Author Archives: Keith Spillett

About Keith Spillett

I have a lot of strange debris rattling around my mind that I need to work out in a useful way.
May 14, 2012

Watching Ghost From The Masquerade Parking Lot

By Keith Spillett

A wise man once told me not to pay for what you can get for free.  He’s currently doing a stretch of 2 to 5 years at Rikers Island for passing bad checks, but his point was well taken.  After my ticket for Saturday night’s Ghost, Opeth, Mastodon show at The Masquearde in balmy Atlanta, Georgia fell through, I was faced with two possible futures.  One involved me jumping in my car, heading over to The Varsity and drowing my sorrows in 12 pimento cheese sandwiches and the other involved me standing out in the parking lot and craning my neck around some light poles to get a glimpse of Ghost, the current greatest band in the history of the universe.  The choice was obvious.

By the time I got to a spot that allowed me to view 1/12th of the stage, they had already launched into a rip-roaring version of their Mercyful Fate tinged masterpiece “Elizabeth”.  Apparently, I was not the only person leery of actually paying to see a concert.  There were two 15-year-olds staring over the fence with expressions of cold, awe-struck horror.   One of them had his “throwback” Bullet For My Valentine “Scream, Aim, Fire” shirt on and the other one looked like he was dressed for the eventual random onset of a golf match.  They clearly were in the wrong place:

Metal Kid #1:  Why is the singer of Mastodon wearing a Pope hat? 

 

Metal Kid #2:  I don’t think that’s Mastodon.  That’s probably Opeth.

 

Me:  No….that’s Ghost.  Ever heard of them?

 

Both Kids at Once:  No???? 

 

Me:  They are completely crazy.  Keep watching.  You’ll see some terrible things.

 

Metal Kid #2:  What do you mean?

 

Me:  Well, first of all, you know where he got that hat from?

 

Metal Kid #1”:  No.

 

Me:  He stole it from the real Pope.

 

Metal Kid #1:  No….No way!  Is that true?!?!

 

Me:  Oh yeah.  These guys are pure evil.  The drummer punched the Pope one time at an IKEA in Munich and the singer took the hat and ran.  They mugged the Pope for Godsakes! They were supposed to play America a year ago but they were banned from the United States.

 

Metal Kid #2:  Whoa!  What for?

 

Me:  They are into trafficking and selling animal organs.    The singer got caught trying to sneak 150 sheep livers into his suitcase when they went through customs.  It was a big international incident.  That and the whole thing with the walrus got them into a bunch of trouble….

 

Metal Kid #1:  (horrified) Walrus???  What happened with the walrus???

 

Me:  Jesus, doesn’t anyone read the newspaper anymore!!!!  They did a concert in Poland and at the end of the show they brought a walrus on stage and beat it to death with hammers.  They cut it up and gave pieces to everyone in the audience.  It was unbelievable.  They put birthday candles in each of the pieces!  People ate it completely raw and something like 46 people died of food poisoning.  Horrible!  That’s what got them on the FBI’s 12 Most Wanted List.

 

Metal Kid #2:  Oh my god!  Wow!  These guys are awesome! 

 

Metal Kid #1:  Do you think they’ll kill a walrus tonight?

 

Me:  God no!  They found religion and recently became Jehovah’s Witnesses.  They swore off all of that praising Satan and slaughtering animal stuff and now they go door to door preaching The Word.  The guitarist, the one dressed like a Jawa from Star Wars, he sold me a copy of Watchtower magazine last month.

 

Metal Kid #1:  Whoa!!!!  That’s amazing! 

 

I quickly tired of filling the minds of these kids with insidious poison and began to focus my attention onto the mellifluous tones of Ghost.  The solo from Ritual was casacading to its nearly perfect peak when I became aware of a terrible presence only inches from my right arm.  As the song ended, I turned and came face to face with The Hipster With the Glass Eye.

The fella was probably six foot three and 98 pounds soaking wet.  Imagine your average beardo coffee shop barista decked out in his best Piggly Wiggly tee-shirt and you’ve basically got a mental image of the dude I was looking at.  Except this person had a glass eye.  I couldn’t stop thinking about it.  Did he have some terrible accident Vespa racing?  Was this some kind of sadistic, post-ironic fashion statement?  Did he pull the original eye out in frustration when he couldn’t find a copy of the new Band of Horses album?  Do they sell glass eyes at Urban Outfitters now?  This rare specimen of humanity had my interest for a full two minutes worth of conversation.  Then, things got ugly.

Me:  Nobody knows who Ghost is.  They’ve only done two interviews.  Both of them were in caves.  The interviewers were blindfolded and driven hours away to a secure location.  They did the interviews wearing hoods!

 

Hipster With The Glass Eye:  So, no one knows who they are? 

 

Me:  No one!

 

Hipster With The Glass Eye:  (excitedly) Wow, so they are kinda like Banksy???  That’s awesome!

 

I looked away and shook my head in horror.  An uncomfortable, awkward silence fell over us both.  He stood there waiting for a response that would never come.  I decided that the night was officially over.  I walked to my car filled with hopelessness and despair.  At least the band was good.

