The 657th Republican Debate of The 2012 Presidential Campaign in the State of Iowa as Told By Franz Kafka

“Nansen saw the monks of the eastern and western halls fighting over a cat. He seized the cat and told the monks: “If any of you say a good word, you can save the cat.”

No one answered. So Nansen boldly cut the cat in two pieces.

That evening Joshu returned and Nansen told him about this. Joshu removed his sandals and, placing them on his head, walked out.

Nansen said: “If you had been there, you could have saved the cat.”

-From The Gateless Gate

Announcer:  Now, presenting tonight’s debate between the leading candidates for the Republican nomination for the presidency of the United States.  Today’s event is sponsored by Big Vern’s Preowned Buicks an independent, freedom-loving outlet for the finest in preowned vehicles in all of suburban Waterloo, Iowa.  Here is tonight’s host, former All-American right tackle from the 1978 Sugar Bowl Champion Iowa Hawkeyes, the man who can put you in a Buick for under 10,000 dollars, Big Vern Walters.

Big Vern:  Yeah, uhm, thanks.  Tonight we are going to talk to some great Americans who may be President if the good lord wills it and chooses to not rain fire and brimstone down on the people of Iowa for embracing Satan and for buying cars made in Japan and other communist countries.  So, I digress, here’s the candidates.  If you don’t know them by now it’s probably because you’ve been watching CNN, otherwise known as the Commie News Network.  (audience laughs on cue)  Anyways, lets give a big Iowa welcome to the candidates.

(Audience applauds thunderously in response to the promise made by Big Vern before the debate that if they make the “Applause-O-Meter” reach 10 at least twice, they would get a dollar off coupon that can be used at the local Applebee’s)

(At this point, the candidates paste a big “gosh I hope you can look at me and think I’m the type of guy (or gal) you can sit down and have a beer with” smile on their makeup plastered faces)

Big Vern:  As for my first question, here it is.  Mitt Romney, Do you think that Obama is a Muslim?  If not, why are you protecting him?

Mitt:  Americans are were very hardworking them those who hate freedom well twelve Obamacare the enemies of the West those who hate us Obamacare Obamacare measured balanced approach our boys in Afghanistan Reagan them rock and roll is a bunch of mindless noise small businesses tax breaks Reagan fourteen insert joke here experienced leadership.

Gingrich:  Let me just interject for a minute.  Massachusetts Ted Kennedy liberal noise crickets my plan tax breaks Obamacare job creators those who hate freedom.  I have a plan that allows the 29th Amendment to use the Federal Reserve to make bacon.  Liberalism I’m an outsider Osama Bin Laden fear tax breaks Obamacare smarter than your average 4th grader thinking man’s conservative values welfare death cheaters awake after three.  Obamacare.  Liberal.  Brain Science.  Eliminate the Capital Gains Tax.  Reagan.

Big Vern:  That’s quite interesting, but Mr. Paul, how would you address the issue of people who make over 250 thousand dollars a year having to give away 3 quarters of their income to people on welfare who don’t want to work for a living?

Paul:  Let me first say, Obamacare (audience boos wildly).  Founding fathers spinning in graves to the tune of 7 trillion dollars in money spent on welfare in the past 10 seconds Federal Reserve Lizard People death no more taxes Obamacare….

Audience Member:  KILL THE HERETIC!!!!!

(Rest of Audience Laughs)

(Applause for no apparent reason)

Paul:  Federal Reserve buying cocaine or cannabis shouldn’t be a crime if you happen to drive Mercedes oppression taxation Department of Education selling crack to unwed mothers.  And that’s fine.  This is America.  Rights, Freedom, Liberty.  Some obscure historical example Republicans typically don’t use.  Freedom. Liberty.  Liberty. Reagan. Liberty. Atlas Shrugged.  Reagan.  Liberty.

Big Vern:  I just want to complement you, Mr. Paul, on being the only straight talker on this here stage.  Mr. Santorum, do you feel the media has been ignoring you?

Santorum:  Abortion….

Big Vern (cuts off Santorum):  And Ms. Bachmann, it’s been said that you believe strongly in values.  Is this true?

Bachmann:  Curing homosexuality welfare Obamacare (audience boos) good hardworking Americans freedom liberty Christ values Christ Tim Tebow (audience applauds wildly).  Freedom I’m from where the real people live liberty godless heathens cities children puppies apple pie godless communism Christ Tim Tebow Reagan.  Reagan.  Reagan.

Obamacare!  (audience lets loose bloodthirsty shouts)  Our soldiers are brave.  Socialism welfare dead values my opponents people underestimate me because I’m not paying attention.

Big Vern:  And Mr. Perry, how would you change America if elected President?

Perry:  (Unintelligible noises that somewhat resemble English)

Big Vern:  And Mr. Huntsman, clearly with a haircut like yours you are an establishment liberal from Massachusetts who can’t win.  A question for you Mr. Gingrich, now that you are the frontrunner in the field, how likely is it that your past ties to communist organizations like The Heritage Foundation hurt your campaign?

