Posts Tagged Venom

Protests Erupt as Tyler Perry’s “Diary of A Mad Black Metal Artist” Starring Dani Filth Opens On Broadway

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Tyler Perry is not usually one for controversy.  His plays and movies typically portray painfully uninteresting people wandering through hackneyed plots repeating the sort of dialogue that could have easily been generated by a computer that has been fed the scripts from the top grossing comedies of the past 30 years.  They are meant only to offend members of the John Birch Society and people who thought the whole cross-dressing bit in Mrs. Doubtfire took things “a bit too far”.

However, Perry’s recent foray into playwriting has been met by a flurry of criticism from the heavy metal community.  Last Thursday, “Diary of A Mad Black Metal Artist”, the latest in the Madea series, opened on Broadway.  Dani Filth, lead singer of the black metal band Cradle of Filth, plays the irascible but lovable grandmother usually played by Perry himself.

The story opens when Namond Brice, a good-natured young man with a penchant for getting in trouble in school, is sent by his parents Wee-Bay and De’Londa to live for a summer with live with his grandmother in order to teach him respect and discipline.  Madea, who has just returned from a tour of Europe with her black metal band Carpathian Melanoma, at first struggles to relate to Namond and forces him to spend weeks being tortured in a homemade dungeon.  Soon, however, the two bond over their love of Venom’s “Prime Evil” album and a deep, lasting relationship is formed.  When bloodthirsty leechpeople attack Madea’s farmhouse, Namond uses a flamethrower to kill them and save his beloved grandmother.

In spite of fairly positive reviews from critics, many metalheads are enraged that Dani Filth was cast in the lead as Madea.  “We stridently object to Dani Filth being cast in a play about black metal,” said BlaK Dan Krutzmeyer, head of Black Metal Fans For Decency, Purity and The Nordic Way.  “To refer to Dani as being a black metal artist is a blatant mischaracterization of the black metal community.  His band is, at best, gothic rock, at worst, a plague visited upon the human race to punish us for not bowing down in worship of The Gorgon.”

Krutzmeyer’s group has spent the past 76 hours blocking the entrance to The Eugene O’Neil Theater to try to stop people from attending the play.  Several of the protestors have thrown fake blood on theatergoers.  Three have even gone as far as to catapult bubonic plague infected bodies at members of the cast. Most of the 300 protestors have been arrested, including Krutzmeyer himself.

Perry has been astounded by the reaction to his latest play.  “I have worked hard throughout my entire career to create the most unimaginative, pedestrian, bromidic possible pabulum.  Having someone getting upset about one of my scripts is like seeing someone banging their fists with rage because their local supermarket doesn’t carry 2 percent milk.  My work should be seen as a marketing strategy, certainly not as some deeply significant cultural artifact worth getting arrested over.  Metalheads are some truly messed up people.”

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Chicago Teachers Strike After Venom Is Banned From Classrooms

Chicago’s pro-Venom teacher strike has entered its second week with little hope of a quick resolution.  The strike, started by teachers in response to Mayor Rahm Emmanuel’s order to shelve the controversial “Cronos In The Classroom” program, has left parents struggling to find childcare and students ecstatic over not having to be crammed into overcrowded classrooms while being pushed from standardized test to standardized test like a mindless herd of cattle.

Chicago teachers began using Venom songs to help students improve in reading and mathematics.  One unit of the program, “Algebra with Abaddon” teaches 8th graders by using problems like this:  Chuck has 25 human heads collected for the Dark Lord Satan in his basement while Li has only collected 12.  If Li collects 5 heads a month and Chuck only collects 3, when will Li have more heads than Chuck and get to wear the Mark of the Beast?

The program, started by former Flesh Eating Head Wound bassist and 9th grade Chicago public school English teacher Matt Strobe in 2006, was meant to teach basic skills in a way that is fun and engaging.  “Much of what students see in the classroom feels disconnected and alien.  Many of our students are heavily involved in Satan worship and animal sacrifice.  The program was meant to speak to them in a language they understand and can relate to,” declared Strobe during a recent interview with the Chicago Sun Times.

The program was being used in fifteen schools when Emmanuel pulled the plug on it.   In spite of being wildly popular with the students and being cited as a major reason that attendance has dramatically improved, Emmanuel felt the program had to go. “Obviously, there were issues over the content of the Venom songs being used.  Satanic murder rampages are not something a school should endorse.  Still, that wasn’t the main issue.  We stopped the program because test scores in math and reading had declined,” said Emmanuel in a press conference last Monday.

