Bruce Jenner Claims Gluten Ruined His Life; Is Often Mistaken For Axl Rose

Nutritionists are calling for the FDA to reclassify gluten as a Class 4 toxin after Bruce Jenner went public with allegations that General Mills has been tampering with his DNA using the high dose GMO gluten found in Wheaties cereal.

Jenner has been the subject of a smear campaign in tabloid journals which accuse the former athlete of transitioning from a man into a female, but Tyranny sources may have uncovered evidence that Jenner is still a man in a man’s body, doing manly things. People who know of Jenner say that his new look is the culmination of 45 years of eating Wheaties and the subsequent free radicals that have inflamed his pancreas to five times it’s normal circumference.


At first, Jenner seemed to be enjoying the effects gluten was having on his physique, noting that he often was mistaken for Axl Rose in public and was repeatedly accosted by roaming bands of 40 something dudes who wanted him to autograph their knuckles, but as time wore on, so did gluten’s toll on Jenner’s health and relationships.

The Jenner residence has become a nightly stop for Malibu police ever since neighbors have begin to complain of “raucous singing at all hours of the night that sounds like Ethel Merman belting out Knock Knock Knocking On Heaven’s Door wearing weasel infested bloomers.” Kris Jenner has reached out to the public and has asked for drivers who see Bruce running down the highway with Wheaties boxes on his hands and feet to refrain from tossing gluten containing substances from their car windows and turn off any Guns ‘N’ Roses songs that might be playing.

Gluten has become a very controversial substance recently, and the Jenner tragedy has many people asking themselves if they might be at risk for gluten transmitted diseases when they enjoy all you can eat breadsticks or snack on a Pop Tart? Research has shown that consuming at least a half cup of aspartame before consuming gluten containing foods significantly reduces the chance that the sickness you die from will be gluten related. Homeopathy has also proven a good first line of defense against gluten contracted dehydration. As with all health concerns, always be sure to consult at least six or seven anonymous Internet personalities for health advice, and at a bare minimum, do not have your children vaccinated, just in case.

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Lou Pearlman’s Former Boy Band Black Sabbath Enter Their 45th Year

Pearlman In His Pre-Prison Days

Pearlman In His Pre-Prison Days

Long before famed music impresario Lou Pearlman created famed boy bands like The Backstreet Boys and N’Sync, he left a more lasting and indelible impact on the world of music by creating the most famed heavy metal band in history. Black Sabbath, the brainchild of the teenage Pearlman, initially came into being as what he liked to call a “heavy boy band”. Years later, they are metal legends.

Pearlman, who is currently serving 25 years in federal prison for conspiracy and money laundering, recalls the early days of the group fondly.

“I remember thinking to myself that if I had a little bit of front money and four out-of-work British musician looking guys, I could really strike it rich. All the stuff coming out at the time seemed really dark, so I figured if I created an evil version of The Beatles it might catch on. Throw in a little satanic imagery, some hip shaking grooves and wham…bam….Magic Sam…we got ourselves a number one hit record.”

One of Pearlman's First Sabbath Pictures

One of Pearlman’s First Sabbath Pictures

Pearlman discovered the band outside of an unemployment office in Workington. He offered them 20 dollars and a warm place to sleep for the week if they’d agree to take some photos pretending to be a band called Sabbath (Pearlman later changed the name to Black Sabbath because it sounded ‘even more evil’).

There was only one problem, none of the men had ever played an instrument.

Lou, whose uncle was Ray Pearlman an IBM employee who developed a punch card computer system that wrote and played music in the late 1960s, borrowed the system and within two hours penned the entire first Black Sabbath record.

“The music sounded great, but the computer couldn’t simulate a voice that sounded right. I thought about it and realized Mick Jagger couldn’t carry a tune if it had handles on it. I just went in and asked the boys who could yell the loudest. Ozzy raised his hand. The rest is history!”

Pearlman gave Ozzy a steak and a bottle of Thunderbird wine in exchange for the vocal tracks. Pearlman edited them into the music (using the alias Rodger Bain in order to not have his fingerprints all over the band’s work) and sent it to a friend of his at a label known as Vertigo. Within a few months, the album reached number 23 on the Billboard Top 200 list.

For the band’s early years, Pearlman was pulling most of the strings. He carefully orchestrated a menacing, sinister image for the band and had them take lessons to learn their instruments in order to help heavy boy band music (later known as heavy metal) catch on. He even created a convincing back story about the members of the band being parts of earlier projects with bizarre names like Earth and The Polka Tulk Blues Band.

Boy Band Black Sabbath Today

Boy Band Black Sabbath Today

In an odd turn of events, Pearlman, who gained a reputation for allegedly scamming bands out of their just due, was himself robbed of his rightful place in the annals of heavy metal history. The band cut ties with Pearlman, who at that time was going by the name of Incognito Johnson and running a series of tanning parlors in Arizona, in 1974. His name was removed from everything associated with the band and members of Black Sabbath have claimed to have no idea who he is.

Pearlman, who is expected to be released from prison in 2029, believes that he will one day be rightfully acknowledged for his role in creating heavy metal.

