King For A Day: My Adventures Roaming Around The City of Atlanta Dressed As King Diamond

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I’ll admit it; I’m probably not the most normal person on the planet. Some would say there is no such thing as “not normal”. They have never encountered a 39-year-old man pretending to be King Diamond at a Quik Trip gas station trying to buy a chocolate chip muffin and a Pepsi.

For a very long time, I have wondered what it would be like to walk around a major American city in King Diamond paint for an entire day. I’m not sure what started the wheels turning on this one for me. I never particularly liked mimes or really anyone who wears large amounts of face paint.

I’m a moderate fan of The King. I’ve gone through phases where I listened to a lot of his music, but I’m certainly not like the guy who was standing next to me at the 1993 Halloween concert holding a wooden cross upside down and chanting in tongues for 20 minutes before The Man got up on stage.

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The transformation process was a bit strange. It took about 45 minutes to get the makeup right. I sat there listening to “Don’t Break The Oath” staring off into space as I was painted. I once wore rouge for a 5th grade presentation of Annie in which I had a brief role as one of FDR’s advisors (Harold Ickes), but beyond that, I had never gone through the process of having makeup applied to my face.

It’s uncomfortable. I immediately felt empathy for clowns, particularly this one woman “Miss Teacup” who I once met while she waited for the tow truck to come pick up her broken down Toyota Tercel. She was standing there in 95 degree heat wearing about a half of a pound of makeup frantically trying to contact the family of the child whose birthday party she was supposed to be at. If I knew then what I know today, I would never have stolen her purse.

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There were really only a few noteworthy encounters. One person started singing “Rock and Roll All Night” when they saw me. I was unamused. Being mistaken for Gene Simmons under any circumstances is offensive to me, but the metal purist in me wanted to throttle the person. Another person asked me if I had any Faygo. You can imagine the horror I felt. My co-workers were relatively amused, but it was laughed at and quickly forgotten as the business of life ground on.

There are these Pro-Life protestors that I regularly see on the drive home with signs that read things like “It’s A Baby, Not A Choice” and “I Survived The American Holocaust” camped in front of the local Planned Parenthood. I had an elaborate scheme planned in which I leaped out of my car and began screeching the lyrics to “Abigail”. Unfortunately, they were not there and my rather uneventful day as The King slogged on.

I kept casting glances out of my car window at people who I intended to frighten. No one seemed particularly impressed or even remotely affected. A minivan cut me off in traffic. I drove up right next to the car and gave the driver an angry look. He cast a brief eye in my direction then went back to text messaging someone about whatever urgent thought had just occurred to him.

I assumed that my stop to get gasoline would be the highlight of the day. Someone would have to find this at least a bit out of the ordinary. Again, disappointment. I stood behind my car pumping gas. People walked by. Some looked, some didn’t. No response.

I went inside to the cash register. The person whose named tag announced him to be “Tim” looked took my 20-dollar bill and gave me change. Nothing. Was this an ordinary occurrence at gas stations throughout the American South? Was this odd attempt to garner attention not particularly interesting or funny? Was I misreading the body language of the people around me? Were people simply so locked into the everyday drudgery of their lives that a 6 foot 2 man in heavy metal makeup could not even awaken them from their daily slumber? I wasn’t sure.

I slumped back into my car and drove home. My wife and children found the whole thing pretty funny, but considering I regularly run around the house with a pair of pants on my head or singing Soviet Era march anthems, it didn’t really strike anyone as being out of the ordinary. We took some pictures and went back to our usual routines.

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Life seems to march on unmoved by the bizarre actions of myself or anyone else. When something truly out of the ordinary occurs they might ponder it. For a moment. Sometimes.

Life has an energy of it’s own. It flows in 7 billion directions all at once. Everyone in their own lanes. Everyone going somewhere. Doing something. Thinking. Breathing. Talking. Texting. Chewing. It all just goes on and on. Day after day. Night after night. There is no universal theory to explain it. It’s just one event after another. An endless parade of sights and sounds.

