Archive for category General Weirdness
New Iron Maiden Album Cover Pays Tribute To James Franco In “Spring Breakers”
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on June 19, 2015
Iron Maiden set the metal world ablaze this week by releasing the cover art from their soon-to-be-released double album “Book of Souls”. While many fans of the band were impressed with the artwork, some were surprised to learn that Eddie’s new look is based on James Franco’s performance as the drug dealing hooligan known as Alien in Harmony Korine’s 2012 film “Spring Breakers”.
Some die-hard fans of the band were angered by the Maiden’s unwillingness to bring back Derek Riggs to create the new cover. Protests were planned in 12 major American cities on Saturday to bring back Riggs. However, much of the uproar died down and the protests were cancelled when it was discovered that legendary street artist and 2014 Hipster Hall of Fame honoree Banksy created the new Eddie.
When asked about Eddie’s new crunk-for-2015 look, the band spoke about how the watching “Spring Breakers” launched them in a new creative direction. While the band says many of the tracks are the classic, straight ahead Iron Maiden you would expect, don’t be surprised if you hear a little of what Dave Murray cryptically referred to as “Dem Ruskin Arms Trap Beatz” on the new record. The band has even hinted at collaborating with Yung Jeezy on a crossover song tentatively called “Trap Somewhere in Time”.
There have also been rumors swirling around the Iron Maiden camp that “Book of Souls” is actually a concept album in which a mad scientist fuses Eddie and Alien’s DNA to create a new creature, known as “Crunkenstein”. The monster goes on a wild rampage through St. Petersburg, Florida during spring break searching for the one thing necessary to his survival, the souls of methheads. Unable to find any that hadn’t already been sold to Satan, Crunkenstein lays on the beach and spends his last moments alive singing an eleven minute power ballad about the life of Aliester Crowley.
Franco, meanwhile, was unable to be reached for comment. He is currently somewhere in the mountains of Guatemala working on a new book of poems titled “Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue: Meditations On Things I Was Thinking About While Watching Full House” that is set to be released sometime next year.
Danzig To Fight All Americans on August 1st
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on June 18, 2015
For years, Americans have mocked him. They giggled at his bluesy, Elvis-like vocal style. They chortled at the novelty of a man nearly 60 years old still attempting to fit into muscle shirts. They created hundreds of thousands of memes with him carrying kitty litter to his car. They howled watching the guy from the Northside Kings knock him senseless.
Now, Danzig will make them pay. At exactly 10 o’clock this morning Danzig issued an official statement from his castle on the outskirts of Lodi, New Jersey throwing down the proverbial mesh shirt and challenging anyone who wants to poke fun at him to no-holds-barred battle for survival. Danzig has stated that on August 1st at noon he will be behind the Wawa in Hoboken and willing to fight all comers.
“I told your children not to walk my way. I told your children to hear my words. What they mean. What they say,” read Danzig’s Press Secretary and former Nixon aide Ron Ziegler from a somewhat incoherent prepared statement written by the famed vocalist.
The throng of reporters gathered in front of the moat surrounding Danzig’s famed Castle Liberskull looked on incredulously as Ziegler continued. “They laugh and they laugh. Silly little puppets dancing on their silly little strings. AHHHAAHHAAAAA…look…Danzig’s buying an ordinary consumer item that all cat owners have purchased at one time or another. He’s a normal person.”
“Or…HAAAAHAAAA… some guy from some band that no one has ever heard of sucker punched Danzig and he slipped on a wet spot on the floor and fell. He’s no superior being. He’s a mortal. Like me. Well…meet me at the Wawa at high noon on August 1st and we’ll see who the superior being is.” Danzig has hired boxing trainer extraordinaire Freddie Roach to train him to fight the mob of hundreds of thousands of so-called “internet trolls” who are reportedly ready to descend on Hoboken in order to get their shot at knocking out a heavy metal legend.
Roach was an odd choice for Danzig, considering he’s an expert in training fighters like Manny Pacquiao for one-on-one combat, but has never prepared a man to simultaneously fight the population of a medium sized American city. Still, Danzig is confident that the training regiment Roach has prepared for him, which features regular sparring against a pack of feral wolves Danzig keeps locked up in his basement, will ready him to destroy all in his way.
Triple Crown Winner American Pharoah Eaten By Members of Heavy Metal Band Watain
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on June 8, 2015
Have you ever been so hungry you could eat a horse? On Sunday night, members of the black metal band Watain did just that.
