I Lost 30 Pounds in 30 Days…Without Amputation!!!

Picture of a James Sullivan BEFORE he started the Nine and FINE Diet

Picture of James Sullivan JUST 30 DAYS AFTER starting the Nine and FINE Diet!!!!!!!!

Hello!!!!!!!  Today, I am here to talk to you about a diet that changed my life.  For years, I have struggled with my weight.  I have tried every diet on the market, but after a few days I am unable to keep to the diet because I am hungry all the time.  The most recent studies have said that eating 5 small meals a day will result in significant loss of pounds.  I heard this and thought it was impossible but it seems to be very effective.  Unfortunately, I have been unable to make this system work quickly enough and I still find myself hungry at night.  It seemed like there was no hope for me, and then I found out about the Nine and FINE Diet.  Are you sitting down?  I am about to tell you something that may sound too good to be true, but rest assured, this diet is one hundred and twelve percent effective for everyone.  According to scientists*, eating NINE large meals a day will help you lose significant amounts of weight overnight.

What?!?!  Eat nine large meals and lose weight!  How could it be true?  Well, according to scientists, the human body has some pretty amazing properties.  There is a certain point that the body hits where it is so overwhelmed by fat, carbohydrates and proteins that it begins to secrete a substance recently discovered by scientists called Jimbobwe.  Jimbobwe is a substance that eats fat.  If you have ever had a night where you ate to the point of near sickness and woke up a pound or two lighter it is because you tripped your Jimbobwe receptors.  If you think about it, the human body is kind of like the card game hearts.  In hearts, if you have the best cards you get a lot of points.  But, if you have the worst possible hand, you get even more points.  The body works in the same way.  Impossible, you say!?!?!  Scientists have proven it!!!  Ever see a 98 year old who ate badly all of her life and is still in great health?  How, you ask?!?!  Jimbobwe!!!!

Let me give you a personal example.  I started the Nine and FINE Diet on a Monday morning.  For breakfast, I had a full plate of eggs, bacon, pancakes, French toast and grits.  At about 9 o’clock, I ate a large ham sandwich, two plates full of mashed potatoes, and macaroni and cheese.  At 10:30, I ate three large hamburger patties wedged between two grilled cheese sandwiches, fries and 6 cokes.  At noon, I ate a rack of ribs, twelve dinner roles covered in butter, a side of lobster bisque soup and a plate of fried plantains.  At 1:30, I ate half of a medium cooked turkey, a large vanilla milkshake, two plates of collard greens, a hot fudge sundae and 4 peanut butter sandwiches.  At 4, I ate a large porterhouse steak, a baked potato covered in sour cream, a plate of braised pig’s knuckles, 4 slices of pizza dipped in bleu cheese and 4 cans of A and W root beer.  At 6, I ate another steak, fried onions, a Cinnabon, an entire bag of cool ranch Doritos, a Meximelt from Taco Bell, and a large vat of cookie dough ice cream.  At 6:45, I ate six fried Snicker Bars, a Whopper from Burger King and fries from Checkers.  Then, as I was getting ready for bed at 8 o’clock, I ate a bag of caramel corn, 4 turkey legs, cotton candy, a dish of funnel cake covered in ice cream, 7 pieces of chicken fried in Crisco, another Cinnabon, nine bagels covered in cream cheese, a Big Mac and 3 more milkshakes.  In total, I consumed close to 40,000 calories that day.  I also lost 5 pounds.  After 30 days of the diet, I had lost 56 pounds**.

Maybe I’m just lucky, you say.  Well, then how do you explain Marvin Altcheck?  Marvin followed the Nine and FINE for thirty days and lost 37 pounds***.  Or Jane Smith?  Jane lost 67 pounds in 30 days on the Nine and FINE Diet****.  What about Julia Marshall?  Julia began the diet at 883 pounds.  After thirty days on the diet, she was 938 pounds.  Now that’s progress!!!

Picture of Kate Johnson BEFORE the Nine and FINE Diet

Here's Kate Johnson AFTER JUST 2 MONTHS of the Nine and FINE Diet

I often hear people say things about Americans eating too much.  Maybe, these so-called “doctors” and “dieticians” are wrong.  Maybe the problem is we don’t eat enough!!!!!!!

Let’s say you have the problem that many overweight, patriotic Americans have.  You simply don’t like to eat.  Well, for just 19.99 I can offer you a thirty-day supply of Jimbobwe supplements.  Or, eat nine large meals a day AND take the supplements.  Hey…every little bit helps…Right?!?!?!?  Simply send your credit card/bank account information the address given below in the Cayman Islands and expect your supplements in the mail any day.  If you send your information in the next 12 hours, I will include a book called “The Mysteries of Jimbobwe”, a 98-page book with pictures of some of our success stories along with 47 brand new Crisco based recipes for weight loss.

So, if anyone asks you what you weigh…go ahead and finish that ice cream sundae, that box of Oreos and that stick of butter, look them in the eyes and tell them “I’m Nine and FINE” and let the results speak for themselves.

*  When using the term scientists, I am referring to several friends of mine who have taken at least 3 college level science classes.

**  Results of the diet are not typical.  Many people lose only thirty pounds in a month while other gain large amounts of weight.

***Marvin credits the Nine and FINE Diet (coupled with liposuction surgery) with his dramatic weight loss

****Jane died from congestive heart failure on the seventh day of the diet, but for the sake of the study, scientists continued to track her progress after her death

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  1. #1 by iamsarahk on January 30, 2011 - 11:22 PM

    You are hilarious!

  2. #2 by brucetheeconomist on February 1, 2011 - 3:18 AM

    Maybe this is how Washington is addressing the budget deficit, by cutting taxes and raising spending.

  3. #4 by tinadot on February 4, 2011 - 8:46 PM

    LOLLL I’ve tried so many fad diets out there, I didn’t think ANEETHANNG would work! But after reading this post, I’m optimistic once more! Keith, I want to start right away! How do I begin?!

    • #5 by Keith Spillett on February 4, 2011 - 9:21 PM

      I would try to consume 400,000 calories in the next ten days. Start out with a 7 or 8 hot fudge sundaes, just to get used to things. Then, just eat until the point of sickness 12 hours a day. You’ll be a size 2 in no time.

      • #6 by tinadot on February 4, 2011 - 11:34 PM

        Thanks Keith! I finally have the key to a good life with a great body, how can I ever repay you!! Shall I send on over a few hot fudge sundaes to help you along?

      • #7 by Keith Spillett on February 5, 2011 - 5:27 PM

        Yes. Please send them via Federal Express.

    • #8 by grungem0nkey on February 11, 2012 - 8:13 PM

      Try the hard drug diet. Smack and crack will peel the pound away!

  4. #9 by Anne on February 4, 2011 - 9:27 PM

    A dieter’s dream come true. The disclaimers are a perfect dessert to a hilarious meal.

    • #10 by Keith Spillett on February 5, 2011 - 5:28 PM

      Yeah, I think this could really catch on. I’m going to come up with a tax system next based on similar principles.

  5. #11 by grungem0nkey on February 11, 2012 - 8:11 PM

    I lost 60 pounds on the hard drug diet. All you need to do do is smoke crack and shoot smack and the weight will keep falling off as long as you stick with the plan and keep upping the doses.

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