Posts Tagged Burger King
Metamorphosis on Main Street: A Psychological Review of Graveyard’s “Hisingen Blues”
Posted by Keith Spillett in General Weirdness, Pointless Music Reviews, Pointyheaded Highbrow Stuff, The Poetry of Death on May 5, 2011
I started off trying to review Graveyard’s new album Hisingen Blues. Things were going really well. I had a neat little intro where I talked about their 70’s retro sound and compared them to a few bands. There was a cool section where I discussed the driving intensity of their sound and compared them to a freight train. It was going really well. All that is gone now. All that is left is chaos, despair and panic. I’m sitting in my car in the parking lot of a Burger King fast food. It’s 4:47 in the morning. How did I get here?
I was writing the review at the kitchen table. My wife and kids were playing in the other room. In the distance, I heard the vaguely menacing sounds of Dora The Explorer. My ears were much more attuned to magniloquent sounds of the song Hisingen Blues by Graveyard. I’d listened to the album a few times, but kept coming back to the title track. “WHERE IS THE FUTURE?!?!?!?!”
I was grooving to the song. I closed my eyes. The next thing I knew my wife was screaming. “WHAT ARE YOU!?!!?!??!?!? GET OUT OF HERE!!?!?!?!”
I tried to say “Honey, it’s just me. Why are you screaming?” But it came out “Kjqgjgnqrwlkgnjwqrngljnwrjlgnlg?”. I sounded like the creature in the Predator movies when it tried to talk. What was happening?
My wife picked up a broom and started hitting me. “Stop it!” (“Njndgjlqwrnlgkn!”) The sounds that came out of me only made her more frightened. I ran upstairs. Suddenly, I started thinking about our cat. I have to eat the cat. I have to eat the cat. I sprinted around the bedroom looking for the cat. I thought of how good the cat would taste. I have to eat the cat. “WHERE IS THE FUTURE!?” echoed in my minds ear. I need to eat the cat. It would be so delicious. I have to eat the cat. I looked under the bed, I looked in the shower. I looked in the closet on my wife’s red sweater where it likes to sleep. All at once it occurred to me that we don’t have a cat.
I looked into the mirror. What looked back at me was horrifying. Green neck, green skin, pointy nose, scales. I was…..a lizard!!!!!!! Dear God….A LIZARD!!!!!! I ran downstairs to try to explain it to my wife. She had both of the kids in her arms and she was screaming into her cell phone. “SDGASFHAFSHERJJET!” I pleaded.
“Get away you…..BEAST! What have you done with my husband????”
My children’s eyes were filled with confusion. I was not daddy anymore. I was some “thing” that they could not possibly understand. Some “thing” they conjured up in a nightmare, but not daddy. “WHERE IS THE FUTURE!?!!?!!” My wife’s eyes gleamed with hate and fear. I was a stranger to them.
I grabbed my keys and ran out of the front door towards my car. Our neighbor was blissfully jogging up the street with her headphones on. At first, she did not notice me. All at once her face grew pale. She turned and sprinted away from me. I leaped in my car. Could I even drive? Could I get the key in the ignition? My lizard fingers clumsily pushed the key in and I was off to somewhere. But where?
Most of the last nine hours has been about staying alive. I have cat scratch marks all over me that I cannot explain. I feel the empty exhaustion of a sleepless night. I don’t remember much of what has happened, but I am here. Soon, the sun will rise. I have to stay safe. There is no room for my kind on the street. Not among the animals. Not in the daylight.
And what of my condition? How did I end up here? Something in the song brought me to this place. I have become the poetry of doom and horror. Something in the song turned me into this creature. Something inside of me, both wretched and righteous, has escaped and become my form. “WHERE IS THE FUTURE?!?!?!” I am no longer what you would call human. I wear alienation as my skin. As the moments recede backwards into the night my fate stands before me. I am lost.
I Lost 30 Pounds in 30 Days…Without Amputation!!!
Posted by Keith Spillett in Health Tips for An Early Death on January 30, 2011
Picture of a James Sullivan BEFORE he started the Nine and FINE Diet
Picture of James Sullivan JUST 30 DAYS AFTER starting the Nine and FINE Diet!!!!!!!!
Hello!!!!!!! Today, I am here to talk to you about a diet that changed my life. For years, I have struggled with my weight. I have tried every diet on the market, but after a few days I am unable to keep to the diet because I am hungry all the time. The most recent studies have said that eating 5 small meals a day will result in significant loss of pounds. I heard this and thought it was impossible but it seems to be very effective. Unfortunately, I have been unable to make this system work quickly enough and I still find myself hungry at night. It seemed like there was no hope for me, and then I found out about the Nine and FINE Diet. Are you sitting down? I am about to tell you something that may sound too good to be true, but rest assured, this diet is one hundred and twelve percent effective for everyone. According to scientists*, eating NINE large meals a day will help you lose significant amounts of weight overnight.
