Posts Tagged Fat Joe the Gangsta
Posted by Keith Spillett in Articles I Probably Shouldn't Have Bothered Writing, Basketball Coaching Nonsense, Blithering Sports Fan Prattle on February 1, 2011
Last night, Paul Pierce put together a game that will certainly go down in the annals of the Boston Celtics as one of the most warrior-esque performances in that franchise’s history. After receiving numerous injuries, Pierce returned to the game against the Miami Heat and scored 37 points and grabbed 14 rebounds to lead the Celtics to a 121-119 overtime victory. What made the game special was not just Pierce’s fabulous numbers, but the amazing series of setbacks that Pierce overcame to lead his team to victory. In the postgame press conference Ray Allen called Pierce’s performance “amazing” and said that he was “a true warrior”
About 3 minutes into the game, Ray Allen stole the ball from LeBron James and threw the ball the length of the court to Pierce. Pierce went up for a layup and was hammered to the floor by Udonis Haslem. The team doctor brought Pierce back to the dressing room and after a series of x-rays determined that he had a fractured orbital bone in his face. Grasping the importance of the game, Pierce put on a plastic, Rip Hamilton mask and returned to action with 3 minutes left to go in the quarter.
Upon his return to the floor, Pierce scored 6 quick points. He threw in a great slashing layup to tie the game up at 27. Unfortunately for Pierce, he landed off balance on his right ankle causing a severe sprain. Pierce was carried off the floor to the locker room by several teammates and it looked like he would be lost for the game. Three minutes after Pierce went to the locker room he miraculously ran out of the tunnel and on to the court just in time for the beginning of the second quarter.
Pierce faced more suffering in the second quarter. While taking a jump shot, Pierce was shot in the back by a deranged Heat fan in the 8th row. The shooter, Karl Lee Wiley, was arrested immediately by security. Pierce, who was lying on the court in a pool of blood, was carried on a stretcher to an ambulance. As the ambulance was driving away, Pierce burst out of the back and ran towards the court. With 2 minutes left in the second quarter, Pierce checked back into the game. Coach Doc Rivers was truly impressed. “I’ve had players play through injuries before, but I’ve never seen a player overcome a gunshot wound and go back in the game. Paul is a true warrior.”
The second half was also quite difficult for Pierce. While drinking contaminated Gatorade before the half begun he contracted a severe case of dysentery. Pierce spent much of the next 10 minutes shaking and running to the bathroom. He became delirious when he was in the locker room and claimed that he saw Larry Bird, Robert Parrish and Kevin McHale walking through the door. Yet somehow, Pierce was able to get his symptoms under control and return with 6 minutes left in the third quarter.
Pierce continued to play an inspired game. He went up for a monstrous dunk to cut the Heat’s lead to 9 with 7:22 left in the fourth quarter. Unfortunately, his fingers got hooked on the webbing of the net and he was stuck, hanging by one arm in the air. Doctors, worried that Pierce could die from being suspended in mid-air for too long, immediately amputated the arm allowing Pierce to be freed. Pierce was again rushed to the locker room by the medical staff. But, it a moment reminiscent of Willis Reed’s injured return to the court during the Knicks championship game in the 70s, Pierce came out of the tunnel with only one arm and checked back into the game with 2 minutes remaining. Showing no effects from the terrible, arm amputation surgery he had only moments earlier, Pierce quickly fired in two three pointers to tie the game at 107 and send it to overtime. “He’s simply a warrior,” said Celtics Forward Kevin Garnett, “and this was the most warrior-like performance I’ve ever seen.”
During overtime, Pierce suffered a severe concussion, a brain aneurysm, a broken leg, was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and a contracted a severe staph infection. With 3 minutes remaining, Pierce’s heart stopped and he collapsed on the court. Medics pronounced him dead on the scene and began to cart him off the floor, but somehow his heart began beating again and he returned to action. On a night where nothing could stop him, Pierce threw in a jumper from the corner with 2 seconds remaining giving the Celtics the victory. Shaquille O’Neal added 19 points and 12 rebounds as the Celtics pulled ahead of the Heat for the best record in the NBA’s Eastern Division. Pierce expects to play tomorrow night when the Celtics travel to Sacramento to face the Kings.
