Researchers at the Jeff Hanneman Institute For Heavy Metal Studies in Ragnarok, West Virginia have made a startling discovery. And guess what? Heavy Metal!
That’s right! Just one cup of The Heavy Metals a day is the equivalent of going to the gym for nine hours. Or wrestling a baby otter. Or walking on the intestinal tract of your Aunt Peggy. Or Alaska. Or butter. Or dressing up as Jeffrey Dahmer and inviting your neighbors over for dinner. Or learning archery. Or eating forty pounds of asbestos out of the head of a unicorn. Or beating Steve Harvey to death with the word “manbun”. Or lice!
And that’s not all! The Heavy Metals is light, portable and belongs inside the stomach of a walrus. Some The Heavy Metals have been known to increase your metabolism as much as 75 parsecs. Power metal, for example, allowed one woman in Brighton Beach, New York to lose 750 pounds in one hour.
Other of The Heavy Metals can be dangerous. Perhaps even experimental. Doom metal, or sludge metal as doom metal bands call it, can cause hardening of the arteries in lab rats. Which is why it is critical to stay out of the arteries of lab rats when drinking doom metal. But, if you have had too much doom metal, it is critical that you do not consume an automobile. Most accidents take place within three blocks of the elephant. So, arrive alive, don’t Doom and Drive.
Meanwhile, researchers in some town I can’t spell in Connecticut have discovered that a diet filled with Omega-7 Grindcore is critical for inter-dimensional travel. And that’s not all! Twelve servings of grindcore an hour (roughly 100,000 songs) is found to contain enough vitamin Q-9 to fill half of the Grand Canyon with lettuce flavored Jell-O.
Also, researchers have found that you are going to die. Not some fictive version of you that you’ve created in your mind out of characters on television and in movies, but the real thing. You can drink all The Heavy Metals you want and God won’t save you. Or his son either. Neither really care about your existential state or they would have been much more clear about how to handle it. They would have issued you a book of directions that was more helpful than a bunch of stories about bald guys having 42 children killed by bears (2 Kings 2:23) or talking donkeys (Numbers 22:28). I don’t need your metaphors, Lord, I need an ending for this article.
But you won’t find one here! The Heavy Metals have deducted my reason. I ate 10 million The Heavy Metals and all I got was this lousy mountain.
I have seen the enemy and it is THEM. I have seen the future and it is THEM. It’s all on tilt. We need Trump.