Uncle Cronos
There is one Brit who is still waiting for his invitation to tomorrow’s wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton. Cronos (Conrad Lant), the bass player and singer from the band Venom, has checked his mailbox everyday patiently waiting for a message that may never come. Why would the lead singer of a band that recorded songs like “Sons of Satan” expect an invite to one of the most sacred and important events in Britain this century? Cronos is, in fact, Kate Middleton’s uncle.
As hard as this may be to believe for many metalheads, Cronos is the brother of Kate’s mom Mary Lant. In an exclusive interview with The Tyranny of Tradition, Cronos revealed that he had a close relationship with Kate from the time she was a baby. “We were on tour supporting the Welcome to Hell album when I got the call. Little Katy was about to be born. The band and I cancelled the show and rushed to the hospital. I’ll never forget when I held her for the first time. Abaddon and I broke down in tears. It was beautiful,” recalled Cronos.
Cronos was always a big part of the future princesses life. She grew up going to Venom concerts and was even in the studio when the band recorded their third album “At War With Satan”. “Mantas had this great idea to have her voice mixed into the background of the song “Aaaaaarrghh” but it we were never able to get it to sound right.”
As Kate got older she got more involved with the band. “She started playing drums at age 7 and even sat in with us a few times during concerts. She played Buried Alive with us at a show in Coventry back during the reunion in 1995 and was amazing. She reminded me a lot of Dave Lombardo.”
When the royal couple first started dating Kate promised Cronos that they might play at the wedding if the two ever decided to tie the knot. “She had this whole idea about us playing Countess Bathory during the part of the service where she walked up to the altar. I thought it was crazy, but she kept bringing the idea up. I’d have been honored to play her wedding.”
Cronos was in touch with Kate as recently as seven months ago, but since the wedding announcement she has not returned any of his phone calls. “She used to call me her favorite uncle. She loved singing songs with me when she was a little girl. We used to sing the song “Black Metal” together. She loved doing the growling part at the end. Now she won’t even talk to me.”
There have been few mentions of Cronos’ relationship with Kate in the British press. He believes the royal family has conspired to keep the Kate Middleton/Venom connection out of the media. “There used to be video of her playing with us up on YouTube, but that was mysteriously taken down months ago. I feel like they are embarrassed by my career as one of the founding fathers of Satan influenced thrash metal. I’m not trying to get famous out of this or make money. I just want my Little Katy back.”
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BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!! OBAMA’S METAL SCANDAL!!!!!!!!!!!! THE TRUTH THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO HEAR!!!!!!!!
April 29th, 2011 at 1:54 AM
Her mother’s name isn’t Mary Lant. It’s Carole somethingorother. April Fool’s Day was nearly a month ago, what gives?
April 29th, 2011 at 5:28 PM
She changed it in order to make this article more interesting.
April 29th, 2011 at 5:36 PM
Andy, your argument sounded very compelling considering you dont know her name anyway. shut up about it!
April 29th, 2011 at 3:52 AM
For anybody who stumbles across this they may not notice the ‘humour’ tag and think this was true – you might consider adding a note at the end explaining it’s not (to help prevent the spread of disinformation).
April 29th, 2011 at 10:33 AM
Pretty sure disinformation was the intent
April 29th, 2011 at 5:46 PM
Correct, sir
April 29th, 2011 at 10:17 AM
This is sad.
April 29th, 2011 at 12:36 PM
Yep tight post almost had me fooled.
April 29th, 2011 at 5:44 PM
Thanks for reading it.
April 29th, 2011 at 1:02 PM
HEY YOU GO DO A VERY UNPLEASANT THING
BLACK METAL ISN’T A JOKE IT’S LIFE OR DEATH
I HOPE YOU GET A SPIKED WRISTBAND IN THE FACE NEXT TIME YOU’RE AT ANY KIND OF ROCK SHOW, IF YOU’RE EVEN MAN ENOUGH TO SHOW UP AT A ROCK SHOW. REALLY BAD PERSON.
April 29th, 2011 at 7:26 PM
This is awesome!!!!
April 30th, 2011 at 3:37 AM
What is it now: Black Metal or Rock?
April 30th, 2011 at 8:25 AM
I’m not sure, but I do know that black metal is not a joke. It is life or death.
