Archive for May, 2014
As General Douglas McArthur said only moments after the Battle of Norway at the end of World War 7, “why interview someone when you can ask them questions that they are asked to ignore and answer anyway they want?” I fully subscribe to this philosophy and have tattooed these words on my inner thigh along with a picture of Bob The Builder wearing a Slayer shirt.
Cattle Decapitation is a band and Josh Elmore is in it. He agreed to be unInterviewed only if I promised not to mention him by name or say what band he is in. He claims to play guitar in the band in spite of that fact that I insisted that he played saxophone for Spiro Gyra. I met him to discuss the band and his time as a professional male model in Botswana in the 1920s outside of a Starbucks coffee that he had set fire to only minutes earlier. The last few questions were asked as we were hiding from the police and several walruses under a canoe in the back of an elderly person’s house.
There are 34 different breeds of bunnies. One is called the dwarf bunny. It fits in the palm of your hand.
1. I have heard Cattle Decapitation has the lowest prices. How would someone join?
Fans can wait about a year from now to be entertained by Cattle and the Decapitations fresh new “effort” which the band is apparently half way through writing at present. Expect less blatant late-90’s JL America roster rip-off artistry and more straight up Mordred worship.
2. My uncle has cholera?
It’s a seemingly odd but consistently observable trait that certain males like to project a tough guy image, yet always have at least one element to their persona that is a bit dandy. Maybe it’s some genius strategy to put off potential rival males vying for power, a mate or status. When you’re getting beaten up by some guy from Connecticut who’s wearing an Orlando Magic jersey, copious amounts of Dep and a Defiler flat-brim, it is hard to not laugh when all you can picture is them telling their mom that they’re just taking this one semester off or that they don’t know anyone who “does coke.”
I’ve become more convinced that people who label themselves as Libertarian are just living in the stage of suspended animation between youthful liberalism and fully embracing their parent’s reactionary small-business conservatism. There’s a totally different generational mindset, y’know? I have lots of black friends.
4. How is a thing made round?
Do you think Ron Rinehart eventually hooked up with that blonde chick he was macking on during the Ultimate Revenge 2 show? I think she might’ve just been being nice.
5. My back hurts when I lift heavy objects?
There is no middle ground with metal dudes. Either they are simultaneously working on 10 different musical projects while pursuing their doctorate in existential philosophy or they’re looking to celebrate their promotion to shift manager at Auto Zone by downing some beers and cranking some METAL. At least that’s what Facebook told me.
6. If one day you found yourself trapped in cellar in Des Moines, Iowa with only a crowbar and a copy of Time magazine from 1947, what album would you listen to?
Ever notice how “the Midwest” is the new “the South?” Apparently the newly defined geographical location of said “Midwest” is anywhere east of Vegas and west of Philly. Talk to any 22-year old from Orange County for more than 5 minutes and they’ll be sure to mention that they’ve been to Bhutan 6 times but never east of Phoenix, cuz like, why? LOL
7. Do you have? If so, why?
The Internet has been the death of finding stashed pornography in a ditch or at the forest preserve. This rite of teen male passage is now extinct. It makes me want to slug Al Gore in the feedbag.
8. The Middle East?
Have you ever had camel’s milk? All I could compare the flavor to is a combination of that burnt pasta smell/taste and the odor of grandma’s recliner.
9. Sometimes, when I’m alone, I stare at a picture my grandmother painted back in 1963. I’m pretty sure there is another painting underneath, because it looks like there are additional arms coming out of the body. But, sometimes I wonder if she INTENDED it to look like. Almost like some sort of optical illusion. Like Escher, but not as detailed. Honestly though, that’s quite inconsistent with her style as an artist. But then, Picasso went through many phases as an artist. Maybe this was just some sort of experimental thing she did one time, but never repeated. Are you wearing pants?
If you are as sick of dealing with ill-disciplined stump-broke calves as I am, it would be wise to appeal to the animals’ more base appetites in order to modify and eventually squelch the defiant behavior. Swirl your finger in about a tablespoon of blackstrap molasses and then let the calf satisfy itself with the viscous treacle. You will have a domestic beast that is now all too willing to pursue your task regimen (both in the field and repertory) in hopes of a sweet reward.
