How To Avoid Talking About American Sniper

american_sniper

In my ongoing refusal to take any “enlightened” debate about American culture seriously, I’ve been working on ways to extricate myself from discussing American Sniper with anyone.

The trick is to say something so outrageous that the person who has sucked you into the discussion will dismiss you as being completely insane or will simply have nowhere to go with the conversation. They will then awkwardly switch topics and begin frantically discussing the weather or the inflation level of the average NFL football.

Often, if done correctly, the person will simply move on to hassle someone else, repeating the same canned, hackneyed monologue about how people today hate good old fashion American heroism or how George W. Bush is about as smart as a bag of kidney stones.

You will have done the only thing that a sane person can do to survive the onslaught of the only product this nation is capable of producing anymore…useless, illogical opinions. Then, you can devote to focusing your mental energy on truly important questions, like who will play drums on the next Megadeth record.

Feel free to use these:

“People say that American Sniper guy was an evil guy and a killer and whatnot, but personally, I think his clown paintings are beautiful.”

“You think being a marine sniper is stressful! You should try coaching high school basketball.”

“Speaking of American Sniper, have you ever seen Gigli?”

“You know, if guns were illegal in Iraq, none of this would have ever happened.”

“You could tell when you were watching Bradley Cooper in that A-Team movie a few years back that he was an actor cut out to make important films.”

“They should make a movie about a hipster sniper. He could carry a ferret with him at all times and hum MGMT songs while he shoots people.”

“American Sniper is probably Leni Reifenstahl’s greatest film!”

“Did you catch the Jessie Ventura cameo?”

“Do you think Clint Eastwood is ever going to do another film with that orangutan?”

“Wouldn’t it have been awesome if Clint Eastwood made the whole film exactly the same way, but instead of having Bradley Cooper play the sniper, he used the orangutan?”

“My only problem is the movie lacked diversity. Sure he killed 160 people, but they were pretty much all the same race.”

“The movie poignantly displays man’s quest to preserve his humanity in the face of having to make life or death decisions in the service of his nation. It speaks to the deepest and most powerful emotions a person can possibly experience. Have you played the Xbox version yet?”

“You want to talk about a talented sniper! I hear the sequel to American Sniper is going to be about a marine who hit a moving, guarded target with 2 shots from almost 3 football fields away in a building three stories up. The future of the Free World was in his hands and his performance was flawless. His aim was so good that, to this day, most people fail to believe he was capable of doing it alone.

His name was Lee Harvey Oswald.”

(thanks to R. Lee Ermey, Gustav Hasford and Stanley Kubrick on that last one)

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Umlaut Shortage Causes Cancellation of Motley Crue Tour Dates

Motley-Crue-umlauts

As the America’s supply of umlauts drops to record lows, some bands are going as far as canceling shows instead of paying the exorbitant cost of purchasing them to put on signs and merchandise. Up until this point, only underground bands like Laaz Rockit have been impacted and had to cancel concerts, but even big name acts like Motley Crue are now being affected.

Motley Crue plans to cancel five dates on their annual final tour instead of spending thousands of dollars per umlaut, the going rate in many parts of the United States. The “It’s Never Too Late To Cash In On The Public’s Fixation With Nostalgia Tour” will no longer be coming to Phoenix, Sacramento and some other places that probably weren’t worth visiting anyway. In Europe, where umlauts grow freely on trees and can be purchased at the same cost as most other punctuation marks, none of the tour dates will be cancelled.

In order to conserve umlauts, some critics have suggested the band could do the shows as Motley Crew. However, according to drummer Tommy Lee, The Crue believe in keeping the integrity of the band’s initial mission sacred. That mission, to bring hard rocking ballads and ironic, faux-European pronunciations to the masses, should not be compromised under any circumstances.

“You can’t spell Motley Crue without the umlauts. I mean, you wouldn’t spell Jesus without a J. It would just just be “Esus” then. And who would take a guy named “Esus” seriously. No umlauts, no Crue…bottom line!”

Motley Crue’s resistance to compromise on its umlaut usage has struck many Americans as being selfish, particularly in a time of crisis. Many impoverished German Americans have been forced to sign their names without umlauts for several months now because of “umlaut gouging” in cities like Madison, Wisconsin and Fargo, North Dakota.