8 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in Pointless Music Reviews

May 3, 2012

Georgia Bans Cute Pictures of Kittens From Facebook

By Keith Spillett

As of midnight on May 4th, Georgia will become the first state to formally ban cute pictures of kittens from the popular website Facebook.  The move comes in response to a deluge of pictures of kittens in sinks, kittens wearing Darth Vader masks and kittens doing activities typically done by human beings like water skiing or juggling.  In a poll of Georgia voters, kittens on the internet ranked third behind the economy and the threat of poor people receiving adequate medical care as issues that threatened the future of America.  Governor Nathan Deal said yesterday in a press conference that “kitten picture crime might well represent the greatest threat to an efficient and democratic society since baby ducks.”

According to a recent study, 2/3s of the traffic on Facebook is believed to be adorable pictures of kittens.  Republican Representative David Wayne from Hiram, Georgia was fed up and introduced legislation last year to ban these offensive images.  According to Wayne, kitten pictures cause people to become “distracted and less productive” around the office.  Wayne estimates that kitten related work slacking costs the state over 1 billion dollars in revenues on a weekly basis as people waste hours of time giggling and showing their friends all the funny things that tiny cats can do.

While these pictures seem harmless to many people, many critics, including syndicated conservative talk show host Mike Howe, have speculated that pictures of baby cats could be a way for Al-Queda to communicate with sleeper terrorist cells throughout the country.  “Some people think a kitten rolling around in a pile of string is hysterical,” said Howe during yesterday afternoon’s show, “they laugh and laugh and laugh.  Ha. Ha. Ha.  Meanwhile, instructions are being given to groups of terrorists to release biological weapons at Dairy Queens throughout America.  I’ve seen the face of fear folks…and it has whiskers.”

Other politicians had more practical concerns.  Representative Ronny Munroe from Valdosta, Georgia sees the current “kitten picture crisis” as an example of the erosion of American values.  “Kittens are soft and weak. If you expose one to the extreme heat of a microwave oven or throw one into a bear cage, it will die within seconds.  What happened to the rugged individual?  Our nation was founded by men who would stay outside in a blinding snowstorm for three weeks without food or shelter while bleeding profusely from their eyes and scalp.  They didn’t have pictures of kittens or government programs to keep them safe,” announced Munroe during his daily massage at the Eggmont Golf and Athletic Club.

The Kitten Crime and American Freedom Act is being hailed as a landmark piece of legislation that should help create jobs and imprison political deviants throughout the state.  Similar pieces of legislation are being considered around the country. The new law stipulates that a first time offender could be forced to serve 12 months in prison and pay a twenty five thousand dollar fine.  A second offense could lead to the criminal being forced to attend five regular season Atlanta Hawks games.  Whatever effect the law has, it has become clear that posting pictures of kittens on Facebook is no longer a laughing matter.

11 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in General Weirdness

April 30, 2012

Going To Prom With Former Candlemass Singer Messiah Marcolin

By Keith Spillett

For many high school girls, prom is the most fun and memorable night of their young lives.  Adele Jenkins, an 18-year-old senior at Curtis LeMay High School in Columbus, Ohio, had a particularly special prom this year.  Since Adele was a little girl, she’s been a die-hard fan of doom metal band Candlemass.  Each night before she went to bed, she’d say a little prayer that she’d have a chance to meet someone from the band just once in her life. However, in her wildest dreams, she could have never imagined that she’d spend her prom night hanging out with former Candlemass singer Messiah Marcolin.

Adele’s obsession with the band is legendary, even among the most hardcore of Candlemass fans.  She has worn one of their tour shirts to school everyday since the 6th grade.  She has traveled throughout America by Greyhound bus to see Candlemass play in 43 U.S. states.   Her collection of Candlemass memorabilia includes a life sized blow-up doll of bassist Leif Edling, an ashtray once used by guitarist Mats Bjorkman and the bone of a fried turkey leg consumed by former singer Johan Langqvist at the Minnesota State Fair back in 1997.

Although she had attempted to meet the band on many occasions, her plans had always been thwarted.  She was kicked out of several concert venues for trying to sneak backstage and onto their tour bus.  Even her most creative attempts ended in failure.  After reading the Aeneid in 10th grade English class, she created and hid inside a six-foot paper mache horse that was supposed to be delivered to the band.  However, by the time the horse was placed on the tour bus, the band had already left for the night, leaving her trapped inside until a roadie discovered her the next morning.

In order to show her love for the band, she often sent long, rambling love letters to the members, occasionally in her own blood.  She became particularly fixated on singer Messiah Marcolin.  When Marcolin left the band in 2007, she went on a 19-day hunger strike to try to convince Candlemass to bring him back.  She has sent letters to Marcolin twice a day since she was 9.  On his 40th birthday, as a sign of her devotion, she mailed him her brother Stephen’s artificial hand.

