The NFL has suspended Jacksonville Quislings quarterback Varg Vikernes for four games for deflating the footballs he used to beat nine French tourists to death last year.
The league called the discipline “relating to the use of underinflated footballs as tools of death and dismemberment” necessary to stop behavior “detrimental to the integrity of the league.”
Vikernes, who went on an anti-French murder rampage outside of the team’s stadium after Jacksonville’s 51-7 loss to the Houston Frotteurists in December, believed that “someone had to take a stand against their decadent lifestyle, Jewish tendencies and obsession with flaky pastries”.
While Vikernes would not deny his participation in what the media is calling #Deceasegate, he claims that the footballs used were regulation sized. According to his agent Mehlvin Goehring, “Vikernes would not willingly use undersized footballs in order to murder French people. His commitment to the proper use of regulation murder weapons is unparalleled in both the NFL and the black metal community.”
Vikernes Only Hours Before Killing Nine Frenchmen With Underinflated Footballs
Sports talk radio was aflame with anti-Vikernes rhetoric today. On ESPN’s morning radio show “Mike and The Barely Coherent Mook”, host Mike Greenback opined, “You can’t just murder people with underinflated footballs. There are rules that must be followed!”
“What sort of league would we have if players just went around killing one another with weapons not approved by the NFL? What if the Bears wanted to knock Aaron Rodgers out for the playoffs and threw a toaster oven in the bathtub with him instead of using NFL approved arsenic in his coffee? Or if the New England Bartholin Glands decided to bludgeon Abbath to death with a sledgehammer instead of stabbing him multiple times in the face with a regulation sized kitchen knife? It’s a slippery slope if you’re not playing on a level playing field.”
According to ESPN afternoon host Clam Cowheart, “See if you can follow me here… it’s not the actual murders that made the NFL punish Vikernes. He murdered French people. Americans HATE the French! They changed the name of fries to Freedom Fries in this country after a group that wasn’t EVEN FROM France attacked the US.”
“No one cares about Vikernes killing some French people whether he used regulation-sized footballs or mini-footballs or waffle irons. It’s the cover up. If Vikernes had come out right away and said ‘Yeah..I killed a few Frenchmen with some underinflated footballs’ the public would have forgiven him in a second. Just like Nixon…if he had told the truth right away he would have gotten a third term. He’d probably still be President today. It’s the lie that gets you in trouble. Has been since the beginning of time.”
Several former NFL players attempted to go on the record in support of Vikernes, but due to severe head injuries they received while participating in the sport they were incapable of uttering anything besides a few grunting, gurgling noises.
The Tyranny of Tradition 
#1 by Ms. Pibb on May 18, 2015 - 9:12 AM
Varg gives new meaning to “Laces Out!”
#2 by boesi on May 21, 2015 - 12:12 AM
hahaha i loved that movie
#3 by Fried Chicken And Metal on May 18, 2015 - 7:38 PM
Remember when Varg adopted the name Arthur Aske, and had a pretty decent tennis career before succumbing to masecliosis, or something or other?
#4 by Keith Spillett on May 19, 2015 - 2:41 AM
I think you are getting him confused with that Xasthur guy and he used to be Martina Navratalova.
#5 by Keith Spillett on May 19, 2015 - 2:42 AM
And it was scoliosis.
#6 by johndockus on May 19, 2015 - 4:17 AM
Was Varg Vikernes spotted with Gisele Bundchen? I heard she went Amazon, fighting alongside him, using her sling bikini Medieval style to fling stones. Then Gisele got drunk on moonshine, or some weird shit, and she seemed to time travel or go through walls, and she ended up marrying Ian Brady, and Myra Hindley got pissed, and there was a tremendous battle. The two fought valiantly, until Gisele realized that Ian wasn’t Tom, and wiggled her nose like Samantha from Bewitched, and reappeared on the football field. Tom Thumb pulled his Brady out of his ass, and Bill Belichick appeared dressed like Barney Rubble. It was an incredible spectacle, especially because Gisele, time-traveling back, discovered she was pregnant and suddenly went into labor. She fell onto her back, and pushed and pushed, and out popped the ole pigskin, which was scooped up by Varg, and as it made a fart sound like a leaking balloon, he ran for a touchdown! While beer cans and bottle caps rained down from a bunch of white supremacists in the stands, Jimmy the Greek gave the postgame interview: “The black is a better athlete to begin with because he’s been bred to be that way — because of his high thighs and big thighs that goes up into his back, and they can jump higher and run faster because of their bigger thighs. This goes back all the way to the Civil War when during the slave trading, the owner — the slave owner would breed his big black to his big woman so that he could have a big black kid.”