Unconfirmed rumors of the death of Lars Ulrich were nowhere to be found on the Internet this morning only moments before this article was published. No credible source with knowledge of Ulrich’s current whereabouts has commented on the matter or even been asked about his passing. This won’t stop many members of the mindless, bloodthirsty mob known affectionately as “the public” from believing that Lars has died.
In spite of the fact that no one has asked the band, many believe that Lars is dead due to the fact that some dude sitting in his living room typed out a bunch of words, attached some pictures and hit the publish button. The torrent of silence on this non-issue has left many to speculate that there might be some sort of cover up.
“Where there is smoke, there is often fire. Or, at least, smoke,” said Metallica fan and frequent Facebook opinion giver Steve Weremembercliff.
Several doctors who have never examined Ulrich weighed in on the controversy including Dr. Eric Liposuct, a well-known expert on esophagus transplants. He speculated, “Ulrich, like most people, has a terminal condition. It’s known as being alive. He has somewhere between 1 day and 50 years left on this earth.”
Fans of the band, hoping desperately to be the first to inform everyone of his death, will plunge headlong into a frenzy of article sharing without reading its contents. In some cases, they may read the article and repost it hoping for that amazing feeling of superiority one gets when realizing that there are many people in the world dumber and more gullible than they are. The author of the article also plans to revel in this cheap, but highly stimulating thrill.
At first, some will be saddened by his mock death. This will be followed by a flood of indignation from a public who loves both the feeling of false community experienced when they can passively observe the suffering of strangers from a safe distance with others and the feeling of righteous anger that typically follows being suckered for the 8 millionth time by some degenerate hustler trying to milk out a few more “unique visitors”.
By late in the afternoon, the whole thing will be forgotten as the mindless drudgery of everyday life reasserts itself. This will be followed by another manufactured controversy in which people everywhere experience a set of emotions that were once reserved for actual human interactions. On and On South of Heaven…
The Persecution and Assassination of Stan As Performed By The Inmates on Aisle Five of A Waldbaums Supermarket In Piscataway, New Jersey Under The Direction of The Marquis de Sade
An Amish farmer, a can of pinto beans and a moose awaken in a large round cylinder. The sides are smooth. The walls are about 200 feet high. They can see the moon and the sky, but are completely unaware of where they are.
Amish Farmer: Where are we?
Moose: I’m not sure, but it doesn’t look like there is any way out.
Everyone looks around for a few seconds
Pinto Beans: Hey…what’s that Eminem song where a fan is writing him a letter while driving drunk off of a bridge with Eminem in the trunk of the car? The one where he says “My mom’s a yeti”?
Amish Farmer: Isn’t that Stan? Or Lose Yourself? Or both?
Pinto Beans: I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s really confusing. How does Eminem get out of the trunk to get the letter? And why is the guy writing a letter while driving with a 5th of vodka in him? If the guy Stan is dead, wouldn’t Eminem be likely to be dead sinking to the bottom of a pond too? And besides, if Eminem’s already in the trunk of the guys car, why doesn’t he just open the trunk and tell him this stuff instead of drinking, driving and writing? And why is that chick Spiro or whatever her name is singing? Where the hell is she in the car?
Amish Farmer: Ah…..I’m not sure…
Pinto Beans: Maybe all his crew up at 9 Mile sold him for some 5 XL hooded sweatshirts and Stan bought him, chloroformed him and put him in the trunk. The problem again is…aren’t there much more efficient ways to kill a man if this is your intent. And, if you are aware that you are driving into a lake killing the guy you are writing the note to, does it ever occur to you that he’s not going to read it???
And if both Eminem and Stan are dead, who wrote and performed the song? Maybe that’s why they got that Pedro girl to sing the hook. There were things Eminem didn’t record before the car sunk and they needed to cover up the missing spots.
Characters all collapse onto the floor. Stage goes dark.
Orchestra begins playing the opening from Seasons in the Abyss by Slayer. Characters arise and stare at their surroundings, then each other. Music fades.
Pinto Beans: Maybe he was losing oxygen, becoming detached from reality and BELIEVED his mom was a Yeti
Voice of Marquis de Sade From Above: Or maybe the trauma brought back repressed memories of being raised by yetis before they dropped him off in a basket with a note pinned to it in front of that trailer park out at 12 mile.
