Posts Tagged aspartame

Bruce Jenner Claims Gluten Ruined His Life; Is Often Mistaken For Axl Rose

Nutritionists are calling for the FDA to reclassify gluten as a Class 4 toxin after Bruce Jenner went public with allegations that General Mills has been tampering with his DNA using the high dose GMO gluten found in Wheaties cereal.

Jenner has been the subject of a smear campaign in tabloid journals which accuse the former athlete of transitioning from a man into a female, but Tyranny sources may have uncovered evidence that Jenner is still a man in a man’s body, doing manly things. People who know of Jenner say that his new look is the culmination of 45 years of eating Wheaties and the subsequent free radicals that have inflamed his pancreas to five times it’s normal circumference.


At first, Jenner seemed to be enjoying the effects gluten was having on his physique, noting that he often was mistaken for Axl Rose in public and was repeatedly accosted by roaming bands of 40 something dudes who wanted him to autograph their knuckles, but as time wore on, so did gluten’s toll on Jenner’s health and relationships.

The Jenner residence has become a nightly stop for Malibu police ever since neighbors have begin to complain of “raucous singing at all hours of the night that sounds like Ethel Merman belting out Knock Knock Knocking On Heaven’s Door wearing weasel infested bloomers.” Kris Jenner has reached out to the public and has asked for drivers who see Bruce running down the highway with Wheaties boxes on his hands and feet to refrain from tossing gluten containing substances from their car windows and turn off any Guns ‘N’ Roses songs that might be playing.

Gluten has become a very controversial substance recently, and the Jenner tragedy has many people asking themselves if they might be at risk for gluten transmitted diseases when they enjoy all you can eat breadsticks or snack on a Pop Tart? Research has shown that consuming at least a half cup of aspartame before consuming gluten containing foods significantly reduces the chance that the sickness you die from will be gluten related. Homeopathy has also proven a good first line of defense against gluten contracted dehydration. As with all health concerns, always be sure to consult at least six or seven anonymous Internet personalities for health advice, and at a bare minimum, do not have your children vaccinated, just in case.

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Formerly Dead Singer and Aspartame Advocate GG Allin To Head Food And Drug Administration

GG Allin:  Still Alive

In a bold move to show his willingness to commit to bipartisan solutions in 2015, President Obama has announced he is sacking FDA Commissioner, Margaret “Quarter Pounder” Hamburg, and giving control of the FDA to none other than G.G. Allin.

Obama, who many pundits believe is trending towards complete mental and emotional collapse, has been recently observed running around the White House lawn at all hours of the night naked and bleeding while howling indecipherable song lyrics.  His appointment of Allin coincides with his “Fear and Loathing” 2nd term agenda, a stark contrast to his “Hope and Change” message from six years ago.

Ever since 19 Americans contracted Ebola from eating overregulated meat products, the FDA has been under fire from Republicans and Democrats alike.  Allin seems like just the man to bring sanity back to the Food and Drug Administration.

G.G.Allin faked his death in 1993 to escape the punk rock lifestyle and pursue his interests in micro pig breeding and aspartame mining. Those who knew him intimately recall that Allin was always striving to help people reconcile their differences and overcome their phobias surrounding bodily fluids and extreme cuddling.

Allin’s surprising appointment is intended to allow for less red tape and more botulized red meat for an American public who “just wants government to get out of their lives”.


According to House Speaker, John Boehner, many Republicans see this appointment as too good to take at face value, and are cautioning of a possibly more sinister agenda below the surface. Allin’s connections to the aspartame mining industry is raising a few eyebrows in Congress.

Aspartame has been a hot button issue ever since President Obama signed an executive order last year requiring a restructuring of the well known Food Pyramid. The order, commonly known as “To Aspartame A Land”, has mandated that an additional foundation to the food pyramid be added to reflect the need to consume a minimum of 10-12 servings of aspartame daily in order to maintain optimal pancreatic health.

Critics of the new food pyramid allege that Allin’s appointment may be a conflict of interests, as he owns a 93% stake in Hawaii’s aspartame mines. This questionable appointment comes only days after Michelle Obama’s Marxist school lunch program mandated that all lunches contain at least 65 percent aspartame and 10 percent spinal fluid.

Democrats that support the President’s decision to discharge Margaret Hamburg warn that Allin’s appointment could send the wrong message to the two thirds of voters who stayed home this November. With Rikki Rockett and Gene Simmons recently being tapped to hold seats in the President’s administration, liberals fear that Obama is projecting a level of instability not seen in politics since H. Ross Perot had to be forcibly gagged and carried off the stage by security guards during a 1996 Presidential debate.  They are also concerned that young voters, many of which have been alienated by a corrupt and ineffective political system, will begin choosing video games and social media over direct involvement in the American political process.

Congressman Ted Cruz, the lone socialist in the Republican party, opined on the House Floor today that, “When being a musician is seen as qualifying a person to make decisions about what is safe or not safe to consume, is it any wonder that demoralized young people will throw in the towel and never believe that they too can be something in this country?”

“Isn’t it time the President focus on issues important to the American people, like restoring Christian as our official language or recognizing a corporation’s religious freedom to marry and merge with the love of their choice?”

Time will tell if Allin has what it takes to bring America back to sensible levels of fecal content in its mercury-laden flounder and free market solutions to marketing new products like genetically modified pork rinds.

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