Satan To Metal Bands: “Stop Writing Songs About Me Already!”

Satan During Last Friday's Exclusive Tyranny of Tradition Interview

Last Friday, we got a chance to catch up with Satan over at the Starbucks in Alpharetta, Georgia.  The Dark Prince and I sat down over Frappuccinos and discussed his life and career.  He was remarkably candid with me about the challenges that he has faced as the most powerful force of evil in the known universe.  We also discussed the current state of heavy metal.  Here are some highlights from our interview….

Tyranny:  So, Satan, what are some of your proudest achievements?

Satan:  Well, I’m particularly proud of greed.  Watching people gets so worked up over the stories they tell themselves about lifeless material is really a joy to watch.  I’m also very partial to vanity.  It’s the best gateway drug ever invented.  If you can get people to believe that there is something remarkable about themselves that they have and others don’t you can get them to do just about anything to protect it.  Who needs to fill a church with demons and ghouls when you can simply fill one of the ministers with an over abundance of self-interest?  You give me twenty seconds and a mirror and I can do pure magic.

Tyranny:  As the devil, you face many challenges.  Tell me about a few of them.

Satan:  Well, human beings have a remarkable capacity for love.  They are often willing to give of themselves when they are clear they will get nothing in return.  You see it all the time if you know what you are looking for.  You have no idea how frustrating this is for me.  Sure, I’ve managed to convince some people that all acts are essentially selfish.  I’ve planted the idea of human nature in people so they think they can never be any better than those who came before them.  But, some people simply choose to ignore this and try to turn the world into a place of empathy and compassion.  Those people make my job a nightmare.

Tyranny:  What do you think about the current state of heavy metal?

Satan:  Honestly, I’m just tired of people writing songs about me.  Stop it already!  Please!  I mean, when Venom or Bathory were doing it, it was kinda cool.  I was flattered.  After 30 years and literally thousands of songs about my powers, I’m just tired of it.  Slayer fans are the worst.  I can’t even go to their concerts anymore because people just scream my name the whole time.  You try enjoying the drum solo in Angel of Death with a bunch of bearded lunatics screaming your name over and over.  It’s annoying.

Tyranny:  Do you think this stems from a general lack of creativity in metal?

Satan:  There is plenty of creativity in metal; it’s just that the audience often prefers the comfort of what they already know.  Some of the best experiments out there fall on deaf ears.  I try to discourage creativity because it can lead to joy and freedom in the minds of humans. It’s one of the things I’ve never been able to beat out of people.  To fight it, I have had to come up with some very unique solutions.  Case in point, every once in a while I plant a bad creative idea in order to discourage bands from thinking outside of the box.  To show them that their ideas could lead them to being humiliated.  Then, I encourage legions of angry and sad people to savage them on message boards in order to drive the point home.

Tyranny:  Can you give me an example?

Satan:  Sure.  The Metallica/Lou Reed thing was my idea.  That should set creativity further back then The McCarthy Hearings.

Tyranny:  If you could leave the reader with one quick idea, what would it be?

Satan:  Vote Gingrich!!!!!

Tyranny:  Thanks for your time.  By the way, thanks for your help promoting the Santorum article!

Satan:  No problem!  And thank you for your soul.

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  1. #1 by Universe Number Five on February 15, 2012 - 12:29 PM

    Nice to see that the devil still goes down to Georgia every once in awhile…

  2. #2 by ConRev on February 15, 2012 - 12:44 PM

    Only Satan would Vote Gingrich!!! Too bad Satan has lost his “top tier” status in the Evil category. I mean… Dick Cheney has got him beat by a long shot.That zombie even has a robotic heart. Look for more Metal songs about Cheney.

  3. #3 by Jim Wheeler on February 15, 2012 - 2:08 PM

    The photo of Justin Bieber is spot on appropriate for this post. Consider the glitterati. All that fame and attention make them an order of magnitude more vulnerable to Satan’s temptations and the seven deadly sins than are ordinary mortals. Poor Whitney Houston. Say hello to Elvis for us. Watch out, Justin Bieber! Watch out, Jeffrey LIn!

  4. #4 by John Erickson on February 15, 2012 - 3:13 PM

    Are you REALLY telling me that the Beeb is Satan? Oh great. Here I’ve been leading this life guaranteed to land me in a VERY warm place, and you tell me my boss is gonna be Justin?
    (Sigh.) Great, now I’ve gotta spend the next few decades trying for redemption. Thanks a lot, pal! :p

    • #5 by victoriagrimalkin on February 16, 2012 - 5:11 PM

      John, he is already your boss. You need to lead a life of isolation and denial to avoid his Satanic Majesty, although I’ve done quite well in that area. My only contact with Justin Bieber has been a cardboard stand up in Wal-Mart; I’ve never heard him sing, and I shun Starbucks and their mind controlling beverages.

      • #6 by johncerickson on February 16, 2012 - 5:31 PM

        “Lead a life of isolation”? Try to find Coshocton, Ohio – I live a few miles away in Fresno, a town so small, the only “business” is the post office, and that’s a small rented space in a two-story apartment building (whose 2nd floor in condemned)! I’d call us a one-horse town, but we have to settle for goats! (That’s my buddy Blackjack in my Gravatar. He’s the handsome one.)
        I SO have to get a photo of our “town hall”. Picture two Porta-Potties back to back. Wrap ‘em in brick. That’s our town hall. Seriously. Totally seriously!

  5. #7 by aFrankAngle on February 16, 2012 - 9:47 AM

    Classic Tyranny! Meanwhile, I saw this today and knew you would appreciate this music.

  6. #9 by Maz on February 17, 2012 - 7:39 PM

    Ever been to Old Country Buffet during the lunch rush? Gluttony is The Dark Prince’s ‘Painkiller’, often referenced but generally unheralded, I dare say.

  7. #10 by A rider on the storm on February 27, 2012 - 1:50 PM

    Is…is Justin Beiber swearing at me?

  8. #11 by the highway terror on August 31, 2014 - 2:19 AM

    I live in Coshocton too. it sucks big time.

  1. The Best Of Da Intranetz, Vol. I: The Tyranny Of Tradition

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