Posts Tagged Santa Claus

UCLA Study Reveals More Metalheads Believe in Santa Claus Than A Necrovore Reunion

Necrovore Santa Claus

A surprising new study released Monday by UCLA’s Institute For Metal Advancement revealed that more metalheads now believe in Santa Claus than in the idea of the band Necrovore reuniting.

Responding to a detailed questionnaire, metal fans overwhelmingly agreed that the possibility of a magical being sliding down chimneys and delivering toys to all the children of the world in one evening is still more likely than the cult Texas death metal act reforming and releasing a proper full-length.

Necrovore recorded one highly-revered demo in 1987, and frontman Jon DePlachett has repeatedly planned an official reformation of the band with the first announcement in 1995, and then again in 2007 when the initial attempt never materialized. Five years later, there has been no further movement.

In the meantime, many metalheads asserted that the evidence for Christmastime’s famous figurehead is much more plausible. “Santa Claus brought me some Hot Wheels when I was a kid,” says self-described metal enthusiast Jose Chavez, “I thought my parents did it, but they swore it wasn’t them, so who knows? But Necrovore reforming? That’s not real.”

The University study also discovered several other things fans believe in more than a Necrovore comeback, including the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and the idea of being able to dig to China.

“The data here is definitely intriguing,” said researcher Rob Urbinati, “and after 20 years of promises and disappointments, it seems a Necrovore reformation is almost a mythical premise. And the idea that they could further release an album that would live up to expectations clearly resides in the realm of the impossible.”

On Christmas Eve, Santa Claus is expected to make his worldwide sleigh ride and deliver presents as he has for over 300 years. Necrovore is slated to make an announcement about an upcoming planned announcement by 2017.

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True Norwegian Black Friday: The Story Behind Extreme Nordic Capitalism

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“All hail the instigators of northern consumerism, Thanksgiving ist krieg!” says the grandmother of three who wears corpse paint as they walk by a newlywed couple expecting their first child at a store in Hopkins, Minnesota. The jovial scene and festivities inspire the lovers so much, they decide to name their firstborn Borknagar.

True Norwegian Black Friday has come a long way since 1950’s America, when it was first introduced to the country by the Minnesota Vikings. They brought the tradition from Scandinavia after their 1951 tour with Danzig in hopes of recreating the low prices and tales of Satanic elves they found in Helvete, a store in Norway.

The Tyranny of Tradition editorial staff spared no expense to search the truth behind the late November sales and traveled to Oslo, where Mortiis (born Mortimer Håvard Ellefsen), former Emperor bass player, manages the local chain of stores Varg-Mart, infamous for their slogan: Vi dolke høye priser i hodet! (We stab high prices in the head!). Their headquarter is conveniently located in what used to be Helvete, where Euronymous, Norwegian Black Metal pioneer, and Edmond Adolphe de Rothschild, Jewish banker, formed the alliance to sell extreme records at low prices.

“The Scandinavian tradition started when Allfather Odin was on a budget after wedding Frigga, known as Rene Russo in times before the light, and he needed to covet weapons for Ragnarok to fight the frost giant fanatics of the Sarpsborg band. While in the gardening department of a Nordstrom store, Odin fought a local hippie named Olaff over the last Gungnir in existence (a naturist brand of spearlike sticks used for planting seeds) and lost an eye in the altercation. The Ruler of Asgard sued the company and won a fortune. The court also sentenced the retailer to close all of its gardening departments to avoid further confrontations and eye loss.”

“Odin used his money to start the furniture company Ikea and take a vacation in Amsterdam, where he started a bromance with his fellow beard enthusiast Santa Claus, A.K.A. Sinterklaas, a sailor with an extensive record of breaking and entering into private property. They plotted together a pyramid scheme that consisted in giving children gifts and sticking their parents with the bill in the name of their other bearded acquaintance, Jesus, who they didn’t really like.”

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After we learned the history of Black Friday, Mortiis was kind enough to hook us up with an exclusive interview with Burzum International CEO, Lord of the Rings cosplayer, and advocate of all True Scandinavian traditions Varg Vikernes, who currently resides in France.*

“I’m not a Nazi. All of my banking friends are Jewish, and this is not a Swastika I’m wearing, it’s Fylfot, Thor’s ninja throwing star.” Stated the musician before we asked anything.

“Even though the holiday started in another country before any of us were born, it was people like Fenriz and myself who gave it its true identity. Me and a bunch of easily-impressionable kids came up with burning down churches as a publicity stunt that would bring business to both Christian contractors and Black Metal artists. It’s all about keeping the capital flowing. Look at what happened with the hostile takeover of Helvete. Euronymous wasn’t making any profit out of our church-burning meshuggah just because of his absurd hippie ideologies. Things needed to change rapidly, because we knew True Norwegian Black Metal is about making a buck.”

“Darkthrone records their music with an answering machine, uses Xerox copies for their cover art and there you go, you have a LP with a retail price that costs as much as a Behemoth album but didn’t waste money in production value. Hell, I’ve done it over and over again. I recorded a couple of albums from prison** with the cheapest synthesizer money can buy, wrote a bunch of repetitive Summoning rip-offs in a couple of hours and BOOM, I’m monetising my incarceration.”

“I’m very happy to see True Norwegian Black Friday has made it’s way to the American November, with the bargains and people wearing construction nails in hopes of poking someone’s eye out as they fight for a cheap X-Box One, re-enacting the greatest battle of Allfather Odin.”

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Burzum’s latest album titled Det Som En Gangvar Style was released on November 1st. It’s a new all-synth ambient CD that mixes long folk passages with hardcore elevator music recorded with the raw Necrojungle signature beats Vikernes has made popular. The ten minute jingles of the album are being played in malls and department stores all throughout America, and it makes a swell present for all the family!

Image*Vikernes exiled himself from Norway after a tape of himself and Sonja, Queen of Norway, in compromising positions was leaked and available on Netflix Scandinavia.

**The artist formerly known as Accountant Grishnackh was prosecuted for insurance fraud and larceny in 1994. He pulled the scam by getting a life insurance for bandmate Euronymous, hiding him in a trunk for 19 years, claiming the insurance money, and taking over his business.

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