Limp Ballot? Limp Bizkit Guitarist Steals Virginia Election

Virginia’s U.S. House District 7’s primary results have just suffered a major upset in what is being called the most prolific case of voter fraud since Chicken and Waffles beat out Sriracha in Lay’s custom flavor potato chip contest.

The hotly watched primary for Eric Cantor’s House seat seemed a cut and dried victory for Republican candidate Eric Cantor, but Tea Party candidate, David Brat swooped in to claim victory. Now, a suspicious tweet has thrown the entirety of District 7’s election integrity into question.

In the weeks following the unlikely upset, Eric Cantor had been spending his days locked in a room at the local Motel 6, where he has reportedly done nothing but play his Lawrence Welk vinyl 78 collection at 45 rpm’s and search the Internet for some clues as to how he could lose to a guy who thinks schools ought to be replaced with large, flat rocks for kids to sit on and learn as Plato did.

As luck would have it, Twitter supplied just the clue Cantor was looking for, “Imma master of disguise! My Brat makeup fooled everyone!” @WesBorland #StealDistrict7FromCantor

After Cantor alerted Virginia’s election board of this tweet, local law enforcement stormed the home of Wes Borland and brought him in for questioning . Sources tell us that Borland was quite uncooperative at first, unwilling to even make eye contact unless he was given grease paint and burlap sack to wear, but warmed up a bit when police brought one of their Metro Mime Squad operatives to gain his trust.

Sources close to the incident report that Tea Party candidate David Brat was nothing more than a special effects fiction according to Borland’s confession. Borland has held a deep grudge against Eric Cantor ever since Cantor advised Representative Paul Ryan to delete Limp Bizkit from his MP3 player and replace them with Gordon Lightfoot songs.

Borland reportedly showed some concern that such a large segment of the population was eager to vote for a candidate who advocates replacing the stars on the American flag with crosses and making “Christian” the official language of the United States.

As a caution against Borland stealing the 2016 Presidential elections, Eric Holder has reportedly put Borland under strict surveillance, and agents have reportedly confiscated 225 Ronald Reagan disguises from Borland’s special effects compound 3 miles below the Earth’s surface. Cantor has demanded that a run off election be held between himself and the goat, Mr. Fizzles, who came in third place during the primaries.

An unInterview With King Diamond That Never Happened

Just Look At This Guy

Just Look At This Guy

(editors note: At no time during this unInterview did I unInterview King Diamond. As far as I’m aware, he has no idea this unInterview has taken place. Even if he did, I’m guessing that since he is in his early 90’s, his memory is starting to blur.  He would probably either not remember it had it taken place or thought he was talking to Abraham Lincoln)

I did not get a chance to talk to with King Diamond recently. We were not on his tour bus before the concert talking for an hour and a half while he was putting his makeup on. He did not have me come up on stage and sing the chorus of “Tea” with him. After the show, King Diamond and I did not go to a 24-hour Denny’s together and get Moons Over My Hammys. He did not call me later in the week to play racquetball.

Tyranny: Let’s get this straight, Kim. As far as I am aware, America is not a monarchy. Therefore, I will not be referring to you as King at any point during this unInterview. We are both grown men. I’m not going to play the make believe game with you where you pretend to be this dark ghoulish satanic overlord and I pretend to be your frightened minion.

I will be referring to you by your birth name, Kim, throughout the duration of this unInterview. That okay with you, your highness?

(place where King Diamond would have responded)

Tyranny: DO…YOU…NEED…ME…..TO…TALK……LOUDER!!!!

(place where King Diamond would have responded)

Tyranny: Kim, I wanted to ask you about the whole being short thing. I read somewhere you are a wee little fella. About 5’4 it said. I heard you used to model for trophies. And that you used to play handball against a curb. And that you can hang glide on a Dorito.

(place where King Diamond would have responded)

Tyranny: When you choose what musicians are going to play with you on a tour, is height a factor? Let’s say, for example, you were to have had the late Peter Steele play bass live with you. He was 6 foot 6. You would have looked like a little marionette next to him. Or like a tiny, painted Chihuahua.

(place where King Diamond would have responded)

Tyranny: Kim is a girl’s name, isn’t it? Were your parents trying to do some sort of Johnny Cash “A Boy Named Sue” thing to toughen you up?

(place where King Diamond would have responded)

Tyranny: What’s with your voice anyway? You sound like an angry Muppet.

(place where King Diamond would have responded)

Tyranny: You seem like a pretty bright guy. Do you ever look back on your life and think that you could have been a doctor or a lawyer instead of a grown man running around a stage in a Halloween costume?