Adele’s fan letters had gone unanswered except for a brief visit from the FBI that she received back in 2009.  She decided that she’d need to use more drastic measures if she ever wanted to get Marcolin’s attention.  Adele hired three former Mossad agents to kidnap Marcolin’s favorite uncle Udo from his home in Uppsala.  The agents left a menacing note for Marcolin that read simply “Go to Adele’s prom with her or the Swede gets it in the head.”

Two weeks later, Marcolin was riding in a limo to Adele’s house getting ready for the big evening.  As he pinned the corsage to her, the smile on Adele’s face was radiant.  Her dream was really coming true.  Marcolin busted out some of his best moves on the dance floor that night, even leading the teens in a wild version of the Macarena.  Marcolin and Adele were named prom’s “Cutest Couple”.  Right before the last dance of the night, Marcolin got on stage and did an impromptu version of “At The Gallows End” that sent the crowd into fits of revelry.

Overall, prom was a smashing success.  Adele couldn’t have had a more perfect night.  Marcolin had a wonderfully festive evening hanging out till the wee hours of the morning.  Uncle Udo was released and expects to get full use of his legs back within the next six months.

Adele’s parents were particularly moved by the whole experience.  Her father Tom never really understood his daughter’s obsession with the band, but was overjoyed to see her persist and achieve a major goal.  “It just goes to show that with a little hard work, some perseverance and the threat of overwhelming physical violence, anything can be achieved,” said Tom with a tear in the corner of his eye.

2 comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in General Weirdness

April 26, 2012

Deicide’s Glen Benton Saves Baby From Burning Building; Throws It Back

By Keith Spillett

Deicide vocalist Glen Benton has gained a reputation over the years of being mean-spirited and callous.  There was the time shot a squirrel with a pellet gun during an interview, or the time where he interrupted Christmas service at a local Tampa church by jokingly crucifying a senior citizen, or the time he sold chemical weapons to former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.  However, as we all know, even in the darkest and cruelest of human hearts, there is a bright light that shines.  No better example of this exists than what took place in Clearwater, Florida on Wednesday night.

Benton was walking home from his weekly Bible study and burning at a local Denny’s when he noticed a fire had broken out in a single family home.   Benton witnessed a man and a woman out on the curb screaming about a small baby trapped in the burning hulk of a building.  Without a moments thought, Benton rushed into the house, climbed two flights of smoke filled stairs and burst through the door of the infants room.  The stairs had become impassible so Benton tucked the baby into his jacket and leaped out the window grabbing a tree with his free arm.  There he hung in agony for seven minutes waiting for the fire trucks to arrive.

At this point, a small crowd of neighbors had gathered round.  As the firemen helped Benton down from the tree they began to applaud his amazing feat of bravery.  When he reached the ground and ran to the street, the group surrounded Benton and began thank him as tears of joy streamed down their faces.

In all the excitement and commotion, he threw the baby as far as he could.  It landed with a horrible thud in the smoldering wreck of a house.  The crowd was so stunned by Benton’s selfless actions, they ignored the burning child and lifted them onto their shoulders, carrying him up and down the street while singing the chorus from “Dead By Dawn”.

This isn’t the first time Benton has done something truly beautiful in service of his fellow human.  Back in 1998, Glen donated his earlobes and nose to a seven-year-old child who needed them to survive.  In 2003, he began a shelter for injured llamas and three-legged-pigs, which he runs out of the basement of his house to this day.  He spends his weekends helping to nurse sick baby woodchucks back to health at the local Tampa Zoo.

Glen’s work with one particular charity is particularly impressive. He donated most of the profits of the Deicide album “The Stench of Redemption” to Brands For Babies, a non-profit organization that helps small children get inverted crosses burned into their foreheads.  Benton is the national spokesman for the organization and has helped over 50,000 infants get the mark of Satan on their heads since 2006.

Of course, he will be remembered for creating some of the most punishing and horrifying music ever to be recorded, but there is a softer, more loving side to Glen Benton that few people see.  If you look past his menacing Manson-like countenance, his frightening behavior and his cold, dead eyes, you’re likely to see a man with a heart of gold.

13 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in General Weirdness

April 24, 2012

New Sunn O))) Album To Feature Gurgling Stomach Noises, Garage Doors Opening and Closing

By Keith Spillett

Ambient, drone, doom, experimental, black, minimalist, noise, power ambient, musique concrete, trancecore, avant-garde, post metal band Sunn O))) is back in the studio working on a new genre defining record that may be in stores as early as July.  The record, which will be called “The Crucifixion of Plants”, will be released as a triple vinyl LP that can only be played on Teflon coated record players that were made in Myanmar between the years 1986 and 1989.

In spite of a massive amount of pre-order requests, the band has insisted that there will only be 12 copies printed.  Ten of the copies will be hidden in random Chili’s restaurant kitchens throughout North America.  One special copy of the album will be buried in the chest cavity of a cadaver at a morgue somewhere in Northern Kansas.  The final copy will be cryogenically frozen until the year 2052, when it will be launched into outer space inside the corpse of a humpback whale.  Many fans of the band believe this could be their most accessible record.

