Is Metallica’s “Kill’em All” A Fake?

metallica kill'em all

One of heavy metal’s most beloved and revered albums may not be what you think it is. According to musical forgery expert Dr. Elmer Hory from the Lillehammer Institute of Ersatz Studies (LIES), the version of Metallica’s first album owned by most people is actually an impeccable forgery created by a group of Metallica impersonators. “Almost every copy out there is not the real album Metallica recorded, but rather an incredibly detailed copy,” claimed Hory in his soon to be released book “Fake Hearers:  The History of Heavy Metal Forgery”.

Hory listened to the original studio tapes of the album and compared them to an actual copy of the album bought last year at his local Sam Goody music store. While nearly everything on both versions sounds exactly the same, there is one point in the middle of the song “Phantom Lord” where the original has a barely audible guitar note that is not heard in the fake “Kill’em All”. Hory was only able to pick up the note after listening to the record over 800 times in a two week period, but he is certain that there is a difference.

Upon researching the roots of the album and following up on some rumors he had heard, Hory discovered Neil and Cliff Irving, two struggling musicians from Southern California who heard the record days after it was released and claim to have copied it nearly perfectly.

“We had seen Metallica at clubs for years and loved the record. We wanted to see if we could make a perfect copy of the album and sell it and make a few bucks to buy prairie dogs to feed to Neil’s pet python. The copy we made was identical down to the sloppy drumming. “

“We omitted one guitar note in “Phantom Lord” to let our friends know it was us. From there, I’m not sure how it happened, but all the copies that are out today are without a doubt the version we recorded,” said Cliff Irving, now a mattress salesman in Rancho Cucamonga, California, who moonlights as a Neil Diamond impersonator at children’s birthday parties.

Kill_Em_All

While both Hory and the Irving brothers are uncertain as to how the phony album came to be known as the real one, it is clear that even the most devout metalhead is unable to tell the difference between real and fake metal. Last week, Hory played both versions for a target group of lifelong, die-hard metalheads between the ages 35 and 60 all of whom claimed to have hung out with James Hetfield “before the band got big” and everyone in the room believed he had simply played the same album twice.

If this revelation is true, it raises troubling questions about whether there is any truth in heavy metal at all. Even though Metallica created “Kill’em All”, is it not the Irving Brothers, whose version almost everyone is familiar with, that should get credit for the record’s popularity? After all, just about no one has really ever even heard Metallica’s actual recording. Just how is “real” determined in music? Elvis Presley re-recorded strikingly similar versions of Otis Blackwell’s “All Shook Up” and “Don’t Be Cruel” and those are known by just about everyone as “real” Elvis songs.

More importantly, if Metallica copied Dave Mustaine’s song “The Mechanix” and changed it to “The Four Horseman” only to have their copy copied by The Irving Brothers who were then copied by Mustaine when he re-recorded “Mechanix” on “Killing is My Business…And Business is Good”, whose song is the “real” song and which version is the “fake”?

Does it make a difference who recorded the album? If Metallica fans never read this article and never come into contact with Dr. Hory’s research, they would still believe “Kill’em All” was a Metallica album. Nothing would change.

If this article is simply some moronic joke made up some crackpot writer who can’t figure out if he wants to publish satire or armchair philosophy, but the reader thinks it’s real because they only read the title and fail to grasp the fact that the Internet is largest hi-tech illusion machine ever created, will it change the experience of the album for them? The songs certainly won’t sound any different.

 

Does it even matter?

 

Any of it?

 

Paul Stanley To Rock Hall Of Fame: “We Can’t Believe One Stupid Gimmick Got Us This Far”

Paul Stanley Hates Us All

Paul Hates Us All

Friday night’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony certainly did not go as planned. The all-star gala turned into a near riot when Kiss guitarist Paul Stanley announced to the capacity crowd that he wanted to thank “all the morons who shelled out millions of dollars on our worthless toys and mindlessly dull records.” He continued, “if it weren’t for you people being dumb as a pail of hammers, I’d have never been able to afford all of the cars, drugs and mansions I’ve bought over the years with money that could have been used on things that actually might have bettered your lives.”

Stanley then reminisced about the early days of Kiss. “Jesus, I remember wasting nights with Gene playing god awful music at half empty dive bars in New York City back in the 70s. We both couldn’t play a lick, but we figured being in a band would be a good way to meet chicks. One night he looked at me and was like ‘Paul…I got it! Makeup!’ Next thing we know, you lemmings are plunking down hundreds of dollars just to get your hands on a Kiss lunchbox.”