(place where King Diamond would have responded)

Tyranny: In an earlier article I said some pretty insulting stuff about your age. I want to take a moment to apologize for that. As a gesture of goodwill, I want to offer you this tube of Fixodent and a coupon for the early bird special at the local Sizzler.

(place where King Diamond would have responded)

Tyranny: Back to the height thing for a minute. When your band mates are angry with you, do they put your skulls, candles and fingerless leather gloves on high shelves so you can’t reach them without getting a phonebook or a chair?

(place where King Diamond would have responded)

Tyranny: I heard you kicked your bassist Hal Patino off the tour because he threatened to leave you in the bathtub with the water running.

(place where King Diamond would have responded)

Tyranny: If Satan were real, don’t you think he’d be embarrassed by the silly way you are representing him?

(place where King Diamond would have responded)

Tyranny: Don’t cop an attitude with me. What are you going to do?  Put some voodoo spell on me? Bury a human head in a graveyard with a lima bean in its mouth in order to have locust descend on my home?  I’m about a foot taller than you. I’ll take your copy of the Necronomicon and force you to eat it page by page. I’ll smack the paint off your face, son.

Oh…c’mon! Where you goin’? What’s a matter with you?!?! I was only kidding!!!!!

Dillinger Escape Plan Still Calculating Infinity

An artist's impression of The Dillinger Escape Plan's mathematical experiment.

An artist’s impression of The Dillinger Escape Plan’s mathematical experiment

NEW JERSEY — Fifteen years after they started the mathematical experiment, mathcore band The Dillinger Escape Plan are still calculating infinity.

Trapped in an underground laboratory housing super-calculators the size of four Marshall amplifiers, chief number-cruncher Ben Weinman said, “We’re making good progress. We have finally reached the equivalent of a googolplexian multiplied by
(9.99 x 10^999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999, 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999, 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999, 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999, 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999, 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999, 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999)”

“It’s only a matter of time before we reach the Holy Grail of unreal numbers.”

Due to the demanding nature of the experiment, numerous members have come and gone over the last 15 years. According to Weinman, the only original number-cruncher left, seeing the same people everyday for years on end is “a trial too great for unprofessional twerps to endure.”

But despite the volatility of the lineup, the quintet reportedly demonstrates consistently excellent teamwork. The gargantuan calculation is split equally among all five current members. On a typical day, each member would enter calculations on his calculator as quickly as possible. Once he hits the calculator screen’s limit for displaying digits, he would write it down on a piece of paper, clear the current calculation, and then begin anew.

At the end of the day, all five members would tally their numbers. Then, they go to sleep while taking turns to recite the multiplication tables.

Gregory Puciato, current deputy number-cruncher and usually the last to fall asleep, attributed his group’s camaraderie to the hope offered by an unobtainable ideal like infinity.

“When you knowingly chase after something that you know you can never get with other like-minded individuals, you feel like you have a sense of purpose and are not alone in this despair-ridden universe,” said Puciato while stroking his chin as he hung from a ceiling pipe like a bat.

Having been Nobel Prize nominees since they started their monumental work in 1999, The Dillinger Escape Plan first estimated that they would finish calculating by 2001; then they changed the estimate to 2003; then 2005; then 2007; and then 2009.

Not wanting to disappoint the Board of the Nobel Foundation further, Weinman declared an ultimatum on June 7, 2011 that if his team did not calculate infinity before the Higgs boson was discovered, he would end the experiment.

When the Higgs boson’s discovery was announced on July 4, 2012 by CERN, Weinman told press members that he was admitted into hospital for a serious head injury arising from a motorcycle accident. He was later diagnosed with a rare form of retrograde amnesia that rendered him unable to remember anything from June 7, 2011.

Genealogy Expert: Wolves in The Throne Room Not Descended From Angels

The Weaver brothers are reportedly not of angelic descent, but human. (Photo: Allison Scarpulla)

The Weaver brothers are reportedly not of angelic descent, but human. (Photo: Allison Scarpulla)

WASHINGTON — Wolves In The Throne Room did not descend from angels, said a genealogy company CEO in his 137-page report that was released on Sunday.

When the elusive forestcore duo claimed to be of celestial lineage in 2011, many of their treehouse neighbors were convinced and started spreading the claim to city dwellers as fact. But not every city dweller was convinced.

“When I first heard it, an alarm bell inside my head immediately went off,” said Tim Sullivan, avid tree metal fan and CEO of Utah-based genealogy company Ancestry.com. “I was like, ‘The lads are more likely to have descended from Tarzan.’”

