Posts Tagged Manowar

King Diamond Rocks Million Metalhead March, Announces Presidential Run

Yesterday, over 1.8 million Metalheads marched on Washington D.C. demanding equal rights, less corruption in government and Hipster Reform.  The rally, one of the largest in the nation’s history, culminated on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial with speeches by metal luminaries the likes of Steve Harris, Joey Demaio and Thomas Gabriel Warrior.   However, the big moment took place at 4 PM when metal legend King Diamond repelled down the Washington Monument and strode onto the stage to give his keynote address.

Speculation has grown over the last few weeks about a possible King Diamond run for President in 2012.  The crowd eagerly awaited his announcement.  Metalheads traveled from as far away as New Zealand to see the speech.  Jimmy “Buzzsaw” Samhain, a King Diamond fan since his older brother loaned him Abagail when he was 8, travelled by bus from Flagstaff, Arizona to see the speech.  “He’s going to save us.  I wouldn’t have travelled 3 days through a terrible blizzard to see him if I didn’t know for sure that HE IS THE ONE!!!!”

The Crowd HAILS The King as He Begins His Speech

The crowd didn’t have to wait long to find out The King’s plans.  Early in the speech, he thrilled the crowd by making his intentions clear. “In 2012, the spirit of evil will overtake Washington and I will lead this nation back to greatness. I will be your next President!!!!!”

Many questions have arisen about the problems King Diamond’s campaign might face.  Steven Witchkiller, of the organization Black Metal Fans For Truth, openly asked the question in an editorial written for the Washington Post on Wednesday whether someone born in Denmark could be President of the United States.  Witchkiller is clearly unaware of the provision in the 17th Amendment to the Constitution that allows Danes and Swedes to run for President.  It was passed during Woodrow Wilson’s administration to thank Denmark and Sweden for their unyielding support during World War I.  Diamond would actually be the second Danish born President, following in the footsteps of Gerald Ford.  However, many legal scholars have argued that since most Americans struggle to know the difference between Amendments and Commandments, the 17th might not actually apply.

Other members of the press have wondered what The King believes about many of the major issues facing Americans.  Up until yesterday, many Americans didn’t even know what party he would run with.  In a press release issued last night after the March, The King stated he would run as a Republican, in spite of his dislike of nearly every stance that Party has taken in the past 30 years.  It is felt that his best chances lay in running Republican due to the general weakness, mindless incompetence and borderline insanity of most of the candidates currently in the field.

None of these issues seemed to matter as The King addressed 1.8 million screaming metal maniacs.  After breathing fire for two consecutive minutes at the beginning of his speech, The King launched into a passage that will be taught in classrooms 200 years from now.  In order to fully capture its spirit, we will reprint this section in its entirety.

 “See…..I have dreams, too.  Dreams of doctors putting giant spiders on their patients, dreams of grandmother’s evil gnarled hands reaching out from beyond the grave, dreams of ghastly horsemen chasing me through the night.  I dream the dreams of pure mortal terror.  I dream of a Washington over taken by headless ghouls and heartless corpses.  I dream of an America so consumed by rage and horror that people cannot even leave their homes without fear of being attacked by hounds sent by the Dark Lord himself.  I dream of a day where little metalhead boys and girls can wildly assault and maim hipster children without the fear of going to jail.  I dream of a giant rock concert with all Americans, except hipsters, swaying back and forth, listening to “”Amon” Belongs To “Them””.   We will let the bells of evil and malice ring from the hills of Georgia to the mountains of Colorado.  We will let the bells of darkness and torment ring from sea to shining sea.  And when these bells ring Americans will know it’s time to join hands and sing (falsetto) “Toooooonight The Circle Is Broken Forever!!!!!!!”

The March was not without its problems.  Three metalheads were arrested by police for giving a “corpse paint makeover” to the statue of Lincoln behind the stage.  Hipster protestors and metalheads clashed in front of the Capitol for five minutes when one of the protestors played a Band of Horses song from his radio.  In spite of these isolated incidents, the day was a rousing success and may well be the beginning of a political campaign that will reshape the nation for generations to come.

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Trump Accuses Obama of Being First Overkill Drummer

Mr. Skates Goes To Washington?

In a continuing assault on the life and career of President Barack Obama, 2016 Presidential candidate Donald Trump accused Obama of being the drummer for the metal band Overkill on the albums “Feel The Fire” and “Taking Over“.

In an interview with syndicated conservative talk radio host Jonathan Winthrop, Trump said “If you look in the liner notes at the first two albums they have someone named Rat Skates listed as the drummer.  That can’t possibly be a real name.  I believe that Barack Obama was playing drums on both of those records.”

This is another in a series of accusations made by Republicans that Obama is, in fact, a “secret metalhead”. The accusations started two months ago when Glenn Beck revealed that Obama was in a thrash band in Chicago while he was working as a community organizer in the mid-1980s.  Beck claimed that Obama’s band “mostly did Coroner and Slayer covers, but a few originals.”

Other reports have claimed that the band, known as Barry O’Death and the October Revolution (BODOR), recorded a demo but nearly all of the copies have been destroyed.  Various media outlets have contacted three supposed members of the group but no one has agreed to go on record about having played in the band.

Trump claimed last month that one of his investigators had gotten their hands on a copy and he had heard the demo.  According to Trump the sound was “very raw but pretty unoriginal.  They seemed to be trying to copy Exodus ‘Bonded By Blood’ on most of the tracks.”

According to Trump, the demo had ten songs on it with titles ranging from “Destroyer of Worlds” to “When Death Rides A Horse” to “Free Healthcare for Everyone”. Obama has never directly addressed the metal rumors but in his biography Dreams from My Father he does discuss being “really impressed with the first Manowar album, particularly the epic feel of the song Battle Hymn”.

Rat Skates on Tour With Overkill in 1981

Rat Skates on Tour With Overkill in 1981

Trump supported his latest accusation by claiming that the drumming on “Feel The Fire” was extremely similar to the playing on the BODOR demo.  “I have heard a lot of drummers over the years and this person who is supposedly known as Rat Skates plays just like Obama.  There is no way you could hear the song Blood and Iron and think it was anyone but the future President playing.  The styles are too much alike.”

Trump has encouraged Obama to come out and be forthright with the American people about his metal past.  “It’s not right that the President is keeping the American people in the dark about an issue as important as his taste in music.  If the President listens to thrash, death or even proto-doom, it’s important that the people know so they can make informed decisions.”

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