Pinto Beans: And KIM…”his mom” found the note and adopted him.
Moose: And then, later, we find out that Stan, the guy killing him in the trunk of the car is actually the same one who pinned the note to him when he was a baby in a basket.
Pinto Beans: And the yetis believed he needed to be destroyed because he had the location of their yeti base in the Falkland Islands and they were worried he might remember and sell his secret to the CIA.
Amish Farmer: Eminem was never in the trunk, Dodo or whatever was in there.
Pinto Beans: And then, he had to kill Kim and bury her in his closet because she was going to tell Stan where he was hiding.
At this moment, a giant ostrich flies into the cylinder attacking the can of Pinto Beans. The moose and the Amish farmer grab the can of pinto beans and begin beating the ostrich. The ostrich collapses to the floor.
Ostrich: (uttering its dying words) It’s Stan’s girlfriend in the trunk and Stan is talking into a tape recorder.
Ostrich disappears. Other characters collapse onto the floor. Stage goes dark.
Orchestra plays Napalm Death “You Suffer”. Characters arise from their positions on the floor again. When the orchestra finishes, they are led out in front of the audience and executed by a firing squad.
Pinto Beans: Why the hell is she in the trunk? Obviously Stan didn’t know who Bilbo or whatever her name was. So he just grabbed this woman out on the road and killed her? Because he thought she was Eminem? Or maybe she knew about the yetis too?
Moose: If he is in a car driving his girlfriend into a lake, as you say, and talking into a tape recorder….how does Eminem get the tape??? It’d be water logged and useless.
Moose: But where does that Jojo girl fit in.
Amish Farmer: He says in one of the letters “My girlfriend’s pregnant”, so we’d have to assume that Doro is his girlfriend since they’re sleeping in the same bed and she’s pregnant.
Pinto Beans: I like that song…I’m just concerned that if you follow it to it’s logical conclusions Eminem is dead and has been replaced by some sort of genetically rebuilt cyborg and yetis could take over Argentina within a matter of hours. Is this the world we want for our children?
Amish Farmer: Also, he never got the tape, it was confiscated at the crime scene, and Eminem is responding to a letter Stan wrote after he died, connecting the dots and realizing that the dude on the news who did that was Stan and the chick in the trunk was his girlfriend.
Pinto Beans: So Eminem wrote this guy a letter to tell him that he knocked up his girlfriend Nynex or whatever? No wonder he’s pissed! It’s Eminem’s baby in her body. What, is Stan supposed to raise Eminem’s son cause he had an affair with some groupie after some show in Las Cruces, New Mexico? I can’t agree with his actions, but you can imagine the rage he was feeling.
Amish Farmer: Stan’s girlfriend, not Eminem.
Pinto Beans: This Stan guy is something else. First, he kidnaps a well-known rapper. Second, he helps cover up a thousand year old yeti conspiracy. Then, he kills his girlfriend for cheating on him with Eminem….but the capper is that Stan wrote the damned letter after he died!!!!! Stan should have a damn Grammy for doing all that.
Amish Farmer: Where does Mekhi Phifer come in?
Pinto Beans: So…wait…I got it. Stan’s girlfriend wrote the letter after he was dead to honor his dying wish or something.
Moose: But SHE’S dead too!
Pinto Beans: So how does he get the letter?!?!?!
Amish Farmer: Mekhi Phifer!
Pinto Beans: And, we still haven’t really explained why Libido or whatever she’s called is in a car where two people die and she is untouched. Unless, as you claim, she and the girlfriend are the same person. But…then who is alive to sing the chorus?
Amish Farmer: Pre-recorded dub track.
The Marquis De Sade looks into the giant cylinder. His face covers most of the sky and light coming in.
Marquis de Sade: The yeti wrote the letter. (de Sade disappears)
Pinto Beans: But why would they pre-record it if they didn’t know it was going to happen? They couldn’t have predicted the accident or the song or the letter. The only thing that can explain this is that they put that Faygo chick in a time machine and sent her to the future, pulled her back through the vortex of time and plunked her down in a studio.
Amish Farmer: Stan planned it because he wanted to be with Eminem, so he made sure Dayglo went to record the track beforehand to be sampled in the song about him that Eminem would make because he and Eminem are the same person.