10. If you had to tour with one band on the planet, would Gandhi still be alive today? If so, would he look like Eli Wallach? If not, will you recognize the People’s Republic of China?
(Editors Note: At this point, Josh provided a link to a video as a way of not answering this question. If you click here, you will see it. If you don’t click on that last sentence you won’t. You will be missing out and will be racked with guilt and emptiness for the rest of your natural life)
11. Satan? If so, Gary Coleman? If not, elephants have babies, why can’t plants?
It is time to put a stop to this lemon in the water trend at restaurants. Did I ask for that? No? Then get that disgusting thing out of my water. People have said; “they’ve always done that.” LIES. In my nearly 4 decades of existence I cannot remember any time except the past couple years that lemon is in everything. Do I throw a carrot in your Dr. Pepper? NOPE. I don’t want to smell that citrus reek on your fingers or stinking up the break room at work. The next person I hear say “but it’s so refreshing” is getting a roll of quarters to the jaw.
You’ve probably heard of him before. He’s part wolf, part lion, part ubermensch. He is possibly the most evolved being in human history. He is Glenn Danzig and He is suing you.
In a stunning declaration of war against the entire human race, Glenn Danzig has filed a lawsuit in Manhattan Federal Court against over seven billion human beings. Danzig, who is acting as his own attorney, claimed in one of the over 40 billion documents brought into court by an entire fleet of Federal Express trucks that “He has been done wrong by everyone including Misfits bassist Jerry Only, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, actor Eli Wallach, NFL quarterback Sam Bradford, Frank Oz (the voice of Yoda) and everyone else on this godforsaken planet.”
While some of the suits have been thrown out by the Court as frivolous, over two and a half billion cases will be heard over the next five centuries. Danzig, who is immortal and has over 35,000 defense points (ten times as many as Snorlax), plans to argue each case “with the passion and burning rage of a thousand suns”.
Judge Marvin Barnes labeled many of the suits “patently absurd and possibly indicative of a severe break with reality that could signify mental illness”. For example, Danzig attempted to sue everyone in the country of Azerbaijan for erecting statues in his honor without properly compensating him for the use of his likeness.
His lawsuit against the 1.6 billion citizens of the People’s Republic of China for building thousands of environmentally hazardous coal plants without consulting Him or giving Him proper credit for the invention of coal was also considered not worthy of the Court’s time.
Barnes begrudgingly agreed to hear 2.5 billion lawsuits because he “greatly admired Danzig’s first four solo albums and even a few songs by Samhain.” Danzig’s five hundred thousand dollar suit against Carol Mosley, a tax accountant in Boise, Idaho, for listening to “How The Gods Kill” without headbanging during the part where the song gets really heavy will go forward.
His 1.2 million dollar suit against Edward Callahan, a construction worker in Sacramento, California, when, in 2011, Callahan laughed hysterically at Danzig’s famed discussion of his book collection where He talks about the crimes of Jesus, clay people and the occult roots of Nazism will also see its day in court.
Danzig’s six hundred million dollar claim against The Tyranny of Tradition for implying that he gave birth to identical twin girls, a suit that would bankrupt myself and my progeny for the next three thousand years, is also proceeding. Danzig also plans to sue this website for having to waste time filing a lawsuit. Finally, Danzig will sue this site for having to file a lawsuit about filing a lawsuit; again wasting valuable time he could be using writing songs about being the nephew of the Devil and his general disdain for having been born.
The interview is dead. There have been thousands of them in the history of heavy metal and what have they really accomplished? War, global warming, famine, infant obesity and the looming specter of canine halitosis still haunt us. The time has come to ask the question that our beloved former leader George W. Bush once asked: Is we learning?
We have now embarked on a bold new journey. Welcome to The Age Of The Uninterview.
Allegeaon is a band. They have a very challenging named to spell, but they are very talented at playing the heavy metal music. (I offer proof of that in the form of their new video which is utterly hysterically brilliant and excellent and good. CLICK HERE AND THE VIDEO WILL APPEAR ON YOUR SCREEN….BELIEVE IT OR NOT COMPUTERS CAN DO THAT NOW AS WELL AS COMPLEX MATH PROBLEMS AND PLAY CHESS)
I like them. I got to talk to a bearded, scary looking fellow named Ezra Haynes who claims to be in the band. I think he plays some instrument or sings or something. He’s very good at it.