What is the importance of one man wearing King Diamond makeup in this sea of human impulse and action? Very little. Throughout the entire day, I felt this odd pressure to be noticed. As if it was critical that someone see me, see what I had done. To laugh. To be altered from their course.

At first, I was kind of bothered that no one really seemed to notice. After all, what was the point beyond seeing the shocked expression on a few faces? As time went on, I just wanted to get the makeup off. I was tired of showing off. Tired of playing a part. Exhausted by trying to be noticed.

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At the end of the day, I felt a genuine sense of relief to take the makeup off. I’ve always felt it important to stand out as an individual. I’m narcissistic enough to have spent four years writing random thoughts and ideas on this website and hoping desperately that people will want to tune into my world enough to read it. I enjoy the thrill of being noticed.  Until yesterday, I had never realized how tiring searching for it can be.

The best part of the day for me was when I sat alone in the deadening quiet of my bedroom right before I fell asleep. No one was watching me. No one cared what I was doing or how I was doing it. Silence. For a fleeting moment, I felt the genuine peace of not being an individual, but simply being.

I sunk into life and disappeared. It was beautiful.

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After 23 Years, Dick Cheney Returns To Abruptum

Dick Cheney

Happy to collaborate with Evil again

The 46th Vice President of the United States has announced his plans to join Evil once more in a quest to achieve the most vicious sounds known to man after 25 years of non-musical black metal performances across the globe. It’s expected that founding member It, currently Stephen King’s pet, will join the band again

“The human essence of pure black evil”. —Euronymous commenting on Cheney—

Abruptum was formed in 1989 by It—known as ‘Eat’ back then—and Dick during Cheney’s stint as the 17th US Secretary of Defense in the White House after a Naked Ronald Reagans rehearsal session (George H. Bush’s former Rapcore Funk band). The group quickly gained notoriety for the macabre sounds and screams achieved by the politician using only a couple of pens and Guantanamo Bay prisoners. The duet quickly relocated to an undisclosed, forgotten World War II bunker in Sweden in order to avoid trials under the Geneva Convention for committing crimes against humanity at a local Denny’s.

Svrf Rock pioneer Euronymous of the Mayhems listened to their recordings and didn’t hesitate to sign the band to his label, Deadlike Bandmate Productions. After some sessions, Euronymous had to change the name of his label because of the mysterious passing of Dead, frontman of the Mayhems.

The only person in a hundred mile radius with a shotgun was Cheney himself, who is known to enjoy shooting his friends in the face. Sadly, for the crime scene investigators and for Abruptum, the Secretary of Defense had to return home to plan his performance piece ‘Operation Desert Storm’ which depicted a devastated Middle East, ravaged by oil-craving demons with full metal minions.

“I’ve always been a extreme person and I’m very committed to my disregard for human lives. I felt I could spread my message of suffering and destruction to a broader audience by being part of the staff of the Naked Ronald Reagans, who happened to tour constantly in the Arab countries. Imagine the energy generated from the clash of the two major fundamentalist cultures, and add to the mix a setting designed by myself, a chaos worshiper.”

“The Scandinavian scene wasn’t violent enough for me. Accountant Grishnackh was burning a couple of churches here and there in order to promote his capitalist ideas and look tough in front of some punk kids who used to hang out at Euronymous’s store. I was destroying mosques all over the place, garnering the attention of the international press, and the best of all is my cultural exchange was a grant taken care of by the American taxpayers” explained Mr. Cheney during an interview with Tyranny.

But not everything was fun and games. In 1992, while vacationing in the violent streets of Detroit, Michigan,

Cheney treating his disease with beer.

Dementia didn’t stop the man’s ambitions

Cheney contracted the avian mad chicken disease (Dick was an avid geek—a person who beheads live chicken with his mouth—usually at carnivals). The fever fried his brain and dementia ensued; in 1993, and using the corpsepaint skills he learned while in the Nordic scene, he formed a duet of devilish, republican clowns with Donald Rumsfeld, whose career as an international jackass was on hiatus.

