Black Metal Lives Matter To Presidential Hopeful Ben Carson

In these turbulent times in America, many voices are clamoring for attention in the name of a cause. From the Emo Lives Don’t Matter movement to the Tofu Personhood Riots, it seems that passionate activism is on the rise throughout this nation, and one presidential hopeful is bringing attention to the very disturbing rise in black metal on black metal violence.
Ben Carson may appear to be a shy and reserved politician at first glance, but dig below that stuffy exterior, and there is a blast beating heart in tune with the plight of the metal community that has been reeling from attacks from within and without.

Dr. Carson, who is a neurosurgeon by trade, tells of a youth that was transformed by his mother’s encouragement and access to her collection of bootleg metal cassettes. By the age of three, the child’s mother had dubbed him Ben “Cannibal” Carson after her favorite death metal band, Cannibal Corpse. Mrs. Carson has confirmed that Ben’s medical background was strongly influenced by “Butchered At Birth” and “Tomb Of The Mutilated”.   Ben was able to test out of anatomy class due to hours spent studying the album covers along with repeated bedtime telling of George Fischer’s popup book, One Corpse, Two Corpse, Red Corpse, Blue Corpse.

When he was in his early 20s, a friend of Carson’s from his “Survivors of Ayn Rand Novels” support group turned him on to Emperor.  Within weeks, Dr. Carson became a full-fledged black metal fan.  The music gave him a sense of mission.  Carson began working to raise money for black metal orphans throughout Scandinavia and Belarus.  Even his political detractors point to his work in the “Save The Black Metal Sea Lion” movement as an example of his love for all life.

When “Cannibal” Carson hit the campaign trail this summer to seek the Republican presidential nomination, he announced that he just couldn’t ignore a cause which is very close and dear to him, so he launched the Black Metal Lives Matter project to draw attention to those who suffer in the name of metal. Using the hashtag #AllBlackMetalLivesMatter, Carson has been raising awareness of the undercurrent of violence that permeates the extreme metal scene world wide.
In a recent YouTube video, Dr. Carson donned corpse paint and a stage costume he bought at one of Abbath’s yard sale fundraisers and pleaded with the black metal community to forego their violence against one another and turn that rage towards those more deserving, such as rapcore fans or Jehovah’s Witnesses.

“Who better to chase down the road with a battle axe than a couple literature junkies that wake you up at noon on a Saturday? Why pummel a fellow member of the left hand path, when you can jack up some Limp Bizkit fan? Isn’t it time we stop asking ourselves “What Would Varg Vikernes Do”?”

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Ted Cruz To Travel Back in Time; Kill Margaret Sanger In Womb

Ted Cruz speaks at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in Maryland

From Mike Huckabee’s amped-up Rocky meets George Wallace impression on the Rowan County Jailhouse steps to Donald Trump’s non-stop, vitriolic attack on all things female and Mexican, the race for the 2016 Republican nomination has been marked by some of the most unique political stunts in recent memory. On Wednesday, Ted Cruz will attempt to trump even The Donald with a gimmick never before attempted in American politics. Time travel.

In a hastily called press conference this morning, Cruz announced to a room full of supporters that his team of Conservative Creative Scientists, led by former Nazi doctor Dr. Wolfgang von Hemoglobin, have built a time machine that will allow him to travel back to the year 1879 and murder Planned Parenthood founder and anti-Christ Margaret Sanger while still in utero.

The time machine has been in the works for many years, but was only recently completed when von Hemoglobin discovered the “Stem Cell Flux Capacitor” that will allow an American made Chevy Impala to travel back in time once it hits 88 miles per hour.

By killing Sanger before she is born, Cruz will put an end once and for all to the so-called “reproductive riot caused by women who are not able to control themselves when they are in the presence of virile, masculine men” like himself.

Ted Cruz

While going back in time and murdering the unborn Sanger seemed like an obvious thing for Cruz to do, his decision to do it was fraught with many dilemmas. By killing Sanger before she is born, Cruz would be guaranteeing her free passage into heaven. While letting a freeloading anarchist into heaven option is a difficult pill for the candidate turned time traveler to swallow, he believes it to be preferable to “the wholesale murder of over 200 trillion unborn souls in the last six months alone”.

Cruz also felt uneasy about only killing Sanger and allowing her mother to give birth to another child who also could turn out to be “the Adolf Hitler of fetus killing”. Initially, he had planned to murder seven or eight generations of her family, but realized this sort continuous time travel would cut into his schedule, preventing him from campaigning and making sure Congress never again passes any form of legislation.