As the audience began throwing ten-dollar bottles of Dasani water at the stage, Stanley continued to belittle the crowd. “Seriously, none of us are good at anything but marketing. In terms of actual artistic ability, the only thing Gene ever did that was worthwhile was that stupid movie where the robot spiders tried to kill Tom Selleck. Peter Criss is barely bright enough to lace up his own shoes, but he’s made something north of the Gross National Product of Luxembourg by doing nothing more than wearing kitten makeup. None of us can even read music.”

“In America, all you have to know how to do is get the suckers excited about something then….boom….you have a yacht. Mencken sure as hell was right when he said ‘No one ever went broke underestimating the American public’.  We are the Cabbage Patch Kids of Heavy Metal…and you fools don’t even realize it.”

kiss

 

At that point, Ace Frehely tried to wrestle Stanley away from the microphone, but Stanley knocked him to the ground with a vicious roundhouse left. “Get away from me, Ace…it’s time we told these poor deluded bastards the truth!”

“We laugh at you people! All the time! It’s too damn easy. We howl for hours at all of these music school prodigy types who waste their lives learning to play musical instruments. Have fun playing in front of a bunch of poet socialist college professors and nine dollar an hour baristas at Open Mic Tuesdays over at your local Starbucks. I’m a little busy…you know…meeting with my accountants, buying new Ferraris and investing in strip mining ventures in the Congo to even bother learning how to tune my guitar.”

Stanley concluded his speech over a wild crescendo of booing and screaming with these words…“I originally wanted to end tonight’s ceremony by telling you that our induction to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is a victory for mediocrity. The truth is…that would be an insult to mediocre people everywhere.”

“This great moment is a product of two factors. Our being lucky enough to be the first ones to come up with this stupid gimmick and your need to be part some asinine communal consumer experience that you can share with the rest of the witless sheep around you. We have created nothing of value and have been rewarded for this with barrels upon barrels of money. Thank you to the Hall for recognizing our musical con artistry and all of the dumb animals out there who gave us so much for so little. If it weren’t for you, we’d still be broke. Thanks!”

Great Moments In Metal History: Jason Newsted Invents The No-String Bass

Jason_Newsted

In 1988, Metallica released their seminal album “…And Justice For All”. Beyond being one of the top selling metal albums of all-time it featured the debut of their new bassist Jason Newsted. Newsted took over for the late Cliff Burton who was considered one of the finest metal bass players on the planet.

The band selected Newsted out of a pool of thousands of candidates including jazz legend Victor Wooten, Primus front man Les Claypool and Egyptian Prime Minister Hosni Mubarak. Newsted, who was never really considered much of musician, was selected for his very metal looking hair and menacing scowl.   Following Cliff Burton was a challenge for a guy who only recently had learned to use both hands when playing the instrument. How would Jason replace this legendary metal figure?

Instead of running away from this daunting task, Newsted devised a strategy before the “…And Justice” sessions that would forever change metal bass playing. He simply removed the strings from the instrument. “We knew he had no idea what to do with the bass,” said noted producer Bob Rock. “He’s right-handed and would pick the thing up like he was a lefty. We were really nervous. Then, Jason showed up with the bass with no strings and Lars was like ‘Hell yeah, man!’ The rest is history.”

The invisible playing that Newsted performed on “…And Justice” is some of the most memorable non-playing in the history of the genre. Who could forget the fabulous non-bassline in Dyers’ Eve? Or the complex non-bass solo before the fade up at the beginning of Eye of The Beholder? By simply standing there pantomiming what an actual bass player would do, Jason helped create one of the most important albums in the last 30 years.

Newsted abandoned the no-string bass on later albums. This proved to be a career-destroying mistake. James and Lars called a closed door meeting with Jason and broke the news to him. “I told him ‘Jason, we simply can’t grow as a band if you continue to insist on playing actual basslines. It’s just not your strength. Maybe it’s time for you to move on.’ Besides the “little Danish friend” talk with Dave Mustaine in the movie “Some Kind of Monster”, it was the most difficult conversation I’ve ever had,” said a teary-eyed Lars Ulrich as he casually glanced at his watch.