The nightmarish Insane Clown Posse debuted with Carnival of Carnage in October of 1992, becoming an instant sensation in the former Soviet Union, specially because of the racist and sexist themes of the album. The sickness grew worse in Cheney’s head due to the refusal of conventional treatments, instead, the Black Metal rapper decided to cure himself by binge-drinking.

That’s when Cheney caught the eye of the film industry, he was commissioned by George Lucas himself to write several scripts for the company, including  Episodes I, II and III of the Star Wars Franchise and the fourth installment of Indiana Jones. Critics still debate, to this day, if he sold out and made crappy stuff during this period, or if his performance was so bright and nihilistic that the sucking was by design. In any case, the disease-ridden artist finally looked for professional treatment after watching a preview of Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

Cheney's corpsepaint debauchery.

“Jugaloo” means “Bringer of Torment” in ancient Norsk

After his rehabilitation, Dick Cheney returned to the Middle East with a new setup called War! Fun! Terror!, but due to a printing error in the French Le Monde newspaper, it was popularly known as The War on Terror. It has been the longest-lasting exhibit the former Vice President has accomplished in his career, and it even spawned a multitude of spin-off installments such as I Sever Infidel Suckers (ISIS) and the 9 – 11 Conspiracy series.

“I have conquered and broken many people in my day, from Muslims to Star Wars fans, but now I will conquer the Scandinavian scene with Evil by my side, and we’ll make Oslo, Norway look like Flint, Michigan.”  —Dick Cheney expanding on the goals of Abruptum’s reunion—

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Why The Girls Are Right About #Metalgate

women-in-metal

(Guest columnist and noted political philosopher John Winthrop gives his thoughts on the latest #Metalgate controversy)

Women! They are everywhere nowadays! There are lady lawyers, lady doctors and, even, lady construction workers. Some people say there might even be a Lady President pretty soon. That’s why it shouldn’t surprise anyone of us that ladies can do almost anything that a man can do. They even can play heavy metal music better than some of the boys!

Let’s face it fellas, it’s time to open the #metalgate to anyone who wants to come in. It’s time the bare-knuckle savages climb back up in their trees and enter the 20th century. Metal is for everyone…folks! Not just the guys!

It’s a new day PEOPLE! Metalheads can be black, white, purple, green, gay, straight, male, female, Latvians, Ukrainians, those who suffer from Restless Leg Syndrome, those who struggle with basic math facts, those who have bunions, those who do not have bunions, those who wish they had bunions and don’t, those who married their spouses because they were secretly attracted to their bunions. Anyone!

Women-in-metal

The other day, I was out at one of these Lady Metal concerts. Ladycore or whatever the “special interest groups” like to call it. There was this lady onstage and she was wailing away at the guitar. A lady drummer was pounding away on the drums. Some lady singer was yelling about lady issues. She was mad, too! I’ve never seen one of them so angry. I couldn’t tell what she was saying, but I bet her husband really did something to irk her! I’m surprised he let her out on stage like that.

This Lady Metal band played for an hour without a break. At first, the fellas in the crowd were just like “she’s hot” and whatever, but after a while they were all listening to the music. And, you know what, it wasn’t all that different than the stuff real musicians played. These ladies knew how to rock!

Someone told me that some lady writer wrote an article the other day that said that heavy metal was conservative and is becoming liberal. Or was bad and is becoming good or something like that. That’s stupid! I’m all for this empowerment stuff, I mean, giv’em what they want if it means so much to them, but I don’t want metal in my politics or politics in my metal. I didn’t come for the gender equality…I came to bang my head!

When I listen to metal it is to escape from the world, not be reminded I live here. Heavy metal is neutral. It isn’t male or female. It’s music. Last time I checked, music doesn’t have the necessary plumbing to be considered anything but a bunch of notes being played through a speaker.

