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Criss Angel Mistakenly Summons Elder God That Devours Nickelback

Angel

Trent Reznor stunt double and heavy metal magician, Criss Angel, has been incapacitated after a charity performance went horrible wrong. Angel was performing illusions at a Las Vegas fundraiser to purchase several new pineal glands for Nickelback singer Chad Kroger when, literally, all hell broke loose. Those familiar with Angel know that he thrives on pushing the boundaries between normal reality and heavily edited video reality. In an effort to freshen up his act, Angel decided it was time to attempt a magic trick of epic proportions which skeptics couldn’t write off as hard rock sleight of hand.

 

Nickleback

Taking the stage before tens of tens of spectators, Angel announced that America is lagging behind  other world superpowers in renewable energy efforts and that he was ready to make the U.S.A. completely free of it’s addiction to fossil fuels and chemtrails by summoning the Sumerian god of clean energy, Hexxoncoalatreius Theourge. Angel allegedly planned to trap the Great One into a salvaged Boeing 747 turbine to create an infernal combustion engine capable of supplying power to all of North America.

The chaos started when Angel guided the blindfolded members of Nickleback into the center of a pentagram he had drawn on the stage with a mixture of crude oil and muskrat pancreas.  He then commenced to sounding out words from the Necronomicon while moonwalking back and forth across the venue until a cloud of coal ash began to materialize above the crowd. Three loud thunderclaps rang out and Angel stared in disbelief as several members of the audience burst into green flames and the rest of the mob of panicked attendees fought to hide in the trunk of his nearby Prius. Suddenly a vortex of pitch darkness opened up behind the stage and tentacles began making their way towards the stunned magician.

Beast
Angel was observed throwing playing cards and colorful handkerchiefs at the gibbering entity that began to emerge from the vortex and he appeared to confuse the beast with a squirting flower and a Rubik’s Cube while he strategically placed the members of Nickleback between himself and the creeping abomination. In what appeared to be a moment of calm, the beast enveloped the members of Nickleback in a mass of writhing limbs and pulled them into a parallel universe where their hit song, Something In Your Mouth, is the theme song of the Spanish Inquisition and Tipper Gore is Pope.

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Swedish Government Bans Windmilling

AsphyxBand

King Carl Gustaf XVI has become the next in a long list of world leaders to throw his weight behind the war to end all wars, The War On Metal. Using a medical controversy to justify his actions, King Gustaf has issued an edict that bans windmilling in public and private places until further notice.  The ban effects all of Sweden, and states that anyone found windmilling will be fined 10,000 krona and will be exiled to picking up litter around the fjords wearing a rotary sensitive shock collar.  

Sweden, which many may know, is famous for its Swedish fish candies and it’s ratio of 87 Viking metal bands to one synthpop band, is the windmilling capital of the world and this ban is seen as a royal overreach aimed at subduing the metal subculture into irrelevance. Many Swedes feel that this move was inspired by the recent outbreak of fighting in the hills of Afghanistan, where drone attacks are indiscriminately targeting mosh pits and corpse paint store fronts. The metal community in Sweden has been reeling from several previous attempts to link them to harmful behaviors, the last being a fabricated whistle blower hit piece in which many bands were accused of testing music on lab animals.

Several news agencies received anonymous VHS tapes with footage that can only be described as criminal and twisted, that shows scenes from inside an alleged “Sound Chamber of Satan” where hundreds of Eurasian Pygmy Shrews are strapped into very small cots and subjected to hours of death metal at a time. At one point in the video, the shrews have been moved into what looks like a coliseum and are hacking away at each other with swords and axes. Later shown to be a fraud , the tapes irreparably damaged the reputation of metal in Sweden and began to move public attitudes in a negative direction.

Capitalizing on this momentum, the Ministry of Health investigated a study done by Arch Enemy titled, “Windmill Your Way To A Healthy Thyroid”  and alleged that the positive results could not be duplicated during double blind testing and they then turned their attention to similar reports released by the bands Dismember, Bloodbath, and At The Gates. The health benefits of windmilling hearken back to the early Vikings, and it is used in many holositc metal health treatments. Windmilling is said to cure seasonal allergies, planters warts, and even hypothyroidism, but is dismissed as pseudo science by the medical community.

In a full on media blitz, the Ministry of Health released a document dump of 2200 “studies” which linked windmilling to ailments ranging from male pattern baldness to spinal kyphosis.  Public service messages were aired featuring so called “Ex-millers” giving their testimonies of how windmilling had destroyed their health and MP3 collections.

