The Evangelical Church of Jordan

Jordan Ascends

The Year is 2223.  Reverend Scott E. Pippen the 29th stands in front of his congregation of 24,000 with his arms raised high in the air.  He is a tall man, about 6 feet 8.  He is wearing a gown with the number 23 embroidered on the front in gold.  He is up on a stage with a golden basketball hoop mounted behind him.  A hush falls over the capacity crowd.

 “Today, I’d like to talk to you about greatness.  Many religions have valued different things over the years.  Some of the religions praised self-restraint, while others loved commitment and dedication.  These qualities can be very good things, but their followers seemed to miss the bigger point.  Trying really hard is not enough.  In order to truly be worthy of God’s love you must win!”

“AMEN!!!!”  screams a parishioner.

The people of olden times used to worship martyrs!  Do you believe it?  They would cast their lot with people who tried really hard….but lost!  Those martyrs were great men, but they couldn’t figure out how to triumph over evil.  Sure, they would say that some of their martyrs rose from the dead, but many people had trouble believing that part.  There wasn’t enough proof.  Maybe they were successful, but they weren’t able to pull it off on the big stage!  I mean, most messiahs wouldn’t make it in the NBA as a 12th man for the New Jersey Nets.  For years, we could only choose between this losing messiah, that losing messiah or sometimes a messiah that hadn’t even shown up yet!  Can you believe it people?”

“NO!!!!!”  shouted the crowd wildly.

 “Thankfully, on February 17th, 1963, that holiest of days, Michael Jordan was born in a barn in Brooklyn, New York.  As a child, Jordan was a good player, but certainly not the messiah we know him as today.  Everyone by now has heard the story of how he was cut from his High School basketball team.  This was the first in a series of setbacks for His Airness, but each time he was given an obstacle, he learned how to climb over it and most importantly HOW…..TO…….WIN!!!!!!

The crowd bursts into thunderous applause.

When Georgetown tried to slow him down in the 1982 NCAA Final…HE WON!  When the Pistons and Celtics stopped him early in his career he came back and….HE WON!!!!  When the Knicks attacked and beat him game after game he rose up and….HE WON!!!!!!  When Jordan retired for the third time, after his sixth NBA title everyone thought that was finished.  Then, as a 60 year old man, Jordan returned to the NBA and led the Chicago Bulls to four more titles.  Age tried to beat him down but…..HE WON!!!!!”

“JUST DO IT!!!!”  screams the crowd.

“Those old-fashioned religions used to talk about an afterlife.  They were preaching the gospel of weakness.  Today, we know that the dead are just quitters!  When Jordan turned 100 he proclaimed that he would never die.  He went up to his basketball court built on the side of the greatest mountaintop and that is where he is still today.  No one has talked to him in years, but he has promised that one day he will not only return to us, but return to the NBA.  One day, when you go to your weekend sports temple to show your commitment to God and your home team he will emerge from the tunnel and HE…..WILL……PLAY………….AGAIN!!!!!!!!”

“YES!!!!!”    “JUST DO IT!!!!!!”   “AMEN!!!!!!”

 “Those old fashioned religions told you that God loved everyone.  Jordan taught us that they were wrong!  The truth is that GOD LOVES A WINNER!  You prove your devotion to him not by being beaten down by the opponent but though VICTORY!  God has no time for losers.  He will not give you a trophy just for competing.  He has no time for lesser men.  He is not going to hold your hand and tell you it is okay to fail.  God values results!  The simple truth is that God Hates Losers!!!!”

“PREACH IT!!!!”  JUST DO IT!!!!”

 “Jordan came to save us all from the pain and humiliation of losing.  Whenever there is someone buying a pair of His Sneakers….HE’LL BE THERE!  Whenever there is a team the overcomes the evil of losing….HE’LL BE THERE!  And when we buy His shoes and praise His name and WHEN WE WIN……….HE’LL………BE……….THERE…..……TOOOOOO!”

The crowd erupts into a screaming, howling frenzy.

“And now I present to you the top ranked choir in the entire world….The beautiful and talented Jordan-Airs!!!!!!

The choir begins to sing and basketball players in different throwback Jordan uniforms dunk golden basketballs into the hoop above the stage…

“To The Temple of Jordan Our Savior Went One Day,
And We Read That Phil The Baptist Met Him There,
And When Jordan Scored 60 in the Finals Versus Philly
The Mighty Power of God Filled The Air.

I’m On My Way
To The Temple of Jordan
Were Going To Win
At The Temple of Jordan
And Victory Will Cleanse My Soul”

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  1. #1 by footballnutz17 on May 18, 2011 - 5:43 PM

    Hey man, this was sooo funny! lol. I could definetly imagine scottie sayin this about Michael.. JUUUSSStt…….DOOO……IT!!!!! hahaa

    Would you like to check out my friends blog? its about sports, travel, and music.

  2. #2 by Keith Spillett on May 18, 2011 - 5:59 PM

    Thanks!!!!

    I just looked in on your site and it looks solid. Nice writing and it looks really sharp. I had to subscribe!

    Keep up the great stuff!

  3. #3 by footballnutz17 on May 18, 2011 - 6:00 PM

    Wow…..thanks keith, love the support

    Love the layout of ur blog…oh my god its beautiful.. Did u have to pay for it?

    • #4 by Keith Spillett on May 18, 2011 - 6:18 PM

      The layout is the elegant grunge template. I like it, but I need to spruce it up a bit.

  4. #5 by footballnutz17 on May 18, 2011 - 6:43 PM

    Yea I hear ya man, thats cool

    Thanks for checking out my blog! really appreciate the feedback

  5. #6 by juan don on May 19, 2011 - 9:11 PM

    I loved Scotty Pippen. The Bulls were basketball grace before Corporate Fascism kicked in. Yes, Jordan was The Real Deal but Scotty was smooth: the ultimate power forward/off point guard. I bow before his glory.

    Let’s all relax and squeeze a loved one in his honor.

    • #7 by Keith Spillett on May 20, 2011 - 2:00 PM

      I loved watching them play. My favorite part of the old Bulls teams was watching Bill Cartwright shoot those absurd looking foul shots that never went in.

  6. #8 by sekanblogger on May 21, 2011 - 10:19 AM

    Okay, being from Kansas, I take basketball wayyyy too serious.
    In light of the Hawks Tourney performance though, I must say well done.
    This was as funny as the spanking they got from some unknown…..what’s their name again????

    • #9 by Keith Spillett on May 21, 2011 - 10:23 AM

      Ha!!!!! Which year?

      • #10 by sekanblogger on May 21, 2011 - 10:29 AM

        HA!….got me there….that was funny.
        I can think of several…..damnit!

      • #11 by Keith Spillett on May 21, 2011 - 10:44 AM

        My favorite was the Northern Iowa team that looked like a mid-level 5A high school program. But hey, you have Danny Manning and Mario Chalmers memories to get you through those dark March nights. I had Memphis in the office pool the last time Kansas won and if they had hit a few free throws I could have gotten those windshield wipers my car still needs. I’m still a tad bitter.

      • #12 by footballnutz17 on May 21, 2011 - 10:39 AM

        Wow @sekanblogger, your blog is pretty neat.. I just subscribed to it

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