Study Finds Listening To Djent Is Potentially Life-Threatening

Max Martin, Djent Sufferer, After Listening To The New Periphery EP

The New England Journal of Otolaryngology, the foremost magazine on ear related issues, released a study on Friday claiming that djent music can lead to several health issues including dizziness, vomiting and the odd compulsion to have more than 20 strings on a guitar.  The study was commissioned last year after 52 people were hospitalized after collapsing at a Meshuggah concert in Silver Springs, Maryland.  Several of the injured were also diagnosed with logherria, a condition marked by incoherent babbling, as well as Fripp’s Disorder, a rare disease that renders people unable to enjoy music unless it is in rare, obscure time signatures.  The journal went on to call djent “the greatest threat to the health of the human ear drum” and went as far as to call for the arrest and caning of Meshuggah frontman Fredrik Thordendal.

While this is the first major study on the physiological effects of djent, several metalhead scientists have been talking about its dangerous effects as far back as 2002.  Survivors of Djent (SOD), a group started for people suffering from djent related symptoms, started as a support group back in 2005.  It currently has over 30,000 members and offers help to people on 12 continents.

The horror stories that each member has are truly sobering.  Bob, a djent survivor from Manhasset, Long Island, remembers the terror that he felt when he found himself at the local music store trying to buy a 78 string bass.  “I barely knew how to play bass but I kept adding strings.  It’s as if I thought that people would see all those strings and think ‘Hey Bob’s a really talented musician’ or ‘Hey Bob has all those strings, it doesn’t really matter that he has leprosy and horrible breath, let’s be his friend’”

Other victims have stories about strange symptoms caused by exposure to djent.  “For some strange reason, I became obsessed with onomatopoeia,” said James, a djent survivor from Des Moines, Iowa, “I stopped using real words and started calling everything by the sound it made.  A gun became ‘click click boom’, my washing machine became ‘junga junga junga’, my car was ‘vrooooooooom screech’ and my daughter was ‘thump thump thump’.  I lost my job, my wife left me and I got kicked out of the Van Halen cover band my friends had formed.  Djent ruined my life.”

Another common trait among victims is the inability to stop using technical music terms around people who have no idea what they are talking about.  They often struggle to fit this type of talk into their everyday lives with terrible results.  “I told the kids ‘You sound like a damned palm-muted two-octave power chord for Godsakes!’  They all just looked at me like my voice was modulating at 1.6 kilohertz or something,” pronounced Melinda, a frustrated kindergarten teacher from Duluth, Minnesota.

Many doctors believe the recent flood of anti-djent information will help bring America closer to a djent-free future.  Arizona is already discussing a bill to not allow djent to be played in public on Sundays.  In Alabama, where marriage among djent listeners has already been outlawed, a bill is being considered banning the children of djent fans from joining civic organizations like the Boy Scouts.  Several Texas congressmen have even proposed the death penalty for any musician who creates a song that uses the time signature 15/4 or 9/8.   If this study finds a wider audience, it may lead to the end of djent as we know it.

Djent Sufferer Playing A 213 String Guitar

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  1. #1 by nopopnomanagers on February 27, 2012 - 4:03 PM

    I always wonder by Djent gave me an uneasy feeling of dread and terror, this explains it!

    • #2 by akzer0 on December 5, 2013 - 8:00 PM

      i know your feeling i feel

  2. #3 by Keith Spillett on February 27, 2012 - 4:11 PM

    Usually after I listen to a few songs I get stomach cramps and sweat a lot. I have some boils on my face from listening to Meshuggah too much. The stuff is not to be messed with.

    • #4 by vax on April 14, 2014 - 6:32 AM

      Jens is the front man of Meshuggah

  3. #5 by victoriagrimalkin on February 27, 2012 - 4:21 PM

    Although I’ve no clue what djent is, I am sure I suffer its effects. My feet wag constantly while knitting, and as an adolescent, I felt compelled to jump into the Grand Canyon the first time I stood on its edge.

  4. #6 by Universe Number Five on February 27, 2012 - 6:05 PM

    Fripp’s Disorder!!!! Nice!!!!

  5. #7 by Bobo on February 28, 2012 - 7:09 PM

    lmao @ the picture of Pat Metheny, who I don’t think has ever even come close to making a djent.

    • #8 by Keith Spillett on February 28, 2012 - 7:33 PM

      He’s the Godfather of Djent. Try his third album “An Officer and a Djentleman”. It is the Rosetta Stone of djent.

  6. #9 by danieljames86 on March 12, 2012 - 5:29 AM

    Djent is a weird thing to me. I mean meshuggah has been making that arguably for the last 20 years or so and then someone decided to give it a name about 5 years ago. (not that I like meshuggah but still… technically and all that)

    • #10 by Swag2013 on December 5, 2013 - 5:27 PM

      You are cancer

      • #11 by Swag2013 on December 5, 2013 - 5:29 PM

        Wrong comment, lol sorry

  7. #12 by danieljames86 on March 12, 2012 - 5:34 AM

    So apparently Djent has emo chorus’s now too.

    >.<
    the sad thing is… I used to know the guitarist from this band on the seymour duncan guitar forums… <.< but he's part of the problem.

