In a bold stunning act of remarkable leadership, President-Elect Donald Trump has announced that he will begin his second term rocking out to the music of two all-time heavy metal greats together on the stage for the first time.  One of Trump’s major campaign promises during his most recent campaign has been to “have the most metal Presidency of all time”.  So, our great leader has seized on the Inaugural Ball to “Make America Metal Again” by putting together a show for the ages.

What do you mean I’m playing the Inaugural Ball?

Former Metallica guitarist Dave Mustaine has always been a favorite musician of the President-Elect.  Trump once claimed to own every single Megadeth album on vinyl and has seen his band play at least 30 times, including driving his vintage 1988 I-Roc for 35 consecutive hours to get from New York City to Phoenix, Arizona because he had heard rumors the band planned to do a rare performance of the song “Killing is My Business…and Business Is Good” during their encore.  On the campaign trail, Trump often would send his audience into raucous screams of joy by ripping off his shirt and revealing his Vic Rattlehead chest tattoo.

While our dynamic and magnificent leader has been a Megadeth fan since he first heard them in middle school, he has only recently warmed to Iced Earth.  He seemed to enjoy some of the band’s music, occasionally praising the album “Horrorshow” publicly, but many Americans questioned his commitment to the band after he referred to them as a “second-tier metal act” during the 2018 State of the Union address, a comment that drew rare boos from fellow Republican lawmakers as well as from the filthy and degenerate members of the Democratic Party.  However, in recent months, Trump has begun meetings with his future Cabinet members by playing “Night of The Stormrider” in its entirety before allowing them to speak.  He even did a campaign stop in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania in order to pay his respects to the thirty minute “Gettysburg” Trilogy on the classic Iced Earth album “The Glorious Burden”.

Schaffer, who has recently struggled with irresponsible attacks by the highly partisan American judicial system, hasn’t performed in Washington DC since 2021.  In recent months, Schaffer has been a fixture at Mar-a-Lago, advising the president on a wide range of issues from drop C tuning to monetary policy.  Some insiders have speculated that he is on the President-Elect’s shortlist of potential replacements for Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell when his term expires in 2026.  Trump has even hinted a change at the Fed could be coming sooner if the price of milk does not drop below forty dollars a gallon by the end of the year.

Regardless of what role Schaffer and Mustaine will have in the new administration, the incoming President has made a strong statement by combining these two metal heavyweights to cap off the evening’s celebration.  Initially, The Village People and Billy Ray Cyrus were scheduled as co-headliners, but the President-Elect insisted that the celebration be a reflection of the old school metal vibe he plans to bring to this great nation.

To round out this fearsome quartet, Trump has called upon System of a Down drummer John Dolmayan and future Ambassador to Israel and bassist Mike Huckabee.  There has even been speculation that conservative guitar legend and incoming Secretary of Defense Ted Nugent might join the band on stage for a show-stopping solo during the encore.  

The group has been feverishly working secretly for the past few weeks in preparation for the event.  This was a challenge for each band member, but for Schaffer in particular, who is not only a musician but an entrepreneur.  He recently founded Maced Earth, a company that sells a wide range of hunting equipment including bear spray, stunguns and guillotines.  But, these Americans put our great nation above all else in order to give the best performance they can on January 20th, a day so important many Americans have demanded it be made into a holiday.

Special Thanks To The Pollunator Gonkulator for his reporting