Gingrich:  (while wearing a giant squid on his head)  Fifty four forty or fight!!!!!

(Editors note:  How much sadness, how much horror, how much shame can one nation be subjected to before they see the entire sick, twisted carnival as being too much to bear?  Tell me what can be done….please.  Because this actually does matter.  Because this is not just simply a sideshow for the amusement of a bunch of uninvolved spectators.  Because really important things hang in the balance.  Because we are desperate for people who can help us make sense of the world we live in.  Because this is not entertainment, this is our lives they are talking about.  Because the civic arena was once where we exhibited the best of who we were.  Because there have to be better people who can lead us.  Because there simply has to be more than this.  Right?  Right??!)

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  1. #1 by dragonfae on December 16, 2011 - 3:58 AM

    Sounds like a David Kelly script. 🙂

    I have no clue what to do about the whole mess. Congress is a perfect example of how power corrupts … and sadly, I’m thinking the type of folks who might be able to fix the problems don’t want the job. It sucks. 😦

    • #2 by Keith Spillett on December 18, 2011 - 11:28 AM

      I don’t even think Kelly can explain the pure weirdness of what American politics has become. Maybe Dali or Tzara could figure it out. I dunno.

  2. #3 by nondualmind on December 16, 2011 - 7:45 AM

    I couldn’t agree with you more, Keith. Unfortunately, I don’t know of anyone who has the answer to this mess either….

    • #4 by Keith Spillett on December 18, 2011 - 11:30 AM

      I wonder if it’s possible to produce a higher quality product within the system as it’s currently constituted. Maybe not.

  3. #5 by Jim Wheeler on December 16, 2011 - 10:59 AM

    After the debate the Republican National Committee received complaints from viewers of the debate video who noticed that it was strangely short, seeming to last only half a day and not all day. Sure enough, a thorough investigation found that the hall’s engineering staff had been infiltrated by two techno-weenie Democrats, one Sturm Buffett who turned out to be a second nephew twice-removed of turncoat Warren Buffet (aha!), and his twin brother, Drang Buffett. They had cleverly spliced code into the recording software that removed the words “job killing taxes”, thus shortening the recording time by half and depriving the whole debate of half its meaning. (The bastards!)

    Sturm and Drang were sentenced by the (Republican) judge to take a bath and go out and get jobs, ” . . . something honest like making video commercials for Defense contractors for God’s sake!”

    • #6 by Keith Spillett on December 18, 2011 - 11:31 AM

      Sturm and Drang! I love it. That is American politics in three words or less.

      Did I mention that I am an engine of job creation?

      • #7 by Jim Wheeler on December 18, 2011 - 11:50 AM

        No! Really? Tell me.

      • #8 by Keith Spillett on December 18, 2011 - 12:12 PM

        I got a secret job creator medallion from Herman Cain! It’s super cool.

      • #9 by Jim Wheeler on December 18, 2011 - 12:24 PM


  4. #10 by John Erickson on December 16, 2011 - 7:45 PM

    I say this, only partly in jest – I think we need a Libya-style House (and Senate) cleaning. Unfortunately, the culture of buying your government representation is too set in to allow change to take root.
    So, we have a government, thinking about its’ best interests, paid for by LOTS of money, much of it from questionable sources.
    Quick! We gotta resurrect Da Mayor, Richard Daley (the elder, not his weenie son)! HE knew how to run a corrupt government while keeping the streets plowed. (Yes, of both snow AND protestors! 😉 )

  5. #11 by Keith Spillett on December 18, 2011 - 11:37 AM

    They should take the Daleys and send them out to sea in a bottle with the current. Now that you have mentioned the name of he who should not be mentioned, I’m going to need to bust out my Mike Royko “Boss” book and enjoy reading Dr. Royko rain ham down on the good mayor.

    • #12 by John Erickson on December 18, 2011 - 2:03 PM

      Well, I WAS trying to be a bit sarcastic. But in my defence, I never said Daley was either good or noble. Heck, I never said he or his son were even LEGAL! But I see a lot of commonality between a corrupt 1960s’ Chicago and a corrupt today DC. And being a past (and hopefully future) resident of the great City on the Lake, I can testify to the efficiency of city services in the better-off neighborhoods. (The South Side doesn’t count – we don’t even like to CLAIM it as part of Chicago! 😀 )
      Then again, Mussolini supposedly made the trains run on time (not, but a great myth), and I’d take a HUGE pass on having him run this country!

  6. #13 by Calhoun on December 20, 2011 - 9:05 AM

    Hey, great post!
    I wanted to write you to let you know that I nominated you for a Versatile Blogger Award!
    Check it out
    P.S. I swear, this is NOT spam
    PPS Do you think artificial intelligence has gotten smart enough that it knows how to say that it’s not spam? I hope not…

  7. #15 by Renovating Rita on December 24, 2011 - 10:58 AM

    I’m not firing on all four cylinders yet but thanks for the jump start. Enjoyed this post and discussion. I will be back, can’t say I didn’t warn ya. Thank you for reading my blog!

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