Posts Tagged North Dekalb Mall

The Truth Revealed

Greetings everyone, my name is Matthew Bailey. I’m a blogger over at Left Hook from Right Field and a close friend of one Keith Spillett. Like you, I spend upwards of 14 hours a day online, reading Tyranny of Tradition. I’ve come to find this wonderful blog as the most influential online news source of this generation, or any. Thanks to Keith’s fantastic writing and knack for those “special” news stories, I have learned about King Diamond’s political career, Rick Santorum’s war on heavy metal and all sorts of fun facts about Cronos. I have come to see the Tyranny of Tradition as not only a source of entertainment, but my best link to my surrounding world and the most fun way to spend time at the office, when I’m pretending to do work.

But friends, I have to tell you something which is so shocking, so heinous that I may very well be risking my life by doing so…Keith Spillett is a liar! That’s right, it turns out, these so called “news articles” are nothing more than satire. My neighbor, John Fredricksten, told me that Bert Reynolds once said, “Satire is the lowest form of literature, worse than readers digest.” I have to concur here. Any idiot could write satire, hell Thomas Paine wrote satire and he lived in France for a stretch! No, my friends, Keith Spillett isn’t the genius you all thought him to be, he’s really nothing more than a poor man’s Mark Twain, a purveyor of exactly the kind of low brow literature that led to the demise of that great America we all loved in the 1870s.

I first began to become suspicious of Keith when he claimed he interviewed Dave Mustaine at North Dekalb Mall, a popular shopping destination, located outside of Atlanta, Georgia. You see, first of all, Dave Mustaine played a concert that night in Santa Fe and I seriously doubt that he would have had the time to do an interview, fight his way through Atlanta traffic, catch a flight and have the time to make the stage in time to deliver classic thrash metal songs in which he speaks during the verse and sings the chorus. And another thing! Keith specifically said in this blog that he was drinking an Orange Julius, a seemingly innocent fact, but in reality a telling truth. You see, once in 2006, I asked Keith if he liked Orange Juliuses, to which he replied, “they’re ok I guess.” Aha! This little slip got me suspicious, but oh, there’s more.

On January 9th of this year, Keith wrote a blog entitled, “Dickey Eaten by Mountain Lions, Mets Sign Christian Knuckleballer Tebow” Being an ardent sports fan, I found the blog informative and intriguing. In a pure stroke of genius, Mets GM Sandy Alderson somehow pushed aside the grief of losing one of his most reliable starting pitchers in a terrible accident, and signed one of the most popular and pure athletes of our time. Even though I’m a fan of the Atlanta Braves, I couldn’t wait for the approximate 645 annual Braves /Mets games, so that I could watch endless hours of Tebow coverage in my own hometown! I went to subway to celebrate by purchasing a footlong tuna sub for only $5, when I asked my wonderful sandwich maker, Doug, his opinion on the news. I couldn’t believe what he said…

“Tebow, on the Mets? Are you stupid? Tebow isn’t going to be pitching for the Mets. You see, my sister, Elizabeth, who we all call Beth for short, is a fortune teller or witch or something and she told me that Tebow would be traded to the Jets and for some odd reason, the media will actually care.” I generally shy away from confrontation, so I fought the tears as I quietly paid for my sandwich and fled the store to go somewhere and think. After eating my sub, I was still at a crossroads. What did this all mean? Why would Keith lie? What did he have to gain? After many hours of quiet meditation, I decided to just laugh off poor Doug and his delusional sister, I mean honestly, I knew his story was wrong, because why would the people of New York, who made two AFC Championships in the last three years care to trade for or give any media attention to Tim Tebow and potentially sabotage their young quaterback…it just didn’t add up.

But then it happened. Beth’s apocalyptic fantasy came to life. The media did care and poor Tim Tebow was subjected to unnecessary scrutiny and was even booed at a Yankees game. I felt my grip on reality slipping. I knew Keith had lied to me, but I didn’t know how. Then, late one night I read a book in which the word sarcasm was used. Being the recipient of a Georgia public education, I didn’t know what the word meant, so I looked it up. Not in a dictionary, but instead in a thesaurus, as the dictionary was upstairs and I didn’t feel like walking that far. That’s the first time I saw the word satire. From there, I delved into a world of liars, thieves and moral midgets. I subjected myself to things which most well-meaning people could only dream of. I read books by Aristophanes, watched Dr. Strangelove and in an act so masochistic that I have still yet to recover, listened to “Bad Hair Day” by Weird Al Yankovic. It turns out, there’s a whole subculture of sub-human creatures which not only participate in this vile form, but thrive in it. Apparently for all of written history, satir-philes have plagued our good earth with their filth.