I don’t mind if they get up on stage with the boys, I just don’t want to get into all of their agenda and issues and stuff. Everybody has got problems! Besides, they are up on stage, isn’t that enough for them or do they have to own the whole damn building?

I also heard this lady writer said that metal is getting “on the right side of history”. All I can say to that is, “Welcome to the party, Babe!” Metal has always been on the right side of history! We crush all other styles of music! We came, We Saw, We Rocked! End of story!

History keeps showing us over and over again that men OR women with the balls to conquer keep conquering and those afraid to rock get stomped. Even that whiner Marx said it in The Count of Manifesto when he was like “those who have the equipment get to take whatever they want”.

Listens To Hip Hop

Listens To Hip Hop

Metal is about owning and conquering. Always has been, always will be. A predator comes along in the wild and is hungry; he eats his weaker prey. He doesn’t ask about the feelings of the animal he’s eating. He doesn’t listen to a whole bunch of speeches from other animals about how he’s bullying the creature. He doesn’t set up a support group for the other animals who might end up getting eaten. He just eats till he’s full and leaves the bones. It’s human nature.

Some people are going to read this and think I don’t like women or want them to be treated worse than men. That’s not true. I love women. I was raised to treat them with respect. I have three daughters who I love with all my heart. Do you think I want people telling them there are things in this world they are not allowed to do because they were born girls?

All I want is to not be told what to do by outsiders because they got their feelings hurt a few times growing up. People want me to speak in a way that is politically correct, but what about how I feel? What about who I am? Why do I have to be the one that pretends?

Do you think I wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “here’s the bad guy”? Is that what you think when you see me?

Listen, I would pay my hard earned money to see girls play metal as long as they play real heavy metal. I’m for freedom. That’s what America is all about. As far as I’m concerned, if these ladies play real heavy metal they can play in any damn club I’m in any day of the week.

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Is Metallica Drummer Lars Ulrich Dead?

One Of Those Pictures They Show When Someone Dies To Make The Public Reflect Fondly On Their Memories Of The Dead Person

One Of Those Candid Looking Close-Up Pictures They Show When Someone Dies To Make The Public Reflect Fondly On Their Memories Of The Dead Person

Unconfirmed rumors of the death of Lars Ulrich were nowhere to be found on the Internet this morning only moments before this article was published. No credible source with knowledge of Ulrich’s current whereabouts has commented on the matter or even been asked about his passing. This won’t stop many members of the mindless, bloodthirsty mob known affectionately as “the public” from believing that Lars has died.

In spite of the fact that no one has asked the band, many believe that Lars is dead due to the fact that some dude sitting in his living room typed out a bunch of words, attached some pictures and hit the publish button. The torrent of silence on this non-issue has left many to speculate that there might be some sort of cover up.

“Where there is smoke, there is often fire. Or, at least, smoke,” said Metallica fan and frequent Facebook opinion giver Steve Weremembercliff.

Several doctors who have never examined Ulrich weighed in on the controversy including Dr. Eric Liposuct, a well-known expert on esophagus transplants. He speculated, “Ulrich, like most people, has a terminal condition. It’s known as being alive. He has somewhere between 1 day and 50 years left on this earth.”

A Stock Photo Of People Crying Meant To Help Con The Public Into Buying Into This Stupid Lie

A Stock Photo Of People Crying Meant To Help Con The Public Into Buying Into This Stupid Lie

Fans of the band, hoping desperately to be the first to inform everyone of his death, will plunge headlong into a frenzy of article sharing without reading its contents. In some cases, they may read the article and repost it hoping for that amazing feeling of superiority one gets when realizing that there are many people in the world dumber and more gullible than they are. The author of the article also plans to revel in this cheap, but highly stimulating thrill.

At first, some will be saddened by his mock death. This will be followed by a flood of indignation from a public who loves both the feeling of false community experienced when they can passively observe the suffering of strangers from a safe distance with others and the feeling of righteous anger that typically follows being suckered for the 8 millionth time by some degenerate hustler trying to milk out a few more “unique visitors”.