Band members Stephen O’Malley and Greg Anderson have not given many details about the album, but the ones that have been released sound very promising.  The first track called “Trgh5ueh7slyVuhQ(){“ will be a recording of a man eating and digesting a pound of fire ants.   Track number 2, the magnificently named “Fierce Glruh99rf”, will feature 12 chainsaws being thrown off of the Eiffel Tower mixed with hundreds of garage doors opening and closing underwater.

Some of the other album highlights include a 12-minute recording of a turkey pot pie being heated up in a microwave, a song where 500 kindergarteners try to tune guitars while wearing fake 3 foot long FloJo press on nails on each finger and a twelve second long cover of Jethro Tull’s “Thick As A Brick” played by a chimpanzee hitting a tin can against a wall.

Despite the fact that no one outside of the band has heard the record, Spin Magazine critic Andy Lafontaine has already called it “The Best Metal Album of 2012”.   “You don’t need to listen to a Sunn O))) album to understand its significance,” wrote Lafontaine in his recent review of the record, “All you need to know is that this is the sort of thing that you can have on your shelf and get mad respect from people at parties who think it makes you look edgy and misunderstood.”

(Editors Note:  I really dig Sunn O))), but if I have to read another hipster reviewer write about how one of their albums is more significant than the Russian Revolution while ignoring 99 percent of metal music in their publication I think I’m going to stick a fork in my eye)

9 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , | posted in Articles I Probably Shouldn't Have Bothered Writing

April 23, 2012

North Korean Leader Regrets Decision To Let Metallica Producer Bob Rock Launch Rocket Into Space

By Keith Spillett

 

Former Metallica producer Bob Rock just can’t seem to stay away from trouble.  Since being credited as the producer of Metallica’s St. Anger, an album which many experts believe sounds slightly worse than the noises made by a kitten being thrown into a blender, Rock has been involved in several high profile failures.  The worst of these disasters came last week when the Kwangmyŏngsŏng-3, a rocket built by Rock and his team of scientists, exploded and crashed into the Yellow Sea near Gunsan, South Korea.

Rock, who has no formal training as a scientist or a satellite technician, impressed North Korean leader Kim Jong Un with his work on Motley Crue’s Billboard #1 album Dr. Feelgood along with five progressively less interesting Metallica albums.  Un was amazed by Rock’s ability to take a talented band and suck the life and joy out of their work, reducing them to a tattered shell of their former selves.  He initially hired Rock in 2009 to produce a record by his thrash band Gulag Face.  Gulag Face’s debut record “Setting Baby Ducks On Fire With Mayonnaise” sold over 15 copies and became the top selling album in North Korean history.

Rock’s work with Gulag Face so impressed Un so that when he became the country’s leader in 2011, he was hired to run North Korea’s entire missile program.  Rock immediately set out to reduce the intelligence of his team of North Korean scientists by forcing them to listen to Loverboy’s seminal 1981 record “Get Lucky” twice a day for four months.  From exposure to this album, the average IQ score of these scientists dropped from 134 to 78.

Rock also tried to focus the scientists on creating a more commercial, “radio-friendly” rocket, whose technology could be understood by anyone.  This led to his fateful decision to hold the missile together with rubber bands and Elmer’s glue.

Un claims that Rock’s “shenanigans” have left a permanent scar on North Korea’s image.  He has distanced himself from Rock, who will no longer be able to eat for free at North Korea’s only Sizzler restaurant as punishment for his failure.  In order to repair the nation’s embarrassing reputation, Un has hired Rick Rubin to take control of the program and get it back on its feet again.

Rock has had a difficult stretch since he left the Metallica camp.  Before he helmed the North Korean program, Rock was hired to produce and direct Will Ferrell’s “Land of The Lost” film, which lost a near record 100 million dollars at the box office.  In 2010, Rock served as the Boston Red Sox pitching coach and was cited as a major reason the team collapsed in one of the most horrendous Septembers in baseball history.  He was fired immediately after the season.

9 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , | posted in Articles I Probably Shouldn't Have Bothered Writing

April 19, 2012

Satan Suspended Indefinitely For “Soul Bounties”; Cronos Named Interim Devil

By Keith Spillett

On Wednesday, God suspended Satan indefinitely from his role as Devil for promising demons as much as 10,000 dollars for each soul they lured into temptation.  Satan’s two head assistants, a gargoyle named Thoth and former American President Ronald Reagan, received slightly lighter suspensions of up to 5000 years, but may be reinstated earlier if they successfully complete anger management classes.

While it was well within Satan’s purview to try to encourage poor behavior on the part of human beings, offering cash incentives for their souls was going a step to far.  Yesterday, the Lord released a statement highlighting examples of the many violations and stating that this sort of “encouragement towards lawlessness and immorality is outside of the bounds of what we call fair play.”