What?!?! Eat nine large meals and lose weight! How could it be true? Well, according to scientists, the human body has some pretty amazing properties. There is a certain point that the body hits where it is so overwhelmed by fat, carbohydrates and proteins that it begins to secrete a substance recently discovered by scientists called Jimbobwe. Jimbobwe is a substance that eats fat. If you have ever had a night where you ate to the point of near sickness and woke up a pound or two lighter it is because you tripped your Jimbobwe receptors. If you think about it, the human body is kind of like the card game hearts. In hearts, if you have the best cards you get a lot of points. But, if you have the worst possible hand, you get even more points. The body works in the same way. Impossible, you say!?!?! Scientists have proven it!!! Ever see a 98 year old who ate badly all of her life and is still in great health? How, you ask?!?! Jimbobwe!!!!
Let me give you a personal example. I started the Nine and FINE Diet on a Monday morning. For breakfast, I had a full plate of eggs, bacon, pancakes, French toast and grits. At about 9 o’clock, I ate a large ham sandwich, two plates full of mashed potatoes, and macaroni and cheese. At 10:30, I ate three large hamburger patties wedged between two grilled cheese sandwiches, fries and 6 cokes. At noon, I ate a rack of ribs, twelve dinner roles covered in butter, a side of lobster bisque soup and a plate of fried plantains. At 1:30, I ate half of a medium cooked turkey, a large vanilla milkshake, two plates of collard greens, a hot fudge sundae and 4 peanut butter sandwiches. At 4, I ate a large porterhouse steak, a baked potato covered in sour cream, a plate of braised pig’s knuckles, 4 slices of pizza dipped in bleu cheese and 4 cans of A and W root beer. At 6, I ate another steak, fried onions, a Cinnabon, an entire bag of cool ranch Doritos, a Meximelt from Taco Bell, and a large vat of cookie dough ice cream. At 6:45, I ate six fried Snicker Bars, a Whopper from Burger King and fries from Checkers. Then, as I was getting ready for bed at 8 o’clock, I ate a bag of caramel corn, 4 turkey legs, cotton candy, a dish of funnel cake covered in ice cream, 7 pieces of chicken fried in Crisco, another Cinnabon, nine bagels covered in cream cheese, a Big Mac and 3 more milkshakes. In total, I consumed close to 40,000 calories that day. I also lost 5 pounds. After 30 days of the diet, I had lost 56 pounds**.
Maybe I’m just lucky, you say. Well, then how do you explain Marvin Altcheck? Marvin followed the Nine and FINE for thirty days and lost 37 pounds***. Or Jane Smith? Jane lost 67 pounds in 30 days on the Nine and FINE Diet****. What about Julia Marshall? Julia began the diet at 883 pounds. After thirty days on the diet, she was 938 pounds. Now that’s progress!!!
Picture of Kate Johnson BEFORE the Nine and FINE Diet
Here's Kate Johnson AFTER JUST 2 MONTHS of the Nine and FINE Diet
I often hear people say things about Americans eating too much. Maybe, these so-called “doctors” and “dieticians” are wrong. Maybe the problem is we don’t eat enough!!!!!!!
Let’s say you have the problem that many overweight, patriotic Americans have. You simply don’t like to eat. Well, for just 19.99 I can offer you a thirty-day supply of Jimbobwe supplements. Or, eat nine large meals a day AND take the supplements. Hey…every little bit helps…Right?!?!?!? Simply send your credit card/bank account information the address given below in the Cayman Islands and expect your supplements in the mail any day. If you send your information in the next 12 hours, I will include a book called “The Mysteries of Jimbobwe”, a 98-page book with pictures of some of our success stories along with 47 brand new Crisco based recipes for weight loss.
So, if anyone asks you what you weigh…go ahead and finish that ice cream sundae, that box of Oreos and that stick of butter, look them in the eyes and tell them “I’m Nine and FINE” and let the results speak for themselves.
* When using the term scientists, I am referring to several friends of mine who have taken at least 3 college level science classes.
** Results of the diet are not typical. Many people lose only thirty pounds in a month while other gain large amounts of weight.
***Marvin credits the Nine and FINE Diet (coupled with liposuction surgery) with his dramatic weight loss
****Jane died from congestive heart failure on the seventh day of the diet, but for the sake of the study, scientists continued to track her progress after her death
The Tyranny of Tradition 