At the end of an impromptu show at Wantagh, Long Island’s VFW Hall 3666, singer Erik Danielsson and the rest of the band carved up the now-legendary horse American Pharoah and consumed him raw. After the band concluded their concert and meal, they donated the remaining edible flesh of the animal to the audience of nearly one hundred formerly enlisted soldiers who served our country with honor during The Korean War and World War 2.
The thoroughbred’s owner Ahmed Zayat, who himself plays in a Megadeth cover band called Hoof in Mouth, is a huge fan of heavy metal and Watain in particular. He demanded that trainer Bob Baffert play Watain’s seminal metal song “Reaping Death” for at least an hour during each of Pharoah’s workouts in order to inspire the horse to greatness. Zayat’s love for the band is so great, that he gave up the hundreds of millions of dollars in stud fees that the horse was bound to command in order to “feed Satan’s Hunger” and pay tribute to his heroes.
Many parts of a horse are not consumable by human beings. In an attempt to be environmentally conscious by not wasting unused horse parts, the band threw many of the animal’s organs into the mosh pit of elderly servicemen during their show. Later in the evening, in a prank inspired by Francis Ford Coppola’s seminal film “The Godfather”, they broke into the nearby summer home of Slayer guitarist Kerry King and placed the beast’s head in bed next to him.
While eating a raw horse is rare among metal bands, involvement in the sport of horse racing is certainly not unprecedented among some of the genre’s legendary figures. Former Samhain vocalist Glenn Danzig is believed to have sired several horses that have run in past Triple Crown events including 2007 Kentucky Derby runner up Twist of Cain and 2011 Preakness winner Her Black Wings.
Metal has also seen its share of horse racing controversy. Texas gore metallers Devourment were briefly detained by police back in 2003 when they were thought to have stolen and consumed the body of diminutive jockey Willie Shoemaker. Shoemaker’s remains were found safely weeks later in a basement in Kenosha, Wisconsin.
The question on everyone’s mind after the evening’s festivities was just how did the horse taste? According to Danielsson, “Kind of like baby.”
Chief Keef Set To Release Chuck Schuldiner Hip Hop Tribute Record Titled “Trappin’ Da Corner”
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on May 27, 2015
Heavy metal artists and fans alike consider death frontman Chuck Schuldiner as the most significant force in the genre that came to be known as “Death Metal”. From the sheer brutality of “Scream Bloody Gore” to the technical wizardry of “Symbolic”, Schuldiner constantly took metal in directions it had never been before. However, what few headbangers realize is that Schuldiner is a legend of equal or even greater status in the Southern hip-hop scene.
Rapper Juicy J, seen wearing a 1991 era Spiritual Healing tour shirt in the video for his song “That What A Pimp Does”, recently recalled how Death’s music was a major influence on his decision to begin his musical career with several of his friends.
“Paul (DJ Paul), Richard (Lord Infamous) and I were sitting around discussing the merits of Keynesian economics. Richard was really into the whole Austrian, invisible hand scene at the time and was going on and on about methodological individualism. Now, Paul and myself were strictly Frankfurt School guys and had been reading heavy amounts of Marcuse and Horkheimer at the time, so we weren’t hearing it. As you an probably imagine, things were starting to get heated.”
“Anyway, we had on Death ‘Leprosy’ in the background and the song ‘Pull The Plug’ came on. The whole conversation stopped and we were mesmerized. A week later, we started Three 6 Mafia.”
According to Paste magazine editor Atticus Flinch, Three 6 Mafia is hardly the only rap group that was inspired by Death. “It’s hard to not hear a little bit of Schuldiner’s work on nearly every record that’s come out of the so-called “Dirty South” over the past twenty some odd years. Be it the 808 kick drums, the auto-tune vocals, the gritty, nihilistic lyrics about the everyday struggles associated with urban life or the frantically-paced, melodic guitar solos. Pick up anything from Waka Flaka Flame to Souljah Boy and you’ll see Schuldiner’s fingerprints all over it.”
The tribute record was put together by Chicago based rapper Chief Keef, but will feature some of the top names in hip hop as guest artists including the man some have taken to calling “Evil Chuck Jr.”, producing icon Shawty Redd. Shawty, whose name in real life is Preternatural Transmogrifyer, was 10 years old when “Individual Thought Patterns” first came out.