April 29th, 2011 at 1:27 PM
Hehe! You got me! I was thinking, “Aw man, what a bummer.” It’s one of those stories you kinda wish were true. That would make the princess so much cooler…
April 29th, 2011 at 5:46 PM
I close my eyes at night and pretend that Cronos talks to me. You should try it. It is quite comforting.
I was hoping she came out in a wedding dress with a Venom pentagram on the front of it.
April 29th, 2011 at 1:54 PM
Yeah, I was almost buying it.. even willing to accept the line “Abaddon and I broke down in tears. It was beautiful,” but you lost me at “She reminded me a lot of Dave Lombardo.”
April 29th, 2011 at 5:29 PM
I think that’s where it went off the rails as well!
April 29th, 2011 at 4:31 PM
Fantastic. Was well taken in up to the Dave Lombard bit. Anyone who hasn’t heard this is in for a treat (Venom = comedy gold): http://bit.ly/htON6
April 30th, 2011 at 5:53 AM
Sorry, Dave Lombardo. Don’t want the Metal Militia on my ass.
April 29th, 2011 at 7:03 PM
[...] Venom Singer Saddened By Royal Snub There is one Brit who is still waiting for his invitation to tomorrow’s wedding between Prince William and Kate [...] [...]
April 29th, 2011 at 7:16 PM
THIS IS NOT TR00, NECRO, OR KVLT!
April 29th, 2011 at 7:34 PM
What language is this written in?
April 29th, 2011 at 8:12 PM
Oh I get it, they are both English so they must be related. What a clever article! Ooo, and an El Topo avatar, super kult!
April 29th, 2011 at 8:15 PM
Zing!!!! Guilty as charged!
Great rip!!!!
April 29th, 2011 at 8:47 PM
tee hee! I believed it until I saw everyone joking about how it was a joke! Haaa Ba hahaha! I posted the article to my facebook profile to get it to viewers that would never stumble across it on their own!
April 29th, 2011 at 8:53 PM
Thanks Vicky!
April 29th, 2011 at 9:42 PM
I must have read this five times today already. So well written! If Venom are still releasing stuff they need to print this as an inner sleeve for sure!
April 29th, 2011 at 9:51 PM
Thanks! I would settle for Venom playing my 3 year old son’s birthday party.
April 29th, 2011 at 10:56 PM
[...] WHAT Read the whole thing HERE!! [...]
April 29th, 2011 at 10:58 PM
I would love to see Venom come to Canada. This article tickles upon my personal obsession with Cronos!
April 29th, 2011 at 11:14 PM
Wow! Kate’s a little jerk. Who cares WHAT her uncle does or WHAT his scene is. Just because his “scene” doesn’t coincide with that of the royal family, that’s no excuse to push him out of her life. He can be formal at a wedding just like anybody else, but to summarily reject him like that because of what she’s marrying into is simply wrong.
April 30th, 2011 at 7:54 AM
Ain’t that the truth!
April 30th, 2011 at 12:24 AM
You had me fooled, but I’m American so I don’t know any better.
April 30th, 2011 at 7:54 AM
I am an American, so I was able to fool myself.
April 30th, 2011 at 1:22 AM
[...] http://tyrannyoftradition.wordpress.com/2011/04/28/venom-singer-saddened-by-royal-snub/ Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)Goodbye, Waity Katie! Hello, Princess-in-Waiting!Could this be Kate Middleton’s first royal endorsement?Probably not on Kate Middleton’s Christmas gift list LikeOne blogger likes this post. [...]
April 30th, 2011 at 3:55 AM
This has been made funny because the losers on the nwnprod.com forum actually started researching the net and taking this as serious.
Many of them were German too.
April 30th, 2011 at 7:57 AM
That website rules! My guess is they were just playing along. They have some pretty savvy folks over there.
April 30th, 2011 at 5:00 AM
Dammit. I wanted this to be true.
April 30th, 2011 at 8:05 AM
Me too, that’s why I wrote it.
April 30th, 2011 at 7:31 AM
Roadrunner Records Germany have just posted this blog article via their facebook page. Just waiting for this story to go viral
April 30th, 2011 at 7:55 AM
Whoa!!!!! HA!!!! Wonderful.
April 30th, 2011 at 10:37 AM
YOU FOOLED ME? I KEEEL YOU!!!
