bronson; Rips Ghostface Killah

Donald Trump

Presidential candidate Donald Trump might be a stranger to rap music, but he is no stranger to controversy. That’s why few were surprised that Trump has gotten himself involved in the heated feud between rap icon Ghostface Killah and Action Bronson.

At a speech sponsored by the Georgia branch of the John Birch Society, Trump leapt to the defense of Bronson. “One of the most important cultural figures in America today is Action Bronson. I’ll never forget when I first saw the movie ‘Death Wish’ back in the 1970s. I thought to myself, ‘There is a man that understands how the justice system in America should work!’”

Trump went on to praise Bronson’s war record. “Not only did he serve heroically under the brilliant military mind of Lee Marvin, he fought side-by-side with great Americans like Ernest Borgnine and George Kennedy during what many thought would be a suicide mission against Nazi forces in World War 2.”

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He was inspired to get involved in this rap battle after seeing a Bronson’s picture on the news yesterday. “He looks awful. He’s gained weight. He looks like he hasn’t shaved or bathed in months. He could be selling pencils at the airport. The so-called ‘Ghostface Killah’ should not talk about a great American the way he has.”

Trump took umbrage with Ghostface’s Youtube rant against Bronson calling it “tasteless”.

“I watched your little Youtube program yesterday, Ghostface. Listened to you make shameful and tasteless remarks with the beautiful music of Teddy Pendergrass playing behind you.  If Teddy were here today, Ghostface, he’d have stood up and knocked some sense into you.”

Trump even made veiled threats against the rapper to the delight of the crowd. “If I become President, I’ll have at my disposal thousands of people willing to do disappearing acts for me. How’s the CIA for starters, Ghostface?”

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He finished by taunting the rapper to thunderous applause from the crowd. “I went to one of his shows once because someone told me Tony Stark was playing. When I saw it wasn’t Robert Downey Jr. flying  around in a metal suit, blowing things up, I left.”

“People say he’s a New York rapper. I’m from New York. He’s from Staten Island. Do you know what we call Staten Island in New York, Ghostface? New Jersey!”

“Where’s your “Art of The Deal”, Ghostface? Where’s your casinos? Where’s your reality TV show? Where’s your plaque in the WWE Hall of Fame? “

Ghostface Killah has yet to comment on Trump’s scathing attack.

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SPECIAL REPORT: Are Aliens Abducting Heavy Metal Fans?

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Three more public officials today denounced a new sub-genre of heavy metal growing in popularity amid recent widespread media attention. Known by fans as aliencore, the newest addition to the already saturated landscape of extreme music has been both praised and scorned by fans and critics alike. Now, some government authorities are calling for an outright ban of the music over allegations that it may be dangerous to its listeners.

The emergence of aliencore was first reported by music writer Budd Hopkins in an April 8th New York Times article. Investigating an increase in the number of missing persons cases among heavy metal fans, Hopkins inadvertently discovered an unusually high influx of new metal bands fronted by undocumented immigrants. Hopkins coined the term “aliencore” to refer to the new sub-genre created by these bands. Described by noted heavy metal documentarian Stanton Friedman as a cross between death metal and the drone of honeybees, aliencore has since garnered major radio airplay across the country and several bands have performed to national televised audiences.

The Times article references several of the more popular aliencore bands. In an interview with the founder of a group calling themselves Rings of Uranus, Hopkins quotes the musician as saying that he and his bandmates come from a small Italian town called Zeta Reticuli and, among other enigmatic statements, that he formed his band “around the time of the dawn of human civilization.”

The drummer of a band called Children of Kecksburg spoke to Hopkins about the artistic influences of the new aliencore movement. “It runs the gamut,” said the drummer. “Everything from 1950s-era civil defense films to cosmology and astrophysics to Whitley Strieber books.”

The members of another aliencore band called Hypnotic Regression seemed to imply that their music had an altruistic objective. “The mission of our band is to serve man.”

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Despite the growing popularity of the sub-genre, several critical reviews have appeared. Phillip Klass, in a Rolling Stone review of a new album called The Drake Equation, referred to songs like Intergalactic Border Crossing and Paradoxical Paranoiac Probing as “nonsensical drivel.”