Umlaut Starved Crue Members Eating Guitars To Maintain Their Strength

Umlaut-Starved Crue Members Eating Guitars To Maintain Their Strength

The public health toll of a potential American umlaut famine could be devastating. German infants, who need umlaut milk to avoid vitamin deficiencies and Pointed Head Syndrome, will be hit the hardest. Some mothers have gone so far as to try to supplement the diets of their babies with less nutrient rich asterisks and ampersands. Several parents have even taken to giving their children 1.99 cent a gallon unleaded gasoline in their breakfast cereals.

Jurgen Cathe, head of Rindfleischetikettierungsuberwachungsaufgabenubertragungsgesetz for the Ethical Treatment of Geschwindigkeitsbegrenzung, plans to have his group protest several of the remaining American concerts because of the band’s “unwillingness to change their name and confront the most diacritical problem in America today.”

(Due to budget restrictions, Tyranny of Tradition was unable to afford umlauts for this article. If you need to use umlauts in order to understand the text, please print the article out and place appropriate dots above the correct letters)

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Ozzy Checks Into Rehabilitation Center For Addiction To Marzipan

Ozzy After Passing Out In A Bowl of Soup Saturday Night

Ozzy After Passing Out In A Bowl of Soup on Saturday Night

Heavy metal rocker Ozzy Osbourne reportedly checked into The Barbara Ford Center For Confectionary Addiction on Sunday morning after a weeklong Marzipan bender that nearly cost him his teeth and pancreas. He was found face-down in a bowl of lobster bisque at a diner in Manassas, Virginia late Saturday night. Doctors tested his Blood Glucose Level and found it to be 4 million milligrams per deciliter (over 3.9 million milligrams higher than it should have been), a clear sign of a Marzipan overdose.

Osbourne, who has recently cancelled a Black Sabbath show due to what some are calling a “Marzipan Hangover”, has struggled with addiction throughout a good portion of his career. Recently however, Ozzy has become incoherent when speaking, has fallen off the stage during concerts and burned 1/3 of Arizona to the ground while making a grilled cheese sandwich.

Ozzy Can't Figure Out Why The Motorcycle Won't Move

Ozzy Exhibiting Marzipan Dementia…Unsure Why The Bike Won’t Start

Addiction to Marzipan (or Marzy, as it is often called on the streets) is a particularly difficult habit to quit. People often begin eating the sticky, sweet substance at parties. Quickly, they will move onto smoking or snorting Marzipan to get a quicker, stronger high. From there, many addicts will boil the substance into a paste and inject it directly into their bloodstream.

At the height of Jimmy “Bloodwrench” Martin’s Marzipan addiction, he was shooting the substance directly into his eyeballs eight or nine times a day. Martin, the bass player for math rock legends Morbid Angle, was hooked on “Marzy” for 3 years before he realized he needed help.

“My teeth had begun to rot, I had sores all over my body, I developed Type 1 through 16 Diabetes…just to get that rush. I’d wake up at 3 AM in a cold sweat trying to get my Marzipan dealer on the phone. I sold my toaster, my television, even my bass at one point. I was desperate. Anything to get that fix.”

Martin has finally gotten clean. Today, he works at The Hershey Center in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania helping rehabilitate other Marzipan addicts.

“Things are rougher out there then they were when I was using. It’s not just Marzipan anymore. We’ve had 13-year-old kids come into the center after getting caught freebasing nougat. The Court sent one guy here because he tried to shoot an entire flan into his arm. It’s a crisis out there and nobody seems to be paying attention.”

Ozzy Mistakes Kermit For A Marzipan Cupcake, Tries To Eat Him

Ozzy Mistakes Kermit For A Marzipan Cupcake, Tries To Eat Him

While Ozzy is the first high profile, celebrity, heavy metal rock and roll rocker to seek help for his addiction other heavy metallers have run into problems with Marzipan. Irish authorities detained Testament singer Chuck Billy last year when he attempted to smuggle an entire Battenberg Cake (a dessert that uses so-called “Marzipan Frosting”) out of the country in his suitcase. Marzipan is not technically illegal in Ireland, so Billy was released, but he was placed on a Department of Homeland Security Watchlist due to the incident.