Moose: Going back to Mekhi Phifer. I’ve been thinking long and hard about the this angle. He might be the guy pulling all the strings. Like E. Howard Hunt did when the CIA and The Dole Pineapple Company conspired to kill JFK and Duane Allman. Also, he might be an Argentinian spy trying to locate the Yeti base before the nation is overrun by the beasts. Or, he could just be some friend who grew up with M at 5 mile and got sucked into one of the greatest criminal conspiracies of this century unwittingly. We might never know.
Pinto Beans: I used to own a copy of that Eminem DVD 8 Kilometers or whatever. I enjoyed the film. One day, the disc went missing. Haven’t seen it since. If that doesn’t tell you how deep this conspiracy runs, you are blind!
Moose: Stan planned the thing and had the tracks sung in advance knowing Eminem would write the song about Gogol being murdered in the trunk after singing the chorus…that’s genius. I think you might have solved this!
Pinto Beans: But what about the yetis?
Act 3 continued with no changes or stoppage of conversation
Amish Farmer: Gogol Bordello is giving birth to the yeti and made Stan drive the car off the bridge.
Pinto Beans: I thought Gogol birthed a nose, but I get her and her sister mixed up.
Moose: Not that I approve of him killing Nacho…but to plan all of that to get Eminem to write a song about him….knowing….KNOWING….Queso’s death would lead him to write the song. Criminal mastermind!
Pinto Beans: Maybe he even faked his own death. And he’s living on the Yeti base in the Falkland Islands. From what I’ve seen, the guy is capable of anything.
Silence. The characters look around nervously.
Pinto Beans: I’m not directly blaming a yeti for stealing my copy of 32 Degrees Celsius…but coincidences like this don’t happen everyday and when they do, they are not coincidences!
Marquis de Sade: (shouting from a long distance away) Stan never killed Eminem. He killed his girlfriend. Eminem was the one he kept sending letters and tapes to and Em wasn’t responding and that’s why Stan went off the edge and did what he did. And the singer’s name is Dido.
Pinto Beans: That’s certainly one theory.
All characters simultaneously explode
(co-authored by Brittany Diaz)
In 2016, everyone’s favorite Metal Monarch is coming to the Motor City.
Universal Studios, The Ford Motor Company and The Church of Satan will spend 1.3 billion dollars to build the greatest American attraction since the creation of Disneyworld. King Diamond’s “Them” Park is expected to bring millions of visitors from around the world all hoping for a mindless diversion from the crippling sense of sadness and terror experienced by people trapped on the dead-end thrill ride that has come to be known as “the human condition”.
The massive 490-acre amusement park will be located under downtown Detroit, Michigan. Among highlighted attractions slated to be built are eight extreme roller coasters, nine opera houses, a zoo featuring five of The King’s stock of minotaurs and a water park that will use over 666,000 gallons of tea for excited kids and parents to splash around in.
The park’s main focus is on the recreation of King’s stories brought to life in Broadway musical reviews. These will run 24 hours, 7 days a week in nine 5000 seat opera houses located throughout the lot.
Another major attraction will be a magnificent, centrally-located gothic carousel for children and parents to enjoy. A park cast member, playing the role of the infamous character O’Brian, will welcome families onto one of the steeds while they are whimsically whisked away to portray one of the heroic black horsemen. Then they will be encouraged to interact in the story by killing Baby Abigail.
According to former drummer Snowy Shaw, “I’ve always loved It’s A Small World, but now imagining the joy I will get by seeing my children pretend to destroy cursed artifacts, bury people alive or burn a witch at the stake brings tears to my eyes!”
“The muppet theatre is going to be fantastic!” says puppet mistress Missy La’Fey. “We’ve been working with the puppets, injecting them with harvested blood and sprinkling them with goofer dust to insure that the show’s television simulcasts will be unprecedented. It’s really what our children need now-a-days: a hellish, nightmare version of Sesame Street.”
The project is expected to employ over ten thousand out-of-work carnies and jump start the bankrupt city’s economy by creating the largest man-made themed tourist destination in the world.
Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan believes “Detroit is back! We will no longer be viewed as a post-apocalyptic trailer park wasteland, but rather a home to those who appreciate demented rituals like human sacrifice and overpriced family fun. By 2020, we expect the city to finally be in The Black.”
“With studios acquiring multi-billion dollar franchises like Star Wars, Marvel and Harry Potter, it was a no-brainer that King Diamond would be the next in line,” says Ronald Meyer, CEO of Universal Studios. “It’s a positive message to kids about supernatural and paranormal phenomenon. We finally have a fun and exciting vehicle to expose children at an early age to the social and economic benefits of devil worship.”
Early promotional events will include “Nuns Have Fun Day” where nuns get in for half price and are allowed a day long bottomless cup of “Melissa Slurpies”. Affordable family packages that, according to the park brochure “won’t cost an arm and a leg…just a soul”, will go on sale next month.
(article contributed by former Washington Post investigative reporter Myron Dinkle)
In a bold move to show his willingness to commit to bipartisan solutions in 2015, President Obama has announced he is sacking FDA Commissioner, Margaret “Quarter Pounder” Hamburg, and giving control of the FDA to none other than G.G. Allin.
Obama, who many pundits believe is trending towards complete mental and emotional collapse, has been recently observed running around the White House lawn at all hours of the night naked and bleeding while howling indecipherable song lyrics. His appointment of Allin coincides with his “Fear and Loathing” 2nd term agenda, a stark contrast to his “Hope and Change” message from six years ago.
Ever since 19 Americans contracted Ebola from eating overregulated meat products, the FDA has been under fire from Republicans and Democrats alike. Allin seems like just the man to bring sanity back to the Food and Drug Administration.
G.G.Allin faked his death in 1993 to escape the punk rock lifestyle and pursue his interests in micro pig breeding and aspartame mining. Those who knew him intimately recall that Allin was always striving to help people reconcile their differences and overcome their phobias surrounding bodily fluids and extreme cuddling.
Allin’s surprising appointment is intended to allow for less red tape and more botulized red meat for an American public who “just wants government to get out of their lives”.
According to House Speaker, John Boehner, many Republicans see this appointment as too good to take at face value, and are cautioning of a possibly more sinister agenda below the surface. Allin’s connections to the aspartame mining industry is raising a few eyebrows in Congress.
Aspartame has been a hot button issue ever since President Obama signed an executive order last year requiring a restructuring of the well known Food Pyramid. The order, commonly known as “To Aspartame A Land”, has mandated that an additional foundation to the food pyramid be added to reflect the need to consume a minimum of 10-12 servings of aspartame daily in order to maintain optimal pancreatic health.
Critics of the new food pyramid allege that Allin’s appointment may be a conflict of interests, as he owns a 93% stake in Hawaii’s aspartame mines. This questionable appointment comes only days after Michelle Obama’s Marxist school lunch program mandated that all lunches contain at least 65 percent aspartame and 10 percent spinal fluid.
Democrats that support the President’s decision to discharge Margaret Hamburg warn that Allin’s appointment could send the wrong message to the two thirds of voters who stayed home this November. With Rikki Rockett and Gene Simmons recently being tapped to hold seats in the President’s administration, liberals fear that Obama is projecting a level of instability not seen in politics since H. Ross Perot had to be forcibly gagged and carried off the stage by security guards during a 1996 Presidential debate. They are also concerned that young voters, many of which have been alienated by a corrupt and ineffective political system, will begin choosing video games and social media over direct involvement in the American political process.
Congressman Ted Cruz, the lone socialist in the Republican party, opined on the House Floor today that, “When being a musician is seen as qualifying a person to make decisions about what is safe or not safe to consume, is it any wonder that demoralized young people will throw in the towel and never believe that they too can be something in this country?”
“Isn’t it time the President focus on issues important to the American people, like restoring Christian as our official language or recognizing a corporation’s religious freedom to marry and merge with the love of their choice?”
Time will tell if Allin has what it takes to bring America back to sensible levels of fecal content in its mercury-laden flounder and free market solutions to marketing new products like genetically modified pork rinds.