In Hebrew, Ezra means hard worker. I’m not sure if he knows that and I forgot to tell him. He might speak Hebrew, but honestly, the subject never came up so I can’t be sure. If you spill water on Ezra, he will sprout hundreds of mini-Ezras from his back and neck. He and I met for coffee in one of the 36 stomachs located within a cow named Gertrude in Provo, Utah.
These people have an album coming out. They call it “Elements of The Infinite”. You can buy it. If you want. Because we have free will. Unless you are in prison or trapped in the basement of a serial killer.
Back to this Ezra guy. He has been instructed to not answer any question I ask him, which is good, because many of the questions are remarkably stupid.
1.Are you French? If so, why?
Yesterday I woke up at 4:00pm, nothing makes you feel more like a scum bag than waking up at 4:00pm. On top of that, I wore only basketball shorts and ate quesadillas for the rest of the day. Pretty scummy.
2. I’ve heard that Allegaeon is Swahili for “one that works with oxen”. If this is true, how do you explain the existence of evil?
I once ran through a Scientology building in Los Angeles yelling “Tom Cruiseeeeeeee”. Later that night I found myself walking around Hollywood with a samurai sword. This is all very true.
3. Women often tell me they are surprised that I’m a Scorpio?
The new record came along great! We’re just gearing up for the release this Summer and plan to tour relentlessly to promote it. We look forward to sweating it out in the van.
4. When you were young, did you chew on your clothes? Did you chew on other people’s clothes? Did you chew on other people? Did you chew?
I really don’t like the word ‘muddle’. It sounds so gross to me. I work at a bar in Fort Collins and one of the drinks calls for cucumber and mint leaves to be ‘muddled’. One muddled muddling muddler coming right up! Muddle.
5. How come the Kansas City Royals insist on playing Lorenzo Cain over Dyson Spheres even though Spheres is capable of stealing 80 bases if given regular at bats?
Last night I had a dream that I was cleaning my cat’s litter box. Why did my brain waste all of that energy on that? Wearing sunglasses assures that you never blink in photos.
6. So, I hear you like milk?
Why did I get a external hard drive with moving parts? I should’ve sucked it up and paid for a flash external hard drive. I wonder how many days it has left? Why is it on? It looks pretty trashy with an empty beer can on it.
7. What’s with all the guitars and stuff? I mean, isn’t that stuff hard to lug around everywhere? Do you have any back problems? Have you considered surgery?
I should give Corey a call. Hearing him complain about life makes me feel good.
8. I have a spleen, but I’m not sure why? Or where?
Boy is Greg cranky today. I love him.
9. If Jive Time Jimmy Camiby fought the Ooglabot in Guam (with Moo Goo Jerry Gonzales as the referee), why do you suppose people continue to bring children into this hellish, godforsaken world?
May 5th – 3:40 pm I woke up at 12:00pm today. Still eating Quesadillas though. Baby steps. Progress.
Sincerely, Ezra Haynes
10. Lady Gaga is missing an eye. Do you think that someone took Pokerface literally?
I think I’m supposed to do an interview today.
11. A train leaves Chicago travelling 40 miles per hour?
That new Godzilla movie looks really cool.
12. Do you think there is outer space?
I am terrified of horses.
13. Who invented titanium golf clubs?
Horses are like, really BIG.
14. If Adam and Eve didn’t have belly buttons, would it prove the existence of a merciful and loving creator? And what do you think of Kreator?
Greetings fellow metal heads! This is Richard Simmons, and I’ll tell you what, a lot of guys across this hibernation nation are writing me to find out where they can buy XXXXL leather pants and bullet belts before the summer concert season hits like a ton of bricks.
You don’t need a new wardrobe, you just need to get metal thrashin’ mad at that out of shape bod, and get your old anorexic, bean pole shape back. “How the #$%^# am I going to do that?” you ask? Well, I’m sure you’ve seen the advertisements for my famous “Sweating To The Oldies” workout programs that have helped a lot of people get back into the best shape of their lives, right? Well, I’m happy to say that with the help of Full Metal Racket Productions, I’ve got just the thing to get you back to your twiggy old self again. Sweating To Death!
