New Sunn O))) Album Is Silent

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The ‘O’ in Sunn O))) is silent, and so is the exalted fridgecore purveyors’ new album. News of this monumental artistic endeavor broke today on the Seattle natives’ Ello page in the form of a scrambled animated GIF image, which remained cryptic until a fan promptly unscrambled it using a World War II-era German military Enigma machine.

Titled 50′ 00″, the latest studio offering from extreme music’s most polarizing duo was recorded on phonautogram in North Korea’s central library. It was produced by renowned experimental decomposer John Cage, and mixed by acclaimed washing machine technician Merzbow at an abandoned love hotel with good architectural acoustics in Saitama, Japan.

According to Sunn O))) guitarist Stephen O’Malley, only 433 copies of 50′ 00″ have been printed, and they will be randomly scattered throughout the Deep Web beginning sometime in winter. Black market forces will determine the price of each copy.

“We have pushed the envelope again. This time, we have redefined extreme metal—no, art as we know it,” said O’Malley. “What could be more avant-garde than giving a recording medium back its true voice?”

He continued: “Hold any record up to your ears, and you will hear nothing but stony silence—nothing surprising about this; it is merely natural. But for decades, millions of misguided ‘musicians’ have been stuffing records full of music after gleefully taking their silence to imply consent. That is utterly unethical. 50′ 00″ will free records from the bondage of musical structuralism, and be looked back on as a masterpiece that started a new movement championing the inalienable right of recordkind to remain silent.”

Containing just one track that shares the album title, 50′ 00″ clocks in at exactly 50 minutes. To combat sloppy piracy and foster respect for artistic intentions, each copy of the album was made with patented IMF technology; any playback of 50′ 00″ that exceeds or falls short of 50 minutes by a nanosecond will trigger a self-destruction sequence with a countdown timer counting down from the square root of one’s current Body Mass Index (BMI), rounded to the nearest whole number.

In response to the overarching concern of audiophilic fans, O’Malley promised that 50′ 00″ is not part of the Loudness War. It was “mastered like a classical music record” and has the dynamic range of “something like Colored Sands.”

Early reactions to 50′ 00″ are already trickling in, and they are generally positive. Napalm Death vocalist Mark “Barney” Greenway called the album “brilliant” and lamented that it was something his band “should have done in 2005.” Annie Cougar of Better Homes and Gardens gave the album five hoes out of five, praising it for being “more accessible than the quietness of an empty home.”

To promote 50′ 00″, Sunn O))) will tour libraries throughout North America this Christmas season with supporting acts the American Association of Mute Ventriloquists (AAMV), Literacy for Incarcerated Teens (LIT), and Memorex.

Members of the public are welcome to partake in an exclusive sneak preview of 50′ 00″ tomorrow at the “Zoroastrian Pottery” section of an undisclosed second-hand bookstore somewhere in Southern Missouri.

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They Shoot Gorillas, Don’t They?

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I do not want to talk about The Gorilla,

I want to not talk about The Gorilla.

I want to talk about not talking about The Gorilla,

I want to not talk about wanting to talk about not talking about The Gorilla.

I want to talk about The Gorilla,

Without having to talk about The Gorilla.

 

I want to be known as someone who doesn’t talk about The Gorilla,

By people who talk about The Gorilla,

As well as by people who do not talk about not talking about The Gorilla,

Along with the people who talk about not talking about The Gorilla.

 

I cannot talk about The Gorilla.

 

I cannot not talk about The Gorilla,

Without having to talk about The Gorilla,

In order to not talk about The Gorilla,

Among people who both talk and do not talk about The Gorilla.

 

She talks about The Gorilla,

In order to talk about The Gorilla.

I talk about her talking about The Gorilla,

In order to talk about not talking about The Gorilla.

 

We both talk about The Gorilla.

 

She doesn’t know not to talk about The Gorilla,

When she’s talking about The Gorilla.

I know that she doesn’t know to not talk about The Gorilla,

When talking about The Gorilla.

She should know better than to talk about The Gorilla,

When talking about The Gorilla.

 

He knows that I know that talking about her not talking about The Gorilla,

Is talking about The Gorilla.

He talks about me not talking about knowing that talking about not talking about The Gorilla,

Is talking about The Gorilla.

 

He talks about me not knowing that not talking about The Gorilla,

And talking about her talking about The Gorilla,

Are talking about The Gorilla.

 

We’re all talking about talking about or not talking about people talking or not talking about The Gorilla.