When confronted with this statement, Satan didn’t hesitate to fire back.  “Wait, so I’m getting scolded about morality by the guy was responsible for the extinction of nearly the entire populations of Sodom and Gomorrah.  This is the same God who, on a bet, let me destroy the life of one of his most committed servants, Job. You’ll excuse me; I have to go throw up,” sneered Satan as he spat upon the ground.

In Satan’s absence, Venom frontman Cronos has been named Interim Dark Lord until Satan’s reinstatement. Cronos is a veteran of the dark arts having served in Satan’s Army since 1981.  Cronos even had brief experience running Hell back in 1986 when Satan broke five of his legs in a terrible water skiing accident.

Cronos has many exciting new plans he has considered for Hell including an open mic night, the addition of all-you-can sin brothels and building a stadium in an attempt to lure the Buffalo Bills to Hell, giving the Underworld it’s first pro sports team since the 1976 Oakland Raiders.

Experts believe that Cronos is a good fit for the position and could bring untold glory to Hell.  However, many fans were disappointed when their first choice, former Giants and Jets coach Bill Parcells, turned the job down.  While Parcells was a flashier name, those around the game respect Cronos for his undying commitment to poisoning the human race with heavy metal and believe that he will be the perfect choice to get Hell back on track.

5 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in General Weirdness

April 18, 2012

1309 Words With Richard Vaughn and Conor Riley From Astra

By Keith Spillett

Every once and a while, a truly mesmerizing record comes along, drags you out of the murky depths of an afternoon and elevates your spirit to heights you forgot it could reach.  The power and scope of Astra’s new record “The Black Chord” is capable of providing the listener with just such an experience.  The first journey through the album connects you to a serene place within your mind where all the limitations and barriers provided by the physical world cease to be relevant.  Towering, primordial rhythms hypnotize the listener into a profound stupor.  It’s more than a 70’s styled progressive rock album; it’s the musical equivalent of Satori.

Hearing such an exquisite piece of music made me extremely curious as to the creative minds that brought it into being.  Richard Vaughn and Conor Riley were kind enough to give Tyranny some insight into their creative process last week.  They both contribute vocals on the recent album, as well using enough obscure musical equipment to keep Robert Fripp entertained for the better part of a century.  Here’s a look inside their heads….

Tyranny: What does the name Astra mean to you?

Conor:  It was named after an album written by a South African band named Freedom’s Children.  It’s a cosmic/spacey epic that we felt described our music.

Richard: Yes, our name was originally inspired by the South African band Freedom’s Children. Their second album from 1970 entitled Astra has long been a favorite of ours. Also, the phrase “Ad Astra” is a Latin phrase meaning “to the stars” and seeing that we all find some inspiration in astronomy, science-fiction and cosmic music of all sorts, we found Astra to be a perfect fit.

Tyranny:  What is the experience of playing music like for you?

Conor: It combines many different elements. When playing with the right musicians in the right frame of mind it can be transcendent, cerebral, emotional and spiritual.

Richard:  For me, playing music is very rewarding on many different levels. When a song finally comes together or a new part or riff is suddenly discovered during a jam, I always a feel this great sense of accomplishment and excitement. Playing music has also been very therapeutic for me. Like many people, I’ve gone through difficult times in my life and I’ve had to deal with some dark and heavy issues. Being able to get away and play, to escape within the music, really helped me to heal. Sometimes when we play as a group, during long, instrumental jams, I find myself in an almost trance-like, meditative state where I can just drift off.

Tyranny:  What is the point of creating art?

Conor: I’m not sure that there is a point.  I’m not sure that there’s a point to anything really.  I think as humans, art is way to try to make sense of our existence and individuality.  I don’t think it’s working; it seems to be pulling us in the contrary direction.

Richard: I would think that the reason for creating art would be to get that particular voice, sound or vision out of one’s head and into the physical world, to express one’s self and to be able to see or hear their vision fully realized. For me, sometimes a melody or an idea will pop into my head or I could be listening to music and I’ll get a sudden urge of inspiration from what I’m hearing and I’ll need to stop what I’m doing, pick up my guitar and see where it goes. The thing is, the actual reason for creating art could be unique for everyone.

Tyranny:  What limitations do you face in putting forth your full creative vision?

Conor: We are only limited by the biases of each other.  As a whole we don’t hold anything back.  Within the band we all have different views and musical tastes which doesn’t allow us to stray too far.

Richard: A great thing about our label Rise Above Records is that they allow us full creative control of our music and they have never set any limitations on what we can do. Like Conor said, the only real limitations we have are the mutual criticisms, tastes and visions each of us has for our music within the band. We work together for the good of the music and sometimes that means shooting down an idea or reigning in a particular direction. We’re very honest with each other.

Tyranny:  What influences, be they musical, literary, or of any other medium, have helped you find your creative voice?

Conor: Musically, I am most influenced by bands like Aphrodite’s Child, Freedom’s Children, Genesis and Comus.

