MTV to Manowar: “We’re Sorry About All The False Metal”

In an unexpected move, MTV and their parent company Viacom today issued an apology to the metal band Manowar for what they referred to as “crimes against true heavy metal”. Kurt Jamerson, MTV’s Vice President of the Council on Metalhead Affairs, issued a short statement thanking Manowar for their commitment to “keeping it real” all these years and refusing to play on anything below 10.  “At first, MTV started with the best intentions, but soon, our programming became a hodgepodge of hair metal and, eventually, rap metal.  We left no room for artists who were committed to true metal in its most pure, unsullied form.  For this we are deeply sorry.”

While MTV did acknowledge that it had shows like Headbanger’s Ball where some true metal was played it admitted that for every one true metal song they played viewers would see “Talk Dirty To Me” by Poison or “Cherry Pie” by Warrant over a thousand times.  According to statistics revealed by MTV, the network’s true to false metal ratio was as high as 1 to 100,000, an unacceptable number for a network who prides itself on being on the cutting edge of music.    After years of extensive lobbying by Manowar, the network has admitted its mistake.

In the press conference following the announcement, Jamerson, who has been with the network for 24 years recalled “I remember getting a letter from Manowar.  The one they talk about in the song Blow Your Speakers.  It was a sheet of paper that had the words ‘What’s going on, man.  Don’t you care about me’ scrawled on it in barely legible handwriting.  Below it was a childlike drawing of Thor driving his hammer into the head of Vince Neil.  I was deeply touched by the words and picture.  I realized that, as a network, we’d been playing on about 7.  That day, I swore an oath to one day get the network to admit its faults.”

MTV has no plans to follow the announcement by adding more true metal to their programming.  Instead, they announced in the same press conference that they plan on extending the series Jersey Shore to a 6th season.  Jersey Shore, along with several other programs featuring highly intoxicated, perplexed looking white kids wearing their pants too low, currently comprise 20 of the network’s 24 hours of daily programming.

Many industry analysts have speculated that the announcement was part of a settlement with Manowar.  The band had brought a 523 billion dollar lawsuit against the network for being “posers”, but the lawsuit was unexpectedly dropped last Friday.  During the press conference, MTV offered each member of Manowar a Whitman’s Sampler, but there is no evidence that money changed hands.  The True Metal Reparations Movement, created by Manowar to heal historical injustices against the armies of true metal, still claims to be at war with most of the major rock radio stations in America for being “losers who better learn that no one controls our goddamn lives.”

Whatever the outcome of the trial, Manowar have vowed to not stop until the armies of true metal triumph over the years of historical oppression.  “When Odin is in the Valley of Doom and Slepnir rides across the starry, blood filled skies, those who did not sell out and wear polyester suits or other crackerjack clothes will be redeemed,” read bassist Joey Demaio’s lawyer, Abraham Freidman, in a written statement given at the MTV press event.   “No one can tell us that we must turn down…..NO ONE.  No one can tell us that we do not control the night……NO ONE.  We are the immortals.  We have won a great victory for metal that is real today.  Tomorrow, we conquer the world!”

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About Keith Spillett

I have a lot of strange debris rattling around my mind that I need to work out in a useful way.

29 responses to “MTV to Manowar: “We’re Sorry About All The False Metal””

  1. Ruthbug says :

    Hello, just a heads up I’ve mentioned your blog in my latest post titled ‘Some of the blogs I read’. Nothing profound just a reading list of blogs I like. Keep blogging, Ruth x

    • Keith Spillett says :

      Thanks so much! That is really wonderful of you. I greatly appreciate it!

      -Keith

      PS Glad you dug the hammer article. That one was a blast to write.

      • Ruthbug says :

        No problem, I thought it was about time I write about all the blogs I appreciate, especially seeing as I don’t always make the time to comment on every post I like….I barely make time to post my own.

        Anyway, keep blogging so I can keep enjoying =)

  2. Universe Number Five says :

    Dude… tears are streaming down my face and I’m about to have a heart attack. This is EXCELLEBT!!!!

  3. beto says :

    brothers of metal!

  4. Dave says :

    Love those outfits.

  5. Christian says :

    This is great! :D I might be coming back to this blog.

  6. Sarah Tipper (@evisceratedpand) says :

    Awesomely entertaining article. This is the sort of thing that happens in my brain when I hear Manowar’s ‘Blow Your Speakers’. Please keep exorcising the strange debris in your mind :)

  7. angelp71 says :

    MTV sux now!! Wish they’d go back to the way they were in the beginning!!!

  8. Josh Blade says :

    I laugh till I cry everytime I read Tyranny of Tradition.

  9. autoblinda says :

    I remember seeing agnostic front’s ‘anthem’ video on headbangers ball randomly-and waiting for years for them to show it again….twas never to be.How many horrible Glam metal videos did i have to sit through (and then the horrible grunge and pantera crap) -Now i can just type in youtube ‘agnostic front anthem’ and voila – instant gratification…in an odd way …the old day was better-i dreamed to see it again so i could record it on a vhs tape…heh

  10. hair@hair.com says :

    TRUE HEAVY METAL WILL NEVERY DAY! MANOWAR IS THE BEST!

  11. agou says :

    Tears (of the dragon) are streaming down my face too…!

  12. Jayson Mc Diarmid says :

    Dude I really dug this article! Nice one. It’s like you are writing what I was thinking:) haha, great read!

  13. metamusicftlom says :

    Great post! Made my day! Will keep coming back for more hillarious posts. :)

  14. Stefanos Patelis says :

    Thank you!!! I am bound to live at least another 5-8 years of healthy life due to the laughter you helped me produce… HAIL!

  15. Steve J says :

    You mean to say that this isn’t real?

  16. Hilarious says :

    Sadly, a Whittmans sampler is a pay raise for most the band…

    • jim kimbro says :

      Sadly you are wrong. Manowar makes huge amounts of $ touring the world, merchandise, production, and musical instruments and gear. You must not be a true brother of metal. You should have some knowledge before you spout off at the mouth.

      • Hilarious says :

        I do have knowledge. Idiots that have no idea what they are talking about, leave the hall!!!!!!!!

      • Odin says :

        Hilarious, you are a moron. Obviously you can read, try researching a little.

  17. Cecil says :

    There is one radio station where Manowar can call home, and that’s CJLO here in Montreal. This one show, Burnt Offerings, plays Manowar at least once a show- their record being 5 times.

  18. davehpt says :

    brilliant! Wimps and posers, LEAVE THE HALL.

  19. Manowarrior says :

    That was a great article, man, very funny :D :))

  20. garethbale3 says :

    That was a great article, man. Very funny :D :))

  21. MetsFan says :

    Very funny. A bit redundant on the Headbangers Ball plays Glam/ Warrant part in paragraph 2 but still, very funny

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