The 46th Vice President of the United States has announced his plans to join Evil once more in a quest to achieve the most vicious sounds known to man after 25 years of non-musical black metal performances across the globe. It’s expected that founding member It, currently Stephen King’s pet, will join the band again
“The human essence of pure black evil”. —Euronymous commenting on Cheney—
Abruptum was formed in 1989 by It—known as ‘Eat’ back then—and Dick during Cheney’s stint as the 17th US Secretary of Defense in the White House after a Naked Ronald Reagans rehearsal session (George H. Bush’s former Rapcore Funk band). The group quickly gained notoriety for the macabre sounds and screams achieved by the politician using only a couple of pens and Guantanamo Bay prisoners. The duet quickly relocated to an undisclosed, forgotten World War II bunker in Sweden in order to avoid trials under the Geneva Convention for committing crimes against humanity at a local Denny’s.
Svrf Rock pioneer Euronymous of the Mayhems listened to their recordings and didn’t hesitate to sign the band to his label, Deadlike Bandmate Productions. After some sessions, Euronymous had to change the name of his label because of the mysterious passing of Dead, frontman of the Mayhems.
The only person in a hundred mile radius with a shotgun was Cheney himself, who is known to enjoy shooting his friends in the face. Sadly, for the crime scene investigators and for Abruptum, the Secretary of Defense had to return home to plan his performance piece ‘Operation Desert Storm’ which depicted a devastated Middle East, ravaged by oil-craving demons with full metal minions.
“I’ve always been a extreme person and I’m very committed to my disregard for human lives. I felt I could spread my message of suffering and destruction to a broader audience by being part of the staff of the Naked Ronald Reagans, who happened to tour constantly in the Arab countries. Imagine the energy generated from the clash of the two major fundamentalist cultures, and add to the mix a setting designed by myself, a chaos worshiper.”
“The Scandinavian scene wasn’t violent enough for me. Accountant Grishnackh was burning a couple of churches here and there in order to promote his capitalist ideas and look tough in front of some punk kids who used to hang out at Euronymous’s store. I was destroying mosques all over the place, garnering the attention of the international press, and the best of all is my cultural exchange was a grant taken care of by the American taxpayers” explained Mr. Cheney during an interview with Tyranny.
But not everything was fun and games. In 1992, while vacationing in the violent streets of Detroit, Michigan,
Cheney contracted the avian mad chicken disease (Dick was an avid geek—a person who beheads live chicken with his mouth—usually at carnivals). The fever fried his brain and dementia ensued; in 1993, and using the corpsepaint skills he learned while in the Nordic scene, he formed a duet of devilish, republican clowns with Donald Rumsfeld, whose career as an international jackass was on hiatus.
The nightmarish Insane Clown Posse debuted with Carnival of Carnage in October of 1992, becoming an instant sensation in the former Soviet Union, specially because of the racist and sexist themes of the album. The sickness grew worse in Cheney’s head due to the refusal of conventional treatments, instead, the Black Metal rapper decided to cure himself by binge-drinking.
That’s when Cheney caught the eye of the film industry, he was commissioned by George Lucas himself to write several scripts for the company, including Episodes I, II and III of the Star Wars Franchise and the fourth installment of Indiana Jones. Critics still debate, to this day, if he sold out and made crappy stuff during this period, or if his performance was so bright and nihilistic that the sucking was by design. In any case, the disease-ridden artist finally looked for professional treatment after watching a preview of Episode I: The Phantom Menace.
After his rehabilitation, Dick Cheney returned to the Middle East with a new setup called War! Fun! Terror!, but due to a printing error in the French Le Monde newspaper, it was popularly known as The War on Terror. It has been the longest-lasting exhibit the former Vice President has accomplished in his career, and it even spawned a multitude of spin-off installments such as I Sever Infidel Suckers (ISIS) and the 9 – 11 Conspiracy series.
“I have conquered and broken many people in my day, from Muslims to Star Wars fans, but now I will conquer the Scandinavian scene with Evil by my side, and we’ll make Oslo, Norway look like Flint, Michigan.” —Dick Cheney expanding on the goals of Abruptum’s reunion—