Newsted tried to bring back the “no string” style on a solo album called “The Sound of No Noise”. He was accompanied by two no string guitarists, a drummer with no sticks and a mute vocalist. The album sold less than 300 copies. Newsted picked up studio work with several well-known bands, playing several times in the silent space between the last song on the album and the hidden track.

Today, Jason is a manager at a Herman’s Sporting Goods store in Bayonne, New Jersey. He doesn’t talk often talk about the time he spent in Metallica. Recently, he’s toyed with the concept of doing a ragtime album using a piano with no keys, but his musician days are probably behind him. He has no regrets about his life on the road with the band, but he is clear that his getting paid a lot of money for looking like he belonged in Metallica days are behind him. “There just isn’t much of a market for a bass player who doesn’t know how to play bass,” said Newsted as he calmly stacked boxes of Reebok sneakers on top of one another. “Honestly, in heavy metal, untalented, tone-deaf bass players are a dime a dozen.”

Otep To Re-Release Classic “Blackwater Park” Album in July

 

blackwater park

Next month, Oscar nominated artists Otep plan to re-release the album that redefined the boundaries of progressive metal, “Blackwater Park”. The band, which is named after the Greek Sun god Otep, has become one of the top selling metal acts in world since the album’s release in 1983.

The band’s lead singer Otep Night Shyamalan, a noted thespian and director of the popular film “The Sixth Sense”, has become extremely well known for her outspoken political views. Her strong opinions have made her an important figure both in and out of the world of heavy metal. She was a noted speaker at the Republican National Convention back in 2008 and was cited several times by then-Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin as “a positive voice for values and the traditional American way of life” during campaign speeches.

This summer Otep will be headlining the Mayhem Tour. Bassist Mikael Akerfeldt has hinted that the band plans to play their seminal “Rust In Peace” album from beginning to end on several tour dates, but has not indicated which ones. During a recent concert in Antarctica, the band went back to their roots and played several songs off of their first album “Show No Mercy”.

Otep

The band’s well-known singer Oprah Shamaya, whose Grammy winning television talk show went off the air back in 2011, recently issued a controversial tweet on MySpace where she called into question “fake news sites” like Tyranny of Tradition and cnn.com. In the tweets, she referred to herself as a “cultural arsonist” and threatened to set mimes on fire. Our reporters contacted several mimes that refused comment.

While the mimes have been silent on this issue, a representative from the heavy metal rock band Slayer indicated that everything that has been written in this article is completely untrue. “Anyone who knows Slayer knows that none of the members of the band Otep would even THINK about protesting the funeral of former Yankees and Mariners first baseman Ken Phelps,” said Slayer publicist and PMRC spokesperson Josephine McCarthy.

Pastor Ken Phelps Only Moments Before Tyranny of Tradition Made Up Lies About him

Pastor Ken Phelps Only Moments Before Tyranny of Tradition Made Up Lies About him

 

The Sick Among The Purell

Dirty-Hands

 

“I have so many selves, I cannot contain them all” –Kobo Abe

 

Never enough hand sanitizer

Bottles and bottles everywhere

But not a drop to drink

A bathtub filled with antiseptic

For the terminally dyspeptic

And still not enough to drown in

 

Never enough hand sanitizer

To kill the sin of germs

To kill the pain of waking

To kill the dissonance and consonance

Of everyday hell

 

Never enough hand sanitizer

To sting the wound into unbeing

All factors beyond the control

Of those who wish to vanquish

And be vanquished

 

Never enough hand sanitizer

To ebb the fatal tide

As the mass of men lead lives of desolate calculation

Never to emerge from slumber

Even in our waking nightmare

Metal Musician Angry About State of Rock/Metal Music Industry

Come_at_me_bro

State of Rock/Metal Music Industry

A heavy metal musician armed with a computer and an Internet connection typed an astoundingly illuminating Facebook post on March 18, criticizing the rock/metal music business.

The rant, which is the 674,928th of its kind, was reportedly written when the musician was angry.

“His eyebrows were definitely furrowed and his teeth were bared,” said the Internet, 25, a professional time-killer. “He was typing so quickly and slamming the keyboard so hard I thought it sounded like the drumbeats to a Meshuggah song.”

In his post, the musician seemingly blamed the mechanics of Capitalism for the state of today’s rock/metal music business. Insectile sources perched outside the musician’s window and on his coffee mug confirmed that he used a capitalist contraption to publish his thoroughly original thoughts on a capitalist cyber social-networking platform.