Richard: There are just too many to name! Musically, Aphrodite’s Child with their double LP 666 is still right up there towards the top of my list and has been for a long time. Everyone in the band has a special place in their heart for that album. There’s also Genesis, King Crimson, Yes, Mahavishnu Orchestra, Magma as well as a long list of early 70’s Italian prog bands, Krautrock, electronic music and even a lot of late 60’s psych rock and folk. I seriously could go on and on. What’s great is that, while we all love most of the same music, we each tend to gravitate towards our own specific favorites. The variety of all of these influences is very beneficial to our songwriting and sound.

A book I read recently was a direct influence on the last song of our album. This sci-fi novel was published in 1969 and was written by Brian Aldiss. Entitled “Barefoot in the Head” it’s a futuristic, post apocalyptic tale of a world wide “acid head war” waged with PCA(Psycho-Chemical Aerosol) bombs. The aftermath left most of the world permanently dosed on LSD. As the main character is increasingly exposed to the drug, the narration and dialog become more and more fractured by mutating words, puns and phrases. I borrowed this writing style for the lyrics and used the influence of the book as a kind of metaphor for feeling as if you’re losing your mind. I was feeling this way around the time I was writing that song. This is good example of how music can be therapeutic for me.

Tyranny:  Salvador Dali once said, “Confusion is the best form of communication”.  What are your thoughts on this quote?

Conor: Maybe he was trying to say that by being confused it forces you to think critically to grasp for a deeper understanding.  Perhaps sometimes that is the best way to convey a point.

Richard: To me organization seems to be too simple, too linear or one dimensional and may only carry a single message. Chaos and confusion can be much more memorable by requiring a deeper thought process allowing for people to draw their own conclusions or to gather their own thoughts and meanings.

Tyranny:  What do you believe would be the highest complement you could possibly receive?

Conor: Plagiarism and illegal downloads.

Richard: Knowing that our music directly inspired or influenced someone in one way or another to do something creative or important. To do something positive. That would be a great complement.

Tyranny:  If you could be trapped inside one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Richard: That would be a living hell! Trapped inside one, single song for the rest of my life, over and over again?  I think that would be enough to drive a person mad. Don’t get me wrong, of course I absolutely love music but I do need to take a break from time to time. Once in a while I won’t even listen to any music for up to a week or more. A break like that can be very refreshing and it makes me appreciate music that much more when I come back to it.

1 comment   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in People I Find Fascinating, Uncategorized

April 17, 2012

BlaK Dan Reviews Ketchup

By Keith Spillett

My brother-in-law, BlaK Dan, is at it again.  If you’ve been following his saga here at Tyranny, you already know that he lost all his money investing in Amway products and is sleeping on my couch until he “gets on his feet again”.  He was living in a cave until a park ranger kicked him and his pet ferret out and now we are stuck with him.  He does nothing but parade around our house wearing a Burzum tee-shirt and eating cornflakes out of a Qwik Rabbit mug he’s had since he was 8.  

The man has no dreams, no goals other than one day managing a metal message board and playing one note black metal songs “whilst alone in a forest”.  In order to keep him busy, my wife has asked me to let him write an occasional metal album review for the blog.   Here’s where it gets tricky…he’s now refusing to listen to any metal.  He’s decided that he will only write reviews of inanimate objects, because metal music is “unworthy of his talents”.  So…here’s another in the endless, intolerable and ever-changing series now known as “BlaK Dan Reviews Ordinary Household Items”.

 

BlaK Dan Coming Upstairs After A Late Night Cornflake Binge

People who put ketchup on food are idiots.  They have no idea of what food in its purest form tastes like.  They are animals.  They do not have the right to exist.  When I am at a diner and a see one of these “people” consuming food with ketchup on it, I know they are sub-humans unworthy of the oxygen that Odin and I provide them with.

This blood-colored ooze spews out of disgustingly shaped bottles and pollutes our food with its hideous sweetness.  If you are ever curious as to which amongst you are inferior, here’s a simple test.  If they have defiled a perfectly good and pure  lump of meat with this syrup of sickness, then you can rest assured that they are degenerate parasites who are wasting the flesh, bone and will that they were born with.

If you use ketchup, it is because you are weak.  I refuse to tolerate your weakness.  If I had my way, they’d bring back the guillotine and behead each and every one of you cowards.  You violate all that is decent in our world then have the temerity to call me intolerant or unclean or in violation of local health code standards or someone who can’t live within 500 yards of an elementary school.  It is you that are a pox upon our world, Ketchup-eater.  And it is you that should pay the ultimate price for your life of decadence.

You befoul our forests and streams with your civilized blandishments and then wonder why your world is repulsive and depraved.  The essence of life is being destroyed by an endless flow of ketchup.  Ketchup in the mountains.  Ketchup in the valleys.  Ketchup in our seas.  Ketchup in our forests. Ketchup in our oceans.  Ketchup everywhere you look.  Ketchup in the name of progress.   You have contaminated the world and destroyed all that is sacred.

You think you are so clever.  You eat your ketchup and you laugh and laugh and laugh.  Ha, Ha, Ha….look at civilized me with my ketchup and my Italian leather shoes.  Aren’t I something else?    Look at my fancy ketchup eating wife and my two well-dressed ketchup-eating children.  Aren’t I unique?