By late in the afternoon, the whole thing will be forgotten as the mindless drudgery of everyday life reasserts itself. This will be followed by another manufactured controversy in which people everywhere experience a set of emotions that were once reserved for actual human interactions. On and On South of Heaven…

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The Persecution and Assassination of Stan As Performed By The Inmates on Aisle Five of A Waldbaums Supermarket In Piscataway, New Jersey Under The Direction of The Marquis de Sade

Either Eminem Or That Dude From Prison Break.  I'm Not Sure.

Either Eminem Or That Dude From Prison Break. I’m Not Sure.

Act 1

An Amish farmer, a can of pinto beans and a moose awaken in a large round cylinder. The sides are smooth. The walls are about 200 feet high. They can see the moon and the sky, but are completely unaware of where they are.

Amish Farmer: Where are we?

Moose: I’m not sure, but it doesn’t look like there is any way out.

Everyone looks around for a few seconds

Pinto Beans: Hey…what’s that Eminem song where a fan is writing him a letter while driving drunk off of a bridge with Eminem in the trunk of the car? The one where he says “My mom’s a yeti”?

Amish Farmer: Isn’t that Stan? Or Lose Yourself? Or both?

Pinto Beans: I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s really confusing. How does Eminem get out of the trunk to get the letter? And why is the guy writing a letter while driving with a 5th of vodka in him? If the guy Stan is dead, wouldn’t Eminem be likely to be dead sinking to the bottom of a pond too? And besides, if Eminem’s already in the trunk of the guys car, why doesn’t he just open the trunk and tell him this stuff instead of drinking, driving and writing? And why is that chick Spiro or whatever her name is singing? Where the hell is she in the car?

Amish Farmer: Ah…..I’m not sure…

Pinto Beans: Maybe all his crew up at 9 Mile sold him for some 5 XL hooded sweatshirts and Stan bought him, chloroformed him and put him in the trunk. The problem again is…aren’t there much more efficient ways to kill a man if this is your intent. And, if you are aware that you are driving into a lake killing the guy you are writing the note to, does it ever occur to you that he’s not going to read it???

And if both Eminem and Stan are dead, who wrote and performed the song? Maybe that’s why they got that Pedro girl to sing the hook. There were things Eminem didn’t record before the car sunk and they needed to cover up the missing spots.

Moose: But…wha….

Characters all collapse onto the floor. Stage goes dark.

558728700_7e3a14344d

Act 2

Orchestra begins playing the opening from Seasons in the Abyss by Slayer. Characters arise and stare at their surroundings, then each other. Music fades.

Pinto Beans: Maybe he was losing oxygen, becoming detached from reality and BELIEVED his mom was a Yeti

Voice of Marquis de Sade From Above: Or maybe the trauma brought back repressed memories of being raised by yetis before they dropped him off in a basket with a note pinned to it in front of that trailer park out at 12 mile.

Pinto Beans: And KIM…”his mom” found the note and adopted him.

Moose: And then, later, we find out that Stan, the guy killing him in the trunk of the car is actually the same one who pinned the note to him when he was a baby in a basket.

Pinto Beans: And the yetis believed he needed to be destroyed because he had the location of their yeti base in the Falkland Islands and they were worried he might remember and sell his secret to the CIA.

Amish Farmer: Eminem was never in the trunk, Dodo or whatever was in there.

Pinto Beans: And then, he had to kill Kim and bury her in his closet because she was going to tell Stan where he was hiding.

At this moment, a giant ostrich flies into the cylinder attacking the can of Pinto Beans. The moose and the Amish farmer grab the can of pinto beans and begin beating the ostrich. The ostrich collapses to the floor.

Ostrich: (uttering its dying words) It’s Stan’s girlfriend in the trunk and Stan is talking into a tape recorder.

Ostrich disappears. Other characters collapse onto the floor. Stage goes dark.