I hear you growl, “Sweating to Death? You mean “Death”, as in THE best death metal band in history?” That’s right. DEATH! Sweating To Death is going to revolutionize your self image and get you back into the shape of a fence post. Many people don’t realize that I just love death metal to death. When I was a rebellious teen, my Uncle Garth bought me death metal cassettes from all over the world and I was hooked like a heavy metal Mr. Limpet. I discovered that heavy metal was the key to getting into shape and getting the respect I deserved in the mosh pit.
Sweating To Death has been such a success that Bulimic Corpse Magazine calls it, “A masterpiece of metal and fat melting moves. Six horns up!” This program was even instrumental in getting Rammstein back into shape after their bratwurst and beer binge tour. Till Lindmann was in tears when he went from being a heavy metal monster, to slim, trim, pyrotechnic mad man once again. Never fear your mom putting your favorite concert tees in the dryer ever again!
So, move over “Screamin’ For Benchpress”, and get lost “Too Fast For Lovehandles”, because Sweating To Death is going to succeed where other programs fail. The secret is in the space age combination of hyper, double-bass blast beats with a mixture of hand picked, fat burning exercises such as:
- Kettle Mills – Every metal head knows that windmilling for 3 hours solid can build a neck like a centaur on steroids. I’ve added resistance to this classic move for insane, neck ripping power. The trick is to duct tape a 15lb. kettle bell to the end of your hair and windmill like there’s no tomorrow. Just be sure to watch out for those ceiling fans or mom’s going to slip a gear!
- Crabcore Jacks – The superb health benefits of crabcoring can not be understated, but I’ve added some devilry to these crustacean fat melters that will get your thighs begging for a merciful fate. The trick is when you get your thighs parallel to the ground, have a modest weight friend leapfrog onto your shoulders and then perform an explosive jump. I recommend spandex pants for these seam rippers!
- Amp Head Presses – Upper body strength is your friend, in the mosh pit and out, so I’ve incorporated an alternative to boring barbell presses, Amp Head Presses. This exercise is a bit tricky, but with proper form, your arms will look like they belong in a Manowar photo shoot. Keep a straight back and hold the amp head overhead for the length of two Tool songs. That’s it. Remember to keep a straight back and don’t lock your knees, and your guns will be ready for the next battle of the bands in no time!
What are you waiting for? Pick up that phone and scream bloody gore! The first 666 callers will receive a free bonus disc containing my new abdominal workout, “8 Minute Grind Core”. That’s 75 songs to inspire you to get that abominable abdominal look the ladies go crazy over! Call now, supplies are limited!
The Department of Homeland Security issued a Code Green alert last week when they were informed of a possible terrorist plot in Washington State. A Chinese sleeper cell was discovered operating out of the Washington Zoo and the city is in lock-down with mandatory curfews and roadblocks set up at every one of the city’s 890 Panda Express restaurants. The Shyong-Mahw Pinyin or “Giant Cat Bear Revolution” was discovered operating a cassette pirating and penny counterfeiting scam from inside one of the panda habitats in the Seattle Zoo.
Authorities were called to the zoo after Blanche Grant, a panda keeper, reported that she was distributing the evening bamboo rations and one of the “pandas” pulled a gun on her and demanded she take him to the nearest Panda Express because he “couldn’t take eating bamboo for one more day”. At that moment all hell broke loose when several of the other “pandas” tackled him and dragged him back inside the enclosure and began to beat him with bamboo rods. The situation escalated when the dominant, really real male panda became enraged by the screams and commenced mauling the costumed terrorists. An explosion shortly followed the human/mammal melee, and it is theorized that the ruckus had caused the premature discharge of a coconut and bamboo explosive device hidden inside the habitat.
Among the evidence obtained at the scene was what appears to be a copy of the terrorists manifesto which railed against such things as the American government’s use of Nickelback songs in extracting confessions from suspected terrorists at Guantanamo Bay, and the recent merger of Comcast and Time Warner Cable and it’s detrimental effects on Netflix streaming services.
Law enforcement personnel are in the process of investigating the remaining animal habitats to see if other well organized terrorist cells have been able to set up shop to engage in illegal activities under the guise of chimpanzees or merkats.