Venom Singer Saddened By Royal Snub

Uncle Cronos

There is one Brit who is still waiting for his invitation to tomorrow’s wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton.  Cronos (Conrad Lant), the bass player and singer from the band Venom, has checked his mailbox everyday patiently waiting for a message that may never come.  Why would the lead singer of a band that recorded songs like “Sons of Satan” expect an invite to one of the most sacred and important events in Britain this century?  Cronos is, in fact, Kate Middleton’s uncle.

As hard as this may be to believe for many metalheads, Cronos is the brother of Kate’s mom Mary Lant.  In an exclusive interview with The Tyranny of Tradition, Cronos revealed that he had a close relationship with Kate from the time she was a baby.  “We were on tour supporting the Welcome to Hell album when I got the call.   Little Katy was about to be born.  The band and I cancelled the show and rushed to the hospital.  I’ll never forget when I held her for the first time.  Abaddon and I broke down in tears.  It was beautiful,” recalled Cronos.

Cronos was always a big part of the future princesses life.  She grew up going to Venom concerts and was even in the studio when the band recorded their third album “At War With Satan”.  “Mantas had this great idea to have her voice mixed into the background of the song “Aaaaaarrghh” but it we were never able to get it to sound right.”

As Kate got older she got more involved with the band.  “She started playing drums at age 7 and even sat in with us a few times during concerts.  She played Buried Alive with us at a show in Coventry back during the reunion in 1995 and was amazing.  She reminded me a lot of Dave Lombardo.”

When the royal couple first started dating Kate promised Cronos that they might play at the wedding if the two ever decided to tie the knot.  “She had this whole idea about us playing Countess Bathory during the part of the service where she walked up to the altar.  I thought it was crazy, but she kept bringing the idea up. I’d have been honored to play her wedding.”

Cronos was in touch with Kate as recently as seven months ago, but since the wedding announcement she has not returned any of his phone calls.  “She used to call me her favorite uncle.  She loved singing songs with me when she was a little girl.  We used to sing the song “Black Metal” together.  She loved doing the growling part at the end.  Now she won’t even talk to me.”

There have been few mentions of Cronos’ relationship with Kate in the British press.  He believes the royal family has conspired to keep the Kate Middleton/Venom connection out of the media.  “There used to be video of her playing with us up on YouTube, but that was mysteriously taken down months ago.  I feel like they are embarrassed by my career as one of the founding fathers of Satan influenced thrash metal.  I’m not trying to get famous out of this or make money.  I just want my Little Katy back.”

 

 

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About Keith Spillett

I have a lot of strange debris rattling around my mind that I need to work out in a useful way.

66 responses to “Venom Singer Saddened By Royal Snub”

  1. Andy says :

    Her mother’s name isn’t Mary Lant. It’s Carole somethingorother. April Fool’s Day was nearly a month ago, what gives?

  2. aineolach says :

    For anybody who stumbles across this they may not notice the ‘humour’ tag and think this was true – you might consider adding a note at the end explaining it’s not (to help prevent the spread of disinformation).

  3. Zack says :

    hahaha. this made me laugh…i’m personally not a fan but the post was tight.
    i found your blog via wordpress dashboard and all the archives that i’ve read are legit. ; )

    http://greenalgaeandgarlic.wordpress.com/

  4. Daved says :

    This is sad.

  5. Heavy Metal Merchant says :

    Yep tight post almost had me fooled.

  6. ANGRY BLACK METAL FAN says :

    HEY YOU GO DO A VERY UNPLEASANT THING
    BLACK METAL ISN’T A JOKE IT’S LIFE OR DEATH
    I HOPE YOU GET A SPIKED WRISTBAND IN THE FACE NEXT TIME YOU’RE AT ANY KIND OF ROCK SHOW, IF YOU’RE EVEN MAN ENOUGH TO SHOW UP AT A ROCK SHOW. REALLY BAD PERSON.

  7. Chris says :

    Hehe! You got me! I was thinking, “Aw man, what a bummer.” It’s one of those stories you kinda wish were true. That would make the princess so much cooler…

    • Keith Spillett says :

      I close my eyes at night and pretend that Cronos talks to me. You should try it. It is quite comforting.

      I was hoping she came out in a wedding dress with a Venom pentagram on the front of it.

  8. Eric Yanyo says :

    Yeah, I was almost buying it.. even willing to accept the line “Abaddon and I broke down in tears. It was beautiful,” but you lost me at “She reminded me a lot of Dave Lombardo.”