Over time, Sullivan’s suspicion grew and became so unbearable that it culminated into a three-year investigation of the Wolves’ origins. The first two years were spent tracking down the Weaver brothers’ mysterious treehouse – said to contain an attic quasar and a basement galaxy – using Ptolemaic constellation maps borrowed from the Provo City Library. The final year was spent climbing to the peak of every giant sequoia in California’s Yosemite National Park in an attempt to nail down the Wolves’ exact location.

Sullivan’s patience and perseverance was rewarded just before he reached the peak of the last sequoia he climbed. Near the tip of the gargantuan tree, he saw an unassuming treehouse with an unreadable logo engraved on its termite-infested door.

“With that branch-like motif, it had forestcore written all over it,” said Sullivan. “One look and I knew that was my quarry.”

Sullivan then kicked down the fragile door and was taken aback at what he saw inside: two snoring Caucasian males lying on the filthy wooden floor, with empty Starbucks cups and apple pie bits strewn around them.

“Turns out they are as human as you and I,” said Sullivan with a shrug. “I didn’t even have to do a DNA test to confirm their humanity.”

Fellow giant sequoia resident Austin Lunn also confirms the Wolves’ lack of heavenly essence.

“I was living on this branch long before they perched themselves over there,” said the Panopticon frontman as he pointed at the doorless treehouse on a neighboring branch. “Every morning, I’d see them urinating outside their treehouse, trying to outdo each other by seeing who can hit more birds. What kind of angels do that?”

Despite being glad that he no longer has neighbors due to Sullivan’s tenacity, Lunn expressed annoyance at the Ancestry.com CEO’s explosive intrusion.

“I nearly completed recording my new 50-minute single when that idiot kicked down the door,” said Lunn. “He broke my concentration at around the 49-minute mark and I permanently forgot what chords came next! Now the single will be too brief. From now on, people are going to laugh at me for being a treehouse grindcore act.”

The Weaver brothers could not be reached for comment. When this reporter visited their California treehouse, it was deserted. They are believed to have moved to a neighboring giant sequoia. Lunn, however, believes the brothers have become one with the Lupus constellation.

Sullivan’s 137-page report on his investigative journey can be downloaded for free as an e-book from Apple’s iTunes store. It is also available on the Amazon Kindle.

Punk Rocker Joel Grind Supports PETA

Joel Grind Wearing His Favorite PVC Leather Jacket. (Photo: Matthew Germain)

Joel Grind Wearing His Favorite PVC Leather Jacket (Photo: Matthew Germain)

OREGON — Radioactive punk rocker Joel Grind announced Wednesday that he now supports PETA, flaunting his brilliant lavender PVC leather jacket in the process.

The Toxic Holocaust frontman cited black metal star Daniel Eriksson – frontman of militant demon rights group Watain – as an influence. “For many years, I have been a Watain fan. I scrutinized every detail of the band right down to the condition of the bassist’s hair ends,” said the blonde 32-year-old.

“Back in June, while working backstage at a Watain gig, I noticed that Daniel had a suspiciously light-red leather jacket. While he wasn’t looking, I checked the jacket’s tag and what do you know? It’s 66.6% PVC. So I checked his favorite black leather jacket’s tag and, yes, it’s also 66.6% PVC.”

Initially surprised that Eriksson, a renowned goat farmer and pig vampire, is not using real leather, Grind confronted Eriksson after the show.

“I just grabbed Daniel by his bony shoulders and said, ‘Look man, I know your leather jackets are fake. How can you be so un-kvlt?’ And then Daniel looked me in the eye and said, ‘Boy, what makes you think black metal stars earn enough to buy real leather jackets?’ I was floored; it was the wisest thing I heard all my life.”

Since then, Grind only buys pure PVC leather jackets. He later joined PETA because he “might as well go all the way.”

Born and raised in Delaware, Grind started listening to hardcore punk and thrash metal to escape his agricultural reality and repel farm girls. Now based in Oregon, the newly minted PETA supporter plans to spend more time raising awareness about the merits of PVC leather jackets. To appeal to minority groups, his first major project will involve playing the next 666 Toxic Holocaust concerts clad in jackets of color. Reportedly, Grind will alternate between the seven rainbow colors.

According to PETA spokesman Gaahl Goroth, Grind will soon begin a Twitter campaign aimed at converting leather-wearing metal musicians to PVC supporters, too. Pictures of Grind wearing nothing but his PVC jackets while lying down in suggestive positions will be circulated and made viral through hashtags such as #SayYesToFalseLeather, #JamesHetfield and #TweetMeLikeOneOfYourFrenchGirls.