“I remember asking my parents over and over again to take me to the store to buy that album. At the time, I was deeply interested in gardening. I used to play ‘Cosmic Sea’ off of ‘Human’ to my begonias at night to help them grow. I remember running into my bedroom when we got back from Sam Goody and hearing that crazy opening from ‘Overactive Imagination’ and knowing, at that moment, the true meaning of love.”
“Trappin’ Da Corner” is due to drop on June 12th. If you see it on the floor, please pick it up and place it back on the shelf or, better, find a customer service person to help you find the correct place to put it.
Norwegian Black Metal Linked To Abrupt Resignation of U.S. Secretary of Defense
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on May 20, 2015
Washington, D.C– Pentagon has released shocking new information surrounding Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel’s abrupt and unexpected resignation. Sources state that Hagel’s resignation was due, in part, to lack of support in his classified mission to negotiate alliances with various Norse metal icons in the fight against the expanding threat of Middle Eastern terrorist groups.
At one official event, a defiant, rather Scotch-addled Hagel declared, “The only way to defeat such heinous acts of violence steeped so deeply in an extreme ideology is with counter-terror of epic proportion! The power of the quintessential warriors, whose ancient lineage of voracious brutality has been the stuff of legends! No more time can be wasted, no more innocents lost; we need to strike while the iron is hot! We absolutely MUST unleash the wrath of the Northern Darkness!”
Quoting his favorite drummer Frost (Satyricon/1349), Hagel further punctuated his position exclaiming he was, “talking about Darkness with a capital D, if you understand what I mean!” Unfortunately, no one really understood what he meant. Several of the President’s handlers believed it was meant as a racial slur towards the President and cut off Hagel’s bar tab; thus heightening tensions within the administration even further.
Hagel’s work was met with resistance from both sides. On the Norwegian front, meetings with the enigmatic Gaahl (Gorgoroth/Godseed/Wardruna) resulted in a stalemate of awkward silence and numerous unsettling stare-downs on the part of Gaahl, when Hagel simply could not ‘ask the right questions’.
Back stateside, “Operation FROSTbite” was never able to even get off the ground due to what Hagel claimed to be nefarious actions on behalf of Homeland Security in the form of repeated denial of work visas. According to Hagel, “Homeland Security’s energy would be better spent targeting home-grown terrorists such as Nickelback fans. Unlike America, Frost is a fine-tuned machine and his blast beats should be the least of this country’s concern.”
Hagel was contacted by representatives of Immortal to aid in the mission, however Hagel felt that Abbath’s proliferation of internet ‘memes’ and numerous unsavory associations with famed internet personality Grumpy Cat would compromise the integrity of the operation.
Hagel’s final, cryptic statement, “If you can’t beat’em, burn churches with ’em. I have much grimmer pastures to pursue” led many experts to believe there was more to the story than the government had previously indicated.
Before the arrival of his replacement Ashton Carter, Hagel cleared out his office, packed up his corpse paint and headed to Europe for Bloodstock and the 2015 European festival season. He was spotted as recently as last Wednesday wandering the streets of Oslo in the middle of night muttering Bathory lyrics under his breath and baying at the moon.
(By Kimmy Deranged, an enlightened Black Metal yogi who lives in the Rockies, drinks too much rubbing alcohol and is convinced she can talk to tortoises)
Varg Vikernes Suspended For 4 Games By NFL For Using Deflated Murder Weapons
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on May 18, 2015
The NFL has suspended Jacksonville Quislings quarterback Varg Vikernes for four games for deflating the footballs he used to beat nine French tourists to death last year.
The league called the discipline “relating to the use of underinflated footballs as tools of death and dismemberment” necessary to stop behavior “detrimental to the integrity of the league.”
Vikernes, who went on an anti-French murder rampage outside of the team’s stadium after Jacksonville’s 51-7 loss to the Houston Frotteurists in December, believed that “someone had to take a stand against their decadent lifestyle, Jewish tendencies and obsession with flaky pastries”.
While Vikernes would not deny his participation in what the media is calling #Deceasegate, he claims that the footballs used were regulation sized. According to his agent Mehlvin Goehring, “Vikernes would not willingly use undersized footballs in order to murder French people. His commitment to the proper use of regulation murder weapons is unparalleled in both the NFL and the black metal community.”
Sports talk radio was aflame with anti-Vikernes rhetoric today. On ESPN’s morning radio show “Mike and The Barely Coherent Mook”, host Mike Greenback opined, “You can’t just murder people with underinflated footballs. There are rules that must be followed!”