Marat-Sade.avi_snapshot_00.21.53_[2012.12.26_13.06.11]

Act 3

Orchestra plays Napalm Death “You Suffer”. Characters arise from their positions on the floor again.  When the orchestra finishes, they are led out in front of the audience and executed by a firing squad.

Pinto Beans: Why the hell is she in the trunk? Obviously Stan didn’t know who Bilbo or whatever her name was. So he just grabbed this woman out on the road and killed her? Because he thought she was Eminem? Or maybe she knew about the yetis too?

Moose: If he is in a car driving his girlfriend into a lake, as you say, and talking into a tape recorder….how does Eminem get the tape???  It’d be water logged and useless.

Moose: But where does that Jojo girl fit in.

Amish Farmer: He says in one of the letters “My girlfriend’s pregnant”, so we’d have to assume that Doro is his girlfriend since they’re sleeping in the same bed and she’s pregnant.

Pinto Beans: I like that song…I’m just concerned that if you follow it to it’s logical conclusions Eminem is dead and has been replaced by some sort of genetically rebuilt cyborg and yetis could take over Argentina within a matter of hours. Is this the world we want for our children?

Amish Farmer: Also, he never got the tape, it was confiscated at the crime scene, and Eminem is responding to a letter Stan wrote after he died, connecting the dots and realizing that the dude on the news who did that was Stan and the chick in the trunk was his girlfriend.

Pinto Beans: So Eminem wrote this guy a letter to tell him that he knocked up his girlfriend Nynex or whatever? No wonder he’s pissed! It’s Eminem’s baby in her body. What, is Stan supposed to raise Eminem’s son cause he had an affair with some groupie after some show in Las Cruces, New Mexico? I can’t agree with his actions, but you can imagine the rage he was feeling.

Amish Farmer: Stan’s girlfriend, not Eminem.

Pinto Beans: This Stan guy is something else. First, he kidnaps a well-known rapper. Second, he helps cover up a thousand year old yeti conspiracy. Then, he kills his girlfriend for cheating on him with Eminem….but the capper is that Stan wrote the damned letter after he died!!!!! Stan should have a damn Grammy for doing all that.

Amish Farmer: Where does Mekhi Phifer come in?

Pinto Beans: So…wait…I got it. Stan’s girlfriend wrote the letter after he was dead to honor his dying wish or something.

Moose: But SHE’S dead too!

Pinto Beans: So how does he get the letter?!?!?!

Amish Farmer: Mekhi Phifer!

Pinto Beans: And, we still haven’t really explained why Libido or whatever she’s called is in a car where two people die and she is untouched. Unless, as you claim, she and the girlfriend are the same person. But…then who is alive to sing the chorus?

Amish Farmer: Pre-recorded dub track.

Stan

Stan

The Marquis De Sade looks into the giant cylinder. His face covers most of the sky and light coming in.

Marquis de Sade: The yeti wrote the letter. (de Sade disappears)

Pinto Beans: But why would they pre-record it if they didn’t know it was going to happen? They couldn’t have predicted the accident or the song or the letter. The only thing that can explain this is that they put that Faygo chick in a time machine and sent her to the future, pulled her back through the vortex of time and plunked her down in a studio.

Amish Farmer: Stan planned it because he wanted to be with Eminem, so he made sure Dayglo went to record the track beforehand to be sampled in the song about him that Eminem would make because he and Eminem are the same person.

Moose: Going back to Mekhi Phifer. I’ve been thinking long and hard about the this angle. He might be the guy pulling all the strings. Like E. Howard Hunt did when the CIA and The Dole Pineapple Company conspired to kill JFK and Duane Allman. Also, he might be an Argentinian spy trying to locate the Yeti base before the nation is overrun by the beasts. Or, he could just be some friend who grew up with M at 5 mile and got sucked into one of the greatest criminal conspiracies of this century unwittingly. We might never know.

