The Tyranny of Tradition

I have a United Mutation, folks. I got in the transmission booth at a different time than scientist Seth Brundle played by Jeff Goldblum. I entered fully human, but I exited having hind legs more powerful than a kangaroo’s and a toad tongue which flies out of my yapper like a harpoon. I have deadly accuracy, and I can leap over cars in a single bound. Goldblum was all abuzz and horrified when he spotted me among the paparazzi at the red carpet opening of his movie. I disguised myself well in a huge black trenchcoat which dragged behind me like the train of a dress, a french beret as large and flat as a pizza, and had on sunglasses as big as scuba goggles. I definitely turned heads but everyone seemed to take it as a publicity stunt, maybe believing I belonged to Lady Gaga’s entourage. I hate Lady Gaga’s guts, and would throw out my tongue at her without a moment’s hesitation, sticking it to the side of her powdered mug, ripping it off if I could – after all she’s her own kind of ripoff artist, grandiosely narcissistic and sensationalizing, yet another chameleon stealing everyone else’s schtick and colors and pretending it’s original, and I’m a connoisseur of irony and believe in poetic justice – but I must be careful on the lam. After all I’m considered a terrorist by that Cyclops called the Law in hot pursuit of me. (Where’s Moe of the Three Stooges when you need him?)

Metal heads the world over understand how I feel, at least the more intelligent ones do who have lifted themselves out of the grunting Neanderthal caveman, being proud in their alienation but not arrogant, always on the outside looking in, carrying themselves thoughtfully and with dignity in the same way I carry this precious stone embedded in my forehead. I hop away leaving a puddle of piss behind for the Law Officers.

Flies are popcorn to me when I’m watchin’ a movie. It bugs people, but they don’t understand: bugs are food to me. United Mutation. The last track – true story (tongue rolled up in cheek) – “Lice and Flies…” on their excellent & demented Fugitive Family EP from 1983 is based on my life. I heard Greenville, Kentucky Police Chief Arthur Smathers is after me with a posse. I laugh at that belly-crawler, how he twists and grinds and comes up empty. I heard Gomer Pyle and Andy Griffith are with him, as well as Boss Hogg and Sherriff Rosco P. Coltrane from the Dukes of Hazzard, and Ponch and John from Chips. Daisy Duke couldn’t get away soon enough from all those knuckleheads. She’s likes my dark allure, but she’s still working on enjoying my french kiss. She climbed onto my back, first strapping a saddle to me, and we hopped off into the sunset together. She loves me, warts and all.

*This has been a satirical bomb dropped for fun, also to show the kids how it’s done, and dedicated to Keith Spillett because he’s awesome.

I admit it, I’m a cunt, and I’m insatiable. The Purple People Eater has nothing on me. I could gobble up everything in my path, but I like to pace myself, and presently I have dreadlocks surrounding my pudendum. I could use a trim. I keep a stash of nuts and berries in my pubic curls to feed the squirrels and birds. No one ever said I wasn’t a lover of nature. There might never have been a Cold War if men weren’t so scared of me and so goddamn preoccupied with fetishizing their own cocks in all their weaponry. I never quite understood why mortals have applied as an insult to each other certain names referring to me, seeing that each of them has been born into the world through me. Gustave Courbet devoted a painting to me and entitled it “The Origin of the World.”