  9. Bob says :

    Fantastic. Was well taken in up to the Dave Lombard bit. Anyone who hasn’t heard this is in for a treat (Venom = comedy gold): http://bit.ly/htON6

  10. Black Metal elitist says :

    THIS IS NOT TR00, NECRO, OR KVLT!

  11. Bleeargh says :

    Oh I get it, they are both English so they must be related. What a clever article! Ooo, and an El Topo avatar, super kult!

  12. vicky grant says :

    tee hee! I believed it until I saw everyone joking about how it was a joke! Haaa Ba hahaha! I posted the article to my facebook profile to get it to viewers that would never stumble across it on their own!

  13. Timmy says :

    I must have read this five times today already. So well written! If Venom are still releasing stuff they need to print this as an inner sleeve for sure!

  14. vicky grant says :

    I would love to see Venom come to Canada. This article tickles upon my personal obsession with Cronos!

  15. Michael Ghan says :

    Wow! Kate’s a little jerk. Who cares WHAT her uncle does or WHAT his scene is. Just because his “scene” doesn’t coincide with that of the royal family, that’s no excuse to push him out of her life. He can be formal at a wedding just like anybody else, but to summarily reject him like that because of what she’s marrying into is simply wrong.

  16. MichaelEdits says :

    You had me fooled, but I’m American so I don’t know any better.

  17. Mad Uccyz Uleh says :

    This has been made funny because the losers on the nwnprod.com forum actually started researching the net and taking this as serious.

    Many of them were German too.

  18. Paul says :

    Dammit. I wanted this to be true.

  19. A German Guy says :

    Roadrunner Records Germany have just posted this blog article via their facebook page. Just waiting for this story to go viral :D

  20. Aditya Mehta says :

    YOU FOOLED ME? I KEEEL YOU!!!

  21. Motleyhoople says :

    Funny. :-)

    Maybe you should have said in the headline that he was angry rather than saddened. Then you could have used the headline
    VENOM SINGER ANGERED BY ROYAL SNUB
    -ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE

  22. Bob S says :

    I love all these people who point out how stupid the author is for factual mistakes. What does not knowing the obvious difference between a news article and satire make them?
    The article was great,but these comments take the cake!

    • Keith Spillett says :

      It’s a strange problem. If a story is obviously false and even slightly insane am I obligated to have the other details factually correct? I’m not sure.

  23. Kevin Woron says :

    Nice. Too bad it wasn’t true but you had me fished in for a bit! Thanks Keith.

  24. aric says :

    You had me fooled for about half a day… but it’s all good. No one I tried spreading this hoax to even knew who Venom were anyway.

  25. Alannah Myles says :

    Upon first reading this, all I could think was “as if !?!?!!!” The scrolled down to see other humourous posts and smiled.

    @=

  26. Silence Beesrot says :

    I believed it, it made you feeeel. The part I questioned the most was Conrad(Cronos) and Tony(Abaddon) being the two to cancel a show to see Katy. I could believe that Conrad would want to see his neice, but not that of Tony. Perhaps more believable if it was Jeff(Mantus) that had gone and cried. He was more quiet than Tony.

    But overall damn good false article.

  27. Keith Spillett says :

    A fair point! I was counting on an audience with a bit less knowledge about Venom then you. Good catch.

  28. Xjort says :

    ;D This has made my month, I’m actually shocked how many Brits are coming across this “article & just accepting it as gospel truth: “Really!? Our future queen is so fucking cool man/”The royal family are so up themselves! Cronos should’ve been invited at least!” Ahahaaa.

    WELL PLAYED!

  29. Sledger says :

    A very entertaining article… made me chuckle.

    Anyway, someone obviously does believe it and referenced it in Wikipedia; so it must be true.

  30. Metalcore band says :

    Can I simply say what a relief to find somebody who really understands what they’re talking about over the internet. You definitely realize how to bring a problem to light and make it important. More people must look at this and understand this side of your story. I was surprised that you aren’t more popular because you definitely possess the gift.

  31. Kev says :

    Great article, I just linked it on my facebook page. Had me convinced until the Dave Lombardo bit, then it seemed a bit far fetched ;). What’s even funnier is I’m British, have all of Venoms albums on vinyl and was once awe struck when I saw Mr Lant having a pint in the Newcastle Mayfair on a Saturday rock night. And yep, he did have spandex pants on. So I should know better.

    Although I have heard that Cronos now wears slacks and golf shirts, but Kerry King was known to have said “You can still tell that underneath his civilian clothes he’s still all studs and leather”

    I suppose that’s okay, as long as it doesn’t effect his golf swing.

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