Pinto Beans: I used to own a copy of that Eminem DVD 8 Kilometers or whatever. I enjoyed the film. One day, the disc went missing. Haven’t seen it since. If that doesn’t tell you how deep this conspiracy runs, you are blind!

Moose: Stan planned the thing and had the tracks sung in advance knowing Eminem would write the song about Gogol being murdered in the trunk after singing the chorus…that’s genius. I think you might have solved this!

Pinto Beans: But what about the yetis?

mekhi

Act 4

Act 3 continued with no changes or stoppage of conversation

Amish Farmer: Gogol Bordello is giving birth to the yeti and made Stan drive the car off the bridge.

Pinto Beans: I thought Gogol birthed a nose, but I get her and her sister mixed up.

Moose: Not that I approve of him killing Nacho…but to plan all of that to get Eminem to write a song about him….knowing….KNOWING….Queso’s death would lead him to write the song. Criminal mastermind!

Pinto Beans: Maybe he even faked his own death. And he’s living on the Yeti base in the Falkland Islands. From what I’ve seen, the guy is capable of anything.

Silence. The characters look around nervously.

Pinto Beans: I’m not directly blaming a yeti for stealing my copy of 32 Degrees Celsius…but coincidences like this don’t happen everyday and when they do, they are not coincidences!

Marquis de Sade: (shouting from a long distance away) Stan never killed Eminem. He killed his girlfriend. Eminem was the one he kept sending letters and tapes to and Em wasn’t responding and that’s why Stan went off the edge and did what he did. And the singer’s name is Dido.

Pinto Beans: That’s certainly one theory.

All characters simultaneously explode

(co-authored by Brittany Diaz)

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Universal Studios To Break Ground On 1.3 Billion Dollar King Diamond “Them” Park Next Year

King-Diamond

In 2016, everyone’s favorite Metal Monarch is coming to the Motor City.

Universal Studios, The Ford Motor Company and The Church of Satan will spend 1.3 billion dollars to build the greatest American attraction since the creation of Disneyworld.   King Diamond’s “Them” Park is expected to bring millions of visitors from around the world all hoping for a mindless diversion from the crippling sense of sadness and terror experienced by people trapped on the dead-end thrill ride that has come to be known as “the human condition”.

The massive 490-acre amusement park will be located under downtown Detroit, Michigan. Among highlighted attractions slated to be built are eight extreme roller coasters, nine opera houses, a zoo featuring five of The King’s stock of minotaurs and a water park that will use over 666,000 gallons of tea for excited kids and parents to splash around in.

king-diamond

The park’s main focus is on the recreation of King’s stories brought to life in Broadway musical reviews. These will run 24 hours, 7 days a week in nine 5000 seat opera houses located throughout the lot.

Another major attraction will be a magnificent, centrally-located gothic carousel for children and parents to enjoy. A park cast member, playing the role of the infamous character O’Brian, will welcome families onto one of the steeds while they are whimsically whisked away to portray one of the heroic black horsemen. Then they will be encouraged to interact in the story by killing Baby Abigail.

According to former drummer Snowy Shaw, “I’ve always loved It’s A Small World, but now imagining the joy I will get by seeing my children pretend to destroy cursed artifacts, bury people alive or burn a witch at the stake brings tears to my eyes!”

“The muppet theatre is going to be fantastic!” says puppet mistress Missy La’Fey. “We’ve been working with the puppets, injecting them with harvested blood and sprinkling them with goofer dust to insure that the show’s television simulcasts will be unprecedented. It’s really what our children need now-a-days: a hellish, nightmare version of Sesame Street.”

The project is expected to employ over ten thousand out-of-work carnies and jump start the bankrupt city’s economy by creating the largest man-made themed tourist destination in the world.

King-Diamond

Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan believes “Detroit is back!  We will no longer be viewed as a post-apocalyptic trailer park wasteland, but rather a home to those who appreciate demented rituals like human sacrifice and overpriced family fun.  By 2020, we expect the city to finally be in The Black.”

