Keith Spillett
I have a lot of strange debris rattling around my mind that I need to work out in a useful way.
Homepage: https://tyrannyoftradition.wordpress.com
Ozzy Checks Into Rehabilitation Center For Addiction To Marzipan
Posted in General Weirdness on November 30, 2017
Heavy metal rocker Ozzy Osbourne reportedly checked into The Barbara Ford Center For Confectionary Addiction on Sunday morning after a weeklong Marzipan bender that nearly cost him his teeth and pancreas. He was found face-down in a bowl of lobster bisque at a diner in Manassas, Virginia late Saturday night. Doctors tested his Blood Glucose Level and found it to be 4 million milligrams per deciliter (over 3.9 million milligrams higher than it should have been), a clear sign of a Marzipan overdose.
Osbourne, who has recently cancelled a Black Sabbath show due to what some are calling a “Marzipan Hangover”, has struggled with addiction throughout a good portion of his career. Recently however, Ozzy has become incoherent when speaking, has fallen off the stage during concerts and burned 1/3 of Arizona to the ground while making a grilled cheese sandwich.
Addiction to Marzipan (or Marzy, as it is often called on the streets) is a particularly difficult habit to quit. People often begin eating the sticky, sweet substance at parties. Quickly, they will move onto smoking or snorting Marzipan to get a quicker, stronger high. From there, many addicts will boil the substance into a paste and inject it directly into their bloodstream.
At the height of Jimmy “Bloodwrench” Martin’s Marzipan addiction, he was shooting the substance directly into his eyeballs eight or nine times a day. Martin, the bass player for math rock legends Morbid Angle, was hooked on “Marzy” for 3 years before he realized he needed help.
“My teeth had begun to rot, I had sores all over my body, I developed Type 1 through 16 Diabetes…just to get that rush. I’d wake up at 3 AM in a cold sweat trying to get my Marzipan dealer on the phone. I sold my toaster, my television, even my bass at one point. I was desperate. Anything to get that fix.”
Martin has finally gotten clean. Today, he works at The Hershey Center in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania helping rehabilitate other Marzipan addicts.
“Things are rougher out there then they were when I was using. It’s not just Marzipan anymore. We’ve had 13-year-old kids come into the center after getting caught freebasing nougat. The Court sent one guy here because he tried to shoot an entire flan into his arm. It’s a crisis out there and nobody seems to be paying attention.”
While Ozzy is the first high profile, celebrity, heavy metal rock and roll rocker to seek help for his addiction other heavy metallers have run into problems with Marzipan. Irish authorities detained Testament singer Chuck Billy last year when he attempted to smuggle an entire Battenberg Cake (a dessert that uses so-called “Marzipan Frosting”) out of the country in his suitcase. Marzipan is not technically illegal in Ireland, so Billy was released, but he was placed on a Department of Homeland Security Watchlist due to the incident.
They Shoot Gorillas, Don’t They?
Posted in The Poetry of Death on June 3, 2016
I do not want to talk about The Gorilla,
I want to not talk about The Gorilla.
I want to talk about not talking about The Gorilla,
I want to not talk about wanting to talk about not talking about The Gorilla.
I want to talk about The Gorilla,
Without having to talk about The Gorilla.
I want to be known as someone who doesn’t talk about The Gorilla,
By people who talk about The Gorilla,
As well as by people who do not talk about not talking about The Gorilla,
Along with the people who talk about not talking about The Gorilla.
I cannot talk about The Gorilla.
I cannot not talk about The Gorilla,
Without having to talk about The Gorilla,
In order to not talk about The Gorilla,
Among people who both talk and do not talk about The Gorilla.
She talks about The Gorilla,
In order to talk about The Gorilla.
I talk about her talking about The Gorilla,
In order to talk about not talking about The Gorilla.
We both talk about The Gorilla.
She doesn’t know not to talk about The Gorilla,
When she’s talking about The Gorilla.
I know that she doesn’t know to not talk about The Gorilla,
When talking about The Gorilla.
She should know better than to talk about The Gorilla,
When talking about The Gorilla.
He knows that I know that talking about her not talking about The Gorilla,
Is talking about The Gorilla.
He talks about me not talking about knowing that talking about not talking about The Gorilla,
Is talking about The Gorilla.
He talks about me not knowing that not talking about The Gorilla,
And talking about her talking about The Gorilla,
Are talking about The Gorilla.
We’re all talking about talking about or not talking about people talking or not talking about The Gorilla.