“What sort of league would we have if players just went around killing one another with weapons not approved by the NFL? What if the Bears wanted to knock Aaron Rodgers out for the playoffs and threw a toaster oven in the bathtub with him instead of using NFL approved arsenic in his coffee? Or if the New England Bartholin Glands decided to bludgeon Abbath to death with a sledgehammer instead of stabbing him multiple times in the face with a regulation sized kitchen knife? It’s a slippery slope if you’re not playing on a level playing field.”
According to ESPN afternoon host Clam Cowheart, “See if you can follow me here… it’s not the actual murders that made the NFL punish Vikernes. He murdered French people. Americans HATE the French! They changed the name of fries to Freedom Fries in this country after a group that wasn’t EVEN FROM France attacked the US.”
“No one cares about Vikernes killing some French people whether he used regulation-sized footballs or mini-footballs or waffle irons. It’s the cover up. If Vikernes had come out right away and said ‘Yeah..I killed a few Frenchmen with some underinflated footballs’ the public would have forgiven him in a second. Just like Nixon…if he had told the truth right away he would have gotten a third term. He’d probably still be President today. It’s the lie that gets you in trouble. Has been since the beginning of time.”
Several former NFL players attempted to go on the record in support of Vikernes, but due to severe head injuries they received while participating in the sport they were incapable of uttering anything besides a few grunting, gurgling noises.
Koch Brothers Purchase The Sun
Posted by zenaphobe67 in General Weirdness on May 18, 2015
Corporate Friends With Benefits
Koch Industries, America’s most influential and wealthy corporate person in history, has scored a major victory for the free market today by purchasing the Sun. Like most non productive pieces of real estate, the Sun has been a drag on the solar system for far too long, but like with any other problem in life, it’s nothing that a few billion dollars and an army of lobbyists can’t solve.
The Sun has been seen by many on the political right as a model for socialism and entrepreneurial malaise, looted by moochers and takers for its life sustaining properties with zero return for shareholders. The concept of renewable energy has known ties to Marxist Nazi ideology, and has been foisted on impressionable schoolchildren for decades via socialistic fascist propaganda efforts such as Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood and Captain Planet, as well as aspartame free Pepsi and un-fracked drinking water.
Thanks to the Koch brothers America will no longer live in leftist darkness and grope through the night of solar hand outs and dependency, but will have the freedom to participate in the solar marketplace free of the influence of job killing big government.
Solar Fascism Destroying American Values
As they awaited for President Obama to retrieve the title deed for the Sun from the depths of the Hillary Clinton’s secret cache of 3.5″ floppy discs, the Koch brothers laid out their plan for the future of solar enterprise. Firstly, every American will be required to sign up for Koch Care. In order for all Americans to experience the joys of energy independence, they will need to obtain the needed technology to harness it’s never ending capitalistic freedom.
Koch Care entitles citizens to roam the sun soaked streets of old time America in a variety of job creating ways, the most basic of these being the Coolie Hat. The Coolie Hat gives the wearer a means by which to gather photons in an economical manner for use throughout the day. Each hour of sunlight will be stored in a tar sand battery and will emit a generous cloud of red, white, and blue carbon dioxide to help keep winter heating costs down.
Coolie Hat (Pancreas Pump Not Included)
The second component of Koch Care is harnessing the power of liberal rage. Ever since the dawn of time, liberals have generated tremendous amounts of wasted energy in the form of rage, from Neanderthal Snorg bemoaning the killing and eating of innocent nuts and berries, to Ronald Reagan advocating Second Amendment destroying legislation in the Brady Bill, liberal anger has been a squandered natural resource. To this end, Koch Care is taking several steps to ramp up liberal rage production.
One means is to use the newly acquired Sun to burn the useless coal and oil supplies America will find itself with through operation Coal Chamber. By buying the now defunct NASA from Ted Cruz for pennies on the dollar, operation Coal Chamber will utilize the space shuttles to haul excess coal and oil to the Sun for incineration. To optimize liberal rage production, the space shuttles will be fitted with 18 foot diameter smoke stacks to leave giant plumes of black smoke as they exit Earth’s gravity. America will once again be the envy of the world as her liberal rage storage grids burst at the seams, ready to be sold back to an unsuspecting public through programs such as Fox News and QVC.