The program has been replaced with one called “Consumer Magic”, a series of units meant to teach test taking skills and breed mindless obedience to authority figures and corporations.  “Consumer Magic” has been tested in several cities and has led to higher test scores and a stronger willingness by students to engage in positive social activities like shopping and repeating what well-educated adults have already said.

For teachers, the end of a program like “Cronos in the Classroom” was enough to send them to the picket line.  One possible compromise is the introduction of a program called “From Bathory to The Boardroom”, a mix of satanic, death-affirming values, corporate ideology and time tested learning strategies.  The program is being considered by both the teachers union and the city and might offer a way out of the current impasse.

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Satan Suspended Indefinitely For “Soul Bounties”; Cronos Named Interim Devil

On Wednesday, God suspended Satan indefinitely from his role as Devil for promising demons as much as 10,000 dollars for each soul they lured into temptation.  Satan’s two head assistants, a gargoyle named Thoth and former American President Ronald Reagan, received slightly lighter suspensions of up to 5000 years, but may be reinstated earlier if they successfully complete anger management classes.

While it was well within Satan’s purview to try to encourage poor behavior on the part of human beings, offering cash incentives for their souls was going a step to far.  Yesterday, the Lord released a statement highlighting examples of the many violations and stating that this sort of “encouragement towards lawlessness and immorality is outside of the bounds of what we call fair play.”

When confronted with this statement, Satan didn’t hesitate to fire back.  “Wait, so I’m getting scolded about morality by the guy was responsible for the extinction of nearly the entire populations of Sodom and Gomorrah.  This is the same God who, on a bet, let me destroy the life of one of his most committed servants, Job. You’ll excuse me; I have to go throw up,” sneered Satan as he spat upon the ground.

In Satan’s absence, Venom frontman Cronos has been named Interim Dark Lord until Satan’s reinstatement. Cronos is a veteran of the dark arts having served in Satan’s Army since 1981.  Cronos even had brief experience running Hell back in 1986 when Satan broke five of his legs in a terrible water skiing accident.

Cronos has many exciting new plans he has considered for Hell including an open mic night, the addition of all-you-can sin brothels and building a stadium in an attempt to lure the Buffalo Bills to Hell, giving the Underworld its first pro sports team since the 1976 Oakland Raiders.

Experts believe that Cronos is a good fit for the position and could bring untold glory to Hell.  However, many fans were disappointed when their first choice, former Giants and Jets coach Bill Parcells, turned the job down.  While Parcells was a flashier name, those around the game respect Cronos for his undying commitment to poisoning the human race with heavy metal and believe that he will be the perfect choice to get Hell back on track.

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Satan To Metal Bands: “Stop Writing Songs About Me Already!”

Satan During Last Friday's Exclusive Tyranny of Tradition Interview

Last Friday, we got a chance to catch up with Satan over at the Starbucks in Alpharetta, Georgia.  The Dark Prince and I sat down over Frappuccinos and discussed his life and career.  He was remarkably candid with me about the challenges that he has faced as the most powerful force of evil in the known universe.  We also discussed the current state of heavy metal.  Here are some highlights from our interview….

Tyranny:  So, Satan, what are some of your proudest achievements?

Satan:  Well, I’m particularly proud of greed.  Watching people gets so worked up over the stories they tell themselves about lifeless material is really a joy to watch.  I’m also very partial to vanity.  It’s the best gateway drug ever invented.  If you can get people to believe that there is something remarkable about themselves that they have and others don’t you can get them to do just about anything to protect it.  Who needs to fill a church with demons and ghouls when you can simply fill one of the ministers with an over abundance of self-interest?  You give me twenty seconds and a mirror and I can do pure magic.

Tyranny:  As the devil, you face many challenges.  Tell me about a few of them.

Satan:  Well, human beings have a remarkable capacity for love.  They are often willing to give of themselves when they are clear they will get nothing in return.  You see it all the time if you know what you are looking for.  You have no idea how frustrating this is for me.  Sure, I’ve managed to convince some people that all acts are essentially selfish.  I’ve planted the idea of human nature in people so they think they can never be any better than those who came before them.  But, some people simply choose to ignore this and try to turn the world into a place of empathy and compassion.  Those people make my job a nightmare.