“Look, I know I’ve probably done a few bad things in my life. Ponzi schemes, releasing music that was unfit to be played in Guantanamo Bay torture chambers….hell, I even stole a blimp once! But, at the end of the day, I deserve to also be remembered as the guy who brought the world the greatest boy band of all-time, Black Sabbath.”

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New Showtime Series To Document Filming of HBO Series About Dave Grohl

grohl

(article contributed by Tyranny of Tradition Correspondent Joe O’Connell)

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON DC — At the opening of the Rockumentary Hall of Fame, Dave Grohl announced today that The Foo Fighters (Grohl, Taylor Hawkins, that old dude from the Germs, a guy who plays guitar, and some other guy who plays 4-stringed guitar) would be participating in a new Showtime series that documents the making of the HBO documentary series, Sonic Highways.

Subsonic Crossroads will include cover versions of songs from Sonic Highways, featuring Grohl on ukulele, Cronos from Venom on lead bass, dancing from the surviving members of Shalamar, and Neil Peart playing percussion on the corpse of Conrad Bain.

It also contains a brand new song written in and about the city of Milwaukee entitled “Brats Eating Brats”, as an homage to Grohl’s lifelong love of the Cream City’s own BoDeans.

“We wanted to capture the experience of what it was like to capture the experience of writing and recording songs in cities all across America,” said Grohl. “Everyone knows my love of Rush and Diff’rent Strokes. Plus we successfully drugged Robert Plant and convinced him he was singing back-up vocals on a folk album by hobbits. That’s HIM on the “Brats” chorus, man – I can’t wait til he hears it for the first time! I’m really excited to breathe fresh life into something that…”, Grohl added, before trailing off mid-sentence and abandoning the interview to talk into a different documentary’s camera about how much the Descendents meant to him.

Subsonic Crossroads will be available everywhere April 19th on Record Store Day.

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Kanye West Interrupts Grammys; Announces Behemoth’s “The Satanist” Should Have Been Album of Year

beck-kanye-west Kanye West’s unending stretch of boorish behavior at award shows continued on Sunday night when he rushed the stage during the presentation of the Grammy for “Aging Hipster of The Year” to Beck. After knocking Beck’s 113-pound body to the floor and kicking the trophy out of his hand, Kanye announced, “I don’t know why you are giving an award to this scrawny, barista looking guy, but I do know this, Behemoth’s ‘The Satanist’ should have been album of the year!”

Kanye is no stranger to controversy. He has gained a reputation for interrupting televised events in order to yammer on about something or other. Back in 2003, he interrupted the National Anthem during Game 5 of the World Series, grabbing the microphone from Celine Dion and announcing that “if you are a real American, you need to stop listening to this tone-deaf grandpa grabber and pick up 10 copies of USA for MOD.”

In order to keep Americans abreast of every passing thought that drifts through his celebrity mind, Kanye has disturbed everything from an episode of “The American Bible Challenge” to a community access hunting show in Helena, Montana. PBS cooking show host Martin Yan memorably stabbed Kanye in his surgically reconstructed jaw for interrupting his “Yan Can Cook” show when he ran on the set and began loudly insisting that Yan had secretly used monosodium glutamate in many of his recipes.

Kanye’s most famous outburst came during The 2005 Concert To Alleviate The Guilt of CNN Viewers. His performance helped to generate money for hurricane survivors, but many critics were critical of his “metalicization” of a somber and important event. After his performance he was asked about the cancelation of a Mayhem concert in New Orleans days after Hurricane Katrina, Kanye famously quipped “George W. Bush doesn’t care about black metal.”

I'm Not Saying He's A Golddigger, But They Don't Remind Me Much of Heidegger

I’m Not Saying They Are Golddiggers, But They Don’t Remind Me Much of Heidegger

At a press conference after the event, Kanye heaped further praise on the Polish death metal juggernaut Behemoth. “Honestly, except for the whole idea of putting screen doors on submarines, I never really thought of the Polish as very innovative. Then, I heard ‘The Satanist’ and was like ‘Whoa!”

“They are like the Beatles of Death Metal. The death metal Andy Warhols. The number one most impactful death metal artists of their time. They liberate minds from the lyrical Apartheid of minimalist bloodlust. They are the atom to Robert Oppenheimer’s atomic. They are like a cross between Egyptian pharaoh Akhenaten, Paul Newman and Martin Heidegger.”

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(Art by ZKD)

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Mother of Unvaccinated 2-Year-Old: “Why Does My Daughter Look Like Phil Anselmo?”

2-Year-Old Spumoni Doltberg

2-Year-Old Spumoni Doltberg

Looks like the whole “Americans choosing not vaccinate their children crisis thing that everyone seems to be worked up about” has gone to a new level!

When a woman in Menlo Park, California showed up at a local emergency room with a nearly 6 foot tall, bearded 2-year-old with an “Unscarred” tattoo across her flabby stomach, doctors believed something might be wrong. It was then that Helen Doltberg revealed to the staff that she had not had her child vaccinated for any disease in the hopes of being more like some of the B-list, crackpot celebrities she stares blankly at on the television in her free time.