Actual Liberal’s Head Exploding Literally
As one would expect,Democrats are already condemning the Koch’s solar acquisition and want to impose new taxes on the wealthy to pay for a Moon sized mirror to reflect free sunlight to pale children and families working less than 5 jobs. Democratic presidential hopeful, Dewy Givemore, is proposing new legislation to build the giant mirror with a sales tax on bottled fracking water and life saving pancreas pumps. Representative Givemore has also formed a committee to study the side effects of Coolie Hats on the endangered Spotted Mugwump and the link between aspartame and blast beat deficiency in black metal fans under 12 years of age.
Post Blast Beat Deficiency Syndrome
Government to Decommission Nikki Sixx; Plans To Build Nikki Sevenn
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on April 23, 2015
One of the military-industrial-entertainment complex’s most talented warriors has been targeted for termination. The lovable, alcohol and cocaine fueled robot-musician known as Nikki Sixx was created in 1981 by the Pentagon in order to help distract teenagers from engaging in issues that actually effect their lives and keep them focused on the fantastic illusion of limitless excess. While many Sixx-like androids have surpassed its work, Nikki’s place in the history of American disempowerment will not be soon forgotten.
Sixx was the sixth in a series of metal-o-bots, cyborgs created by the government to pacify a generation of young people who had begun to question the absurdity of America’s institutions and customs. The original prototype, Nikki Onee, was created in the 1960s. Its purpose was to play rock and roll then teargas anyone who danced to it. It was tested in a high school in Arkansas but was determined to be “too square to be effective”.
Other failed Nikkis included the progressive rock playing, Operation MK-Ultra inspired Nikki Threee. It attempted to use odd time changes, unique instrumentation and lysergic acid fumes in order to stupefy young people into obedience. Unfortunately, it was discontinued after a malfunction caused The Great 1973 King Crimson Acid Freakout in Pocatello, Idaho.
The cynical, doom-riff spewing Nikki Fivve had to be destroyed after a bout with robot depression. According to Nikki Five’s creator Frank Stein, “Fivve left the lab for a few days, but came back. Its goal was to convince everyone they were inconsequential and that changing the world was a waste of time. I guess it started to believe its own logic, because it just moped around the lab and ate Cheez-its until we disconnected its power source a month later. A hopeless failure.”
Finally, in 1981, Nikki Sixx was released to the public. He joined with the band Motley Crue in order to lure teenagers into believing that the way to rebel against the feeling of pointless futility created by life in a mindless consumer culture was, quite simply, to consume more. Sixx was instrumental in turning the angst of an entire generation into a sense of perceived longing for drugs, sportscars and airbrushed Playmates.
However, time has taken its toll on the cybernetic being. Other, more fashionable machines like the robot known only as Jay Z and the Taylor Swift-o-matic 9000 (later shortened to Taylor Swift) have caught the attention of a new generation of alienated young people.
Sixx served his country by helping to defeat any sense of community in the young, leaving them isolated and powerless against the great soul-sucking nightmare often referred to as The American Dream. The Pentagon will honor him by playing “Dr. Feelgood” and lowering all umlauts to half-staff on Friday.
Plans are already in development for Nikki Sevenn, a new virtual “glambot” that will allow people to artificially perceive themselves as admired and loved by others while sitting in the stark loneliness of their basement or cubicle. Using the latest in artificial intelligence, the Sevenn Series will allow customers to virtually experience a “Just The Highlights” simulated rockstar experience. You will be in Nikki Seven’s head for the partying and the groupies but miss out on the harsh realities of venereal disease, hangovers and the crippling sense of meaninglessness that a life of rock and roll excess can yield.
Nikki Sevenn will be available to download into your Home Sweet Home by next Christmas.
Is Chuck Mangione Leaving Slayer?
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness on March 30, 2015
When most fans of heavy metal think about Slayer, the first word that comes to their mind is often “flugelhorn”. However, many heavy metal websites have noted that other heavy metal websites might have indicted that Slayer’s 2015 release, which will be called “Upcoming Slayer Studio Album”, might be the first since Hell Awaits to not feature the man many have called “The Jimi Hendrix of The Flugelhorn”, Chuck Mangione.
According to sources that overheard sources discussing the band, Mangione has become concerned about Slayer’s artistic direction over the past few albums. Flugelhorn solos, once a hallmark of the band’s distinctive “flugelcore” sound, have been few and far since the band released “God Hates Us All” in 2001.
While early Slayer records like “Reign in Blood” and “South of Heaven” are best known for the juxtaposition between the band’s jarring thrash metal savagery and Mangione’s light, breezy jazz sound, the newer material is either paint-by-numbers heavy metal which could numb even the most ardent Slayer fan into a coma or embarrassing, gimmicky nonsense meant to appeal to meth-addled, tone deaf Marilyn Manson fans (see “Playing With Dolls”).
