Last night, lead vocalist and guitarist for the technical death metal band Gorguts was crowned America’s Got Talent winner and received the one million dollar prize. His final performance, in which he played a 27-minute death metal version of the Canadian National Anthem on xylophone, put him over the top with many of the judges.
Along with the million dollars, he also received an endorsement deal from the Gogurts Yogurt Corporation to star in a series of ads with the slogan “There is a fine line between Gorguts and Gogurts.”
He narrowly defeated Arnold Benson, a 12-year old ventriloquist that most people believed would take home the title this season. Arnold Benson had won the hearts of the fans. He lost his home in a tornado two years ago and was diagnosed with epilepsy a year prior to that. Some have stated the only reason Benson made it as far as he did was because of his sad story.
“This is the kind of crap A.G.T. does to win sympathy from viewers” said Judge Howard Stern. “The kid had no talent and didn’t belong there in the first place. You could clearly see the rotten brat’s mouth moving.” Stern said just prior to being fired for this insensitive comment. When interviewed the following day, Stern apologized.
The competition was extremely difficult this year. In an interview this morning with Fox News, social commentator Howie Mandel opined that, while Lemay was fantastic, other artists were equally deserving. “I personally thought the comedian with Tourette Syndrome would win. Now that guy was funny.”
Former Spice Girl, Mel B. said that Lemay’s a cappella performance of “The Erosion of Sanity” was “off the chain.” She then went on to say “WowZa” a dozen times and walked away looking both frightened and confused.
Heidi Klum refused to give a comment. Some think it’s because her favorite act of the year was voted off early by the audience. She supported Remy Barriere, a 32-year old French Hypnotist that she believed should have gone all the way. Just trying to find Klum to give an interview was difficult. She was last seen clucking like a chicken and licking herself like a cat.
America’s Got Talent will return next summer and will hopefully be as entertaining as it was this season. When asked “What are you looking forward to next year?” host Nick Cannon replied “More alimony money from Mariah Carey.”
Cannon is currently living on his 50 million dollar yacht and reportedly will not be leaving it until the show begins filming in a few months.