We have always been a Bolt Thrower family. Many of our happiest, most memorable times have been spent listening to their music. Whether it was me soothing my son on his first trip to the dentist by playing him all of “In Battle There Is No Law” or my wife and I making the long car trips from Atlanta to Minnesota go by quicker by singing “Cenotaph” with them, Bolt Thrower have almost been like relatives. This is why, on my daughter Jo-Anne Bench Spillett’s sixth birthday, we’d like to hire Bolt Thrower to play the party.
However, as you probably have figured out, hiring a death metal band to fly from England to Atlanta to play can be expensive. My wife and I talked about how to make it happen financially, but short of working nine more jobs and selling the platinum grill I had made during my brief rap career, it didn’t seem affordable. Enter the miracle that is Kickstarter! We have seen several projects from a Veronica Mars movie to an Obituary album to a nose job for Sebastian Bach all get funded this way. Why couldn’t our dreams come true as well?
Therefore, I am proud to announce that The Tyranny of Tradition will be starting its first Kickstarter campaign to raise $250,000 dollars to get Bolt Thrower to play my daughter’s 6th birthday party on November 22nd. Sure, $250,000 is a lot of money, but I want to assure each and every one of you that each and every penny will be put to good use. In the spirit of transparency, here is an itemized list of what the money will be used for.
Band Compensation $25,000
Bolt Thrower is a legendary band and they won’t come cheap. Being metal legends, they deserve to be well compensated for their time. They will, of course, be responsible for their own airfare.
While we’d love to have them in our home for a one-time, special birthday concert, the wife and I are not particularly keen on letting them stay in our house overnight. We live in a gated community with an extremely active homeowners association. I’m not sure they would be willing to tolerate Baz Thomson walking out at 7 o’clock in the morning holding a Miller Lite and wearing nothing but his boxer shorts to get the newspaper. Let’s face it, they are kind of, well, dirty looking. Not any more than most metal bands, but certainly not the type of people we necessarily want the neighbors to see us with. They’ll fit in fine at the Super 8 motel out in Snellville.
According to the City of Atlanta, I’m not technically allowed to have a death metal band play in my backyard without a permit. Because of the potential noise and disruption, several local city officials have told me that it will be impossible to get a permit for the event. The $20,000 will be used to bribe the necessary City Council Members needed to get us the permit or, in case they are unwilling to be bribed, to hire a private investigator to dig up humiliating blackmail information on them.
Instead of hiring one of those costly, pretentious professional security companies, I have contacted a local motorcycle gang, known as The Disciples of Satan, to make sure that things don’t get out of control. Not only will they be tasked with crowd control, they will need to go door to door in the days leading up to the concert and threaten my neighbors with violence or the potential kidnapping of their children should they complain to the police about the noise or lack of available parking. The Rolling Stones used a similar approach to security with great success.
Home Renovations: $80,000
Our home is simply not ready for a concert of this magnitude. The backyard will need to be equipped with arena style seating, a stage and adequate bathroom facilities for the 10 or 20 children that will be attending. Also, a hot tub will need to be added overlooking the backyard in order to allow me to help loosen up my back from moving furniture to ensure the children don’t break anything if they wander into the living room. We will also need to add marble countertops in the kitchen and a new family room in order for us to spend quality time together.
Opening Bands: $10,000
Bolt Thrower is an older band who probably can only do a one hour set without risking collapse. Most parents expect these parties to go 2 to 3 hours. So, the show will feature several talented local bands including Spectrecide, Butter Knife Appendectomy, and Dysrythmic Sphincter Valve who will perform while the kids are playing party games like Pin the Murder Rap on Randy Blythe.
Live Pokémon Characters: $5,000
Besides old school death metal, both of my young children love Pokémon. What would make them happier than if people dressed in Pokémon suits came out during Bolt Thrower’s set to really get the pit moving? We’d have Snorelax, Charazard and even, during the encore, a visit from the one and only Pikachu.
It’s amazing how many things need to be rented or purchased outright in order to make something like this work. Lights, speakers, smoke machines, animal parts to be tossed into the crowd, a cake, and goodie bags filled with Bolt Thrower merchandise can really add up.
Remaining Money For Personal Compensation: $87,000
This is America. No one works for free. My wife and I plan on working hard to make this day very special for our little girl. Thusly, our effort should be rewarded in the form of monetary compensation for our time and labor.
Hopefully, this campaign will raise the funding necessary to make my daughter’s birthday a day to remember. If it is successful, this is only the beginning. I am already in the planning stages of several possible Kickstarter campaigns including a $300,000 campaign to stop Megadeth from making another album, a $5 million dollar drive reanimate Dio and a $250 million dollar fundraiser to take over the nation of Botswana and declare it a Heavy Metal Republic. So, take a moment of your time and help us to make November 22 the best 6-year-old birthday party ever. You’ll be glad you did.
#1 by Orange (a/k/a David) on August 5, 2013 - 10:57 AM
From your eloquent appeal, it’s clear, too, that biotech metal is big in the local Atlanta scene.
As for Dio and Botswana, count me in! You’ll have to prove yourself with the Bolt Thrower campaign first.
