Posts Tagged Jeffrey Dahmer

Researchers Claim A Glass of The Heavy Metals A Day Is Like Going To The Gym For Nine Hours

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Researchers at the Jeff Hanneman Institute For Heavy Metal Studies in Ragnarok, West Virginia have made a startling discovery. And guess what? Heavy Metal!

That’s right! Just one cup of The Heavy Metals a day is the equivalent of going to the gym for nine hours. Or wrestling a baby otter. Or walking on the intestinal tract of your Aunt Peggy. Or Alaska. Or butter. Or dressing up as Jeffrey Dahmer and inviting your neighbors over for dinner. Or learning archery. Or eating forty pounds of asbestos out of the head of a unicorn. Or beating Steve Harvey to death with the word “manbun”. Or lice!

And that’s not all! The Heavy Metals is light, portable and belongs inside the stomach of a walrus.   Some The Heavy Metals have been known to increase your metabolism as much as 75 parsecs. Power metal, for example, allowed one woman in Brighton Beach, New York to lose 750 pounds in one hour.

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Other of The Heavy Metals can be dangerous. Perhaps even experimental. Doom metal, or sludge metal as doom metal bands call it, can cause hardening of the arteries in lab rats. Which is why it is critical to stay out of the arteries of lab rats when drinking doom metal. But, if you have had too much doom metal, it is critical that you do not consume an automobile. Most accidents take place within three blocks of the elephant. So, arrive alive, don’t Doom and Drive.

Meanwhile, researchers in some town I can’t spell in Connecticut have discovered that a diet filled with Omega-7 Grindcore is critical for inter-dimensional travel. And that’s not all! Twelve servings of grindcore an hour (roughly 100,000 songs) is found to contain enough vitamin Q-9 to fill half of the Grand Canyon with lettuce flavored Jell-O.

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Also, researchers have found that you are going to die. Not some fictive version of you that you’ve created in your mind out of characters on television and in movies, but the real thing. You can drink all The Heavy Metals you want and God won’t save you. Or his son either. Neither really care about your existential state or they would have been much more clear about how to handle it. They would have issued you a book of directions that was more helpful than a bunch of stories about bald guys having 42 children killed by bears (2 Kings 2:23) or talking donkeys (Numbers 22:28). I don’t need your metaphors, Lord, I need an ending for this article.

But you won’t find one here! The Heavy Metals have deducted my reason. I ate 10 million The Heavy Metals and all I got was this lousy mountain.

I have seen the enemy and it is THEM. I have seen the future and it is THEM. It’s all on tilt. We need Trump.

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Op-Ed Response to the Sarah Palin Oystergate Scandal

If you want to find out what started this whole mess, here’s a link to the original article.

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There have been many scathing editorials written throughout America on the Sarah Palin Oystergate Scandal.  This recent item was a column that appeared in this morning’s Fort Worth Examiner. Jonathan Winthrop, who is referred to in his bio as a “true, red blooded patriot”, writes a weekly column for the paper called “America:  Love It or Leave It or Don’t”.

Even Bloodier Libel

By Jonathan Winthrop

If there’s one thing Americans have had enough of its Sarah Palin bashing.  First, the liberal media machine said she was not “intellectual” enough to join their little club.  Next, they said her words were causing deranged loners to turn violent.  Now, they are saying that she hates Swedes.  By the end of the year, they’ll be accusing her of the Kennedy assassination, breaking into the Watergate Hotel and turning Jeffery Dahmer into a cannibal.  It is interesting that every time that Kenyan in the White House has his poll numbers drop or has to go to the sentencing of one of his former Chicago cronies, Sarah Palin says something that gets herself in trouble.  If one looks closely, it starts to become obvious that the Obama administration, along with the wealthy Hungarian-American George Soros, are behind this latest round of Sarah bashing.  Sound crazy?  Let’s look at the facts.

First of all, lets clear up the comments made by Palin.  We need to face the uncomfortable fact that much of what Palin said is true.  Unless they started having elections recently without me noticing, Sweden is a socialist country.  Tax rates for the average Swede are right around 99.3 percent.  According to several studies, the average Swede works two and a half hours a week.  Yet, for less than 12 hours of work a month, Swedes have full health care, a chauffeured limousine ride once a week to the local “free store” and are given up to four massages a month.  And who pays for all these perks? Why the taxpayer, of course!