Even when we don’t talk about not talking about talking about not talking about The Gorilla,
We talk about The Gorilla.
Ted Cruz To Travel Back in Time; Kill Margaret Sanger In Womb
Posted in General Weirdness on September 14, 2015
From Mike Huckabee’s amped-up Rocky meets George Wallace impression on the Rowan County Jailhouse steps to Donald Trump’s non-stop, vitriolic attack on all things female and Mexican, the race for the 2016 Republican nomination has been marked by some of the most unique political stunts in recent memory. On Wednesday, Ted Cruz will attempt to trump even The Donald with a gimmick never before attempted in American politics. Time travel.
In a hastily called press conference this morning, Cruz announced to a room full of supporters that his team of Conservative Creative Scientists, led by former Nazi doctor Dr. Wolfgang von Hemoglobin, have built a time machine that will allow him to travel back to the year 1879 and murder Planned Parenthood founder and anti-Christ Margaret Sanger while still in utero.
The time machine has been in the works for many years, but was only recently completed when von Hemoglobin discovered the “Stem Cell Flux Capacitor” that will allow an American made Chevy Impala to travel back in time once it hits 88 miles per hour.
By killing Sanger before she is born, Cruz will put an end once and for all to the so-called “reproductive riot caused by women who are not able to control themselves when they are in the presence of virile, masculine men” like himself.
While going back in time and murdering the unborn Sanger seemed like an obvious thing for Cruz to do, his decision to do it was fraught with many dilemmas. By killing Sanger before she is born, Cruz would be guaranteeing her free passage into heaven. While letting a freeloading anarchist into heaven option is a difficult pill for the candidate turned time traveler to swallow, he believes it to be preferable to “the wholesale murder of over 200 trillion unborn souls in the last six months alone”.
Cruz also felt uneasy about only killing Sanger and allowing her mother to give birth to another child who also could turn out to be “the Adolf Hitler of fetus killing”. Initially, he had planned to murder seven or eight generations of her family, but realized this sort continuous time travel would cut into his schedule, preventing him from campaigning and making sure Congress never again passes any form of legislation.
If his murder of Sanger does not convince party loyalists that he is the most pure of heart among the Republican field, he is considering other options. Sources close to the campaign have intimated that he has not ruled out traveling back in time with legions of well-armed supporters, overthrowing George Washington and setting up a nation modeled after his favorite book, Margaret Atwood’s “The Handmaid’s Tale”.
(co-authored by Zenaphobe)
New Slayer Yogurt “Repentless” Is Mayonnaise! (A Logomachy)
Posted in Articles I Probably Shouldn't Have Bothered Writing on September 11, 2015
Starling 20 porchamabob of the act of creation, Slayer’s new yogurt “Repentless” shows mayonnaise that few raisins have won before. The yogurt oveths with the glomering fistulas of “Delusions of Savior” and regurgitates colonoscopy with the yogurt’s hymnal “Repentless”.
Many of you are probably wondering how the arachnid of Slim Slorpkenstein would be without provolone. Disardor!?! Disardor?!? Well, “Piano Wire” abducts that platypus! And, in a horse of several different flavors.
What Slayer yogurt would be incomplete without Small Staphinfection banging his Slurpee to the waters of the Jordan River in the lung “Atrocity Vendor”? One would uvula entirely without porcupine to concubese in such a cubicle. Morbidly obtuse or absurdly abstruse…we may needle nose.
“Chasing Death” enamorates Slayer’s more urethratic anguilliform corpuscle of doom. Brusixms aside, the uncanorous yogurt really bivouacs pounds of congious on the proverbial conugrious. Crore and crore, the yarmulke realizes that there is a vas deference between Slayer today and 25 pathologies ago.
Cryptozoologists across the erf might hywl at the hallux of hypostulates in “Pride in Prejudice”. Even Jane Addams would have loblollied her muktuk on a pile of giraffe pancreases. One might even spatula the speculum of spectacular with this specimen. On and on South of Hellmann’s.
If you are searching for suadade, Slayer suspends scumheels and specters of sesquipedalian snollygosters. After all, what’s a muckbuck without a mountebank? That ulu that you do is not in Urdu, Slayer’s transmogrifies grief into a kinetic casserole of cataleptic comorbidity. Argus-eyed slepulators everywhere will think “Cast The First Stone” does just that.
