Sigh to Remake “Scenes from Hell” in White Metal Style

Sigh_Scenes from Hell_whitewashed

Cover Art For “Scenes From Hell” Remake

 

Sigh will remake their classic album “Scenes from Hell”, Hollywood Records announced today. The remake will feature re-recordings of every track in the white metal style, and will be mixed and mastered by a white producer with a degree in white noise engineering from White University.

Fans will be able to buy the album in five formats — white MP3, white CD, white vinyl, white cassette, and white collector’s edition box set. The white collector’s edition box set will include a white Sigh patch, a white notebook containing drafts of lyrics from the original recording process written in white ink, and rare photos of the Japanese band’s “Scenes from Hell” line-up at their palest.

Five white, still-unnamed white metal musicians have signed on to play the roles of Mirai Kawashima, Dr. Mikannibal, Shinichi Ishikawa, Satoshi Fujinami, and Junichi Harashima. Stryper’s Michael Sweet is rumoured to play Kawashima, the enigmatic and charismatic harsh vocalist and multi-instrumentalist of Sigh.

Originally released on January 19, 2010 through white label The End Records, “Scenes from Hell” is Sigh’s eighth full-length studio album. Its instrumental line-up includes a real string quartet, and real orchestral instruments, such as the flute, the clarinet, the French horn, the trumpet, the trombone, the tuba, etc. White string quartet Eklipse, and white orchestra New York Philharmonic will fill those white instrumental roles in the remake.

Anticipating that fans might find the contrast between the remake’s white personnel and the mandatory black background in upcoming press photos to be too glaring, Kawashima said: “Don’t worry about squinting at the photos. Hollywood Records has shelled out big bucks for visual effects tests that will ‘yellowify’ the five remake musicians to make them easier on the eyes.”

“This will be done without making them look like ghosts or shells of their former selves,” he added.

A white metal journalist has also been reportedly hired to pen new liner notes for the remake.

, , , , , , , , ,

Leave a comment

Putin to Obama – ‘Swedish Metal Is Superior’

 

13262186_1077783205596130_217993753_oRussian President Vladimir Putin responded to Barack Obama’s public comments about Finnish Metal bands last Friday, calling the outgoing President “a wimp” and “a poser”.

“Please don’t misunderstand me,” said Putin at the end of last week’s EU Summit, “Finnish metal is truly great, particularly its amazing death metal scene, but for Obama to bring it up like that in front of the President of Finland is so lame. He knows, dude! He’s from there!”

When asked to clarify his remarks, the President snorted and said, “Like he’s ever heard Privilege of Evil. And it’s so clear he was just trying to look cool because he didn’t say anything about Swedish Metal when he was addressing [Swedish Prime Minister] Stefan Lofven! How could he not bring that up?”

Putin went on to characterize Obama as “a tryhard, one who would get a denim vest and then buy all the patches for it at the same time on eBay”.

The Russian head of state also continued to blast Obama’s ignorance to the importance of Swedish Metal. “Left Hand Path – Scandinavia might not even have a underground scene without that album. It’s so crucial, and that little wannabe blew his chance to tell the world about it! He doesn’t know. He wasn’t there. What, did he hear one of his kids play a Finntroll album and decided he knew something?”

After an additional ten minutes of listing Swedish Metal gems that “America’s Poser President” has certainly never heard of, including Dark Recollections and Under the Sign of the Black Mark, Putin paused and added, “But you know what? It’s better that he doesn’t know. I’d hate for him to find his way to the good stuff and then act like he invented it or something. Oh God, can you imagine if he started turning out to all the shows? That would drive me nuts.”

At this point Putin excused himself, inserting a cassette labeled “TREBLINKA” into his Sony Walkman as he headed towards the reception hall.

, ,

7 Comments

Phil Anselmo Apologizes For Remarks In Full Klan Outfit

12596768_1003196013054850_1563109694_o

With his voice slightly muffled by his white linen mask, former Pantera singer Phil Anselmo apologized for his offensive remarks while wearing a Ku Klux Klan robe and peaked hood.

“I don’t hate anyone more than I hate anyone else,” said the embattled racist as he pulled aside the mask, “I think people are equally worthless, especially the non-white ones.”