Furthermore, Grind has announced that he will picket the release of Pokemon Alpha Sapphire and Omega Ruby this November at Nintendo’s flagship store in New York City. Members of animal rights groups Earth Crisis, Cattle Decapitation, Heaven Shall Burn and Vegan Reich are expected to join him.

SLAAAAAAAAAAAYERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!

TomAraya

 

SLAAAAAAAYERRR!!!!

 

SLAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

SLAYERRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(slayer?)…….SLAYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR.

slaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYER!

SLAYERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAYERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYER

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

S

L

A

Y

E

R!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SLAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

awwwwwww....slayer........

awwwwwww….slayer……..

SLAAAAAAAAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Or…………..Public Discourse In The 21st Century)

 

An unInterview With Tommy Christ Of Scatterbrain and Ludichrist; Though This Be Madness, There Is Method In It

scatterbrain

There have been many greatest moments in my life. The birth of my two children, my wedding day, the first time I saw Jodorowsky’s “Holy Mountain”, the time my high school basketball team came back from 8 down to win the league championship, the first time I saw an x-ray of my foot, defending my family from alligators and nuclear waste fueled swamp mutants after our plane crashed into the Everglades….

…the time my pancreas was featured on the Today Show in their “Pancreas of The Month” segment, the day I found out that my neighbors wife wasn’t missing, but had been consumed by him in an all-night Santeria ritual meant to bring a plague of locust on the people of Peru…

…..the time during college when myself and a couple of friends stole an 800 pound orangatuan from the Bronx Zoo, the moment I realized I had the power to become a donkey merely by selling my eternal soul to former President Jimmy Carter and the day I first learned that Al Roker was my biological  father.

However, all great days pale in comparison to today. For this is the day I get to publish an unInterview with a man I’m not afraid to say that I love. His music has shaped me into the deluded, psychotic misanthrope that I am today.

Both Scatterbrain and Ludichrist helped me discover the parts of myself that were missing after I was accidentally dismembered on an assembly line in Flint, Michigan back in 1953.

Now, without further adieu (as the French say), I present to you The Man, The Myth, The Legend….Tommy Christ….

Why did you kick Slash out of the band?

Two stars keep not their motion in one sphere;

When did you first realize Led Zeppelin had plagiarized a portion of “Whole Lotta Love” from Scatterbrain’s “Down With The Ship”?

Who steals my purse steals trash. ‘Tis something, nothing:

‘Twas mine, ’tis his, and has been slave to thousands.

But he that filches from me my good name

Robs me of that which not enriches him

And makes me poor indeed.

Rank your favorite Hawkwind albums in order 1 through 983.

I am but mad north-north-west. When the wind is southerly I

know a hawk from a handsaw.

When Rob Halford rejoined Ludichrist, do you think it improved the band or do you think you were better off with Blaze Bayley singing?

And I can teach thee, coz, to shame the devil

By telling truth: tell truth and shame the devil.

If thou have power to raise him, bring him hither,

And I’ll be sworn I have power to shame him hence.

O, while you live, tell truth and shame the devil!

ludichrist

How come Steve Perry won’t play live with you anymore? Is it because he is short?

I have long dreamt of such a kind of man,

So surfeit-swell’d, so old, and so profane;

But being awak’d, I do despise my dream.

Do you ever wear pleather on stage? How about around the house?

What, is the jay more precious than the lark

Because his feathers are more beautiful?

Who is a better drummer Ricki Rocket or a sock puppet?

None better than to let him fetch off his drum, which you hear him so confidently undertake to do.

How did your band end up with the starring role in 2 Fast 2 Furious? And what did you do to make Bill O’Reilly so angry?

Can he be angry? I have seen the cannon,

When it hath blown his ranks into the air,

And, like the devil, from his very arm

Puff’d his own brother:—and can he be angry?

Something of moment then: I will go meet him:

There’s matter in’t indeed, if he be angry.

Did Mitt Romney get your permission to use “This Party Sucks” before campaign speeches or did he do that without asking?

O, he is as tedious

As a tired horse, a railing wife;

Worse than a smoky house: I had rather live

With cheese and garlic in a windmill, far,

Than feed on cates and have him talk to me

In any summer-house in Christendom.

That time you toured with so and so. What was that like?

Set you down this;

And say besides, that in Aleppo once,

Where a malignant and a turban’d Turk

Beat a Venetian and traduced the state,

I took by the throat the circumcised dog,

And smote him, thus.

wbr20lw

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