Tyranny:  What do you think about the current state of heavy metal?

Satan:  Honestly, I’m just tired of people writing songs about me.  Stop it already!  Please!  I mean, when Venom or Bathory were doing it, it was kinda cool.  I was flattered.  After 30 years and literally thousands of songs about my powers, I’m just tired of it.  Slayer fans are the worst.  I can’t even go to their concerts anymore because people just scream my name the whole time.  You try enjoying the drum solo in Angel of Death with a bunch of bearded lunatics screaming your name over and over.  It’s annoying.

Tyranny:  Do you think this stems from a general lack of creativity in metal?

Satan:  There is plenty of creativity in metal; it’s just that the audience often prefers the comfort of what they already know.  Some of the best experiments out there fall on deaf ears.  I try to discourage creativity because it can lead to joy and freedom in the minds of humans. It’s one of the things I’ve never been able to beat out of people.  To fight it, I have had to come up with some very unique solutions.  Case in point, every once in a while I plant a bad creative idea in order to discourage bands from thinking outside of the box.  To show them that their ideas could lead them to being humiliated.  Then, I encourage legions of angry and sad people to savage them on message boards in order to drive the point home.

Tyranny:  Can you give me an example?

Satan:  Sure.  The Metallica/Lou Reed thing was my idea.  That should set creativity further back then The McCarthy Hearings.

Tyranny:  If you could leave the reader with one quick idea, what would it be?

Satan:  Vote Gingrich!!!!!

Tyranny:  Thanks for your time.  By the way, thanks for your help promoting the Santorum article!

Satan:  No problem!  And thank you for your soul.

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Venom Singer Saddened By Royal Snub

Uncle Cronos

There is one Brit who is still waiting for his invitation to tomorrow’s wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton.  Cronos (Conrad Lant), the bass player and singer from the band Venom, has checked his mailbox everyday patiently waiting for a message that may never come.  Why would the lead singer of a band that recorded songs like “Sons of Satan” expect an invite to one of the most sacred and important events in Britain this century?  Cronos is, in fact, Kate Middleton’s uncle.

As hard as this may be to believe for many metalheads, Cronos is the brother of Kate’s mom Mary Lant.  In an exclusive interview with The Tyranny of Tradition, Cronos revealed that he had a close relationship with Kate from the time she was a baby.  “We were on tour supporting the Welcome to Hell album when I got the call.   Little Katy was about to be born.  The band and I cancelled the show and rushed to the hospital.  I’ll never forget when I held her for the first time.  Abaddon and I broke down in tears.  It was beautiful,” recalled Cronos.

Cronos was always a big part of the future princesses life.  She grew up going to Venom concerts and was even in the studio when the band recorded their third album “At War With Satan”.  “Mantas had this great idea to have her voice mixed into the background of the song “Aaaaaarrghh” but it we were never able to get it to sound right.”

As Kate got older she got more involved with the band.  “She started playing drums at age 7 and even sat in with us a few times during concerts.  She played Buried Alive with us at a show in Coventry back during the reunion in 1995 and was amazing.  She reminded me a lot of Dave Lombardo.”

When the royal couple first started dating Kate promised Cronos that they might play at the wedding if the two ever decided to tie the knot.  “She had this whole idea about us playing Countess Bathory during the part of the service where she walked up to the altar.  I thought it was crazy, but she kept bringing the idea up. I’d have been honored to play her wedding.”

Cronos was in touch with Kate as recently as seven months ago, but since the wedding announcement she has not returned any of his phone calls.  “She used to call me her favorite uncle.  She loved singing songs with me when she was a little girl.  We used to sing the song “Black Metal” together.  She loved doing the growling part at the end.  Now she won’t even talk to me.”

There have been few mentions of Cronos’ relationship with Kate in the British press.  He believes the royal family has conspired to keep the Kate Middleton/Venom connection out of the media.  “There used to be video of her playing with us up on YouTube, but that was mysteriously taken down months ago.  I feel like they are embarrassed by my career as one of the founding fathers of Satan influenced thrash metal.  I’m not trying to get famous out of this or make money.  I just want my Little Katy back.”