But the real controversy over the music stems from a report in the May edition of Scientific American that cited a connection between aliencore music and the disappearance of at least 750 self-described metalheads around the world. According to numerous local police sources, all of the missing people had attended a performance by an aliencore band only hours before their disappearances. While authorities continue to investigate, this circumstantial evidence has led several politicians and community leaders to call for the cancellation of all scheduled aliencore performances in their jurisdictions until a full investigation can be concluded.

Kenny Lofton, police chief of Gulf Breeze, Florida, held a hastily scheduled news conference this morning to announce the disappearance of at least 15 concertgoers from a performance by the band Sacred Hive the previous night. “We’re taking this extremely seriously,” said Chief Lofton. “Until further notice, I’ve issued a townwide prohibition against any further performances of this so-called aliencore music.”

At the same time, aliencore fans are expressing their support for the right of the bands to perform. Barney Hill of Rachel, Nevada, told CNN that be believes the disappearances have been blown out of proportion. “So what if a couple of dirtbags down in Kingman, Arizona, didn’t come home after an aliencore show last weekend? They probably got stoned and went camping or something. This is about free speech.”

In Europe, heavy metal fans have been as outspoken as their freedom-minded American counterparts. Herb Wells of Woking, England, was quoted by Sky News as saying that he fully supports the “right of these bands to perform. It’s the same thing every couple of years. Some group of parents or politicians wants to censor this kind of music.”

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But in Aurora, Texas, Mayor Andy Van Slyke today ordered the destruction of all aliencore records from the local Sam Goody and Tower Records stores following the disappearance of three teenagers from a concert last week. “We’re fully cooperating with state and federal authorities,” said Mayor Van Slyke, “but in light of the many published reports concerning the possible connection between this music and the recent disappearances, we can’t risk any more of our children going missing.”

In recent days, several aliencore bands have gone on the record to defend their music. During an interview on MSNBC, Fhru Glarmorkiop, the bass player for a band called Fgoppreasewwmoarcqert, said “Yuydjh duirttyuu op rertnyopriy morkeeportuni nerlio.”

He went on to inform viewers that his band will defy any performance or recording bans and still plans to enter the studio next month to record its debut album, As the Wormhole Turns. The album, said Glarmorkiop, will feature a song played entirely in binary, called 001101000100100111010100, and include an aliencore cover of the Megadeth classic Hangar 18.

However, in the most stunning development of this unfolding story, an aliencore band called Hydrocephahic Hybrid may have admitted that a sinister connection does indeed exist between the music and the missing persons cases.

On a segment of the O’Reilly Factor on Fox News last night, the band’s lead vocalist told host Bill O’Reilly that aliencore bands have been abducting their fans since late last year. “Look, we’ve been doing it the old-fashioned way for far too long now,” said the singer. “It’s tedious. You have to fly down during the middle of the night, shine some bright lights through the windows, float them out the door… We were hanging around one night and we realized it would be easier to get them to come to us. Your average heavy metal fan isn’t exactly the smartest knife in the cutlery rack, if you know what I mean. So a bunch of us formed metal bands and started playing shows and the next thing you know we’ve already met our quota for the year.”

Despite the growing sense of alarm, Hydrocephalic Hybrid will embark next week on a three-month tour of Midwest wheat fields and trailer parks in support of San Diego-based deathgrind band Cattle Decapitation.

(Dirty Dave on The FM is a special investigative reporter for Tyranny of Tradition.  Hours after he filed this report his office was ransacked and he went missing.  If you have seen Dirty Dave please contact the Tyranny of Tradition offices as soon as possible)

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Metalcore Band’s Frontman Quits, Guitarist Says Band Will Continue Without Him

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As reported by Loudwire, the frontman of a famed metalcore band announced that he will be parting ways with the band. The news comes just after the release of the outfit’s latest studio album, released on a major label.

Many were shocked to hear that the vocalist would be departing just after the metalcore act was starting to gain traction in the mainstream, not to mention right before their world tour with a lauded post-hardcore band and rising pop punk act.

The renowned metalcore collective’s former frontman issued the following statement:

“After being with this certain metalcore band for a period of time, I’ve decided I can no longer continue being with this certain metalcore band for any more periods of time. I’ve had a lot of fun being with this particular act, but I’ve decided that my time with this specific metalcore band has to come to a close. I wish my fellow band members the best of luck, but it’s time for me to close the gap with this specified metalcore group.”