Anselmo then winced and started pounding on his own head with his fist while angrily muttering, “No, goddammit! Stupid, stupid stupid!”

After composing himself, the famously intolerant singer continued, “what I said about white power on stage last weekend was a joke and nothing more, just like the idea of racial equality.”

At this point, the icon for everything wrong in heavy metal began to bite down on his bottom lip, eliciting a trickle of blood which ran down his chin. Sweat began to form across his forehead as he stuttered, “I am not a man of hate. Hate has nothing to do with who I am. Just heritage. Yes. Heritage. That’s what matters to me.”

After taking a few deep breaths, the man who once ranted about white pride for ten minutes in the middle of a Pantera concert looked squarely at the camera, shrugged and said, “And that’s all I got to say on the matter. Sieg… uh… sieg ya later.”

Anselmo then somberly turned to the large wooden cross erected behind him and set it ablaze.

15 Comments

Bowie Knife To Be Renamed Bowie Knife In Honor of Dead Musician

12557846_994093173965134_1792395049_o

Fans of art-rocker David Bowie rejoiced as the Daughters of the Republic of Texas announced that the famed Bowie knife would be renamed the Bowie knife in honor of the recently departed British musician.

DRT President Madeline Crockett held a press conference today in San Antonio at the entrance to the Alamo, which is where the original knife remains on display. “David Bowie was beloved by millions of people around the globe,” she said, “and even though he wasn’t a Texan, we felt it was important to commemorate his passing in a meaningful way”.

The famous blade was named for its creator Jim Bowie, who used it in several instances of combat, most notably in defending the Alamo in 1836 against the Mexican army in a bid to maintain Texas independence. Bowie died in the conflict alongside other notable figures, including William B. Travis and the renowned Davy Crockett. The Battle of the Alamo was a pivotal event in the Texas Revolution, and the efforts of Commander Bowie and his men allowed Texas to become a republic and eventually be incorporated in the United States as it is known today.

“With its new name, the Bowie knife will begin a new era of recognition,” continued Ms. Crockett, “and when future generations look upon it, they will think of an androgynous British man who wrote songs about dancing, Asian women, and gay astronauts.”

At press time, the DRT has announced additional plans to rededicate the cenotaph in front of the Alamo to Ozzy Osbourne.

Leave a comment

Researchers Claim A Glass of The Heavy Metals A Day Is Like Going To The Gym For Nine Hours

iWzpO

Researchers at the Jeff Hanneman Institute For Heavy Metal Studies in Ragnarok, West Virginia have made a startling discovery. And guess what? Heavy Metal!

That’s right! Just one cup of The Heavy Metals a day is the equivalent of going to the gym for nine hours. Or wrestling a baby otter. Or walking on the intestinal tract of your Aunt Peggy. Or Alaska. Or butter. Or dressing up as Jeffrey Dahmer and inviting your neighbors over for dinner. Or learning archery. Or eating forty pounds of asbestos out of the head of a unicorn. Or beating Steve Harvey to death with the word “manbun”. Or lice!

And that’s not all! The Heavy Metals is light, portable and belongs inside the stomach of a walrus.   Some The Heavy Metals have been known to increase your metabolism as much as 75 parsecs. Power metal, for example, allowed one woman in Brighton Beach, New York to lose 750 pounds in one hour.

iWzpO

Other of The Heavy Metals can be dangerous. Perhaps even experimental. Doom metal, or sludge metal as doom metal bands call it, can cause hardening of the arteries in lab rats. Which is why it is critical to stay out of the arteries of lab rats when drinking doom metal. But, if you have had too much doom metal, it is critical that you do not consume an automobile. Most accidents take place within three blocks of the elephant. So, arrive alive, don’t Doom and Drive.

Meanwhile, researchers in some town I can’t spell in Connecticut have discovered that a diet filled with Omega-7 Grindcore is critical for inter-dimensional travel. And that’s not all! Twelve servings of grindcore an hour (roughly 100,000 songs) is found to contain enough vitamin Q-9 to fill half of the Grand Canyon with lettuce flavored Jell-O.

iWzpO

Also, researchers have found that you are going to die. Not some fictive version of you that you’ve created in your mind out of characters on television and in movies, but the real thing. You can drink all The Heavy Metals you want and God won’t save you. Or his son either. Neither really care about your existential state or they would have been much more clear about how to handle it. They would have issued you a book of directions that was more helpful than a bunch of stories about bald guys having 42 children killed by bears (2 Kings 2:23) or talking donkeys (Numbers 22:28). I don’t need your metaphors, Lord, I need an ending for this article.

