Archive for category General Weirdness
From Mike Huckabee’s amped-up Rocky meets George Wallace impression on the Rowan County Jailhouse steps to Donald Trump’s non-stop, vitriolic attack on all things female and Mexican, the race for the 2016 Republican nomination has been marked by some of the most unique political stunts in recent memory. On Wednesday, Ted Cruz will attempt to trump even The Donald with a gimmick never before attempted in American politics. Time travel.
In a hastily called press conference this morning, Cruz announced to a room full of supporters that his team of Conservative Creative Scientists, led by former Nazi doctor Dr. Wolfgang von Hemoglobin, have built a time machine that will allow him to travel back to the year 1879 and murder Planned Parenthood founder and anti-Christ Margaret Sanger while still in utero.
The time machine has been in the works for many years, but was only recently completed when von Hemoglobin discovered the “Stem Cell Flux Capacitor” that will allow an American made Chevy Impala to travel back in time once it hits 88 miles per hour.
By killing Sanger before she is born, Cruz will put an end once and for all to the so-called “reproductive riot caused by women who are not able to control themselves when they are in the presence of virile, masculine men” like himself.
While going back in time and murdering the unborn Sanger seemed like an obvious thing for Cruz to do, his decision to do it was fraught with many dilemmas. By killing Sanger before she is born, Cruz would be guaranteeing her free passage into heaven. While letting a freeloading anarchist into heaven option is a difficult pill for the candidate turned time traveler to swallow, he believes it to be preferable to “the wholesale murder of over 200 trillion unborn souls in the last six months alone”.
Cruz also felt uneasy about only killing Sanger and allowing her mother to give birth to another child who also could turn out to be “the Adolf Hitler of fetus killing”. Initially, he had planned to murder seven or eight generations of her family, but realized this sort continuous time travel would cut into his schedule, preventing him from campaigning and making sure Congress never again passes any form of legislation.
If his murder of Sanger does not convince party loyalists that he is the most pure of heart among the Republican field, he is considering other options. Sources close to the campaign have intimated that he has not ruled out traveling back in time with legions of well-armed supporters, overthrowing George Washington and setting up a nation modeled after his favorite book, Margaret Atwood’s “The Handmaid’s Tale”.
(co-authored by Zenaphobe)
Last night, lead vocalist and guitarist for the technical death metal band Gorguts was crowned America’s Got Talent winner and received the one million dollar prize. His final performance, in which he played a 27-minute death metal version of the Canadian National Anthem on xylophone, put him over the top with many of the judges.
Along with the million dollars, he also received an endorsement deal from the Gogurts Yogurt Corporation to star in a series of ads with the slogan “There is a fine line between Gorguts and Gogurts.”
He narrowly defeated Arnold Benson, a 12-year old ventriloquist that most people believed would take home the title this season. Arnold Benson had won the hearts of the fans. He lost his home in a tornado two years ago and was diagnosed with epilepsy a year prior to that. Some have stated the only reason Benson made it as far as he did was because of his sad story.
“This is the kind of crap A.G.T. does to win sympathy from viewers” said Judge Howard Stern. “The kid had no talent and didn’t belong there in the first place. You could clearly see the rotten brat’s mouth moving.” Stern said just prior to being fired for this insensitive comment. When interviewed the following day, Stern apologized.
The competition was extremely difficult this year. In an interview this morning with Fox News, social commentator Howie Mandel opined that, while Lemay was fantastic, other artists were equally deserving. “I personally thought the comedian with Tourette Syndrome would win. Now that guy was funny.”
Former Spice Girl, Mel B. said that Lemay’s a cappella performance of “The Erosion of Sanity” was “off the chain.” She then went on to say “WowZa” a dozen times and walked away looking both frightened and confused.
Heidi Klum refused to give a comment. Some think it’s because her favorite act of the year was voted off early by the audience. She supported Remy Barriere, a 32-year old French Hypnotist that she believed should have gone all the way. Just trying to find Klum to give an interview was difficult. She was last seen clucking like a chicken and licking herself like a cat.
America’s Got Talent will return next summer and will hopefully be as entertaining as it was this season. When asked “What are you looking forward to next year?” host Nick Cannon replied “More alimony money from Mariah Carey.”
Cannon is currently living on his 50 million dollar yacht and reportedly will not be leaving it until the show begins filming in a few months.
Paul Di’Anno, the 57-year-old former frontman for Iron Maiden has been cast as the lead in “Transformers 5”. This may come as a surprise to many seeing as Di’Anno has no former acting experience. The decision to replace Mark Wahlberg with Di’Anno was made when Michael Bay (director of the 4 previous Transformer films) discovered the truth about Wahlberg’s past.
Bay said in an interview this afternoon that he didn’t realize that Mark Wahlberg was actually “Marky Mark” of Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch fame. “Once I realized this, I immediately called my lawyers, I needed to drop him from the next film. I was disturbed and embarrassed to say the least.”
When asked why Di’Anno, Bay replied, “I was a huge fan of Metallica when I was younger and I figured he‘d be a good choice since he was also my favorite bassist“. When asked if he had any idea what he was talking about, Bay replied, “When’s lunch?”
Whether Bay has lost his mind or not is irrelevant. The overall response to Di’Anno’s casting has been generally well received. One fans reaction to the news was simple. “I don’t give a damn who is in the movie!”
Another simply stated. “Who is Paul Di’Anno?”
Di’Anno’s decision to become an actor came shortly after his loss to Humsy The Boxing Kangaroo early last year. Despite being KO’d by a Kangaroo and not getting his chance at fighting Momo the Giant Narwhal (the reigning MBF heavyweight champion at the time) Di’Anno was in good spirits.
This was just the beginning and shortly after that match Di‘Anno started taking acting lessons. “If I can fight a Kangaroo, I can fight an Alien Robot.” Di’Anno stated after his loss. People originally assumed he was brain damaged by that comment, but in hindsight, we can see he was lobbying to play this part for a long time.
Peter Cullen (voice of Optimus Prime) was also almost replaced with Peter Boyle, but was given his job back after the studios realized Boyle was dead. Cullen gave his statement today about the casting choice. “I’ve been doing this crap for over 30 years, all I care about is getting paid.”
Transformers 5 is set to come out sometime during the summer of 2017 and will most likely be a hit regardless of who is in the lead. One studio exec anonymously stated. “The average mouthbreathing American will gladly fork over 15 dollars to see a bunch of toys killing a bunch of other toys as long as there are loud explosions. Why spend time on developing a script or hiring professional actors? The sheep want cars that turn into robots, we give them cars that turn into robots!”
(article by Tyranny of Tradition’s Cultural Editor Russell Spicer. Russell shops at PathMark)