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The Best Metal Albums of 2015 So Far

The Internet Features Many Pictures Of Things Used In A Context Different From What Is Expected

The Internet Features Many Pictures Of People In Strange Contexts Often Different From What We Were Expecting

This year is shaping up to be one of the finest in the long, storied history of heavy metal. 2015 is less than 17 hours old and their have already been tens of thousands of great metal albums released to the public.

In fact, since midnight Slayer has already released a remarkable 7 albums, Megadeth has put out 9 LPs (which means around 4 good songs) and Devin Townsend has put out 137 records. In the last hour alone, 91,783 metal albums have been released.

If you took all the albums put out in the last 17 hours and stacked them on top of each other they would go all the way to Pluto…and back!

In order to absorb the amount of albums that have come out, I underwent surgery this morning to have 437 ears attached to my body. In order to accommodate all the new ears, I was stretched to 12 foot 8. Currently, I have 917 stereo systems playing 917 different records simultaneously.

While I’ve only had a chance to listen to the 786,012 albums one time through, I feel confident that I can discern which of these (now 793,124) albums are the 10 best. My only concern is that in taking the time to write this list I will be missing out on nearly 2,354 new albums. I will need to wake up an hour or two early in order to catch up lest I let things snowball on me and, by September, have somewhere in the neighborhood of a 978 million album deficit.

Abbath!  Got'cha Again!

Abbath! Got’cha Again!

 

Here goes…

10. A Dog Barking At 3:17 AM Waking Me From A Dream In Which Myself And Sophia Loren Are Eating Seal Meat

by Austere Lymph Node

9. The Tape Some Rapper Gave Me At The North Dekalb Mall That I Threw In The Garbage The Minute I Was Out of His Range of Sight

by Yung Elderly

8. The Odd, Porpoise-like Grunting Noise The Guy Next To Me At The Gym Made When Auburn Scored A Touchdown

by Nefarious Old Person

7. A Chevy Tahoe In The Lane Next To Me Needs A New Muffler

by Senseless Barbecue

6. My Feet Grow Cold. I Get Up Out of My Chair In Order to Get A Pair of Socks. The Chair Squeaks.

by Murderous Narcolepsy

5. Flossing For The Second Time In An Hour

by Hypotenuse Death Angle

4.  The Kids Are Listening To Some Moronic British Kid Yelling About Minecraft on Youtube

by Iron Steel

3.  Mumbling Under My Breath At The Wendy’s Manager Because They Opened Five Minutes Late

by As I Lay Down For A Nap

2.  I Wonder Aloud As To Whether Obscure Character Actor Fritz Weaver Is Still Alive. My Wife Ignores This Statement And Continues Reading.

by Iconoclastic Necromyopic Marzipan Blood Colon

1.  Otters

by Benign Malignancy

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Top 10 Metal Albums From 2104 List or Whatever

This Article Is Pretty Mediocre, So I Figured I'd Distract You By Putting A Danzig Meme On Top of It

I’ll Be Honest With You, This Article Is Pretty Lousy.  However, I Thought I Might Distract You From That Painful Fact With A Danzig Meme.

2014 certainly was a year. It went by quickly and more of us were born than died. So, I guess things are looking up.

There were at least 10 incredible metal albums that came out this year. Unfortunately, I haven’t listened to any of them.

However, I am strong believer in the principles of jurnalizmcore (whatever they may be) and feel it is my solemn obligation to inflict upon you my opinion on what the best albums to come out in the past year were.

10. Licking Nutella Out Of a Goat’s Armpit

by A Plethora of Ants Eating The Lining of My Stomach

The second effort from this 93-piece grindcore orchestra from Wheeling, West Virginia turned heads by becoming the first CD in the history of heavy metal to explode when placed in any sort of listening device.   So far, over 917 people have been maimed or killed by the record.