But you won’t find one here! The Heavy Metals have deducted my reason. I ate 10 million The Heavy Metals and all I got was this lousy mountain.

I have seen the enemy and it is THEM. I have seen the future and it is THEM. It’s all on tilt. We need Trump.

, , , , , , , ,

4 Comments

Montana Metal Militia Take Over Federal Building Demanding Release of New Necrophagist Album

 

texas_hippie_coalition-630x372

Montana Metal Militia Founder Clyde Wayne Gacy and His Followers Minutes Before The Takeover

Days after a group of armed protestors took over a wildlife refuge in Oregon, an armed group of “five heavy metal warriors united for the liberation of America” known as The Montana Metal Militia walked into the Evel Knievel Center for Wildlife and Motorcycle Safety in Butte, forced the lone employee to leave and told authorities they would not allow anyone in or out of the building until tech-death legends Necrophagist release a new album.

The Montana Metal Militia is a group that, according to their website, seeks to “free America from the tyrannical grip of socialism and hip hop”. They are not to be confused with the smaller, lesser-known Montana Metal Mulisha, who have advocated violent revolution against the “Marxist hegemony of Obama, Rosie O’Donnell and Kanye West.”

The Metal Militia’s leader Clyde Wayne Gacy told police that he and his followers would not leave the building until Necrophagist gets back in the studio and records a minimum of 45 minutes of music. In a fiery speech in front of the Wildlife building, Gacy shouted through his megaphone “it’s time for all Americans to stand up against injustice. Because if you are not standing up against injustice, you are sitting down! And sitting down is wrong!”

 

hqdefault

Gacy In An Exclusive Interview With KERF Reporter Sabrina Erdley

In a brief interview with local television station KERF, Gacy maintained that what his group was doing was no different than what the Founding Fathers did.

“Look…we’ve written letters to Necrophagist. We’ve sent emails. We’ve gone to their homes in the middle of the night banging on their doors. We’ve threatened the lives of their family members and those close to them. Still…nothing since 2004! If the Founding Fathers hadn’t stood for what was right we’d still be drinking tea at four in the afternoon and paying taxes to an unresponsive, disinterested government that doesn’t represent us. Bottom line…we want a new Necrophagist album now or we ain’t leaving!!!”

207_photo

12 Years And Counting…No Album!

According to a memo sent out by the group’s legal expert Bronco Gein, a law student in his first semester at Flathead Valley Community College, the band’s refusal to release a new album is not only bad for the metal community and America as a whole but it is also unconstitutional.

“If you read the 10th Amendment to the Constitution, it clearly states that ‘The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people’ This means ‘we the people’ have the power to do whatever we need to do until we get what we want.  If that means violence, well hell, let’s roll.”

, , , ,

23 Comments

Varg’s True Motives

12308941_970344623006656_1400261055_n

Art by ZKD

, ,

Leave a comment

The Future of Demilich

12067293_941382159236236_1239196075_n

art by ZDK

1 Comment

Black Metal Lives Matter To Presidential Hopeful Ben Carson

In these turbulent times in America, many voices are clamoring for attention in the name of a cause. From the Emo Lives Don’t Matter movement to the Tofu Personhood Riots, it seems that passionate activism is on the rise throughout this nation, and one presidential hopeful is bringing attention to the very disturbing rise in black metal on black metal violence.
Ben Carson may appear to be a shy and reserved politician at first glance, but dig below that stuffy exterior, and there is a blast beating heart in tune with the plight of the metal community that has been reeling from attacks from within and without.