“I vividly remember seeing a logo of a quarter-eaten apple on the curious white machine that he was typing on,” buzzed 15-days-old housefly, Buzz Darkmonth.

Buzzing with glee, Darkmonth added, “He was so engrossed in complaining to the very people he “don’t want to be ‘liked’ by” that he didn’t notice me pooping on his mug!”

The musician’s post contains many quotable one-liners that would not look out of place in a poorly written research paper. Exemplary lines include “The music business has sucked the life out of creativity,” “No one is encouraged to take risks, no one is encouraged to push the envelope, because it’s all about first week sales!” and “It’s about pointless radio play and how good your last tour went.”

But perhaps the highlight was the emotional conclusion that utilized the rhetorical technique of repetition to superb effect.

“I don’t get it!  You don’t care about music, and I don’t care about music, and I sit here wondering if this feeling is a result of the business itself, or is the business a result of our own apathy towards music…

I feel lost.

I feel alone.

Something has to change.

Someone has to stir the pot.

Something needs to come along and wake us up out of the slumber.”

According to the ghost of Martin Luther King Jr, former excessive user of the line “I have a dream,” the musician’s repeated use of “I don’t,” “I feel,” and “Something” is enigmatic and inspiring.

“Were I born in the late ‘60s instead of the late ‘20s, I could have been this guy,” King’s spirit said in a booming voice. However, when he saw the musician’s headful of healthy, wavy black hair, jealousy flickered in his translucent eyes and he vanished in a cloud of ethereal smoke.

It is now expected that the musician will not gain an ounce of sympathy from the cyber masses.

Metalhead Forced To Remove Artificial Leg With Megadeth Tattoo Before Boarding Flight

The Limb Only Moments Before Takeoff

The Limb Only Moments Before Takeoff (photo by Matthew Germain)

The greatest threat to Americans today is the looming spectre of terrorist attacks. After all, most people in other countries hate Americans for their freedom and easy access to bread and other such luxury items.

In the wake of 9/11, airport security increased dramatically in the hopes of preventing water bottles and other weapons of possible mass destruction from causing the interruption of commerce and annihilation of innocent human life. That’s why it should come as no surprise to anyone who believes in the values that America stands for that alleged metalhead Mohammad Nidal was detained for 15 hours and eventually forced to surrender his artificial leg at New York’s LaGuardia Airport before he was allowed to board a flight to Akron.

“We’ve seen this sort of thing before,” said TSA officer Ryan Goebbels. “A metalhead takes an artificial limb filled with C-4, brings it on an airplane and boom! Next thing you know airports all over the world close and the airlines and their investors are deprived of millions of dollars of revenue that rightfully belongs to them.”

While most metalheads are harmless neckbeards who spend their time protecting on line metal forums from spam and off-thread references, there are a small number of “evildoers” who wish to do genuine harm to others. From not picking up a fallen child in the mosh pit while they are being trampled to death by wild hellions to potentially murdering thousands of innocent shoppers through the use of improvised explosive devices only days before Christmas, these so-called metalheads have been responsible for many of the worst crimes in American history.

The tattoo of Megadeth mascot Vic Rattlehead is also widely known to be a symbol used by metal gangs who have been known to kill innocent Americans for nothing more than whistling a Michael Bolton song in an elevator. Metal cults have popped up through the Southwest where kids as young as eight years old are drugged with meth and forced to worship images of Slayer vocalist Tom Araya, listen to Venom’s first three records backwards and read passages from the Koran. Ritual sacrifice and infant eating are common Saturday night events for these godless heathens. It is estimated that over 1 million people have joined these cults and gangs in the past six months.

Nidal, who was tied to a chair and questioned under bright lights by several FBI agents, revealed that he owned every Slayer album including “Hell Awaits”, which he had on vinyl. He also revealed plans to listen to all of Death Angel’s “Frolic Through The Park” during the flight. Death Angel’s music is so violent that it has inspired several horrific acts including the attempted assassination of then-President and current saint Ronald Reagan by former Raven drummer John Hinkley.

However, in spite of the danger this menace posed to society, Nidal was released after repeated beatings meant to help him overcome his addiction to this decadent and depraved lifestyle. Not only was he allowed to fly but he was provided generously with several in flight amenities like beverage service and a movie (things that he certainly would not have provided his victims with). He was also given back his artificial limb and metal-ridden iPod when he arrived in Akron. We are, after all, the freest country on earth.

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