Posts Tagged Satan

Satan To Metal Bands: “Stop Writing Songs About Me Already!”

Satan During Last Friday's Exclusive Tyranny of Tradition Interview

Last Friday, we got a chance to catch up with Satan over at the Starbucks in Alpharetta, Georgia.  The Dark Prince and I sat down over Frappuccinos and discussed his life and career.  He was remarkably candid with me about the challenges that he has faced as the most powerful force of evil in the known universe.  We also discussed the current state of heavy metal.  Here are some highlights from our interview….

Tyranny:  So, Satan, what are some of your proudest achievements?

Satan:  Well, I’m particularly proud of greed.  Watching people gets so worked up over the stories they tell themselves about lifeless material is really a joy to watch.  I’m also very partial to vanity.  It’s the best gateway drug ever invented.  If you can get people to believe that there is something remarkable about themselves that they have and others don’t you can get them to do just about anything to protect it.  Who needs to fill a church with demons and ghouls when you can simply fill one of the ministers with an over abundance of self-interest?  You give me twenty seconds and a mirror and I can do pure magic.

Tyranny:  As the devil, you face many challenges.  Tell me about a few of them.

Satan:  Well, human beings have a remarkable capacity for love.  They are often willing to give of themselves when they are clear they will get nothing in return.  You see it all the time if you know what you are looking for.  You have no idea how frustrating this is for me.  Sure, I’ve managed to convince some people that all acts are essentially selfish.  I’ve planted the idea of human nature in people so they think they can never be any better than those who came before them.  But, some people simply choose to ignore this and try to turn the world into a place of empathy and compassion.  Those people make my job a nightmare.

Tyranny:  What do you think about the current state of heavy metal?

Satan:  Honestly, I’m just tired of people writing songs about me.  Stop it already!  Please!  I mean, when Venom or Bathory were doing it, it was kinda cool.  I was flattered.  After 30 years and literally thousands of songs about my powers, I’m just tired of it.  Slayer fans are the worst.  I can’t even go to their concerts anymore because people just scream my name the whole time.  You try enjoying the drum solo in Angel of Death with a bunch of bearded lunatics screaming your name over and over.  It’s annoying.

Tyranny:  Do you think this stems from a general lack of creativity in metal?

Satan:  There is plenty of creativity in metal; it’s just that the audience often prefers the comfort of what they already know.  Some of the best experiments out there fall on deaf ears.  I try to discourage creativity because it can lead to joy and freedom in the minds of humans. It’s one of the things I’ve never been able to beat out of people.  To fight it, I have had to come up with some very unique solutions.  Case in point, every once in a while I plant a bad creative idea in order to discourage bands from thinking outside of the box.  To show them that their ideas could lead them to being humiliated.  Then, I encourage legions of angry and sad people to savage them on message boards in order to drive the point home.

Tyranny:  Can you give me an example?

Satan:  Sure.  The Metallica/Lou Reed thing was my idea.  That should set creativity further back then The McCarthy Hearings.

Tyranny:  If you could leave the reader with one quick idea, what would it be?

Satan:  Vote Gingrich!!!!!

Tyranny:  Thanks for your time.  By the way, thanks for your help promoting the Santorum article!

Satan:  No problem!  And thank you for your soul.

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The Man Who Would Be King Diamond

(Here’s a great piece that was on CNN’s website last Friday)

(CNN)-After watching him burst from the obscure world of heavy metal music onto the national stage as a Republican candidate for the Presidency, most Americans are asking the same question, “Who is King Diamond?”  As of 2010, most political commentators hadn’t even heard the album Fatal Portrait let alone considered him to be a possible challenger to Barack Obama’s Presidency.  However, the past few months have seen a whirlwind of political action by The King, including solving the debt crisis, helping to overthrow Mubarak’s government in Egypt and giving a speech in front of 2 million screaming, poorly-dressed metalheads at this month’s Million Metalhead March.

Not only is The King gathering a flood of support from disaffected Republicans (as well as some Democrats), his shadowy political action committee, known as THEM, has raised over 13 million dollars in less than 2 weeks.  In order to understand King Diamond’s appeal to voters, it is first important to learn about his fascinating background.  In many ways, The King’s story is America’s story.

Kim Bendix Peterson was born in Copenhagen, Denmark in 1739.  He was the son of Per Peterson, a blacksmith, and Abigail Peterson, a blood-drinking witch who was a direct descendant of the God Poseidon.  He was an intelligent young man who was deeply interested in alchemy, local politics and dead animals.  When he turned 16, he had his first meeting with the Dark Lord Satan, who was working as a science teacher at The King’s high school.  Satan, who was impressed by young Kim’s quick wit and nimble mind, became something of a mentor to him.  “I remember when I first met him,” said Satan in an exclusive interview with CNN last week, “you could just tell he was going to do great things.”