Dr. Carson, who is a neurosurgeon by trade, tells of a youth that was transformed by his mother’s encouragement and access to her collection of bootleg metal cassettes. By the age of three, the child’s mother had dubbed him Ben “Cannibal” Carson after her favorite death metal band, Cannibal Corpse. Mrs. Carson has confirmed that Ben’s medical background was strongly influenced by “Butchered At Birth” and “Tomb Of The Mutilated”.   Ben was able to test out of anatomy class due to hours spent studying the album covers along with repeated bedtime telling of George Fischer’s popup book, One Corpse, Two Corpse, Red Corpse, Blue Corpse.

When he was in his early 20s, a friend of Carson’s from his “Survivors of Ayn Rand Novels” support group turned him on to Emperor.  Within weeks, Dr. Carson became a full-fledged black metal fan.  The music gave him a sense of mission.  Carson began working to raise money for black metal orphans throughout Scandinavia and Belarus.  Even his political detractors point to his work in the “Save The Black Metal Sea Lion” movement as an example of his love for all life.

When “Cannibal” Carson hit the campaign trail this summer to seek the Republican presidential nomination, he announced that he just couldn’t ignore a cause which is very close and dear to him, so he launched the Black Metal Lives Matter project to draw attention to those who suffer in the name of metal. Using the hashtag #AllBlackMetalLivesMatter, Carson has been raising awareness of the undercurrent of violence that permeates the extreme metal scene world wide.
In a recent YouTube video, Dr. Carson donned corpse paint and a stage costume he bought at one of Abbath’s yard sale fundraisers and pleaded with the black metal community to forego their violence against one another and turn that rage towards those more deserving, such as rapcore fans or Jehovah’s Witnesses.

“Who better to chase down the road with a battle axe than a couple literature junkies that wake you up at noon on a Saturday? Why pummel a fellow member of the left hand path, when you can jack up some Limp Bizkit fan? Isn’t it time we stop asking ourselves “What Would Varg Vikernes Do”?”

, , , ,

6 Comments

Ted Cruz To Travel Back in Time; Kill Margaret Sanger In Womb

Ted Cruz speaks at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in Maryland

From Mike Huckabee’s amped-up Rocky meets George Wallace impression on the Rowan County Jailhouse steps to Donald Trump’s non-stop, vitriolic attack on all things female and Mexican, the race for the 2016 Republican nomination has been marked by some of the most unique political stunts in recent memory. On Wednesday, Ted Cruz will attempt to trump even The Donald with a gimmick never before attempted in American politics. Time travel.

In a hastily called press conference this morning, Cruz announced to a room full of supporters that his team of Conservative Creative Scientists, led by former Nazi doctor Dr. Wolfgang von Hemoglobin, have built a time machine that will allow him to travel back to the year 1879 and murder Planned Parenthood founder and anti-Christ Margaret Sanger while still in utero.

The time machine has been in the works for many years, but was only recently completed when von Hemoglobin discovered the “Stem Cell Flux Capacitor” that will allow an American made Chevy Impala to travel back in time once it hits 88 miles per hour.

By killing Sanger before she is born, Cruz will put an end once and for all to the so-called “reproductive riot caused by women who are not able to control themselves when they are in the presence of virile, masculine men” like himself.

Ted Cruz

While going back in time and murdering the unborn Sanger seemed like an obvious thing for Cruz to do, his decision to do it was fraught with many dilemmas. By killing Sanger before she is born, Cruz would be guaranteeing her free passage into heaven. While letting a freeloading anarchist into heaven option is a difficult pill for the candidate turned time traveler to swallow, he believes it to be preferable to “the wholesale murder of over 200 trillion unborn souls in the last six months alone”.

Cruz also felt uneasy about only killing Sanger and allowing her mother to give birth to another child who also could turn out to be “the Adolf Hitler of fetus killing”. Initially, he had planned to murder seven or eight generations of her family, but realized this sort continuous time travel would cut into his schedule, preventing him from campaigning and making sure Congress never again passes any form of legislation.

If his murder of Sanger does not convince party loyalists that he is the most pure of heart among the Republican field, he is considering other options. Sources close to the campaign have intimated that he has not ruled out traveling back in time with legions of well-armed supporters, overthrowing George Washington and setting up a nation modeled after his favorite book, Margaret Atwood’s “The Handmaid’s Tale”.

(co-authored by Zenaphobe)

, , , , ,

2 Comments

%d bloggers like this: