Keith Spillett
I have a lot of strange debris rattling around my mind that I need to work out in a useful way.
Homepage: https://tyrannyoftradition.wordpress.com
Overkill Singer: “I’m Not Embarrassed To Be a Plus-Sized Model”
Posted in Health Tips for An Early Death on November 12, 2014
Portly. Chubby. Rotund. Plump. Tubby. Or just plain fat. Overkill frontman has been called it all. He used to be ashamed of his girth. Now, he’s not hiding it, he’s flaunting it.
As a heavy metal singer for the heavy metal band Overkill, Bobby “The Blitz” Ellsworth is a major success. However, as a plus-sized model, Bobby is a superstar. In the last 9 months, he’s appeared on the cover of Elle, Vanity Fair, Glamour and The Omaha Steaks Catalog. He has overcome his fat-shaming critics and turned from a caterpillar into a swan.
Things weren’t always easy for Bobby. “I remember we were playing at a show back in 2001 and some guy in the front row was holding up a sign that said “Who Tends The Fries”. Who Tends The Fries!!! Man, I put my heart and soul into writing the song “Who Tends The Fire” and this idiot turned it into another cheap fat joke. I felt like giving up.”
But, The Blitz didn’t give up. Instead he resolved to become a role model for the 99.9999 percent of Americans who consider themselves to be overweight. In spite of the fact that according to the BMI index at 6 foot 3 160 pounds he is considered “morbidly obese” and only ten pounds away from “being so fat that his legs might collapse under him at any minute”, Bobby decided that he wasn’t going to live in fear anymore.
“Look, I’m not a size 0 or a -2. I’m big and I’m beautiful. And I’m not afraid to show it.”
Fellow Plus-Sized Model Christian Bale, Recently Named Spokesperson For The Calvin Klein “Perfectly Fit” Ad Campaign, Plans To Join Blitz On His Campaign To Raise Awareness
Bobby is committed to raising awareness. By raising awareness, he hopes to raise awareness in order to raise awareness. As many Americans are aware thanks to the thousands of campaigns to raise awareness, the best way to raise awareness is by raising awareness.
“Body image is such a big deal nowadays. Fat young pimply-faced metalheads are afraid to wear fashionable clothing and instead hide themselves in 4XL Skeletonwitch shirts. That’s why plus-sized models like myself and Kate Moss are trying to raise awareness.”
“Raising awareness is an important way to raise awareness. Once awareness is raised, we won’t have to raise awareness anymore. Then, we can raise awareness about something else. Eventually, we will be aware of everything. The key is to raise awareness.”
FRAUD AT THE POLLS: Piledriver Frontman Gord Kirchin Robbed In Nebraska Mayoral Race
Posted in General Weirdness on November 5, 2014
Piley Expressing His Displeasure At The Outcome of Yesterday’s Election
In an upset reminiscent of the famous 1948 Dewey/Truman Presidential Election, Democrat Harry S. Truman, who recently had been polling 112 percentage points behind Piledriver vocalist Gord “Piley” Kirchin, emerged victorious in the hotly contested race for Mayor of Nebraska. However, many of Kirchin’s supporters are crying foul.
While Metalheads comprise 68 percent of Nebraska’s population, a record low of 3 percent actually voted. Why such a low turnout? Many point to voting irregularities, reports of widespread voter intimidation and outright fraud.
Polling places throughout Lincoln, Nebraska, a hotbed of heavy metal and Islamic radicalism, were closed due to violence and rioting caused by Truman’s shock troops attacking anyone wearing Piledriver tee shirts or barbed wire hats. Truman himself was seen in Omaha beating several longhaired Piledriver fans with a baseball bat on Maple Street in downtown Omaha.
Twerk Dat Souljah Boy
One tactic used by Truman’s Thugs to disenfranchise Metalheads was blaring Mariah Carey and Garth Brooks songs at locations where balloting was taking place. The music forced many Metalheads, anxious to vote for Kirchin, to run away screaming before they were able to vote.
Police officers were spotted at several polling places giving tickets to any automobile with a Cannibal Corpse or Hirax bumper sticker on the back. Metalheads throughout the state were detained by cops because they “fit the description” of famed Nebraskan mass murderer Charlie Starkweather, who died in 1959.
Nebraska’s new “Stop and Frisk” policy netted the arrest of over 500 Metalheads outside of voting areas for carrying bootlegged tapes of Metallica’s Live From Antarctica “Trapped Over Ice” concert.
A Metal Voter Who Turned Away At The Polls For “Looking Weird”
Truman supporters throughout the state used a new tactic called “robovoting” in order to garner more votes for the candidate. Robovoting takes place when a special device is implanted in voting machines causing it to cast thousands of votes for one candidate. In the small town of Ord, Nebraska, a mysterious voter named Luke Bryan cast over 100,000 votes for Truman. The town only has 2,000 residents.
Outgoing Attorney General Eric Holder has ordered an investigation into illegal voting practices in the state that will “rival the speed and potency of the crackdown on Wall Street after the 2008 financial meltdown”. The Justice Department will announce indictments of anyone involved in obstructing the democratic process in Nebraska no later than 2056.
Piley has already announced that he will not contest the results of the election. Instead, he intends on forging ahead with his political career. A press conference/pig roast is scheduled for later today where he is expected to announce his plans to run for Prime Minister of Hawaii in 2015.
Look At The Silly Metal Mammals
Posted in Totally Useless Information on November 4, 2014
See The Metal Mammals At Work…
See The Metal Mammals at Play…
See the Metal Mammals Dressed In Their Metal Mammal Costumes…
Silly Metal Mammals…
Silly, Silly Metal Mammals…
Sometimes Metal Mammals Are Angry…
Sometimes Metal Mammals Are Sad…
Some Metal Mammals Are Big…
Some Metal Mammals Are Small…
Every Metal Mammal Is Special In His Own Way…
But The Most Special, Important, Wonderful Metal Mammal…
In The Whole Wide World…
IS YOU!!!
Media Slams Tyranny of Tradition For Linking Nebraska Mayoral Candidate Gord “Piley” Kirchin To ISIS
Posted in General Weirdness on November 3, 2014
Ole Piley…The Next Mayor of Nebraska???
A media firestorm is swirling surrounding Tyranny of Tradition writer Keith Spillett’s October 31st article on Exalted Piledriver Frontman and Nebraska Mayoral Candidate Gord “Piley” Kirchin. In the article, Spillett alleged that Kirchin “hinted that he would consider allowing ISIS to take control of parts of Lincoln, Nebraska and impose Sharia Law.”
Trusted news sources from Fox News’ anchor Megyn Kelly to Alex Jones have chided Spillett for irresponsibly stoking the American public’s fear of foreigners by reporting false information in an attempt to increase readership.
Spillett, who revealed this weekend that his source was a 7-year-old Trick or Treater dressed as an ISIS member, still stands by his article claiming that “whether the information is true or not, it was told to me by someone who might have had something to do with the situation, therefore, it is accurate.”
Tyranny of Tradition Writer Keith Spillett
Kirchin’s campaign manager Elizabeth Borden read a statement on Sunday morning vehemently denying that he would turn Lincoln into a bastion of Islamic radicalism.
“The Metal Inquisition is in no way associated, nor does it condone anything ISIS does besides the beheadings, and even then, only with professionally calibrated and registered Robespierre Industries Drop N’ Chop 2000© guillotines, even then only to be used on posers, wannabe’s and corporate lobbyists.”
“While ISIS could possibly generate a decent noise-core record or two, Sharia Law is pretty damned stupid and should be viewed as low and offensive as Nickelback’s last three albums, any two ‘songs’ by Drake, or any single millisecond of Justin Bieber’s total recorded output, and is to be shunned, reviled, and vilified as such.”
Meanwhile, Kirchin’s campaign has been emboldened by the scandal. Many Nebraskan’s who were initially put off by “Ole Piley’s” threat to make the “streets of Nebraska run red with the blood of those who betray the sacred cause of heavy metal” have begun to see him as a sympathetic figure.
“We kinda thought he was a bit, well, mentally disturbed when he started running. With that headpiece with all the spikes and all. Come to find out Ole Piley is a nice fella. And he’s against Sharia Law, so he’s alright by me,” said Merv Cunningham, a farmer and voter from McCook.
A Nebraska Voter on His Way To The Polls
A recent Gallup/CNN/Albert Speer Poll has Kirchin leading Nebraska Mayoral Incumbent Ben Roberts 61-57, with 7 percent of Nebraskans favoring former President Harry S. Truman. With the election on Tuesday and his numbers trending in the right direction, mayonnaise may end up being the new democracy.
Bizarre Candidacy of Piledriver Frontman Gord Kirchin For Mayor Of Nebraska Picking Up Steam
Posted in General Weirdness on October 31, 2014
The New Face Of Politics In Nebraska???
In the 1950s, no one would have ever guessed a second-tier actor best known for his work in a comedy starring a chimpanzee would go on to become President of the United States. Today, Ronald Reagan is better known as the former leader of the free world, not the stiff-lipped straight man from “Bedtime For Bonzo”.
Over the last 30 years, American politics has featured many such surreal stories of actors, musicians and even professional wrestlers becoming elected officials. This story, however, may turn out to be the most bizarre.
In 1984, Gord “Piley” Kirchin became a cult hero when he started the outlandish thrash band Piledriver. Known for their fast-paced songs and highly offensive song titles, the band carved its way into infamy as underground metal legends. Their best-known album “Metal Inquisition” was even mentioned in the famed PMRC report on heavy metal as “a disgusting, disgraceful, vile collection of songs that violate all basic standards of common decency, morality and even hygiene.”
Who could have possibly predicted that 30 years later, Kirchin would be the leading candidate in the hotly contested race for the Mayor of Nebraska?
Kirchin Openly Mocking Former Nebraska Mayor Ben Roberts At A Town Hall Meeting This Fall
In a recent Gallup Poll of voters in the State of Nebraska, 52 percent favored Kirchin, a Canadian born Independent who maintains a summer residence in Nebraska, as their next mayor.
“It’s unfathomable. The man has incited audiences around the world to commit sins that would make Jeffrey Dahmer blush…and now some Nebraskans want to make this human garbage pit mayor?? Personally, I find the entire thing shocking,” said Ben Roberts, the Democratic incumbent who trails Kirchin by 7 points in the poll.
An even more curious aspect of Kirchin’s campaign is that he has absolutely no opinion on any issue related to governing the state. He considers himself a “Reciprocrat” who eschews any connection with the major political parties, which he considers “the real profanity in America today”.
His campaign slogan, which is emblazoned across the state on bumper stickers and several billboards, is the cryptic but oddly poetic expression “I Know You Are, But What Am I?”
Kirchin’s grassroots campaign has seized upon a general feeling of distrust for government. He has refused to debate or even speak to any of the other candidates (aside from a brief appearance at a Town Hall meeting in September where he made offensive remarks about Roberts’ mother having intercourse with a walrus).
In the one press conference he gave, he stood on stage for 90 minutes fielding questions ranging from gun control to tax reform to abortion to terrorism by simply repeating the phrase “We are the Metal Inquisition, we sentence you to DEATH by guillotine.”
In spite of his silence on the issues, Kirchin’s band has actively supported the America’s fighting forces overseas by dedicating songs to them and donating albums, the self-styled “frost-backed Canadian-American Patriot”. However, he has also hinted that he would consider allowing ISIS to take control of parts of Lincoln, Nebraska and impose sharia law.
His campaign has illustrated that a state that prides itself on traditional family values would consider voting for anyone, even a person who once wrote a song about having carnal relations with Satan, over a politician.
The election takes place this Tuesday. Kirchin has promised the voters he will perform a human sacrifice on the steps of the State Capital the day he takes office. He might just get that chance.
Kirchin During His Highly Controversial Interview With Fox News Last Month
Obama Names Poison Drummer Rikki Rockett Attorney General
Posted in The Politics Of Catastrophe on October 24, 2014
After minutes of searching for a new Attorney General to replace Eric Holder, President Barack Obama has settled on Poison drummer Rikki Rockett. The unexpected appointment of Rockett shocked many insiders who had no idea that the President was actually considering putting the Department of Justice in the hands of a below average glam rock drummer.
Rockett, whose only experience with the American legal system has been a few traffic tickets and a false rape allegation in 2008, was shocked when he received the phone call telling him he was expected to begin work as the nation’s top legal official.
“At first, I thought C.C. Deville was pranking me again. Like that time he called me and told me that the United States had banned the use of peroxide and I’d have to go back to my original color.”
“Then, I realized I was talking to this really serious sounding dude named Denis (White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough). He was like, ‘you gotta be here Monday. Get dressed.’ I was like, ‘I’m in the middle of rebuilding a 1976 Mustang…I don’t have time for this.’ But, he threatened to have me arrested, so I got on a plane and here I am.”
Obama’s second term has been marked by questionable decision-making, apathy and indifference. Several sources close to the President have complained about his sleeping until 1 o’clock in the afternoon after staying up all night playing Elder Scrolls 5: Skyrim. He has allegedly walked into three recent high level Cabinet meetings while wearing pajamas and eating Cocoa Puffs out of a coffee mug. Last month, he was caught playing Candy Crush on his iPhone during a meeting with German Prime Minister Angela Merkel.
According to a source close to the President, Rockett’s appointment was a function of Obama “looking to get the damned thing out of the way by picking the first random name that came to mind.”
During Holder’s tenure, The Justice Department’s highly successful “War On Holding White Collar Criminals Accountable” led to the criminal prosecutions of absolutely no one responsible for crimes that nearly led to the collapse of the American economy seven years ago. His legacy now intact, Holder plans on going back into the private sector and help defend many of the underprivileged Wall Street criminals who may accidentally be prosecuted in the coming years.
Rockett, who initially balked at taking the position, warmed to it once he realized he could now use the full force of the American criminal justice system to ruin the life of guitarist Richie Kotzen.
Back in 1993, Kotzen’s affair with Rockett’s wife-to-be caused him to be kicked out of Poison, but Rockett is now looking at using more draconian means to reprimand the philandering guitarist. He plans on using a lesser-known provision in the Patriot Act to have Kotzen declared an “enemy combatant” and shipped to a secret US military base in Albania where he will be water boarded four times a day while listening to Bulletboys albums for the rest of his natural life.
Renee Zellweger: “I Don’t Think I Look Different Than I Used To”
Posted in General Weirdness on October 22, 2014
Actress Renee Zellweger Performing Her Hit Song “See You In Hell” At A Benefit Last Friday Night
“I’m glad folks think I look different,” the 45-year-old Academy Award winner told People after she became a trending topic on Twitter, some blogs deemed her “unrecognizable,” and there was speculation that she underwent plastic surgery. “I’m living a different, happy, more fulfilling life, and I’m thrilled that perhaps it shows.”
The Katy, Texas, native, who picked up an Oscar for 2004’s Cold Mountain, says that her new look is due to her new life. Her last movie to hit the big screen was 2010’s My Own Love Song. But she’s been enjoying life and love, dating guitarist and producer Doyle Von Frankenstein since 2012.
Zellweger During An Exclusive Interview With People Magazine
“My friends say that I look peaceful. I am healthy,” the Bridget Jones’s Diary star said. “For a long time I wasn’t doing such a good job with that. I took on a schedule that is not realistically sustainable and didn’t allow for taking care of myself. Rather than stopping to recalibrate, I kept running until I was depleted and made bad choices about how to conceal the exhaustion. I was aware of the chaos and finally chose different things.”
Now, she’s making better choices, saying, “I did work that allows for being still, making a home, loving someone, learning new things, growing as a creative person and finally growing into myself.”
Zellweger Trying To Eat A Microphone At A Concert Last Monday
Zellweger, who was recently arrested for attacking and eating a stray dog in Central Park, was seen last Friday at a benefit to raise money for the debilitating effects of skin wrinkles on the careers of aging actresses. Her Grim Reaper cover band “See You In Rock You To (All) Hell Let Loose” will be touring the Europe in the Spring.
“People don’t know me in my 40s,” said Zellweger. “People don’t know the new healthy me. Perhaps I look different. Who doesn’t as they get older?! Ha. But I am different. I’m happy.”
Iron Maiden Plans “The Least of The Beast” 2015 Tour; Will Play All Songs People Hate
Posted in General Weirdness on October 21, 2014
The greatest band in the known universe is going on tour. Again. After Iron Maiden concludes their highly awaited “Numbing of The Beast 2014 Tour” they plan to go back out on the road and play the worst songs from their nearly 35-year catalogue. According to singer Bruce Dickinson, “Iron Maiden has always been on the cutting edge of heavy metal. What is more cutting edge then making people pay 115 dollars to see a bunch of songs that they can’t stand?!?”
Maiden plans to dust off some of the most cringe inducing songs from their catalog including Weekend Warrior, Holy Smoke, Chains of Misery, 2 AM, The Apparition and Blood On The World’s Hands. They plan to open with Hooks in You, a song so bad that it has been linked to the self-immolation of 12 Tibetan monks over the past 5 years.
In the hopes to incite the audience into riot-like fits of rage they plan on playing Sheriff of Huddersfield, Roll Over Vic Vella and Nodding Donkey Blues, three b-sides they have never bothered to play live before. They plan on closing the set with Bring Your Daughter…To The Slaughter, the song that won them the Razzie for Worst Song from a Movie in 1989 (from A Nightmare on Elm Street: Part 5).
In keeping with their more “progressive” recent style of song writing, they plan to keep every song to a minimum of eight minutes long. Instead of adding intricate soloing or creating a novel new arrangement, they will simply repeat the same chorus over and over for five additional minutes per song. If the audience has not ingested full vats of cyanide laced Kool-Aid by the middle of the show, the 19-minute a cappella version of The Angel and The Gambler should push them over the edge.
What could possibly top that setlist? How about an encore where they play the entire Final Frontier album. Twice. Along with a 12-minute Bruce Dickinson monologue about the joys of flying backed by Janick Gers playing harmonica. It will be a night few will soon forget.
The band plans on releasing a Least of The Beast album featuring their worst songs in tandem with the tour. They also will be releasing six new DVDs in the next year, including Bus 666 disc detailing the bands trip through Central Florida on a Greyhound Bus back in 1981 and Meal 666, where the audience can have the rare treat of watching Bruce Dickinson eat a steak dinner. Nap 666, featuring Dave Murray sleeping for two hours, is scheduled for release in 2017.
Ronnie James Dio’s Family To Sue University of Texas For Stealing Heavy Metal Horns Symbol
Posted in General Weirdness on October 20, 2014
For years, the University of Texas has used the “Hook’em Horns” hand gesture without properly crediting its originator, hard rock icon Ronnie James Dio. According to a representative from the Dio family, it’s time that Texas starts paying for it.
In a lawsuit filed in Texas Superior Court on Monday, the Dio family has asked University of Texas to pay 730 billion dollars to Dio’s estate for “taking the most significant symbol in the satanic heavy metal community and polluting it by associating it with college football and a state best known for barbeque, executions and electing half-wit governors.”
Dio’s horns have been stolen by thousands of organizations and artists in an attempt to seem more edgy. Everyone from Eminem to soon-to-be presidential candidate Hillary Clinton have co-opted the sign in order to cash in on “the metal image” while not paying any respects to the man who created the symbol. The American Sign Language community has even perverted the satanic horns gesture and made it mean “I love you”.
Dio first began using the gesture at a Black Sabbath concert in Birmingham, Alabama in 1979. In an interview with MetalRoofing.com in 2001, Dio claimed that he saw the image of the Virgin Mary hovering over an International House of Pancakes about an hour before the concert. That image was devoured by the image of the demon Azazel. When the demon finished eating the Virgin Mary it stared Dio in the eye and flashed him “the sign”. The rest is history.
The lawsuit is another in a series of blows to the once proud University of Texas football program. The team is off to a horrendous 3 and 4 start and several key players have been kicked off of the team.
Many have questioned whether the curse placed on the program by Dio at the end of the 2005-06 National Championship season is responsible. Dio, who was a huge USC fan, and his spiritual advisor Ned LaVey, son of Church of Satan founder Anton LaVey, allegedly performed a ceremony where they drank a mixture of bulls’ blood, Jagermeister and the spinal fluid of Longhorns quarterback Vince Young.
This ritual has led to a series of troubles for the University of Texas including a critical injury to Quarterback Colt McCoy during the 2009-10 National Championship Game and boils developing on the face of Coach Mack Brown during a 2011 game against Oklahoma. Once the University pays the Dio family the 730 billion dollars it is owed, the curse will be removed and Texas will once again return to prominence in the college football world.
Danzig To Record Elvis Presley Cover Album
Posted in General Weirdness on October 16, 2014
Heavy metal legend Glenn Danzig is currently working on an album of covers of classic Elvis Presley songs. Danzig, who is referred to by many as Black Elvis both for his dark, Elvis-like voice and his love of New York City Hip Hop icon “Kool Keith” Thornton, has been planning to do an album in homage to the King of Rock and Roll for many years. In 2015, the album will become a reality.
Danzig, who began his singing career at age 12 as an Elvis out front of a Shoprite supermarket in Lodi, New Jersey, has modeled much of his look, attitude and trademark lip curl after Elvis. He even considered wearing a tight-fitting sequin jumpsuit during a concert in Toledo, Ohio in 1993 in tribute to his idol, but was forced to change back into a mesh shirt and black jeans by local officials who were concerned about the “hypnotizing, potentially mind-altering effect of his protruding pectoral muscles” on women in attendance.
Danzig (Age 12) Meeting President Richard Nixon in 1971
There are literally thousands of Elvis cover albums out, but Danzig plans to cover many of the lesser-known songs by the legendary crooner. “Everyone does “Suspicious Minds” and “Jailhouse Rock”. Glenn wanted to reflect a larger body of the King’s work,” said Danzig spokesman Larry Wainwright.
Danzig plans to re-record “It Ain’t My Fault”, a B-side of the single “Hound Dog”. That song was later popularized in the late 1990s by hip-hop legends Silkk The Shocker and Mystikal. He also has created a medley of “Whomp! There It Is!/Dayzee Dukes/C’mon ‘N Ride It (Da Train)”, recorded in 1974 on The King’s oft-forgotten “Shake Dat Thang, Heffa” album.
A rumor that Sunn O))), Slash and Linda Ronstadt would be joining him for a stirring rendition of “Lawdy Miss Clawdy” has been confirmed by several anonymous sources close to Danzig. A collaboration between Danzig, Cat Stevens, Doyle Von Frankenstein, Julie Andrews, Suffocation and Jimmie “JJ” Walker, star of the 1970’s television show “Good Times”, on the song “I Forgot To Remember To Forget” is also being considered.
Reports are sketchy on what other songs might be covered, but several websites have speculated that Elvis songs like “Breadfan”, “Stone Cold Crazy” and “Die Die My Darling” will be on the record.
The Tyranny of Tradition 