 

Even when we don’t talk about not talking about talking about not talking about The Gorilla,

We talk about The Gorilla.

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Sigh to Remake “Scenes from Hell” in White Metal Style

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Cover Art For “Scenes From Hell” Remake

 

Sigh will remake their classic album “Scenes from Hell”, Hollywood Records announced today. The remake will feature re-recordings of every track in the white metal style, and will be mixed and mastered by a white producer with a degree in white noise engineering from White University.

Fans will be able to buy the album in five formats — white MP3, white CD, white vinyl, white cassette, and white collector’s edition box set. The white collector’s edition box set will include a white Sigh patch, a white notebook containing drafts of lyrics from the original recording process written in white ink, and rare photos of the Japanese band’s “Scenes from Hell” line-up at their palest.

Five white, still-unnamed white metal musicians have signed on to play the roles of Mirai Kawashima, Dr. Mikannibal, Shinichi Ishikawa, Satoshi Fujinami, and Junichi Harashima. Stryper’s Michael Sweet is rumoured to play Kawashima, the enigmatic and charismatic harsh vocalist and multi-instrumentalist of Sigh.

Originally released on January 19, 2010 through white label The End Records, “Scenes from Hell” is Sigh’s eighth full-length studio album. Its instrumental line-up includes a real string quartet, and real orchestral instruments, such as the flute, the clarinet, the French horn, the trumpet, the trombone, the tuba, etc. White string quartet Eklipse, and white orchestra New York Philharmonic will fill those white instrumental roles in the remake.

Anticipating that fans might find the contrast between the remake’s white personnel and the mandatory black background in upcoming press photos to be too glaring, Kawashima said: “Don’t worry about squinting at the photos. Hollywood Records has shelled out big bucks for visual effects tests that will ‘yellowify’ the five remake musicians to make them easier on the eyes.”

“This will be done without making them look like ghosts or shells of their former selves,” he added.

A white metal journalist has also been reportedly hired to pen new liner notes for the remake.

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Putin to Obama – ‘Swedish Metal Is Superior’

 

13262186_1077783205596130_217993753_oRussian President Vladimir Putin responded to Barack Obama’s public comments about Finnish Metal bands last Friday, calling the outgoing President “a wimp” and “a poser”.

“Please don’t misunderstand me,” said Putin at the end of last week’s EU Summit, “Finnish metal is truly great, particularly its amazing death metal scene, but for Obama to bring it up like that in front of the President of Finland is so lame. He knows, dude! He’s from there!”

When asked to clarify his remarks, the President snorted and said, “Like he’s ever heard Privilege of Evil. And it’s so clear he was just trying to look cool because he didn’t say anything about Swedish Metal when he was addressing [Swedish Prime Minister] Stefan Lofven! How could he not bring that up?”

Putin went on to characterize Obama as “a tryhard, one who would get a denim vest and then buy all the patches for it at the same time on eBay”.

The Russian head of state also continued to blast Obama’s ignorance to the importance of Swedish Metal. “Left Hand Path – Scandinavia might not even have a underground scene without that album. It’s so crucial, and that little wannabe blew his chance to tell the world about it! He doesn’t know. He wasn’t there. What, did he hear one of his kids play a Finntroll album and decided he knew something?”

After an additional ten minutes of listing Swedish Metal gems that “America’s Poser President” has certainly never heard of, including Dark Recollections and Under the Sign of the Black Mark, Putin paused and added, “But you know what? It’s better that he doesn’t know. I’d hate for him to find his way to the good stuff and then act like he invented it or something. Oh God, can you imagine if he started turning out to all the shows? That would drive me nuts.”

At this point Putin excused himself, inserting a cassette labeled “TREBLINKA” into his Sony Walkman as he headed towards the reception hall.

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Phil Anselmo Apologizes For Remarks In Full Klan Outfit

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With his voice slightly muffled by his white linen mask, former Pantera singer Phil Anselmo apologized for his offensive remarks while wearing a Ku Klux Klan robe and peaked hood.

“I don’t hate anyone more than I hate anyone else,” said the embattled racist as he pulled aside the mask, “I think people are equally worthless, especially the non-white ones.”

Anselmo then winced and started pounding on his own head with his fist while angrily muttering, “No, goddammit! Stupid, stupid stupid!”

After composing himself, the famously intolerant singer continued, “what I said about white power on stage last weekend was a joke and nothing more, just like the idea of racial equality.”