9.You And I Both Have Horrible Sores And Boils All Over Our Faces But We Are Still Human Beings And Deserve To Be Treated With Respect and Dignity

by Kankles On The Legs of Satan’s Younger Brother Ralph

This pop-power metal noise polka Eucharistcore mummy alphabet chicken Montreal haphazardly blackened deathrot band debuted with a record that many have compared to the noise made by a hippopatamus being slaughtered during a ritual sacrifice in Youngstown, Ohio by a roomful of Shriners.

1. Milk of Magnesia of Human Kindness

by Impetigo Sore Ridden Kidney and The Pips

I once witnessed a homicide in Troy, New York. It sounded like this album, only people were smart enough to run away.

Abbath Meme.  Boom!  I Bet You Already Forgot What The Article Was About

Abbath Meme. Boom! I Bet You Already Forgot What The Article Was About

S?.  Illegally Downloaded Version of Ride The Lightning

by Metallica

Sounds exactly like the legal version that people paid for except I had to type the names of the songs in (which was a serious inconvenience)

Twelve. Angel of Rotting Succubus Infected With The Worms of Evil

by Some Band That Sounds Like Slayer

I read somewhere that Joss Whedon had a painful adolescence. Too bad it didn’t continue.

Some number that rhymes with Twelve. I Went To Have Tests Done At A Local Hospital and They Diagnosed Me With A Horrible Disease That Only About Two Hundred People On Earth Have. I Ran Home And Named My Band After It.

by Rheumatoid Hemorrhagic Mump-Measals

A playful mixture Incantation, The Early Writings of The Marquis de Sade and Bob Marley. Sort of like listening to the last Burzum album after sustaining a traumatic head injury.

7. Fetal Gunshot Syndrome

by Fatal Head Wound

Best rap metal album to come out since the last rap metal album came out.

8. After Smoking For Thirty Years One Of My Lungs Looks Like A Plate of General Tso’s Chicken

by After Smoking For Thirty Years One Of My Lungs Looks Like A Plate of General Tso’s Chicken

I’m getting sick of trying to describe these albums. Most of them sound the same.   I’m just going to type the first words that come to mind.

”Rattlesnake”….”Pomegranate”…”Optimum”….”Opiate”….

1398741_490747901039597_2094727102_o

4. Jeff Hanneman Jokes Aren’t Funny

by Some Guy Who Just Told Me A Rick Allen Joke

I’m sure that just pissed someone off

W.  Malaria:  One of The Most Deadly Diseases On The Planet Yet Not One Metal Band Is Named After It

by Echo, The Bunnymen and Narcissus

Sounds like a cross between Nell Carter during her doom metal phase, early Pestilence, Erasure and mayonnaise.

2.  Tim Lambesis

by My Dying Bride

Many believe this album might be a hit…

*rimshot*

“I’ll be here all week.  Thanks.  Try the veal”

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Atlanta Falcons Fire Former Suffocation Drummer Mike Smith

Smith Moments After The Team's 34-3 Loss To Carolina

Smith Moments After The Team’s 34-3 Loss To Carolina

The organization that many refer to as “The Cleveland Browns of The South” fired death metal drummer Mike Smith during a confusing morning press conference today at Flowery Branch. Team owner Arthur Blank cited Smith, whose speed and precision made him a legend during his days as skinsman for Long Island Slam-o-death kings Suffocation, as a major reason for the team’s horrendous performance over the past two seasons.

“Mike’s work, particularly on the double bass pedal, will be remembered by this organization, but things just weren’t clicking and we decided we needed to go in another direction,” said Blank to a room full of bewildered Atlanta media members.

Owner Arthur Blank Fielding A Question About The Album "Blood Oath" Earlier Today

Owner Arthur Blank Fielding A Question About The Album “Blood Oath” Earlier Today

Reports had surfaced earlier this week that Blank was growing increasingly frustrated with Smith’s decision making. The owner was particularly unhappy with what he referred to as “Smith’s poor time signature management”.

Much of Blank’s dissatisfaction stemmed from a Suffocation concert he had attended back in 1993 where Smith accidentally called a timeout during the last few measures of the song “Effigy of The Forgotten”. A source close to the team admitted that Blank blamed the drummer’s mistake for a close loss to Cleveland earlier in the season.

Julio Jones Not Fumbling During Yesterday's Game

Falcons Receiver Julio Jones Not Fumbling During Yesterday’s Game

Smith, who was at his home in Coram, Long Island during the game, was surprised that a football team who had never hired him had chosen to blame him for their failures and terminate his non-existent contract.

“I got a call a few weeks ago from some raving lunatic who claimed to own the Falcons. He started telling me that if the Falcons didn’t make the playoffs I was going to lose my job. I told him I had never even been to a Falcon game. He said something like ‘maybe that’s why the team is underperforming’.”

“Last night, he called me back yelling about how much he hated the album ‘Breeding The Spawn’ and how the whole season was my fault.  Then, he told me I was fired and hung up.  It was all very strange.”

In spite of the fact that Smith has nothing to do with the team, he admitted that he had watched the 31-point shellacking at the hands of the Panthers and was disappointed that the team had “performed poorly in all four phases of the game…offense, defense, special teams and cookie monster vocals.”

General Manager Thomas Dimitroff has already begun a search for Smith’s successor. This morning, the organization contacted Deicide about the availability of drummer Steve Asheim. One report claimed the Falcons are seriously considering pursuing free agent drummer Gene Hoglan to fill the make-believe vacancy. The team, however, has denied they have any interest in hiring former 49ers coach and Morbid Angel drummer Jim Harbaugh because he is “too extreme”.

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Proposed Lyrics To Metallica’s “Unforgiven Four”

metallica

“Yes, we sell out. Every seat in the house. Every time we play. Anywhere we play.”

-Jason Newsted on VH-1’s Behind The Music: Metallica

Unforgiven Four

(Song begins sounding almost exactly like Unforgiven 3 in the hopes of capitalizing on earlier Metallica work and ensuring that the landscaping on Mr. Hetfield’s home in Malibu will be paid for well into the next century)

How could we know

Writing four-minute ballads-ah,

Would change our lives for-ever-ah?

Hired Bob Rock to change our course,

Sold trillions of records-ah,

Caused old metalheads

Senseless pain,

In our quest for Bentleys.

Been confused,

Always confused,

By the rage they’re feeling.

We…ARE…A…COM-MOD-ITY,

That’s…..what…you…want us….to be,

(What you want us to be)

(Chorus)

How come if we suuuuu-ck,

We make more money this way?

Stopped playing no-name clubs,

You should see our 401-Ks!

How can we go wrong?

This is the American Way,

How can we sell out?

This is how the game play—-dah.

People like to whine,

About how things have changed,

Distracts them from their lives,

To us it just seems strange.

We do what people waaaaa-nnn-tttt,

We have become unsure,

If we’ve always been a business,

What should we be Un-forgiven Forrrrrrrrr?

(Mediocre instrumental part that ham-handedly transitions from cannibalizing The Unforgiven 3 to regurgitating the first part of Unforgiven 2)

Lay beside me,

Try not to make me grin,

Commodity fetishism-mmmah,

Is surely not a sin.

We are rock icons,

We certainly do not care,

About your lives, about your ideas,

Just please don’t file share.

Lay Beside Me,

And I’ll tell you how things are done,

You act the part,

Hock an image,

None of this is true.

We are a consumer item

Just like Elmer’s Glue,

Well…they’ve been selling rock as revolution,

Since 1962,

If you can understand McDonald’s,

Then you understand what we do.

Yeah, you can understand what we do-ah!

(Chorus)

What we’ve done,

What we’ve sold,

You know the rules,

No one’s been rolled,

You hate the system,

But you participate too—ah.

Yeah…What we’ve felt,

What we’ve known,

Hegemonic mediocrity,

Etched in stone.

Behind our masks,

We are amused by youuuu-ah.

Before you call,

Lars a whore,

Then peddle your skills,

To buy seats on the floor,

Remind us again why you’re so pure,

And we’re The Un-forgiven Four.

(Mildly interesting but forgettable solo section that somehow meanders into a new chorus meant to put an end to this monstrosity of a song)

You think we’re old,

But we’ll survive,

In ten years you’ll get nostaligiccc-ah

Want to see us live,

Pay 400 dollars,

To hear us play The Unforgiven Five-ah.

Yeah…The Unforgiven…………..Five……

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