Posts Tagged Mpire of Evil
The high stakes game of recruiting between the top programs in the country for running back Clement “Babalu” Attlee came to an end early this morning when he announced his intent to join heavy metal band Venom. Attlee, the all-time leading rusher in California history, starred for four years at Richard L. Ramirez High School in Monterey Park. The school went 46-0 and won four state championships thanks to the speed and strength of Attlee, the nation’s Number 1 prospect.
Attlee was considered a three star prospect as a junior. However, in spite of his obvious ability, at 6’0 150 pounds, he was considered not physically developed enough to become a high-level college player. However, thanks to daily injections of aloe, B-12, botulism and black tar heroin coupled with a sadistic workout regiment, Attlee grew to 5’6 470 pounds during the summer without losing any of his trademark quickness.
Many experts were surprised at Attlee’s choice of Venom. After all, Venom hasn’t been a national powerhouse since the graduation of two-time Heisman Trophy winner Abbadon. In spite of producing quality performers like Anthony “Antton” Lant, Alastair “Big Al The Demolition Man” Barnes, Steve “War Maniac” White, and Clive “Jesus Christ” Archer, Venom have never been able to live up to the glory days when Mantas, Abbadon and the Red Light Fever defense ruled the gridiron and won five consecutive national championships.
Up until yesterday, it looked like Attlee would sign with either Georgia, Penn State, or Testament. However, he ruled out Georgia and Penn State because of the harsh winter weather and feared having to share snaps with All-American tailback Chuck Billy if he joined Testament. Earlier front-runners Slayer lost traction with Attlee after rumors of recruiting violations during the signing of drummer Dave Lombaro led many football analysts to believe the band might soon be put on NCAA probation.
During his signing day press conference, Attlee put four skulls on the press table (each labeled the name of one of his final four possible selections). He smashed the first three with hammers, then drank yak blood out of the one marked Venom, cueing the press that he had made his choice.
When asked about why he chose Venom, Atlee did not hesitate to name his number one reason. “I wanted to play for Cronos,” said Attlee as he wiped the blood and bone matter off of his face. “He’s been laying down some of the heaviest bass riffs and most guttural vocals since 1979. The guy is a legend. He’s also a good Christian man who spends a lot of his off-season washing the feet of the poor and building churches in war torn Borneo. Most importantly, a few years with Coach Cronos and I feel like I’ll be ready to be the best NFL prospect I could possibly be.”