    • #13 by Garrett on December 5, 2013 - 8:19 PM

      Are you saying you don’t like Djent or just goin along with the joke of the article? there are no emo chorus’s in Periphery lol Periphery is sweet.

    • #14 by Nope on December 6, 2013 - 3:41 AM

      Nope.

    • #15 by Cm on December 6, 2013 - 2:14 PM

      There is nothing emo about this, dude

  8. #16 by Shevanel on March 28, 2012 - 12:16 PM

    Through my experience with Djent I have also found that sometimes one will begin to walk and complete other daily tasks such as breathing and speaking in strange time signatures as well

  9. #17 by Spaced Ranger on April 1, 2012 - 6:48 AM

    It must be bad, I’m getting a headache just reading the article.

    • #18 by akzer0 on December 5, 2013 - 8:05 PM

      listen to i am kollosass meshuggah you won’t be the same again

  10. #19 by Demonator on May 27, 2012 - 9:59 PM

    It also appears that listening to djent gives one the urge to go into life or death arguments on what djent “really is.”

  11. #20 by Kieran on December 11, 2012 - 4:55 AM

    WOW you guys are just completely messed up in the heads

  12. #21 by Kieran on December 11, 2012 - 5:13 AM

    WOW you guys are just a bunch of saps, eating up this bullshit

    progressive metal is the best, i don’t know who decided to generate these ludicrous false ideas of melodramatic nonsense. but they’re pretty glib whoever it is.

    The only reason i can think of people acting out like this, is where they love the music from the grooves to the impacting time signatures. and have got into it so much that they can’t get it out of their heads from how revelatory it has been to them. and even then i couldn’t see people acting like this; apart from maybe tapping in beat displacements all that radical jazz

    anyway check this out and tell me you still think this music shit.

    + djent is not a genre. you’re all thinking of progressive groove metal………….morons

  13. #22 by Kieran on December 11, 2012 - 5:26 AM

    + i forgot to mention this genre, djent (as you like to refer to it) is all in straight 4/4 with the occasional 1st beat starting on the 3rd bar of the last bar and cool stuff like that.

    they very very rarely do the odd time signatures you’ve accused them of.
    i mean some of the bands you’ve accused above, are in 4/4

    and since when has being technical been a crime, it takes genuine musicians with raw talent to produce this kind of work.

    nobody wants to make retarded music anymore for simpletons. from the acts like miley cyrus to J.L.S

    you guys should all be ashamed for putting your personal issues on these artists!

    • #23 by AJ on April 14, 2014 - 3:13 AM

      Kieran, please immediately shut all kinds of fuck up. This is clearly satire. Getting butthurt is precisely what you’re not meant to do.

  14. #24 by Han Solo on February 14, 2013 - 2:10 AM

    I am a brave survivor of this growing Djent epidemic. It started innocently with a friend exposing me to a new sound that quickly consumed my body and mind. I was sick, the music was SICK-er, and I F*cking loved it.

    well if Djent is potentially life threatening, this will push you over the edge..

  15. #25 by Jeffrey on December 5, 2013 - 6:41 PM

    My turn. The Pikasso Guitar Metheny is playing has 42 strings. Let’s at least have one thing be real in the article. ;-) And yes it is quite the funny article.

  16. #26 by akzer0 on December 5, 2013 - 7:54 PM

    my first listen of D’jent was back when i found out about meshuggah’s new vid i am kollssas it was like listening to a snuff song its not that future breath machine effected me but there new stuff has computerized aural traces and a dark advint growl vocals it sounds worse than deathcore i know now i have developed schizophrenia thanks meshuggah you’ve made me not want to be a metalhead anymore

  17. #27 by Jenson Manning on December 5, 2013 - 7:55 PM

    If you believe this you are a sucker, I listen Djent all the time XD

    • #28 by Keith Spillett on December 5, 2013 - 8:02 PM

      Get help immediately!!!!!

    • #29 by spiritual junkie on December 5, 2013 - 8:36 PM

      it has that slow guh guh guh sound on it i don’t know why people call it D’jent and i used to listen to a lot of rock metal and bass i can’t listen to music anymore because of it i didn’t have any problem with the whole genre just meshuggah’s new stuff; but D’jent makes you sick and dizzy because your listing to it too loud after i am kollosass and a bit of bleed i couldn’t handle any genre of music anymore and i’ve actually caught schizophrenia having fredrik’s voice telling me to kill myself or sell myself to satan i don’t believe in the illuminati or that faust stuff but i think there is a few messages in those two songs

  18. #30 by sage on December 5, 2013 - 10:52 PM

    LMFAO!!!!! I thought this was a joke do people really believe this shit

  19. #31 by Goran on December 6, 2013 - 8:34 AM

  20. #33 by daniel on December 7, 2013 - 7:19 AM

  21. #34 by Chris on December 9, 2013 - 2:10 PM

    I tried Djent once, I couldn’t sleep for weeks.

  22. #35 by Cockburn on January 29, 2014 - 1:13 PM

    I went home with a djent album a few months back. It seemed like a nice, decent, accessible album. Two weeks ago my penis started dripping this weird fluid…… I now know that not every djent album is as nice and pure as it seems

  23. #36 by Tyler Bird on May 13, 2014 - 2:17 PM

    I can’t stop laughing right now this is a joke lmao

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