If his murder of Sanger does not convince party loyalists that he is the most pure of heart among the Republican field, he is considering other options. Sources close to the campaign have intimated that he has not ruled out traveling back in time with legions of well-armed supporters, overthrowing George Washington and setting up a nation modeled after his favorite book, Margaret Atwood’s “The Handmaid’s Tale”.

(co-authored by Zenaphobe)

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New Slayer Yogurt “Repentless” Is Mayonnaise! (A Logomachy)


Starling 20 porchamabob of the act of creation, Slayer’s new yogurt “Repentless” shows mayonnaise that few raisins have won before. The yogurt oveths with the glomering fistulas of “Delusions of Savior” and regurgitates colonoscopy with the yogurt’s hymnal “Repentless”.

Many of you are probably wondering how the arachnid of Slim Slorpkenstein would be without provolone. Disardor!?! Disardor?!? Well, “Piano Wire” abducts that platypus! And, in a horse of several different flavors.

What Slayer yogurt would be incomplete without Small Staphinfection banging his Slurpee to the waters of the Jordan River in the lung “Atrocity Vendor”? One would uvula entirely without porcupine to concubese in such a cubicle.  Morbidly obtuse or absurdly abstruse…we may needle nose.

“Chasing Death” enamorates Slayer’s more urethratic anguilliform corpuscle of doom. Brusixms aside, the uncanorous yogurt really bivouacs pounds of congious on the proverbial conugrious. Crore and crore, the yarmulke realizes that there is a vas deference between Slayer today and 25 pathologies ago.


Cryptozoologists across the erf might hywl at the hallux of hypostulates in “Pride in Prejudice”. Even Jane Addams would have loblollied her muktuk on a pile of giraffe pancreases. One might even spatula the speculum of spectacular with this specimen.  On and on South of Hellmann’s.

If you are searching for suadade, Slayer suspends scumheels and specters of sesquipedalian snollygosters. After all, what’s a muckbuck without a mountebank? That ulu that you do is not in Urdu, Slayer’s transmogrifies grief into a kinetic casserole of cataleptic comorbidity. Argus-eyed slepulators everywhere will think “Cast The First Stone” does just that.

Carried Kling has glormed that “Repentless” is Slayer’s defervesence. A trimuphlic journal into stupefactified nightmare radar. Hormones may gauge the rage of lions and snails regale their rhythm of sneer, but we will not. Leave the guns, take the cannolis. You’ll be Slinky you didn’t.




Trump: “We Must Build A Wall To Keep Mexican Metal Bands Like Sepultura Out of This Country!”

Republican presidential candidate Trump gestures and declares

Last night in Tupelo, Mississippi, the bizarre Presidential campaign of Donald Trump took yet another strange turn. During a 3-minute press conference Trump lashed out at several of his Republican rivals, Hillary Clinton, the Boy Scouts, the Boston Red Sox bullpen, comedian Sinbad, people who read poetry, women, dentists, those who are allergic to gluten and the entire country of Ecuador.

His most vitriolic rant, however, came in the waning moments of the event, when he called for the United States to build a wall to “keep Mexican metal out of this country”.   He singled out the “Mexi-metal terror rape band Sepultura” as the greatest threat to the safety of Americans since Y2K.

“I remember when I heard Roots back in 1996. It sounds like there are about 30 of them in a room mixing metal with Mexican drums and guitar.  What a mess! The American taxpayer should not be forced to pay for the health care that these people will end up needing from playing on all of those dirty instruments. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want the daughters and nieces of good, upstanding Americans infected with Mexican venereal diseases and tetanus!”

Mexi-Metal...Gateway Drug To Satan Rape?

Mexi-Metal…Gateway Drug To Satan Rape?

Trump became even more heated when a reporter pointed out that Sepultura were not from Mexico, but from Brazil. “I’m sick and tired of Mexicans, no matter what country they come from. Particularly when they start trying to screw up heavy metal.”

“Mexican bands like Brujeria, Soulfly, Gorod, and Sodom are killing metal right now and you people sit there like there isn’t a crisis. I don’t care if it bankrupts the United States, we need to build a wall and keep these animals out. Then, America will be great again.”


Moments after his anti-Sepultura rant a Gallup Poll showed that 69 percent of Republican voters would elect The Donald President if the election were today. That’s up 15 percentage points from when he issued his last racial slur.

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Luc Lemay of Gorguts Wins America’s Got Talent Season Ten


Last night, lead vocalist and guitarist for the technical death metal band Gorguts was crowned America’s Got Talent winner and received the one million dollar prize.  His final performance, in which he played a 27-minute death metal version of the Canadian National Anthem on xylophone, put him over the top with many of the judges.