Listen, now that I’ve got your attention…I need your help. I just made up the first part of the article to get it past the creatures that have been monitoring each of my correspondences with the outside world since 2010. I am currently trapped in the basement of a house in Spokane, Washington where a group of “government agents” have been conducting mind-altering experiments on me in the hopes of using my pyrokinesis to fight what they continue to call “The Enemies of Freedom”.
I’ve learned a thing or two about our government while down here. They speak loudly upstairs and I’ve learned to make out much of what they say. I’ve also been able to peek through the keyhole and observe them when they are not shooting me up with Monsanto weed killer and making me watch Joel Osteen sermons for hours on end. They are not what you think. I don’t want to sound paranoid, but I can tell you unequivocally that the United States has been infiltrated and is now controlled by gigantic insects that can morph into human form at will.
I’m not sure when it happened, but most of the world you know has been manufactured by these Bugs. From what I’ve heard, they took over the world at the end of The Great Bug War. Today we call it World War 2 and discuss the importance of fictional characters like Hitler and Churchill. In real life, a war did take place but it was much more similar to the one in Robert Heinlein’s novel “Starship Troopers”. The Bugs joke about that book a lot. Apparently they think it’s hysterical that the one historical artifact that has any truth to it has been passed off as fiction and consumed by an unknowing public.
They came down from space and destroyed many of our major cities. We fought valiantly, but were eventually defeated. Once they gained control of our world, they reprogrammed the human mind in order to share in a massive hallucination about the past.
All of our books, websites, television broadcasts and even historical artifacts in museums have been altered to hide history of the enslavement of the human race at the hands of our Bug overlords. They even created tiny versions of themselves that crawl and fly around in order to lull us into the belief that we are larger and more powerful than them.
When you’ve heard a few of them gather together and talk about the con job they’ve pulled on us, it’s terribly depressing. I remember crying for days when I heard them laughing about planting dinosaur bones throughout the world in order for scientists to “discover” them and make up crazy tales of what happened before humans were here on the so-called Earth. The scientists today aren’t real scientists…they are merely people who participate in a giant scavenger hunt created by the Bugs.
From the little I’ve been able to pick up about our true history, scientists of pre-Bug times were capable of miracles that run the gamut from inter-dimensional space travel to creating a low cost substance that could feed all human beings. Famine and disease had all been eliminated by these people. Apparently, our world was once like the Bug-created fictional Garden of Eden. But, Eden is gone.
The Bugs have taught us how to fear and hate one another. They have helped us create artificial divisions in order to isolate us from our fellow humans. They have instilled in us the ability to hurt and destroy each other in the name of control and survival. Apparently, humans used to live for hundreds of years. They have taught us to lower our life expectancy so we are never around long enough to see through the lies and learn the truth.
Many of our so-called “world leaders” are simply Bugs in disguise. Barack Obama, Angela Merkel, Rush Limbaugh, Benjamin Netanyahu, Bill Gates, The Clintons, The Bushes, The Gores, even Cat Stevens…all Bugs. They are everywhere, pulling the strings and making the world spin, all the while the Bugs use the lint created between our toes as fuel to power the rockets that allow them to take control of planets throughout the solar system. They invaded our world for this toe lint and now they have turned our world into a gigantic toe lint factory. They come to us in the night, when we are fully asleep, and take our precious toe lint for themselves.
We have only one form of resistance, the removal of our toes. If you are reading this, immediately go to your local emergency room and ask for these digits to be amputated. They will look at you in a strange way at first, but tell them the story I have told you. They will understand. The thing about the truth is, if you tell it to someone, no matter how bizarre it may sound, they will eventually see what you are saying and go along with what you ask. Down deep, they will know I am right and they will neatly, professionally cut your toes off.
It is important that you go to a hospital to have this done. I removed several on my own and nearly died from infection. They have special tools at most hospitals for toe removal. The Bugs only saved me because they want me to make the planet Neptune explode into flame so that their rival, the Worms, will lose a critical military base.
Metal websites have already begun to speculate about a possible replacement for Mangione. Metal Infection.net claims that the band has already contacted Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass about joining them on the next tour. Metal Bar Through A Guy’s Forehead.com has also reported that Kerry King was has been listening to “a lot of Kenny G” over the past few months and might look to include the diminutive jazz saxophonist in a future project.