 

 

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To Be And Not To Be

Sometimes simple written juxtapositions can simply shutdown the inner workings of one’s mind.  Zen Buddhism uses koans for this exact purpose.  Mediating on the sound of one hand clapping or why Joshu would bother cutting a cat in half with a pair of shoes on his head are the psychological equivalent of throwing the emergency brake on a Ford Escort while doing 110 miles per hour on the Santa Monica Freeway.  If a person pays attention and is tuned into the general weirdness of the universe it becomes apparent that these bizarre feats of language are everywhere.

This evening I found one such “accidental” koan on Yahoo Sports. It managed to make all of the synapses in my brain stop dead in their tracks.  The current sports media obsession revolves around the potential trade of basketball star Carmelo Anthony to the New Jersey Nets.  About an hour ago, I read a headline that said “Anthony To Meet With Nets”. Below it was a headline that said, with equal certainty, “Nets Not Meeting With Anthony”.

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!!!!

If these two headlines are read together they can cause severe damage to one’s cerebellum.  How can Carmelo Anthony meet with the Nets while the Nets are not meeting with him?  Does this mean that Anthony is in the room with members of Nets management who are spontaneously ignoring him?  The Nets are trying to trade for him….why would they be so outwardly hostile towards him?  Imagine Carmelo busting into a hotel room filled with Nets brass watching the All-Star 3-point shooting contest.  At first, Carmelo talks softly, then he shouts and screams, but the Nets front office simply sits silently avoiding whatever Carmelo does.  They shun him.  Carmelo jumps in front of the television, he begins to sing the theme song from “Green Acres”, he pulls his liver out of his body and begins chewing on it….no response.  What am I to make of these conflicting headlines?!?!?!

I need to know how this is possible.  Maybe the two things ARE happening at the same time.  Carmelo is in an alternate universe discussing his plans to go to New Jersey while in another dimension the Nets refuse to meet with him.  Maybe there are two Carmelo Anthonys in this world and two sets of different Nets.  Carmelo A is meeting with Nets A while Carmelo B and Nets B avoid each other.  What if these two dimensions simultaneously converged upon on another and Anthony was traded to the Nets while he remained untraded?  The Nets of the Nether Dimension would have added a 20 point per game scorer while the Nets of our current universe would still be stuck with Devin Harris and a bunch of guys in the witness protection program.  What if the Nether Dimension Nets played the Carmeloless real world Nets?  Who would win?  If Carmelo scores 22 points in the Nether Dimension and 20 in the real universe, does it mean he’s scored 42 points?  How would the NBA possibly track these statistics? Wouldn’t he have an advantage over, say,  Kobe Bryant who is currently only allowed to play in one dimension?

What if the Nets got crafty and traded for BOTH Carmelo Anthonys?  This would probably kill their salary cap number but they would have added two All-Star caliber players.  I wonder if the two could co-exist?  Is there room in New Jersey for one Carmelo Anthony?  How about two?  If the Nets learn to master the art of dimensional travel it is entirely possible that they could assemble a team of all Carmelo Anthonys.  Twelve 20 point per game scorers on one team!?!?!  They’d average 240 points per game!!!!  They’d win the NBA title four or five times possibly in the same year.  What if other teams caught on to their multi-dimensional strategy?  LeBron James’ PR image issue would be gone.  He could simply sign with EVERY team in the NBA.  They’d love him again…EVERYWHERE!  In other sports this could be huge.  The Yankees would certainly go out and sign Albert Pujols 47 times.  They’d have Albert Pujols selling tickets, serving hotdogs, playing first base, exterminating bugs, and on and on and on.

Eventually, it is possible to create a worldwide army of Carmelo’s marching towards endless victory. Millions upon millions of Carmelos pulled from millions of different dimensions.  Imagine an enemy army trying to hold a city when thousands of 6’9 small forwards come racing over a wall.  Who could stop them?  They could forever change the world balance of power.  What if a foreign government got their hands on a Carmelo dimensional prototype?  They could create a nation of anti-American Carmelo Anthonys.  The thought is terrifying.

Maybe I’ve taken this too far.  I’m no longer sure of anything. I was having a perfectly normal night trying to find You Tube clips of professional boxers fighting kangaroos when this madness seeped into my brain.  Yahoo owes me a basic explanation as to how a man can be doing something and not doing it at the same time.  I will not rest until I’ve gotten one.

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