“Look, it’s a competitive world out there. How can I possibly expect to keep up with the demands of work and parenting while still trying to get my family its own reality show? The answer is…no vaccines.”

“Sure, Spumoni (Helen’s daughter) may end up with some virus that science eradicated decades ago, but it seemed just as likely that she would morph into some attention grabbing, cloven-hooved beast that television producers couldn’t ignore. We took a risk. But, we never expected anything like this.”

This would be the first reported case of Anselmo contracted in the United States since 2005. Back in 1938, Dr. Jonas Liposuct famously created a vaccine for the virus from mold that had accumulated on a 4-year-old Twinkie. Until the vaccine was created, over 20,000 Americans were infected with Anselmo on a yearly basis.

One of The Infected

Former American President Chester Arthur During a Brief Bout With Anselmo in The Year 536 BCE

The long history of Anslemo-related deaths in the United States goes back to the 1700s when Sir Jeffrey Amherst distributed blankets infected with the disease to members of the Fugawi tribe in Massachusetts killing off nearly 90 percent of them within 3 weeks. Amherst later had a town and a college named after him in honor of his great spirit of generosity and creativity.

The first recorded case of Anselmo struck a group of Taters who contracted the virus by eating chimpanzees during their voyage through one of the Italian rainforests in the 1340s. The Taters went on to attack the Italian city of Caffa in 1346, but were so overwhelmed by the virus that they gave up their siege. Still, determined to inflict the maximum amount of suffering on the residents of Caffa in order to avenge the theft of The Sacred Spud from the Tater city of Fribourg back in 1273, they became the first army to attempt the use of biological warfare.  The last remaining Tater soldiers vaulted Anselmo infected bodies over the city walls infecting the entire population of the city with the deadly virus as well as causing the city’s burgeoning thrash metal scene to adopt a more “groove-oriented” sound.

The Obama Administration was initially blamed for allowing an American to contract the disease, but claimed to have been too busy infecting dwarves with measles and rubella in their attempt to turn Disneyland into a FEMA concentration camp. Because Obama and his cabal of Kenyan communists were unavailable to be held accountable for this problem, the media has shifted its focus to blaming athletes who do not act as role models, Congressional gridlock, Craigslist, radical Islamic groups throughout the Middle East, people who receive welfare, the police, members of the rap group 2 Live Crew, Chinese toy manufacturers, puppy mill owners, and Casey Anthony.

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How To Avoid Talking About American Sniper

american_sniper

In my ongoing refusal to take any “enlightened” debate about American culture seriously, I’ve been working on ways to extricate myself from discussing American Sniper with anyone.

The trick is to say something so outrageous that the person who has sucked you into the discussion will dismiss you as being completely insane or will simply have nowhere to go with the conversation. They will then awkwardly switch topics and begin frantically discussing the weather or the inflation level of the average NFL football.

Often, if done correctly, the person will simply move on to hassle someone else, repeating the same canned, hackneyed monologue about how people today hate good old fashion American heroism or how George W. Bush is about as smart as a bag of kidney stones.

You will have done the only thing that a sane person can do to survive the onslaught of the only product this nation is capable of producing anymore…useless, illogical opinions. Then, you can devote to focusing your mental energy on truly important questions, like who will play drums on the next Megadeth record.

Feel free to use these:

“People say that American Sniper guy was an evil guy and a killer and whatnot, but personally, I think his clown paintings are beautiful.”

“You think being a marine sniper is stressful! You should try coaching high school basketball.”

“Speaking of American Sniper, have you ever seen Gigli?”

“You know, if guns were illegal in Iraq, none of this would have ever happened.”

“You could tell when you were watching Bradley Cooper in that A-Team movie a few years back that he was an actor cut out to make important films.”

“They should make a movie about a hipster sniper. He could carry a ferret with him at all times and hum MGMT songs while he shoots people.”

“American Sniper is probably Leni Reifenstahl’s greatest film!”

“Did you catch the Jessie Ventura cameo?”

“Do you think Clint Eastwood is ever going to do another film with that orangutan?”

“Wouldn’t it have been awesome if Clint Eastwood made the whole film exactly the same way, but instead of having Bradley Cooper play the sniper, he used the orangutan?”

“My only problem is the movie lacked diversity. Sure he killed 160 people, but they were pretty much all the same race.”

“The movie poignantly displays man’s quest to preserve his humanity in the face of having to make life or death decisions in the service of his nation. It speaks to the deepest and most powerful emotions a person can possibly experience. Have you played the Xbox version yet?”

“You want to talk about a talented sniper! I hear the sequel to American Sniper is going to be about a marine who hit a moving, guarded target with 2 shots from almost 3 football fields away in a building three stories up. The future of the Free World was in his hands and his performance was flawless. His aim was so good that, to this day, most people fail to believe he was capable of doing it alone.

His name was Lee Harvey Oswald.”

(thanks to R. Lee Ermey, Gustav Hasford and Stanley Kubrick on that last one)

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