Carried Kling has glormed that “Repentless” is Slayer’s defervesence. A trimuphlic journal into stupefactified nightmare radar. Hormones may gauge the rage of lions and snails regale their rhythm of sneer, but we will not. Leave the guns, take the cannolis. You’ll be Slinky you didn’t.
FDA Study Claims Shaolin and Wu-Tang Could Be “Dangerous”
Posted in General Weirdness on July 28, 2015
After nearly 20 years of research, millions of dollars and 47 solo albums, the FDA has determined the Shaolin and the Wu-Tang, if combined, could cause hundreds of unwanted side effects including carcinomas, melanomas, vanillaromas, mumps, measles, pneumonia, walking kidney disorder, small pox, beagle imitation syndrome, death and even acne.
However, the study vindicated many supporters who believe that the Shaolin and the Wu-Tang by themselves were not harmful. The danger, according to the 3636-page study, lies in the interaction between the two compounds.
The study notes that if a person comes into contact with the Shaolin and the Wu-Tang simultaneously, it is critical that the person receive medical attention immediately. While waiting for an ambulance, bystanders can aid the victim of the Shaolin and the Wu-Tang by soaking them thoroughly in oatmeal and feeding them Serbian earwax.
If the victim begins to show signs of dementia by, for example, claiming that Cappadonna’s verse on any song was the best one, it is critical that spectators leave the scene immediately. There have been rare cases of Wu-Tang Killa Zombie Virus reported by those who have experienced lengthy exposure to the Shaolin and the Wu-Tang. A Wu-Tang Killa Zombie is capable of transmitting the disease by gnawing on the neck of those who come in contact with it.
Therefore, it is critical that if you find yourself in this situation you protect ya neck.
While Wu-Tang treated products are less common, there are still hundreds of thousands of them left around from peak Wu-Tang in the mid-1990s. This includes Wu-Tang tee-shirts, thermoses, lunch boxes, artificial limbs, tortoises, bunions, thermite, scarves, talking dolls, comic books, canola oil, flatware, ham, poltergeists, bottled water, yeast, enriched uranium, salt, apple sauce and even washing machines. On their own these innocuous items are harmless, but were one to encounter them in the presence of The Shaolin, it could be….well…dangerous.
Trump Defends Action Bronson; Rips Ghostface Killah
Posted in Uncategorized on July 22, 2015
Presidential candidate Donald Trump might be a stranger to rap music, but he is no stranger to controversy. That’s why few were surprised that Trump has gotten himself involved in the heated feud between rap icon Ghostface Killah and Action Bronson.
At a speech sponsored by the Georgia branch of the John Birch Society, Trump leapt to the defense of Bronson. “One of the most important cultural figures in America today is Action Bronson. I’ll never forget when I first saw the movie ‘Death Wish’ back in the 1970s. I thought to myself, ‘There is a man that understands how the justice system in America should work!’”
Trump went on to praise Bronson’s war record. “Not only did he serve heroically under the brilliant military mind of Lee Marvin, he fought side-by-side with great Americans like Ernest Borgnine and George Kennedy during what many thought would be a suicide mission against Nazi forces in World War 2.”
He was inspired to get involved in this rap battle after seeing a Bronson’s picture on the news yesterday. “He looks awful. He’s gained weight. He looks like he hasn’t shaved or bathed in months. He could be selling pencils at the airport. The so-called ‘Ghostface Killah’ should not talk about a great American the way he has.”
Trump took umbrage with Ghostface’s Youtube rant against Bronson calling it “tasteless”.
“I watched your little Youtube program yesterday, Ghostface. Listened to you make shameful and tasteless remarks with the beautiful music of Teddy Pendergrass playing behind you. If Teddy were here today, Ghostface, he’d have stood up and knocked some sense into you.”
Trump even made veiled threats against the rapper to the delight of the crowd. “If I become President, I’ll have at my disposal thousands of people willing to do disappearing acts for me. How’s the CIA for starters, Ghostface?”
He finished by taunting the rapper to thunderous applause from the crowd. “I went to one of his shows once because someone told me Tony Stark was playing. When I saw it wasn’t Robert Downey Jr. flying around in a metal suit, blowing things up, I left.”
“People say he’s a New York rapper. I’m from New York. He’s from Staten Island. Do you know what we call Staten Island in New York, Ghostface? New Jersey!”
“Where’s your “Art of The Deal”, Ghostface? Where’s your casinos? Where’s your reality TV show? Where’s your plaque in the WWE Hall of Fame? “
Ghostface Killah has yet to comment on Trump’s scathing attack.