Many initially thought that this would be the end for the metalcore cohorts, but later, the band’s guitarist issued a statement via the metalcore clique’s Facebook page:

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UPDATE!!!!!!! 11:34 AM EST It was just announced via Twitter that the vocalist of a world famous deathcore band will be joining the metalcore monolith full-time!!!! 

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The deathcore vocalist went on to disperse more exciting news via Twitter, the biggest announcement being that the infamous metalcore band will soon be heading into a studio to begin working on a new studio record, to be released sometime on a record label in the future.

We here at this music website are looking forward to see what this metalcore titan has up their sleeves.

(Article contributed by investigative reporter Jess Casebeer.  For more hard hitting jurnalizmcore, check him out at his site)

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Deathspell Omega Sues Ministry of Magic

Deathspell Omega conducting a witchhunt last year. (Photo: Bozo)

Deathspell Omega conducting a witchhunt last year (Photo: Bozo)

POITIERS, France — Bible metal group Deathspell Omega filed a lawsuit against the Ministry of Magic (MOM) for trademark infringement Sunday afternoon.

In a strongly worded sermon delivered at the Post-Christ Church of Blackened Genesis today morning, Deathspell Omega alleged that the MOM, for an improved version of the infamous Killing Curse, has stolen their name.

“It’s ludicrous, the Ministry of Magic has no right to call their new Killing Curse ‘Deathspell Omega’,” the French group said.

“The likelihood for confusion among Muggles and Wizards is high. Just yesterday, two teenage witches walked in during our service, thinking that it was a mass exercise on how to use the improved Killing Curse!”

Under the Madrid Protocol of 1989, to which France and the UK acceded, trademarks registered in any member country automatically gains protection in other member countries, too.

But this only applied to Muggle societies.

After the tragic Second Wizarding War, which claimed multiple Muggle and Wizard lives from 1997 to 1998, diplomatic relations between Muggle and Wizarding societies have vastly opened up. And the Madrid Protocol was revised to also apply to Wizarding societies of member countries.

When contacted, a MOM spokesman said that the Ministry is aware of the lawsuit, and has hired Muggle lawyers to represent them in court.

“It is the first time we have encountered such a peculiarly Muggle problem, so it’s only natural that we have hired the relevant Muggle professionals to assist us,” said the spokesman who wished to remain anonymous.

He added that “Deathspell Omega” was suggested as the name for the improved Killing Curse — a life-extinguishing flash of light coloured blue instead of green to induce calmness before death — by a MOM marketing communications intern to give the curse a “classy” feel. The name also phonetically dissociates the curse from its previous green variant, known as “Avada Kedavra”, that was widely abused by Dark Wizards such as Voldemort during the ’90s.

Responding to queries about the morality of improving the Killing Curse, the MOM spokesman said “Deathspell Omega” is a humane tool meant to be used on death row inmates at Azkaban Prison who opt out of the Dementor’s Kiss scheme.

Deathspell Omega’s lawsuit, which is the first of its kind, has drawn attention from Muggle lawyers.

DLA Piper lawyer Parry Hotter, 30, said that the lawsuit would likely set a dangerous precedent for current tort law governing both Muggle and Wizarding societies.

“Note that ‘Deathspell Omega’ is not actually a registered trademark, but a well known mark,” said Hotter. “So under the Paris Convention for the Protection of Intellectual Property 1883, bible metal group Deathspell Omega can only appeal to the tort of passing off to argue their case. But even then, it’s debatable whether or not an underground group like them is ‘well known’ to Muggles, let alone Wizardkind.”

Hotter added, “If Deathspell Omega wins, numerous bands that sound like spells would try to sue Wizards who name spells after them by accident. And if the MOM wins, bands like Deathspell Omega whom coincidentally have dangerous spells named after them would probably get boycotted by moronic Wizards and Muggles in a hurry, or be conveniently banned by right-wing Muggle government officials.”

Echoing Hotter’s sentiment, Deathspell Omega expressed censorship worries at the end of their sermon.

“What if the Muggle governments, French or not, restrict or halt circulation of our compositions, thinking that they are audiobooks that teach people how to use the improved Killing Curse?”

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Supreme Court Rules Man Has Right To Marry Vinyl Copy of Dokken’s “Tooth and Nail”

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When 49-year-old Charlie Ronce first heard Dokken’s seminal metal record “Tooth and Nail”, he knew loved it. Now, thanks to a 5-4 decision by the United States Supreme Court, he has the right to marry it.