“With studios acquiring multi-billion dollar franchises like Star Wars, Marvel and Harry Potter, it was a no-brainer that King Diamond would be the next in line,” says Ronald Meyer, CEO of Universal Studios. “It’s a positive message to kids about supernatural and paranormal phenomenon. We finally have a fun and exciting vehicle to expose children at an early age to the social and economic benefits of devil worship.”

Early promotional events will include “Nuns Have Fun Day” where nuns get in for half price and are allowed a day long bottomless cup of “Melissa Slurpies”.  Affordable family packages that, according to the park brochure “won’t cost an arm and a leg…just a soul”, will go on sale next month.

(article contributed by former Washington Post investigative reporter Myron Dinkle)

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Formerly Dead Singer and Aspartame Advocate GG Allin To Head Food And Drug Administration

GG Allin:  Still Alive

In a bold move to show his willingness to commit to bipartisan solutions in 2015, President Obama has announced he is sacking FDA Commissioner, Margaret “Quarter Pounder” Hamburg, and giving control of the FDA to none other than G.G. Allin.

Obama, who many pundits believe is trending towards complete mental and emotional collapse, has been recently observed running around the White House lawn at all hours of the night naked and bleeding while howling indecipherable song lyrics.  His appointment of Allin coincides with his “Fear and Loathing” 2nd term agenda, a stark contrast to his “Hope and Change” message from six years ago.

Ever since 19 Americans contracted Ebola from eating overregulated meat products, the FDA has been under fire from Republicans and Democrats alike.  Allin seems like just the man to bring sanity back to the Food and Drug Administration.

G.G.Allin faked his death in 1993 to escape the punk rock lifestyle and pursue his interests in micro pig breeding and aspartame mining. Those who knew him intimately recall that Allin was always striving to help people reconcile their differences and overcome their phobias surrounding bodily fluids and extreme cuddling.

Allin’s surprising appointment is intended to allow for less red tape and more botulized red meat for an American public who “just wants government to get out of their lives”.


According to House Speaker, John Boehner, many Republicans see this appointment as too good to take at face value, and are cautioning of a possibly more sinister agenda below the surface. Allin’s connections to the aspartame mining industry is raising a few eyebrows in Congress.

Aspartame has been a hot button issue ever since President Obama signed an executive order last year requiring a restructuring of the well known Food Pyramid. The order, commonly known as “To Aspartame A Land”, has mandated that an additional foundation to the food pyramid be added to reflect the need to consume a minimum of 10-12 servings of aspartame daily in order to maintain optimal pancreatic health.

Critics of the new food pyramid allege that Allin’s appointment may be a conflict of interests, as he owns a 93% stake in Hawaii’s aspartame mines. This questionable appointment comes only days after Michelle Obama’s Marxist school lunch program mandated that all lunches contain at least 65 percent aspartame and 10 percent spinal fluid.

Democrats that support the President’s decision to discharge Margaret Hamburg warn that Allin’s appointment could send the wrong message to the two thirds of voters who stayed home this November. With Rikki Rockett and Gene Simmons recently being tapped to hold seats in the President’s administration, liberals fear that Obama is projecting a level of instability not seen in politics since H. Ross Perot had to be forcibly gagged and carried off the stage by security guards during a 1996 Presidential debate.  They are also concerned that young voters, many of which have been alienated by a corrupt and ineffective political system, will begin choosing video games and social media over direct involvement in the American political process.

Congressman Ted Cruz, the lone socialist in the Republican party, opined on the House Floor today that, “When being a musician is seen as qualifying a person to make decisions about what is safe or not safe to consume, is it any wonder that demoralized young people will throw in the towel and never believe that they too can be something in this country?”

“Isn’t it time the President focus on issues important to the American people, like restoring Christian as our official language or recognizing a corporation’s religious freedom to marry and merge with the love of their choice?”

Time will tell if Allin has what it takes to bring America back to sensible levels of fecal content in its mercury-laden flounder and free market solutions to marketing new products like genetically modified pork rinds.

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