PETITION – Free the Wolves in the Throne Room!


Nothing is crueler than keeping animals in captivity for human entertainment. Do your part today and help free these poor wolves that have been imprisoned in the throne room for 13 years now.

Panting wolves may look like they are smiling. But they are not!

Perhaps mankind’s most arrogant mistake is anthropomorphizing non-human entities. A wolf doesn’t express emotions with its facial muscles the way humans do. Just because its panting expression shapes its mouth in a way that resembles a human smile does not mean that a panting wolf is actually happy. So even when a wolf is suffering from indigestion due to eating too many disobedient serfs for the king’s entertainment, foreign dignitaries often return to their kingdoms thinking that the wolves were enjoying themselves. This is often very far from the truth.

A captive wolf is an abducted wolf.

Would you let a stranger walk into your home, and take your child away from you to be kept captive as a slave in a circus troupe? No? Then why should wolves be treated as such? Wolves are highly intelligent social creatures that live in tight-knit packs. Visitors to the throne room often fail to see that the wolves there had to be yanked from their natural environments, snatched away from their family, held in cages, and roughly transported by plane, ship, or truck for hours on end.

Most wolves die during capture.

Around 60% of wolves die during capture, mostly from fatal wounds arising from hurled rocks, fatal indigestion due to overeating of bait, and malfunctioned Safari Balls. The capturing process is very traumatizing to these poor creatures. Imagine sleeping, only to have strangers suddenly intrude on your slumber to make you their property! Sadly, due to stress, panic and trauma, some wolves even die in the aftermath of the capture.

Transport trauma.

Wolves are magnificent predators. Their limber bodies are built for chasing quick-footed prey in the wild, such as hares. Imagine them being confined in small cages that are being loaded by the hundreds into cargo planes, ships, and trucks that travel for more than twelve hours on an average shipping day. As a result, the poor wolves get cramps and skin abrasions, which disrupt their appetite and make them more prone to skin infections.

Captivity is sensory deprivation.

Wolves in the wild are active predators that are highly dependent on sounds, sights, smells, and various other types of sensory input to hunt for food effectively. Place them in the captive environment—typically four walls in an enclosure devoid of their usual visual or auditory stimuli—and their senses grow dull overtime due to a lack of stimulation. There’s hardly anything for wolves to do in the throne room other than to prowl around aimlessly, gnaw on some leftover serf bones, poop on the red carpet, and play catch with foreign dignitaries. The worst part is that they don’t even hunt anymore; they simply await low quality, unwilling human food to appear before them.

Unnatural life.

No wild animal should be living in manmade environments. Wolves are natural creatures that should be living in a natural setting. The physical complexity of a forest, and the four seasons can never be duplicated in captivity. Feeding patterns and mating behaviours are even drastically altered during captivity, thus reducing wolves in the throne room to confused shadows of their former selves.

Suicidal tendencies.

Confining wolves in the throne room is no different from placing a human in solitary confinement. Caged animals and humans develop similar behavioral patterns – They pace back and forth restlessly, hallucinate at the slightest sensory stimulation, and sleep much longer than usual. These are signs of neurosis induced by claustrophobia, and frustration at being unable to behave naturally or act freely. Eventually, appetite loss and self-harm may even occur as a suicide attempt.

Now that you know the plight of these wolves, leave a comment below to support our cause to free these furry, non-human persons. Once 2,500 signatures have been collected, an Internet article will be written again in an attempt to bring about monumental change in real life. Let us guilt-trip the kingdom into giving up its sadistic entertainment!

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  1. #1 by johndockus on May 21, 2015 - 6:48 AM

    Hey Keith, I hear crickets chirping, not wolves howling, in your comment section. I’ve started a fire, a couple times, in this dark forest under the full moon, and there I was, dancing around the fire, with a wild headdress on and a scary mask, my shadow thrown distorted all around, and it seems virtually everyone watched from a hiding place, but none exclaimed, “Fuck it!”, and got up and joined with their own freaky dance. But that’s the point, isn’t it?

    This is an interesting post to me, a change-up pitch in your usual array or arsenal of fast balls and screw balls. It retains humor, the reference to that band – you have a characteristic humor – but there’s an introduction here of more seriousness, a sense that you’re actually fascinated with and concerned for wolves and their plight, real wolves, their fundamental nature and habits, the best environment they thrive in. (Honestly, so am I. Fucking world of humans, a blight upon this earth.) Reading something more serious from you is maybe like seeing Kiss without makeup for the first time.

    I wonder if the “Stickmen With Ray Guns” album cover helped push you onto this particular tangent, with the wolfy dog in tuxedo. Anthropomorphization. Scooby Doo. It is indeed ridiculous and even seriously damaging what our pop culture does in twisting perception of animals into the cute and cuddly, how so many humans end up projecting their own emotions onto them, assuming they feel like we do. The wolf appears often in metal music. I wonder, without joking, which bands you think best exemplify the real spirit of the wolf.

  2. #2 by Keith Spillett on May 21, 2015 - 7:29 AM

    This one was done by my main homeboy Happy Metal Guy. He lives among the wolves in the rain forests of Antarctica.

  3. #3 by Keith Spillett on May 21, 2015 - 7:34 AM

    I do have some serious stuff on from time to time. Here’s the first of a series of articles I wrote on the subtext of Carcass’ Heartwork. I will finish this series this summer (hopefully).

  4. #4 by Keith Spillett on May 21, 2015 - 7:35 AM

    I believe that Danzig and only Danzig is the wolf. The uberwolf.

    • #5 by johndockus on May 21, 2015 - 9:37 AM

      It is Keith Spillett’s world and we’re all just living in it, even Danzig, who with forked tongue and Elvis haircut sings Ozzy’s “Bark at the Moon” out of one corner of his mouth while singing Duran Duran’s “Hungry Like the Wolf” out the other. Thanks for link to Heartwork review.

      • #6 by Keith Spillett on May 21, 2015 - 9:40 AM

        Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

      • #7 by johndockus on May 21, 2015 - 9:43 AM

        You will never find wolf chasing its own tail or doing a stupid pet trick on the David Letterman show.

      • #8 by johndockus on May 21, 2015 - 9:47 AM

        Or how about this: Ah, said the man, if only I had a double-jointed back I’d be solipsistic, sucking some knob, while rolling like an old wheel down a hill.

      • #9 by Keith Spillett on May 21, 2015 - 10:46 AM

        That’s why I like them. The whole not being on Letterman thing. I hate that guy. Never has a mediocre man risen so high (except for…well….most of our elected officials).

      • #10 by johndockus on May 21, 2015 - 12:59 PM

        Well, Letterman is retiring. His laugh is annoying too. Him and his hee hee hee. How about Destroyer 666’s album “Unchain the Wolves”? That’s a great album. Name of the band leaves more to be desired, but still a good band. I like Bestial Warlust too which preceded Destroyer 666 before the split up. Letterman would never have such bands on the Late Show. What if they had Keith Spillett dressed as King Diamond on the Late Show. Would you behave yourself or unleash the wolf in yourself and howl in ungodly falsetto and shatter eardrums? I imagine Paul Shaffer curled up in the fetal position with shattered glasses and blood flowing from his ears. Hee hee hee.

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