#2 by Metalhaid on December 27, 2013 - 11:40 AM
What he said! Especially about reanimating Dio!
#3 by Mary Spiro on August 5, 2013 - 11:07 AM
Reblogged this on Metallomusikum and commented:
Tyranny of Tradition takes and artful stab at our current culture of crowd-funded musical projects….with hilarious results. And really, how much DO you think it would cost to get Bolt Thrower to play a child’s birthday party? I swear, they’d probably do it.
#4 by Universe Number Five on August 5, 2013 - 2:16 PM
I’m gonna show up and perform about 30 minutes of a’caplla bluegrass rap… I’m also gonna bring 2 chickens, some french fries, a cake and a 40. This is going to the the 17th largest birthday party in Atlanta on that day!
#5 by Nurav on August 5, 2013 - 4:05 PM
If that’s fried chicken, I can offer my services for free on the rhythm section with the electric tuba.
#6 by Universe Number Five on August 5, 2013 - 4:42 PM
You know it, brother!
#7 by victoriagrimalkin on August 5, 2013 - 3:19 PM
Definitely the most worthy use of the Kickstarter program I’ve yet seen. I especially like the funding for personal recompense, as well as the astute choice for security in your tightly knit, gated community. Happy birthday to your privileged child.
#8 by jtp4250 on August 5, 2013 - 4:40 PM
#9 by Dave on August 5, 2013 - 5:14 PM
If I can secure an invitation, I’d gladly throw in a couple bucks. Link, please.
#10 by Crossover on August 12, 2013 - 7:19 PM
I will help you.
#11 by Keith Spillett on August 12, 2013 - 7:21 PM
Thank you kindly!
#12 by really on December 27, 2013 - 3:28 PM
Like id pay for ur house refurb…annnnddddd you wish to profit from your little darlings birthday bash! Dude, chuck on a cd and hire a clown! Then use the money uve saved to do up ur kitchen. :/0
#13 by Ss7004 on December 27, 2013 - 5:43 PM
Wouldn’t it be cheaper to go to England?
#14 by Keith Spillett on December 27, 2013 - 6:14 PM
My daughter is allergic to England so that idea is out.
#15 by Vash on December 30, 2013 - 5:01 PM
Bolt Thrower never play home, ever.
For every UK show, they do 30 German shows and then a few for the rest of the world.
#16 by Atli Jarl Martin on February 3, 2014 - 5:57 PM
#17 by 08DRMidnite on December 28, 2013 - 6:09 PM
#18 by blastoformity on December 31, 2013 - 2:08 AM
I’ve got 5 bucks to contribute.
#19 by kekko on December 31, 2013 - 3:16 AM
So,u want organize this shit for a kid which doesn’t give a fuck about that band(5years old is not enough for know a legendary death metal band)…..you dont have the money for fix it……you are asking the money around PLUS personal compensation?fuck you dude,whatta retard you are!
#20 by Fabio on December 31, 2013 - 6:15 PM
#21 by Chops666 on October 27, 2014 - 10:24 AM
Please tell me this is satire. Who in their right fucking mind thinks that they should be entitled to this? And for the fact that almost 1/2 the money you are asking for is for your own personal gain. This is why I hate some of the crap on kickstarter.
#22 by Keith Spillett on October 27, 2014 - 10:31 AM
#23 by Rosy Rock on October 27, 2014 - 11:13 AM
only if i get a goody bag! lol
#24 by Keith Spillett on October 27, 2014 - 11:22 AM
Sure! For a 10,000 dollar donation, I will give you a bag of Kit-Kats.
#25 by Bolt Tosser on October 27, 2014 - 6:41 PM
You have my axe…..and my pocket change.
#26 by Mark Zellman on October 27, 2014 - 7:37 PM
We all know it is secretly for you. Nothing but e-begging scum.
#27 by Justin G. on October 27, 2014 - 11:16 PM
This is truly ignorant rediculous and pathetic aside from giving your child an amazing birthday all of this is absurd. You and your family claim to love a band but yet openly patronize them, assume you should reward or “compensate” yourself with other peoples hard earned money for a hot tub and 80 thousand dollars for your “hard work”, give your daughter a fucking college fund and stop worrying about yourself. You don’t even mentioning if they’re funding would let them be able to attend . What did you do besides having an idea and making an internet post, possibly making phone calls and or maybe driving some. Its laughable. Over explaining yourself and adding rediculous achievements and purchases like a rap career and a “platinum” grill and your gated community its pathetic really what a rapper would do, be ignorant. You talk about yourself so pretentiously no onr cares, talk your daughter and why she deserves this. I hope you raise some money to.give yourself a great birthday but not the one you mentioned, and I hope everyone who reads what you propose does not give you anything more than a fuck you, definitely not any money. Wake up kevin spilett your a jackass
#28 by Philip on October 28, 2014 - 3:00 AM
This is a load of bullshit. And you guys are not even inviting the people who donate the money to you. Total WTF.
Also Megadeth rule. 666
#29 by cfany on March 4, 2016 - 1:58 PM
hope you failed with this stupid idea