From a young age, Swedes are taught not to work.  The most commonly used Civics Textbook in Swedish classrooms is a malignant piece of socialist propaganda called “Why Work…The Government Will Pay You Anyway”.  The crime rate among Swedish teens is appalling.  By the age of 15, 1 in 2 Swedes has committed a violent crime, stolen a car or missed more than 10 days of school in a year.  Most young Swedes wile away their time hanging out with friends or listening to violent so-called “heavy metal music” or surfing on the Internet in these things they like to call “chat rooms”.  Their government sponsored schools and socialist parents are getting them ready for a life of reading Lenin, taking government handouts and mugging senior citizens all while the US tax payer foots the bill.  In this context, Palin’s point makes a good deal of sense.  Do we want our young men and women forsaking their commitment to truth, justice and the American way and becoming like young Swedes? I, for one, do not.

Much of the rest of the story includes your usual cast of characters.  Wildly inaccurate MSNBC stories, articles written by deranged (George Soros sponsored) bloggers and money hungry former employees and their fictitious accounts of anti-Swedish tirades by the Palin family.  All the while, the Obama administration skillfully manipulates the media into anti-Sarah commentary and Swede-baiting.  It is not a coincidence that several of the states with large Swedish-American populations were toss-up states during the 2008 election.  Minnesota, Wisconsin and Indiana could all sway the 2012 election in favor of Obama.  The Obama administration, a ruthless organization of Chicago pols bent on forcing all working people to their knees at the altar of Godless Islamic Communism, is again playing puppet master, pulling the strings of the media in order to force good people to believe bad things.

Before we join in with the legions of torch carrying former 60’s love children eager to step on the throats of hard working Americans with their collective Birkenstocks, let’s remember the lessons of 9/11.  The price of freedom is eternal vigilance.  The price of eternal vigilance is abiding loyalty.  The price of abiding loyalty is everlasting devotion. Let us never forget the dream our forefathers struggled and died for.  Let us never forget the price some have paid and others may pay and still others haven’t paid.  We must defend freedom!  We must defend liberty!  We must defend Sarah!

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An Open Letter to the Beatles

Crossing the street…or CROSSING THE LINE?!?!

Dear Paul, Ringo, John and The Other Guy,

I was driving my children to swimming lessons yesterday and your song “All You Need Is Love” came on the radio.  I had never really listened to the words in this song, but as a concerned parent, I decided to try to listen to the words that my children were hearing.  What I heard was truly shocking!  I find the message in this song to be deeply troubling and, as a concerned parent, I beg you to do what you can to stop radio stations from playing this song.

I’m sure that you thought that you were just writing another silly love song and, I mean, what’s wrong with that?  But, if you really think about the message in the song, I think you’ll come to understand why it disturbed me so much.  Imagine for a second, that an impressionable child heard this song and took it seriously.  Clearly, human beings need a good deal more than love to survive.  They need food, shelter, clothes (preferably from a decent designer), and air.  What if an impressionable child heard this song and decided to stop eating completely?  His concerned parents would beg him to eat but he would not.  What if, as he widdled away to the size of a twig, slowly starving to death and his concerned parents, now grief-stricken, asked him why he was doing this and he replied “Because the Beatles told me all I need is love”?  Could you live with your selves?

What if, even worse, he just decided to stop breathing? He could die within a moment or two giving the concerned parents only a few seconds to react.  What if his friends saw him stop breathing and thought that it was the “cool” thing to do?  What if hundreds, thousands of children stopped breathing just to not be “square”?  It could be an epidemic of epidemic proportions! Children, falling over dead in classrooms across America, with the words “All You Need Is Love” passing though their blue lips as they meet their maker.  Is that what you want?

Music has a major effect on the ideas of young people.  Do you know what Jeffrey Dahmer, Adolf Hitler, and Ted Bundy have in common?  As young men, they all listened to music.  And look what suffering they caused!

I demand that you stop allowing this song to be played on radio stations everywhere.  I also ask that you never fill our children’s souls with such blasphemous, anti-social ideas by playing this live.  Until you agree to stop this madness, I and a group of like-minded concerned parents, plan to boycott love.  We will not express love in words or actions.  We even plan on starting all tennis games at 15 so that no person ever has love.

Yours truly,

 

A Concerned Parent

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