Hello!!!!!!! Today, I am here to talk to you about a diet that changed my life. For years, I have struggled with my weight. I have tried every diet on the market, but after a few days I am unable to keep to the diet because I am hungry all the time. The most recent studies have said that eating 5 small meals a day will result in significant loss of pounds. I heard this and thought it was impossible but it seems to be very effective. Unfortunately, I have been unable to make this system work quickly enough and I still find myself hungry at night. It seemed like there was no hope for me, and then I found out about the Nine and FINE Diet. Are you sitting down? I am about to tell you something that may sound too good to be true, but rest assured, this diet is one hundred and twelve percent effective for everyone. According to scientists*, eating NINE large meals a day will help you lose significant amounts of weight overnight.
What?!?! Eat nine large meals and lose weight! How could it be true? Well, according to scientists, the human body has some pretty amazing properties. There is a certain point that the body hits where it is so overwhelmed by fat, carbohydrates and proteins that it begins to secrete a substance recently discovered by scientists called Jimbobwe. Jimbobwe is a substance that eats fat. If you have ever had a night where you ate to the point of near sickness and woke up a pound or two lighter it is because you tripped your Jimbobwe receptors. If you think about it, the human body is kind of like the card game hearts. In hearts, if you have the best cards you get a lot of points. But, if you have the worst possible hand, you get even more points. The body works in the same way. Impossible, you say!?!?! Scientists have proven it!!! Ever see a 98 year old who ate badly all of her life and is still in great health? How, you ask?!?! Jimbobwe!!!!
Let me give you a personal example. I started the Nine and FINE Diet on a Monday morning. For breakfast, I had a full plate of eggs, bacon, pancakes, French toast and grits. At about 9 o’clock, I ate a large ham sandwich, two plates full of mashed potatoes, and macaroni and cheese. At 10:30, I ate three large hamburger patties wedged between two grilled cheese sandwiches, fries and 6 cokes. At noon, I ate a rack of ribs, twelve dinner roles covered in butter, a side of lobster bisque soup and a plate of fried plantains. At 1:30, I ate half of a medium cooked turkey, a large vanilla milkshake, two plates of collard greens, a hot fudge sundae and 4 peanut butter sandwiches. At 4, I ate a large porterhouse steak, a baked potato covered in sour cream, a plate of braised pig’s knuckles, 4 slices of pizza dipped in bleu cheese and 4 cans of A and W root beer. At 6, I ate another steak, fried onions, a Cinnabon, an entire bag of cool ranch Doritos, a Meximelt from Taco Bell, and a large vat of cookie dough ice cream. At 6:45, I ate six fried Snicker Bars, a Whopper from Burger King and fries from Checkers. Then, as I was getting ready for bed at 8 o’clock, I ate a bag of caramel corn, 4 turkey legs, cotton candy, a dish of funnel cake covered in ice cream, 7 pieces of chicken fried in Crisco, another Cinnabon, nine bagels covered in cream cheese, a Big Mac and 3 more milkshakes. In total, I consumed close to 40,000 calories that day. I also lost 5 pounds. After 30 days of the diet, I had lost 56 pounds**.
Maybe I’m just lucky, you say. Well, then how do you explain Marvin Altcheck? Marvin followed the Nine and FINE for thirty days and lost 37 pounds***. Or Jane Smith? Jane lost 67 pounds in 30 days on the Nine and FINE Diet****. What about Julia Marshall? Julia began the diet at 883 pounds. After thirty days on the diet, she was 938 pounds. Now that’s progress!!!
I often hear people say things about Americans eating too much. Maybe, these so-called “doctors” and “dieticians” are wrong. Maybe the problem is we don’t eat enough!!!!!!!
Let’s say you have the problem that many overweight, patriotic Americans have. You simply don’t like to eat. Well, for just 19.99 I can offer you a thirty-day supply of Jimbobwe supplements. Or, eat nine large meals a day AND take the supplements. Hey…every little bit helps…Right?!?!?!? Simply send your credit card/bank account information the address given below in the Cayman Islands and expect your supplements in the mail any day. If you send your information in the next 12 hours, I will include a book called “The Mysteries of Jimbobwe”, a 98-page book with pictures of some of our success stories along with 47 brand new Crisco based recipes for weight loss.
So, if anyone asks you what you weigh…go ahead and finish that ice cream sundae, that box of Oreos and that stick of butter, look them in the eyes and tell them “I’m Nine and FINE” and let the results speak for themselves.
* When using the term scientists, I am referring to several friends of mine who have taken at least 3 college level science classes.
** Results of the diet are not typical. Many people lose only thirty pounds in a month while other gain large amounts of weight.
***Marvin credits the Nine and FINE Diet (coupled with liposuction surgery) with his dramatic weight loss
****Jane died from congestive heart failure on the seventh day of the diet, but for the sake of the study, scientists continued to track her progress after her death