As predicted by conservative pundits and politicians, the Supreme Court’s decision to allow gay marriage has opened the floodgates to all sorts of marriages between men and inanimate objects. In Paraphiliacs United vs. Cleaver, the court ruled that Ronce and any other depraved weirdo can do whatever the hell they want, anytime they want, to anything to they want without facing any repercussions whatsoever.

Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote the landmark decision, which has cleared the way for an orgy of godless, disgraceful acts that will bring a quick, painful end to the existence of the United States of America. “No love is more profound than the love of a man for whatever gets him off.  Now, go do whatever sick, disgusting stuff comes to mind without regard to decency or hygiene. It is so ordered,” wrote Kennedy in words that will forever embolden perverts everywhere.

Dokken

Ronce’s courtship of “Tooth and Nail” began when he purchased the album at a Sam Goody in Yonkers, New York in 1985. He casually dated the album at first, still having relations with other albums including Kix “Blow My Fuse” and Sleeze Beez “Screwed, Blued and Tattooed”. However, by the 1990s, he found himself connecting to “Tooth and Nail” on a spiritual level and wanted to demonstrate his deep, abiding commitment to it.

He proposed to his copy of the album on a trip to Hawaii in 1994 after Don Dokken himself autographed it in the Honolulu Airport.   Ronce then began his mission to have a court somewhere in America sanction his fetishistic love of the record. Today, his struggle for the right to do something that no sane person would really ever bother trying to do has been validated.

Antonin Scalia

Conservative Justice Antonin Scalia wrote a scathing dissent, but was unable to read it because police detained him after he leaped across the bench and lunged at Justice Kennedy’s throat with a penknife.   Scalia’s opinion contained nearly 50 references to the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, talked at length about how much he hated the song “Just Got Lucky” and ended with the words “Drop The Bomb – Exterminate Them All!” scrawled in blood at the bottom of the page.  Scalia was released later in the day on his own recognizance.

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To Compete With Google’s “Unsend”, Apple Unveils Innovative ”Unlisten”

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While many may have been taken aback by the recent news that Apple’s new streaming service “Apple Music” will not be paying its artists during its three-month pilot period, and shocked by the announcement that they’ll now be paying artists a voucher for a free Denny’s Grand Slam per 10 million streams, and were perhaps even more uproarious about the more recent announcement that the 500 least-streamed artists on this platform will be hunted and killed by Apple’s patented T-800 robots at the end of the three-month trial, even those with the most disdain for the multi-billion dollar monolith were on their knees in worship at the reveal of their newest feature, the memory-wiping “Unlisten”.

Inspired by Google’s new feature, “Unsend”, which allows users to recant emails after sending them, Apple Unlisten’s open beta launched last Sunday, June 21st. Those who sign up for the “Unlisten” open beta will have access to an extensive database of every single song and artist they’ve ever listened to in their life, and, at the click of a mouse, users will have the ability to have any song they’ve ever listened to wiped from their memory, erasing any catchy lyrics, instrumentation, and fondest childhood memories of the dear friend that turned them onto the song that may still be lingering in their head.

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“We thought it’d be a great idea,” Apple Music CEO Craig Jonas said in a press release. “One of my colleagues came into the office one day and said, ‘Man, did you hear that new Shinedown single? Man, what I wouldn’t give to unlisten to that monstrosity.’ We just stared at each other in amazement at the idea we had just birthed.”

“While we probably shouldn’t be surprised by how easily our users have been willing to give up their social security number, credit card information, name of their hometown, brain scans, and a strand of their hair for us to be able to acquire this information about them, like damn, just how much do these people trust us?”

Listeners have voiced their unanimous excitement at this innovative new feature.

“I think it’ll come in handy,” says Andy Johnston, 20. “Now the next time one of my douche friends links me the latest Rebecca Black song on my Facebook timeline, I can know that I can listen to it without being left with battle scars.”

“I’m absolutely thrilled,” Mark “The Bloodied” James, 27, told us in between his daily animal sacrifices. “Now all my fellow metalhead friends can’t shame me for liking that latest Charli XCX album, because now thanks to Unlisten, I can just forget that that album ever existed.”

We recently reached out to Mark again for further comment after testing Apple Unlisten, and his paranoid, stammered-out response simply went, “Who are you? Who am I? What have you done to me?”

(contributed by guest correspondent Jess Casebeer from Northwest Music Scene)

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