The Tyranny of Tradition

(Guest columnist and noted political philosopher John Winthrop gives his thoughts on the latest #Metalgate controversy)

Women! They are everywhere nowadays! There are lady lawyers, lady doctors and, even, lady construction workers. Some people say there might even be a Lady President pretty soon. That’s why it shouldn’t surprise anyone of us that ladies can do almost anything that a man can do. They even can play heavy metal music better than some of the boys!

Let’s face it fellas, it’s time to open the #metalgate to anyone who wants to come in. It’s time the bare-knuckle savages climb back up in their trees and enter the 20th century. Metal is for everyone…folks! Not just the guys!

It’s a new day PEOPLE! Metalheads can be black, white, purple, green, gay, straight, male, female, Latvians, Ukrainians, those who suffer from Restless Leg Syndrome, those who struggle with basic math facts, those who have bunions, those who do not have bunions, those who wish they had bunions and don’t, those who married their spouses because they were secretly attracted to their bunions. Anyone!

The other day, I was out at one of these Lady Metal concerts. Ladycore or whatever the “special interest groups” like to call it. There was this lady onstage and she was wailing away at the guitar. A lady drummer was pounding away on the drums. Some lady singer was yelling about lady issues. She was mad, too! I’ve never seen one of them so angry. I couldn’t tell what she was saying, but I bet her husband really did something to irk her! I’m surprised he let her out on stage like that.

This Lady Metal band played for an hour without a break. At first, the fellas in the crowd were just like “she’s hot” and whatever, but after a while they were all listening to the music. And, you know what, it wasn’t all that different than the stuff real musicians played. These ladies knew how to rock!

Someone told me that some lady writer wrote an article the other day that said that heavy metal was conservative and is becoming liberal. Or was bad and is becoming good or something like that. That’s stupid! I’m all for this empowerment stuff, I mean, giv’em what they want if it means so much to them, but I don’t want metal in my politics or politics in my metal. I didn’t come for the gender equality…I came to bang my head!

When I listen to metal it is to escape from the world, not be reminded I live here. Heavy metal is neutral. It isn’t male or female. It’s music. Last time I checked, music doesn’t have the necessary plumbing to be considered anything but a bunch of notes being played through a speaker.

I don’t mind if they get up on stage with the boys, I just don’t want to get into all of their agenda and issues and stuff. Everybody has got problems! Besides, they are up on stage, isn’t that enough for them or do they have to own the whole damn building?

I also heard this lady writer said that metal is getting “on the right side of history”. All I can say to that is, “Welcome to the party, Babe!” Metal has always been on the right side of history! We crush all other styles of music! We came, We Saw, We Rocked! End of story!

History keeps showing us over and over again that men OR women with the balls to conquer keep conquering and those afraid to rock get stomped. Even that whiner Marx said it in The Count of Manifesto when he was like “those who have the equipment get to take whatever they want”.

Listens To Hip Hop

Metal is about owning and conquering. Always has been, always will be. A predator comes along in the wild and is hungry; he eats his weaker prey. He doesn’t ask about the feelings of the animal he’s eating. He doesn’t listen to a whole bunch of speeches from other animals about how he’s bullying the creature. He doesn’t set up a support group for the other animals who might end up getting eaten. He just eats till he’s full and leaves the bones. It’s human nature.

Some people are going to read this and think I don’t like women or want them to be treated worse than men. That’s not true. I love women. I was raised to treat them with respect. I have three daughters who I love with all my heart. Do you think I want people telling them there are things in this world they are not allowed to do because they were born girls?

All I want is to not be told what to do by outsiders because they got their feelings hurt a few times growing up. People want me to speak in a way that is politically correct, but what about how I feel? What about who I am? Why do I have to be the one that pretends?

Do you think I wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “here’s the bad guy”? Is that what you think when you see me?

Listen, I would pay my hard earned money to see girls play metal as long as they play real heavy metal. I’m for freedom. That’s what America is all about. As far as I’m concerned, if these ladies play real heavy metal they can play in any damn club I’m in any day of the week.