Arch Enemy vocalist, Alisa White-Gluz, says she is saddened by the political weaponizing of the innocuous tradition of windmilling and has begun to form a coalition of the milling to resist further stigmatization of the windmilling community.  In the wake of the prohibition, small, secret cells of windmillers are springing up to provide practitioners of this gentle art an outlet to let their hair down and avoid the prying eyes of the law. Lobbying efforts to overturn the ban have begun by the powerful and influential cervical collar industry, as the criminalization of windmilling has brought cervical collar sales to levels not seen since the Swedish disco craze of the 1990’s.

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Sweating To Death With Richard Simmons

Simmons

Greetings fellow metal heads! This is Richard Simmons, and I’ll tell you what, a lot of guys across this hibernation nation are writing me to find out where they can buy XXXXL leather pants and bullet belts before the summer concert season hits like a ton of bricks.

You don’t need a new wardrobe, you just need to get metal thrashin’ mad at that out of shape bod, and get your old anorexic, bean pole shape back.  “How the #$%^# am I going to do that?” you ask?  Well, I’m sure you’ve seen the advertisements for my famous “Sweating To The Oldies” workout programs that have helped a lot of people get back into the best shape of their lives, right?  Well, I’m happy to say that with the help of Full Metal Racket Productions, I’ve got just the thing to get you back to your twiggy old self again. Sweating To Death!
Death
I hear you growl, “Sweating to Death? You mean “Death”, as in THE best death metal band in history?” That’s right. DEATH! Sweating To Death is going to revolutionize your self image and get you back into the shape of a fence post. Many people don’t realize that I just love death metal to death. When I was a rebellious teen, my Uncle Garth bought me death metal cassettes from all over the world and I was hooked like a heavy metal Mr. Limpet. I discovered that heavy metal was the key to getting into shape and getting the respect I deserved in the mosh pit.

Sweating To Death has been such a success that Bulimic Corpse Magazine calls it, “A masterpiece of metal and fat melting moves. Six horns up!” This program was even instrumental in getting Rammstein back into shape after their bratwurst and beer binge tour. Till Lindmann was in tears when he went from being a heavy metal monster, to slim, trim, pyrotechnic mad man once again. Never fear your mom putting your favorite concert tees in the dryer ever again!Rammstein

So, move over “Screamin’ For Benchpress”, and get lost “Too Fast For Lovehandles”, because Sweating To Death is going to succeed where other programs fail. The secret is in the space age combination of hyper, double-bass blast beats with a mixture of hand picked, fat burning exercises such as:

  • Kettle Mills – Every metal head knows that windmilling for 3 hours solid can build a neck like a centaur on steroids. I’ve added resistance to this classic move for insane, neck ripping power. The trick is to duct tape a 15lb. kettle bell to the end of your hair and windmill like there’s no tomorrow. Just be sure to watch out for those ceiling fans or mom’s going to slip a gear!

 

  • Crabcore Jacks – The superb health benefits of crabcoring can not be understated, but I’ve added some devilry to these crustacean fat melters that will get your thighs begging for a merciful fate. The trick is when you get your thighs parallel to the ground, have a modest weight friend leapfrog onto your shoulders and then perform an explosive jump. I recommend spandex pants for these seam rippers!

 

  •  Amp Head Presses – Upper body strength is your friend, in the mosh pit and out, so I’ve incorporated an alternative to boring barbell presses, Amp Head Presses. This exercise is a bit tricky, but with proper form, your arms will look like they belong in a Manowar photo shoot. Keep a straight back and hold the amp head overhead for the length of two Tool songs. That’s it. Remember to keep a straight back and don’t lock your knees, and your guns will be ready for the next battle of the bands in no time!

Kerry

What are you waiting for? Pick up that phone and scream bloody gore! The first 666 callers will receive a free bonus disc containing my new abdominal workout, “8 Minute Grind Core”. That’s 75 songs to inspire you to get that abominable abdominal look the ladies go crazy over!  Call now, supplies are limited!