At this point, the icon for everything wrong in heavy metal began to bite down on his bottom lip, eliciting a trickle of blood which ran down his chin. Sweat began to form across his forehead as he stuttered, “I am not a man of hate. Hate has nothing to do with who I am. Just heritage. Yes. Heritage. That’s what matters to me.”

After taking a few deep breaths, the man who once ranted about white pride for ten minutes in the middle of a Pantera concert looked squarely at the camera, shrugged and said, “And that’s all I got to say on the matter. Sieg… uh… sieg ya later.”

Anselmo then somberly turned to the large wooden cross erected behind him and set it ablaze.

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Bowie Knife To Be Renamed Bowie Knife In Honor of Dead Musician

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Fans of art-rocker David Bowie rejoiced as the Daughters of the Republic of Texas announced that the famed Bowie knife would be renamed the Bowie knife in honor of the recently departed British musician.

DRT President Madeline Crockett held a press conference today in San Antonio at the entrance to the Alamo, which is where the original knife remains on display. “David Bowie was beloved by millions of people around the globe,” she said, “and even though he wasn’t a Texan, we felt it was important to commemorate his passing in a meaningful way”.

The famous blade was named for its creator Jim Bowie, who used it in several instances of combat, most notably in defending the Alamo in 1836 against the Mexican army in a bid to maintain Texas independence. Bowie died in the conflict alongside other notable figures, including William B. Travis and the renowned Davy Crockett. The Battle of the Alamo was a pivotal event in the Texas Revolution, and the efforts of Commander Bowie and his men allowed Texas to become a republic and eventually be incorporated in the United States as it is known today.

“With its new name, the Bowie knife will begin a new era of recognition,” continued Ms. Crockett, “and when future generations look upon it, they will think of an androgynous British man who wrote songs about dancing, Asian women, and gay astronauts.”

At press time, the DRT has announced additional plans to rededicate the cenotaph in front of the Alamo to Ozzy Osbourne.

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Researchers Claim A Glass of The Heavy Metals A Day Is Like Going To The Gym For Nine Hours

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Researchers at the Jeff Hanneman Institute For Heavy Metal Studies in Ragnarok, West Virginia have made a startling discovery. And guess what? Heavy Metal!

That’s right! Just one cup of The Heavy Metals a day is the equivalent of going to the gym for nine hours. Or wrestling a baby otter. Or walking on the intestinal tract of your Aunt Peggy. Or Alaska. Or butter. Or dressing up as Jeffrey Dahmer and inviting your neighbors over for dinner. Or learning archery. Or eating forty pounds of asbestos out of the head of a unicorn. Or beating Steve Harvey to death with the word “manbun”. Or lice!

And that’s not all! The Heavy Metals is light, portable and belongs inside the stomach of a walrus.   Some The Heavy Metals have been known to increase your metabolism as much as 75 parsecs. Power metal, for example, allowed one woman in Brighton Beach, New York to lose 750 pounds in one hour.

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Other of The Heavy Metals can be dangerous. Perhaps even experimental. Doom metal, or sludge metal as doom metal bands call it, can cause hardening of the arteries in lab rats. Which is why it is critical to stay out of the arteries of lab rats when drinking doom metal. But, if you have had too much doom metal, it is critical that you do not consume an automobile. Most accidents take place within three blocks of the elephant. So, arrive alive, don’t Doom and Drive.

Meanwhile, researchers in some town I can’t spell in Connecticut have discovered that a diet filled with Omega-7 Grindcore is critical for inter-dimensional travel. And that’s not all! Twelve servings of grindcore an hour (roughly 100,000 songs) is found to contain enough vitamin Q-9 to fill half of the Grand Canyon with lettuce flavored Jell-O.

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Also, researchers have found that you are going to die. Not some fictive version of you that you’ve created in your mind out of characters on television and in movies, but the real thing. You can drink all The Heavy Metals you want and God won’t save you. Or his son either. Neither really care about your existential state or they would have been much more clear about how to handle it. They would have issued you a book of directions that was more helpful than a bunch of stories about bald guys having 42 children killed by bears (2 Kings 2:23) or talking donkeys (Numbers 22:28). I don’t need your metaphors, Lord, I need an ending for this article.

But you won’t find one here! The Heavy Metals have deducted my reason. I ate 10 million The Heavy Metals and all I got was this lousy mountain.

I have seen the enemy and it is THEM. I have seen the future and it is THEM. It’s all on tilt. We need Trump.

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