But, how to confront Keith? I mean, I am the Godfather of his daughter and one of his closest friends. I couldn’t face him and risk a fight, not to mention risk becoming infected with Satircitis, myself. I had to think of a way to trick this disgusting man. So, I sent him a facebook message and asked if I could write a post on his blog about Andre the Giant coming back from the dead to star in a Bull Durham sequel. Of course, being so blinded by his satircism, he agreed. Instead I posted this.

It’s all a big nothing people. Keith hasn’t been delivering us up to the date news on our favorite irrelevant metal heroes. He’s been lying all along! He tricks you into spending upwards of four minutes, up to three times a week reading his deceitful literature, all so that he can click “like” on your facebook comments, complimenting his work. So, be free people! Read outstanding blogs by Anderson Cooper or Tony Kornheiser, because this Tyranny of Tradition is exposed. Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I’m free at last.

Matt’s blog “Left Hook From Right Field” is easily one of the best places in the filth-ridden sewer that is the internet.  Check it!

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83-Year-Old Ida Mae Thrasher Reviews In Solitude “The World, The Flesh, The Devil”

The new In Solitude album “The World. The Flesh. The Devil.” is simply remarkable.  Since I first heard it, I have been on nearly a non-stop In Solitude binge.  I’ve listened to it from beginning to end somewhere in the neighborhood of five times a day.  Whether I’m vacuuming, making dinner, or putting all of my issues of Boys’ Life magazine in alphabetical order, the album has been my constant companion.  I had a plan to review it, but I feel like I have lost all degree of journalistic objectivity.  The only way to truly get a fair assessment of this album is to turn it over to a stranger and see what they think.

This was not a simple task.  I live in the American South and, for the most part, strangers are to be feared.  I spent all day Thursday walking around the North Dekalb Mall in Atlanta asking people to sit with me for an hour listen to the record and answer some questions but was refused over and over again.  I even had a woman threaten to get her husband and have him “give me a beating”.  Six hours of rejection and nothing to show for it.  I needed a new plan.

Friday, I went to the park near the local Senior Center.  I immediately descended on a seemingly good natured woman sitting on a park bench who looked like she needed company and, more importantly, seemed like she’d have difficulty getting away quickly.  I spent 10 minutes talking to her about her life and her allergy to penicillin.  Her name was Ida Mae Thrasher.  It was too perfect!  This had to be the one!  I made the offer, but this time I had figured out how to seal the deal.  I offered her a 50-dollar gift card to the local Rite Aid.  All she had to do was listen to the album and answer my questions.  She tentatively agreed to do it and I quickly slapped a pair of headphones on her.

Our conversation after listening to the album went like this:

Keith:  Well…what did you think?

Ida Mae:  It was…..ummmmmmmm…..it was good.

Keith:  Good???  Okay.  Can you be more specific?

Ida Mae:  It was very good.

Keith:  Ida, can you please give me something with a little more detail?  I’m trying to write an article here.

Ida Mae:  Well, I liked the first song.

Keith:  If you want the gift card, you are going to have to give me something more to work with.

Ida Mae:  Well, it was kind of….well….loud.

Keith:  Do you mean the volume?  I could have turned it down.

Ida Mae:  No, it was just….you know….loud.

Keith: (sounding somewhat offended) Listen Ida, loud is a term that applies to volume. Loud is not a valid description.  It tells me nothing.  Tell me something about the amazing guitar solos, tell me something about the raw production style, tell me that you like the interplay between the drummer and bassist, tell me you appreciate that they have taken early 80s sounding British metal and put a fresh and unique spin on it.  What the heck does “it was loud” tell me!?!?!?! 

Ida Mae:  (appearing nervous)It was fine.

Keith:  Okay, maybe I need to be more specific.  Did I remind you more of early Paul Di’Anno era Iron Maiden or Mercyful Fate?

Ida Mae:  Yes.

Keith:  WHICH IS IT?!?!?

Ida Mae:  Both.

Keith:  You are avoiding the question!  I’m seriously starting to question your commitment to heavy metal!!!!!

Ida Mae:  You said I’d get a gift card if I listened to the album and answered your questions.  Well, I did both.  Please give me my Rite Aid gift card and just leave me alone.

Keith:  There is no gift card!  Not for you.  Not with answers like that.  You just totally wasted my time.

Ida Mae:  HELP!!!  Someone get this maniac away from me!!!!!!!!!  HELP!!!!!!!!!!

I had a lot of time to reflect on things while I was waiting for my wife to arrange bail.  This experience taught me a lot.  Some people just aren’t in a position to appreciate great music.  I’m just going to have to live with the fact that the Ida Maes of the world will have to live their lives shrouded in a veil of musical ignorance.  That doesn’t mean you have to.   Buy as many copies as you can of “The World, The Flesh, The Devil”.   Quit your job and do nothing but listen to it.  Make your kids memorize the lyrics and if they don’t, refuse to let them watch television and send them to their rooms without dinner.  It is really that good.

Check out Serpents Are Rising from “The World. The Flesh. The Devil.” here.  The song is 160 percent amazing!

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