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Pandamonium?!?! Chinese Sleeper Cell Discovered In Washington State

 

ZooThe Department of Homeland Security issued a Code Green alert last week when they were informed of a possible terrorist plot in Washington State.  A Chinese sleeper cell was discovered operating out of the Washington Zoo and the city is in lock-down with mandatory curfews and roadblocks set up at every one of the city’s 890 Panda Express restaurants. The Shyong-Mahw Pinyin or “Giant Cat Bear Revolution” was discovered operating a cassette pirating and penny counterfeiting scam from inside one of the panda habitats in the Seattle Zoo.
Authorities were called to the zoo after Blanche Grant, a panda keeper, reported that she was distributing the evening bamboo rations and one of the “pandas” pulled a gun on her and demanded she take him to the nearest Panda Express because he “couldn’t take eating bamboo for one more day”.  At that moment all hell broke loose when several of the other “pandas” tackled him and dragged him back inside the enclosure and began to beat him with bamboo rods.  The situation escalated when the dominant, really real male panda became enraged by the screams and commenced mauling the costumed terrorists. An explosion shortly followed the human/mammal melee, and it is theorized that the ruckus had caused the premature discharge of a coconut and bamboo explosive device hidden inside the habitat.

Forensic re-enactment of crime scene.

Among the evidence obtained at the scene was what appears to be a copy of the terrorists manifesto which railed against such things as the American government’s use of Nickelback songs in extracting confessions from suspected terrorists at Guantanamo Bay, and the recent merger of Comcast and Time Warner Cable and it’s detrimental effects on Netflix streaming services.

Law enforcement personnel are in the process of investigating the remaining animal habitats to see if other well organized terrorist cells have been able to set up shop to engage in illegal activities under the guise of chimpanzees or merkats.

Merkats

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The Hidden Truth Behind Obamacare: Hello Piercings, Goodbye Pancreas

Pancreatic Atrophy Survivor

Pancreatic Atrophy Survivor Who Would Have Died If The Kenyan Marxist Obamacare System Was Implemented in 2013

From the beginning, there were a handful of voices sounding the alarm that the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) would lead to rationing and the implementation of so called, “Death Panels.” Today, those fears may be closer to being realized than you think.

Buried within the 20,541 pages of Obamacare lies a hidden provision, known as the Pierce Clause. The Pierce Clause was set to go into effect if the projected number of young applicants for insurance fell below the designated threshold of 1.4 billion enrollees between the ages of 16 to 26 years old. Since the disastrous rollout of the Healthcare.gov web page and the tepid reception by American youth, enrollment in Obamacare is barely over the 19,002 mark, no where close to the 1.4 billion threshold required to make Heathcare.gov an ad free web page.

How will the Pierce Clause effect healthcare for you and your loved ones? To start with, those who are fighting the specter of Pancreatic Atrophy Syndrome (PAS) will soon find themselves looking for ways to pay for their own life saving treatments. PAS generally effects adult males in their 30’s to 40’s who have a history of exposure to rapid, low frequency noises, or violent abdominal jostling, such as those often found in grindcore moshpits.

In a press conference last week, retiring Health and Human Services Secretary, Kathleen Sebelius told the press that,

People with Pancreatic Atrophy Syndrome have more alternative funding sources than ever before. Why just the other day my husband and I were at a mattress store and the sales person advised us that his company had been responsible for saving at least 324 patients with PAS. We were astounded that one store could produce such an amazing survival rate through bedding retail. We figured that there must be hundreds of mattress stores saving lives all over this nation and to continue to publicly fund such treatments was a theft of people’s hard earned tax dollars.

Obamacare Covered Body Modifications
Modifications covered under Obamacare Pierce Clause

So, what does the Pierce Clause actually do? Well, for one thing, it gets young people excited about enrolling in a healthcare plan that will not only treat mono or genital warts, but will pay for a host of insurer covered body modifications. Again, Kathleen Sebelius shared some positive news to a curious audience.

 “The Pierce Clause is more than just a gimmick to get young people to enroll at Healthcare.gov, it’s a much needed boost for the failing egos of America’s greatest resource, its children. How many of you remember being the lame kid at school who had to choose between skinny jeans or an eyebrow piercing? Today’s youth still face the obstacles of low self esteem caused by a lack of available funds for ego boosting luxuries such as a tongue bifurcation, or a rad pair of snakebite hoops. The Pierce clause is a win-win for this country, not only do unpopular kids get access to body modifications with no co-pay or deductible, but they get that sense of knowing that, even thought they’ll never letter in a sport or join an honor society, they will always get attention when they run down to the local Hot Topic or Baptist church. And you just can’t put a price on that.”

 

 

 

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