Neill Jameson, better known as Imperial of the black metal band Krieg, has been routinely making the metal headlines over the last year. Between his collaboration with Thurston Moore on the latest Twilight album, and his statements regarding the fallout from Blake Judd, Jameson has been the focus of both accolades and controversy. However, a new development in his personal life will likely trump any of the gossip surrounding his musical output. After years of complete estrangement, the notorious frontman has finally acknowledged and reunited with his equally notorious sister, Jenna Jameson.
“For years, I didn’t want think of Jenna as family,” said the vocalist in a recent Noisey.com interview. “She left home early and never got along with my mom, so I didn’t really have any good memories of her past about the age of 8. But she and I have both been through a lot, and I’ve grown quite a bit as a person, so I think we have more common ground than we did back then.”
For her part, Ms. Jameson, who is by all accounts the most successful pornographic actress in the history of the industry, was also enthusiastic to get re-acquainted with her younger brother.
“When Neill emailed me out of the blue last month, I was so surprised and moved. I even cried a little, because it brought back so many memories. He was always a sweetheart, even when I teased him by doing stuff like rubbing my boobs in his face. I’m really proud of what he’s done with his music and how he has taken it all over the world. It just goes to show the talent that runs through this family.”
Neill admits he denied his relation to Jenna for years, particularly after she had gained celebrity status. “People would always joke about her being my sister, and I’d just laugh it off and say, ‘I wish’, but it was actually painful to think I had less of a chance of reaching out to her once she became famous.”
And the awkwardness didn’t stop there. “Just about every one of my friends was into Jenna and had her videos. I couldn’t even be in the room when they’d put them on, though I finally got some of her movies out of morbid curiosity, and even successfully utilized them after a fashion. It was clear that the person on the screen was very different than the one I grew up with, so it was easy to pretend it was someone else.”
At this point, the Jamesons are very aware of one another, and happily so. They plan to collaborate on future endeavors, with Jenna offering to model Krieg merchandise and appear on the cover of the band’s upcoming album, “A Stranger on the Screen”, which is apparently inspired by the siblings’ reconciliation. Jenna may also have work for her kid brother in upcoming films she will direct for Vivid Video.
“It would be so much fun to have Neill on the set of a movie,” stated the eight time AVN award-winning actress, “he could play a pizza delivery guy or a plumber or something like that. If he shows some aptitude for the work like I did, we might have a new adult film star on our hands!”
Portly. Chubby. Rotund. Plump. Tubby. Or just plain fat. Overkill frontman has been called it all. He used to be ashamed of his girth. Now, he’s not hiding it, he’s flaunting it.
As a heavy metal singer for the heavy metal band Overkill, Bobby “The Blitz” Ellsworth is a major success. However, as a plus-sized model, Bobby is a superstar. In the last 9 months, he’s appeared on the cover of Elle, Vanity Fair, Glamour and The Omaha Steaks Catalog. He has overcome his fat-shaming critics and turned from a caterpillar into a swan.
Things weren’t always easy for Bobby. “I remember we were playing at a show back in 2001 and some guy in the front row was holding up a sign that said “Who Tends The Fries”. Who Tends The Fries!!! Man, I put my heart and soul into writing the song “Who Tends The Fire” and this idiot turned it into another cheap fat joke. I felt like giving up.”
But, The Blitz didn’t give up. Instead he resolved to become a role model for the 99.9999 percent of Americans who consider themselves to be overweight. In spite of the fact that according to the BMI index at 6 foot 3 160 pounds he is considered “morbidly obese” and only ten pounds away from “being so fat that his legs might collapse under him at any minute”, Bobby decided that he wasn’t going to live in fear anymore.
“Look, I’m not a size 0 or a -2. I’m big and I’m beautiful. And I’m not afraid to show it.”
Bobby is committed to raising awareness. By raising awareness, he hopes to raise awareness in order to raise awareness. As many Americans are aware thanks to the thousands of campaigns to raise awareness, the best way to raise awareness is by raising awareness.
“Body image is such a big deal nowadays. Fat young pimply-faced metalheads are afraid to wear fashionable clothing and instead hide themselves in 4XL Skeletonwitch shirts. That’s why plus-sized models like myself and Kate Moss are trying to raise awareness.”
“Raising awareness is an important way to raise awareness. Once awareness is raised, we won’t have to raise awareness anymore. Then, we can raise awareness about something else. Eventually, we will be aware of everything. The key is to raise awareness.”