April 30th, 2011 at 11:33 AM
Funny.
Maybe you should have said in the headline that he was angry rather than saddened. Then you could have used the headline
VENOM SINGER ANGERED BY ROYAL SNUB
-ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE
April 30th, 2011 at 1:37 PM
That’s good! I could have used you about 2 days ago.
May 1st, 2011 at 1:54 PM
I love all these people who point out how stupid the author is for factual mistakes. What does not knowing the obvious difference between a news article and satire make them?
The article was great,but these comments take the cake!
May 1st, 2011 at 2:39 PM
It’s a strange problem. If a story is obviously false and even slightly insane am I obligated to have the other details factually correct? I’m not sure.
May 4th, 2011 at 12:03 PM
Nice. Too bad it wasn’t true but you had me fished in for a bit! Thanks Keith.
May 4th, 2011 at 12:26 PM
No problem! Glad you enjoyed it.
May 5th, 2011 at 10:58 PM
You had me fooled for about half a day… but it’s all good. No one I tried spreading this hoax to even knew who Venom were anyway.
May 6th, 2011 at 8:03 AM
[...] Segundo Cronos, tudo mudou depois do anúncio de que Kate realmente se casaria com o Príncipe William. Há cerca de sete meses a sobrinha não retorna mais as ligações do Tio Cronos. Como o fato de eler ser tio de Kate é pouco mencionado na mídia britânica, o músico vê um “boicote real” ao assunto. “Tinha um vídeo dela tocando com a gente no youtube, que misteriosamente desapareceu meses atrás. Eu acho que eles estão constrangidos por causa da minha carreira como um dos fundadores do ‘metal satânico’. Eu não estou tentando tirar proveito da fama ou faturar uma grana. Só quero a minha pequena Kate de volta”, lamenta Cronos. Para ler a matéria completa (em inglês), clique aqui. [...]
May 7th, 2011 at 2:47 PM
Upon first reading this, all I could think was “as if !?!?!!!” The scrolled down to see other humourous posts and smiled.
@=
May 7th, 2011 at 5:15 PM
Glad you enjoyed it!
May 7th, 2011 at 5:25 PM
By the way…you have a wonderful singing voice Alannah! Black Velvet is a seriously cool song!!!!!!
July 5th, 2011 at 2:39 AM
I believed it, it made you feeeel. The part I questioned the most was Conrad(Cronos) and Tony(Abaddon) being the two to cancel a show to see Katy. I could believe that Conrad would want to see his neice, but not that of Tony. Perhaps more believable if it was Jeff(Mantus) that had gone and cried. He was more quiet than Tony.
But overall damn good false article.
July 5th, 2011 at 10:03 AM
“Perhaps more believable if it was Jeff(Mantus) that had gone and cried. He was more quiet than Tony.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
July 5th, 2011 at 12:17 PM
A fair point! I was counting on an audience with a bit less knowledge about Venom then you. Good catch.
November 1st, 2011 at 5:24 PM
;D This has made my month, I’m actually shocked how many Brits are coming across this “article & just accepting it as gospel truth: “Really!? Our future queen is so fucking cool man/”The royal family are so up themselves! Cronos should’ve been invited at least!” Ahahaaa.
WELL PLAYED!
November 1st, 2011 at 5:54 PM
Thanks!!! It certainly has been fun to watch. The truth is a slippery thing nowadays.
November 2nd, 2011 at 8:54 AM
A very entertaining article… made me chuckle.
Anyway, someone obviously does believe it and referenced it in Wikipedia; so it must be true.
November 2nd, 2011 at 9:45 AM
Thanks! I was pretty shocked by that. It’s such a bizarre feeling to watch strange, made-up ideas morph into a form of reality. Strange old world.
February 9th, 2012 at 6:41 PM
Wow… Wow!
March 31st, 2012 at 9:19 AM
Can I simply say what a relief to find somebody who really understands what they’re talking about over the internet. You definitely realize how to bring a problem to light and make it important. More people must look at this and understand this side of your story. I was surprised that you aren’t more popular because you definitely possess the gift.
June 1st, 2012 at 4:54 AM
[...] This is fake but I so, so want it to be real
http://tyrannyoftradition.com/2011/0…by-royal-snub/ [...]