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Dillinger Escape Plan Still Calculating Infinity

An artist's impression of The Dillinger Escape Plan's mathematical experiment.

An artist’s impression of The Dillinger Escape Plan’s mathematical experiment

NEW JERSEY — Fifteen years after they started the mathematical experiment, mathcore band The Dillinger Escape Plan are still calculating infinity.

Trapped in an underground laboratory housing super-calculators the size of four Marshall amplifiers, chief number-cruncher Ben Weinman said, “We’re making good progress. We have finally reached the equivalent of a googolplexian multiplied by
(9.99 x 10^999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
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“It’s only a matter of time before we reach the Holy Grail of unreal numbers.”

Due to the demanding nature of the experiment, numerous members have come and gone over the last 15 years. According to Weinman, the only original number-cruncher left, seeing the same people everyday for years on end is “a trial too great for unprofessional twerps to endure.”

But despite the volatility of the lineup, the quintet reportedly demonstrates consistently excellent teamwork. The gargantuan calculation is split equally among all five current members. On a typical day, each member would enter calculations on his calculator as quickly as possible. Once he hits the calculator screen’s limit for displaying digits, he would write it down on a piece of paper, clear the current calculation, and then begin anew.

At the end of the day, all five members would tally their numbers. Then, they go to sleep while taking turns to recite the multiplication tables.

Gregory Puciato, current deputy number-cruncher and usually the last to fall asleep, attributed his group’s camaraderie to the hope offered by an unobtainable ideal like infinity.

“When you knowingly chase after something that you know you can never get with other like-minded individuals, you feel like you have a sense of purpose and are not alone in this despair-ridden universe,” said Puciato while stroking his chin as he hung from a ceiling pipe like a bat.

Having been Nobel Prize nominees since they started their monumental work in 1999, The Dillinger Escape Plan first estimated that they would finish calculating by 2001; then they changed the estimate to 2003; then 2005; then 2007; and then 2009.

Not wanting to disappoint the Board of the Nobel Foundation further, Weinman declared an ultimatum on June 7, 2011 that if his team did not calculate infinity before the Higgs boson was discovered, he would end the experiment.

When the Higgs boson’s discovery was announced on July 4, 2012 by CERN, Weinman told press members that he was admitted into hospital for a serious head injury arising from a motorcycle accident. He was later diagnosed with a rare form of retrograde amnesia that rendered him unable to remember anything from June 7, 2011.

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