Posts Tagged Sigh

Sigh to Remake “Scenes from Hell” in White Metal Style

Sigh_Scenes from Hell_whitewashed

Cover Art For “Scenes From Hell” Remake

 

Sigh will remake their classic album “Scenes from Hell”, Hollywood Records announced today. The remake will feature re-recordings of every track in the white metal style, and will be mixed and mastered by a white producer with a degree in white noise engineering from White University.

Fans will be able to buy the album in five formats — white MP3, white CD, white vinyl, white cassette, and white collector’s edition box set. The white collector’s edition box set will include a white Sigh patch, a white notebook containing drafts of lyrics from the original recording process written in white ink, and rare photos of the Japanese band’s “Scenes from Hell” line-up at their palest.

Five white, still-unnamed white metal musicians have signed on to play the roles of Mirai Kawashima, Dr. Mikannibal, Shinichi Ishikawa, Satoshi Fujinami, and Junichi Harashima. Stryper’s Michael Sweet is rumoured to play Kawashima, the enigmatic and charismatic harsh vocalist and multi-instrumentalist of Sigh.

Originally released on January 19, 2010 through white label The End Records, “Scenes from Hell” is Sigh’s eighth full-length studio album. Its instrumental line-up includes a real string quartet, and real orchestral instruments, such as the flute, the clarinet, the French horn, the trumpet, the trombone, the tuba, etc. White string quartet Eklipse, and white orchestra New York Philharmonic will fill those white instrumental roles in the remake.

Anticipating that fans might find the contrast between the remake’s white personnel and the mandatory black background in upcoming press photos to be too glaring, Kawashima said: “Don’t worry about squinting at the photos. Hollywood Records has shelled out big bucks for visual effects tests that will ‘yellowify’ the five remake musicians to make them easier on the eyes.”

“This will be done without making them look like ghosts or shells of their former selves,” he added.

A white metal journalist has also been reportedly hired to pen new liner notes for the remake.

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A Sadomasochistic Review of Sigh “In Somniphobia”

All that is left in my world is Sigh’s new album “In Somniphobia”.  I love it.  I can’t stop playing it.  Over and over and over and over again.  I love it so much I want to rip off my shirt and paint the letters S-I-G-H across my chest and run around the local Walgreens screaming at the top of my lungs. I want to beat myself over the head repeatedly with a claw hammer until I do such severe damage to my hippocampus that I forget I’ve heard the album just so I can have the pleasure of experiencing it again for the first time.  I long to leap off of a bell tower screaming the lyrics at the horrified spectators.  I dream of ripping each of my teeth out and sending it to members of the band to thank them for all the joy they have brought to me.

My love for it transcends all possible love I could experience.  I want to go to a beautiful meadow, set out a picnic blanket and caress the album telling it all the things I know in my heart and have been afraid to say.  I want to run through a field with it in my arms, laughing girlishly, dancing to the wonderful sounds of the wind whipping through the grass.  I want to whisper lovingly into the albums ear, telling it my deepest secrets and most personal desires.  Surrender unconditionally to its alluring charms.  Bathe it in pure, unadulterated affection.

I feel jealous that others will have the chance to hear this album.  When I think of others listening to this album I am filled with rage.  I will kill them.  I will grind their bones into dust.  It is my album.  Mine!  Their love is cheap and tawdry while mine is filled with the sincerity and innocence of a child.  They cannot feel what I feel for this album.  They are mere mortals while I have been imbued with the gift of second sight by the god Amen-Ra.  They live shallow, meaningless lives.  Their love will flicker and fade the minute something else comes along.  My attraction will never fade, no matter what happens.  If nuclear bombs reign down on the city of Atlanta and all around me is melted and disintegrated, the only thing left will be my boney, skeletal fingers embracing the album, stroking its brow.

Don’t listen to the album.  You and the mortals around you don’t deserve it. I’ll know if you are listening to it because I’m in front of your house right now.  Watching you.  I was at the supermarket yesterday when you bought two bags of pork rinds for 2 dollars and 28 cents. I saw you stop at the gas station and get approximately 8 gallons of gas.  I know that you stopped in Hot Topic at 3:45 just to look around.  You didn’t buy anything.  I am watching you all the time.  Even as you sleep.  If you dare to listen to this album, I will tie you to a chair and feed you hundreds of pounds cheese dip until either your stomach bursts or your entire body explodes.

I’d give it a 2,389,124 out of 10.  I am currently in the process of undergoing a medical procedure to add an additional thumb so I can give it 3 thumbs up.   There will never be anything better.  Music as we know it is over.  People should not even bother to try to create anything else.  This is the pinnacle, the zenith, the apogee, the climax of all civilization.  It is the Hanging Gardens, the Taj Mahal, the Great Pyramid of Giza, the Mausoleum at Halicarnassus.  There is no future, there is no past, there is only Sigh’ “In Somniphobia”.

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