When Kim turned 21, he officially took on the name King Diamond during a ritual sacrifice of Copenhagen’s largest water buffalo.  The King was immediately given the powers of invisibility, the ability to cast spells on those he felt were deserving of torment and the occasional ability to raise the dead.  Satan worried that The King might be taking on too much at a young age, but Diamond was able to keep things in perspective, rising to the role of Dark Prince in a span of less than five years.

Things haven’t always been easy for The King.  Diamond has had to overcome several major obstacles in his life including a yearlong bout with bubonic plague and his grandmother’s devastating battle with mental illness.  However, nothing compares to the horrible four year stretch where he was dead back in the 1840s.  After being burned at the stake by wild-eyed French farmers who believed he caused blight on their crops, he was trapped in a darkened purgatory for what seemed like eternity.  Eventually Charon, the ferryman on the river Styx, found the King screaming falsetto Latin choruses at passing demons and led him out of the realm of eternal darkness.  “I felt like The King still had so much evil to bring to the world,” said Charon in his biography “Rollin’ On The River of The Dead:  A Memoir”, “so I took pity on his soul and returned him to the world of the living.  I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”

After his return to earth, The King became involved in politics, eventually landing a high-ranking position as Ambassador to Russia under President Teddy Roosevelt.   While in the Roosevelt administration, Diamond accidently helped to negotiate the end of the Russo-Japanese War.  For his work, he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize along with the President, an Award that he tossed into a blazing fire moments after he received it.  Things turned sour between him and Roosevelt soon after when the President refused to allow Satan to take control of Arizona, which he believed Satan rightfully won from the President in a game of poker.  The King became disillusioned with politics and travelled to the Far East in order to learn meditation techniques from several enlightened masters.

The King returned to Europe in the 1970s and began his career as a musician, believing that music was the best way to spread his message of unbridled horror to the world.  After stints in bands like Brainstorm and Black Rose, the King truly found his calling in the 1980s fronting metal legends Mercyful Fate.  Along with the seven studio albums he recorded with Fate, he also put together twelve magnificent studio records as a solo artist.   After seeing what he referred to as the “embarrassing state of American politics”, he decided it was time to return and save America from the “tyranny of the painfully stupid”.  The King plans to bring a no-nonsense approach to governing that includes a more equitable tax code and the return of the guillotine.  He has a bold, striking vision for America that many consider radical.  However, in these troubled times, a radical message like his may be just what Americans are looking for.

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Venom Singer Saddened By Royal Snub

Uncle Cronos

There is one Brit who is still waiting for his invitation to tomorrow’s wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton.  Cronos (Conrad Lant), the bass player and singer from the band Venom, has checked his mailbox everyday patiently waiting for a message that may never come.  Why would the lead singer of a band that recorded songs like “Sons of Satan” expect an invite to one of the most sacred and important events in Britain this century?  Cronos is, in fact, Kate Middleton’s uncle.

As hard as this may be to believe for many metalheads, Cronos is the brother of Kate’s mom Mary Lant.  In an exclusive interview with The Tyranny of Tradition, Cronos revealed that he had a close relationship with Kate from the time she was a baby.  “We were on tour supporting the Welcome to Hell album when I got the call.   Little Katy was about to be born.  The band and I cancelled the show and rushed to the hospital.  I’ll never forget when I held her for the first time.  Abaddon and I broke down in tears.  It was beautiful,” recalled Cronos.

Cronos was always a big part of the future princesses life.  She grew up going to Venom concerts and was even in the studio when the band recorded their third album “At War With Satan”.  “Mantas had this great idea to have her voice mixed into the background of the song “Aaaaaarrghh” but it we were never able to get it to sound right.”

As Kate got older she got more involved with the band.  “She started playing drums at age 7 and even sat in with us a few times during concerts.  She played Buried Alive with us at a show in Coventry back during the reunion in 1995 and was amazing.  She reminded me a lot of Dave Lombardo.”

When the royal couple first started dating Kate promised Cronos that they might play at the wedding if the two ever decided to tie the knot.  “She had this whole idea about us playing Countess Bathory during the part of the service where she walked up to the altar.  I thought it was crazy, but she kept bringing the idea up. I’d have been honored to play her wedding.”

Cronos was in touch with Kate as recently as seven months ago, but since the wedding announcement she has not returned any of his phone calls.  “She used to call me her favorite uncle.  She loved singing songs with me when she was a little girl.  We used to sing the song “Black Metal” together.  She loved doing the growling part at the end.  Now she won’t even talk to me.”

There have been few mentions of Cronos’ relationship with Kate in the British press.  He believes the royal family has conspired to keep the Kate Middleton/Venom connection out of the media.  “There used to be video of her playing with us up on YouTube, but that was mysteriously taken down months ago.  I feel like they are embarrassed by my career as one of the founding fathers of Satan influenced thrash metal.  I’m not trying to get famous out of this or make money.  I just want my Little Katy back.”

 

 

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