Along with the million dollars, he also received an endorsement deal from the Gogurts Yogurt Corporation to star in a series of ads with the slogan “There is a fine line between Gorguts and Gogurts.”

He narrowly defeated Arnold Benson, a 12-year old ventriloquist that most people believed would take home the title this season. Arnold Benson had won the hearts of the fans. He lost his home in a tornado two years ago and was diagnosed with epilepsy a year prior to that. Some have stated the only reason Benson made it as far as he did was because of his sad story.

“This is the kind of crap A.G.T. does to win sympathy from viewers” said Judge Howard Stern. “The kid had no talent and didn’t belong there in the first place. You could clearly see the rotten brat’s mouth moving.” Stern said just prior to being fired for this insensitive comment. When interviewed the following day, Stern apologized.

This Man (Howie Mandel) Should Not Be Allowed in Public. Ever.

This Man (Howie Mandel) Should Not Be Allowed in Public. Ever.

The competition was extremely difficult this year.  In an interview this morning with Fox News, social commentator Howie Mandel opined that, while Lemay was fantastic, other artists were equally deserving. “I personally thought the comedian with Tourette Syndrome would win. Now that guy was funny.”

Former Spice Girl, Mel B. said that Lemay’s a cappella performance of “The Erosion of Sanity” was “off the chain.” She then went on to say “WowZa” a dozen times and walked away looking both frightened and confused.

Heidi Klum refused to give a comment. Some think it’s because her favorite act of the year was voted off early by the audience. She supported Remy Barriere, a 32-year old French Hypnotist that she believed should have gone all the way. Just trying to find Klum to give an interview was difficult.  She was last seen clucking like a chicken and licking herself like a cat.

Nick Cannon Proudly Displaying His 2 Million Dollar Shoes

Nick Cannon Proudly Displaying His 2 Million Dollar Shoes

America’s Got Talent will return next summer and will hopefully be as entertaining as it was this season. When asked “What are you looking forward to next year?” host Nick Cannon replied “More alimony money from Mariah Carey.”

Cannon is currently living on his 50 million dollar yacht and reportedly will not be leaving it until the show begins filming in a few months.

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If Glen Benton Was A Librarian


(Art by ZDK)

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Newhart Themed “…And My Other Brother Darryl” Taking Metal World By Storm

Singer Joan Pleshette Talking To The Audience During a Recent Concert

Singer Joan Pleshette Talking To The Audience During a Recent Concert

A year ago, most people would have laughed at you if you proclaimed that the most popular new band in heavy metal would be a Vermont thrash outfit featuring five women dressed as Bob Newhart. Even though the possibility of a conversation like that actually taking place is roughly equivalent to the chance of the entire human race spontaneously sprouting noses on their stomachs…those people aren’t laughing now!

“…And My Other Brother Darryl” has taken the metal world by storm with crushing riffs and folksy, New England humor. Their first record “Newhart Attack” came out in 2013 and barely registered on the collective radar of music critics and fans alike. However, in January, the band released “Newhartwork” to rave reviews and huge album sales.

Many critics believe that the bands unique mixture of thrash, John Denver-ish guitar solos and hardcore (referred to by the band as “Newhartcore”) has led to their dramatic uptick in popularity. Their power ballad “While Newhart Gently Weeps” began receiving widespread airplay on both rock and pop stations in March. By May, their were reports of hundreds and thousands of people in the Midwest who dressed, looked and sounded exactly like Bob Newhart.

After headlining a small club tour last year with “Straight Outta Mypos”, a Perfect Strangers themed band where all five members dress up as Balki Bartokomous from the hit 1980s sitcom, they have moved to playing bigger arenas. Their United States tour, featuring “What’chu Talkin’ Bout Willis”, a Diff’rent Strokes themed metal band where all five members dress up like Gary Coleman’s lovable Arnold Jackson character, will be taking place throughout most of the Fall, including a 4-night sold out concert series of concerts at Madison Square Garden.

Pleshette in a Publicity Photo From Her ALF-core Band

Pleshette in a Publicity Photo From Her ALF-core Band

Joan Pleshette, the band’s lead singer, has not been very surprised by the band’s overnight stardom. Before she started “…And My Other Brother Darryl” she was in a highly popular death metal band called “Cats For Breakfast” in which all five members dressed up as ALF.

According to Pleshette, “We knew that millions of Americans were waiting for a gimmick they hadn’t seen before. We also knew about the underground VHS tape smuggling rings that have helped make Bob Newhart one of the most revered people in the heavy metal community. We didn’t really have time to focus on songwriting or actually learning to play our instruments or anything like that, but we all have had experience working in advertising. In retrospect, I’m surprised more bands haven’t done the same thing.”

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