You think because you eat ketchup you have the right to judge me.  I am above your judgments.  You are slime.  Like Zarathustra, I am surrounded by fools and idiots spewing a ridiculous ketchup-soaked morality that is meaningless.  MEANINGLESS!   I hear your snickers, I see your scorn, but it is you that are vile and you that are impure.  If you hadn’t allowed ketchup to taint your world, you would know me and understand that you are unworthy to be in my presence.  Instead, I am stuck here in moron hell watching you wallow in ketchup and despising every minute of it.  I hate all of you.

FILTH!!!!!!

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April 16, 2012

1504 Words With Gogog Bloodthroat From A Band Of Orcs

By Keith Spillett

A few weeks back, I sent an email to A Band of Orcs, a death metal band of beasts who traveled to Earth from another realm.  I was hoping to get an exclusive interview, but when I received no reply, I went about my life and forgot about it.  Suddenly, on Saturday morning at 5 AM, I was awakened by a terrible howling noise followed by a frightening crash.

Gogog Bloodthroat, the singer from A Band Of Orcs, had broken down my front door and was climbing my stairs with a giant knife between his teeth.  I tried desperately to run away, but Gogog grabbed me and pinned me against the wall.  He was raving about a magic album they were recording that was coming out in June or July that was going to destroy all human eardrums.  According to Gogog, the cover art was going to be done by a brilliant slave named Chuck Lukacs.  I was able to ask him some questions before I blacked out from the beating I received.

 

Gogog:  I was out in the stalls abusing the warhorses abusing calling them humans when you sent email.  If you want to abuse something in your life or your realm, I found calling them human seals the deal.  They are ready to throw some metal your way.  Yes.  YESSSSSS!!!!!

Tyranny:  So let me ask you, I’ve never been an Orc before and I’m really curious….  What is a typical day in the life of an Orc like?

Gogog:  Gogog never wake up too early.  He make grunts do most work in mornings.  But when Gogog wake up he smell, take deep breath, smell death, destruction and fire.  That is Gogog’s breakfast.  Wake up in morning, go out, abuse warhorses.  Then, we go out, dominate, play heavy metal for all the pathetic humans that are out there in your realm.  They are sooooooo….pathetic…..I love that word.  Patheeeetic.  I use that word from the Waterdog….he tell me “pathetic”.   He tell me “your thought patterns are pathetic”.  I love it!  Everything pathetic!

 Tyranny:  You have an excellent vocabulary for a flesh-eating beast….

 Gogog:  Pathetic!!!  Ahmmmmmmmmm….(incoherent growling)

 Tyranny:  If they had a monster SAT that could end up on it.  Great word. 

Gogog:   It helps having a Shaman who teaches you vocabulary so you can speak to the stinky flesh piles such as yourself.

Tyranny:  Well, thank you! 

Gogog:  It is a complement!!!!  (more incoherent growling followed by horrifying laughter)

Tyranny:  What possesses an Orc to start playing music?  It doesn’t seem like a natural thing for you to do.  Why did you start a heavy metal band? 

Gogog:  Well………SLAYER!!!!!  REIGN IN BLOOD!!!!!  We hear as Orcs, need to know, what is this magic?  We hear this we feel like destroying.  Jed!  The one human that lives.  That is all I must say.

Tyranny:  Okay.

Gogog:  He teach us this magic you call metal.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.  We must play constantly.  Metal hurt.  Metal don’t hurt, humans hurt.  You scratch our back, we destroy yours.

 Tyranny:  Is it hard to play instruments with Orcfingers?

Gogog:  Not at all.  Orcs play everything with their fingers.  You should hear the noise when we pick our ears.  We have very thick ear hair to keep elves and berries out of our ears.  Nobody hears the music that comes out of our ears when we pick them.  Just Orc.  It’s almost as beautiful as heavy metal!  Everyday we learn more.  We learn more.  Hail Gzoroth!

(My 3 year-old daughter walked into the room at this point totally oblivious to the giant Orc holding me by the throat against the wall.)

My daughter:  (excitedly) Daddy, my rash is better.

Tyranny:  That’s great, sweetie.  I’m talking to an Orc right now.  Why don’t you go downstairs?

Gogog:  Does the little princess want to ask a question?

Tyranny:  No…No….She’s fine. (Thankfully, she left at this point and didn’t become Orcfood)  Now, I keep hearing you talk about The Maelstrom.  What is…(overly dramatic pause)….The Maelstrom?

Gogog:  Maelstrom!  Vortex of a lot of power magic.  Destruction.  Destroys everything around it.  Bottom line…it brings the tribe.

Tyranny:  I heard a story from your manager, Mr. Grimp….

Gogog:  (laughing hysterically)  YEEEEEEEEES!  Mr. Grimp!!!!  YEEEEESSSSSS!  Know your place!  YEEEEESSSSSSS!!!

Tyranny:  How did you arrive on earth?

Gogog:  That’s where humans get confused.  We are not aliens.  We not come from a different planet, we came from different realm.  We come through Vortex, Maelstrom, that is the difference.  We are not Martians!  HeheahaaaaaaaaHeahahhahahahahahhahahahhaha………Martians!  That is really funny.  We come from a different REALM!  REALM!!  REALM!!!!!!

Tyranny:    You came here through the Vortex???

Gogog:  Kids playing Dungeons and Dragons, of course.  Rolling dice.  Gruesom Grimp is big jokester.  He bring us through.  (unintelligible shouting)  He bring us through Vortex.  Bring Orcs to Santa Cruz, California.  Not knowing what’s going on.  We destroyed everybody right there.  Then, we hear magic in the tower above.  We run upstairs and we hear SLAYER….REIGN IN BLOOD!!!  Most amazing magic.  Vortex.  Maelstrom.  I can’t say more.

Tyranny:  That’s a beautiful story….

Gogog:  People travel to Santa Cruz mountains now not only to find Bigfoot, now to find Orc.  People everywhere we see!  When Orc Tower appear, Bigfoot scared!  We see Groongrich all the time.  Humans say “See the Groongrich!”  We the Groongrich!

Tyranny:  Goongrich?!?!

Gogog:  Groongrich!!!!  GROONGRICH!!!!  It’s something big in distance that oogs.  You know your life is in danger, but yet you not know what it is.  GROONGRICH!!!!

Tyranny:  Groongridge???  Groongrich???

Gogog:  (becoming hostile) GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOONGRICH!!!!!!!!!  Must I spell?!?!?

Tyranny:  I got it!   As you may know, There is a lot of anti-Orc propaganda out there.  What could you say to help convince the readers that Orcs are actually charming, lovable and benevolent creatures?

Gogog:  Anti-Orc Propaganda!!!!!!!!

Tyranny:  Yeah, people say they eat human flesh, they smell, they don’t clean up after themselves and are pretty anti-social.

Gogog:  Yes….yes….all of the above.  Humans are very good at destroying what they don’t understand.  That’s why Orc still here.  Humans understand Orc.  We smelly, we mean, we don’t have love for anything on the planet.  That’s us!

 

Tyranny:  Let’s talk about your eating of human flesh.  Now, you do eat human flesh, correct?

Gogog:  NO!!!!!  Gogog wear human flesh.  Human taste like….meh…..it stink.  Almost like Orc, but worse.   We have human over.  Eat brain.  Leave drums for Oog.   Oog make cymbals out of all kinds of human stuff.  Then, we take the flesh and we wear it, we put it on.  We wear it at war.  I only wear the ugliest humans.  The fur you see on Gogog is not animal fur, but hairy human.

Tyranny:  You are kind to animals???

Gogog:  NO!!!!! Not at all!  We hope they take over your realm and destroy you guys.  That’s why we call them all human.  Like taking a Groongrich, sticking it with stink and calling it dumb and human.  They take over EARTH!!!  EARTH!!!!  EARTH!!  Hahahahahahahhahahahaaaaaa….

Tyranny:  What have been some of your most successful human hunting strategies?

Gogog:  To take a human down!?!?!?  We play metal.  You not see this on your Youtube, your Twitterface. You see human scum.  We take the camera, post it on Youtube, DRUMS, CYMBALS, so on and so on.

Tyranny:  You have some pretty imposing tusks.  Are there Orc dentists who help you maintain proper dental hygiene?  How often do Orcs need to brush and floss?

Gogog:  Hairy humans!  We bite into hairy humans with tusks, clean tusks, we ready to go.  We show everything, we no hide.  You see everything.  Humans in your realm hide everything.  We show you everything.  Therefore, you think we lie.  We no lie, we tell you the truth.

Tyranny:  That was actually pretty deep. 

Gogog:  YES!  You struggle with your words, Gogog speak truth now.   Pick up jaw off ground.

Tyranny:  A lot of my readers are interested to know what they can do to be spared when the Orcpocalypse comes.  What’s your advice for them?

Gogog:  Hail Gzoroth!!!!  Buy our merch.  Buy tee-shirt.  Make armor out of it.

Tyranny:  So, if they buy your merch or the new album that your working on, will they be spared.

Gogog:  Most definitely.  You buy CD, new album, tee-shirt, you spared.  We see bumper sticker on car.  Leave spared!  We see!  We travel in cage on back of tour bus.  We see through holes for air.  We see bumper sticker say “Band of Orcs”.  They are the chosen ones, because they choose.  You see!  You choose, you get!  Nothing for free.  Well, sometimes.  Gronk! Throw stuff out in crowd for free.   We argue, but Gronk! always right.  We think he magic.  Like what you humans call Jedi Mind Trick.

At that point, the pain of being hit repeatedly in the skull with an elephant femur became too much to bear and I passed out.  I awoke in a bed at Grady Hospital in downtown Atlanta a day later with multiple concussions and a missing ear.  Hopefully, Gogog will be pleased with this interview and will leave me alone.  Hail Gzoroth!

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